


Viewing the Wheel from the Spokes

by phoenixyfriend



Category: Naruto
Genre: Adoption, BAMF Haruno Sakura, BAMF Karin (Naruto), Bisexual Character, Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, Crimes Against Nature, Domestic Fluff, Edo Tensei, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Fuuinjutsu, M/M, Married Couple, Multi, Necromancy, Nonbinary Character, Other, POV Outsider, Parenthood, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Queer Themes, Queerplatonic Relationships, Recovery, Slow Burn, Therapy, Time Travel, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 172,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26040460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixyfriend/pseuds/phoenixyfriend
Summary: There's a pair of married kunoichi in town, new and strange and adopting Naruto like it's nothing. One's an Uzumaki by blood, and the other by marriage, and Kakashi's swept up into their wake with only a token complaint.They give him an excuse to visit Naruto, and if that means turning a blind eye to the things they do that nobody understands, then Kakashi's fine with that. The Hokage signed off on it, after all, so everything's fine.Obviously.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Shizune, Haruno Sakura/Karin, Haruno Sakura/Karin/Hatake Kakashi, Hatake Kakashi & Inuzuka Tsume, Hatake Kakashi & Maito Gai | Might Guy, Hatake Kakashi & Nohara Rin & Uchiha Obito, Hatake Kakashi/Yamato | Tenzou/Mitarashi Anko, Karin & Mitarashi Anko, Karin & Uzumaki Naruto & Sai, Past Haruno Sakura/Karin/Uchiha Sasuke
Comments: 982
Kudos: 1192
Collections: Different and interesting stories





	1. Kakashi Makes a New Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Alternate title: Time travel, but make it sapphic
> 
> (Never thought I'd be writing something that had SasuSakuKarin, even as just a 'it happened and it's over' thing, but here we are.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick mentions of some canon tragic backstory things, namely the Uchiha massacre and Sakumo's death.

Kakashi’s on an ANBU mission when it all happens, and he comes back none the wiser.

He’d slog his way to the Hokage’s office if he were less professional, but he’s ANBU, and that means he hops onto the rooftops and sprints his way to headquarters, and then takes all the funny little backways and secret corridors to get to the Hokage’s office.

Raidō is marginally less muddy than Kakashi is. Marginally.

They both still squelch when they step into the room.

“Hogake-sama.”

Raidō takes the lead in actually talking. It’s so late in the evening that Kakashi’s somehow surprised that the Sandaime is even here. He looks tired, but that’s… normal.

(It’s been months, nearly a year, since the deaths of the Uchiha, and the village is… only mostly recovered.)

The elderly man looks at them for a long moment. “Any injuries?”

“No.”

“Anything pressing or new?”

Kakashi knows what he means. ANBU have a tendency to come across information in missions that needs to be handled in a matter of hours. One of the risks of being hand-picked for infiltration and assassination, on the average.

“No, Hokage-sama. All clear.”

He nods. “Full report tomorrow, then. You can pass it through the commander instead of in person.”

Oh thank fuck.

“Sparrow, you’re dismissed. Hound, a moment.” Sarutobi says, and Kakashi halts, even though he’d just been about to follow Raidō out of the hallway and back to the barracks so he can collapse into bed.

“Hokage-sama?”

“Come by tomorrow, 11 AM,” Sarutobi says, and Kakashi’s busy trying to figure out if he can get away with sleeping in when the rest of the order comes in, “It’s about Naruto.”

Oh.

Kakashi nods sharply. “Understood.”

“Dismissed.”

\--

Adopted.

Naruto’s been _adopted._

“Hokage-sama?” Kakashi asks, mind spinning and honestly unable to put the pieces together.

“No risk of being connected to his parents,” Sarutobi says. There’s an ease about him as he talks about it. “An Uzumaki woman came into town while you were on your mission and claimed him. She’s joined as a Jounin, as has her wife.”

Kakashi’s head is still reeling.

“They are aware of his parentage,” Sarutobi says, and Kakashi’s brain screeches to a halt. “And the wife has stated that she’ll gladly pretend to have encountered you on a prior mission to give you a chance to visit her and, in turn, Naruto.”

Oh.

_Oh._

That’s—that’s more than he ever hoped for.

“You trust her?” Kakashi asks, because he’s only been gone three weeks, and that’s not long enough for the village to trust a new shinobi without a very good reason. “How did they know he’s… _their_ son?”

Sarutobi smiles around his pipe. “Tsunade trained the wife for several years. She vouched for them. The Uzumaki knew his parentage because she knew Kushina, and was once near Minato. I know that shouldn’t be enough, but she’s apparently one of the best sensors on the continent, so it was… easy, from what she says.”

That’s—okay, that’s mildly terrifying, because Kakashi vaguely remembers Tsunade, and she was a scary, scary woman, and any sensor that can figure out parentage based on half-remembered signatures of people eight years dead is terrifying—but it’s good. Vouched for by Tsunade is good.

“If they know about his parents, then they know he’s…”

Sarutobi nods. “Yes. And before you ask, they underwent a thorough check by Inoichi. They’re clean.”

Good news. Great news. Kakashi feels like he’s about to vibrate out of his skin, or maybe just puke.

“How old are they? You said they were Jounin now?”

“About your age, and they’re actually… well, I’d put them down at S-level shinobi, both of them. High A-rank at minimum. They’ll be more than able to protect him, and there’s a younger girl; Uzumaki has a little sister, only a year older than Naruto. She’s already taken to fighting bullies for him, from what I’ve been told.”

Maybe he should just cry.

It’s taken eight years, sure, but Naruto has a _family,_ now.

“Where—”

Sarutobi passes him the address, and Kakashi bolts out the window.

\--

He’s nervous, as he walks up the pathway to the little house that the Uzumaki have apparently taken up residence in. There’s a lot he should have asked the Hokage, but names are at the top of that list. All he knows is that one of these women is an Uzumaki sensor, and the other is probably a medic.

He knocks and doesn’t show how the anxiety is curdling in his gut.

The door opens, smooth and quiet, and a short woman with pink hair blinks up at him.

“Kakashi-kun!” she exclaims, and throws her arms around his neck. “I was wondering when you’d stop by!”

Kakashi stiffens, because this woman is a _stranger,_ but he remembers what the Hokage said. They said they’d pretend to know him, just so he can have access to—

The woman pulls away, smiling in a way that is so staggeringly sincere that Kakashi can’t wrap his head around it, and steps back. “Come in, come in, I was _just_ putting some tea on.”

Kakashi follows her in, head spinning. He grasps for the first comment that comes to mind. “I feel like I should have brought you some flowers. A housewarming gift, maybe.”

She laughs, and Kakashi catches the spark of chakra that she presses into a subtle seal in the wall.

“Privacy seal?”

“Mm, Kanna-chan made it,” she tells him. “Do you want to wait in the living room? The kids are at school right now, and Kanna’s probably still at the laboratory, so I’ve just been puttering about. There’s still quite a few boxes to unpack, and the neighbors have been a little…”

“It’s a very civilian area,” Kakashi offers.

She looks at him over her shoulder, grin wry. Black eyes sparkle with amusement and irritation. “Yes. You’d think they never saw a same-sex couple before.”

“I know the feeling.”

 _“Do_ you, now?” she asks. She comes back from the stove and hands him a cup. “Well then, to the living room! The couch is very comfortable, I assure you.”

“Aa.”

He follows her.

She’s petite in a way that Kakashi is sure gets her underestimated all the time. Short hair, red dress, and the kind of muscle that looks much smaller than it is.

“I never got your name,” he admits.

She laughs at him, and turns. She holds out a hand. “Uzumaki Sakura, nice to meet you.”

He raises his eyebrows. “You’re the Uzumaki, then? The hair—”

“Oh, no, I just married in,” she corrects, taking a seat. “But I was never part of a clan, and Kanna-chan was so set on rebuilding hers that it only seemed right to take the name, you know?”

He doesn’t. “I can imagine.”

He takes a sip of his tea when she glances down at her lap, and he looks around. He catches a framed photo out the corner of his eye, brand new and still as saturated as the first printing.

Two women, one of them Sakura and the other, with vivid red hair and black glasses, presumably Uzumaki Kanna. A younger girl, with that same hair and similar glasses, the little sister that Sarutobi mentioned.

And Naruto, looking like he’s about to cry with how happy he is.

Kakashi can feel a lump in his throat, and he tries to swallow around it.

“He’s a sweet kid,” Sakura says, and when he looks at her, she’s… sad. The smile is wistful and pained. “Loves a bit of trouble, but he’ll grow out of that. The first time Kanna-chan yelled at someone for trying to kick him out of the restaurant we’d gone to, he spent an hour clinging to her like a burr.”

That’s adorable.

“I don’t think he’s used to anyone defending him like that,” Kakashi says. It’s not a deep insight, or one that really _needs_ to be said, but he has no idea how to play at small talk.

Something in Sakura’s face spasms, and she drops her eyes. Her mouth twists. “Yes. I noticed.”

Kakashi grasps for a topic. “Hokage-sama said you studied with Tsunade-sama.”

Sakura looks up and grins, fierce and bright and _sudden._ “Looking for a spar, Kakashi-kun?”

“Ah—more that I want to know some things about my supposed friend,” he says. “But I wouldn’t say no to a spar, either.”

“Great! One condition, though,” she says, and Kakashi braces himself. “I hear you’re on good terms with Maito Gai. Get him to fight me.”

Kakashi blinks at her. “Eh?”

She grins and flexes one arm. “I’m a brawler, Kakashi-kun. I can’t seem to run into him, but I hear he’s as good as Taijutsu gets here. I’d like to fight him.”

That’s—okay. That’s fair.

“I’ll let him know,” Kakashi says. “I think he’d be delighted. Might start crying, even.”

Sakura’s smile shows a few too many teeth, but she hides it behind her cup. “Good.”

Kakashi waits a moment, and then says, “So… that supposedly-a-friend information?”

Sakura’s eyes are sparkling again. They’re a deep black, just slightly grey-ish, and familiar in ways he can’t figure out. It’s not a common color, not for civilians, who are generally shades of brown, blue, or green. Almost-black comes in brown for civilians, and grey comes as an offshoot of the paler blues, but a nearly-black with grey undertone says ‘clan,’ and she said she didn’t have one. Paired with the hair… Kakashi’s tempted to say someone sowed some wild oats they didn’t know about.

“I’m a medic and a brawler; I did learn that much from Tsunade,” she starts off. “Let’s see… I like dango, my wife, and my work at the hospital. I dislike progress used as an excuse for unethical medical procedures, and those who would hurt me using my loved ones. My goal in life… to protect those loved ones, and to ensure no child needs to enter the shinobi world before their time.”

Ow. That last one hits pretty hard.

“You seem to like kids a lot for someone who doesn’t look much older than me,” he offers. “We’re a bit young to be thinking about adoption, huh?”

She laughs at him. Again. “Naruto was adopted as a little brother for Kanna and Karin, not as a son. He knows we’re too young, and he’s perfectly happy calling us nee-chan.”

It doesn’t answer the question, and a few seconds of silence make it clear that he was expecting something else.

She meets his eyes, and the tired smile is back. “I’ve known too many young shinobi who burned out early or lost themselves because people insisted they enter the shinobi world as soon as they were capable of killing, rather than waiting until the child’s mind was old enough to handle the strain. Just in Konoha… look what happened last year.”

It’s a kind interpretation of the massacre, but not necessarily an incorrect one. Kakashi’s not the only one that’s had the thought, that Itachi’s mind was broken by his early introduction to the horrors of shinobi life, rather than some hidden malice.

“So yeah,” Sakura sighs. “I want to protect the kids, because nobody could protect my friends. Kanna and Karin come from a branch of the Uzumaki where you can be healed by biting them and absorbing their chakra.”

Kakashi carefully doesn’t make a face.

“Yeah,” Sakura sighs. “It killed their mother, and one of Kanna’s motivations for coming to Konoha was that we could get the Hokage’s word that neither of them would be used like that again. With Tsunade backing us, it seemed the best solution, since we didn’t really want to raise a child on the run, and since Naruto was already here… it just fell together very well.”

Kakashi forces some cheer into his voice. “How about we go out for dango? You’re new in town, has anyone shown you the best spots?”

“You’re not very subtle, Kakashi-kun.”

He doesn’t twitch. Barely. “I can’t say I’m trying to be.”

She laughs at him. _Again._

\--

Uzumaki Sakura is generally well-liked by the people who interact with her. Kakashi meanders along behind, watching as she pauses to chat with people, friendly and bright in a way he’ll _never_ be capable of. He thinks back to Sarutobi’s statement that both of these women were at minimum high A-rank, and wonders just how two complete unknowns are at a level like that. They’d be in the Bingo book, even as independent operators. Studying with Tsunade explains some of it, but he has to wonder how they got this good, this far, without anyone knowing who they are.

The Hokage seems to know, at least, and Kakashi has to trust that that’s enough. Inoichi did the scans and interrogations himself. They’re clean.

They’re what Naruto needs in his life. They _have_ to be clean.

Sakura’s the one that keeps up the chatter as they move through the village, getting dango and… well, they go grocery shopping. Kakashi’s been out of town for three weeks, and Sakura apparently keeps finding new things the house needs, like drain cleaner and laundry baskets and nails for hanging up photos.

Kakashi tells her all the things she’ll need to know for the cover story, and she tells him more about herself. They couch it in friendly, casual terms, more like acquaintances catching up than two shinobi plotting a cover, but it gets the job done.

At one point, they come across a large cart stuck in a rut—apparently it’s been in there for a few hours, and it’s off on a side street, which is enough for the owner to skip calling in a D-rank and just trying to get it out himself. It’s also more of a small wagon than a large cart, which Kakashi’s pretty sure changes the pricing on these things, though it’s been long enough since he did D-ranks that he can’t be certain.

Sakura lifts the entire cart, likely at least half a ton, over her head. She sets it to the side and smiles and shakes hands and walks off like she didn’t just completely humiliate several grown civilian men by making the whole thing look easy.

 _Definitely_ Tsunade’s.

They keep on walking around, and Kakashi finds himself oddly comfortable. Sakura’s easy to talk to, and she seems to know the best ways to work around his blind side without making him feel uncomfortable _or_ triggering unnecessary paranoia, which is rare enough that he’s grateful for it. She doesn’t make a face when he pulls out Icha Icha at one point, just pulls it from his grasp and smacks him with the paperback, saying “we’re in public, Kakashi-kun, at least wait until there aren’t children about.” It’s a better reaction than he’s gotten from some people, especially since she was more firm than judgmental or disgusted.

She’s a good older sister for Naruto.

They end up heading for the Academy as the day wears on, because Sakura wants to meet her kids—little siblings, legally, but Kakashi can tell she considers them her own—at the gate. He hangs back, hands in his pockets, and while he does follow Sakura up to where she chats with Inuzuka Tsume, the youngest of the actual parents here, he doesn’t do more than nod to Tsume.

He does pet Kuromaru, though. That’s basically illegal to not do.

When the bell rings to let the kids out, an orange blur catches sight of Sakura and is attached to her in seconds, which is relatively impressive for an eight-year-old that was failing his classes last month.

“Nee-chan, nee-chan! Shika said he didn’t believe me when I said you were the strongest shinobi _ever!”_

“Well, he’s probably right about that,” Sakura chides. “I am _very_ strong, though. I’m probably the strongest physically in Konoha, right now, at least as far as my punches go.”

Naruto’s staring at her with wide eyes, disappointment seeping through about having to admit to Nara Shikamaru that he was _wrong._

“How about this,” Sakura says, dropping to one knee. “Do you wanna show him how _totally awesome_ your Nee-chan is? It’s gonna be dangerous.”

Naruto’s eyes widen more, and now he’s vibrating with excitement. Kakashi’s not going to pull out his book in a schoolyard, but only because he’s never done so around Tsume, and he doesn’t know how she’d react. Her disapproval isn’t on the table. He really wishes he had something to hide behind, though.

“HEY SHIKAMARU,” Naruto yells, so loud that Kakashi wonders how his lungs can manage it. “WATCH THIS!”

He jumps up into Sakura’s arms, and Kakashi notices that her fingers are laced, exactly the way people usually prepare a boost.

Sakura shoots little Nara Shikamaru a grin, the kind that would be bloodthirsty if she wasn’t filing off the scary serial numbers for the kids, and throws Naruto straight up.

Several. Hundred. Meters.

Kakashi feels his stomach drop out the bottom of his chest and into the Earth’s core. He can catch Naruto, he’s sure of it, but—

“He’ll be fine,” Sakura says, tone mild, eyes on the sky. Naruto’s already coming back down, screaming and whooping at the top of his lungs. “I’ve done this before.”

What the _fuck._

When Naruto is almost back down, and Kakashi’s panic is reaching a boiling point, Sakura leaps into the air, catches Naruto, and lands so hard that her feet crack the earth.

The Academy courtyard is completely silent, genuinely horrified, except for Naruto squealing and demanding they do it again.

“Uzumaki-san,” Kakashi says. “I think you just took ten years off my life.”

“Meh, I’m a medic. I can add them back,” she says. She tosses Naruto up again, just a few feet this time, and then swings him around onto her shoulders. “Mind waiting another minute for my other brat?”

“I’m not a brat, Nee-chan!”

“Yeah, you are, but we love you anyway,” Sakura dismisses, and Kakashi pretends he can’t see the mix of emotions that pass over Naruto’s face at the casual declaration of love.

“Maa, I think I can spare a few minutes, Uzumaki-san,” Kakashi says, making an aborted move for his book. Damn, but that habit’s hard to break right now.

“Eh? Who’re you?” Naruto demands. “How do you know my Nee-chan?”

Less than three weeks, and Naruto’s already so, so attached to this woman. It’s not hard to see why.

“This is Kakashi,” Sakura says. “He’s a friend of mine. I mentioned him before, remember?”

Naruto clearly doesn’t remember, but he pretends he does. It’s cute.

Kakashi smiles as best he can with his face covered up as much as it is, and waves. “Hello, tiny human.”

“I’m not tiny!”

“You’re a kid,” Sakura reminds him. “Anyway, Kakashi-kun, please stop calling me Uzumaki-san. We’re _friends.”_

“But what if someone thinks I’m trying to steal you away from your lovely wife?” Kakashi asks.

Sakura snorts. “Not likely. I swore off of emotionally stunted geniuses years ago.”

“Really?”

Sakura shrugs. “Well. Year and a half, but still. Not my type anymore.”

Kakashi shrugs and pulls out his bo—no. No, he does not.

There’s a flash of pink at the corner of his vision, and he turns in confusion. It takes a moment for his brain to catch up with his instincts, and then he realizes that the confusion stems from the particular shade of pink being almost exactly the same as his new friend. It’s a little girl, Naruto’s age, and while it’s not _quite_ the same pink, it’s very close. Maybe the missing clan link?

Their facial structures are similar, too, but the little girl’s eyes are a pale, fresh green, and the confusingly familiar eyes were part of why Kakashi was wondering about sown oats in the first place.

“First time seeing it, huh?”

Kakashi looks back at Tsume and makes an inquisitive noise.

“Same hair, same name. Very confusing the first time Naruto ran outside, dragging poor little Haruno-chan to meet ‘the older Sakura,’” Tsume explains. She’s amused, more than anything. “I think Haruno’s scared of her.”

“Did she throw Naruto that time, too?”

Tsume snorts. “Nah, but she was with her wife, and _that_ woman is… well, I wouldn’t want to put her in a room with anyone that pissed her off.”

Kakashi’s interest is piqued. “I haven’t seen Kanna around. Is she…”

He trails off, letting Tsume fill in the blanks he doesn’t know himself. “That woman is a holy terror, but I guess you already knew that. They put her in Orochimaru’s old labs, and she’s been scaring off all the assistants they assign her because of poor procedure and all that.”

“Impressive. What does that have to do with the little Sakura?”

“Kanna got in the face of a civilian parent who was trying to be a jackass to Naruto, basically,” Tsume offers. “Threw around killing intent a bit, made some very loud threats, the kind of stuff civvies don’t want their kids hearing. Sakura just stepped up with a smile and asked Kanna to move, and then… well, I couldn’t hear what she said, but the civilian looked more scared of her than of Kanna.”

“Huh.”

“The kids saw it happen,” Tsume finishes with a grin, as her own ankle-biter sprints over from a conversation with his friends. “They decided that if Sakura can control Kanna, then Sakura must be even scarier, too.”

That makes sense, though Kakashi can’t help but think that Sakura’s been a weirdly kind person for the short time he’s known her. She’s good at boxing up the scary bits and just being the kind of woman even a civilian would think is approachable. The same-name thing is actually easier to explain than anything else: pink hair and unimaginative parents.

There’s a little girl with red hair and glasses—Karin, he remembers—that comes over from the slightly older class that apparently got held a few extra minutes. Her hair is odd, all spiky on one side and smooth on the other, but she stands by Sakura without hesitation, and eyes Kakashi with suspicion.

He eye-smiles at her and waves. “Yo.”

Karin makes a face and looks up at Sakura. “Naruto tried to convince me to help him put thumbtacks on Mori-sensei’s chair.”

Sakura looks up at Naruto, who’s still sitting on her shoulders. “This true?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow, no ramen for dinner.”

“Wait, no! No, it’s not true!”

“Too bad. Karin, good on you for being a snitch. We’re having okonomiyaki.”

Karin grins brightly, but it’s a shade of vicious that doesn’t match Sakura. Kakashi wonders if maybe she learned from the other mom. “Thank you, Nee-chan.”

“No fair,” Naruto whines, and Sakura swings him off to set him down next to Karin so they can bicker more easily. Kakashi isn’t particularly interested in the intricacies, so he pays enough attention to notice how Sakura’s eyes stray to one lone child on the Academy stairs, still having a conversation with a teacher.

“It’s rude to stare, you know,” Kakashi says.

Sakura shoots him a dark look, and it’s the first he’s gotten from her all day. “That boy needs grief therapy.”

“I doubt he’ll accept it, and with the way things are right now, forcing it might just make things worse,” Kakashi tells her.

Sakura’s expression sours. “I know that. I just… I keep hoping I can get him to talk to Kanna.”

Kakashi frowns, and does the math. “If you’re my age—”

“She’s a year older than me.”

“—then she still can’t have been much more than a toddler when Uzushio fell,” Kakashi finishes. “He might not accept that as a point of…”

The word he wants is _not_ comparison, but what is—oh. “Connection.”

Sakura shrugs, just a little helpless. “It’s the best idea I can come up with. She’s lost her clan, and her village twice over. It was never by someone as close to her as the incident last year, but…”

Kakashi doesn’t poke at the ‘twice over’ bit. That seems like the kind of question that gets asked in private. “People have tried. He’s not letting anyone in.”

“He’s a child,” Sakura grumbles, but it’s not anger at him. It’s the situation. That much is obvious. “He deserves better.”

Kakashi shrugs. He’s never been great at emotions, and ‘what is an acceptable level of trauma for a child’ is _definitely_ not his strong suit. He walked in on his father’s suicide when he was Sasuke’s age, after all.

Sakura sighs. “Kanna’s picking them up tomorrow. Maybe she’ll give it a shot.”

“Maybe,” Kakashi says, though he has no faith in it working. “I have tomorrow off. Any plans, or can I call in that spar?”

“Kakashi-kun, we can do that as soon as the kids have a snack,” Sakura tells him, and that sparkle is back in her eyes. “We’ll go right out to the training grounds, and they can practice their throwing while you and I pound each other into the dirt.”

“Sure,” Kakashi says, because he doesn’t _actually_ have anything better to do today. “Training ground 17 should be free.”

“I’ll meet you there!”

\--

So.

Yeah.

Sparring with Sakura is just as difficult as Kakashi expected of Tsunade’s student.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea if/when I'll be posting more, but I have some vague thoughts on things I want to touch on. There is... probably not going to be a plot. Most of my plotting is currently wrapped up in GG fic.
> 
> Things to clarify:
> 
> \- If timelines don't make sense, it's probably because someone's lying (most obvious case: this Tsunade hasn't spent years with Sakura, because if Sakura and Karin had gotten here years ago, they'd have tried to stop the massacre)  
> \- "Kanna" is future Karin. They can't have supposed sisters having the same name without raising suspicions. That said, Sakura gets to keep her name because her hair is a REALLY good excuse. I tried out a bunch of different fake names before my brain was like "Hey remember the little girl with the mirror from Inuyasha? That" and I tried it and it worked so there we are.  
> 


	2. Kakashi Does Not Like This Other New Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kakashi tries to make another new friend, and accidentally gets dragged into undoing an entire conspiracy.  
> \--  
> AKA: You can see the exact moment I lost control of the chapter. It was just supposed to be banter and them being assholes to each other, but look where we are. I ruined a perfectly good comedy, look at it, it's got PLOT now.

Kakashi’s first impression of Uzumaki Kanna is…

Hm.

She’s a lot.

Kakashi doesn’t meet her through someone else, or in a controlled environment. Meeting Sakura had been pretty simple, after all; he’d just shown up at her house with the Hokage’s instructions, and she’d talked to him. Easy-peasy.

Kanna accidentally(?) shoulder-checks him in the depths of T&I with murder in her eyes, thankfully focused on someone that isn’t him, and the only reason he knows it’s her is because he remembers the photo from the house.

Well, he’d have guessed based on the hair, but the photo helped.

Kakashi, for his part, isn’t actually busy. He’s already finished dropping off the report that Intel needed, and was on his way out. He tucks his hands into his pockets and ambles after the little bundle of rage that is apparently the village’s A-rank Uzumaki.

‘A holy terror,’ Tsume had called her. He wonders how accurate that is.

Nobody stops Kakashi as he walked around. He’s not technically part of T&I, and doesn’t have any plans in that direction, but the department is connected to several other buildings. It’s not uncommon for high-level shinobi to duck from one to the other for whatever reason. Kakashi gets an odd look or two, but he’s unhindered as he follows Uzumaki Kanna from T&I over to R&D.

He’s not sure when he was in here last. He doesn’t frequent the science guys much.

Kanna is flipping through papers when he arrives, and the way she does it is just as angry as the way she walks. There’s a seemingly permanent frown on her face, lip curled in irritation. The side of her head is shaved, and the hair is not the red that Kakashi expected. After having seen little Karin, he probably should have, but for some reason he was still expecting the deep scarlet he’d gotten used to from Kushina. Instead, Kanna’s hair is like Karin’s, vibrantly red in a way that shades towards pink, and…

Okay, he doesn’t want to say it, is a little uncomfortable even _thinking_ it, but it’s the kind of hot pink he usually only sees in sex shops selling novelty toys.

“Either get over here or fuck off, Hatake.”

Huh. She hadn’t even looked up at him. “Maa, is that any way to treat an old friend, Kanna-chan?”

She looks up at that, _glares_ at him, and spits, “We are _not_ friends. You wanna call my wife ‘Sakura-chan?’ Fine, she considers you a friend and finds you amusing, whatever, but don’t pretend we’re anything more than acquaintances.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Kakashi says, hands up. “Should I just stick to Kanna-san, then? Only, there’s far more Uzumaki here than when I left. Wouldn’t do to get confused, ne?”

“If you _must,”_ she says, and turns her eyes back to the file of charts and graphs that Kakashi’s sure he could understand, but not without at least a few hours or days of study up first. “The fuck do you want, anyway? I could feel you following me since T&I.”

“Couldn’t just swing by to see an old friend?”

“I will _gut you like a fish_ and feed you your own intestines,” Kanna responds, and her voice is exactly the kind of flat and unamused that Kakashi gets from Ibiki when he’s being particularly aggravating.

“Sure you shouldn’t be in T&I?”

“Sure you shouldn’t be somewhere that _isn’t here?”_

“I don’t have anywhere better to be,” Kakashi says, walking over to stand next to her. “What are you working on?”

“None of your business,” she growls, closing the folder with a snap. She turns and faces him, and he’s glad that he’s taller than her. She’s not as short as Sakura, but she’s still half a head shorter than Kakashi.

Huh. Her eyes are red. No pupils, either. He can’t remember if that’s odd for an Uzumaki or not.

“So, how’s motherhood treating you?”

Her chakra spikes for a moment, dark and angry, and she bares her teeth. He can see her fists clench at her sides. “Get. Fucked.”

“You know, I think Sakura-chan would be very disappointed that we’ve never put in the effort to get to know each other,” Kakashi says, hoping she catches on. He needs to know enough about her to pass off having been at least _some_ degree of acquainted before she moved to Konoha, but there’s a handful of lab assistants around that he can tell are eavesdropping. “Maybe we should get some dango!”

She closes her eyes, and forces herself to relax, and it’s… well, it’s not _impressive,_ considering how shinobi are supposed to keep their emotions in check, but he appreciates the effort. “Fine. I’m done at six. Swing by then.”

“Looking forward to—”

“Get out of my lab, Hatake.”

\--

Kanna raises an eyebrow when he meets her at the building entrance later, but doesn’t seem at all surprised. He falls into step with her, going for a few blocks, and then asks, “Do you know where we’re going?”

“No, but you do.”

“Hm. Microexpressions?” She’s not looking at him, but it’s the usual way people manage that.

“Chakra twitches.”

“Huh.”

He tries to stifle his chakra as much as possible, watching to see if she’ll get lost once he’s hidden it completely. She makes the next few turns without a hitch, apparently still somehow noticing which ‘chakra twitch’ means she’s about to go the wrong way and which one means she’s going the right way.

He tries the opposite gambit, flaring it up and down in a mostly-random pattern. She still doesn’t get lost. She’s smirking, actually.

The key is probably to _not_ pay attention to her, so he can’t see _her_ tells for which way she’s going to turn, but that loses the fun of it.

“Hatake, just what did you think happened to my sensor skills?” she drawls, once they make it to the dango shop he had in mind.

“I mean, I’m one of the best scent trackers in the village, and I can still get at least _a little_ stymied if someone spills an entire bottle of perfume on my mask,” he says as lightly as he can.

She rolls her eyes as she opens the door to duck into the shop. “Unless you’re trying to drown me out using an entire bijuu…”

He’s not going to touch that comment.

The dango shop isn’t a little stand, like so many places. It’s a sit-down café, with booths that offer privacy for the discerning, and even a room or two for larger or wealthier parties. It’s not _explicitly_ for shinobi looking to have a quiet conversation, but it’s certainly a step in the right direction for anyone that knows a jutsu or seal to block off sound.

With how Kanna immediately slaps down a seal, she knows this.

“Should have expected that,” he muses.

“No, you shouldn’t have,” she says. When he blinks at her, she shrugs. It’s not a self-conscious or embarrassed shrug, but the kind of shrug that asks what he was expecting. “I didn’t start learning sealing until I was in my late teens. I learned a lot from some old Uzumaki scrolls, but most of what I learned was from an independent, unaffiliated teacher.”

“Ah. And the identity of that teacher is classified, I’m guessing?”

She shrugs again, looking out the window.

Kakashi’s impressed, mostly by how _bored_ she seems. “So, the seal is going to keep this _actually_ private, yes?”

“As private as anything else could,” Kanna says. She glances down at her own seal, mouth twisting into an expression he can’t quite place. “Sound is going to be overwritten by a buzzing noise, and the visual aspect is blurred to a degree that’s impossible to get through without a Sharingan. Unless there’s an Uchiha in the building, we’re good.”

“And if there is?”

“I’d know.”

There’s a hint of pride, but it’s still more matter-of-fact than anything. She’s not bragging, or exaggerating, or—anything. It’s just that she’d know.

It’s kind of like asking Gai to kick a tree down. He’d agree, enthusiastically and maybe with a bit of pride, but he’d also be able to _do_ it.

He waits for a moment to see if she has something else to say, but a waitress comes by a moment later. Kanna touches and deactivates the seal just long enough for them to place their orders, and then it’s back.

“So,” Kakashi says, grappling for a moment with the thoughts he can’t quite put together. There’s a lot he could say, but most of it would be inane and, he’s guessing, have her looking at him like a complete dumbass. She’s exactly the type, he can tell already. “Is there a dynamic you have in mind for our supposed acquaintanceship, or is the earlier friendly antagonism workable with what you and Sakura-san established?”

“You can call her Sakura-chan,” Kanna snorts. “She’s not going to object, trust me. As for me… yeah, friendly antagonism works. Kind of reminds me of the dynamic I had with one of my old teammates, except I’m not expecting you to insult me enough to punch a hole in your head.”

He blinks at her. “You call that friendly?”

“Hozuki.”

“Ah. That would explain it.”

She grins at him. It’s not a nice grin. “Sure does. He kept cockblocking, and we were all violent little shits anyway, so it was kind of inevitable.”

“Between you and Sakura?”

“Mm. No.” She doesn’t elaborate, just turns to watch their waitress come back with some drinks and food. They get their dango, and Kanna suddenly seems a little more human, fiddling with the metal straw in her drink.

(Most food establishments know better than to offer shinobi something plastic. It’s too easy to break, and too much lasting trash is bad for village security. Everything that can be composted or reused _is.)_

“You’re a strange one,” Kakashi says.

“Look who’s talking.”

Well, she’s not wrong.

“Hokage-sama said that you… are particularly strong.” Kakashi tries to pick his words carefully. “And that it was part of why he was so quick to grant you custody of Naruto.”

She blinks at him, slow and even. “You want to know my rank?”

“If it’s no trouble.”

She snorts. “I can stand up to one of the Sannin. Maybe not win, but I’d live to see another day.”

“… _have_ you?”

She makes a face and wiggles a hand in a so-so motion. “I took Tsunade’s word for it.”

Ah, right. That.

He takes a bite of the dango when she glances away, and she rolls her eyes when she notices what he’s done. He tries to figure out which question is the logical next step, but what actually comes out of his mouth is, “Thank you.”

She looks at him, eyes half-lidded behind the glasses, and if Kakashi didn’t have many of the same mannerisms, he’d have maybe mistaken the look for bedroom eyes.

But Kanna is married and barely knows him, and he knows better anyway. She looks at him like that because she’s learned how to be a predator. He’s not entirely sure what kind—her teacher in a formative year might have had an influential summons, or she’d spent time with a clan that had strong ties to a given animal—but it’s a common mammalian action. To blink slow and keep the eyes half-lidded is a sign of comfort and safety and, with Kanna’s statements just now, confidence. He’s not sure if it’s quite arrogance, but the Hokage is vouching and he _wants_ to believe her.

It comes down to this: Kanna is unimpressed, unintimidated, and unwavering. She’s probably _exactly_ what Naruto needs right now.

“You knew them,” she says. “It’s public knowledge.”

“The connection isn’t.”

She shrugs. “That’s why we lie.”

“And that you’re willing to do that says a lot.”

Kanna snorts. “Thank Sakura, then. It was her idea.”

“And your cousin.”

Kanna’s face twitches, and she doesn’t meet his eyes. He isn’t sure why. “The kid needs more people in his life. I’m not good with… well, not just kids, I’m not good with people in general.”

“You do seem a bit grumpy.”

She laughs at him, short and harsh. “I’m a _bitch,_ Hatake. Grumpy doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

Well.

She said it, not him.

Kakashi smiles at her, and she rolls her eyes again, taking another bite of dango.

When she speaks again, it’s slow and measured, careful in a way that Kakashi isn’t sure what to make of. “I was a high B-rank, before. Low A, maybe. Mostly by virtue of my tracking skills and how bad I am at dying.”

He chuckles, and she gives him a grim smile.

“Kushina was the same way,” he offers.

“We usually are,” Kanna says. She sighs. “The main reason I got to even an A-rank was that I woke my chakra chains when I was seventeen. I’m sure you saw Kushina using them.”

He had. He remembers. He can suddenly grasp exactly what degree of dangerous this woman is likely to be. “And to make it to S-rank? To gain the respect of Tsunade?”

Kanna grimaces. “Well, that’s the part where things get classified. It’s what pushed me to be able to take on Sakura in a fair fight, instead of her going easy on me when we spar.”

“She’s better than you, then.”

“In a fight, absolutely,” Kanna says. There’s no hint of shame or jealousy or, well, anything in her voice. “That girl was a low A-rank by the time she was, what, sixteen? She didn’t even have that much chakra, just some absolutely wicked control.”

It’s a lot of information. Kakashi’s not sure how much he can share. “So why are you in R&D instead of, say, in ANBU tracking down nukenin?”

She grins, sudden and sharp. “Konoha has trackers and fighters aplenty. Anything I can legally do, you can too. Doesn’t matter that I can find a ninja on the other side of the continent if I can’t cross the border, does it? But the _discoveries?_ Orochimaru was a monster, but you lost a great mind when he turned on you. I’m not on his level, but I’m also willing to listen when the Hokage says it’s time to pay attention to the fucking ethics committee.”

“…we have an ethics committee?”

“Technically.”

“Huh.”

Kanna waits to see if he’s going to say anything else, and then continues. “I also _will_ be taking some tracking missions. A few will even be on personal time; I have a few friends I lost contact with for… reasons beyond my control, really, and I’m going to try to get to them when I have the time. The one I’m most worried about is in a country that doesn’t even have a hidden village, so borders shouldn’t be an issue there, at least.”

She frowns. “And beyond that, there’s just… things that need doing. Sakura can handle a lot, but she’s needed at the hospital, and her fuuinjutsu is very specifically for medical work, not…”

Kanna trails off, glaring off to the side, and Kakashi’s getting to know that expression well now.

“Anything I can help with?” He asks. He’s not expecting much. She’s clearly competent, and even if she does need help, she doesn’t seem to need it.

Her frown deepens, and then her head snaps up to gaze at him with wide eyes. She leans forward, so close that he’s suddenly terrified of just _what_ she’s looking for, and then sits down with a thump. “Oh my gosh.”

“…should I take that as a yes?”

“You still have the Root seal.”

Kakashi’s heart stops.

\--

Okay, so it doesn’t stop _literally._

Kakashi finds himself following Kanna home as soon as she’s done eating, and he barely manages to catch the sight of her Shadow Clone heading off in the direction of the Hokage Tower. Something is twisting in his stomach, but Kanna is marching a warpath towards her house, and people _scatter._ At least one person mutters to their partner that they thought it was the Habanero, and Kakashi’s heart twists in a way that isn’t connected to his strange, complicated fear right now.

Kanna is fresh to the village, and knows what Root is anyway. That’s not great.

Her house is too close for comfort. Of course, _anything_ would be too close for comfort.

“Sit the fuck down.”

“Do I get a choice in thi—”

“No.”

Kakashi considers using a shunshin to get out of this mess. He feels like a house with kids, sitting on a comfy loveseat while an angry kunoichi stomps through the rooms looking for something is like… entirely the wrong place to be doing something like this. It should be a shadowy secret room in the depths of ANBU, or a locked cell in T&I, or even her lab.

Not five feet away from a stuffed frog plushie that someone forgot to put away because half the house is still packed in storage scrolls.

The Hokage shows up in a swirl of leaves. He’s still in his official robes, so Kakashi calms down a bit, because that means none of this is actually an emergency. The old man looks pretty grave, though, and that’s still a bad sign.

“This is a serious accusation, Uzumaki-san.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Kakashi feels his visible eye bug out, and the Hokage sighs and turns to him. “I feel as though I should apologize for putting you in her… range.”

There’s a slamming door and a crow of victory as Kanna apparently finds whatever it is that she was looking for.

“She reminds me of Anko,” Kakashi admits.

The Sandaime… flinches. “More like some awful mix of Kushina and Orochimaru, I’ve found.”

“That is… somehow much worse.”

Sure, Anko herself could be described the same way, maybe, but the gleam in Kanna’s eye is scary when she enters the room with various sealing supplies. The specific scary is much, much closer to Kushina than anything Anko has shown off.

“I must insist that you wait,” the Hokage says.

Kanna frowns, and crosses her arms. “For what?”

“Sakura, as I believe our previous conversations indicate she’ll have… insight.”

Kanna frowns _harder,_ and then glances at Kakashi. “Turns out we’ll need to blindfold you for this.”

“What?”

“Blame Hokage-sama,” she says, jabbing a paintbrush in the air in his general direction. The man in question looks aggrieved.

“You’ve been here for two weeks,” Kakashi says. “How are you…”

“Getting away with this?” Kanna finishes for him. “That’s classified.”

Kakashi looks between them both for a moment, and then quickly lifts his headband.

No genjutsu. Kanna is unpleasantly bright, actually, but Kakashi has yet to meet an Uzumaki that isn’t overflowing with truly unnecessary amounts of chakra, so that’s actually a point in her favor. The Hokage is the Hokage, though, unless there’s mind control or walking corpses involved, and Kakashi would have smelled the latter.

“Can I opt out of this?” Kakashi asks, just a touch desperate as he pulls his headband back down.

“Not yet,” the Hokage says. He’s eyeing Kanna with something that reeks of disapproval and irritation. She’s looking back with an expression that can be described, at best, as mulish.

Kakashi’s pretty sure that Kanna’s already made herself a pain in the ass, but for some reason, she’s indispensable right now. He’s pretty sure it’s _not_ the R&D or the tracking, not even the connection to Naruto. He’s not sure what it is, but it’s not great.

Sakura bursts into the house, looking almost frenzied. Her eyes dart from Hokage to Kanna to Kakashi, and then she dashes over to her wife and whispers something harsh and sharp. Kanna’s expression hardens, and she just says, “Sai.”

Sakura winces. “I know.”

“I wasn’t exactly planning this, babe.”

With a groan, Sakura sits down on the nearest couch. “Fine. Cool. We’ll just move up the timetable. Sure, why not. Are we waiting on anyone else?”

“Yamanaka Inoichi, Morino Ibiki, Nara Shikaku,” the Hokage says. “I’m sure you can guess why.”

It’s a reprimand as much as it is a divulgence of information.

He’s not happy with anyone right now, but Kakashi’s pretty sure Kanna’s at the top of the shit list.

Kakashi’s actually trying very hard not to have a panic attack about the seal being gone. He feels like there’s probably something that’s going to kill him if the person removing the seal doesn’t know exactly what they’re doing.

“I need to check him over _before_ they get here,” Sakura grinds out. “If that is, in fact, what you called me here for.”

“Your accusations,” the Hokage says, but does not continue.

“Not accusing anyone of jackshit yet,” Kanna says flatly. Kakashi twitches. She hasn’t been here nearly long enough to get away with talking to the Hokage like that. The expression on the old man’s face confirms it. Kakashi isn’t sure what the repercussions are going to be, but he’s imagining budget cuts in R&D’s future. Sakura’s burying her face in her hands. “All I know is that one of your top Jounin has a seal on his tongue that’s twisted as hell and I can probably remove it, or at least untangle it enough to get a start on something.”

“You’re performing _experimental fuuinjutsu removal_ on one of my Top Jounin,” the Hokage corrects.

“You know why.”

“It’s a risk,” the Hokage tells her. “It’s always a risk and I’m not sure this one is worth it.”

“It’s too late to stop Pein,” Sakura mutters. “That ship sailed. But we can save some things locally. That’s got to be something, right?”

“You asked for transparency,” Kanna says, voice flat. “You said you’d take all our information under consideration.”

“Not when it could kill my shinobi.”

Sakura stands up and comes over to Kakashi. “Pull down your mask and stick out your tongue. Also, I’m going to need you to pull down your headband until you're blindfolded.”

Wait, what? Kakashi looks at the Hokage, who nods grimly. “Unfortunately, the particular kind of assessment Sakura-san is about to perform involves an S-rank secret.”

Oh, that is _so_ not fair.

He pulls the headband down, and tries to control his breathing. Women he barely knows are asking him to… to blindfold himself and show them his face. This isn’t normal. This is why they needed the Hokage, isn’t it? Not just the experimental jutsu bit, but to get Kakashi to _cooperate._

He can feel the bile coming up.

“Thank you, Kakashi-kun,” Sakura says, and her voice is soft and calming and he stiffens in response. He knows it’s just good bedside manner, he _knows_ it, but this is a stranger being kind about him putting himself in, if not the most vulnerable position possible, something that feels like a violation of the self, and—

“Why can’t Jiraiya do this?” Kakashi asks, desperate.

“He’s in Earth Country,” the Hokage says. There’s regret in his voice.

It’s not enough to quell the panic in Kakashi’s chest.

“Breathe,” Sakura says, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I promise, this will be over quick. You may need to keep the mask down for longer, but you can pull your headband up as soon as I’m done with that part of the assessment, and that’s going to be _very_ quick.”

His stomach flips, but the Hokage approved this. The Hokage is in the room. The Hokage is asking about his Root seal and Kakashi was never _deep_ in the organization, not with how high-profile he was, but… he was still there.

He pulls down his mask and sticks out his tongue, and he thinks he can hear the Hokage stiffen. His ears are about as good as an Inuzuka’s, which aren't the _best_ out there, but Kakashi thinks he’s pretty good. Still, could just be imagining it.

Sakura keeps her hands on his cheeks for about thirty seconds, turning his head slowly from side to side, up and down, and stands again. “Stay where you are, please.”

Another thirty seconds as she walks around him, and then, “Can you say something? Anything. It doesn’t have to break the rules of the seal, just something vaguely relevant to what you did.”

Er. “I was on a team with Tenzō.”

As soon as he’s done speaking, Sakura claps. “Great. I’m done. You can, ah, make yourself presentable again.”

Kakashi rushes, and he’s not ashamed to admit it. His heart is pounding in his ears, and his normal eye focuses on Sakura’s sad, apologetic smile. She wanders over to the little counter that separates the kitchen from the living room, and starts sketching something out under Kanna’s watchful gaze.

“I am sorry, Kakashi,” the Hokage says, and the words get tangled on the way out of Kakashi’s mouth. Sorry for what? For not stopping Danzō? For not stopping Kanna and Sakura? For not noticing the seal in the years he’d had it, when it had apparently taken Kanna a single lunch?

(She’d said ‘still,’ which implied that she’d _already known,_ and Kakashi doesn’t want to touch that thought until he’s home and has had a chance to scrub his body clean of whatever the hell is going on.)

“That’s a pain in the ass,” Kanna says, and Kakashi snaps his head over to look at her. “Are you sure?”

“Do you have any _other_ way to look at the minutiae?” Sakura asks her.

Kanna makes a face, and points at the paper between them. “This part is concerning me.”

“I don’t recognize it.”

“Pretty sure it’s meant to incite death in the wearer,” Kanna says, grimacing. “Hokage-sama, could you take a look? You’ve been doing this longer and it’s part of why I wanted your opinion.”

The Hokage’s face is stony. Kakashi’s kind of grateful for that.

Really grateful, actually.

“Can I have a look at what’s on my body?” Kakashi asks.

“After we’re done,” Kanna says. “We can’t risk… well. There’s bits in this that might be detrimental for you, if the seal catches wind that you’re trying to reverse-engineer it.”

“…so I’m fucked.”

“I mean, no, you have the Hokage and an Uzumaki on your side,” Kanna says. “Without Jiraiya in town, these are the best damn hands you’re going to get.”

He blinks at her. “I have… no actual evidence of your skills.”

“I do,” the Hokage says, and the words seem almost like they’re being dragged out of him. Not literally, not mind control or coercion, just reluctance to support someone that’s currently pissing him off as much as Kanna is. “Uzumaki-san has… shown me her work before.”

“Thank you for the vote of confidence,” Kanna says, still staring down Sakura’s paper. “There’s someone at the door, honey, can you…”

“The—”

“Yeah.”

Kakashi hates everything about this, and as T&I’s favorite interrogators and the Jounin Commander enter the room, he’s pretty sure it’s all about to get worse.

\--

In the end, they don’t get the seal off. Not that day, or even that week. It takes five weeks, in total, of Kanna refusing to meet his eyes and Sakura apologizing and the Hokage growing increasingly irate, of Kakashi only going to the Uzumaki house because he’s _that_ determined to see Naruto (and Sakura, at least, does seem to actually be sorry it was all necessary) and then one day Kanna just walks up to him in the T&I hallway and, chakra at her fingertips, rips it off.

It hurts and stings and his eyes swim, but Kanna stands in front of him, darkly triumphant. “Get yourself to Inoichi before Danzō finds out. I’m going to go hunt down anyone who has this thing.”

And she does, and in the end, she is exactly what Tsume said she was:

A holy terror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot about the Root seal on Kakashi being a Thing until like two seconds before I wrote it. I was just going to have Kanna brush him off but NO. She had to REMEMBER IT.


	3. Kakashi's Friends are Causing Panic Attacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Go big or go home. Preferably, though, go to government-mandated therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings: Canon-typical eye horror, references to canon genocides/massacres, character getting repeatedly triggered due to Job Things
> 
> Content advertisement: I decided they get therapy.

ANBU missions don’t tend to end in fire and ruin and chakra exhaustion in a hospital bed… but injuries of some degree are the norm.

“Eh? Kakashi-kun?”

Kakashi looks up from his broken arm, and waves with the hand that isn’t going to scream in pain. “Yo.”

Sakura huffs and comes over, hands already glowing green. “Honestly, this is the third time this month.”

“Maa, I just can’t resist coming to see my favorite medic,” he tells her, reveling in the way she rolls her eyes. It’s true, even; Kakashi doesn’t know a whole lot of medics, and of all of them, Sakura seems to get the whole ‘shit happens’ aspect more than most.

She told him some wild story about cutting open her friend’s ribs to stick her hand inside and manually pump his heart for him, which is admittedly pretty hardcore for a medic story.

(He’d asked her if she’d ever performed a battlefield eye transfer, thinking he could maybe turn it into the kind of joke that friends shared, given his own background, but she’d just stared at the wall and said that she had.)

(Kakashi doesn’t make the joke.)

“What was it this time?” Sakura asks. “Kiri nin? Rogue samurai? An unpleasantly angry chipmunk?”

“Classified,” he says, and grins when she pouts at him. “Not so fun when it’s turned back on you, is it?”

“Oh, hush,” she chides. “At least tell me it was a human, or human-level intelligence. If the great Hatake Kakashi broke his arm because he tripped down the stairs—”

“Aa, it was a human,” Kakashi says. “No need to start any rumors, Sakura-chan.”

She huffs a laugh, and grabs a splint. “I’m going to reset it and encourage some natural healing.”

“But—”

“The Hokage already told me you’re off duty for the next three weeks,” she tells him. “Natural healing is to be used when possible. You know this. Too much medical jutsu makes you age faster. Be weaker. Do you want me kicking your ass even easier?”

“Yes.”

She whaps him on the head with the roll of bandages. “Don’t be a dumbass, Kakashi. If you decide to train with a broken arm, I will come and _break your legs.”_

“I’m pretty sure that violates some—”

“I will do it. You _know_ I will.”

Kakashi tries pouting again. Sakura continues to look unimpressed. Well, it was worth a shot.

“I’m going to heal it a little _just_ to make sure the bones start on the right path,” Sakura warns him. “But I swear to all the kami out there, if you manage to break that because you think it’s clever to take the splint off—”

“I hear you.”

She glares harder at him. “You better.”

\--

Sakura apparently decides that there are two _great_ ways to make sure Kakashi doesn’t use his arm. One of them is to force him to babysit with her.

“It’s not babysitting when they’re _my kids,_ Kakashi-kun. That’s just being a good… guardian?”

“You were about to say mother.”

“Shut up. No, don’t say anything, shut _up,_ you’re the _worst, sen—_ ugh.”

“Were you about to call me senpai?”

“No! What? No. Shut up. I hate you. Oh my god. You’re the worst.”

“You were!”

“I was _not!”_

That isn’t too bad, honestly. She lets him summon the pack, and pretty much all of them are game to entertain some under-tens for a bit.

The other, of course, is Kakashi playing referee as Sakura and Gai destroy a training ground together.

He never should have introduced them.

\--

Kakashi has a lot of bad habits. Some of them are better than his past habits, at least; reading porn in public is probably better for his brain than obsessively taking so many missions he almost dies of burnout. A lot of people say it’s a false equivalency, and that he easily could have chosen a less _improper_ hobby, like gardening or crochet. To those people, Kakashi smiles and waves Icha Icha a little closer, and asks them if they’ve ever been ANBU or fought in a war at the tender age of twelve.

They usually haven’t, and Kakashi gets to go on his way with his nose hidden in a book.

There are other bad habits. Being late is probably in the ‘not actually healthy’ category that he should talk to a therapist about, but never will, since it’s usually because he’s at the Memorial Stone, but Kakashi values his guilt over his mental health, so that’s not going to change any time soon. Regularly overextending himself on missions is probably considered a form of self-harm, even by shinobi psychologists, which he mostly knows because Kurenai insisted on sitting him down a few years ago to Talk About Things.

(Seriously, having the genjutsu specialists take psychology classes and do terms as shinobi therapists is the pits.)

Stalking Naruto on his off days is also probably in the unhealthy category.

In Kakashi’s defense, he’d been on Naruto’s ANBU guard when the kid was first growing up. He’d done this professionally for _years._ That counts as a valid reason to become a habit, right?

(No, Kurenai told him, eventually dragging in Genma. No, it doesn’t.)

(Kurenai is a filthy liar who refuses to let him skip out on the mandatory therapy sessions, though, so her opinion doesn't count.)

So, yeah. Kakashi stalks Naruto sometimes. This includes hiding in trees above the academy in his ANBU uniform even when he’s off-duty, and ignoring the judgmental stares from his coworkers whenever they catch sight of him.

It is, however, a ‘hobby’ that Kakashi can do without straining his broken arm, and is technically good for the village, so it’s not like Sakura can bitch at him for it. She probably will anyway, but this is way better than trying to practice backflips or shunshin or something. He’s just hiding in a tree. No jostling. Everything’s cool.

ANBU Hare is sending palpable waves of disapproval in his direction. He ignores her.

The Academy lets out a few of the classes for lunch in the yard. Sakura-the-younger comes out before anyone else Kakashi recognizes, with a book and a bento, and busies herself at one of the picnic tables. There’s a wistful glance at a Yamanaka that Kakashi is pretty sure is Inoichi’s kid, and a dreamy one at Uchiha Sasuke. Kakashi’s mind idly wonders if the Sakura _he_ knows was ever like that, and figures it’s best if he doesn’t ask. A lot of kunoichi had fangirl phases, and most of them don’t like to be reminded of that fact.[1]

Naruto comes running out a good thirty seconds after most of his class is outside, yelling his little head off and tackling an Inuzuka to the ground. They start roughhousing pretty much immediately, lunches forgotten, and a handful of classmates cheering them on.

It’s the kind of dumb, childish fun that Kakashi never really got to engage in when he was their age, and it warms his heart to see it. The Inuzuka kid—Kiba? Oh, yep, that's Tsume's kid—seems to be exactly on Naruto’s level as far as prioritizing shenanigans over classwork or decorum goes, so Kakashi decides this is a friendship that needs to be encouraged for future comedy if nothing else.

About five minutes into Naruto’s lunch period, the next grade up gets let out, and Kakashi gets to see little Karin stop to check on the impromptu brawl and shout in Naruto’s general direction about how he’s doing a hold wrong. She only yells for a few seconds before apparently deciding that the conversation isn’t worth her time and leaving, but it gets the boys to start arguing about holds until they run off to ask a teacher to mediate, which leads to them actually learning something, so that’s… good? Yeah. That’s good.

Kakashi only notices a few seconds later that Karin’s managed to walk up to Uchiha Sasuke, who is sitting alone and trying to force away any possible company through waves of angsty energy. That probably isn’t fair to Sasuke, but Kakashi was doing something very similar at that age, and reserves the right to use his own terminology for what he went through and did, especially since Sasuke is also taking the tack of ‘don’t actually talk or look at anyone, just make sure they see you’re grumpy enough that they don’t even try to get close.’

Karin is apparently _very_ good at ignoring that angst-bubble, because she sits down right across from Sasuke, opens her bento, and starts eating.

Sasuke upgrades to glaring at her, but Karin’s clearly been learning about how to look unimpressed from her sister, because the ‘are you even trying?’ expression is straight out of Kanna’s playbook.

“What do you _want?”_ Sasuke demands.

Karin finishes chewing her rice, swallows, and thinks for a moment. “I don’t know enough about Konoha’s curriculum to know if or when it falls into your schedule, but did your history classes cover Uzushiogakure yet?”

Sasuke doesn’t manage to hide how bewildered he is, but he puts in a solid effort. “What the heck is Uzushio?”

Karin’s face grows dark. “The reason every Konoha uniform has a red swirl on it. You don’t even know—ugh.”

She takes another bite of her bento, and it’s aggressive in a manner that Kakashi doesn’t quite pinpoint. He wonders if Karin is naturally like this or just hero-worshipping her older sister. Maybe a bit of both. Most people don’t know how to eat _aggressively._ Resentfully, maybe, but not aggressively.

“Uzushiogakure was Konoha’s most consistent ally until an… incident, about twenty years ago,” Karin says. She grimaces. “It’s up to you to look it up, but I want you to know that it might provide some… context.”

“Context for _what?”_

Karin looks at him, measuring, and then shakes her head. “Nope. You’re angry at me for even talking to you, so I’m just going to back out from this. Read up and figure out why I suggested it, or decide it doesn’t matter. If I hold your hand through it, you’re not going to even _try_ to take it seriously, ya know?”

Sasuke looks ready to pick a fight, but Karin gets up with her lunch and walks away to go sit with some girls from her own grade. Two of them are discussing a Hyuuga boy in their class, and a third is trying to convince them that a clanless kid (Takashi, apparently) that ranks just behind him is totally a better crush, because he’s almost as good as the Hyuuga but _so_ much nicer, don’t you think?

Kakashi does not miss this kind of talk from his own school days (which isn’t really fair, because Kakashi was less than half the age of all his classmates and barely knew what kissing or dating even _was)_ , but Karin’s decision to wrinkle her nose and tell them that both boys are jerks and neither one even knew how to recognize an explosive seal makes Kakashi want to laugh. It works on the fourth girl in the group, too, because she cackles at the top of her lungs and asks where Karin got her priorities from.

Karin stares her down emotionlessly and says, “the bottom of the ocean,” which just has the girl in the panda buns laughing even harder.

Huh. All _two_ of the children Kakashi actually cares about are doing well at school and making friends. That’s nice.

Sasuke rushes past Kakashi’s tree, murder on his face. When Kakashi sees him again, he’s entering the library.

\--

Kakashi waits until the kids are done with their lunch, and then meanders off to grab his own bite to eat. He wanders about town for a bit, thinking about what Karin said, and wondering if the goal is what he expects it to be. Kanna hasn’t talked about Uzushiogakure, but what he knows _does_ suggest that she could have been one of the survivors. She’d have been four? Maybe? So the memories wouldn’t be great, but…

Well, as much as Kanna hasn’t talked about Uzushiogakure, she _did_ share a story of something that happened when she was twelve that was very, very similar. A smaller village, somewhere she’d been doing medical work as a genin-style task despite not technically belonging to a village, and nobody listening to her when she told them she could sense an army coming.[2]

She was the _only_ survivor, that time.

So yeah, whatever Kanna’s experiences were, Kakashi’s pretty sure there’s _something_ there that someone in the house decided would help with connecting to Sasuke. Kakashi’s mostly curious about whether Karin decided to do this herself or was acting on instructions from her sister, or Sakura. The latter’s more likely, honestly, but Kakashi’s a little biased. Sakura’s just been a hell of a lot less abrasive than Kanna, and seems to care more about ‘kids in general’ as opposed to ‘kids that are mine,’ so Kakashi can see that a lot more easily. That said, he hasn’t made a habit of prying into their traumas. He’s not paid enough for that shit.

By the time he makes it back to the Academy, the kids are about five minutes away from being sent home en masse. He hops onto the wall, closes his eyes, and enjoys the sun. It’s a warm day, and while that’s pretty normal for Konoha, it’s also just a nice thing to experience. He hears the kids leave the building, and then someone is shouting his name.

At the third “Kakashi-nii-san!” he sighs and sits up, and looks down at Karin. She is very short, especially from his current vantage point. She’s also looking very grumpy, which is not great. Kakashi’s not supposed to upset the kids. That’s what leads him to more hospital time, courtesy of an Uzumaki wife.

(Well, probably. They haven’t actually hurt him directly yet, not beyond the standard spars and the jackknife of emotions from the whole _thing_ with Root, but still. A protective mother is a scary thing, and Kakashi’s man enough to admit that these women somewhat scare him.)

“Can I help you, tiny one?” he asks, because he’s still kind of a jackass, and he knows it.

Karin glares up at him, hands on her hips. “You were spying on us at lunch!”

What the _fuck._

Kakashi hadn’t been trying that hard to hide himself, granted, but it should have taken at _minimum_ a chuunin to know he was there. Or a Hyuuga.

“Who told you that?” he asks.

“I could _feel_ you,” she says. “Your chakra is _really big,_ Nii-san.”

What.

Were nine-year-olds allowed to be that chakra sensitive? Kakashi knew that Karin and Kanna were both apparently ‘near-prodigious’ sensors, but Kakashi was _ANBU._ He was _not_ supposed to get called out by Academy students.

“That’s impressive,” he says, instead of betraying any of his thoughts on how completely unfair it was that he was going to have start completely silencing his chakra when he did this. He’d probably have to tell the person in charge of Naruto’s ANBU guard, just in case the ANBU commander wanted to make sure nobody got called out by a nine-year-old.

Karin goes from ‘hands on hips’ to ‘arms crossed’ and keeps glaring at him. “So, what were you doing?”

“Making sure my favorite brats are safe!” Kakashi does his level best to smile through the mask. Hopefully, the curve of his eye is doing its job. “And you are! I saw you even made friends!”

Karin keeps glaring at him. It would be cute, if he wasn’t already pretty sure she’d be as scary as the rest of her family in ten years.

“And here comes one of them now!” Kakashi says, still as brightly as he can get away with, and then uses a shunshin—a careful one, so he doesn’t jostle the arm—and ends up right in front of Naruto. He’s not running away from Karin, exactly, but he doesn’t want to intrude on the undoubtedly awkward conversation she’s about to have.

Kakashi’s hearing is sharp, more so than even most of the Inuzuka, so he eavesdrops while Naruto tries to tell a story about what happened in math class. It’s a little difficult, but mostly because Naruto is such a disjointed storyteller that it takes far more brainpower than it should to actually follow along. Kakashi’s… _pretty_ sure that’s just an age thing? But drunk Kushina had been just as bad at telling stories with any sense of narrative consistency, or putting things in order, that Kakashi thinks it might just be a Naruto thing.

Still. He’s a _professional._ He can totally eavesdrop on some teenyboppers on the other side of the Academy courtyard.

“I looked up Uzushiogakure.”

“Yeah?”

“It fell twenty years ago. Destroyed. In the second war.”

“Yeah.”

“The book mentioned the Uzumaki clan, and how they were… mostly wiped out.”

“Uh-huh.”

“It doesn’t make us the _same.”_

“No duh.”

“You weren’t even _alive_ when that happened!”

“My sister is twenty-four.”

Silence.

“It’s not the same. You’re right about that. But if you want to know someone that understands even _part_ of what you went through, then Kanna-aneki is… yeah.”

More silence.

“Ugh, whatever, I don’t know why I thought you’d listen _anyway._ Bye, Uchiha.”

Sasuke doesn’t stop her from leaving.

Kakashi isn’t at all sure what to think about the whole thing, and he honestly isn’t sure he wants to.

This really does sound like it’s Kanna’s problem.

Kakashi just goes back to listening to Naruto’s story, which has now grown to encompass about half of his class, and a significant portion of Shino’s bugs, though not Shino himself.

\--

Kakashi gets pulled into more ANBU missions as soon as his arm is done healing. Fortunately, most of those missions are in-house, so to speak. Unfortunately, this is because the Hokage is finally moving against Danzō in a way that is _decisive_ instead of _cautious._

There are no illusions: taking Danzō out of the picture _will_ kill some of Konoha’s best. Kakashi’s gotten the rundown on what to expect, and most of it is pretty much what he’d have thought of himself, except then the Hokage turns to Kakashi and tells him that he’s needed on point, because there’s a solid chance that Danzō has a solid Sharingan under those bandages on his face, and a lesser but still definitely not negligible chance that he’s hiding a dozen more under those bandages on his _arm._

Kakashi looks around the room in vain hopes that someone will admit that he’s being fucked with, but no. He’s not that lucky.

Sakura and Kanna are on the same team as Kakashi, and apparently that specific team is being headed by the Hokage himself, so it’s all boiling down to a desperately overpowered team to battle a bastard that stole other people’s power-ups. He gets a pat on the shoulder and a commiserating grimace from Sakura, which is nice. He gets punched in the shoulder and told to buck up before the mission starts or she’s going to leave his ass to rot from Kanna, which he’s _pretty_ sure is her way of telling him to be careful out there because she somewhat appreciates him as a person and doesn’t want him to die. So that’s also? Nice? Maybe? He’s not sure. He’s going to take it as a win, though.

For all that the Sharingan affords him perfect recall and preternatural clarity, the actual night is something of a blur. There’s a hell of a lot of fighting, and at one point they get a message from Inoichi stating that his team found an entire bunker of traumatized and emotionally abused orphans, which is just. Great. It’s just _great._ Kakashi hates this entire place and everything about it and wants to go home. Root was a terrible part of his life and he has rarely ever _stopped_ being grateful for the fact that he was a big enough name that Danzō couldn’t just disappear him. He’s like ninety percent sure he’s going to have nightmares for at least a week or two, and the Hokage is probably going to make him go talk to Kurenai again, and then Kakashi’s going to end up snapping because she makes him _talk about his feelings_ instead of just drinking away the pain, and that almost _always_ ends up with Kakashi either going emotionally catatonic for a few days or, on a handful of memorable occasions that Kurenai is never, ever, _ever_ allowed to talk about, having a total breakdown and sobbing onto her shoulder for three and a half hours.

The only other person that gets to see ‘Kakashi, but having emotions and crying about them’ these days is Gai, and Gai has made a promise to never tell a _soul_ unless he has good reason to believe Kakashi’s going to hurt himself or someone else. Gai’s promises are as good as Kurenai’s confidentiality contracts, on that count. Better, even, because Kurenai is occasionally obligated to report her findings to the Hokage when their sessions are part of a mandatory psych eval, while Gai is just doing his best to be a good friend, and when Gai does his best at something, he’s _damn_ good at it.

Anyway.

Danzō goes down, and they’re lucky enough that nobody dies. It’s a pain in the ass, because the Hokage wants Danzō taken in alive if at all possible, since they’re going to need information if they want to even _start_ taking apart the mess he’s made of Konoha, but they manage it. Kakashi’s pretty sure that the reveal of Kanna’s chakra chains is going to feature in his nightmares, actually, because apparently they’re the kind of trigger that brings back latent guilt about Kushina’s death, and… maybe the Hokage is right about Kakashi needing a few more months of therapy. Or years. Probably years.

(Yes, okay, Kakashi technically already knew about the chains being a thing, but there’s a difference between ‘am aware of’ and ‘am currently watching.’)

Thankfully, Kakashi has no guilt, or even surprise, about Sakura’s strength being on par with Tsunade. He already knew it, technically, it’s just that he’s now getting evidence, and despite everything, cave-ins and collapsing aren’t actually a trigger for him. Too much experience with doton jutsu for it to hit him, really.

They manage to get Danzō, at any rate, and while the Sandaime is the one to land the deciding blow, Kanna is the one that layers down the seals to make it possible to transport the bastard, and Sakura is the one to cut off the arm with the eyes and remove the one in his head. The process is literally vomit-inducing and it takes a few solid minutes for Kakashi to stop feeling the phantom sensation of the transplant he underwent at the tender age of fourteen.

Today is a very bad day. Good things are sure to come of it, but also. It’s a bad day.

Just. Just the fucking _worst day_ Kakashi could have without someone he cares about actively dying.

“Kanna-san,” he says at the end of it all, when there are people who are _not_ Kakashi handling the process of unsealing Root members and processing prisoners and ensuring people don’t try to free Danzō. “Kanna-san, I am going to blame you for everything.”

“The fuck are you talking about?”

“Today has been a very bad day. I think you know that. I am _going_ to sleep poorly and probably get dragged into a psych eval, and since this all started with you wanting to look at my Root seal, I’m blaming you.”

Her answer is short, and eloquent, and very her. “Get fucked, Hatake.”

“Make me.”

\--

Kakashi gets tapped for a few of the ‘fix Root’s messes’ missions. There’s quite a few of them, and the only bright spot is that he gets to talk to Jiraiya a few times. The man is in town for a hot second, and a lot of the information-gathering missions come back to get processed through him. Kakashi lucks out enough to go out for drinks and reminisce about Minato-sensei one night, and it’s calming in a way few things have been since this whole mess started.

Jiraiya mentions that they can see each other at the Uzumaki house, since Kanna’s enough of a seal master that there’s a good excuse for them to visit. She’s not as good as Jiraiya himself yet, or as good as Minato-sensei or Kushina-nee, but she’s also only twenty-four. There’s room for growth, definitely, and Jiraiya seems pretty happy with both the fact that there _is_ an excuse that lets him check in on Naruto in person, and with the fact that said excuse is legit enough that he can talk about seals with someone who _gets it_ in a way few people these days do. Kakashi’s happy for him, genuinely, and the night of drinks turns into a trip to the Uzumaki house the next day.

“Sakura-hime!” Jiraiya booms as he steps into the house.

Sakura, who is midway through pulling what looks like half a roast pig out of the oven, is frozen and staring at them. Her eyes are so wide that Kakashi momentarily finds himself imagining that they’re about to fall out of her head. He shoves that thought aside into a little box and tries to think about something unrelated, like the way Pakkun was so busy talking about how nice his new shampoo was that he walked into a wall the other day.

‘The way to deal with intrusive thoughts varies from person to person, but replacing the thought with something else that’s harmless is a good option. Just telling yourself to not think about it rarely works, but having a thought that can grab your attention as easily and is healthier to focus on can train your mind to stop following those intrusive thoughts to dangerous places,’ Kurenai had told him. It’s not the first time he’s had some disturbing thoughts about eyes since the Danzō situation happened, and he’s trying very hard not to let himself get dragged down into worse places about it.

“Why are you calling nee-chan a princess?” Little Karin demands, glaring at Jiraiya like he’s the villain of a light novel. The way she’s gripping the fork is definitely meant to be a threat. It’s adorable.

“Because he first met me while I was with Tsunade,” Sakura says, finally standing up with the roast. “Remember how Shishou said I was her spiritual successor or something? Jiraiya decided that since Tsunade is the Senju princess, I’m a princess too.”

“But you’re _not,”_ Karin insists.

“Yes, but Jiraiya’s a very silly man who likes to make very silly jokes,” Sakura tells her. “Finish your spinach. You need the iron.”

“But it’s gross.”

“Karin. Finish your spinach.”

“But—”

“I will tell Kanna. Do not test me.”

“…okay, nee-chan.”

Kakashi tries not to laugh. “Great parenting, there.”

“I can break you using one pinky finger, Hatake,” Sakura tells him, voice dry. “I don’t suppose you boys want some tea?”

“Maa, tea’s good,” Kakashi acquiesces. “Jiraiya-sama?”

“Anything from a lady as lovely as your—gah!”

Kakashi looks down at where Jiraiya has been laid low by a thrown cutting board.

Sakura sniffs. “Three cups of tea, then.”

“Four,” Karin corrects. “Um, please?”

“Four it is,” Sakura agrees. “You can all go wait in the living room. Jiraiya, you know the rules.”

“Aa,” Jiraiya sighs. “The wife is home, then?”

“And sleep-deprived,” Sakura tells him. “So _be nice.”_

Kakashi ambles along behind Jiraiya, and quietly asks, “There’s rules?”

Jiraiya shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.”

The next hour or two pass more or less normally. Sakura’s roast isn’t the best Kakashi’s ever had, but it’s palatable enough, and Jiraiya shares a few anecdotes about adventures with Tsunade that have Sakura almost falling out of her seat with laughter. Karin sits with them, tea in her hands, trying to look as serious and as grown up as possible. Kakashi manages to get her to open up about what she’s learning at school, and the more specific lessons her sister is giving her at home about sealing and sensing. The excitement on her face is honestly a relief to see. Karin’s too young to be that grumpy about people. The way she goes off about fuuinjutsu is almost as intense as Naruto going off about being Hokage, and with Jiraiya goading the girl in regards to specifics, it’s just…

It’s calming. It’s _nice._ Kakashi was never a normal kid, and never really hung out with normal kids that weren’t at least genin. Even Rin and Obito and Gai had been blooded in battle pretty soon after he met them. Seeing kids get to _be_ kids is like a really weird balm to his soul that he didn’t consider before. Karin and Naruto have both been through some shit, but they get to be kids now, while they still _are_ kids, and Kakashi isn’t so poisoned by the system to think that their innocence is worth throwing away in favor of younger, stronger soldiers.

He’s evidence of why that doesn’t work, and if anyone tries to argue with him about it, he’ll just point to Uchiha Itachi.

When Naruto comes careening in, he’s like a human comet. He yells at Sakura for a few moments about how he actually passed a history exam—a rare occurrence before, but he’s averaging a C right now, and very proud of that fact—and finally notices Jiraiya and Kakashi.

“Ah!” he yells, pointing right at Jiraiya. “Ero-sennin!”

Kakashi snorts. He doubts Jiraiya’s insulted. It’s genuinely funny.

“Naruto,” Sakura scolds. “Don’t _call_ him that.”

“But he is!”

“You’re _eight,_ you shouldn’t be talking about ero- _anything,”_ Sakura tells him. “Also…”

Naruto fidgets when Sakura squints at him. “What?”

“Did you forget your afternoon medication, or is it just a bad day?”

Naruto blinks, and screws up his face in concentration, and lets out an “Um…” noise that is in no way reassuring.

Sakura’s hands glow green for a moment, and then she sighs. “It’s not too late for the afternoon dose. Karin, can you—”

“Sure.”

Kakashi watches them go, wondering what he missed, and when. Jiraiya asks the question on both their minds.

“Medication?”

Sakura shrugs. “We did some tests, talked to a Yamanaka… there are a few different factors, including both genetic and chakra-related complications, but Naruto’s gotten an ADHD diagnosis. The medication he’s on right now doesn’t really get him to a point people would consider ‘normal,’ but he’s more… level.”

Kakashi thinks back to how Naruto’s been doing his homework more consistently when he’s there, and while Kakashi had previously attributed that to finally having a sturdy support network and stable home life, medication for undiagnosed neurodivergence makes sense too.

Jiraiya asks a few more questions about the medical side of things, questions that, with context, Kakashi knows are about the Kyuubi and how it affects the situation. If the kids overhear anything, though, it’ll probably just come across as being about how Uzumaki chakra levels are high enough to impact something like this. Kakashi loses the thread of the conversation after about five minutes, because he never studied medicine, while Jiraiya is _very_ well-versed in Jinchuuriki side effects in medicine and Sakura is… Sakura.

Kanna exits the master bedroom partway through the conversation, hair mussed and eyes bleary. “There better be coffee.”

“We have tea,” Sakura offers. “And I know how much caffeine you’ve had today, so that’s the best you’re getting.”

“Coffee.”

“No.”

The two women glare at each other for a moment, and then Kanna collapses onto the couch next to Sakura and leans into her shoulder with a groan.

“Long day?” Kakashi asks.

Kanna groans again, louder this time.

“I saw the work you did on the Root seals,” Jiraiya says. “Impressive as hell, that.”

“…thanks,” Kanna says. She sits up, rubbing at her forehead. “It’s been a rough month.”

Kakashi blinks. “Wait, month?”

“You _know_ we’re still working on the Danzō situation,” Kanna grumbles at him. Sakura squeezes her shoulder. “Guess who has to deal with sorting through all his collaborations with Orochimaru?”

Jiraiya chokes on his tea.

“Don’t stain the carpet,” Sakura says mildly.

Jiraiya coughs for a few moments, and then weakly says, “Sensei didn’t mention _that.”_

“Needed you elsewhere, probably,” Kanna says. “The Orochimaru stuff doesn’t have a whole lot of information you could use to find him; it’s mostly just records of medical experimentation.”

Kakashi’s stomach turns. It’s about the eyes. He’s sure of it.

“Ah,” Jiraiya says, and then visibly releases the tension in his muscles. “You _would_ know how to decode those best. I almost forgot.”

Kakashi looks between them for a moment, and then meets Sakura’s eyes.

“Classified,” she tells him. She shoots Jiraiya a look. “The kind that we shouldn’t be _hinting at_ in front of people.”

He looks appropriately chagrined.

“I won’t ask,” Kakashi tells them. “I genuinely _do not_ want to know, especially because you’ve already dragged me into some weird bullshit, and I’m not in the mood to get pulled into more.”

“Coward,” Sakura teases. “We’re just _helping,_ Kakashi-kun.”

“Don’t believe you, _Sakura-kohai.”_

The look on her face is so affronted that he pulls out a book to hide behind. The kids are in a different room. It’s fine. He’s not going to get his ass kicked.

“Oh hey, that’s one of mine,” Jiraiya says.

Near simultaneous is Kanna’s incredulous, “Kohai?”

“She almost called me senpai the other day,” Kakashi explains, with a shit-eating grin behind his mask. “It was cute.”

Kanna looks deeply annoyed. “Sakura, really?”

“It was an _accident,”_ Sakura complains. “He just won’t _let it go.”_

“Maybe he should be calling you sensei,” Jiraiya suggests. “Since you’re a fully-licensed medic. Civilians call their doctors ‘sensei,’ so…”

Sakura eyes Kakashi. “I would _love_ to have you call me sensei, Kakashi-kun.”

“No thanks,” Kakashi says. “I’m just going to keep calling you kohai.”

She pouts at him.

“Oh, that reminds me,” Jiraya says, digging for a scroll. “Well, no, Naruto reminded me, but I did bring some things back for the brats.”

Kanna cracks an eye open from where she’s still leaning into Sakura’s shoulder. _“Both_ of them, right?”

Jiraiya snorts. “I know better than to play favorites in this house.”

 _“Good,”_ Kanna hisses, and the turns and presses her face back into Sakura’s neck. “Someone get the kids.”

Sakura pats her absentmindedly. “Kakashi, do you mind?”

“Not at all.”

When he gets the kids and comes back, there’s a little frog-themed wallet for Naruto, something Jiraiya declares as being Super Cool as a Major Step Towards Adulthood, and when Naruto points out that he’s been buying things with his own money for years, Jiraiya just reemphasizes that toads are Super Cool.

Naruto is mollified by this, because Naruto is his father’s son and absolutely believes that frogs and toads are incredibly awesome. There is a matching sleep cap. Naruto is delighted with it.

Karin is given a fan, which she seems to find underwhelming, but attempts to be polite about. Jiraiya just grins and tells her to channel some chakra into it. The fan sprouts small blades from the end of each rib, and Karin’s eyes go wide and shiny. She is enamored. Kakashi is a little scared for the future of the furniture.

“Do we… _know_ anyone who could teach her to use that?” Kanna asks.

“Not in Konoha,” Sakura says, “So no.”

“I can ask around,” Kakashi offers. If nothing else, Anko can probably point him in the right direction. She seems to know almost every weapon-user in Konoha. “But I’ll say right now that she _probably_ shouldn’t bring that to school.”

“What?” Karin demands, turning to look at him in horror. “Why not?!”

“Academy teachers discourage non-standard weapons and styles on the basis that they can’t interfere if they see a student doing something wrong,” Kakashi says. “It’s… there have been incidents, before, which resulted in enough injuries that they just banned it flat-out unless there was a teacher or guest instructor in attendance that knew the specific style in question.”

Kakashi may or may not have been behind one of those incidents. In his defense, he was four.

“But I wanna show TenTen!”

“So invite her over,” Sakura says. “She’s a nice girl, I definitely don’t mind.”

Karin turns to Kanna. “Aneki—”

“You can show her in the courtyard before or after class, and then I’ll take it home,” Kanna cuts her off. “Or you can bring her over here. You will _not_ bring it to class, because I’ve already gotten one report of you getting into a fight and that shit ain’t good for my blood pressure.”

“Kanna!” Sakura snaps. “Language!”

“Meh, I heard worse at that age,” Kanna dismisses. “The kids are fine.”

“Okay, but _still.”_

It’s a good day, Kakashi thinks.

‘Progress,’ even.

* * *

[1] Apparently this aspect of the manga is actually based on a real-life phenomenon in Japanese schools, one that stems from Japanese cultural norms, and I _really_ wish I could find the post that explained it, because it was a fascinating look into how different the high-school romance scene is in other countries.

[2] It’s heavily implied that the army was Orochimaru’s doing, specifically to poach Karin, in the databook that gives us this information. Obviously, Kanna can’t tell Kakashi the specifics, because some things can’t be explained with time travel, but… well. It’s one of the reasons Taka didn’t get on Sasuke’s nerves as much as they could have; literally every member had lost their clan or village in a horrifying tragedy, and understood the whole Uchiha Massacre situation from the survivor’s perspective. Like, Suigetsu and Karin were obviously annoying as hell, much as I love them, but they _got_ the whole ‘lone survivor’ thing. (Juugo was a nice boy with severe mental health issues that needed some help.)

Point is, while canon Karin didn’t actually go through the destruction of Uzushiogakure, her lived experiences are similar enough that Kanna can use it as an explanation. Also on that list of things is that, while losing your clan _before_ you’re born is nowhere near what Sasuke went through, the aspect of “there’s so much of my family history that is now lost to us forever because all the people that would have passed it on are dead” is there, and… yeah, no, I have a lot of feelings on this subject and while I’d normally let the fic speak for itself, so many people don’t know Karin’s canon background as a (village) massacre survivor in her own right, and that means footnotes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We don't know EXACTLY when Uzushiogakure fell, but "when Kakashi was a toddler and Kushina was in her teens" is the most convenient for me, so that's what I'm going with.


	4. The Pattern is... More Humans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kakashi is confronted by an ever-growing herd of children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: references to Root-typical emotional conditioning and violence, references to Sakumo's suicide, and 'how to deal with traumatized children' stuff

When Kakashi swings by the Uzumaki house for the weekly dinner that Sakura _insists_ he come to, he is… _technically_ early. This is only because Sakura has a lunch scheduled before it, and Kakashi is late to that, which ends up meaning he’s early for the dinner. In Kakashi’s defense, he’s fully aware of the manipulation, and he likes having an excuse to technically be late without having to miss out on warm food. Showing up when he does also means he gets to bother the kids, which neither Uzumaki woman begrudges him for. They all know Naruto was, at least initially, the only reason Kakashi even bothered to visit. There’s more to it now—he thinks he’s made that friendship with Sakura real, and Kanna’s decent, and Kakashi’s not going to be mean to _Karin—_ but all three adults know that Naruto’s the favorite.

The thing is, Kakashi enters the house and passes through those blood-activated wards, and finds himself staring down at an unfamiliar child.

Black eyes. Black hair. Pale skin. _Not_ Uchiha Sasuke, for all that Kakashi’s seen the boy staring balefully at Kanna in a way that suggests he’s trying to decide if he should talk to her or not. This kid isn’t in any of Naruto or Karin’s classes, and Kakashi’s come along with Sakura to pick them up often enough—and yes, stalked Naruto—enough to know their classmates on sight.

“Hello,” the child says, and sticks out a hand that’s stained faintly grey. “I am Sai.”

Kakashi blinks down at him, and delicately shakes the hand. “Hi. I’m Kakashi. Er… are you… a friend of Naruto’s? Or Karin’s?”

Sai frowns. “I am… new.”

Cool. That’s definitely helpful. Not.

“So…” Kakashi says, floundering. “Uh. Are Sakura or Kanna here, or…?”

“Sakura-san is in the backyard,” Sai states. “She is... picking flowers.”

Kakashi furrows his brow. “She hasn’t mentioned flowers before…”

“They are for poisons. And medicines.” Sai blinks at Kakashi with too-big eyes. Kids, on the average, have really big eyes and the proportions are just odd to Kakashi. “Do you want to go see her? I can take you there.”

“Sure,” Kakashi says, and lets Sai gingerly take his hand and lead him to the back patio, from where Kakashi can see Sakura on her knees in a small garden he’s never paid much attention to. “Hello, Sakura-kohai!”

“Don’t _call_ me that!” she yells back, standing up and clapping her hands together until the gardening gloves are relatively free of loose dirt, and just left with the caked-in dust they’ll never be rid of. She strips them off, and looks up. “Oh! You met Sai.”

“Yep,” Kakashi says, glancing down at Sai for a moment before he looks back up at Sakura. “Sure did.”

Sakura seems to realize something in that moment, and smiles in a way that looks more brittle than anything. “Sai, honey, can you go put some water on the stove? We’ll be inside in a moment.”

“Hai,” Sai says, and turns and wanders back inside.

Kakashi waits until Sakura’s within easy speaking distance to say it. “Bit of an odd kid.”

She winces. “Former Root.”

Ah. Shit.

“So… just staying with you, or…?”

She shrugs. “Depends on what he decides, but for now, yes. I guess you could say we’re fostering.”

“So you’re a mom of three, now,” Kakashi can’t help but joke.

“I’m not a mom,” Sakura huffs. “And four, actually.”

“…what?”

She grins at him, just a tad sheepish. “Sai and Shin were a package deal, already considered each other brothers, so we couldn’t very well take one and not the other, right? We were only planning on taking in Sai, but Shin insisted on sticking together, and we have the room anyway…”

“Naruto and Karin?”

Sakura snorts. “They’ve decided to get as invested as possible in helping Sai and Shin ‘figure out how to be people, dattebayo!’ It’s kind of cute. Naruto complained that he has to be the littlest brother, though. Said it wasn’t fair that he’s still the youngest.”

“Sounds like him,” Kakashi said. “Er… before we go in…”

“Hm?”

“The way Sai talks… Root, or something else? Like, do I need to adjust how I talk, or…?”

“Talk the way you would to Karin,” Sakura says after a moment. “They both prefer being taken a little more seriously, and Sai’s about half a year older than her, so that should all be fine. He doesn’t seem to have any issues with processing words or writing, just with putting together sentences when speaking. We’ll adjust as we go along and work past the Root conditioning. If it turns out there’s another factor at play, we’ll go from there.”

Kakashi takes a moment to process this, and before Sakura can open the door and go back inside, he asks, “Is that why he’s not at school with the rest of them?”

Sakura can’t quite hide the flinch. “Sai is… bad with people. Same thing as the words. Shin knows how to socialize, kind of, but Sai is still just… we don’t know. I want to help him, we all do, but we don’t even know how much is Root and what _needs_ helping…”

He can’t believe what he’s saying, but, “You already know that I was in Root. Not for very long, but I know what a lot of their training is like.”

Sakura blinks at him. “Eh?”

“I could, uh, help? Maybe?” Kakashi rubs the back of his head. “Pay you back for dinner and for… you know. The other stuff.”

“Oh,” Sakura says, and blinks at him for another moment. “Um. That’s not necessary, but thank you. You could talk to Sai now, if you want? Maybe he’ll listen to you.”

“That works,” Kakashi says, like he’s not suffering from the sudden panic of having a traumatized ten-year-old’s emotional wellbeing dependent on his own emotional competence. It’s a lot of pressure, and it’s pressure that Kakashi _volunteered_ for, so he can’t even _blame_ anyone.

(Is Sai ten? Probably, Karin is ten now, and Kakashi thinks they look about the same age.)

Is it too late to go get Tenzō? It probably is. Kakashi immediately regrets anything that led to this responsibility.

Sai has already made some tea by the time the adults make it in. Sakura washes her hands, and manages to give off a menacing enough aura that Kakashi finds himself taking off his fingerless gloves and washing his hands as well, despite not having been involved in the gardening. Sai has apparently already gone through the hand-washing process; there are still greyish stains, but Kakashi’s pretty sure those are semi-permanent now that he’s had a chance to look closer.

“Sai, do you know Kakashi already?” Sakura asks, settling onto a loveseat on her lonesome. Kakashi grabs the bigger armchair, and Sai chooses to sit on the floor.

“Hatake Kakashi is an A-rank shinobi, current Jounin and ANBU, former Root, former student of the Yondaime Hokage, and has no outstanding suspicions cast on his loyalty to the village. One transplanted Sharingan, a faulty left tendon in the ankle due to an old injury, and a weakness against wind techniques,” Sai recites.

Yeah, no, Root fucked this kid up _bad._

“Do you want to meet my summons?” Kakashi asks, because kids like dogs, right? Almost all kids love dogs, and most of Kakashi’s dogs love kids.

Sai blinks at him, and then hesitantly looks at Sakura. “Am I to be learning summoning…?”

“No,” Sakura says, and her voice is patient. Calm. She’s probably been trying to navigate raising a traumatized Root kid for the better part of a week, now. She’s got ‘talking to an abused minor who doesn’t take well to being condescended’ voice down pat. “Kakashi’s summons are rather intelligent, and they like to play with kids. Naruto and Karin play with them pretty often; if you talk to them now, then you won’t be behind later, because you’ll know all their names and the best way they like their bellies rubbed.”

Sai looks dubious at this, but nods. “Okay, Sakura-san. Thank you, Hatake-san.”

“You can call me Nee-chan,” Sakura says, again in that firm, calm voice. “Or Onee-san, if that’s more comfortable?”

“No thank you, Sakura-san,” Sai says, refusing to meet Sakura’s eyes.

Kakashi decides that this is more than awkward enough, and it’s time for dogs.

The first meeting goes like this:

Pakkun looks around, spots the kid, and raises a paw. “Yo.”

Sai folds his hands in his lap, adjusts to face Pakkun, and says. “Hello. I am Sai. I look forward to getting to know you. Please take care of me.”

And then he bows, and holds it for a few seconds longer than most people would when met with Pakkun, and sits up and _looks at Kakashi_ for instructions.

“I like you!” Pakkun declares. “You’re polite. I’ll let you touch my paw. It’s super soft.”

Sai looks at Kakashi and Sakura, and finding no comment from them, takes Pakkun’s paw in hand and rubs the toe beans. Solemnly, he agrees. “It is very soft.”

Pakkun grins his doggy grin and nods. “Right! Let’s get you introduced to the pack!”

Kakashi relaxes minutely as Sai seems to decide this is some kind of test and focuses entirely on meeting, greeting, and learning about Kakashi’s ninken.

Sakura’s grin is a grateful one, and when she pats the spot next to her, Kakashi only hesitates a little before joining her. It’ll be easier to have a conversation without disturbing the kid if they’re near each other. It’s not a particularly _stimulating_ conversation, granted, but ‘which country has had the best mochi/biscuits/dango’ is always a good way to pass the time.

And then Kanna comes home.

Here’s a thing that Kakashi has learned: Kanna is never mean to her kids. She can be harsh or stern, but she draws a strict line before she gets to mean. Kakashi has seen her, on more than one occasion, get so frustrated or angry about something that she has to leave the room, but she always makes sure that she _does_ leave until her emotions cool back down into something that doesn’t harm the people around her. Kanna’s temper is volatile and, in Kakashi’s opinion, probably just as much a result of trauma as Kakashi’s own issues. She is a grumpy person on a good day, and a terrifying bitch on a bad one, but she does her damnedest to not let it touch the kids.

Kanna’s temper is shorter than most, and burns brighter, but there’s a certain terror there. She makes sure the kids know it’s nothing they’re responsible for. Kakashi’s even seen her take Naruto aside, on one occasion, and explain to him that her emotions were her own problem, and that her having to leave for a bit to calm down was _not_ Naruto’s fault. It’s a lot more consideration and nuance than anyone else has shown Naruto, and Kakashi still wishes he’d had a camera to snap a picture of the way Naruto had started crying and thrown himself into a hug after Kanna got through to him that she wasn’t mad at _him._

All this to say, Kakashi doesn’t hear Kanna in anything approaching a ‘rage mode’ very often.

Kanna has a one of those portable phones that gets handed out to higher-ups in the departments that tend to stay a little closer to home. R&D is definitely on that list, and Kanna’s more than made a name for herself there. She isn’t on it very often, but the work does occasionally demand it.

This time, Kanna comes home already in the middle of a conversation on the phone, and she is _not quiet_ about it.

“—EVEN _THINK_ ABOUT SKIPPING THE FUME HOOD AGAIN, I’M GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR GODDAMN LIVER AND FEED IT TO YOU! NO, THERE IS NO FUCKING EXCUSE, YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT, YOU ARE WORKING WITH HIGHLY VOLATILE CHEMICALS THAT ARE GOING TO _MAKE YOU GO BLIND_ IF YOU DON’T TAKE SAFETY PRECAUTIONS, YOU ARE GOING TO— _DO NOT CUT ME OFF, DAICHI.”_

Kanna drops some of her stuff off on the island in the kitchen, covers the microphone on the cellular device, and takes a deep breath. “Sakura, honey, I’m going to finish this up in the bedroom. I’ll use the privacy seals. Please don’t try to let anyone in, it’s really not worth troubling anyone over.”

“That bad?” Sakura asks sympathetically.

“Remember that time the new recruit at the hospital was mixing up the AB and A blood? Yeah,” Kanna says. “Kakashi, hi. Sai-kun, I’m sorry about all the yelling, I promise this is specifically about a work issue and has no bearing on you. Pups, you know the rules, but hi to you to. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go yell at someone who signed paperwork stating that they know how lab safety works.”

She leaves the room, and the yelling starts up again before abruptly shutting off behind the privacy seals.

Kakashi turns to Sakura. “What happened with the blood?”

“He’s not with the hospital anymore,” Sakura says, voice almost serene as she takes a sip of her tea.

Ah. Well then.

\--

Kakashi meets Shin a few hours later, and…

Hm.

Shin is definitely a lot more personable than Sai is. Shin has nearly-white hair, and a soft, polite smile that goes well with how soft-spoken he is. He calls Kakashi ‘nii-san’ after Sakura tells him it’s okay, and manages to convince Sai to edge at least as far as ‘Kakashi-san’ instead of ‘Hatake-san,’ which is a win in Kakashi’s book. Shin is currently in his last year of the academy; though his skills are enough to put him with a genin team, Sakura and Kanna had argued to the Hokage that a year with other, less traumatized kids his own age would be beneficial.

Sai, as Kakashi finds out, is going to be in Karin’s year when post-Root adjustment hits the right stage. Technically, Sai should be a year up, as he’s half a year or so older than Karin, but it’s a bit more of the whole ‘it would be beneficial’ thing. More time with children to develop his social skills, and a foster sister that will no doubt be smacking skulls together if anyone tries to mess with him. Kakashi’s already heard reports of Karin fighting people for trying to bully Naruto for his poor test scores, and he’s sure that the potential damage would only go up for someone she’s actually around _all the time._

There’s going to be a lot of crying bullies, he can already tell. Karin _bites._

Karin tries to go over basic sealing techniques with Sai, and while Sai is apparently _very_ good at calligraphy, actual fuuinjutsu theory apparently hasn’t been covered yet. Shin is glued to Sai’s side, making helpful comments and picking up what he can, but Karin is clearly focused on passing on the basics to Sai in particular. Naruto is playing with the ninken, because Kanna drilled this theory into his head weeks ago—Kakashi had even been there and tried to help, and failed to help, but he’d been decent moral support—and thus the ongoing conversation can’t hold his attention for more than a few minutes.

When Kanna finally exits the bedroom, she comes over to the loveseat and flops into Sakura’s lap.

“I _hate_ lab assistants.”

“No, you don’t,” Sakura says, pressing a kiss to Kanna’s forehead, and then she looks at Kakashi like ‘can you see what I have to deal with?’

“You could always take more out-of-village missions,” Kakashi suggests.

“Screw that,” Kanna hisses. “I’ve done my time roughing it for the sake of a mission. No, thank you. I’m sticking to my nice, sterile, air-conditioned labs.”

Sakura rolls her eyes. “Juugo.”

 _“That’s a special case,”_ Kanna snaps. “Rude. All of you.”

“Who’s Juugo?” Kakashi asks.

The kunoichi share a glance, and then Kanna grimaces. “It’s complicated. He’s related to a friend of mine who died. I’m _supposed_ to take care of him, but we’re pretty sure he’s with…”

She glances down at the kids, makes sure that Sai and Shin are facing away from them, and then flashes a few quick handsigns.

Snake nukenin.

Only one person that could be.

“I can see why that might entail having to leave the village,” Kakashi says, after a few long moments. “Would it be too forward to ask _why_ the kid is there?”

“Trying to get help for a medical issue,” Kanna says, voice short. “I don’t expect the di—as— _jerk_ in charge is going to actually help him, but desperate kids are gullible. Or at least… good at denial.”

She says it like it’s something she has personal experience with. Kakashi doesn’t press further, just hums a vague agreement and watches the kids.

Instead, he asks, “So we’re looking at five kids once you get that one.”

“Fu—screw you,” Kanna says, and there’s no heat to it.

“Six if Karin manages to talk little Uchiha Sasuke into bothering to connect with another human being.”

“Shut up,” Kanna huffs. Sakura’s giggling, though, mouth hidden behind her hand, so Kakashi’s not in trouble.

“Probably more, if the pattern holds,” Kakashi finishes. “Are there any I’m missing?”

“Tempted to say you count as one of the kids, seeing as you _act_ like one,” Kanna snips at him.

“I’ve been middle-aged since I was born,” Kakashi counters. He pats his hair. “See? I’ve already gone grey.”

“I’m going to rip out your spleen and feed it to you,” Kanna tells him. “Maybe not today, maybe not this week, maybe not even this year, but mark my words: I _will_ do it.”

“Okay, Kanna-chan. You need better threats, by the way, you use that one all the—hey!”

She smacks him with a throw pillow.

\--

It takes a few weeks, maybe months, for Sai to start going to the Academy. Kakashi isn’t entirely sure, because he was out-of-village hunting a B-rank nukenin at the time, and the mission took long enough that the possible range is just… somewhere in there. He doesn’t bother asking for the specific dates, just asks Sai how school is going.

Sai blinks at him, and then glances at Karin. His voice and expression are level and mostly empty when he turns back to Kakashi, but not completely; there’s a little glint of _something_ in those eyes. “My grades are higher than the average. Karin-senpai has been very insistent on making sure I can keep up in the subjects that Root did not bother with.”

Senpai, huh? Kakashi looks at Karin, and she smirks. It’s a child’s smirk, of course, which means it’s really more of a grin with eyebrows that are trying to be intimidating, but she sure is trying.

“Make any friends?” Kakashi tries.

Sai blinks again, and then says. “I fought Hyūga Neji in Taijutsu, and I beat him. Afterwards, he told me I was not fated to be as talentless as the rest of the class. TenTen-san said that from him, that is almost a declaration of eternal friendship.”

Karin’s smirk turns a little more vicious.

“Really, now,” Kakashi says. “And what did Hyūga-san say after this?”

Sai shrugs. “He asked that I partner with him for our geography assignment. The teacher said we needed partners, and according to him, I am more quiet and less annoying than our classmates.”

Kakashi turns to Karin. “Did you do something?”

“Not to Neji,” Karin says, and somehow, that’s worse. Kakashi doesn’t know much about children’s social politics in the first place, but from what he understands, Karin is doing _something_ at the Academy that someone should be worried about. Not Kakashi, of course, because he’s already told the Uzumaki family that he’s allergic to excess amounts of their weirdness, but someone, probably.

“Well,” Kakashi says, and pats Sai on the head. “I’m glad you’re making friends. That’s better than I managed at your age.”

Sai nods, grave as a cemetery. “Thank you, Kakashi-san.”

\--

For all that Kakashi spends time with the Uzumaki kids, going so far as to babysit when both the kunoichi are busy, or picking them up from the Academy when he’s bored, he’s not accustomed to any of them seeking him out. Naruto because he isn’t good enough at tracking, Karin because she doesn’t care to, and Sai… doesn’t go anywhere other than the Academy and the Uzumaki house.

Shin is the most distant of the kids. He’s more independent than the others, because he’s freshly thirteen and has already done real, proper missions for Root. He doesn’t talk much to Kakashi, and Kakashi doesn’t do much to reach out, either. He made a few token attempts, but talking to Shin feels a lot like talking to a foreign Jounin in a tea shop, one from a neutral or allied country and no conflicting mission objectives. It’s… polite and rote and generally empty. Not like Sai is empty, but just… boring. They have plenty in common, but the way they talk just doesn’t _mesh,_ and Shin doesn’t respond the way the others do, so Kakashi gives up. Some things just aren’t meant to be.

Except then Shin tracks him down on a day off and asks if they can talk.

Kakashi’s mind races for a few moments, wondering if maybe someone is dead, or Shin has gotten a scary idea in his head that Kakashi is a threat to his new family, or maybe it’s girl problems? Kakashi is useless for girl problems, but at least that’s less trouble than the other options.

Kakashi does not show this on his face. Kakashi nods slowly, and asks Shin if he’d like to get some ice cream while they talk. Shin agrees, and they do just that. Kakashi’s mind continues to shove panicked assumptions about what’s going on into his head until they sit down on a bench in the park. It takes a few minutes for Shin to work up the energy and thoughts to actually ask his question.

“How does one go about being a good older brother?”

Oh.

“You seem to be doing a pretty good job with Sai already,” Kakashi says, as neutrally as he can. “That kid adores you, and Naruto thinks you’re, and I quote, ‘a total badass.’ Karin is… I don’t know what’s going through her head, honestly, but if she’s anything like her sister, then I’m not sure I want to.”

Shin cracks a small smile at that, looking down at the ground. “She takes good care of Sai when I’m not there. I’m grateful for her presence in our lives.”

Kakashi nods, but doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. He doubts this is the core of it, though. Shin probably isn’t just looking for shallow affirmations or support. “What exactly is your worry? Sai is your most precious person, and I think you’ve done well at being an older brother, especially given the circumstances.”

“That’s just it,” Shin says, pursing his lips into a thin line. “I did well for when we were in Root. But we’re not in Root anymore. We are… we’re being asked to enter the world at large, to make friends and learn how to interact with people and have emotions, and everything is _different._ I know how to be a good brother in Root. I do not know how to be an _actual_ good older brother. I do not need to protect Sai from our training instructors or volunteer for missions that are too dangerous for him, now. I just… I can teach him, but that’s no different from an Academy sensei.”

“Ah,” Kakashi says. He has no idea what to say here. “Have you spoken with Sakura or Kanna about this?”

Shin glares at the ground. It’s not a very powerful glare—Root had trained the emotion out, so it’s really more of a stare—but it’s enough for Kakashi to give him the time he needs to gather his thoughts again. “They are… not entirely helpful. They are older, much older, and they said that they were more like aunts than actual sisters, because they’re a decade and a half older than the other children. When I asked Sakura, she just told me that she was sure I was doing a great job, and to not worry so much, and that’s… not enough. I need to know. I need—I need books, or instructions, or someone to watch and interpret. You’re older, too, but… I thought you might be able to tell me something they couldn’t, or… that you might understand. Why it’s different. Why _Root_ is…”

“Aa, I understand,” Kakashi says. He’s sure Sakura was doing her best, but Shin is… not a lot like Kakashi, necessarily, but maybe like Itachi was, before everything. He’s young and capable and serious, but a little broken, and entirely devoted to a younger sibling that means the world. Add in Root, and it’s no surprise that what Sakura said might not have been the best option. “I have never been an older brother, but I know what it’s like to exit Root and… try to navigate these bonds.”

Kakashi doesn’t know that many shinobi with siblings. Asuma has an older sister, but Katsumi’s never been a huge fan of Kakashi’s, and with Asuma out with the other Guardians, it’s not worth bothering her. Itachi… no. Obviously. Maybe if this had happened a year ago, but not now. _Obviously._ No matter how well Itachi and Shin probably would have gotten on. Ibiki would probably throw a kunai at anyone who even hinted at the Idate situation, so that was right out. The Hyūga—nope. Nope nope nope, nobody from _that_ tangle of dysfunction. Who e—

Oh hey. That's an option.

“How about I introduce you to someone that I know is _very_ mentally and emotionally stable, and that I know for a fact is a great older sister, with a younger sibling that’s just about Naruto’s age. The age difference is a bit bigger than what you have with Sai, but I think she’d be happy to talk to you about what you’re going through.”

“How big of an age difference?” Shin asks.

“Er… five years, I think?” He tries to remember the exact gap, but he wasn't exactly paying attention during the second pregnancy. “But her clan is incredibly family-oriented, so she’d probably be happy to help you talk to someone who’s got a closer sibling, if that’s what you need. And I can stick with you while you talk if you want someone to, er, play ‘normal to Root’ translator.”

Shin frowns at the ground again. He scuffs one of his sandals in the dust, and then nods. “Okay, Kakashi-san.”

Kakashi can’t help it. He ruffles the boy’s hair, earning himself a startled, slightly offended yelp. “Alright! Let’s get going. I think she’s in town today, so hopefully we can catch her by the clan compound.”

“Which compound?”

“You’ll see.”

\--

The first thing they see, upon reaching the compound, is Inuzuka Hana gleefully holding her little brother up by his ankles, and shaking him while he hollers that he’s ‘never gonna give in, not ever!’ Hana cackles and moves on to spinning a few times, and then he finally cries uncle. Kakashi puts a hand on Shin’s shoulder, holds him back, and they watch. Hana drops her brother to the ground with little ceremony, and he rolls to his feet easily. The brat whines a bit, but then someone calls his name from across the compound. With one last yell of ‘you’re the _worst,_ nee-chan!’ he runs off to what looks like the kennels, and Kakashi waves.

“Hatake!” Hana crows, jogging over with three small-but-growing pups at her heels. “You son of a gun, I haven’t seen you in ages!”

She grabs him in a hug and thumps his back, and Kakashi rolls his eyes. Hana is only thirteen, a year older than Shin, but she’s got the kind of swagger that Kakashi knows she learned from her mother. The greeting was directly from Tsume’s playbook, too. Kakashi pats her on the shoulder, and then spins her to face Shin. “Introductions.”

Hana glances up at him, clearly unimpressed. Shin _also_ looks up at him, but his expression is dubious. It’s well-disguised, of course, but Kakashi goes through life with a good eighty percent of his face covered up completely, and has spent the better part of a decade in ANBU. He can read a thirteen-year-old.

Unsurprisingly, Hana makes the first move. “Hi!” She sticks her hand out, the other propped on a hip, and looks at Shin like he’s the biggest challenge of her little genin career. “I’m Inuzuka Hana! I’m gonna be a medic and a kickass kunoichi! Nice to meet you!”

“…I am Shin,” the boy says, cautiously shaking Hana’s hand, like he’s not entirely sure what to make of it. Root was big on traditional shows of deference and politeness, where it mattered, which means that Shin probably only knows about handshakes in _theory_ instead of practice. It’s a very Northern thing, more common in Lightning and Earth, but the Inuzuka adopted it long before they came to Konoha. It’s one of the ways they keep other people off-balance. After all, a hand stuck in your personal space is much more aggressive than a bow, and when it’s as uncommon as it is in Konoha, even that simple greeting has the element of surprise.

Kakashi notices the annoyance that flashes across Hana’s face, and elbows Shin in the shoulder. “She told you her goals.”

Shin presses his lips together again, but lifts his chin and says, “I am formerly of Root. I would like to serve Konoha as a shinobi, and repair what damage my previous missions may have caused. I currently live with Uzumaki Kanna and Sakura. It is good to meet you as well.”

Good enough.

“You busy, Hana-chan?” Kakashi asks.

“I’m not _five,_ Kakashi,” Hana grouses. The pout is adorable. “You don’t have to call me that anymore.”

“But I can, so I shall, because you’re still a _puppy,”_ Kakashi teases. “Seriously, though, does your mom need you? Or your genin team?”

“Mom might want me back soon, but I think she’d be cool with it if you told her you needed me,” Hana says with a shrug. “I’m supposed to help out at the kennels later.”

“Mm,” Kakashi hums, rolling the thought around for a moment. “Alright. You two stay here while I go talk to Tsume. Shin’s in his last year at the Academy, so you shouldn’t be too far apart in that. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Kakashi is gone before Shin’s betrayed face properly registers, but when it does, he can’t help but laugh to himself a bit. It’s good to see some degree of emotion on the Root kids, even if Shin was already doing better on that front. Tsume’s apparently in her kitchen, and Kakashi’s lucky enough that there’s a side-door in that he can knock on. She looks up, raises brow, and motions him in.

“You flea-bitten bastard, where’ve you been?” Tsume demands, grinning wide enough to show off her fangs. “Haven’t seen you in a blue moon!”

“Around,” Kakashi says. “You know. Fixing messes. Helping raise kids that aren’t actually mine.”

Tsume scoffs. “Ah, the Uzumaki house. Heard about that. Naruto’s there, right?”

Kakashi nods, and the knowledge hangs unspoken between them. They can’t say it, but they both know it.

The Inuzuka clan have some of the only noses in Konoha that can rival Kakashi’s own, and Tsume is among the best. Parentage is an easy thing to sniff out, after all. She knows why he goes there, why he ever considered doing anything so mundane as babysitting some Academy brats when he doesn’t have to.

“Here for another pup?” she asks, and the tension is gone, just like that. “Didn’t think you’d be expanding the pack this soon, but—”

“No,” Kakashi says, and then winces at the growled reprimand. “Sorry, no, I—I actually need to borrow Hana for a bit. If that’s alright?”

Tsume sits up a bit straighter, eyes him up and down, and then sniffs. She sits back, and Kakashi knows what she’s found.

“How old?”

“Thirteen, barely, and asking me how to be a good brother,” Kakashi says. “Thinks I’m the best reference since I…”

Tsume tilts her head. Kakashi doesn’t know if she ever figured out he was part of Root. There aren’t any distinctive smells to it, beyond Danzō himself. Whatever Tsume’s looking for, though, she finds it. She nods sharply and waves him away. “Have her back by eight, don’t let her get kidnapped or stabbed.”

“Thank you, Tsume-san,” Kakashi says, and leaves the building with the quietest click of a lock that he can.

(Tsume was… _is…_ a very important person to Kakashi. She wasn’t like sensei or Kushina, but there were things about being a Hatake that were lost with Sakumo’s death. The Inuzuka weren’t related to them in blood, but they are the closest in spirit. When Kakashi had been adrift, tired and lost and trying to find anything at all to tie himself to what was left of his decimated clan, Minato had brought him here, and asked if any of the Inuzuka clan techniques overlapped enough with the Hatake to be shared. Tsume’s father had been on Sakumo’s team at one point, and had dropped Kakashi in her lap.)

(He’d been ten, and she was twenty, and she bullied him like hell. She also taught him everything she could, and he will never stop being grateful to her for it.)

(Kakashi still isn’t sure that all of the techniques Tsume shared were things he’d have learned as a Hatake, but he keeps them cradled to his chest anyway. The skills are gifts, the knowledge is _precious,_ and he may not be an Inuzuka, but they invite him to all but their most insular celebrations. He’s not quite an honorary clan member, but he’s as close as Tsume could get him without stripping him of his name.)

Kakashi uses a shunshin to get back to the teenyboppers, who are mostly just standing and staring, because Shin is apparently like that with _everyone._

Polite. Friendly. Can’t carry a conversation worth a damn.

He lands with a hand on each shoulder. “I got permission from Tsume-san. Let’s go to, hm… the Yakiniku place!”

“We _just_ had ice cream, Kakashi-san,” Shin says. Is that irritation in his voice? Kakashi’s so proud, truly.

“Well I can’t just treat _you_ to food and not Hana-chan, especially when we’re asking for her help,” Kakashi tells him. “It’s only polite.”

“I could go for ice cream,” Hana pipes up.

Kakashi turns his eye to the sky as if looking for answers. None present themselves, so he sighs like he’s disappointed and turns to the gate. “Alright. Back to the ice cream place. No _variety,_ children.”

“Hatake, you once told me you ate nothing but ration bars for two weeks straight. While _in the village.”_

“Hana-chan, you shut your mouth.”

“Make me.”

\--

“So, do I get to know what this is all about now?” Hana asks, with two puppies in her lap and the last investigating Shin. Shin is, by this point, pretty used to Kakashi’s dogs, and has some idea of how to interact with canines. Kakashi keeps an eye on the whole situation anyway, just in case. The Haimaru triplets are pretty young, and not nearly as self-possessed as Kakashi’s pack.

All of them are sitting on the grass in a park, and Hana is attempting to lick a stray run of ice cream that’s melting down her knuckles.

Kakashi looks at Shin until the boy drops his head and says, “Kakashi-san thinks you can help me with something I am having trouble with.”

“Yeah?” Hana prompts.

Shin opens his mouth. Closes it. Shakes his head. Looks to Kakashi.

“You can do it,” Kakashi says, and is a little surprised by just how soft his voice comes out. Huh. Maybe he’s been spending more time with kids than he thought.

“I am… from Root,” Shin finally says, eyes focused on the ground. His free hand rips up grass as he speaks, and Kakashi isn’t entirely certain that he knows he’s doing it. “I was raised there. We were taught to remove all emotions and cut all connections. I formed a bond with a younger student nonetheless, and we grew to consider each other brothers. Had—had we not been rescued, Danzō-sama would have had us fight each other to the death to prove our loyalty and kill our remaining emotions and bonds.”

Hana looks stricken. Disgusted. Panicked, honestly. She looks at Kakashi with an expression that clearly says ‘and what the fuck am I supposed to do with _that?’_

Kakashi puts a finger to his lips and nods at Shin.

Shin takes a few more seconds to gather himself, and then says, “I know how to be a brother in Root. I knew what I needed to do there. I had to protect Sai, and show him I cared. I could share sweets that I gathered from missions to the outside world, or show him a better way to throw a kunai. But—but I don’t _need_ to protect him now. The teachers at the Academy are kinder, and our guardians provide for us all we could need or want, and… I don’t… I don’t know how to be a good brother. Not in this… not in this safer world. Not outside of Root. Everything I know, all my habits, they were specific to the situation, but the situation has _changed,_ and I don’t know what to do.”

Hana’s looking at him differently now, and Kakashi doesn’t know what she’s reading into the cheeks flushed red with anger or the resentment in his tone. Shin wants what’s best for Sai, and Kakashi’s not sure there’s ever been a time that he _hasn’t._

“Have you asked him?”

Shin looks up, meeting Hana’s eyes for the first time since he started talking. “What?”

Hana shrugs, and doesn’t meet Shin’s eyes. Her hands are lightly fisted in the thick fur of a Haimaru triplet; tight enough to ground herself, and loose enough to not hurt. “Well, you care about Sai a lot, right? You said that that’s the most important thing. So I guess the question then is, have you asked him what he wants from you?”

Shin’s brow furrows, and he looks down. “Is that what you do?”

“Sometimes,” Hana says. “Usually about specifics, like I’ll ask Kiba if he wants me to read over his homework for kanji mistakes or bad math. Sometimes he just runs up to me and starts wrestling, and that’s always pretty clear. Like… every kid is different, you know? Some kids hate being helped, because they think they’re being made fun of, and some don’t _need_ help, but want it anyway because it’s a sign that someone cares. You shouldn’t act with your siblings the way I do with Kiba, because they _aren’t_ Kiba. He’s a rough-and-tumble brat who can’t lie unless his life depends on it, and sometimes not even then. He’s not great at theory but he loves Taijutsu. His favorite chore is helping out with the new litters in the kennel, but he’s happy to do almost anything with the dogs, and likes it even more if I’m there to talk to him while he does it. What does Sai like?”

Kakashi waits, and thinks to himself that this was probably a good idea. Maybe not the _best_ idea, but he’s not good enough at people to know what the best idea would have been. This one’s pretty solid, though, so he’s going to count his winnings.

“Painting,” Shin says. “He was turning it into a jutsu, actually, but he enjoyed it just for the art, too. Mostly sumi-e.”

“That’s great!” Hana says, with the kind of encouraging smile that is too bright to be anything _but_ genuine. “What else?”

“He enjoyed tantō training,” Shin says, pouting a little as he thinks. “One time he made a comment about how he would like to be the one to design the future ANBU masks.”

“Favorite foods?”

Shin hesitated. “We’re still… experimenting. There wasn’t much variety with Root.”

That’s fair.

“Does he have a birthday coming up?” Hana presses.

“Er, yes, he’s turning eleven in November,” Shin says.

Kakashi rewinds time in his head, does the math, and realizes that yes, it is in fact almost the end of September, and Sai is turning eleven. Which means Naruto is almost nine. Which means Kakashi needs to figure out a gift, pronto.

Time flies when everything is ANBU missions.

“Are there any supplies or books he’d enjoy?” Hana asks. “On sumi-e, or maybe a travel journal, or a cool weapon? A type of fashion?”

“I don’t want to _buy_ his love,” Shin says.

“That’s not what I meant,” Hana scolds. She’s not even six months older than Shin, but she acts like it’s years. “Gifts on holidays have a lot of meaning. If you make it clear that you thought about what someone wants, and put effort into finding or _making_ something they’d love, then they know you care about them, because you know them well enough to make the right choice. You can spend time doing something together, like going out to try new sweets shops, since you said you’re trying to experiment with new flavors after this Root thing. Heck, just sparring is good for some kids. I know Ita… um. Anyway.”

She sags. “Listen, man, I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you that the fact that you’re this worried about it is already a good sign. You care enough to look for advice, care enough to _try._ And if you and Sai have been together for this long, then I’m sure he can sense that.”

Shin frowns at the ground, which seems to be a theme today. “He’s making friends. He might realize that I’m not that—hey!”

Hana pulls back from where she just flicked him in the forehead, something that sounded rather a lot like it stung. Kakashi’s glad his mask hides his face. The affront on Shin’s face is honestly funny, and Kakashi’s pretty sure that laughing would be inappropriate. Mean, even.

“Do _not_ stop people from having friends unless those friends are _bad for them,”_ Hana says firmly. “You aren’t a friend, you’re _family._ That’s a whole ‘nother level, okay? Nothing ever tops family, unless the family in question is shit, and you’re definitely _not_ shit.”

“Language,” Kakashi says mildly. Hana shoots him a disgusted look, which he knows is at least in part due to the fact that Tsume _definitely_ lets her curse.

“Besides,” Hana says regally, drawing herself up straight, to emphasize what little height she has while seated and covered in puppies. She is evidently ignoring Kakashi, which is delightfully cute. He wants to pat her on the head again, even if she’ll probably take a swipe at him for it. “You have a friend, too.”

The pursed lips are getting familiar. “Not really. Nobody at the Academy _dislikes_ me, but—”

“Me, you dummy,” Hana says, punching him in the shoulder. Shin rubs at it, and stares at her. She rolls her eyes. “Come on, we just, like, bared our _hearts_ to each other. That’s something _friends_ do. You’re stuck with me now!”

Kakashi can’t stifle the laugh completely.

At least Shin doesn’t look betrayed. He just looks… surprised.

“Okay,” he says, and his eyes drop to the ground again. This time, however, there’s the ghost of a smile on his face. “Friends. Thank you, Inuzuka-san.”

“Nope! Call me Hana! And skip the whole honorifics thing, we’re _buddies_ now.”

“Er… I can call you Hana-san?”

“No! Come on, at least do what Kakashi does and go with -chan, okay, we’re friends, there is _no place_ for -san when you’re _friends.”_

“I see, Hana-san.”

“Shin!”

Okay, yeah. This was a _great_ idea.


	5. He's Not a Friend, He's a Minion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, Kakashi should not be this worried about a ten-year-old girl's attempts at taking over [checks notes] everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If your association for the word 'minion' is yellow cyclops Things that may or may not be genetically modified corn, then you may find the final scene annoying, because Despicable Me. If your association for the word 'minion' is breathlessly watching the mad scientist you've pledged your time and loyalty to rant at the top of their lungs as lightning crashes in the background and they make a mockery of life and death and everything in between, then you'll probably enjoy it, because you're probably the kind of person that enjoys comics like Girl Genius, and knows the worth of a good Spark-Minion relationship.
> 
> Warnings: none for this chapter beyond Generic Ninja Threats

Kakashi has rarely, if ever, had reason to ‘thank his lucky stars.’ His stars just aren’t that lucky. He’s kind of sure they hate him. He’s prayed to a few gods he doesn’t really believe in now and again as thanks for getting out of some situation alive, but luck? Eh. Not something he really has.

That said, Kakashi sure is thanking his lucky stars he gets to witness the events of the day.

Kakashi picks up the kids from school sometimes. Occasionally, he accompanies one of the adult Uzumakis, and other times he just does it himself. The kids can get home alone _fine,_ but they light up whenever they see someone waiting for them, so Kakashi makes the effort.

(Shin gets spirited away by Hana about once a week, right as the bell rings, and Kakashi doesn’t even _try_ to stop her. Shin is Root, and Kakashi’s sparred against him. If Shin didn’t want to go with Hana, he wouldn’t be.)

(And no, societal rules wouldn’t stop him from doing that. Kakashi asked.)

The point is—the _point_ is, Kakashi is there to pick up the kids pretty regularly. If he’s in the village and not out on a mission, it’s a flip of the coin between showing up at the Academy and, say, sparring in a training ground with one of his not-part-of-the-Uzumaki-household friends.

Ultimately, it means that Kakashi sees a lot of the shenanigans that take place immediately after school. Naruto getting into brawls is a pretty common one, and the fact that those brawls are with Tsume’s kid more often than not means that there’s no irate civilian getting up in arms about the demon brat or whatever; it’s just two clan kids roughhousing. Karin getting into shouting matches is a little less often, but that _does_ tend to involve civilian kids, and that’s… mostly just a pain in the ass. Sai has caused an afterschool incident exactly once, when he tried to give someone a nickname and managed to get slapped for it.

Sakura had used the incident to institute a new rule: no usage of nicknames until he’d run it past her in case it was accidentally offensive.

Kanna had immediately stated that the exception was if the person was a jerk, and deserved to be insulted, in which case ‘go right ahead and give ‘em hell, kid.’

Kakashi was not helpful, because when Sai turned to him, Kakashi had just shrugged and told him that he’d never had friends in the Academy anyway, and so hadn’t bothered with nicknames _unless_ he was being insulting, so this was out of his range of expertise.

Sakura regularly despairs at all of them, but it’s fine. She and Naruto have enough gregarious, friend-making energy for the entire family.

(Kakashi isn’t _technically_ part of the family, but he and Naruto would have grown up as brothers, in another life, so… he lets himself pretend. Nobody calls him out on it, except Kurenai, but that’s her job.)

Nothing, though, compares to today.

None of the brawls or shouting or awkward declarations will ever compare to today.

Because today, _someone manages to make Kanna speechless._

Kakashi hangs back when it happens, mostly because Tsume’s a few meters away, and he’s realized how much he misses her these past few months. Seeing her regularly, both because of the whole Shin-and-Hana situation, and the Kiba-and-Naruto friendship, has him regularly gravitating over and just chatting. About anything and everything. It’s nice. Calming.

So Kakashi is close enough to see but not close enough to interfere when a pint-sized Aburame and Yamanaka march up to Kanna and hand her a bouquet that’s almost as big as they are.

Kanna looks down at the flowers that are now, somehow, in her hands, and then at the kids. “Eh?”

The Yamanaka lifts her chin, prideful and most likely a little overconfident. “My daddy says you’re the main reason we got my cousin back, so thanks!”

Kanna makes an odd little noise, glances down at the bouquet again, and then over at the Aburame.

He takes half a step behind the Yamanaka and then seems to think better of it. Kakashi’s sure he’d be hearing nervous buzzing if he were any closer. “My cousin Torune and I grew up as brothers. My father adopted him after Torune’s father died. Danzō took him into Root, and I never expected to see him return to our family, but he is back now. He is different, but I have been informed that you are to thank for the fact that we have him back at all. For this reason, Ino-san and I decided that we need to thank you properly for returning our families to us.”

Kanna continues to stare at them. “Wh…”

She looks to Kakashi almost desperately, like this is somehow uncharted territory. He eye-smiles and gives her a cheery thumbs up. He can _feel_ Tsume choking on her laughter behind him.

Turning back to the kids, Kanna says, “Y-you’re welcome. Thank you for the flowers. I’m afraid it’s been quite some time since I studied ikebana, but I’m sure Sakura will be able to—”

“I can explain them!” Ino insists, and starts dragging Kanna over to a bench on the side. Kanna still looks completely bewildered, the poor woman. Kakashi vaguely notes Ino giving Karin a sharp nod as they pass that particular little knot of children, and the smirk that Karin sends back is… uh.

Kakashi really, _really_ doesn’t want to know about Academy social politics. Whatever Karin is doing is _not his problem._

It’s Kanna’s problem, and possibly Inoichi’s problem, and _definitely_ the Academy teachers’ problem.

Kakashi is none of these people, so Karin’s weird machinations are Not. His. Problem.

“Do you think anyone’s ever thanked her like that before?” Tsume asks, and while the laugh isn’t gone from her eyes, there’s something wistful in it too.

Kakashi’s pretty sure nobody has. Kanna wasn’t lying, back when she said she wasn’t actually all that great with kids, but she’s pushing through. She’s trying. She’s letting Ino explain the flowers. Shino tugs his father over so the adults can thank her personally now that the kids have done what they set out to do, and Kakashi watches as Kanna draws herself back up and blusters a bit. There’s a blush on her face.

Dammit, she’s _cute._

Kakashi closes his eyes, breathes out slowly, and shakes his head.

“She’s married,” Tsume says, so quiet that nobody else can hear.

“I know, so _nothing_ is going to happen,” Kakashi says, turning away for a second. “It’s just a momentary… things happen. I have other options. I’ll get it out of my system.”

Tsume looks at him, and it’s more worried than disapproving. “You know her too well for feelings to just go away.”

“She’s a _friend,_ Tsume-san,” Kakashi hisses. “It was an impulsive thought from nowhere. I’m not going to barge into a stable, loving relationship, especially not when there’s that many kids involved. Not when…”

Naruto.

Kakashi’s not a homewrecker unless a mission calls for it. He would _never._ More importantly, though, Kakashi is not, under _any_ circumstances, going to ruin the first good thing Naruto has had in his life.

“You seem closer to Sakura, is—”

“Can we please not have this conversation _here?”_ Kakashi begs. “Yes, a few times, it’s happened, and I go away and find a bar and _deal with it,_ or take a mission out of the village if that doesn’t work. They’re friends, and I’m not… I’m not going to throw that away just because my body is being _stupid.”_

A hand lands on his shoulder, and Kakashi realizes he’d managed to start staring at the ground at some point, avoiding Tsume’s gaze. He looks up, and she gives him the kind of sad smile that Minato gave him sometimes, and yanks him into a hug. “You’re a good kid, Hatake.”

“I’m _twenty-three,”_ Kakashi complains, but doesn’t try to pull away from the hug until at least fifteen seconds have passed. “Can you let go now? I want to go back to laughing at Kanna not knowing how to handle gratitude from strangers.”

Tsume steps back and cuffs him over the head. “Get your head outta your ass, Hatake.”

“You just hate me, don’t you.”

“Meh. I’ve had worse apprentices.”

“I was _not—”_

\--

He gets the story later, in bits and pieces. Sai is the one that tells it, in a quiet voice that speaks more to how calming he finds the kneading of dough than it does to anything else. Baking has never been one of Kakashi’s favorite hobbies, but he understands how soothing a repetitive motion like this can be. Sakura had asked them to make the bread while she made some stew, and it wasn’t like they had anything better to do.

“Shino was very happy that Torune returned to the Aburame clan,” Sai reports. “Torune was part of Root, and he trained with Shin sometimes. They are about the same age. Torune was close to Yamanaka Fuu, even though Danzō-sama said we should not form attachments. They are from clans, so they did not get conditioned as quickly.”

Kakashi nods, and then sprinkles a bit more flour on the table, because the dough is _way_ too sticky. “Go on.”

“Shino wanted to say thank you to the person who saved his cousin, because they grew up as brothers, before Torune was taken by Danzō-sama. Aburame Shibi did not know who was responsible, so Shino spoke with Yamanaka Ino. He knew that Torune and Fuu still often spend time together, and that Fuu was also in Root before, so he thought that Ino might want to say thank you as well. Ino talked to her father, since he is a major player in Intelligence, and he told Ino that it was mostly Kanna-san, because it is not a classified secret.”

It maybe should be, but Kakashi’s not going to address that. “And then?”

“Shino and Ino decided that they needed to give Kanna-san a bouquet to say thank you, but they needed to know how to give it to her. Inoichi-sama did not give them our home address, because that is illegal, especially for reasons like this. Ino decided she needed to ask someone that lives in this house. She knows Naruto best, but he is bad at keeping secrets, and Shin is old enough that I think she finds him intimidating. She came to me and Karin-nee, and asked what days Kanna-san would be coming by to pick us up. She then prepared the bouquet the morning before, and arranged for Shibi-sama to bring it with him when he came to pick up Shino, so they could present it as if it were fresh.”

“It was a good plan,” Kakashi says. “I think that bun is done, let’s move on to the next one.”

“Okay, Kakashi-san,” Sai agrees easily. “Is there anything else you would like to know?”

“No, I’m satisfied,” Kakashi said. “You’re good at this sort of thing. Not quite storytelling, I think, but the reporting itself. I don’t want to say like mission reports, but… hm. You know how to present information in a way that makes everything build on itself, and keep a coherent narrative and timeline. I think you’d be a good tutor, if you wanted to try it out. History, maybe.”

Sai blinks up at him with too-big, too-dark eyes, and then looks back down at his bread. “I see.”

Kakashi doesn’t pat him on the shoulder, because his hands are covered in flour, and that would just add to the mess they’re already courting. “Think on it. No pressure.”

“Hai, Kakashi-san.”

\--

For all that Kakashi cares about the other kids—and he does, really, almost despite himself—Naruto is still his favorite.

He understands Sai and Shin in ways that the kunoichi can’t, and Karin is honestly a little unnerving to spend time around, but Naruto is the favorite.

Naruto… does not know this, technically. Kakashi doesn’t show it much. The problem is, well, Kakashi and Naruto don’t have a lot in common. For all that Kakashi complained before about not being able to carry a conversation with Shin, there’s at least a common base there. Sai is as emotionally incompetent as Kakashi, and Shin is apparently looking up to him for advice, and Karin is exactly the kind of little girl that spends her days scheming. He gets that.

Meanwhile, Naruto is a lot like Obito, and Kakashi had _never_ been able to understand Obito. Naruto is full of energy, and pranks, and sometimes glitter. He’s not particularly competent right now, but he’s also entirely willing to spend literal days working on a new technique if he’s given even a modicum of genuine encouragement. Naruto is a lot like Kushina, for all that he got Minato’s coloring, and when Naruto decides it’s time to do Something Weird, then Konoha is going to get introduced to Something Weird.

Kakashi doesn’t know how a nine-year-old managed to cover the entire Hokage monument in rainbow paint, but it sure did happen.

As amusing as it is, and it _really_ is, Kakashi’s left in the unexpected but technically understandable position of ‘the closest thing available to Naruto’s legal guardian.’

Kanna is out on a highly-classified mission that involves at least three A-rank nukenin and a need for her sensor skills. Sakura is three hours into an eight hour operation. Jiraiya is a giant redacted stamp.

So… they turn to Kakashi.

“Kid, what?” Kakashi finally decides on.

“Karin said it was the, uh, queer flag! In Kumo, mostly, but it’s been going _everywhere!_ And I though Kanna-aneki and Sakura-nee would be happy if they saw it!”

“Did Karin _tell_ you to do this?”

“No, but she didn’t tell me _not_ to, either.”

“Where is she?”

“I think she said she had to go wage war against the girls in class 6-B.”

Wow, that is. What.

“Is Sai with her?”

“Probably.”

“And Shin?”

“Shino and Ino showed up with their cousins and Ino told them to be friends with him.”

That’s somehow _still_ far less worrying than Karin’s apparently plans to take over the Academy.

Not Kakashi’s problem. _Not Kakashi’s problem._

“Okay, look,” Kakashi says, trying to figure out the best way to put this. “You had good intentions. _Great_ intentions. But the Hokage Monument is public property, and that means that changes, even just temporary cosmetic ones, need to go through approval processes before being enacted.”

Naruto pouts, because Naruto is in fact _nine_ and was just trying to do something nice. Also probably having fun pranking, but still. Kakashi sighs and goes down to one knee and puts a hand on Naruto’s shoulder. “Look, you’re going to have to clean this up, because a lot of people are annoyed that it’s messing with the look of the Hokage Monument. Something about shadows and lighting? I don’t know, I don’t even have depth perception, so whatever.”

He’s met with a laugh at that, and Naruto wipes an eye that isn’t _quite_ tearing up, but will probably be there soon. “It’s gonna go away with the rain anyway. It’s, uh, water-soluble stuff? Iruka-sensei yelled at me for getting permanent paint on something once and told me that whenever I do something, _someone_ has to spend time cleaning it up, and then that’s just me being mean to people I don’t even know, since the people that clean it up usually aren’t the people who were mean to _me.”_

Oh hey. That’s good. “Do you like Iruka-sensei? And trust his judgement?”

“Yeah! Iruka-sensei’s the _best!”_ Naruto says, and the fire in his eyes is honestly almost worrying. The kid definitely has strong feelings on this.

“Okay, so, I’m glad you’re keeping long-term consequences in mind,” Kakashi says. “That’s a good thing. _But,_ you still need to remember that people are going to be upset. What if you woke up one morning and someone had written ‘ramen sucks’ on the monument?”

“But ramen’s the _best!”_ Naruto says, clearly horrified.

“I thought Iruka was the best,” Kakashi counters, and then laughs when Naruto growls at him. “No, I know, but do you see what I mean? I approve of the message you were trying to put up, but not everyone like rainbows, or the way you paint, or just… color in general. Some people _really_ like monochrome.”

“So… no more painting,” Naruto grumbles.

“On public property, or on private, non-Uzumaki property,” Kakashi corrects. “Not without permission. You can paint as much as you want on paper, and I’m sure Sai would give you lessons if you asked, but public works are another matter, _even if_ the rain is going to take it down, okay?”

“But rainbows _are_ pretty,” Naruto mutters, and Kakashi just… can’t help it. He’s allowed to be friendly to Naruto. He’s _allowed._ So he pulls Naruto into a hug like he’d spent over eight years wishing he could, and even the fact that he’s had nearly a year to get used to being _able_ to do this doesn’t make him any less relieved that it’s an option.

He only holds the hug for a few seconds, because Naruto is squirmy as hell, and then swings the kid up onto his shoulders. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” Kakashi tells him, and he can’t quite remember where he heard it, except he’s pretty sure that’s _also_ from somewhere in Lighting Country.

Naruto leans forward to look at Kakashi in the eye, which almost unbalances him for a moment. “Why do I need to hold a bee?”

“Uh—”

“I could go find Shino!”

“No, no, that’s not—no,” Kakashi hurries to tell him. “Beholder means… viewer, basically. It means that everyone sees things differently, so not everyone thinks the same things are beautiful.”

“Oh, okay,” Naruto says. “So… like how the girls in my class think that Uchiha guy is cute, but I don’t understand why?”

“Yes,” Kakashi says, relieved. “Just like that.”

“So we don’t need Shino.”

“No, we don’t. What we _do_ need is to go to the Hokage and apologize for painting his giant face.”

“But—”

“Naruto. You _like_ the old man. Just apologize and explain that the paint is going to wash off.”

“…kay.”

\--

So… it goes like this:

Kakashi is not necessarily _friends_ with Anko, but that’s mostly because Kakashi is barely friends with _anyone._ Anko is also a little younger than him, and so Kakashi’s attempts to make friends just don’t extend in her direction as naturally. Kakashi has a handful of people, most obviously Gai, and then Kurenai and Asuma and Yamato, and more recently the Uzumaki ladies. He’s on decent terms with Anko, in much the same way that he’s on decent terms with Genma or Raidō or Ibiki. Anko’s an acquaintance that Kakashi has no ill will towards, but has never really taken the time to get to know; the most interaction they’ve had that wasn’t mission-related comes down to ending up on the same team at a bar trivia night a few times, because Kurenai invited her and the two of them had grabbed Kakashi to complete their team.

So Kakashi doesn’t really have a great theory on why she’s apparently been haunting R&D.

He has a thought, maybe even an idea, but most of it revolves around, like, trauma.

When Kakashi slips into R&D, having been gently bullied by Sakura into bringing Kanna her lunch, he finds Anko sitting on the work desk, legs swinging idly. There is dango in her hands.

Kakashi tries to remember for a moment if this is the room where food is allowed because they mostly just do math and typing, or if this is one of the many rooms where Kanna will gut someone for bringing anything more than a bottle of water.

Going by the unimpressed, but calm, expression on Kanna’s face and the general lack of complicated science equipment beyond some large computers, Kakashi’s going to assume it’s the safe room.

“Yo, Kakashi!” Anko crows, and waves enthusiastically. “The heck are you doing here?”

Anko is freshly twenty-one, and Kakashi’s pretty sure the cheer on her face is a distinct attempt to make people stop looking at her like she’s about to… turn into a snake and slither off to Orochimaru, probably.

Not that Anko _wouldn’t_ turn into a snake if she could, because Kakashi’s pretty sure she’d think that kind of power is awesome, but the whole Orochimaru situation is really kind of _not great_ for her, so… happy mask.

Naruto did something similar, before a very specific redhead and her wife showed up.

“Maa, Sakura-chan told me I had to bring Kanna her lunch,” Kakashi explains. He holds up the wrapped bento. There’s a flower tucked into the knot, and he can spot a little folded paper just inside the fabric. “Apparently _someone_ forgot it in her rush to get out this morning.”

Kanna looks up from her lab report, one eyebrow going up in a way that is far more familiar than it maybe should be. “And you’re the one bringing it because…?”

Kakashi shrugs. “I’m sure your guess is as good as mine, Kanna-san.”

Anko looks back and forth between the two of them, and then opens her mouth and asks a question that Kakashi _really_ wishes he could just cram right back in, and pretend it was never asked. “So, like, is Kakashi dating you guys, or…?”

Kakashi cannot answer that question without making strangled noises, so he just focuses on _not_ showing any expression on his one visible eye. Kanna can probably feel his panic, but if he’s very lucky, she’ll ascribe it to just, like, fear of _her_ or something.

“We swore off emotionally stunted geniuses after the last incident,” Kanna says, and then pokes Anko with a pen. “I need to spread these charts out, _move.”_

“What was the last incident?” Anko asks, not moving in the slightest.

“He died,” Kanna says flatly. “Girl, _move.”_

Anko wiggles over a few inches, which isn’t _nearly_ enough and the shit-eating grin says she knows it. “How’d he die?”

“Ribcage torn open by a megalomaniac, now _get off my desk, Mitarashi,”_ Kanna snaps. There is more emotion in her voice about the desk than there is about the megalomaniac.

“Didja get revenge?” Anko presses, because either they know each other better than Kakashi thought, and she’s comfortable asking these questions, or she’s playing a game where the only thing saving her is the fact that Kanna cannot _legally_ kill her.

“I’m working on it,” Kanna tells her. “Get off my desk.”

“Do I know the—hey, hey, no kunai!”

“I told you to get off my damn desk, Anko. Kunai are consequences.”

“But you _love_ me!”

Kanna scoffs, and then turns to Kakashi. “Can you get this kid out of here?”

“I’m only three years younger than you,” Anko whines, attempting to drape herself over Kanna’s shoulders. Kanna sidesteps and lets her miss.

“I was kind of waiting to see if stabbing happened,” Kakashi admits. “Seemed like a really dangerous line of questioning.”

Kanna rolls her eyes. “Trust me, if she was getting _that_ deep, there’d have been warning.”

“Like?”

A flash of killing intent snaps across the room for a bare second, and it’s the kind that’s full of rage and pain and not _sadism_ so much as schadenfreude. There are a dozen data crunchers in the room. Most of them are sweating and frozen, even after Kanna pulls it all back in and boxes it up where she hides those emotions when she isn’t using them. Anko’s grinning like it’s the best day of her life.

She blinks at him, and adjusts her glasses. “Like that.”

“Ooooh,” Anko coos. “Kitty’s got _claws.”_

“Bitch, please. I’m a vixen,” Kanna scoffs. “Now get the hell out of my lab, I’ve got work to do and you’ve been bothering me for _half an hour,_ Anko.”

“Okay, but imagine how boring that half hour would have been without me, though.”

Kanna meets Kakashi’s eyes and gestures in a way that is almost helpless. “Hatake. Please.”

Kakashi takes pity on her and gets Anko out of there.

\--

There are supposed to be four kids in the Uzumaki house. Sometimes, one of them will bring over a friend. Naruto has a few that he plays with when he has time or skips class—something he’s been doing a hell of a lot less of, recently, but he still runs with the same gang—and Karin and Sai have TenTen over sometimes. Hana barges in whether Shin asks her to or not.

Currently, there are three kids in the Uzumaki house. Karin, who’s been here since it _became_ the Uzumaki house, and Sai, who basically never leaves Karin’s side unless he’s with Shin, are expected.

Uchiha Sasuke is not.

“Well, you’re new,” Kakashi says, after several moments where he and Sasuke just stare at each other. Kakashi had honestly just been coming over to have some coffee with people his own age and gossip a bit. He had not expected more Tiny Bundles Of Regret Reminders than the usual.

Kakashi bites his lip behind his mask, and then looks over to Kanna and Sakura. Sakura, for her part, looks like she’s ready to burst into laughter, and doesn’t meet his eyes. Kanna looks like she’s dying, or at least significantly grumpier than usual.

“You’re in Naruto’s class, right?” Kakashi asks.

“Yes,” Sasuke says. “You’re… a Jounin?”

“Yeah,” Kakashi says. “So… you’re friends with Karin?”

“I’m—”

“He’s my minion,” Karin says, cutting him off.

A stifled snort escapes Sakura, and Kakashi doesn’t need to look over to know she’s just clapped a hand over her mouth.

“Your minion,” Kakashi repeats.

Karin grins, like a shark smelling blood. “Yeah. My minion.”

Kakashi looks to Sai, who smiles blankly, and then to Sasuke, who looks… resigned. “Did Sasuke… _agree_ to being a minion?”

“Or something,” Karin says, which isn’t an answer, and the smirk on her face shows that she _absolutely_ knows this.

Kanna groans in a way that only a deeply embarrassed parent or older sibling can.

Kakashi turns to Sasuke, “Is she pressuring you into this?”

“Um,” Sasuke says, glancing at Karin, and then back to Kakashi. He draws himself up a little straighter. “It’s not the term I would have picked, but I can live with it.”

Huh.

“And how did…” he gestures between them, _“this_ happen?”

“Kanna didn’t want him so I took him off her hands,” Karin says, and Kanna hisses in frustration. Sakura is giggling so hard that Kakashi’s afraid she’s going to fall off her chair soon. He doesn’t look back at them.

“He’s not a pet, Karin-chan,” Kakashi says. He’s still not sure what’s going on, but nobody’s all that upset, so…

“Well, _duh,_ he’s a _minion,”_ Karin insists, and Sakura’s giggling reaches new heights. Kakashi’s not sure how she’s breathing. “Aneki has minions, so why can’t I?”

Kakashi’s not sure that explaining how village-based departments function internally is going to do anything other than waste time. He’s pretty sure Karin doesn’t actually care.

“I spoke with Kanna-san the other day, and she mentioned that fuuinjutsu is often an unexpected trump card that would come in useful if I’m actually planning on fighting S-rank nukenin, and… demonstrated,” Sasuke says, apparently tired of Karin’s bullshit answers. “I asked her to teach me, and she said no. I asked Karin if she had any advice, since she’s the reason I spoke Kanna-san in the first place, and Karin said she could tutor me if I helped her out in return.”

“Helped her out with _what?”_ Kakashi asks, because he knows there’s scheming afoot.

“Taijutsu, mostly,” Sasuke says, which—okay. That’s better than Kakashi expected. “And research at the library when she needs an extra set of eyes.”

“And that would be the minion-ing,” Kakashi says.

Sasuke shrugs, and looks away. “It wasn’t the original agreement, but…”

“Some girls in the class below, all of whom like Sasuke in a romantic manner, attempted to enforce distance between the two,” Sai says, and Kakashi wonders if this is another of those ‘thank your lucky stars’ moment. “They accused Karin of attempting to make Sasuke her boyfriend. The partnership had not yet been defined at that point, and Karin laughed at them for suggesting it. She informed them that,” and his voice takes on a very slightly higher pitch as he quotes, “‘Sasuke is not my boyfriend. He’s my minion.’ I believe Sasuke panicked at the thought of the potential fallout of constant interruptions to the tutoring sessions, and loudly agreed with her. Karin has since decided to ‘run with it,’ as it were. I think she finds it amusing.”

“Heck yeah I do,” Karin agrees. “I get a _minion._ How cool is _that?”_

Kakashi looks at Sasuke again, who just shrugs in a way that’s more helpless than anything, and then turns to look at Kanna and Sakura.

“This entire situation is giving me a headache,” Kanna tells him. “I hate _everything.”_

“Ignore her,” Sakura manages through her laughter. “It’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in my _life.”_

Yeah. That… that about sounds right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all know EXACTLY why Kanna and Sakura are reacting the way they are.


	6. Suit Up, Bitch, We're Going to Suna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's nice to just NOT be in charge sometimes.
> 
> Granted, that means he doesn't understand half of what's going on, but still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: shinobi-typical Friendly Violence and Threats, discussion of past canon traumas (Karin's multiple stabbings), and glossed-over political nonsense

One fine morning, he steps into the Hokage tower, and a mission scroll hits his chest at terminal velocity.

He catches it as it falls down, rubs a little at his poor, abused Jounin vest—okay, so it wasn’t thrown _that_ hard—and looks up to see Kanna grinning at him in a way he last saw on _Karin’s_ face while explaining how she gained a minion.

“Suit up, bitch, we’re going to Suna.”

Wait what?

He checks the mission scroll.

The mission scroll is blank.

He looks up to see that Kanna’s still grinning, _like an asshole,_ and standing there with her hands on her hips.

“So… what’s _actually_ going on?” He asks.

“Oh no, we’re absolutely going to Suna,” Kanna tells him. “I just wanted to throw something at you.”

_“Why?”_

“Because I’m bored and nobody will spar with me,” she tells him without missing a beat. She jerks her head towards the stairs. “C’mon, everyone else is already upstairs.”

“How many people is ‘everyone?’” Kakashi asks, cautiously following her up. “And why not _send for me_ instead of just randomly hoping I’ll come in when you’re already here?”

“Sensor.”

“That _cannot_ be your answer for everything.”

“Sure it can,” she dismisses. “You were due to come in for a mission anyway, and most of the people who were needed for this were already in the building. All I did was give them a heads up when you were finally on your way.”

“That’s not _fair,”_ Kakashi argues, because he feels a tad like being childish and petulant.

“What, you wanna argue about _fair_ after the lives we’ve lived?” Kanna scoffs. “Jackass.”

“I don’t see how that makes me a jackass,” Kakashi points out. It’s not even petty. “My life wasn’t all that pretty either, and I’m pretty sure _some_ people would say something about how playing the misery tournament solves nothing and only encourages us to downplay or romanticize our own suffering in ways that are harmful to our long term growth.”

“Oh good, you’ve been going to therapy,” Kanna remarks. “Sakura’ll be pleased.”

Kakashi pouts behind his mask. It doesn’t matter that Kanna can’t see it. He still does.

She opens the doors to the Hokage’s office, grinning brightly, and gestures him in.

He pauses, looks her up and down, and says, “I don’t trust you.”

“I mean, that’s probably better for your continued survival,” Kanna says. She follows him into the room, hands tucked behind her and while she’s standing on his blind side, he can _feel_ the smugness coming off her in waves.

He knows about half the people here personally, and the other half he at least recognizes. Genma’s here, and Tenzō. Akimichi Chōza isn’t someone Kakashi spends a lot of time with, but he can name a few neutral-to-pleasant conversations they’ve had. Kanna is… Kanna. There’s a career Chuunin that works the missions desk sometimes, late-thirties and going grey at the temples, Miya-something. A kunoichi from a minor clan, blonde hair, maybe early thirties? Kakashi thinks she’s a Tokubetsu Jounin, but he can’t remember ever speaking with her. Another kunoichi, this one a Chuunin, and Kakashi’s pretty sure she’s a Sarutobi; he remembers talking with her a bit at Asuma’s twentieth birthday party.

The Sandaime gives them a few seconds to size each other up and get an idea of what they’re working with, and then says, “This team has been handpicked for a diplomatic trip to Suna.”

Wow, that is a _terrible_ idea.

Kakashi doesn’t say it, but he can feel at least two sets of eyes on him.

Why would they send _the son of the White Fang_ to Suna?

Why would anyone think this is a good idea?

“Hokage-sama,” Chōza says, after a few seconds make it clear that elaboration isn’t coming. “Is such a large team really required? Suna is an ally, and it’s peacetime. Is a team of eight not an aggressive move?”

“Normally, yes,” the Sandaime says. “Unfortunately, there are multiple angles to this trip. Kimiko-san, if you may?”

The Sarutobi girl steps forward and turns around sharply to face them. Ah, right, she’s with Intelligence. “Suna’s economic status has been faltering recently, as their Daimyou pushes more missions to other villages and independent operators. Their current state puts them in a vulnerable enough condition that they may take opportunities to ally with someone _other_ than Konoha and turn on us if they believe it will help them bolster their village.

“Recent intelligence suggests that Orochimaru of the Densetsu no Sannin has been making moves to propose such an alliance following his recent expulsion from the criminal group Akatsuki. We believe that he has several spies in Suna, and likely in Konoha as well. He has motive to encourage Sunagakure to turn on the alliance, and previous actions by Orochimaru have demonstrated his skill at manipulation of both individuals and organizations. Given that the Daimyou of Wind may have been choosing to outsource their higher-ranking missions to Akatsuki, Orochimaru’s knowledge of the organization may be used as leverage in negotiations, especially as we have received word that he was formerly partnered to Akasuna no Sasori.

“While Konoha’s army is no doubt more robust than Suna’s, we must acknowledge that Orochimaru’s knowledge of our village, especially given his part in building many of our defenses, leaves us at a higher risk than is usual. To that end, the Intelligence department has worked with Hokage-sama to develop a series of trade deals and offers that may benefit both Konoha and Suna, and dissuade our allies from turning on us in favor of a new participant. While half of the team will be engaged in standard negotiation, we plan for the remaining half to negotiate with individual departments.”

She returns to her place in the row, and Kakashi wonders how and _when_ all this information had come in. Was it from the fallout with Danzō? Had Jiraiya come across a particularly juicy contact? Was there a traitor in Orochimaru’s ranks?

Whatever the case, Kimiko has more than outlined why this trip is so important.

Still. Son of the White Fang. Kakashi’s job is not to question the Hokage, but he really, really wants to right now.

“There are dossiers and priority reports waiting for you in meeting room 3B,” the Hokage tells them. “Several of you have additional mission objectives. The commanding officer is Akimichi-san. You have two hours to read, discuss, and plan. We will reconvene at that time, at which point you may ask for clarification on any concerning or vague points. This is a _very_ important mission, and I request that you all take it as seriously as it deserves.”

Kakashi still wants to ask who thought sending him to Suna was a good idea.

“Dismissed.”

\--

“Isn’t Suna the exact opposite of those air-conditioned labs you’re so fond of?” Kakashi asks.

Kanna shrugs. “I got shit to do.”

Which, like, _yeah._

_Fair._

But also, he kind of wants to know why she’s on this mission. He can guess, but still.

“I have no idea why I’m on this mission,” Kakashi admits, once they’re all seated and the privacy seals are in place. “Half of Suna might try to kill me on sight.”

“It’s because you’re going to steal all their women with your mysterious aura of attraction,” Kanna tells him.

“Uh, no.”

She elbows him and grabs a wrapped candy from the center of the table. Nobody ever takes the wrapped candies, except civilians. Everyone’s too worried about poison.

Kanna is not worried about poison.

“So…” Kakashi drawls. “You’re going to be talking to their R&D team, I’m guessing?”

“What makes you so sure I’m not on the main team?”

“Kanna, I greatly appreciate your presence in my life, but I have seen you talk to Hokage-sama the way you talk to your lab assistants. I would _not_ trust you with a diplomatic trip to speak with the Kazekage.”

She punches him in the arm. “Rude.”

_“True.”_

“You kids done?” Genma asks drily, and Kakashi does not let himself look like an errant genin. “Kakashi, you’re on this mission as a deterrent. If anyone asks, you and Tenzō are in the team primarily as guards for Chōza.”

Kakashi looks at Chōza, the man who was a Jounin with an international reputation before Kakashi was even born.

Well. Even the Hokage brings guards.

“It also says here, quite explicitly, that you’re there to stop Uzumaki-san from causing an international incident,” Chōza says, and Kakashi immediately looks over at Kanna.

She snorts and tilts her chair back onto two legs. “He can’t control me.”

Kakashi points at Kanna and turns to look at Chōza. “I can’t control her.”

“Hokage-sama is sure you’ll figure something out,” Chōza says, which is rather pointedly not a glowing recommendation of his own. The Hokage thinks Kakashi will figure something out. Chōza does not.

“Um,” Tenzō says, raising a hand like they’re back in ANBU and need to make it clear who’s speaking since the masks hide everything. “What… what is the redacted additional mission?”

Kimiko looks over, frowning. “There shouldn’t be any redacted missions for you. We’d hoped to include the greenhouses in the trip and offer Suna a way to—”

“No, it’s—” Chōza cuts himself off, and the look on his face is pale. He abruptly stands. “Uzumaki, Tenzō, can I speak with you in the anteroom?”

Kanna drops her chair onto all four legs and stands up. She doesn’t look surprised. “Oh, we’re doing this now?”

“Doing _what_ now?” Miyamoto asks. Kakashi checks his page. Oh right, admin at the Academy.

“It’s _redacted,”_ Kanna says, and it’s almost a coo. Kakashi wants to remind her that nobody here is a direct subordinate of hers, and he’s pretty sure he’s the only friend she’s got in the room. He’s not entirely sure she’d listen.

The anteroom is hidden behind a privacy seal, one of Kanna’s own, and Kakashi waits. He reads the pages in his file, and doesn’t talk to anyone. Genma catches his eye at one point, jerks his head at the door and raises an eyebrow, but Kakashi just shrugs.

There are a handful of things that Tenzō and Kanna would both be needed for. If they’re lucky, it’s tracking down and neutralizing a particularly dangerous nukenin, except Kakashi would be on that team if it were. If Tenzō’s unlucky, then it’s to demonstrate just why allying with Orochimaru would be a bad idea, sacrificing his mental health in order to recount the horrors of the labs.

If they’re _all_ unlucky… well, Kakashi knows what Mokuton and chakra chains are good for.

Kakashi thinks that, given how sick Chōza looks as the three reenter the room, it’s probably that last one. Tenzō’s expression is wooden, pun entirely intended.

Kanna just looks bored.

(Kakashi wants to laugh hysterically for a moment, because of _course_ their own Jinchuuriki’s cousin knows what to do. Of course Kanna’s ready for this. She’s probably studied Jinchuuriki seals ever since Naruto came to live with her. Of _course_ she’s ready for any Jinchuuriki issues.)

_(Fuck.)_

\--

The first time Kakashi sees Kanna’s torso, it’s at a mixed-gender hot springs a few towns before they leave Fire Country.

It’s one of the ones that requires bathing suits for use of the springs, but Kakashi figures that’s not that uncommon for the kinds that don’t separate by gender. Usually he can find those a bit further north, closer to Lightning or Earth, but it’s not so uncommon as to be a surprise.

The thing is, Kakashi _knows_ Kanna by now. She’s got her secrets, plenty of them, but Kakashi likes to think that he knows her better than most of Konoha. Not the best, of course, because Sakura _exists,_ but he knows Kanna.

He’s never seen her without a shirt that covers _everything._

Kanna doesn’t wear short sleeves. She doesn’t wear low necklines. She doesn’t do cropped hems. Kanna covers her torso and arms and a bit of her neck, and it’s just one of those things. A lot of kunoichi are like that, for a whole variety or reasons.

As Kakashi stares in mild, hopefully hidden horror, Kanna settles into the same spring as him and leans back, closing her eyes and sighing.

Kakashi is not the only member of their team in the hot springs.

Nobody… _asks,_ really. Not immediately. Kakashi tries to lean back and close his visible eye, relaxing instead of staring. He’s pretty sure Genma and Tenzō’s slightly-too-loud conversation about favorite senbon brands is an attempt to distract themselves. Chōza is a married man and, to the best of Kakashi’s knowledge, has had his back turned the entire time. The others, he’s not sure about.

“Hiroshi,” Kanna’s voice interrupts Genma and Tenzō’s conversation, bringing a quiet down on the little set of springs. Kakashi opens his eye, and sees that she’s still got her own closed. “Kimiko. I can fucking _feel_ you staring.”

Kimiko swears quietly, and Miyamoto Hiroshi makes the executive decision to ask the question that everyone is avoiding. They’re avoiding it for good reason.

“But _how_ did—”

“Shut up,” Kanna says. She does not open her eyes. She points to the smaller of two massive scars. “The guy I was in love with stabbed through me to get revenge on an ancient dirtbag.”

Kakashi’s brain stalls out.

She points to the bigger one. “Loyal follower to a megalomaniac stabbed me with… well, it’s not important what it was, just that you know it was about the width of my goddamn head.”

Kakashi’s brain stalls out _harder._

“Okay,” Miyamoto says, because he apparently has no self-preservation. “Um, I mean, what I actually wanted to ask was how you survived.”

“I’m really, really bad at dying,” Kanna says. She opens her eyes and lifts her head, and stares straight at the man as she says, “And if you ask another question, we’ll see if you’re as bad at it as I am.”

Hiroshi doesn’t say anything else. Kakashi can’t see him, but he imagines the man looks terrified. Nobody else is talking either.

Kakashi’s mouth moves before he thinks. “If you can see anything at all.”

Kanna faces him, and the question is… not a question. “What.”

“I mean, you left your glasses in the locker room,” Kakashi tries to explain. “I’ve seen your prescription. You’re the other kind of half blind. I can’t see out of half my face without dying, and you can’t see out of either eye without walking into a wall.”

“You know, it’s times like these I wish I had the Hozuki back,” Kanna tells him. “Because then I could _obliterate your face_ and not have to worry about the cleanup.”

That’s as good as ‘you’re forgiven’ from Kanna, so Kakashi just smiles at her and settles back.

He tries not to think about how the hole in Kanna’s chest is probably bigger than the one he put in Rin’s.

\--

They reach Suna without further incident, though Watanabe, the last kunoichi in the group, seems annoyed that she missed whatever the drama was. She keeps pestering Kimiko about it. They leave Kanna alone for the most part, and Kakashi’s relieved. If someone had asked Kanna about the _other_ scars, there would have been hell to pay. He hasn’t actually see anyone ask about the bite scars before, if only because so very few people see them—Kakashi’s only seen them a handful of times, and that’s because Kanna wore something a little less covering while cooking—but he’s pretty sure those would get a much more violent reaction than the stabbings.

Kanna spends the nights scrawling in a sketchbook, eyes focused so intently that Kakashi would worry for her safety if she were alone and anyone other than herself. She seems oblivious to the world around her, curled forward and furious at the pad balanced against her knees. She keeps her back to a tree, makes herself a small target, but none of it really matters. Kakashi’s sure that, even asleep, she’d feel an approaching enemy faster than the person on watch.

He doesn’t voice this, because their erstwhile teammates would only cause drama, probably. Some of them might believe her, but the general response would probably be doubt. Kanna is foreign and new to the forces. She came to Konoha less than a year ago, and her sensor skills are much harder to gauge than her wife’s healing.

Kakashi jokes about it to Genma the night before they arrive in Suna, and is met with a snort.

Genma was on that highly-sensitive nukenin retrieval a last month. He knows the lay of the land, has been behind Kanna as she skipped the contacts and scent trails and infiltration, and just shot straight towards the man in question, crossing from country to country with only minimal allowances for terrain and legality. Genma was _there._

Genma doesn’t trust her, but he’s seen the proof. Kakashi hasn’t seen the proof, but he trusts her.

Chōza trusts _them,_ and so he believes the Hokage’s claim about the sensor in their team.

The irony of it all is that however skilled she is at this, however close she is to being _the literal best on the continent_ for this ability, it’s the one thing in her arsenal that doesn’t matter to the mission.

Not even the redacted mission that she and Tenzō and Chōza all refuse to talk about.

\--

So, like.

The _initial_ meeting with the Kazekage goes well enough.

Chōza does introductions as the mission commander and primary diplomat, and Genma’s his second. Kakashi tries to ignore the glares from the people around him. After the initial conversations, they’re asked to split. Chōza, Kakashi, and Tenzō stay with the Kazekage for further general discussion, and Kimiko sticks with them. Watanabe Chinatsu is a medic with enough experience on all levels of the hospital to actually have a productive time going over possible exchanges of staff and medical conferences, while Miyamoto Hiroshi’s administrative and teaching experience in the Academy mean he’s whisked off to chat about curriculums. Neither of them are going to get enough detail to actually more forward, not yet, but the foot is in the door.

Genma is technically a specialist in assassination and infiltration. Neither of these things are polite to bring up on a diplomacy mission, but _poison_ is, so Genma is set to accompany Kanna to R&D.

“Genma!” Kakashi calls before the two follow a director of something or other out of the room.

The man in question turns back, one eyebrow quirked. “Hm?”

“Don’t let her make any of the lab techs cry,” Kakashi tells him, because that’s a smidge more polite than the ‘don’t let her cause an international incident’ that they used on the trip over.

Kanna rolls her eyes, but Genma actually chuckles. “Didn’t you know? Almost half of Suna’s R&D is poisons, Hatake. Their projects will kill them before Uzumaki’s lectures on fume hoods do.”

“Ugh, let’s _go,”_ Kanna snaps, and her hair fans out behind her as she whips around to storm out.

Hm. Maybe Kakashi took the joke too far.

The Kazekage doesn’t look impressed when Kakashi meets his eyes again. Rasa is a generally unimpressed man, from what Kakashi knows of him, but there’s an edge to it now.

“Should I assume that Uzumaki-san has made many in Konoha cry?” he asks.

“Less than in the place she was at before,” Kakashi says. “She has some strong opinions about people cutting corners on lab safety.”

Rasa continues to look at Kakashi like the literal dog shit on the bottom of his shoe, so Kakashi wisely lets Chōza take over from there.

\--

Kanna does not, according to Genma, actually make anyone cry. He smugly reports that while it was obvious that nobody wanted her there or found her particularly likeable, she stayed generally polite and actually indicated that Konoha could learn some things from Suna in this field. She even proposed exchanging some of Konoha’s work on biological grafting for some of Suna’s practice in puppet-based prostheses.

Kakashi smiles at Kanna and says, “I’m so proud of you!”

She kicks him in the shin and says, “Eat an entire bag of dicks.”

“Are you _sure_ you’re friends?” Watanabe asks.

“He’s, like, half-raising my kids,” Kanna says. “Practically family.”

“But do you even _like_ him?” Watanabe presses.

Kanna shrugs. “I mean, I haven’t been so overcome with the urge to kill him that I actually _tried_ yet, so probably.”

“That’s a very low bar,” Hiroshi points out.

“So are the standards of politeness, and yet you continue to limbo under them anyway,” Kanna says.

Kakashi hides behind his book and grins.

\--

They’re not allowed to leave their hotel rooms without an escort, but the shinobi assigned to do so are unobtrusive when asked. Some of them chat if the Konoha shinobi strike up conversation first, which Genma and Kimiko and Chōza all do without hesitation, but Kanna lets off enough of a ‘don’t fuck with me’ air that nobody even tries to talk to her the second day.

She was actually pretty conversant the first day, and pleasantly let the escort play tour guide and show her a few restaurants.

The second day, she’s grumpy enough after negotiations that Kakashi is pretty much the only person that bothers to even try.

They get ice cream, which melts exceedingly fast, and sit on a bench near a children’s park. They get just as many dirty looks as Kakashi expects, even if Kanna’s forehead protector is half-hidden by the line of her hat.

(Sunhat, even. Apparently she burns easy. Who knew?)

“So—”

“Don’t.”

“Aa.”

Yeah. Not particularly chatty today.

Kanna’s personal tastes in conversation cease to matter, though, because a small, angry child appears in front of them in a burst of sand.

The child is silent, just glares.

“Yo,” Kakashi says, raising one hand. He’s vaguely aware of their guard silently freaking out somewhere behind them. He’s not sure whether the kid is the threat, or if the guard thinks they’re a threat to the kid, but there sure is panic going on.

“You don’t belong here,” the child says, in a voice that is more rasp than sound.

“…eh,” Kanna says, and takes another bite of her ice cream.

The sound is like a shrug, but with even less effort.

“Really phoning it in, huh, Uzumaki?” Kakashi drawls, letting his head loll to the side just enough to look at her.

“It’s _hot_ and I’m _grumpy,”_ Kanna grouses.

Kakashi shakes his head and looks at the kid, whose expression has darkened in the moments he wasn’t watching. “We’re here on diplomatic business. You in the Academy?”

The kid looks about the right age, but… well, he smells a _lot_ like blood.

“No,” the kid says.

“…you planning to be a ninja?” Kakashi tries.

“I already am,” the kid says, and glares harder.

“Ah,” Kakashi says. He thinks on that for a moment. “Yeah, no, I was a ninja younger than you and I can say, big mistake. You gotta wait until you’re twelve or it fucks with your head.”

Kanna digs the heel of one shoe into his toes. “Don’t cuss around the kid.”

“You cuss all the time around—”

“I will _feed you your teeth,_ Hatake.”

“Maa,” Kakashi sighs, draping himself over Kanna’s shoulders. “Kanna-chan, you’re so _mean_ to one of your oldest friends in—”

“I will _bite you.”_

Kakashi sits up straight and suddenly becomes very interested in his ice cream.

“Ha,” Kanna mocks. She turns to the kid. “Look, can we help you with something?”

“Why… did you say you would feed him his teeth?”

Kanna blinks, bemused. “Because he’s annoying and I’m a dramatic-ass bitch.”

“Hey!” Kakashi protests. “You _just_ told me I couldn’t cuss around the kid.”

“That’s because you suck,” Kanna tells him. She turns back to the kid. “This jerk and I are friends, mostly because I’m an even bigger jerk, and sometimes he’s the only person who can put up with me, and I’m the only person who can put up with him, and insulting and threatening each other is fun because we’ve talked it over before and know we don’t really mean it.”

“Also she saved my life once,” Kakashi says, which is an exaggeration, but he figures nobody’s going to look into it that closely. “And that sort of thing is what many friendships are built on.”

The kid glares a little harder, _somehow,_ and then disappears in a whirl of sand.

“He didn’t even give us his name,” Kakashi muses.

“Didn’t need to,” Kanna says. “That was the Kazekage’s kid.”

He looks at her. “How… wait, don’t tell me.”

“How do you _think?”_

\--

Kanna beelines for Tenzō when they get back to the hotel, slings an arm over his shoulder, and tells him, “I sent out a hook~!”

Tenzō tries to step away from her, more than a little unnerved, and Kanna’s grin grows wider.

“Kanna, please stop bullying my cute little kohai,” Kakashi says. “He’s fragile.”

Tenzō shoots him a dirty look, but Kanna detaches herself with a snicker. “Yeah, yeah, I gotcha. Shouldn’t be long, though. Feels messy as _hell.”_

The alarm in Tenzō’s face is… actually not funny at all. It’s the kind of expression that signals things are actually pretty bad.

Ah, shit. The kid was the Jinchuuriki, wasn’t he?

“What should I—”

“I won’t need you,” Kanna says, flapping a hand dismissively. “You know, probably. Just, you know, hang back and protect people.”

“And your… hook?” Tenzō asks.

Kanna smirks. “Just trying to make sure he points it all at _me.”_

“Do I want to know?” Kakashi asks.

“No,” Kanna tells him. “But you’re going to. Eventually.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh worm, you get two chapters for this nonsense.
> 
> (And in case it wasn't clear: the "how do you think" is Kanna reminding Kakashi that, wildly enough, she IS a sensor.)


	7. Some Kids Just Have Rage Issues (It's Not Their Fault)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This just in, Kanna's main function on this trip is "restraining overpowered young boys who keep trying to kill her and also everyone ever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: references to canon traumas, displays of canon rages by children in traumatic situations, references to village-wide exterminations, semi-graphic severe injury (temporary)

The next day goes… fine. The fourth day is also fine. Kanna acts almost normal, most of the time, and Kakashi sees the probably-a-Jinchuuriki kid watching them a few times. Stalking. Fixation. Whatever he calls it, it’s bad.

Kakashi tries to just focus on his job instead. Negotiations are ramping up, and Chōza is _good_ at what he does, but Suna is suspicious.

It’s the middle of the night after the fifth day that there is an explosion, and screaming, and just a tinge of that oppressive rage that Kakashi remembers from nine years ago.

This isn’t as intense, and it’s more madness than anger, almost directionless in its pain, but it’s still…

Kakashi’s out the window before their Suna guards can stop him, because the killing intent is barreling their way and Kanna is _going out to meet it_ like a _dumbass._

They land on a rooftop, and a Suna ANBU lands next to them. He’s already rounding on them to tell them to get back inside, before they even take an extra step. He is interrupted, primarily because there is a ten-at- _best_ child screaming his head off about his mother, blood, and killing everyone.

 ** _“YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU,”_** the kid screams, spotting Kanna.

“Wow, haven’t gotten a response that bad since—” Kanna cuts off the comment in order to dodge a spear of sand, and Kakashi is grateful for that. He does not want to explain to Sakura how he let her wife get injured by someone who barely comes up to his hip, especially not because the wife was too busy quipping to dodge.

The screaming is wordless and pained and angry, and when there _are_ words, Kakashi ignores them. The kid’s head is entirely too messed up for anyone to help easily, and it’s not the kind of messed up that Kakashi has experience with. This is something else.

Kanna is talking to one of the Suna shinobi, looking annoyed and even a little angry, and Kakashi’s too far away to hear what she’s saying. There’s just too much property damage going on. He doesn’t _think_ anyone’s dead yet, but he’s not willing to stake any money on it. All the blood he can smell is old, but he’s not exactly used to flying, mind-controlled sand. Fresh blood could be hidden in a way that covers scent. It’s definitely possible.

Kanna either gets everything she needed from the shinobi or just gives up, because she starts walking directly towards the kid, crosses her arms, and lets loose her chakra chains.

Kakashi wonders how the _hell_ he’s supposed to report this to the Hokage, and then reminds himself that it’s not his job. Kanna and Tenzō were tapped for Baby Jinchuuriki duty, and Chōza is the commanding officer. Kakashi doesn’t have to deal with the fallout from this. This thought is comforting, but only barely.

The chains whirl, creating a series of criss-crossing circles around the child. They plow through some clouds of sand and dodge around others, forming a large, loose sphere around the kid and most of the sand.

Kakashi feels the arrival of the Kazekage before he sees him. The man puts a hand on Kakashi’s shoulder and squeezes roughly, and Kakashi does not wince. He does not throw the Kazekage off. It’s still a diplomatic mission, even if the whole thing has gone to hell in a handbasket.

“What is she doing to my _son?”_ Rasa demands.

“She’s an Uzumaki,” Kakashi says, and hopes that this is enough. “Taking down bijuu and Jinchuuriki with minimal loss of life is kind of their thing?”

Among many other things, but the first Jinchuuriki was Uzumaki Mito. That’s not exactly a secret, even to the international community. Hopefully the Kazekage makes the connection himself, because Kakashi doesn’t have time for a history lesson.

A shield shimmers up between the links of the chains, and then all the sand outside of it just… drops.

The Kazekage’s hand tightens further. Kakashi’s shoulder starts to hurt.

The kid is screaming, still, and there’s a panic to it. Being caged like that can’t be fun, and the kid is—

“What’s his name?” Kakashi asks.

“You don’t _know?”_ Rasa scoffs.

“Nobody _told_ me,” Kakashi says, because it’s true. “And I never thought I’d need to know, so I didn’t ask.”

“Gaara,” Rasa tells him, through gritted teeth. “His name is Gaara.”

Kanna walks closer to the kid, tightening the sphere down until it’s maybe two meters across. She stops when they’re in the middle of a park instead of on two entirely different buildings over a block away from each other. She sits down, legs crossed, and drops her chin onto her fist.

The kid watches her, sand whirling, eyes wide. He is, for a moment, quiet.

“I can do this all night,” Kanna tells him.

The kid starts screaming again, sand bludgeoning the walls of the cage to no effect. Kanna sighs, and that’s the point where the Kazekage tightens his grip further—seriously, _ow—_ and uses a shunshin to get them down to Kanna.

“Hello, Kazekage-sama,” she says. She does not stand, and barely glances over to them. “I suppose you heard the commotion?”

“What are you doing?” Rasa demands. “You cannot _interfere_ with a foreign village’s Jinchuuriki!”

“He attacked,” Kanna said flatly. “I defended, and now I’m preventing further property damage. I’m not interfering with… honestly, this is just a time-out.”

Kakashi does not laugh at this. He wants to. He does not.

“A time-out,” Rasa repeats. His voice gains a tiny additional tremor of rage. “A _time-out.”_

Kanna shrugs. “I mean… he’s a _kid._ And not _my_ kid. I don’t discipline kids that aren’t mine. I just redirect the damage and then get whatever authority figure _does._ A teacher or a parent, usually.”

“What are those chains doing to him?” Rasa asks, stepping forward. The fury in his voice is still there. He’s not happy with Kanna for getting involved. It’s not her place, as a Konoha nin.

“Containing him,” Kanna says mildly. “A truly powerful Uzumaki could capture entire bijuu with their chains, as Mito did to the Kyuubi… but I’m not that strong. I’m also not fighting a bijuu. I’m fighting a nine-year-old.”

“To be fair,” Kakashi says, “Nine-year-olds can be deadly.”

Kanna snaps her glare to him for a moment. “Not the time.”

“I’m just saying,” he sighs. “When I was nine—”

“This isn’t about you, Kakashi,” Kanna says. “Butt out.”

Fair enough.

Kanna looks up at the still-raging Gaara, and then raises her voice just enough to reach the distant, gathered shinobi. “Can someone get this kid a hot chocolate or something?”

Kanna, _no._

“A hot chocolate?” Rasa demands.

“I mean, that’s what I do with _my_ kids,” Kanna says, unperturbed. “After a nightmare or something?”

Rasa doesn’t answer, and Kanna carefully asks, “Does… does Suna do hot chocolate?”

“I’m assuming you don’t mean melted chocolate.”

“No.”

“Then, no, we do not.”

“Huh.”

Kakashi waits, but neither of them speak again. He takes a few careful steps away from Rasa. A Suna Jounin a few years older than him shows up in the space between them, and while Kakashi can _smell_ the anxiety coming off him, it’s not visible. Impressive, really. Chōza and Tenzō also show up, but they hang back. Kanna and Kakashi are enough, if only for the moment.

“Kazekage-sama,” the Jounin greets. “Your orders?”

Rasa meets the Jounin’s eyes, and then looks past to Kakashi. “So, what is this ‘hot chocolate’ that Konoha apparently gives young children?”

It’s a very aggressive way to ask about children’s drinks. Kakashi does not point this out. He just explains, “Hot milk with sugar and chocolate shavings mixed in for flavor. It’s a winter drink from further north, and your nights are cold enough that I think it’s probably a fine drink to have.”

Rasa’s eyes slide back to the Jounin. “Apparently, that.”

The Jounin only hesitates a moment before disappearing, but disappear he does.

Kakashi takes a look at the kid that’s still howling and throwing sand around the little prison like it’s going out of fashion, and then realizes that Rasa’s glaring at him.

He tries to smile at the Kazekage. Really, he tries.

“So, this happen often?” Kakashi asks brightly, because he’s clearly a font of wise decisions.

“Yes,” Rasa says, voice flat.

“Cool, cool,” Kakashi says. “I’m going to shut up now.”

He turns away and does not meet Rasa’s eyes again.

Kanna’s still sitting on the ground. Kakashi vaguely notes that the back of her shirt is completely torn through by the chains. That’s unfortunate.

“You done yet?” she calls out to the kid.

The kid is not done. Not in the slightest.

“Does she know what she’s doing?” Rasa asks, strained.

“Hm?” Kakashi asks, glancing over. “In terms of, like, Jinchuuriki-wrangling?”

“And in terms of _children,”_ Rasa grits out. “I have never seen this technique before. For all I know, he’s in agony.”

“Then why haven’t you stopped her?” Kakashi asks.

Rasa shoots him a spiteful glare. “Because this is the first time _anyone_ has managed to stop Gaara before he killed someone.”

Lovely.

“She has kids,” Kakashi says instead. “Adopted, with severe traumas. She knows how to work around… stuff like this.”

It’s not necessarily true—none of Kanna’s kids are this degree of homicidal or prone to rage—but Kakashi trusts her to know what she’s doing.

“And she wouldn’t hurt a kid,” Kakashi adds. “It’s a big thing with her.”

Probably. They haven’t exactly discussed it.

Kakashi decides that maybe it’s time to get a sitrep. He ambles forward as casually as he can, and crouches down next to Kanna. The Kazekage follows. Kakashi does his best to ignore him. “So, what’s the plan for after the kid calms down?”

Kanna shrugs. “His seal is, like, total trash.”

Rasa makes a noise of outrage, and Kakashi can hear Chōza groan a few meters away.

“Kanna-chan, remember what Hokage-sama said about _not causing an international incident?”_

Kanna looks up at him and wrinkles her nose in irritation. “Yeah, well, I’m not _wrong._ The seal is letting out way too much uncontrolled bijuu chakra, probably letting Shukaku influence the kid going by all the screaming, and I can _feel_ the random spikes. The mix isn’t even, just… Ugh. Makes my skin crawl.”

“Kanna. Please. _Please_ stop insulting what I’m guessing are Suna’s best seal masters,” Kakashi says. “I am begging.”

“Then beg,” Kanna tells him. She sighs after a moment, and looks past him to the Kazekage. “Look, I don’t want to be a dick about this, but the seal on your son is _really_ bad, and from what you were saying earlier, stuff like tonight isn’t exactly uncommon. I know Jinchuuriki seals, probably top five on the continent, and I can take a look. I won’t if you say not to, but my wife would probably murder me if I didn’t at least offer, given how much pain Gaara’s in.”

Rasa glares at her, but Kakashi’s not too put off by that in particular. Rasa glares at a lot of things. “And why is that?”

“Because she’s a bleeding heart and loves kids,” Kanna says without hesitation. “She cried at the last ‘Chihiro and the Pony Summons’ movie.”

Rasa’s eyebrows furrow. Kakashi doesn’t ask the question that’s probably on both their minds, which is ‘why?’

The Jounin from earlier returns with a tray of paper cups from an unknown place. Kakashi can smell the drink from here, and it’s not perfect, but the slightly-too-much quantities of sugar might actually appeal to someone under the age of ten.

Kanna looks up and to the side, tilts her head, and says, “Huh. I didn’t think you’d actually do it.”

She lurches to her feet, not even pretending to be graceful, and grabs two of the hot chocolates.

There’s two more in the tray. The Suna nin hesitates, and then wordlessly offers one of the remaining ones to the Kazekage.

Rasa takes it, and then looks at Kakashi and indicates the last cup.

“I don’t take off my mask until at least the third date,” Kakashi says, smiling as hard as he can with his visible eye, and internally cursing himself for answering on instinct with a fallback line instead of, y’know, actually _thinking._

The Jounin gapes at him, but the Kazekage looks more taken aback than anything. It could be worse, Kakashi reminds himself. There could be attempted murder happening right now.

“For fuck’s sake, Kakashi, would it kill you to _not_ be a dickhead for five minutes?” Genma’s voice floats over to him, and Kakashi finds himself with an arm slung over his shoulders. Genma’s three years older than him but exactly the same height, and slinging an arm over Kakashi’s shoulder only works because Kakashi’s slouching. “Seriously, the Kazekage?”

“It’s a stressful situation,” Kakashi defends. He’s grateful that Genma’s here, honestly, because _Genma_ is actually good at all that diplomacy stuff.

They don’t get to banter more and maybe try to fix what Kakashi’s done, because Kanna has the kid on the ground, prison shrinking and changing, until there’s only a chain wrapped around the kid, and _all_ the sand is on the ground.

Gaara can’t use chakra right now. He backs away from Kanna, terror in his eyes. The terror does not abate when he looks to his father.

Kanna says something that Kakashi can’t here, and then holds out one of the hot chocolates. She takes a sip from her own, says something else, and then sits down again.

Gaara hesitates, and takes the hot chocolate. He retreats a few steps, the cup too large in his little hands, and watches Kanna warily. The chain glows yellow around his waist, deceptively slim.

He takes a sip of the hot chocolate.

Rasa moves to step forward, and Kakashi holds an arm out because Gaara’s eyes are immediately on them.

“Maa, maybe let Kanna do her thing,” Kakashi says, tone light in a way he absolutely does not feel. “I think too many people crowding the kid might not be the best idea.”

Genma sighs, because Kakashi is _right_ even though it’s not diplomatically sound, and pushes Kakashi’s arm down.

Kanna keeps talking to the kid, and her voice is so low that even Kakashi can’t hear. Some of the Suna nin might—wind nature is more common here, and there are probably a few techniques that help with eavesdropping—but with the Kazekage making the choice to stay back for the time being, nobody interferes.

(Kakashi is surprised that worked, honestly. He’s incredibly happy that nobody’s tried to rip off his arm for the level of disrespect he just showed the Kazekage.)

(Seriously, jokes about his own deadly childhood? Third date? Arm in front of the Kazekage? What was he _thinking?)_

Gaara keeps sipping the hot chocolate, at least, and keeping his eyes on Kanna. His lips move sometimes, answering questions none of them can hear, and at one point he starts crying. Kanna scoots closer and takes his hand, and Kakashi doesn’t imagine that he hears at least one person gasping.

Kanna gets to her feet, grabs the kid, and settles him on her hip like he’s a toddler instead of a nine-year-old. She still has a hot chocolate in her other hand. Gaara is holding onto his own with both hands. It’s cute.

“Impressive,” Genma calls out, when she’s walked most of the way back.

She quirks a brow at him, and shrugs. “I’ve been the traumatized, angry little shit myself. I was a bit older and didn’t have a demon in my head, but hey, shit happens.”

Rasa eyes her. “You knew.”

“I’m a sensor,” Kanna says flatly. “And I’m _really good at it._ It’s—listen, there are Jinchuuriki with seals good enough to hide what they are from me, but Gaara here is stuck with something that was… I’m guessing modified off of an existing seal, and nobody anticipated the side-effects of the modification?”

Rasa’s face grows stonier. He doesn’t answer.

With Kanna, though, he doesn’t need to.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Kanna says. “I… would really appreciate the opportunity to look at his seal and see about fixing it. I’ll work with whoever usually does your sealing, so you know I’m not trying to sneak something in under your nose.”

There’s something that looks a lot like anger in Rasa’s eyes, but all he says is, “We can discuss it in the morning.”

“Agreed,” Kanna says. She looks down at Gaara and asks him, “Think you can hold out on your own until tomorrow?”

Gaara nods mutely, and she lets him down. She removes the chain from around his waist, and his chakra spikes, but the spike is gone as soon as it comes. He looks to his father, and hesitates, and then goes to stand before the Jounin that brought the hot chocolates.

“Hello, Baki-sensei,” he says quietly.

Rasa is unmoving. “Take him home.”

“At once, Kazekage-sama.”

They both disappear, and Kakashi tunes out for what comes after. Negotiations will take place tomorrow. Jinchuuriki seals are serious business, and something Kakashi will only be tangentially involved in.

They make it back to the hotel as a group, congregating in the common room they have to their suite, and Kanna slaps a privacy seal on the wall the second the door is closed.

She grins and goes up to Tenzō, one hand up high. “Liiiiiiine~”

Tenzō winces. “That was terrible.”

“Bitch please, that went _great,”_ Kanna says. Her eyes glint with victory. “He’s going to bend. Maybe not immediately, but he’s already leaning towards an agreement. Akimichi-taichou, you can take care of the rest?”

Chōza shakes his head. “I can, but please stop antagonizing the people we need to work with for this. Kakashi, I can’t believe I have to say this, but the same thing goes for you.”

Yeah, that’s fair. Kakashi hasn’t exactly been on his best behavior tonight. He’s actually been quite the fuck-up.

“And look, I was right, you didn’t even need to do anything,” Kanna coos, sitting down next to Tenzō and tilting her head towards him. “I told you there was nothing to worry about.”

“Kakashi-senpai, I’m being bullied,” Tenzō says, looking directly at him. “Help.”

Kakashi hides behind his book and emphatically does not help.

Kanna stands up from Tenzō, practically cackling, and goes to her own room. “See you all tomorrow. I need to sleep before fixing a Jinchuuriki seal.”

Oh yeah. Sleep. That’s a thing.

\--

The minuscule woman that they introduce as Suna’s premier Seal Master and Kanna’s coworker for the foreseeable future is…

Well, she tries to kill Kakashi on sight.

He dodges, obviously, but still. Rude.

It takes a few minutes to convince the elderly woman that Kakashi is, for one thing, not his father, and for another thing, here for completely sensible and definitely legal reasons. Kakashi isn’t sure if elder Chiyo is senile, holding a grudge that she’s keen on fulfilling against Kakashi because of some ‘sins of the father’ stuff, or just fucking with them.

He hopes it’s the last one.

It doesn’t matter in the long run, because Kanna and Chiyo get bundled off to meet with Gaara and assess his seal, and Rasa’s negotiation is more aggressive than it was the day before. Kimiko’s twitchy, and Tenzō is outwardly normal in the way that Kakashi _knows_ means he hasn’t slept at all. Chōza is a goddamn _professional_ and his presence is a balm to Kakashi’s soul.

There are no explosions. There is no screaming.

Three days pass, and on the fourth day, Kanna and Chiyo adjust Gaara’s seal.

(The night ends with Kanna slinging an arm around Tenzō’s shoulders and cooing, “Sinker~!” until he threatens to grow invisible hallucinogenic moss on her food the next time they eat together.)

They’re kicked out the next day, and told that if anything happens to Gaara because of Kanna’s modifications, there’ll be a war on the horizon. Gaara hugs Kanna goodbye, and tells her to thank someone called ‘Kurama’ as well, and Kakashi pretends he’s not listening because whatever is going on there is _not his business._

Konoha can feel free to send another diplomatic team in six weeks, according to Baki. If anyone shows up any earlier, they’ll be turned away at the gates as annoyances. Rasa does not say a single word to dispute this.

It’s almost anticlimactic, except the trip home is somehow more eventful than the entire Jinchuuriki situation.

Because of _course_ it is.

\--

Kanna’s gait stutters halfway through the Land of Rivers, and then she stops dead.

Her eyes are distant, wide and empty, and Kakashi’s heart skips a beat because _no, they’re almost home, they_ already _had a clusterfuck happen on this mission, come on._ Kanna turns to face the north, slaps her hands together, and delves into the Mind’s Eye of the Kagura technique. The rest of the team circles around her for the moments she spends on sensing, tense and ready for whatever comes up.

Kanna’s hands drop, and the expression she wears is—there’s no word for it as good as _devastated,_ for the moment before she covers it up. She turns to face Chōza, and says, “Some of Orochimaru’s underlings are moving into a base about half a day’s travel north-northeast of us.”

Oh _shit._

“Is Orochimaru with them?” Chōza asks.

“No,” Kanna says. She hesitates, and then says. “I felt three signatures I would place as A-rank. Most of his people appear to be genin level at most, and it’s… I believe most of them are children or teenagers.”

“How do you know they’re Orochimaru’s?” Kimiko asks, and—yeah, that’s a good question.

“I…” Kanna swallows, and it’s odd and uncomfortable and Kakashi _does not like_ seeing Kanna look _haunted._ “Before I came to Konoha, a close friend of mine made me promise to save a child since he couldn’t do it. I have reason to believe the child was stolen by Orochimaru before I could reach him, and I haven’t had the opportunity to seek him out yet. I didn’t anticipate Orochimaru moving anyone to the Land of Rivers, but I can sense the child with them.”

Goddammit, Kanna.

“Is this another ‘my wife would kill me’ moment?” Tenzō asks in a way that sounds half-joking, but falls entirely flat.

“No,” Kanna snaps. “This is on me. This one is _all_ on me. Juugo is—I can’t leave him. I _refuse_ to leave him, and while I recognize that going straight back to Konoha is important, I request your support in asking Hokage-sama to send me back out as soon as is feasible instead of waiting the week of discussion following negotiations.”

Chōza frowns deeply. “Why did Orochimaru take this specific child?”

“Kekkei Genkai,” Kanna says, face twisting into what can politely be called a grimace. “Uncontrolled, and incredibly powerful. To my understanding, there’s a very good chance he’s attempting to reverse-engineer the enzymes involved to induce a mimicry of it in his followers, though he’s telling the kid that he’s looking for a ‘cure’ to keep it under control.”

Charming.

There’s a moment where Chōza looks around, meets Genma’s eyes, and has some kind of silent conversation. Kakashi thinks he knows what it’s about.

“Sarutobi, Miyamoto, return to Konoha as fast as possible and inform them of the situation. The rest of you are Tokubetsu or above, and as Kanna said, there are only three signatures in there that are Jounin-level. Given that Kanna recently demonstrated the ability to nonviolently restrain an unstable Jinchuuriki, and these are apparently mostly children, we will be attempting to subdue where possible.”

Kanna gapes at him. “Wait, seriously?”

“You forget,” Chōza says, with a grim smile of his own. “I have a child of my own, and I was a shinobi while Orochimaru was still a respected Jounin, and hadn’t shown his true colors. Does anyone have any objections to this plan?”

Plenty, actually. “Should we not attempt reconnaissance first?”

“How many people?” Chōza asks Kanna.

“Roundabout three hundred,” she says, and those odds are _not great._ “Maybe a quarter appear to be non-combatants, however. I would guess… experimental subjects.”

Kakashi takes a look at Tenzō and figures there are nightmares in his future. Yeah, Kakashi’s going to handle that. It’s unlikely anyone else will, unless Tenzō runs off to get drunk with Anko again.

“You’ll have a better idea of combat capabilities once we’re closer?” Chōza asks.

“I could do it _now,_ but it would take a few minutes,” Kanna says. “It’ll be faster once we’re closer, and maybe a bit more detail on chakra types and ages than from this far out.”

Chōza nods. “I want to take care of this as fast as possible. Allowing Orochimaru to gain a foothold so close to Konoha is not an option. Miyamoto, Sarutobi, ask Hokage-sama to send a full ANBU squad if possible. I believe we can restrain any captives with the skills on this team, but the transport will be a problem if there are truly that many.”

Kanna’s irritation at the implied doubt of her skills is palpable, but she tamps it down and turns to the north, fairly vibrating with anticipation.

Kakashi steps up next to Tenzō and knocks their shoulders together. The look he gets back is… a little ill. That’s entirely valid.

\--

For all that Kanna is technically trained as a medic, she’s more of a frontline fighter than half the team. Watanabe, at least, hangs back in case of injuries to the team since she actually _is_ a medic, but Kanna dives forward and takes out baby ninja after baby ninja, pressing seals to foreheads and quietly, painlessly, safely knocks them out. It’s a major pro to working with a seal master, and the team adjusts to fighting the actual Chuunin-and-up while Kanna and her clones work to take care of the little things.

It’s not particularly fast, but it’s methodical and safer than the alternatives. There are few injuries, if any, until one of the A-rank chakra signatures shows up and stabs Genma through the shoulder.

Kakashi is immediately on the situation, and Watanabe heals Genma. There is no poison, and it’s the work of less than a minute to neutralize the threat.

Taking down one of Orochimaru’s hideouts should not be this easy, but Kakashi doesn’t question it more than that. They’d sent way more powerful people than the average for diplomatic purposes, and Orochimaru is scrounging children and nukenin to fill his ranks, and while it works in the long run, it’s not enough to really defend the place. The truly powerful nukenin aren’t going to be willing to bow to Orochimaru’s whims, are independent and uninterested in collaboration. No, Orochimaru’s little organization might be a threat in a few years, but right now it’s just children and scraps.

Kakashi has just finished with the A-ranker when a door explodes at the end of the hall, and a screaming blur heads straight for them. Chakra doesn’t fill the air, but killing intent does, and it’s far more powerful than anyone so far has displayed.

When they had been in Suna, Gaara had screamed his desire to kill everyone through his pain.

This one… this one _laughs._ He _crows_ about how he’s going to rip them to shreds to satisfy his bloodlust.

Kanna darts forward, abandoning them, and lands in front of the boy. Kakashi doesn’t think he’s any older than fourteen, _maybe_ fifteen, but any contemplation of the boy’s age ends up being useless, on account of the boy _blasting Kanna’s arm off._

Kakashi doesn’t freeze in horror, but that’s mostly because someone’s trying to stab him, and they’re faster than the average.

Kanna’s arm is gone, and her shoulder and part of her torso and Kakashi wants to be _sick._ He’s not the only one, either, but there are more people than ever in the heart of this underground complex, and they don’t have time to worry. Watanabe slips around attacks and heads for Kanna, eyes wide and probably already wondering how she’d explain failing to save a comrade to the Hokage, but it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter because Kanna rips the sleeve off her other arm off with her teeth, bites into her forearm, and _grows the other one back._

It takes seconds.

Watanabe isn’t even halfway across the room.

“Okay,” Kanna says, voice ringing out over the room. “Let’s try that again.”

The teenager screams in rage, and tries to chop through Kanna with an arm that’s suddenly an ax instead of a laser cannon, and Kanna just brings out the chains. It works on him about as well as it did on the actual, literal demon container, and when Kanna puts her hands on her hips and turns around, restraining the kid with basically zero effort, it’s exactly the kind of show of power they needed on their side to get this to _end._

“Now, seeing as I just took the Twin Scales out of play, can the rest of you just _surrender?”_

It works.

Kanna’s demeanor changes entirely after that. She goes around helping seal anyone that isn’t in Tenzō’s special Mokuton handcuffs or Genma’s own prisoner seals, and the enraged teenager floats behind her in the cage of chains. She functions in a way that makes her seem almost like one of _them_ instead of one of Konoha’s, like she’s more at home in these dark and dripping halls of horror than she is in her own labs back in the village.

Chōza approaches her halfway through and asks, “Is that the child you were looking for?”

Kanna looks over her shoulder, pained, and says, “Yeah.”

“Uncontrolled kekkei genkai, you said.”

Kanna breathes in sharply. “Yeah. I’m—I’m going to ask Hokage-sama to send Jiraiya. I’m going to need help with this one.”

Kakashi tries not to think about what, exactly, is going on.

Looking at where Kanna tries to talk Juugo down from his rage feels like an intrusion, like watching something he was never supposed to see.

\--

When Juugo calms down, he’s a _sweetheart._

It’s ridiculous, almost. Kanna explains to them in soft tones that Juugo’s clan has a kekkei genkai that causes them to absorb chakra until it boils over and sends them into frenzied rages. She has plans for temporary solutions in Konoha, but she’ll need Jiraiya for something permanent. Juugo doesn’t _want_ to fly into uncontrolled murder sprees, was hiding in caves in the mountains to isolate himself from people for years. Orochimaru promised him a solution, and Juugo grabbed for it with both hands.

The child is twelve. He’s been with Orochimaru for the better part of four years.

Kakashi’s stomach turns.

They wait for ANBU, make their reports and start the process of prisoner transfer across several hundred kilometers. Juugo clings to Kanna’s side, watches the rest of them curiously, and tells Tenzō that he seems nice. Tenzō is confused and a little scared until Kanna laughs and ruffles Juugo’s hair and tells Tenzō that it’s because Mokuton is the closest of human techniques to natural chakra.

She asks Kakashi if he can summon the pack, or at least one or two of them. Juugo doesn’t hurt animals.

Every conversation about the new kid is weird and twisted and painful, and Kakashi thinks that’s the theme with the children that the Uzumakis are collecting. Juugo asks Kanna if he’s going to see his friend Kimimaro again, why she can help him if Orochimaru couldn’t, if he’ll _really_ be kept far away enough from people to not hurt anyone again. He adores her from the second he calms down, because she stopped him. She kept people safe _from_ him. She’s a guardian angel.

Kanna hugs him to her once, burying his head against her abdomen, and Kakashi could swear she’s about to cry.

He doesn’t know who the dead friend that made her promise this is. She tells Juugo the same thing she told everyone else, but doesn’t clarify beyond saying that the friend was a member of Juugo’s clan and knew Juugo was still alive even if the rest of the clan wasn’t, and asked her to save him. She doesn’t say if it was a brother, an uncle, a cousin. She doesn’t clarify, but Kakashi doesn’t ever suspect her of lying. The pain on her face isn’t fake. Whoever this man was, he was as close to Kanna as a brother.

Kakashi isn’t meant to hear it, when Tenzō goes over to her the night before Konoha and asks, “You used to work for Orochimaru, didn’t you?”

Kanna’s face twists the same way it always does when someone asks her something about the life she lived before Konoha. “Someone very much like him. I was… _recruited_ in a way that made it hard to say no.”

Tenzō waits for her to elaborate.

She sighs. “I was a medic. Fourteen. Could barely fight at a genin level. The man who recruited me slaughtered the entire village I was working in and told me he had a place for me. I was a prison warden, and an occasional experimental subject. I _left_ two years later.”

There’s more to the story, _so much_ more, but Tenzō doesn’t press. He nods, and says, “If you need to talk about it…” and leaves.

Kanna keeps Juugo tucked up to her side when he isn’t in a rage, combing her fingers through his hair and watching the horizon with empty eyes.

Kakashi has no idea how she’s planning to explain yet another sibling to the kids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE BOY


	8. Seriously, Slow Down With the Adoption Addiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to officially add another family member! Also, gender happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: references to PTSD, frank discussion of gender (mostly from the POV of a nine-year-old), mentions of sex

Jiraiya isn’t in the village, or anywhere remotely near it.

It’s going to take a few weeks for him to get back.

Kakashi sticks with Kanna while she tries to set up a containment room for Juugo. There are seals all over the walls, and when Kakashi asks what they’re for, Kanna explains that she’s trying to make it so there’s almost no natural chakra in the room at all. If there’s no natural chakra to absorb, then the process is stymied. It’s not a permanent solution, not if they want Juugo to ever be able to _leave_ the room, but it’s a safe space for him.

Kanna spends twenty hours building the containment and filtration seals in the ‘specimen containment room’ of her lab before she’s finished. She puts Juugo in there, and promises him that she’ll set up something similar at her house, and that a specialist is going to come by soon and they’ll fix this, they _will._ Kakashi’s pretty sure that Juugo can see just how much Kanna cares, because the boy hugs her and clings until she has to leave. There are ANBU guards for the time being, but there’s an alert seal for Kanna if anything goes wrong enough that Juugo has another episode.

Hokage-sama takes Chōza’s report first, takes all their reports in turn, and looks incredibly tired. Taking down one of Orochimaru’s facilities, especially with the confiscated research, is a good thing. It’s a _good_ thing, even with all the fallout. With luck, they can merge some of the captives into their own forces, following some intense therapy against the personality cult that Orochimaru set up. The Hokage does _not_ take Kanna’s report, not for more than a few minutes, because she’s dead on her feet and twitchy as hell, because she’s been awake for going on forty hours by the time she’s standing in the highest office in the village, because Kanna has been doing the primary labor of this entire spur of the moment operation and she is _tired._

Forty hours is nothing for a shinobi in theory, but Kanna regrew an entire arm and part of her torso, and then made a massive seal array that Kakashi doesn’t even understand, so like. Yeah.

Kakashi hovers at her side. He’s taken the time to sleep, dropped by the hospital just long enough to let Sakura know the basics of what happened as soon as he had a chance, and circled back around to give his general report on the actual diplomatic trip to Suna. Kakashi was technically only there as a guard, so his report is shorter than the actual negotiators. The Orochimaru thing, too, is mostly Kanna and Chōza’s reports.

If they spend less than a week on _just_ the diplomacy and the side trip, Kakashi will eat his Icha Icha.

(Not the collector’s edition, of course, but one of them.)

When the reports and temporary accommodations and medic visits are all done, Kakashi walks Kanna home.

Kanna falls forward into Sakura’s arms as soon as she opens the door, and doesn’t move. Sakura meets Kakashi’s eyes over her wife’s shoulder, and smiles sadly. “Rough week, I take it.”

Kakashi shrugs. “More for Kanna-chan than anyone else.”

“I want to sleep,” Kanna whines into Sakura’s neck. “He burned off my arm. And my shoulder. And I think part of my ribcage.”

“Oh, yikes,” Sakura says, patting Kanna on the back. “The kids missed you.”

Kanna takes a few more moments to actually lift herself off of Sakura and trudge inside, and Kakashi follows her in after Sakura indicates he should.

“Aneki!”

Naruto’s yell is impressive, in that sometimes it manages to offend the senses before that particular shade of orange does. The kid careens around a corner, slams into Kanna’s midsection, and starts talking a mile a minute.

Kanna stares down at Naruto for a few seconds, clearly having difficulty processing. “Are you… wearing eyeliner?”

Naruto quiets down for a moment, and then doesn’t meet Kanna’s eyes. “Ummmmmmmmm yes?”

“…you’re gonna have to walk me through why,” Kanna says. “I’m dead on my feet.”

Digging the toe of one house slipper into the hardwood, Naruto says, “Sakura-nee was teaching us about stuff like gender pre-sen-ta-tion and i-den-ti-ties.”

Kanna closes her eyes for a long moment. “I… okay? Do—do we need to go shopping, or—?”

“No,” Sakura says, taking Kanna by the elbows. “We can talk about this in the morning. You need to sleep. So long as the kids know you still love them—”

“Fucking _obviously.”_

“—then it can wait,” Sakura finishes firmly. “Naruto, Kanna-chan still loves you and all your siblings, and we’re going to talk about other stuff tomorrow.”

“Wait, no, we need another room, I found—”

 _“Bed,”_ Sakura stresses, pushing her towards the stairs. “Shower. Sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.”

Kanna squints blearily at her wife, apparently not quite realizing that the reason she can’t see is that her glasses are smudged, and then goes to the master bedroom.

Sakura shakes her head with a smile, and turns to Kakashi. “Want some tea? Coffee? Or are there meetings to get to?”

“I have some time off,” Kakashi acknowledges. “Living room?”

“Aa,” Sakura agrees. “Any preferences on flavor?”

“Just green works,” Kakashi says. He goes to wait in the living room, and finds that Naruto’s apparently rejoined the others. Sai is painstakingly doing Karin’s eyeliner, and Shin is curled up with a book on the armchair. Kakashi takes a seat on the couch, the closest to Shin, and raises a hand. “Yo.”

Shin looks up, and the smile he gives Kakashi is hesitant and unpracticed. It’s real, though, and Kakashi is happy to see it. “Hello, Kakashi-san.”

“Not joining in on all of that?” Kakashi gestures at the kids trying to figure out makeup on the floor.

Shin shrugs. “Not my cup of tea, so to speak. I listened to the lectures, but even when I thought about it… I am comfortable as I am and as was defined for me.”

“Most people are,” Kakashi acknowledged. “Let me guess, Sai has the steadiest hands, and that’s why Karin’s commandeered Sai’s help for this?”

“She has to squint to see her own face in the mirror,” Shin says. “And Sai likes being useful.”

Sakura comes into the room with three cups of tea, hands one off to Shin and another to Kakashi, and then takes a place on the couch with her legs tucked up under her. She’s warm against his side, and while Kakashi isn’t much of a sensor, he’s got enough training under his belt to feel how calm and kind and _content_ Sakura is right now. It’s comforting, and he wonders how much of Kanna’s initial interest in this woman might have stemmed from how pleasant her chakra is.

“You’re thinking,” Sakura notes. “Can I ask what about?”

“If I need to change honorifics,” Kakashi says, which is half-true. It’s definitely what he was thinking about a few minutes ago. “They’re not young enough for -chan to be gender-neutral, but -kun can work both ways, right?”[1]

“For now,” Sakura agrees. “Sai and Naruto are trying to figure things out—they’ll explain if you ask—and Karin and Shin have both more or less settled where they started.”

“And at the Academy?” Kakashi asks.

Sakura hums a little. “Naruto hasn’t brought it up, but I think Sai came out.”

Kakashi takes note of the smirk that crosses Karin’s face, and wonders if he actually wants to know.

He does not say ‘Dare I ask?’ but he’s tempted.

“I know a few people in the ranks that identify differently,” Kakashi says. “Whether as the opposite or neither or something in between. I can put out feelers if they need someone who’s been there to speak with?”

“If they need it,” Sakura says.

She’s probably about to say more, but Naruto pops up in Kakashi’s face with wide eyes and a shout of, “Really?!”

Kakashi leans back slowly, puts a finger on Naruto’s nose, and pushes the child away. “Yes.”

“There’s people that think gender stuff is weird and don’t like boxes too?” Naruto presses. “Like real ninjas? That you work with? Who?”

“Naruto,” Sakura scolds. “We talked about this, don’t shout in people’s faces.”

Naruto settles back, but those too-blue eyes are still wide and searching, and Naruto thrums with anxious energy.

“Aa,” Kakashi says. He thinks for a moment. “I can’t tell you yet. I have to ask for permission. I’m guessing your sisters already explained how outing someone without their permission is a bad thing, right?”

Naruto’s nose scrunches up, but Kakashi gets the nod he’s looking for.

“Why don’t you tell me more about what you’re feeling,” Kakashi suggests. “And I’ll see if I can find someone that knows that in particular?”

“Okay,” Naruto says, and then climbs up to sit on the couch, half-crushing Kakashi’s thigh. “So, like, Nee-chan was talking about how some people have genders that change from day to day and some people are just both or neither, and I thought that was weird because everyone always says gender is whether what’s in your pants is innie or outie, but Nee-chan said it was more about your _brain_ and stuff, and she’d never experienced that sorta thing herself, but some of her friends did, and one of her friends just thought the entire idea of gender connected to body parts was dumb and sometimes used henge to switch just because having boobs made ‘em happy, and not like the creepy pervy way, just like having long hair makes some girls happy or painted nails or something, ya know?

“And I thought about how girls get to have cool paint on their faces and long hair and skirts and stuff, and Nee-chan said that could mean that I want to be a girl sometimes, or it could mean that I just want the a-es-the-tic bits, and that’s fine too, because guys should be allowed to like the same stuff girls like, and splitting hobbies and clothes into genders is dumb because it’s just _fabric_ and stuff, right? So I was like ‘cool’ and thought that maybe that was it, and then Sai said something about not wanting a gender at _all_ , and I thought that wasn’t really what I felt like, ‘cause I don’t want to not _have_ a gender, I just think that stuff that isn’t bodies having a gender is weird, you know? And we’re ninjas, so our bodies can change anyway, especially with medics that are super good at what they do, so why should the body matter? And then I started wondering if I would have felt the same way if I’d been born a girl and didn’t have a weenie, but I don’t think I’d mind being a girl, just the blood stuff that Nee-chan was talking about before that—”

Ah, so _that’s_ how the conversation started. Sex ed.

“—and not being able to pee standing up, but I don’t think I would have minded people _calling_ me a girl or dressing me up like a girl or giving me girl toys, you know? And I thought about it a bunch and I think I like having more than one gender and Nee-chan said that’s fine too, and that I’m smaller than Karin so a bunch of her old stuff can probably fit me, and I can experiment and stuff, except not the way Aneki does because Aneki’s experiments kill people and I’m not a genin yet so I’m not allowed to do that.”

“…right,” Kakashi says. Naruto said a lot of words but the bulk of it boils down to ‘identifies with more than one gender.’ Kakashi turns to the other two. “And Sai?”

Sai blinks up with dark eyes and shrugs. “I don’t know yet. I am not bothered by being addressed as a boy, but I have trouble understanding the nuance of gender identity. I find myself enjoying feminine things, but I also think I may just dislike applying the concept of gender to myself. Sakura-san said that it is possible to identify as neither. I like that idea.”

“Okay,” Kakashi says. “And—I’m going to regret asking this, but I can’t _not_ ask—why did Karin look like she was plotting to take over the world when Sakura said you came out at school?”

“Karin broke someone’s nose,” Sai says.

The girl herself grins, and Kakashi can feel a headache coming on.

“Is that so.”

“Kiyoko said that Sai wasn’t _really_ my brother,” Karin reports. “And she didn’t _say_ it but she definitely meant it was because of the whole foster situation. Sai tried to explain things, but was getting frustrated, so I said that Sai isn’t my brother because Sai is a gender-ambiguous sibling who’s still trying to figure themselves out. Kiyoko said that that’s weird and Sai’s not my brother because Sai isn’t even adopted, so I punched her.”

“Did you at least wait until it was time to spar?” Kakashi asks.

“No,” Karin says. Her grin widens. “But Neji did.”

Kakashi glances at Sakura, who grimaces. “She had detention. The whole thing blew over pretty quickly. The Hyūga were involved, so that was a big part of it.”

Good to know.

“You’re a terrifying little hellion and I’m scared of what you’re going to be when you grow up,” Kakashi tells Karin, because she deserves some compliments. She beams at him, so it was definitely the right thing to say. “Try to be a bit more subtle, though. Protecting your comrades and friends and siblings is good, but you’re going to be a ninja, so try to figure out the best way to get revenge without getting caught.”

“Sure thing, Kakashi-nii,” Karin says, and Kakashi tries not to wonder too hard about what, exactly, she’s going to take from that.

She whirls around and grabs both of her br—siblings, and drags them off towards a different part of the house. Kakashi decides it’s none of his business.

He glances towards Shin. “Not joining in?”

Shin shakes his head and lifts his book. “I’m studying.”

“You don’t _have_ to learn fuuinjutsu,” Sakura tells him. It has the air of an old argument. “It’s alright to focus on other things.”

“Everyone else is, so I should too,” Shin responds. “How else am I supposed to stop them from doing something stupid?”

“By getting an _adult_ to supervise,” Sakura retorts. “You’re thirteen, you don’t need to—”

“Hana _said,”_ Shin insists, and Sakura’s mouth snaps shut. She sighs, and Shin continues. “I’m the older brother. I’m supposed to look out for them.”

“Just get supervision,” Sakura says. “Just—if you see them working on fuuinjutsu, get supervision. They’re not supposed to do it without an adult.”

“They’re all working on it?” Kakashi asks. “I didn’t realize they’d gotten far enough to make anything unstable.”

Sakura groans and buries her face in his shoulder. She’s very warm, and she giggles through her irritation. “They’re _disasters,_ all of them. Karin does everything by the book and knows all the math, but Naruto’s the one that gets _creative._ So Naruto invents something that doesn’t make sense, and Karin takes it apart until she figures out how it works so she can _make_ it make sense, and then Sai just copies everything out with a jutsu that makes fifty copies of the same seal because Karin told them to, and then we end up with an entire Academy classroom where all the light gets sucked out if the teacher starts yelling.”

Kakashi blinks. “Wait, Naruto—”

Sakura nods grimly.

“But that’s manipulation of electromagnetic waves in response to sound wave amplitude,” Kakashi says, feeling just a little faint. “That’s not—”

“It’s _Naruto,”_ Sakura says, like that explains it.

Maybe it does.

\--

Kakashi finds Tenzō in Anko’s apartment, sober but definitely not mentally all there. Kakashi can’t _smell_ anything, so he’s pretty sure they didn’t have depression sex about their shared trauma again, but there’s a whole lot of greasy comfort food on the table. Kakashi’s pretty sure that’s the healthier option, given how quickly it’s all going to get burned off anyway, but it’s still, like… the village has therapists on staff for a reason, right? And Kakashi should probably be urging his cute little kohai to take advantage of that, right?

“Senpai!” Tenzō says, once Anko knocks on the door to the guest room and lets him know that Kakashi’s here. “Did you, er, need something?”

“Maybe,” Kakashi says. “It’s more of a vague idea than anything, but I wanted to get your thoughts on it before I volunteered you for something you couldn’t actually do.”

Tenzō squints at him. “That’s… thoughtful of you.”

“Tenzō,” Kakashi gasps, putting a hand to his chest in mock hurt. “Are you insinuating I’ve ever had _anything_ less than the best of intentions for you?”

“Yes,” Tenzō says, because he’s as much of a little shit as anyone in ANBU is. “Mitarashi-san, back me up.”

“Fuck no, not when you’re back to calling me ‘Mitarashi-san,’” Anko snorts, dropping back to sprawl on her couch.

Tenzō pouts. “Anko-san, you’re being mean too, now. Please stop.”

Anko’s grin widens. So do her legs. “Come over here and _make_ me, pretty boy.”

“Ahem,” Kakashi says. “Not that I want to stop you from enjoying yourselves—”

“Lies,” Anko accuses airily.

“—but I actually do need to check with Tenzō about something.”

Anko raises an eyebrow and gestures for him to get on with it then.

“Okay,” Kakashi says, because he didn’t quite anticipate having to do this in front of _Anko_ , but Tenzō doesn’t look keen on leaving yet. “Right. Regarding the, uh, incident on the way back from Suna… the Uzumaki house _might_ be needing another room?”

“Might as in you _know_ they need it, or might as in you’re assuming but didn’t ask?” Tenzō questions.

“The latter,” Kakashi says. “I know they bought the house planning to adopt a lot, but I don’t think they planned on so many so quickly, so I’m not sure if they’re ready for the recent needs?”

Tenzō frowns. “So they want me to add one on?”

“They didn’t bring it up, but I think they might appreciate it,” Kakashi says. “Especially if you can make it happen underground.”

“Under—I thought they had their eyes on a permanent solution,” Tenzō says.

Kakashi shrugs. “Jiraiya isn’t here.”

“You guys know I’m not stupid, right?” Anko chimes in. “I’ll figure it out pretty easily.”

“Plausible deniability,” the men both say in unison.

“Talk to Kanna about it?” Kakashi suggests. “It might not be the best option, especially given the—the _needs_ in question, but if you can do it, they might appreciate knowing.”

“Aa,” Tenzō agrees. “I’ll—not right away, but I’ll talk to her.”

“Cool,” Kakashi says. “Uh, if you need to talk about anything from the mission, I can—”

“No, thank you, I have Anko,” Tenzō says, grabbing Kakashi’s shoulder and steering him towards the door. “Thanks and bye-bye.”

“Bye-bye?”

“Senpai, I am _this close—”_

\--

Kakashi’s returning from a lunch date with Sakura, talking about recent changes in hospital procedure—not much, but trundling along—when it happens. They’re only about a block away from the hospital itself, and she goes stock still.

“Sakura!”

The woman starts running, and throws herself into a hug with a woman that Kakashi does, surprisingly, recognize. Sakura crushes the woman to her and squeals, “Shizune! Oh my god, I didn’t know you were visiting!”

“Neither did I,” Shizune admits, pulling away with a smile of her own. “We were passing by about thirty kilometers away, and Tsunade-sama told me she could take care of herself for a few days while I come see you.”

“So…”

“I’ll risk it,” Shizune laughs. She pulls Sakura into another hug, gripping tightly. “Oh, it’s _good_ to see you. Where’s Kanna-san? Can I meet the kids?”

“At work, but—oh, shoot, I have to get back to my shift. Do you mind meeting up after I finish? I’m done at 7:30 today.”

“It’ll be no problem,” Shizune assures her. “I have a whole lot of people to visit, you know. I haven’t been home in almost twenty years.”

“Go,” Sakura says. “Have fun. Start with Kakashi, he needs more friends anyway.”

“I do _not—”_

“Sure!” Shizune agrees, slipping her arm around Kakashi’s before he can finish his protest. “I’ll see you later!”

“Bye!”

Kakashi lets himself be steered down the road, not overly concerned with his impromptu kidnapping. He didn’t have much planned for the rest of the day anyway, and while he was never very close to Shizune, he’s okay with being her springboard for reconnecting with people.

“So,” Kakashi says after a few long moments. “How did you and Sakura… meet?”

Shizune looks up at him, brow furrowed. “I thought it was common knowledge that she studied with Tsunade-sama.”

“Well, yes, but… nobody ever really told me the details,” Kakashi tries to explain.

“Oh,” Shizune says. “Did you ask?”

“Not really.”

“That’s probably why, then.”

“Maa, I feel like you aren’t taking me seriously, Shizune-san.”

She laughs a little, and presses into his side to avoid a woman with a stroller. “Sakura-chan came to us asking for medical training after some trouble she’d had with her prior team. She managed to impress Tsunade-sama, and she traveled with us for a few years to refine her existing skills.”

“So, not a whole lot I didn’t already know,” Kakashi sighs. “And here I was, thinking I’d be able to get some dirt on her.”

“Blackmail on your friends? For shame,” Shizune teases.

“She’s a very sweet, kind woman,” Kakashi states. “I’m pretty sure it’s not all real, because I’ve seen her destroy training grounds while sparring, but she’s consistent about it.”

“Ah, she’s doing better, then,” Shizune says, and there’s a sadness that comes over her that Kakashi doesn’t find surprising at all. “She had some moments with us, and I worried.”

“Talk about it over coffee?” Kakashi offers. “She’s—she’s done a lot for me. I’d like to be able to help her out in turn.”

Shizune looks him up and down, and then tilts her head and smiles so hard that her eyes close. “Sure! Is Michiko’s still around?”

It is, actually, and they don’t talk about much on the way there, or while they wait for their orders, but then Shizune asks a question that throws Kakashi for a loop.

“How have the migraines been?”

Kakashi blinks. “I don’t… get migraines unless I use my Sharingan, and you weren’t here recently enough to know about that. I just have normal headaches.”

“Ah, no, I meant Sakura’s,” Shizune clarifies.

“She’s never mentioned them,” Kakashi says, and a part of him whispers, _probably because you’re a shitty friend._

Kakashi tries to ignore that part of himself, reminds himself that he is _actively working_ on being a better friend, and he can’t actually control what Sakura tells him.

“Oh,” Shizune says, and then smiles in a way that’s more brittle than bright. “Maybe she figured out a solution, then!”

Or she’s just lying by omission to Kakashi specifically.

He’s only known them for a year, Kakashi reminds himself. For all that they’ve wormed their ways into each other’s lives, it’s not like it is with Gai. They’re friends, but they’re not _best_ friends.

There are still boundaries, and it looks like Sakura’s are a lot higher than he thought.

\--

Kakashi has the luck to be there on the day that Juugo moves from Kanna’s laboratory to the Uzumaki house. He’s aware of the special room in the basement that filters out all nature chakra so Juugo can have a safe space, and the beaded bracelets that Juugo wears when he leaves the room. Jiraiya and Kanna are still talking it all over, but Kakashi’s pretty sure that while the bracelets aren’t quite as permanent a solution as a tattooed seal would be, they’re enough that Juugo’s going to have more real freedom than he has in years.

More to the point, Kakashi sees the moment that Karin lays eyes on a new brother and goes ‘mine.’

She doesn’t say it _out loud,_ but the little girl is pretty obvious. She’ll need to learn to control that as a kunoichi, but it’s not Kakashi’s job to teach her that, and he’s wary of Karin learning to control that sort of thing anyway. Kakashi’s already heard one spiel on growing up to be just like Kanna-aneki, and he’s got enough nightmares, thanks.

(One day, someone is going to realize that Kakashi is weirdly paranoid around Karin, and they are going to ask why, and Kakashi isn’t going to have an answer beyond ‘just a gut feeling.’)

Despite Karin’s apparent decision to fold Juugo into her building array of subordinates, it’s Naruto that gets Juugo’s attention first.

“Hi! Are you the new brother that Aneki was telling us about? Sakura-nee said you got rescued from a bad place like Sai and Shin and we gotta be careful about stuff ‘cause the stuff that scares me won’t scare you and the stuff that scares you won’t scare me so we gotta ask about all that stuff instead of—”

Shin picks Naruto up and moves him back to the others. He sets him down next to Sai, puts a finger on Naruto’s nose, and says, “Stay.”

“But—”

_“Stay.”_

It’s adorable.

Shin turns back to Juugo and offers up a tentative smile. “Hello. I am Shin. The blonde is Naruto, the redhead is Karin, and the one with black hair is Sai. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Hello,” Juugo says. He reaches out and grasps Shin’s hand like it’s the most delicate thing on the planet. “My name is Juugo. I do not think I am actually a member of your family. Kanna-sama is the only one that can stop me when I lose control, so I have to stay with her.”

“Please stop calling me that,” Kanna says. Her voice is aggrieved, like she’s been trying to convince Juugo of this for as long as they’ve been in contact. Kakashi notes that she’s actually taken off her glasses to more easily rub at her temples in irritation. “And you’re part of the family if you want to be. I went through a lot of trouble to keep my promise and get you here, so if you want to be a brother, you’re damn well going to be. You don’t wanna call me Aneki like the other brats, that’s fine, but none of this -sama shit, okay? Call me Kanna-san if that’s what works for you. Shin and Sai still do, so I’m used to it.”

Naruto perks up, eyes shining. “Swear jar! Aneki, you gotta put five ryō in the swear jar!”[2]

“Um…” Juugo says, watching as Kanna grumbles and pulls out a few coins for the aforementioned swear jar. “O-okay, Kanna-san.”

Sakura rolls her eyes and pushes past the rest to stand next to Juugo and put a hand on his back, gently pushing him towards the rest of the kids. “Come over to the living room, Juugo-kun. Why don’t you tell us about your hobbies?”

Kakashi trails along after the small horde of Uzumaki, hands tucked into his pockets. He can vaguely hear Juugo saying something about birds, in a voice so small he has to strain to catch it, but it’s a start. They’ll get him out of that shell yet.

That said… five kids and counting. Sure, Shin is basically a small adult right now, but it’s still a lot of two kunoichi that aren’t even twenty-five yet.

Ah well.

It’s not Kakashi’s problem.

(If he says it often enough, maybe it’ll even come true.)

* * *

[1] While I’m not an expert on the Japanese queer scene, I did minor in the language, so here’s the rundown on how translation convention applies to this fic:

Japanese does not have gendered third person pronouns, so what you’d usually see in a scene like this can’t really apply; the closest to a pronoun in this sense is saying “that man/woman/person” rather than “he/she/they.” The first person pronoun I is gendered in a variety of ways (you can look up charts), but that is a personal decision and not something that acquaintances would need to ask about to correctly gender their friends, since the acquaintance isn’t the one doing the gendering. Within the confines of the narration, I’ll adjust pronouns as the scene demands, but I won’t be having anyone ask about gendered pronouns for genderfluid or questioning characters, because pronouns in Japanese just don’t function that way.

Conversely, honorifics _are_ gendered in a variety of ways. Some, like -san and -sama, are gender-neutral and can be used for anyone above a certain age or importance. Others, primarily those used for children or specific titles (e.g. -hime is princess), are heavily gendered. The two that are most relevant to this scene are -chan and -kun.

-chan: primarily feminine, but flexible in regards to age, relation, and preference. For intance, you call toddlers -chan; switching to -kun for the boys is like "oh, you're a big kid now, you get to go to preschool!" Calling a girl -chan is normal if you are close to them, if they prefer it, and if they’re the same age as you. If they _aren’t_ close to you, and are older than like five, then addressing them with -chan can come across as overly familiar and, if the speaker is an older man, creepy and predatory. If not close and above a certain age, the girl can be addressed with -san by peers and -kun by older people.

-kun: primarily masculine, but flexible in regards to age, relation, and preference. Peers should still use -san if not close, but -kun can be used by most older people and those close. However, -kun can also be used for girls and young women, either as a way to maintain polite social distance (e.g. a manager at a convenience store addressing a high-school girl who just got a part-time job who finds -san to be too stuffy), or for tomboys who prefer somewhat masculine forms of address.

[2] Because I’m sure this’ll come up eventually: the Naruto wiki lists the ryō as being based on a form of payment that was in use prior to the Meiji period. One ryō is about ten yen, and one yen is about the same as 0.01 USD. So ten ryō equals a hundred yen equals one US dollar. This doesn’t necessarily line up realistically some of the sums seen in the show, but quite frankly, Kishimoto’s math makes me want to cry sometimes, so I’m sticking with this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning on that specific ship to come up but I guess??? If you're both screwed over by the same guy, it's a point of connection to bitch about? And sometimes sex happens? IDK I'm going to stick with "they're friends with benefits" unless they make MORE decisions on their own.


	9. Somehow Grumpier than Kanna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Uzumaki! Kind of. It's complicated. (And nobody's explaining anything to Kakashi.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: references to off-screen sexual elements, poisoning, paranoia, conspiracy, canon-typical threats of violence, references to eye-related medical acts

The hospital is an anxiety-inducing place at the best of times.

Nobody, especially shinobi, really has _exclusively great memories_ at the hospital. There are _some_ memories that can qualify, especially childbirths, and he’s sure a bunch of the medics have ambivalently normal memories of their jobs, and probably admin are okay, and _sure_ a bunch of people probably have great memories of relief to be healed or cured, but. Like. _Generally_ it’s just an anxious place.

Kakashi’s spent a lot of time in a bed. He’s spent as much time at someone else’s bedside. Kakashi’s learned to spend as little time as possible inside the hospital, because it smells like death and terror and a whole lot of stuff that he is definitely not okay with. He’ll meet Sakura at the door when they do lunch, or he’ll go inside for a few hours if he needs to do a physical or visit an injured comrade or get his own issues fixed up, and Kakashi’s figured that if he just goes straight to Sakura, he can cut down on that time significantly.

So when Kakashi gets poisoned on a mission, his first thought upon getting back to the village is _Not Safe._

His brain does not have the coherency to tell him what, exactly, isn’t safe, except maybe everything?

Gai is safe. Kakashi’s apartment is Safe. His dogs are Safe. The Uzumaki house is safe, and maybe Kurenai, and probably Tenzō’s house if he’s home. The gates to the village are Not Safe, so Kakashi sneaks over the wall instead of checking in with the guard.

Kakashi is bleeding out, so he has to pause and lean against said wall to catch his breath and make sure his guts aren’t spilling out. This is, to his mind, normal.

The hospital is Not Safe.

Kakashi doesn’t have the brainpower to realize this is wrong. Kakashi just thinks about going to the hospital and immediately panics, because what if there are medics that are still loyal to Danzō? Or spies? What if one of them _tries to kill him_ instead of helping him and he’s too out of it to notice? Then he won’t be able to protect Konoha and Naruto and it won’t even be because he died on a mission to protect a teammate, it’s going to be because he _did something stupid and went to the hospital._

Oh hell. The Hokage Tower is _also full of spies, probably._

Later, Kakashi will look back on this train of thought and tell himself that, while ostensibly true, he’d normally have been able to rationalize that he’s reported to the Hokage and been treated at the hospital often enough to consider these risks negligible in the face of his impending, if slow, exsanguination.

Unfortunately, Kakashi is bleeding out and full of a poison that, among many other fun effects, greatly increases his paranoia. Kakashi is ANBU, which means his paranoia is already screaming at him at all times, so this is not something anyone would call optimal. No poison is optimal, of course, but as far as cognitive effects go, ‘increased paranoia’ is kind of terrible for a shinobi.

Kakashi decides that the best course of action is to find a safe place to recuperate, and the only medics that aren’t making his brain panic live together.

So Kakashi heads for the Uzumaki house.

He sneaks through the village, every nerve ending blaring an alarm, every sound too loud and every light too bright. He thinks himself lucky that nobody smells the blood he’s dripping all over the place, and hardly notices that his vision is starting to spot. This is mostly because he is very suddenly convinced that someone has indeed smelled his blood and is tracking him and _that someone is probably Root._

Poison, for the record, is not a very pleasant experience, whether paralytic or psychoactive or just the good old standby of ‘shutting down all your organs in increasingly horrifying ways.’

Kakashi crawls in through an open kitchen window, the wards quietly letting him in as a Trusted Friend. He misses the counter with his good arm, because he managed to forget that this window is right above the sink, and manages to knock over a handful of dishes drying on the rack with a wildly flailing leg.

He lays on the ground for a moment, dazed, and struggles to his feet just as a handful of chakra signatures show up. The back of his mind wars against itself as to whether the people in question are enemies or not, because he can’t trust anyone right now, there’s definitely a whole bunch of people who want him for his bounty, or his Sharingan, or his body, and he’s not sure if—oh. Pink.

Pink is safe, right?

“Kakashi, what the _hell?”_ Sakura bites out, hands already green and running over him. “Literally _why?”_

Kanna’s voice echoes vaguely in the background. “Karin, go back to bed, it’s fine.”

“But—”

“Bed. Now.”

Sakura’s swearing under her breath, more rude words and phrases than Kakashi’s ever heard come out of her mouth before, and she’s asking Kanna for things like bowls of clean water and bandages. Kakashi’s still halfway convinced that this isn’t a good thing—what if they’re imposters?—but he’s also not entirely conscious and can’t escape anymore, so there’s that.

“Well, at least I figured out why he came here,” Sakura mutters. “Kanna, can you help me get him to the couch? I don’t want to stop healing but we really need to get him off the floor. Lay down a towel or something.”

“Of all the things to interrupt date night—”

“Kanna!”

“What? It’s _true.”_

“Maybe save it for when he’s not dying on the linoleum.”

“Sakura, babe, he’s got _you._ He’s going to be fine.”

“Still, though.”

Sakura gets the poison out of his system before he passes out, and Kakashi flushes with embarrassment once he starts to realize what he’s done.

“Well,” Sakura says brightly, “I’m glad you trusted us, at least!”

Kanna glares at him, and when Kakashi registers the messy hair and very new bruises on Sakura’s neck, he realizes what, exactly, he interrupted.

“I’ll try not to let it happen again?” Kakashi offers. “Um. I don’t think I—”

“It was the poison, I know,” Sakura dismisses easily. “I recognized the one they used. The paranoia is… hard to get past.”

That’s an understatement.

“Besides,” Sakura says, brightening up. “I was _definitely_ the best option for patching up that gut wound.”

Kanna pouts and comes over to Kakashi’s head. Before he can question it, she lifts up his torso, sits down, and drops his head on her lap.

“Ow,” Kakashi says, because despite Sakura’s ongoing healing, he’s still injured. Sudden movements are a no-no.

“Shut up,” Kanna huffs, digging her fingers into Kakashi’s hair and, for _some fucking reason,_ starting to massage his scalp. “I’m not getting back to sleep—”

“That’s not what we were doing and he obviously noticed.”

“— _anyway,”_ Kanna finishes, with a spike of chakra that Sakura just rolls her eyes at. “Can we not talk about it? In front of him? Like, for the sake of my dignity?”

“What dignity?” Sakura asks. Kakashi’s vaguely sure she’s working on a scratched rib.

“Rude,” Kanna accuses, but Kakashi’s kind of distracted by the fact that she’s moved to stroking his head like a dog. Or a cat? Kanna seems like a cat person.

“You knew that when you married me,” Sakura sniffs.

Kakashi ends up falling asleep, possibly passing out, before he can process Kanna’s response.

\--

Kakashi is aware, for many reasons, that Kanna is an expert in fuuinjutsu, and quickly approaching Seal Master status. She’s too clever by half, creative in her own way, and more than willing to sit down and work out the numbers for hours. Uzumaki Kanna is not a textbook Uzumaki, but she exemplifies the parts that matter, for all that they’re hidden under a burning resentment and biting wit.

Kanna is mean. She’s unpleasant. She’s rude. She’s irreverent. She’s short-tempered and secretive and all too fond of oversharing her traumas _just enough_ to get people to leave her the fuck alone.

Despite this, Kakashi considers her a friend, because that acerbic personality is fun to jab back and forth with, and she pokes him for babysitting help often enough that exposure has dulled her rough edges.

(Uzumaki Sakura is, for all her pleasant kindness, far harder to read, and Kakashi is still coming to terms with that.)

This is all to say, of course, that Kakashi isn’t actually _that_ surprised when he comes by the Uzumaki house one afternoon and finds a new adult, with hair that’s closer to Kushina’s scarlet than Kanna and Karin’s hot pink, and a deep frown that immediately says ‘I’m even grumpier than Kanna, and if you try to test me on that, I’ll prove it.’ The man in question is sitting at the kitchen island, glaring down at some yakitori, and poking it with a fork instead of chopsticks for some unfathomable reason.

“Well, this is unexpected,” Kakashi says. An idle thought pops into his head, and while it’s not _likely,_ it’s just possible enough that it works for a joke. “Kanna-chan, have you been playing mad scientist again?”

“Eat shit and die,” she responds, and there isn’t even any heat in her words. Progress!

“Yes, fuck you,” Kakashi answers cheerily, and takes a seat next to the mystery guest. “I’m guessing you’re an Uzumaki she found out in the barren wilderness?”

The man bares his teeth in an approximation of a grin. “You could say that.”

“But should I?” Kakashi presses.

“Introduce yourself, asshole,” Kanna calls over at him. She’s focused on a cookbook, now that Kakashi bothers to look. “Both of you.”

Are they both the asshole in this scenario? Probably. Kakashi shrugs and inclines his head in a half-hearted approximation of a bow. “Hatake Kakashi, pleased to meet you.”

The man eyes him carefully, and then grunts. “Uzumaki Kurama. I’ll be sticking around for a bit.”

“If you behave,” Kanna says.

Kurama snarls wordlessly at her, acting more like a feral animal than a person. He looks older than Kanna and Kakashi by a decade or more, which is saying quite a bit when the man is an Uzumaki and slow to age. Kakashi notes the deep tan to his skin, and orange eyes that border on gold and don’t look quiet hu—ah. Slit pupils. That would do it. The Uzumaki parent mixed with another clan, or a particularly isolated village. Maybe even a samurai that somehow got hold of a particular summons contract for long enough that the family started showing traits.

The man is covered in scars, too, the kind that show he’s been around the block enough times that dozens of others would have died.

Kakashi thinks this man was probably old enough to be a shinobi back when Uzushio fell, if only a genin.

Feral might really be the right word.

“Any idea how you two are related?” Kakashi asks lightly.

“We think he’s closer to Kushina’s branch than mine,” Kanna says. She doesn’t look up from the cookbook, and her tone is… light. Falsely so. “You can see it in the face, yeah?”

Kurama’s lip curls in distaste, but Kakashi can see it. The jawline is wider than Kanna or Karin’s, the nose flatter, the eyes set lower and with a stronger brow. Kurama looks closer to Naruto than anything, and—yeah. Kushina’s face plus testosterone would get something approaching Kurama, probably.

“Makes sense,” Kakashi says. “Where’d she find you?”

Kurama does that thing with his mouth again, baring his teeth in what Kakashi thinks is _supposed_ to be a grin but doesn’t quite make it. “The Uzumaki Temple of Masks.”

“That…” Kakashi trails off, frowning. “That’s just outside Konoha.”

“You think it’s the only one?” Kurama asks, pressing forward with that same not-grin, and Kakashi leans back.

Er.

“Well, I’m not going to challenge the expert,” Kakashi says, which is the most diplomatic answer he can think of. “So… I’m guessing you’re not a civilian?”

Kurama’s face twitches, and he growls under his breath. “I’m… on parole.”

On parole.

On—on _parole?_

“What did you _do?”_ Kakashi asks, because he’d _know_ if this man was a nukenin, and Kakashi hasn’t heard of any recent Incidents-With-A-Capital-I that could have resulted in him having a criminal record that Konoha cares about.

“It’s classified,” Kanna says, before Kurama can get a word out. “He knows what he did, and that’s all that matters.”

“I didn’t do _jackshit_ and you know it,” Kurama snaps.

Kanna finally looks up from her futzing about at the counter and raises a brow. “Uh-huh.”

“I didn’t!”

“I’m not saying there weren’t a whole lot of mitigating circumstances, but…” Kanna trails off. “You know what, no, we already had this conversation, I’m not hashing it out _again_ in front of Hatake.”

Kurama snarls at her again, baring actual literal fangs, sharper than Kakashi’s own, and Kakashi wonders if maybe biting is just a _thing_ with the Uzumaki that happened to skip Kushina.

“Anyway,” Kanna huffs. “He can’t go anywhere except the house without me for the foreseeable future.”

“Not even with Sakura?” Kakashi prods.

“Nope,” Kanna says, and there’s an air of smugness. “Frankly, we’re lucky we managed even this much.”

“Witch,” Kurama grumbles.

“Yeah, you got the first letter wrong there,” Kanna drawls.

Kakashi looks between them for a moment, and then decides to take the risk, “Maa, he’s grumpier than you are, Kanna-chan!”

Kanna snorts, but _Kurama_ actually takes a swipe at Kakashi, and his fingers are tipped with claws. The motion is slow and uncoordinated, but there’s an odd sort of power behind it. It’s easy to dodge, no chance of it connecting, but if it _had_ connected, then Kakashi is rather sure it would have left more than just a bruise, even as half-assed as it was.

Weird.

“So,” Kakashi says, and finally remembers where he’s heard the name before. “When Gaara-kun asked Kanna-chan to thank someone called Kurama for their help…”

“Ugh,” Kurama scoffs. “Yeah. That was me. Shit happened.”

“Did it, now.”

“Yeah, wanna make something of it?” Kurama demands.

“I’ve got chains,” Kanna sing-songs, and Kurama immediately settles down. “Seriously, stop picking fights.”

“It’s in my nature.”

“Bullshit,” Kanna snorts.

Kakashi hums, wondering if he can sneak a glass of water or if Kanna will tell him to leave the cupboards alone. “I suppose if I ask how Kurama was involved when we never saw him—”

“Classified,” Kanna says.

“Figured,” Kakashi sighs. “Kanna-chan, you keep so many secrets, right out in the open. It makes me worry.”

“I keep the small, baby-sized secrets out in the open,” Kanna tells him. “The big, grown-up secrets are eight levels of Hell No.”

“Grown-up secrets as in—”

“No,” Kanna says. “If you insinuate that again, I’m throwing an egg at you.”

Kakashi wonders about that for a moment, and then looks out the window at the chicken coop they’d gotten a few weeks ago for Juugo’s preferred hobby of ‘talking to birds, who apparently talk back.’

Kanna had told Juugo that unfertilized eggs were basically just chicken periods, and while it was gross to think about, collecting the eggs was no more harmful than, like, collecting menstrual blood. Kakashi hadn’t quite gagged at that, but it was… not a fun way to explain things. Technically correct! But gross.

Juugo had explained very carefully to his new pet chickens that without a rooster around, their eggs wouldn’t hatch, so could the humans have them instead? The chickens had agreed in exchange for superior nesting materials and occasional gourmet feed.

Kakashi wondered how many people in the Elemental Nations had negotiated pay rates with their livestock. Probably not many. Whatever. It kept Juugo happy and kept eggs on the table, at a rate that apparently meant Kanna had enough eggs to spare one on throwing it at Kakashi’s head.

(Kakashi doesn’t ask about where Kurama came from or why he’s here, after that first conversation. The man disappears sometimes, but neither Kanna nor Sakura are ever worried by it. They always tell him it’s all under control, and the Hokage just sighs and tells Kakashi not to worry about it.)

(Kakashi finds out that while Kurama tolerates the rest of the family and a handful of others, the only person he actually _likes_ is Naruto. Kakashi wonders if the relation is perhaps closer than theorized, but…)

(Well, there’s only so much he can guess at before it becomes a moot point.)

\--

“I wonder when he’s going to run out of patience.”

Kakashi looks up from his drink to meet Genma’s eyes. He blinks. “Hm?”

Genma shrugs, the kind of easy motion of a man who’s returning from an easier-than-expected mission and has absolutely no worries about his safety. Kakashi was _on_ that mission, so he entirely gets that, and it’s why he agreed to go out for drinks in the first place.

“Hokage-sama,” Genma clarifies. “He’s putting up with way more than I expected from the Uzumaki ladies. Mostly Kanna. Sometimes there are meetings and he asks for ANBU to wait outside the privacy seals, but we can still hear the shouting, even if we can’t understand it.”

“Should you be telling me this?”

Genma shrugs. “Anyone who walks past the doors can hear it. Not exactly a secret.”

Fair enough. “If Hokage-sama has started yelling at them, I rather imagine that he’s already run out of patience.”

“Ah, that’s the rub,” Genma says. “The one yelling is Kanna.”

Kakashi blinks at that. “Uh.”

“Yeah.”

“I know she doesn’t exactly bother with niceties, but yelling at the Hokage seems a little…”

“Yeah.”

“…unwise,” Kakashi decides.

“Yep,” Genma says. He takes a sip of the swill from Kusa, and lets his eyes drift over the dingy bar they decided to go to for the night. “Sometimes I wonder what the hell makes them so indispensable, and then I remember that wondering that about an Uzumaki probably isn’t good for my health.”

Kakashi snorts because, well, yeah. He has the same approach sometimes. “Sakura’s the best surgeon at the hospital and trained by Tsunade herself. That’s a pretty strong argument, I think.”

“Yeah, but Kanna’s the one causing all the trouble,” Genma groans. “Gah, I really shouldn’t be thinking about this. Those girls got _Danzō_ black-bagged. I still can’t figure out how they got that influence.”

“It wasn’t influence, just… evidence,” Kakashi says. Saying more might not be, well, legal. “I was there.”

Genma grimaces, but nods. “Still, yelling at the Hokage the way she does is—nobody gets away with that except the Sannin and his old teammates. It’s only happened twice, but like _hell_ is that normal, right?”

He’s not wrong.

Kakashi doesn’t actually know what to say to that.

“Maybe it’s for Naruto’s sake,” Kakashi says, though the excuse is weak to his own ears. “Granted, if it was just that, she’d have probably gotten at least some cuts in funding by now…”

There’s a possible balancing act, there, but Kakashi’s pretty sure that Kanna isn’t the type to threaten to reveal Naruto’s parentage to the world just to get her way. It’s got to be something important, because Kakashi’s seen her try to compromise when for even moderately important things, like saving Juugo. She’s clever in how she goes about her goals, but Kakashi’s pretty sure she’s not bullying anyone other than her actual direct subordinates, and that’s usually about things like lab safety.

“Maybe it’s like Orochimaru,” Genma mutters, and Kakashi shoots him a look.

“Careful,” is all he says.

“Not like that,” Genma sighs, waving Kakashi’s tension off with one tired hand. “I meant that maybe her research is more vital or complicated than anyone else can manage. It would make sense, probably, but I can’t think of anything that’s come out of her work yet that would count.”

Kakashi wonders about that.

“You’ve got an idea,” Genma says.

“It’s not one I’m _happy_ with,” Kakashi says. “I don’t—I hate it, alright?”

“Spit it out.”

“…Danzō’s research, especially the parts that came from Orochimaru, had to go somewhere,” Kakashi mumbles. “If Hokage-sama thought any of it was worth salvaging…”

Genma flinches. “Yeah. That’s—yeah, okay, I can see why that idea fucks you up.”

That’s good, because Kakashi doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“So,” Genma says, sly and obnoxious. “Did you hear that Asuma’s coming back?”

Kakashi grins.

\--

Sakura doesn’t… get angry.

Not in front of the kids.

Not in public either, usually.

Kanna’s joked a few times that Sakura’s temper has a longer fuse and burns all the hotter for it, but only because she cut the line herself.

Kakashi hasn’t seen evidence of it yet, but he believes her.

Still, a school day that coincides with Sakura’s off-time usually means sitting down with some tea and talking about nothing for a few hours.

It doesn’t mean hissed cursing and general agitation from the second Kakashi steps past the wards.

It’s not a comfortable vibe, really. He’s glad the kids aren’t here. Especially Karin and Juugo.

Kakashi isn’t even that good of a sensor.

“Hey asshole,” Kurama greets. The man is sitting next to Sakura at the counter, and he looks _incredibly_ bored. “Feel like helping us fuck with the laws of space-time?”

“Shut _up,”_ Sakura hisses.

Kakashi blinks at her. He’s pretty sure she doesn’t notice. “Um. Is it too late to leave?”

“Yes,” Kurama says, like the dick he is. “The hell are you even doing here?”

There is a cast on Kakashi’s leg. He gestures at it. “I can’t exactly train right now. Doctor’s orders.”

Kurama looks at Sakura for a moment, because she is in fact the doctor in question, and then shrugs. “Whatever.”

“Shut uuuuuup,” Sakura whines. “Oh my god, how does she even _work_ like this?”

“Her handwriting’s better than yours,” Kurama goads.

“I’m a medic, I’m _allowed_ to have bad handwriting,” Sakura snaps. She’s still glaring at the pages on the kitchen island like it’s going to make them make sense somehow. “Holy smokes, what does this page even _do?”_

Kakashi trundles over, looks past her shoulder, and says, “huh.”

“Wild, right?” Kurama asks, with a grin that is surprisingly bloodthirsty for a bunch of complicated seal work that, as far as Kakashi can tell, have nothing to do with injuring people.

“Why can’t you just ask Kanna?” Kakashi asks, taking a seat on the remaining stool.

“She’s out on a mission,” Sakura moans. “Classified, but an S-rank team thing.”

Kurama catches Kakashi’s eye where Sakura can’t see it and mouths, ‘more kids.’

Kakashi stares at him, and then looks down at Sakura.

“Whatever he said, he’s lying,” Sakura informs Kakashi. “Ignore him, he’s—”

“Right here,” Kurama interrupts.

“Ugh,” Sakura groans. “I know medical seals and I know _some_ of the time-space stuff but this is ridiculous.”

Kakashi looks over it all. “I mean, maybe another set of eyes could help? Is there a reason this can’t wait until Kanna gets back?”

Sakura winces. “Kind of. We’re on a time-crunch, and the Hokage’s getting antsy the longer we take to get it done, because he can’t make some moves to forward international policy until we can take care of _this_ thing. Kanna was hoping I could do what you suggested and be another set of eyes myself, except I can’t untangle any of this. Time-space is one of her specialties, and I’ve only got a passing knowledge on it.”

Kakashi makes a noise and pulls the pages over. He sort of gets it. “And Jiraiya?”

“She’s got her own copy of it all with her,” Sakura says. “They’re planning to meet up on her way back.”

He makes an acknowledging noise and keeps flipping through the pages. “It’s… wait, are these chakra-sealing elements? Why do you need those?”

“A very specific, very dangerous enemy,” Sakura says. She sits up and cracks her back. “Okay, so. The enemy in question can teleport and phase through things with some kind of time-space technique using a kekkei genkai. We need to basically back him into a corner using the time-space fuuinjutsu so he can’t escape using the kekkei genkai, hopefully sort of… locking him into place, and then activating the chakra limitations so they affect him but not the other people in the trap.”

“So you’re looking to do the impossible,” Kakashi surmises. “And Kanna specializes in time-space, you said?”

Sakura wiggles a hand. “It was one of the first subjects she pushed to a Master level. I only really know medical seals at that level, but she’s got… time-space, warding, bio-chem, and Jinchuuriki.”

Living up to the Uzumaki legacy.

“And Kurama?” Kakashi asks, just because there’s one more person in the room.

“I’m… intuitive,” the man says, and he grimaces in a way that looks painful. “I don’t know the math behind sealing, I just know how things fit together. That works for the chakra sealing, but it’s not going to help with the time-space. Those are almost always math to the core.”

Chakra-sealing, even for an entire room, isn’t actually the most difficult thing in the world. It gets harder the more powerful the trapped individual is—it’s part of why handling Juugo took so long—but it’s not the most difficult branch of sealing if you know _who_ your sealing. Adjustments have to be made for things like chakra type and extant seals on their person, and various other little wiggly bits, but it can be done.

Time-space fuuinjutsu is a nightmare, and there’s a reason Kakashi never even tried to inherit the Hiraishin from his teacher.

Still. Kakashi doesn’t have anything better to do, really, so he might as well take a look at this.

“How long have you been working on this?” Kakashi asks, flipping through a few more papers.

“Kanna-chan’s been working on it since before we came to Konoha,” Sakura says. “Probably two years now? She’d work on something to keep Kurama here with us whenever she got stuck on the time-space thing, but she finished that a few weeks ago, so… now we’re just mucking about with this.”

“And the Zetsu thing,” Kurama says.

“And the Zetsu thing,” Sakura sighs.

Kakashi processes that for a moment, and then looks up. “Wait.”

“Hm?” Sakura asks, blinking at him with flat black eyes.

“Why would you need a seal to keep Kurama here?” Kakashi asks. “You’re not—you’re not a ghost from Uzushio or something, right? Because I know there were rumors about Senju Tobirama bringing back the dead with fuuinjutsu, but—”

“I’m not a ghost,” Kurama says flatly. “Of all the things to ask, why _that?”_

“Well, what _else_ could it be?” Kakashi asks.

“Classified,” Sakura says, which is patently unfair.

He ignores them both for a few minutes, just paging through Kanna’s notes and theories and thumbnails, sketched out in pencil for safety’s sake. Kakashi pages through everything a few times before reordering it in a way that he _hopes_ will make it all make more sense. He starts from the top, gets halfway, and then starts over.

“Hellish, isn’t it?” Kurama asks, with a too-white, too-wide grin.

“I thought I left calculus behind years ago,” Kakashi admits. “I’m still trying to figure out how the fractals figure in. She’s got them on at least three pages but I can’t figure out why.”

“Rerouting,” Kurama says.

Kakashi looks up, and blinks, and Kurama shrugs.

“One of the options she was considering was making it so that if he tried to teleport out, he’d just teleport back in again instead. If we can’t turn the teleporting out and phasing into something that feels like running into a brick wall, than we can turn it into a door that opens back up into the exact same room you started in. From what she said, the fractals are… related to approaching a limit, graphically.”

Oh. That actually makes some degree of sense. Sakura looks annoyed, in the way that only someone who’s used to working with squishy and ambiguously defined things can be.

Kakashi flips through again, and starts asking for clarification whenever he gets stuck on something. The fact that there are different branches of theories for _options_ instead of a million things that are all supposed to factor into the same, singular seal makes things easier.

Sakura’s leg starts bouncing after a certain point.

She bites her lip.

She finally turns to Kakashi and asks, “Can I have a sample of your aqueous humor?”

“My—no!”

Kurama pinches the bridge of his nose and looks like he’s about eighty miles past ‘done.’

Sakura just winces. “Sorry. I’m—there’s a reason. I promise. I could probably make do with a few cells, and we could… _maybe_ get that just with tears, but I’d be leery of that route since it would involve contamination with your own DNA when what we really need is the Sharingan, but—”

“Stop,” Kakashi says, and Sakura’s mouth snaps shut. “You want. A cell sample. Of my Sharingan.”

“…if it’s no trouble,” Sakura says, and her voice is almost meek.

Kakashi looks past her. “Do you know what this is about?”

“Yep,” Kurama says. “Honestly, we could probably skip this if we just went with sealing the asshole for eternity instead of trying to _talk to him—”_

Sakura’s hand snaps out, grabbing Kurama’s jaw and tensing. She doesn’t even look up from where her eyes are still focused on a spot on the floor, somewhere past Kakashi’s left knee. “You know why we can’t do that.”

“Let go of—”

“You _know we can’t do that.”_

“If you don’t—”

“And _what would Naruto say?”_

“Alright!” Kurama shouts, and Sakura lets go of him. “Dammit, I thought you were supposed to be playing nice.”

Sakura glares at him, holds up a hand, and pretends to squeeze something. “Thump-a-thump.”

Another grimace. “I remember, alright. I’m not saying you—”

“Then stop _suggesting I’m not taking it seriously,”_ Sakura hisses. “He’s useful. There are ways. There’s a plan. We _talk,_ because _everything_ will be easier if we can get him on our side. Eternal sealing is for Zetsu. That’s. It.”

Kurama glares at her. “Hidan.”

“And Hidan, if he doesn’t get himself destroyed some other way.”

They glare at each other for a few long, unbroken moments that Kakashi feels should probably have been broken by someone. Not him, preferably, but there is no other ‘someone’ around.

“I feel like I’m missing a lot of context,” he says, and both parties deflate. “I have no idea who ‘he’ is. Or Zetsu. Or Hidan. None of these names mean anything to me.”

“It doesn’t—it doesn’t matter,” Sakura sighs. “We just need to figure out the seal. Or at least _something_ we can give Kanna to work off of.”

Kakashi looks to Kurama to see if he has anything to say.

The man meets his eyes, calculating without even hiding it, and then says, “Zetsu’s my uncle. Not on the Uzumaki side. He’s completely insane—”

“Not clinically,” Sakura interjects.

“—and completely evil,” Kurama finishes, ignoring Sakura entirely. “Whatever the worst villain you can think of is, Zetsu’s worse.”

Kakashi blinks slowly, because he’s met plenty of horrifying people, and heard of even more.

Sakura shakes her head. “He’s right. Zetsu’s after global annihilation, and he’s almost got the power to make it happen. Ten, _maybe_ fifteen years. Probably less.”

Oh. That’s. Uh.

Well, shit.

“Be careful where you throw that name around, Hatake,” Kurama grumbles, and he looks half-asleep until Kakashi parses the tension in his shoulders and the curl to his lip. “He has a habit of knowing when people are talking about him, and there are very few people who are supposed to know he even exists.”

Sakura does not dispute this.

“Right!” Kakashi eye-smiles at them. “Well, then let’s figure out this nightmare of a seal to see if we can get that unnamed ‘he’ on our side like you said.”

\--

Kanna does not come home with one new kid.

She comes home with several dozen.

(Turns out _most_ of Orochimaru’s bases are stuffed to the brim with children.)

(Kakashi can’t say he’s actually surprised. At least a lot of _these_ ones were just local kids that were kidnapped or bribed. There are treaties Kakashi isn’t meant to know about that end up meaning that some of those kids, especially the bribed ones, are getting moved right over to Yugakure, the nearest of the hidden villages. Yugakure is pretty much a pacifist country these days, and any kid that just wants a job and didn’t know what they were getting into can go protect roads for tourists or whatever.)

(Unfortunately, some of these teenagers are rather loyal to Orochimaru.)

(Violently so.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not saying most of the Kurama visuals were stolen from blackkat, but I'm not saying there wasn't SOME influence, you know?
> 
> Also, I've been dying to get the Castlevania reference in there, so.


	10. Seals, Sake, and Similarities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, things are calm. Not for very long, granted, but still. Calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: references to medical malpractice, references to medical imprisonment, references to sexual activity (FMK-style party games), alcohol usage in a relatively controlled setting

Kakashi isn’t there for the fight. He hears about it later, but in bits and pieces. Passing T&I members, awkwardly waiting lab assistants, a desk ninja who’d come down to grab a signature for an upcoming budget meeting. Kurama.

_“Give me one good reason why I shouldn't cut you open from—”_

_“Anko, please. It’s fine, I have an—”_

_“YOU’VE GOT A KID IN A TUBE, KANNA.”_

From what Kakashi gathers, it’s an unfortunate coincidence of bad timing and traumas.

_“Anko, just calm down, I can explain. It’s—”_

_“It’s the exact shit Sensei used to pull, don’t tell me to CALM DOWN—”_

He’s warned away from R&D for… not forever, obviously, but at least a few days. Apparently there’s a whole lot of broken glass and toxic fumes and generally concerning and deadly invisible things. The kind he hasn’t been personally trained to handle.

_“He’s DYING, Anko.”_

_“Explain.”_

_“He’s got—I think it’s kekkei genkai related, but I’m still working on it. He’s loyal to Orochimaru,_ violently _loyal, and it’s either induced coma or heavily-warded prison cell for him. He’s going to be dead by twenty, but if he pushes it and keeps using his bones, it’ll be closer to fifteen. I’ve ruled out tumors but now it’s looking more like it’s an issue with the bone marrow exacerbated by forced regrowth.”_

_“So the tube is—”_

_“For his own safety. Kind of. Like I said, it’s either this or a cell, and this is less likely to exacerbate his condition. I’d like it best if I could tie him to a hospital bed and just have him_ willingly _stick around, but that’s not happening, so… tube.”_

_“And why are you so dedicated to helping some random kid of Orochimaru’s?”_

_“You mean_ other _than him not even being twelve yet? He was Juugo’s best friend. I made a promise.”_

There’s also a whole lot that’s being hushed up, too.

_“And the cells?”_

_“The—oh. You recognize—”_

_“I know what they feel like. You_ forget—”

_“I don’t forget, I just—Anko. Please trust me? They’re for Sakura, and I’m not experimenting on anything alive. It’s—we’re treating them like stem cells. The Hokage approved it, I’ve got prior research to work off of, I’m doing it properly, I swear.”_

_“They’re goddamn Sho—”_

_“I KNOW. I know. I just… can’t have anyone_ else _knowing. It’s a delicate process and I’m not even aiming for the full thing, just a really specific health benefit.”_

_“I want to know.”_

_“It’s an S-rank secret, Anko.”_

_“Then take me to the Hokage and I’ll get_ him _to tell me.”_

Yeah.

Kakashi’s not sure he wants to know, either.

\--

Here is what Kakashi knows about the Uzumaki kids and fuuinjutsu:

Juugo does not know sealing, but is trying to learn what he can about the seals that make it safe for him to be around people.

Shin isn’t very good at sealing, but is trying to learn what he can to keep his younger siblings from blowing themselves up.

Sai isn’t very good at coming up with seals, but can understand and copy down existing seals with near-perfect accuracy.

Naruto and Karin are going to destroy something and call it a success and Kakashi fears their eventual power.

Naruto’s normal seals look a heck of a lot like what Kushina used to draw up while drunk. Naruto’s seals are messy and confusing but _work,_ and half the time nobody can figure out how or why. This includes Naruto, who has on more than one occasion responded to ‘what did you even _do’_ with ‘I dunno, it’s been a few hours and I got distracted trying to figure out that chakra control exercise Nee-chan taught me, I think I was trying to make a paint bomb seal?’

Karin takes after Kanna, in that her seals are about 90% math. The little girl is average at skills like ninjutsu and taijutsu, her weapons-handling is decidedly meh, and her genjutsu is almost pitiable. Unfortunately for anyone she ever decides to fight, however, she’s being raised by a medic and a scientist, and the girl’s been able to do basic calculus since she turned ten. She’s not a shinobi genius, really, not the way Kakashi or Itachi were. She’s quick, but she’s incredibly _average_ in actual fights right now. Potential, but nothing particularly impressive.

She’s a genius for other things, though. Sensing and seals and science. Things that are probably going to get her squirreled away with Intel or R&D after she graduates.

And when Naruto makes a seal that looks like it was slapped down by a drunk squirrel, Karin dismantles it.

It’s like watching an experienced knitter untangle a ball of yarn that a kitten played with. Karin pokes and prods and writes bits down, asking Naruto ‘what was this part supposed to do?’ and ‘why did you add this sign?’ until she gets an answer that fits, and she usually has an entire chart and process written out within the hour.

Naruto comes up with a seal beyond sanity. Karin drags it out back, beats it up, and makes it make sense. Sai copies it out, over and over and over again.

Karin is being raised by a medic and a scientist. They all are. Repeat testing to confirm results is _crucial._ The experiment needs to be replicated.

“Okay,” the Sandaime sighs, rubbing at his forehead. “Explain to me how and why the gravity in Training Ground 35 is pointing _North.”_

“I let Kurama babysit,” Kanna says.

It’s a terrible explanation.

Everyone knows it.

Kakashi is aware that they managed to interrupt the debrief of Asuma’s first mission upon returning to the village. He thinks Asuma’s not too upset by that.

“The kids made some seals and wanted to test them,” Kanna finally says. “Sakura and I were at work. Apparently, the tests were successful.”

Kakashi wonders if any of these seals are going to be distributed for combat applications.

“How did they cover an _entire training ground?”_ the Sandaime asks.

“Sai likes ink,” Kanna says, which is, technically, an answer. “Copied out dozens of the thing.”

“What’s the usual area of effect?” Kakashi asks, unable to help himself.

“If Sai charges it? Maybe a meter in any given direction. If Naruto charges it? Maybe ten. Energy expenditure is cubic on this thing. Doubling the area means octupling the amount of energy stuffed into the tag.”

Unfortunate, that. Sensible, but unfortunate.

“We could leave them up,” Kakashi suggested. “Interesting training, at least.”

“The tags are going to run out of energy pretty soon,” Kanna says drily. “I’m guessing fading effects over the course of a week or two.”

“Get out of my office,” the Sandaime says. He rubs at his forehead in unconcealed irritation. “Kakashi, I was hoping you’d _stop_ this sort of thing.”

Kakashi shrugs as he heads for the door. “I can’t imagine why.”

\--

“You’re his favorite, you know.”

Kakashi looks up from the tsukemen he's been considering. “Hm?”

Tsume shrugs. “Hana likes to gossip. She’s very fond of that Shin kid, thinks he needs more friends.”

He does.

“And I’m…”

“Apparently, of all the adults in his life, Shin’s decided you’re his favorite,” Tsume says, with the kind of sharp grin that Kakashi has long since learned to be wary of. “I’m sure you can guess why.”

He _can,_ but… “That’s a terrible decision.”

Tsume laughs at him. “Aw, is little Kakashi-chan embarrassed that someone decided to look up to him?”

“More like concerned,” Kakashi says. “I’m a _terrible_ role model. Somebody save these kids from me. Send me on a mission to Iron Country for the next six months so they can recover.”

“Don’t be dramatic,” Tsume says, rolling her eyes and jabbing in his general direction with her chopsticks. He grabs at them, but she pulls her hand and utensils out of reach in time. “You got out of Root and are semi-functional. You introduced him to Hana, who’s managed to become his best friend. The kid looks up to you because you’ve been through similar shit and come out in a position to make friends and gain a _positive_ reputation. Own it.”

“I should _never_ be put in charge of a child’s mental health,” Kakashi says, because he can totally babysit, but mental health? No. He can push kids in the right direction and all, but he’s not a therapist. He is, in fact, someone who regularly _needs_ a therapist, and Kurenai’s going to be finishing her stint in the psych division in a few months and Kakashi is going to lose one of the few therapists he actually trusts.

He doesn’t tell Tsume this.

“Besides,” Kakashi says. “I don’t deserve the title of ‘favorite adult’ when Kanna’s freaking out about him graduating next month more than I ever could.”

This is a lie. Tsume does not call him out. “She remembers he was _Root,_ right? He’s definitely run missions before.”

Kakashi shrugs. “She gave him some emergency seals.”

“Like…”

“Transport, I think? She gave _me_ some, too,” Kakashi says. “One of them summons her, the other reverse summons the user into the Uzumaki house. They have to be tailored to the individual to a point where we can’t mass-produce them at all, but Hokage-sama is considering getting them implemented for some of the higher-level… stuff.”

“Stuff,” Tsume repeats. She shakes her head. “Alright. Whatever. I’m still pretty sure she doesn’t need to worry that much. They’re trying to push the Root kids through as normal a process as they can, right? Peacetime protocol? That kid’s going to be on D-ranks for at least two months.”

Kakashi shrugs. She’s right. There’s no need to actually say it.

Tsume looks at him for a few moments, and then grins. “Hey, Hatake?”

“…I don’t like the look on your face.”

“Don’t freak out the next time you see him.”

Wow, that is.

That is _incredibly_ concerning.

“I’ll try?”

\--

Son of a _bitch._

Actually, no. Scratch that. Just bitch, because it’s Tsume. Her son had nothing to do with this, probably.

“I think it’s cute,” Sakura says, and the smile on her face is simultaneously indulgent and incredibly mocking.

“I don’t… understand,” Kakashi says. “That’s not—you don’t—why?”

Shin looks up at Kakashi, and there is _wincing_ going on. Kanna is about to laugh at him, or she probably would be if she wasn’t too busy slamming her head into a tree.

Metaphorically. She tries not to exhibit self-destructive behaviors around the brats.

“It’s helpful to hide facial expressions,” Shin says.

“I—well, yes, but…” Kakashi trails off. “I wore it because I was born with an excessively heightened sense of smell and it helped mitigate the sensory overload. It’s not really a necessary part of daily life…”

“Aw, Kakashi-kun’s _embarrassed,”_ Sakura coos. “Shin, honey, it’s okay! Kakashi’s just sensitive.”

“I just don’t _understand,”_ Kakashi emphasizes. “It’s not a necessary thing—”

“Oh my _god,_ Hatake,” Kanna groans. “He looks up to you and you gained a mini-me, move on.”

Shin is absolutely wearing a mask that looks exactly like Kakashi’s.

The child seems confused at Kakashi’s confusion.

It’s… well, it’s certainly a thing that’s happening.

“Should I _not_ wear it?” Shin asks. His hands start creeping up to his face, and there’s a blush of ‘oh god, this was a stupid idea, I should have never considered it’ and Kakashi was not aiming for that.

“You can wear it!” he protests, panicking immediately. “I just, um, don’t want you to deal with the nonsense consequences? You kids already have some trouble with emoting, and the mask can, uh, make that whole process harder. Enough of your face is covered that you have to put more emotion in your eyes and face so your comrades can read you and you don’t accidentally insult them.”

“I see,” Shin says. He considers this for a moment, and then nods. “I shall continue to wear the mask, but I will remove it when undercover work or development of interpersonal relationships is necessary and demands emotional honesty.”

O-okay. Right.

Kakashi looks at Sakura, who apparently still thinks this is both adorable (on Shin’s part) and worthy of mockery (on Kakashi’s part). Kakashi decides that Sakura is being worse than useless, and Kakashi deserves better. He looks to Kanna instead, and she meets his gaze with grumpy resignation.

“I have to deal with _Karin,”_ Kanna reminds him. “Who has repeatedly informed me that she wants to be me when she grows up.”

“She told some of Sasuke’s classmates,” Shin volunteers. “They kept bothering her about being friends with him and how she’s clearly angling to date him, and she told them that she wants to be ‘just like Aneki’ when she grows up, and that means marrying ‘a badass kunoichi, not some dumb _boy_ , because boys have cooties and girls smell better.’ I asked her if she actually believes in cooties and she said that disease transmission isn’t gendered, but it’s good to lay it on thick if she wants younger girls to leave her alone.”

Kanna buries her face in her hands. Kakashi decides that, while Kanna is obviously going to sympathize better, she’s also going to be completely unwilling to help because she’s stuck with her own nonsense.

Kakashi puts his hands on Shin’s shoulders. “Please be better than me.”

Shin looks up at him with wide, dark grey eyes, and nods solemnly. “Hana has already told me that if she sees me reading porn in public, she will destroy me.”

Well.

Okay, then. That’s definitely one thing.

“Sure,” Kakashi says. “That too.”

\--

There’s a diplomatic envoy coming from Suna.

The Kazekage will be with them.

He’s bringing his _kids._

“Why are you freaking out?” Sakura asks. “It doesn’t really have anything to do with you, does it?”

Kakashi blinks at her. “Sakura, I’m friends with _you.”_

“…yeah?”

“And Kanna.”

“I’m aware.”

“She _fixed Gaara’s seal.”_

“All according to plan, yes.”

“And I accidentally flirted with the Kazekage—”

“You what.”

“—which means I’m probably going to run into him and it’s going to be _awkward.”_

“…Yeah, no, you never told me about accidentally flirting with the Kazekage, what did you _do?”_

\--

“—just wish I could ask sensei for help.”

Kakashi pauses at the door, wondering if he should actually enter the building, but that’s Kanna’s voice. She’ll know he’s here. There’s no way she doesn’t.

“He doesn’t even know you.”

“Yeah, but _still._ If anyone would be able to figure the Tobi bullshit out—”

“He’d kill you on sight, hun,” Sakura says, halfway between comforting and condescending. “Besides, there’s always Jiraiya. I think he knows more about space-time fuuinjutsu anyway.”

“Yeah, but he’s… difficult to work with,” Kanna grumbles. “We think completely differently, and it takes too long to get things across. The shorthand and rapport isn’t there. I mean, I was scared of sensei, but at least we understood each other.”

Kakashi knocks on the doorway to the living room and offers a little smile. “Interrupting anything?”

“Not really,” Kanna says. “The kids’ll be home soon, though.”

“So, who’s the sensei?” Kakashi asks. A twinkle enters Sakura’s eye, and Kakashi immediately walks it back. “No, wait, let me guess: classified.”

Sakura hides her mouth behind one hand and giggles.

“Ugh,” Kanna groans. “It just makes me want to zombify Tobirama or something.”

“You’re not bringing a dead Hokage back to life.”

“Just a few minutes.”

“No, that’s worse.”

Kakashi swallows, and his mouth feels dry. “You can bring back the dead?”

“It’s a kinjutsu,” Kanna says. “One I basically stole from Orochimaru. It requires live sacrifices, so while I joke about it, I’m not actually going to do it. For starters, human sacrifices. Also, illegal!”

 _“Very_ illegal,” Sakura stresses.

“I have one _very_ specific situation I’m allowed to use it in according to the Hokage, and this doesn’t qualify,” Kanna sighs.

“You’re…” Kakashi trails off, his stomach twisting around itself. “I mean… who?”

Kanna tilts her head, eyes narrowed behind her glasses, and stares at him.

“I think it’s time we change subjects,” Sakura says, voice like a cinderblock wrapped in velvet. Heavy and unmoving, but soft enough that it won’t hurt unless you do something _to_ it. “Kakashi, I hear they tried to give you another genin team, how’d that go?”

“Failed,” Kakashi says. He’s pretty sure this is going to be a long-term pattern. “I’m getting shunted back into ANBU.”

“Do you… _want_ to be in ANBU?” Sakura asks.

He looks at her. Blinks. “It would be an insult to my comrades to _not_ return, I think.”

Sakura’s face twitches towards a frown that Kakashi hates more than anything, because it means she’s about to go medic mode. “But it’s bad for your mental health, and your injuries are starting to—”

“Sakura,” Kanna says, hand on her wife’s knee. “He knows what he’s doing.”

“But—”

“I know what I’m doing,” Kakashi says, and wonders if he should get Kanna some chocolates or something. “I’m better than I was a few years ago, but I have a very clean record for mission completion, with no lost comrades. If I left ANBU, I’d have to contend with the guilt of leaving Konoha’s shinobi in less experienced hands and not saving as many as I could.”

It’s not the only reason, of course, but… it’s a good one. A big one.

Kakashi gets the enemy’s blood on his hands so he doesn’t soak in the blood of his friends.

He’s too skilled to not try to save as many comrades as he can.

“So…” Kakashi says. “Where’s Kurama?”

“Out.” Kanna’s voice is as flat as ever.

“Is that… allowed?” he asks.

“In the moment,” Sakura tells him. She looks at him for a moment, and then smiles brightly. “Who wants some tea?”

Cool, cool, cool, Kakashi isn’t getting any answers here, is he?

\--

There is something _incredibly_ fun about the opportunity to get together with shinobi his own age in relative private.

Sakura and Kanna have an entire house to themselves, and the living room is large enough to house a small party without trouble. The kids are out—mostly on a sleepover at the Inuzuka’s, with Tsume’s amused blessing—and there are, somehow, _still_ guest bedrooms and extra futons if someone ends up too drunk to go home. Most of Kakashi’s generation is still at the apartment phase, or live in a clan compound in a way that still means sharing space.

Really, it was either the Uzumakis or Asuma, and Asuma may have his own house, but it’s _cramped._

“Another round!” Anko crows, somehow unearthing another bottle of something too strong to be sake.

“A quick reminder that I’m not healing any hangovers tomorrow morning,” Sakura says, leaning into Kanna’s side to let Anko past so she can settle back between Kurenai and Tenzō.

She’s said it more than once that night, so even Anko is slowing down. It’s not that anyone was really expecting Sakura to heal them, but the regular reminders that hangovers _exist_ mean having second thoughts more often. Kanna and Gai don’t even drink at all, and while Asuma _does_ drink, his poison of choice is smoking.

Kakashi doesn’t drink much, but this house is as safe as he’s going to get, as far as any of that goes. Sakura’s making decent headway, too, and Kakashi’s fairly certain that she’s got some Weird Medic Trick to avoid getting too drunk, or to at least destroy her headache in the morning. Kurenai and Tenzō are a little more concerned with the way Anko keeps flirting with them between drinks than with keeping track of their own glasses, though, so they’re… probably a little more buzzed than intended.

Anko’s having fun.

“Okay, okay,” the woman in question says, after slinging an arm around Kurenai’s shoulder and leaning forward with _the_ most shit-eating grin Kakashi’s seen that week. “If you could fuck a nukenin, _any_ nukenin, with zero consequences… who would it be? I’ll absolutely judge you for the answer.”

Kurenai groans and buries her face in Anko’s shoulder. “I’m not playing this game again.”

Kakashi can’t help but blink, “Do we want to know what the answer was last time?”

“I don’t _have_ one,” Kurenai gripes. “Somebody back me up that this question is dumb.”

“Ah, I too find myself uncomfortable with the question,” Gai admits. “I will not be discomforted if someone else does answer! But to answer myself would be… no. I dislike such fantasizing.”

“Can there be a qualifier?” Sakura asks.

Anko tilts her head, “I mean, if the qualifier is ‘if they didn’t do this horrible thing’ then I’m gonna say no, because the entire point is that it’s criminals.”

“Can the qualifier be ‘if I didn’t kill them last year and they were still alive?’” Asuma asks. “Because there was this kunoichi from Kusa that was—I mean, she was _nuts,_ but the banter was fun and she had a _rocking_ figure.”

“Do you even know her name?” Kurenai asks, shooting him a sidelong glance.

Asuma shrugs. “I did at the time? She was a bounty, but it was a while back.”

Anko snaps her fingers and points at Asuma. “Thank you. Asuma, you’re a team player. Anyone else?”

“Momochi Zabuza,” Kakashi says. Sakura chokes on her drink, and Kanna thumps her on the back. “Oh, come on, don’t tell me none of you would.”

“Eh, it’s the teeth,” Asuma says. “I mean, also that I’m not into men, but the teeth, man. I can’t see myself going for anyone that was part of the Seven Swordsmen just on account of the teeth.”

“I can,” Anko says. “Not sure which one, but it seems like it could be fun.”

Kakashi leans past Tenzō to give Anko the high-five she deserves.

She gets him.

“Okay, can my qualifier be ‘if they actually looked their age?’” Sakura asks.

There’s a second of silence.

“Oh my god, Sakura,” Kanna says, almost growling. “Really?”

“I’m just _saying—”_

“He almost killed you!”

“I mean, yeah, but… like. His brain. His brain makes me horny.”

Anko coughs into her fist. “Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb and _hope_ you’re not talking about my dick of an old sensei.”

“I’m not!” Sakura protests. “I wouldn’t bring _him_ up in front of you. It’s just—Sasori. Akasuna no Sasori. He’s older than me, but he turned himself into a puppet when he was fifteen so he _looks_ like a teenager even if he’s actually pushing thirty. So like… if he actually _looked_ like he was in his twenties, I wouldn’t feel grossed out, but if he was still looking like a teenager it would just be like… no? No. Ick.”

“And the puppets?” Kanna prompts.

“Listen. Shut up. I’m allowed to be weird.”

Kanna rolls her eyes. “Also, let’s not pretend that you _wouldn’t_ fuck Orochimaru if he somehow turned out to _not_ be evil or got amnesia or something.”

Sakura calmly takes her wife’s glasses, grabs a pillow, and slams it into Kanna’s face.

“Ow,” Kanna deadpans. “I am offended.”

Sakura passes her the glasses back. “Let’s _not_ talk about this in front of people who _don’t want to hear about it.”_

Kakashi thinks that Anko and Tenzō look more grossed out than triggered, but they’re big kids. Younger than the rest of the group, but they’re old enough to take care of themselves. If this genuinely bothered them, they’d say something.

“What about you?” Kakashi asks, tilting his drink in Kanna’s direction.

“Kakuzu.” There is zero hesitation.

Sakura makes a face. “He’s like… ninety.”

Kakashi is far from the only one that pulls a face. There’s probably a _reason_ Kanna picked this guy, but ew. _Ew._

Asuma looks a little nauseous, actually, and Kakashi’s pretty sure it’s not the booze.

“Mid-eighties,” Kanna corrects. “But still ripped, because of the kinjutsu. Looks like he’s middle-aged, but he’s been around the block enough times to know what he’s doing.”

“Oh, so you’re after his _experience,”_ Anko teases. “I’m still judging you, but I can vibe with that.”

Kanna shrugs. “Runner-up is Hoshigaki Kisame, so make of that what you will.”

Anko looks _very_ appreciative of that one. “Less judging, definitely.”

“Thank you,” Kanna says, entirely prim.

“What about, uh, Tobi and Konan?” Sakura asks her.

“Neither one is officially a nukenin,” Kanna argues. “And the first is more your type than mine. The latter… I mean she was _technically_ a nukenin for a while? But the revolution succeeded, so like. She’s in admin for that village now.”

“But you’d do her,” Sakura prods.

“In a _heartbeat,”_ Kanna confirms.

“I have no idea who you’re talking about,” Tenzō tells them. “But I’m guessing you both have themes in all of… that.”

Kanna snorts. “Sure, we do. Sakura likes evil geniuses and I’ve decided that having a partner that looks human is overrated.”

“Now I feel like I don’t measure up,” Sakura sighs. “I’m just _too normal.”_

“Sakura-san! I am sure that your wife adores you despite your lovely and entirely human countenance!” Gai promises, flashing her a grin and a thumbs up. “Her devotion to your conventionally beautiful self knows no bounds!”

“Thanks, Gai,” Sakura says, reaching over to pat his knee. “It’s nice to know _someone’s_ got my back here.”

Kanna seems completely unfazed. “I mean, I get to know I’m exactly your type.”

“You’re not an _evil_ genius,” Sakura says with the kind of overdone pout that makes Kakashi want to laugh.

It also kind of makes him want to kiss her? Which. Uh. No. She’s literally flirting with her wife right now, _no._

Kakashi takes a sip of his drink to distract himself.

“Debatable,” Kanna says, waving a hand dismissively. “Besides, I definitely _used_ to be an evil scientist. Wasn’t a genius then, but…”

“You were also a teenager with next to zero control of her life,” Sakura says. “But that’s okay. I love you despite you not being an _evil_ genius, and you love me despite my _conventional beauty.”_

“Is this what marriage is usually like?” Asuma prods.

Sakura shrugs and drinks some of Anko’s definitely-not-sake. “I mean, pretty much.”

“Marry your best friend,” Kanna advises. “And not the boy you fell in love with at thirteen that stabbed you four years later.”

This time, _Tenzō_ is the one choking on his drink.

"To be fair, we probably would have married him too if we'd found a place willing to do throuples," Sakura points out. "He _did_ get over the crazy relatively fast."

"He also died before we decided we were _ready_ for marriage," Kanna argues.

Sakura freezes. She looks down at her drink. She sighs. "Right."

Wow. Awkward.

Uh.

“FMK,” Tenzō says. “Senju Hashirama, Senju Tobirama, Uzumaki Mito. Go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just... really needed to get my "Which Akatsuki would you fuck?" joke in. Mostly because I just. Really needed reactions to the Kakuzu thing.
> 
> ANYWAY: do you think this fic qualifies as a comedy? Humor? Crack? I want to add a tag to cover the Funny Bits but I'm not sure how out-there it is.
> 
> **EDIT: Please stop telling me your FMK answers.**


	11. Blood, Legacies, and International Gay Chicken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi: I'm babysitting you  
> Karin: The hell you are
> 
> FEATURING: the dumbest, most unnecessary, most ridiculous subplot in the history of man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm... I'm gonna be honest, the subplot introduced towards the end of the chapter started out as a bad joke, and then snowballed, because my approach to humor is apparently "poke it with a stick until it comes back around to being funny." I am earning that 'Crack Treated Seriously' tag, I guess?
> 
> WARNINGS: canon-typical injuries, biting (relevant to Karin and Kanna), discussion of widespread child neglect (Naruto's childhood), references to sexual activity, primarily discussing whether one can seduce a third party into a one night stand

So like.

Here’s the thing.

Kakashi’s really good at not dying, but he’s also really, really good at _almost_ dying.

Most of his probably-friends are upset enough about the latter that they ignore the former. According to them, Kakashi should not be regularly landing himself in the hospital with things like ‘chakra exhaustion’ and ‘cascading organ failure due to a slow-acting poison that we only barely caught in time’ and ‘perforated kidneys.’ This kind of stuff should be happening once a decade, maybe. The chakra exhaustion, once a year.

Kakashi manages to get chakra exhaustion, on average, once every four months.

It’s not, like, a _lot?_ He’s ANBU. He’s supposed to be in the weird, super dangerous positions. Things happen.

That said, Kakashi is entirely willing to acknowledge that he maybe, _maybe,_ should have asked for backup on this mission instead of doing it solo.

Maybe.

The gut wound that’s spilling enough blood to make him woozy supports this theory. Kakashi’s seeing spots even as he runs away, which is usually a pretty bad sign. There aren’t any pursuers within a couple hundred meters, but if he stops for long enough to patch the wound, there will be _problems._

He totally should have asked for backup. He can see the headstone now: Hatake Kakashi, dead of his own hubris. Subscript: “We _told_ you to take care of yourself, dumbass.”

It’s got a certain ring to it.

Kakashi stumbles on nothing, and catches himself on the trunk of a tree. He tries to breathe, and it hurts. The air burns cold as it goes down his throat, and his ears catch the incoming footsteps of his pursuers. He tries to take a step, but he can’t.

He has options. At least three, and two of them actually include surviving and making it back to Konoha.

Fuck. Emergency seal it is.

He digs it out, fingers slippery with blood, and charges it with a dash of what’s left of his chakra.

A nausea-inducing twist later, he’s sprawled out on the Uzumakis’ kitchen floor.

Huh. Familiar.

This has probably happened before.

“Hata—HATAKE!”

“Heyyyy, Kanna-chan,” Kakashi says. He can vaguely see her as a hot pink smudge. “Sakura in? I need a doc.”

“Oh my fucking—KARIN! KURAMA! GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE!” Kanna starts pulling on Kakashi’s arms, yanking at fabric and hissing at what she finds.

“Aneki, wh—oh!”

“Hey, Karin,” Kakashi says. He waves a hand, except it flops halfway through. Oh man, he’s in for it. “Sorry about the blood.”

Karin shoots Kanna a panicked look. “Nee-chan’s at the hospital still.”

Kurama comes into the room. He grimaces at the sight of Kakashi on the floor, but doesn’t seem horrified, or even surprised.

“I know,” Kanna grumbles. “Kurama, grab some towels and a bowl of clean water. Karin, a glass of water with a straw and some blood-replenishing pills.”

“Hai!”

Kakashi groans. “No chance of a doc, then?”

“Stop _talking,”_ Kanna hisses. “Fuck. _Fuck._ What was the plan if you didn’t use the seal, dumbass?”

“You told me to stop talking,” Kakashi points out.

She whaps him lightly on the head. “Don’t be a smartass, I’m saving your life.”

Karin skids back into the room, an emergency kit and a glass of water in her hands. “What’s next?”

“Phone, call Sakura, let her know what’s going on,” Kanna orders. “Tell her… ah shit, I’m doing it.”

“…wait,” Karin says. “But you said—”

“I know.”

“But you _said,”_ Karin insists. “You said we’d never have to—”

“I _choose_ to,” Kanna snaps. “I care about this asshole and I get to make my own choices. You don’t have to do it. Ever. Just understand that I’m doing it out of choice, not under orders.”

Karin watches them with ill-disguised horror and fear on her face, fingers digging into her own upper arms. “But—”

“Call Sakura,” Kanna orders. “We’ll talk about it later. He’s _dying.”_

Is he? Damn.

“Towels,” Kurama says from somewhere just out of sight. “Bowl. What’s next?”

“Something I’m not actually very good at,” Kanna mutters. “Okay, Kurama, take Kakashi’s hand, he’s going to need something to squeeze. Kakashi, this is probably going to hurt less than the actual wound, but I’m going to be using a medical Suiton to clear out any debris or contamination from the injury. Try not to move.”

Kakashi closes his eyes, and squeezes.

It hurts less than it could. He knows that much.

“Nee-chan’s in the middle of a surgery,” Karin reports, voice quiet. “They’re sending Higuchi-sensei.”

“Better than nothing,” Kanna says. “He’ll be able to handle what I can’t. Kakashi, I need to take off your mask.”

None of his injuries have to do with his mouth. Kakashi says at much, eye drifting open enough to look at her in consternation.

“But the healing does,” Kanna says, a grim smile gracing her face. “Come on, I’ve already seen underneath, you know it’s not about that. Let me save your life, you stubborn bastard.”

Kakashi doesn’t have the strength to push her hand away when she moves to take his mask down. He gazes at her, the edges of his vision going hazy, and she grimaces and pushes one sleeve up to her elbow. Kakashi abruptly remembers when they first ran into Juugo.

Oh.

“Open up,” she snarks, and doesn’t wait for Kakashi to move. She reaches forward, yanks his jaw open herself, and then pushes, even _crushes,_ it closed on her arm.

The sensation is… indescribable.

Kakashi tries anyway, tries to box it up into a category or two just so he can keep his head in the rush. It’s warm. He can taste blood, but for some reason the sensation pales in comparison to the incidental, accidental press of his tongue to the skin between his teeth. The chakra, though, is… it’s _warm._ It tingles, a pleasant rush across his entire self, and it’s invigorating. Empowering. Heady. He can feel his torso knitting itself back together, and there’s a slight _crunch_ as one his ribs fixes itself, and the pain recedes in a cresting wave.

Is he high? On chakra? Is that a thing?

Kanna pries his jaw open again and pulls her arm back, already wrapping it in a bandage Karin hands her. She’s breathing heavily, and there’s a heavy flush across her face like she’s just finished a spar.

Karin is staring at him, eyes wide and still so slightly terrified.

“It’s more efficient on people who have chakra more similar to my own,” Kanna admits. “Kurama, the towels.”

Kakashi’s still exhausted, even if he’s just been directly infused with like… pure life energy, probably. He has no idea how Kanna’s power works. He lays there as they move him around, wiping away blood and quietly arguing about… _something_ he can’t focus well enough to parse at this point. The adrenaline crash is nigh, and all that rot. They manage to get him to swallow the blood-replenishing pill and drink some water.

Kakashi passes out a few minutes before Higuchi-sensei arrives.

\--

He wakes up in the hospital, attached to an IV but in one piece.

The kitchen floor is a fresh memory. Passing out didn’t blur the edges on that one.

“You’re an _idiot.”_

“Hello, Sakura-chan,” Kakashi says, giving her a bright eye-smile that he’s, like, ninety percent sure she doesn’t feel like accepting. “Nice to see you too.”

“A complete and utter fucking moron,” Sakura reiterates. “I don’t care if you’re a genius, you’re also a total dumbass.”

Kakashi shrugs. “Guilty as charged.”

“You almost _died,”_ Sakura snarls.

Ah. Shit. She’s actually upset.

“I should have taken backup,” Kakashi admits. “The intel wasn’t good enough to justify making it a solo mission.”

“You _should_ have,” Sakura tells him. “And next time, you _will.”_

“I can’t always bring backup,” Kakashi says. He frowns below the medical mask they’ve thoughtfully provided him. “We don’t have the manpower, sometimes.”

“I will come with you _myself_ if that’s what it takes,” Sakura hisses. “I need to get out of the village a bit more anyway.”

“Wanderlust?”

“Stop. Being. A smartass,” Sakura orders.

That’s fair.

They sit in silence for a bit, and Sakura runs a few scans. Kakashi feels mostly fine, which is weird for him.

“I hope I don’t have to tell you what it means for Kanna to have done what she did,” Sakura says. Her voice is quiet, and she doesn’t meet his eyes.

“Aa,” Kakashi agrees. He’s seen the scars often enough. Both of the by-blood Uzumaki sisters have them. “It’s… I can guess. Karin reacted poorly.”

Sakura closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath. She lets it out slowly, controlled and careful and deliberately calm. “It’s… a major trigger, for them. One of their conditions for joining the village was that they’d never be asked to provide that form of healing against their will. Their mother… was used. Overused. She died because they kept insisting that she heal people.”

Kakashi’s fingers dig into his abdomen. Smooth. Healthy. Not unblemished, but no _more_ blemished than before.

“It means a lot that she chose to help me this way,” Kakashi summarizes. “I’ll have to think of a way to thank her.”

“Like not getting hurt again, maybe?” Sakura prods.

“I was thinking more like chocolates,” Kakashi says. “Or a spa day.”

Sakura huffs, lightly amused. “If you want to get her a nice thank-you gift, she collects perfumes.”

Kakashi blinks. “She never told me that.”

Sakura shrugs. “You learn new things every day.”

“Okay,” Kakashi says. He considers that. “Perfumes. I’ve got a pretty good nose, so I think I can do that.”

Sakura snorts. “I’ll get you a list of what she already has so you don’t get her a duplicate.”

\--

Kakashi’s recovery period includes plenty of ‘watch the kids? Thanks, bro,’ which is pretty normal at this point. There aren’t a whole lot of hobbies he’s allowed to engage in when he’s on medical leave, and he’s had the misfortune of befriending one and a half medics, so he can’t just ignore the orders to take it easy. It’s not like he minds, anyway. Not usually.

There’s something that makes his heart twist whenever he gets to hang out with Naruto.

Today is… a weird day. It’s not a _bad_ day, necessarily. Kakashi was able to get out of bed, at least. He hasn’t stared at a wall for hours or forgotten to eat or reset every individual trap in his apartment five times in a row. He definitely hasn’t cried or panicked or, as happens on some very rare occasions, started hallucinating.

He just… feels weirdly empty.

Grief, but hollow.

He’s thankful that he can spend some time with Naruto. He’s a bit guilty about it, but Naruto is… he fills that hole that was left by Minato-sensei and Kushina. Obito, too. When he spends time with Naruto, he can’t help but think ‘at least I haven’t fucked _this_ up yet.’

Karin and Sai are out, having dragged their little group of grumpy hellions to do something Kakashi doesn’t want to know about. The only person in Naruto’s year that’s part of that group is Sasuke, and that means Naruto is completely uninterested in joining. Shin is off on a mission, and Juugo is off at the new part-time job that Kakashi helped him get at the Inuzuka kennels. The place is mostly clan-run, but they have some roles as outreach programs, and Kakashi’s pretty sure that Juugo’s pacifism and love of animals might eventually transition into some degree of veterinary practice. He’s not sure about the chakra bits, but Juugo’s already expressed that he doesn’t, under any circumstances, want to be a fighter if he has a choice in the matter.

Veterinary practice will suit him, Kakashi thinks, and if not that, then animal husbandry of some sort. There are options. The Nara sometimes like to hire on help when the deer start giving birth. The Aburame rarely use anyone from outside the clan, but Kakashi’s pretty sure they’d enjoy Juugo’s fascination with even the creepy-crawlies and all their ilk.

Naruto is curled up into Kakashi’s side on the couch.

The kid is working his way through an early readers’ book, one that has chapters, technically, but not particularly big ones. He asks Kakashi for help with a kanji every now and again, definitions and unfamiliar combinations, but mostly puts in the effort to struggle through on his own. Kakashi’s not allowed to offer Naruto a short, child-friendly spar, no matter how much the kid jumps at the chance every time, because Naruto _will_ tattle to Sakura if he does.

They hit the end of a chapter, and Naruto decides that’s enough reading for the afternoon. He’s not bursting with energy today, and Kakashi knows that it’s only because there wasn’t school today, and that means Naruto had a four-hour free-for-all spar with Sai and Karin. Even Naruto’s stamina faltered eventually. He just leans against Kakashi and soaks up the affection he was so deprived of for the better part of his life. Kakashi obliges him, ruffling Naruto’s hair as he reads his own book. It’s not one of his usuals—Sakura would murder him, probably—but Kakashi’s not ashamed to admit that he’s a sucker for PG-13 romances, too.

“Kakashi-nii?”

“Hm?”

“Um. Aneki told me that, um…” Naruto trailed off, tension building, and pressed his head into Kakashi’s chest like the proximity and pressure would somehow scare the butterflies away.

“What did she tell you?” Kakashi asks. There are way too many options for this. Naruto isn’t prone to wild speculation or spiraling anxiety, but there are a whole lot of potentially-upsetting things to his life that could be introduced. There’s not much sense in guessing.

“She said that, um, there’s a part of the Kyuubi inside me,” Naruto says, the words such a rush that Kakashi hardly catches them.

‘Part of’ is concerning, but he skips it for now.

“Aa,” Kakashi says. He pauses. “How much did she tell you?”

“She—she said that there was an accident, the night I was born. And the Kyuubi got out of the person who had it before, and she died, so they had to put the Kyuubi somewhere else, and they needed an Uzumaki because the Kyuubi is so strong, but they only had me, and I was a baby so I could only hold half of it, so the Yondaime put half of it in me, and the other half in the Shinigami’s stomach.”

That explains the ‘part of’ bit, at least. “And how do you feel about that?”

“…angry?” Naruto tries. “Sad, maybe? I don’t like it. Aneki said the two Kyuubi Jinchuuriki before me both agreed to it, but nobody asked me if I wanted to have it. Everyone hates me for having the Kyuubi inside me, but I didn’t even _do_ anything.”

“People like to look for something to throw their anger at, when they feel powerless,” Kakashi says carefully. “When I was very young, my father took a mission that ended poorly. He saved his comrades, but everyone blamed him for starting a war. The hate he received for this, including from the comrades whose lives he had saved, was enough to lead to my father’s death.”

He wouldn’t mention just how.

That was a little heavy, even for this conversation.

“For a long time, I tried to convince myself that the best way to prevent such a thing from happening to me was to follow all the rules, because everyone said the reason he deserved the hate was because he hadn’t followed the rules, and had thrown the mission in favor of saving his comrades,” Kakashi continues. “But that’s… not how it works. Wars aren’t started by one man. People just blamed him because he was the easiest to blame, and they needed something or someone to be angry at. It’s not logical, but it’s how humans work.”

“It’s not _fair,”_ Naruto mutters, picking at some of the pilling lint on Kakashi’s trousers.

“It’s not,” Kakashi agrees. “And, hey, it’s not _everyone,_ either. You have some friends at school. You have your family. You have me. Iruka-sensei, and Tsume-san, and some of Sakura and Kanna’s friends, too. Teuchi-ji and Ayame-chan. Hokage-sama, even. You deserve more, so much more, but you’re not alone.”

Naruto wraps his arms around Kakashi as best he can, and then thinks better of it and scrambles to sit on Kakashi’s lap for a better hug. Kakashi tucks Naruto’s head under his chin and thanks whoever’s looking out for them—probably Kushina, honestly—for letting them having _something_ near the brotherhood they would have had in a world that didn’t contain so much tragedy. Naruto’s a little old for this kind of hug, but they’re catching up on lost time.

“Nee-chan says that… that you knew her. The last Jinchuuriki. That she was an Uzumaki, too.”

His mother. Not that Naruto knows that, still, but…

“I did,” Kakashi allows. “She and my sensei were very close.”

“Can you tell me about her? Or about, um, Mito-sama?” Naruto doesn’t move to look at Kakashi with his pleading, but there’s a tremble in his voice.

Kakashi’s never met Mito, but he did know Kushina, and that’s more than Kanna or Sakura can say, probably.

“Sure,” Kakashi says. “I can tell you about Kushina.”

Kakashi _really_ hopes the Hokage okayed this.

\--

There are many things to be said about Uchiha Sasuke.

‘Gets along well with his boss’s cousin’ is not one of them.

“Stay,” Karin snarls at him, before turning to Naruto and pointing to the other side of the yard. “You, over there.”

“But he started it!” Naruto protests.

“And I’m ending it!” Karin snaps. She pauses for a fraction of a second, and then turns and grabs Sasuke’s sleeve. “Oh no you don’t!”

Sasuke purses his lips and glares at her.

“Don’t give me that look,” she sniffs. “You brought this on yourself. You jerks start fights _every time_ you see each other, and I ain’t got time for that shit.”

“Language,” Kakashi calls over. He’s sitting on the roof, because it’s a nice day outside, and he wants to feel the breeze on his face.

“You’re not the boss of me!” Karin calls back, and then turns back to her precious idiots. “Do I need to make Sai tie you up with ink snakes or something? Because they’ll do that.”

“I will,” Sai immediately confirms. “Karin just needs to say the word.”

All things considered, Kakashi thinks, Naruto and Sasuke _do_ probably need a mediating influence, but for some reason, he doesn’t think it’s going to be Karin. She’s aggressive and brash and snippy, and it feels more like adding wood to a fire than actually balancing anything out. Still, she’s the boss, so they listen to her.

For now.

Kakashi’s pretty sure at least one of the two is hoping to graduate early _specifically_ to make it onto a team with Sai and Karin. Unfortunately, Kakashi’s pretty sure that both are noted down as “no early graduation under any circumstances.” Sasuke due to a standing psych order, and Naruto because, well, Kakashi’s kind of listed to take both of them.

Not that it would matter, necessarily; Naruto’s doing a _lot_ better than he used to, but he’s on par for his age, not so far ahead that he’d get special treatment. Nobody in their year is. Kakashi had _checked._

…this is, at least partly, because the requirements for early graduation are a lot stricter than they used to be.

Nobody really needs to think too hard to guess why.

Kakashi watches the kids between pages of his new book, wondering if Naruto and Sasuke have realized yet that part of the reason they keep clashing is jealousy over who gets a bigger portion of Karin’s time. Sasuke really wants to learn fuuinjutsu from her, and she’s a great barrier against unwanted advances from girls in the school, while Naruto is incredibly attached to his first sibling.

Granted, there was already some animosity, from what Kakashi’s heard, but the completely unnecessary conflict of ‘who gets to hang out with the scary, bossy older girl we’re both kind of seeing as a weird sister’ isn’t helping.

Neither of them are trying to fight Sai, at least, but Sai is both in Karin’s year and also kind of an extension of her at this point. They follow her around like a shadow, which. Like. Sai is definitely useful. They’re former Root and all that jazz. That’s… they’re growing out of the conditioning, are doing _incredibly_ well and all that, but still. Following Karin around like a tiny greyscale bodyguard can’t be normal, right?

God, Kakashi _really_ hopes that Karin’s not going to be a Danzō type. His heart couldn’t take that.

The thought is _genuinely terrifying._

He’s pretty sure she’s not?

Probably?

Maybe he needs to talk to Kanna.

\--

“Kazekage-sama,” Kakashi says, bowing just enough at the waist to be polite to a foreign dignitary. He curses whoever decided to put him on this detail. It was probably Genma. “A pleasure to see you again.”

Asuma doesn’t make a noise or even move, but Kakashi _knows_ the man is laughing at him. This is also probably Genma’s fault, because Genma told _everyone_ about Kakashi’s accidental flirtation.

“Hatake-san,” Rasa says, face blank and in no way betraying that he in any way remembers Kakashi technically asking him out to dinner last year. “Suna is honored to accept Konoha’s hospitality for the sake of building stronger bonds between our villages.”

Right.

Kakashi tilts to the side, and looks past Rasa to the very tiny child behind him. “Hello, Gaara-kun.”

The little boy hides behind his sister, but waves shyly nonetheless. It’s nothing short of adorable.

The sister, whose name Kakashi forgets, glares up at him like she thinks he’s a threat to the Jinchuuriki.

Which… he could be. Technically.

If he had to.

He doesn’t want to be, though.

“Allow me to lead you to the Administration Building to meet with Hokage-sama before you are shown to your quarters,” Kakashi says. He starts to turn, and then Rasa speaks.

“Oh? Not going to offer me your arm? For shame, Hatake-san.”

Kakashi freezes. He turns, slow and slightly terrified. He looks at Rasa.

The man’s expression is blank save for a single raised eyebrow.

Asuma doesn’t bother to hide the laughter this time.

Dick.

\--

Kakashi waits outside the Hokage’s office while initial meetings are happening. There are more than enough guards inside the room, and attacking the Hokage right now would be… stupid. Really stupid.

“Hey, asshole.”

He looks up, and there’s Kanna, arms crossed and looking like she’s about to roast him to hell and back.

“Hey yourself,” Kakashi responds. He gestures at the chair next to him. “Take a seat?”

Kanna drops down and immediately slouches, legs spreading like the punk she is. One of the Kazekage’s attendants that got left outside the room shoots her a look that is _deeply_ offended. She gives him a look back that can be translated, to the best of Kakashi’s knowledge, as ‘what, you gonna say something? Yeah, that’s what I thought.’

The Kazekage’s surplus attendant does not comment.

Kakashi decides to spread his own legs, flinging one on top of Kanna’s just long enough for her to shove it off and elbow him in the ribs. He eye-smiles at her, and she flips him off. Theirs is a loving relationship.

“So,” Kanna says, and Kakashi’s heart _drops_ because he knows that tone. He hates that tone. “What’s this I hear about you escorting the Kazekage on your arm like some civilian princess?”

“He asked me to,” Kakashi says, as primly as he can. Kanna stares, entirely unbelieving.

“What he means,” Asuma calls over, “is that the Kazekage tried to joke about what happened in Suna, and Kakashi can’t bluff a social interaction to save his life, and neither of them was willing to back down because Kakashi’s a moron and the Kazekage wasn’t going to concede defeat in the face of something this dumb. Gay chicken that spiraled into stupidity, because Kakashi has no shame.”

“Is it really gay chicken if I’m bi?” Kakashi asks idly.

Asuma’s dead-eyed stare is an answer all on its own. “Why the _hell_ would I know?”

“Ah, right. You’re a straight people.”

“I can’t with you, Kakashi.”

Kanna snorts. “You know, there’s a betting pool for how long it takes you to put your foot in your mouth again. I don’t think anyone guessed ‘before they even enter the village,’ so I don’t know who’s winning.”

Kakashi is… hurt. He’s hurt.

“I’m hurt,” he tells Kanna, because honesty is important. “Also, fuck you.”

“Right back atcha,” she says. “I mean, you also got half the village seeing you walking around as the Kazekage’s arm candy, so like… kudos to you for that, I guess?”

Kakashi pouts at her. He’s sure she can tell. “You have no faith in me.”

“I have no faith in _anyone_ except for Sakura and maybe myself,” Kanna immediately tells him. “Try harder.”

Kakashi rolls his eyes. “You’re exhausting, you know that?”

_“Duh.”_

“Hey Kakashi,” Asuma says, walking a little closer. “There’s another bet going on, one you _can_ actually pitch in on, I think.”

Kakashi eyes him warily. “Do I want to know?”

There are multiple Suna nin watching them now.

Asuma grins. “Sure. Fifty to one odds that you actually have a one night stand with the Kazekage.”

Kanna cackles loud enough that Kakashi almost doesn’t hear the horrified gasp of the easily-offended attendant.

Kakashi pretends to think about it. “Fifty to one is pretty steep.”

“It is,” Asuma agrees. “I can place the bet for you so long as you’re transparent about it and are betting on succeeding.”

One of the Suna shinobi is about to explode. Kakashi wonders if he’s going to have to, like, defend himself. Politically, not physically.

“I _believe_ in you,” Kanna coos, leaning in close enough that he can feel her breath on his cheek. He puts a hand to her face, uncaring of the glasses, and pushes her away. She cackles again, like she’s having the time of her gods-damned life.

“He’s ten years older than me,” Kakashi points out. “Maybe more.”

“Nobody’s telling you to date a foreign Kage,” Asuma laughs. He drops into the seat on Kakashi’s other side. “Just, you know. Age differences matter a whole lot less for one-night stands, and you’re both adults. It’s not like he ever met you as a kid, so that’s not an issue either. They’re just betting on whether you’ll manage, you know, a single seduction.”

“One night is all it takes,” Kanna sing-songs. Apparently, that one line is all she can manage, because she breaks down into further laughter.

That one Suna nin looks apoplectic. This may be a problem.

Kakashi considers it. “Did Gai bet?”

“No.”

“…do you think he’d bet if he knew _I_ had bet?”

Asuma looks at him like he’s a stranger. “It’s _Gai.”_

Kakashi considers it a little more. “Did Genma bet?”

“Yep, he thinks you’re going to get your ass kicked when you make a pass,” Asuma says.

“That _bastard,”_ Kanna crows, and the giggles are honestly becoming a little worrying.

Kakashi nods sharply. “I’m in.”

“Just to fuck with Gai and Genma?” Asuma asks.

“To fuck with _Genma,”_ Kakashi says. “Gai will take me up on any challenge, but Genma… Genma is _underestimating me.”_

“You’re so fucking stupid,” Kanna cries. “Oh my god. I love this. You’re all so _dumb.”_

“You’re just jealous,” Kakashi sniffs.

“Bitch, I’m married,” she reminds him. She hiccups and buries her face in his shoulder. “Fuck. I’m going to bet that you manage it because this is going to be hilarious no matter the outcome. Oh my god. I’m going to die.”

“Then perish,” Kakashi tells her, and she _shrieks_ with laughter.

Asuma sits back with a smirk. “This entire situation is going to be a disaster and I can’t wait for it.”

“A _diplomatic_ disaster,” one of the Suna nin hisses in their direction.

Asuma shrugs. “Hey, at least it’ll be funny.”

Kakashi taps his book against his chin. “Hey guys?”

“Hm?”

“Does this make me the hot twink?”

Kanna actually laughs herself off of her chair this time.

\--

By the time the actual diplomats finish with whatever the hell is going on behind closed doors, Kakashi has a game plan, Kanna’s managed to pull herself together, and Asuma’s bullied the Suna nin into not telling their boss about the bet.

This isn’t the _most_ ridiculous bet Kakashi’s taken part in, not even in the last year, because he’s friends with _Gai,_ but it’s probably the most likely to have far-reaching consequences.

Still. He said he was going to do it, so come hell or high water, _he’s going to do it._

Kurenai would probably tell him this is a terrible idea, but she’s not his therapist anymore, so ha.

The doors open slowly, and the first person out is less than four feet tall.

“Kanna-san!” Gaara whisper-shouts. He smiles, inordinately pleased to have run into her. He walks over, still wrapped in his adorable little Suna robes, and stops in front of her. “I am doing much better. My father has asked if you will be looking at my seal again?”

“I’d be _delighted,”_ Kanna tells him, tapping him on the nose with one finger. He steps back, startled, and his hands come up to cover his face like he’s not used to whatever just happened. Kanna laughs and ruffles his hair, and then looks up to see the Kazekage watching them. She stands, and bows, and says, “A pleasure to see you again, Kazekage-sama.”

“Likewise,” Rasa answers. “Gaara insisted on coming, as did my other children. Apparently, he’s rather keen on meeting the children in your care.”

“Oh,” Kanna says. “Of course, that’s—yeah. No trouble at all.”

“I will, of course, accompany them.”

“Ah.”

The silence is stifling.

“So, when are you free?” Kanna asks, hesitating as she speaks. “I’m assuming your schedule is pretty full, but I’m sure I can take a night off here or there.”

“Chihiro-san has the itinerary,” Rasa says, and a short kunoichi bustles forward with a clipboard. Kanna leans over to look at it, and then something in her face just… twitches.

“Uh… let me call my wife,” Kanna says, pulling out her fancy mobile telephone. “Just… I need to check something with her.”

Rasa inclines his head just enough to indicate his agreement, and Kanna steps away. Kakashi hears Tsume’s name, and something about Chōza, but most of the sound is lost to the hustle and bustle of the hallway in post-official-meeting conversation.

Kakashi catches Rasa’s eye and says, “Maa, I hear we caused quite a stir on the way in.”

“Wouldn’t any Kage be reason for commotion?” Rasa prompts.

“Most Kage don’t have a Konoha Jounin as arm candy on their way in,” Kakashi points out.

Asuma has to hide his mouth behind his hand to even somewhat stifle his laugh.

The Kazekage does not seem impressed, mostly, but there’s a _slight_ tick to the corner of his mouth. Score! “I see.”

“He’s a very hot commodity,” Asuma offers, and offers a charming grin of his own in response to the incredulous stares he gets for that particular comment.

Kakashi wonders if this is one of Asuma’s many ways of getting revenge at his dad. It probably is. That’s fine.

“I am,” Kakashi says gravely. “But, ah, I still must say that the mask is off limits as of yet.”

Chihiro, the assistant who hadn’t been in the hallway earlier and was probably in the bigwigs meeting with the Kazekage, looks around between the three of them with what Kakashi figures is probably concern. Kakashi pities her. Unfortunately, Kakashi also has a bet to win.

He’d blame Genma.

“Of course,” the Kazekage says. “I do remember your limits.”

Poor, poor Chihiro.

Kanna comes back, strides long and solid. “So, one of the nights that you’re free is actually a night we’d already planned to have a dinner party of sorts. Chōza-san will be there, as well as Nara Shikaku and Inuzuka Tsume, who are also clan heads. I’d be happy to introduce the children before then, but I feel that this might be an opportunity to meet some of the clan heads in a more relaxed setting, if that’s something that interests you.”

Kakashi’s brow furrows, and he tries to figure out what the common thread is. It doesn’t take too long: this was probably supposed to be about Naruto’s friends and their parents, at least originally. Or maybe all the kids and their friends? Sasuke is an orphan, and TenTen’s father is… a blacksmith, maybe? Not something to bring up to entice the Kazekage. Inviting the Hyūga to something like this is a gamble, even without the wrench in the works that is international politics, so Neji might not have even accepted the invitation. Shin’s only real friend so far is Hana. His genin team was growing on him, but that was slow-going. Juugo… doesn’t really have friends yet.

Yeah, okay. That makes sense.

“It seems as though the stars have aligned for such a meeting,” the Kazekage says, and the words are the kind of slow and measured that are meant to be openly suspicious. “There is room for an additional five?”

Three kids, Rasa, and probably a bodyguard. Baki, if Kakashi remembered the dynamics correctly.

Kanna smiles. “We’ve got a big house. I’ll see you there, then?”

“I look forward to it,” Rasa says. “Perhaps you could discuss a more casual meeting for the children themselves with Baki.”

Kanna inclines her head. “I’d be delighted.”

As Rasa turns to leave, Kakashi ‘accidentally’ lets their hands brush, and smiles when Rasa glances at him.

Genma’s going _down._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi, at the beginning of this chapter: I am literally dying of blood loss.  
> Kakashi, at the end of this chapter: Okay, so how many people think I can't fuck the Kazekage?
> 
> I have no excuse, other than 'it made me laugh every time I thought about it, so I had to include it.'
> 
> (The actual feels for this chapter are the biting scene, obvs.)


	12. What Defines A Twink?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner parties are, like... tedious? But actually kind of enjoyable? Kakashi is pleasantly surprised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: typical threats of violence (mostly empty), oblique references to sexual activity

Despite Kakashi’s decision to be the Kazekage’s inevitable ‘I went abroad and screwed a hot twink’ story, he doesn’t get a whole lot of time to interact with the man. He lays it on thick on the few occasions they’re in the same room, but it seems as though the Hokage has made the sensible choice to keep Kakashi away from international politics before he causes an incident. It’s a good idea, except he probably should have done that _before_ the Kazekage arrived, instead of putting Kakashi within arm’s reach of an opportunity to fuck with his friends, his enemies, and the universe writ large.

So, really, it’s all Hiruzen’s fault. Asuma will back him up on this.

The other main reason that Kakashi’s not running into the man very much is that Kanna and Sakura have dragged him into dinner party prep.

Kakashi has never hosted a dinner party. He’s a little concerned about the amount of _cleaning_ going on, but one of their guests is a head of state, so… it’s probably necessary. To some degree.

“You can cook, right?” Kanna asks him, marching up to him murder in her eyes.

“…yes?” Kakashi says. He entered the house literally fifteen seconds ago. He’s allowed to be a smidge off-kilter. “I think I’m pretty good.”

“That’s what Anko said,” Kanna tells him. “You’re helping us with food.”

“Do I get a choice?”

“You get a chance to reach the man of your temporary dreams through his stomach,” Kanna says. “Also, you owe me.”

He probably does. He’s not sure for what, but he does. At minimum, he’s pretty sure he’s still not off the hook for getting that much blood onto the cupboard doors. Or something.

“I don’t owe you shit,” he says.

There’s a delighted gasp behind them, and Naruto yells, “Kakashi-nii! The swear jar!”

Naruto’s incredibly devoted to the swear jar. Kakashi’s pretty sure he just loves it as a sign of Things Normal Families Do, which is… fair.

Kakashi drops some ryō into the jar.

He turns back to Kanna and says, “I’ll cook but I’m not paying for the ingredients.”

“Duh,” Kanna scoffs. “What do you take me for, a cheapskate?”

“No, I take you for lazy.”

Her eyes narrow behind her glasses, a gimlet stare like none other.

He smiles back.

“Ugh, you’re the worst,” Kanna grumbles. “Just get over yourself.”

“Can’t. I’m fantastic.”

The door slams open, and they all turn to stare.

There stands Karin, a bloodthirsty grin on her face.

“Please don’t tell me you killed someone.” The words are out of Kakashi’s mouth before he can stop them. “Did you take over the Yakuza? Please tell me you didn’t take over the Yakuza. You’re too young to be an oyabun.”

“I did not take over the Yakuza,” Karin informs him. “Because they’re civilians, and that makes them boring.”

“You are _absolutely_ not helping my nerves,” Kakashi tells her. “Please stop being absurd.”

“No.”

Kanna presses a hand over Kakashi’s mouth before he can respond. “Did you have something to tell or not, brat?”

“Rude,” Karin sniffs. “But I’ll bend.”

Kakashi blows warm air through his mask until Kanna takes her hand down and glares at him.

“Disgusting.”

He eye-smiles at her.

“Ahem!” Karin looks annoyed that nobody is listening to her announcement. “Neji’s going to be at the dinner party.”

Kanna’s eye twitches. “So I have to adjust plans for an extra kid. That’s fine. You’re all eating on the floor in the living room anyway.”

“And he might bring Hiashi-sama,” Karin adds. The bloodthirst is back.

“You _little—”_ Kanna hisses.

Karin sticks out her tongue, looking incredibly proud of herself. Smugness suits her. “Ha!”

“How did you make that happen?” Kakashi asks.

Karin shrugs. “Sai asked Neji first, and he said no, because he’s above such things. That was a few days ago, but today I told him ‘are you sure? Aneki got _the Kazekage_ to come, so, you know, massive politics and all that,’ and he looked like he was going to get sick or something. He ate lunch at the Hyūga compound and then when the school day ended, Hiashi was waiting for him in the Academy courtyard and asked me about it, and Sakura-nee explained since she was supposed to walk us home, and that you’d be happy to have Neji there, and Hiashi as well if he was okay with it being a little less formal than he’s used to, and he agreed because _duh,_ who’d pass up a chance to make connections with the Kazekage like that?”

Kanna looks ready to strangle something. Preferably not a kid, but Kakashi’s still in arm’s reach. He shuffles a step away.

Karin continues to look smug as hell.

“You’re going to be terrifying when you grow up,” Kakashi tells her. “You’re already scary. Please keep me off your hit lists.”

“I make no promises,” Karin advises. “But you’ve been pretty cool, so I’ll probably spare you.”

“Excuse me,” Kanna says, and leaves the house through the back door.

Kakashi watches her leave. He blinks. He turns to Karin. “Is she okay?”

Karin shrugs. “She doesn’t feel that mad. She’s mostly just annoyed.”

Ah, right. Sensors.

“Besides, Sakura was the one that invited Hiashi,” Karin says. “I just wanted Neji to come since he’s Sai’s favorite person at school.”

There’s a scream outside, one that lasts about twenty seconds before trailing off. A moment later, Kanna reenters the building and jabs a finger at Karin.

“You’re helping set up for the party.”

“Yeah, and? That was already going to happen.”

“I am going to throw you in a _river.”_

“Sure thing, oba-chan.”

Kanna’s face starts twitching. Kakashi takes her by the shoulders and moves her a few steps away from Karin.

“Where’s Sakura, anyway?” Kakashi asks. “You said she was walking you home?”

“Oh!” Karin says, brightening. “Maito-san showed up and challenged her to a spar since he couldn’t find you. I think Nee-chan _really_ wanted to break something. She looked pretty happy about it.”

Kanna shakes Kakashi off and strides forward to put her hands on Karin’s shoulders. She leans down, closing the distance in a way that it is entirely intimidating. “You. You are a menace.”

Karin rolls her eyes. “Well, _duh._ What did you _think_ you were teaching me to be?”

\--

“This is a terrible idea.”

Kakashi considers his drink for a moment. “You’re not my mom.”

A hand lands on his shoulder, and he’s spun around to face Kurenai head on. “Kakashi. This is a _terrible_ idea.”

“You have money riding on it, don’t you?” he asks.

“No, actually! Because I don’t want to encourage you!”

Kakashi shrugs. “Too late for that. Genma bet against me after spreading the story, which means it’s payback time.”

“Kakashi. Listen to me. You can’t cause an international incident out of spite,” Kurenai pleads. “We don’t need you causing a decade-long ribbon of red tape with _your dick.”_

He blinks at her. “Okay, but consider this: I need to prove Genma wrong.”

She groans, drops into the seat next to him, and puts her head in her hands. “Why is everyone our age so _stupid?”_

“My guess is all the trauma,” Kakashi says. “Buy you a beer?”

“No, I have to roof-hop home and I only moved a few weeks ago,” Kurenai admits. “If I get drunk I’ll probably go to the wrong apartment and nobody needs that headache.”

Kakashi shrugs. “More for—”

“No.”

He sighs. “You do realize you finished your time with the Psych division, right? You don’t need to keep doing this.”

“Okay, first of all: we’re friends and I care about you, no matter how much of a dumbass you are,” Kurenai tells him, and it’s not a little aggressive. “Second of all: are you actually visiting your new therapist?”

Kakashi pauses. He turns away and takes a sip of his beer.

 _“Exactly,”_ Kurenai snips. “Start going to your sessions and I’ll lay off.”

Kakashi rolls his eyes. “I’m doing okay. I’m still legally required to go three times a year, and if they tell me I’m falling off the tracks again, I’ll listen.”

Kurenai eyes him suspiciously. “You do realize how politically idiotic this bet is, right?”

“I mean, _yeah,”_ Kakashi says. “But the Kazekage seems vaguely receptive so far, so I’ll probably get rejected without actually causing trouble. Either that or he’s just really good at Gay Chicken.”

“Kakashi,” she says. She does not follow it up with a sentence.

“Listen,” Kakashi says. “At the end of all this, I will just be the story that _every_ high-level politician has: he went abroad and screwed a hot twink.”

“You,” Kurenai says, aggressively poking his shoulder. “Are _not_ a twink.”

“You sure?”

“You haven’t been since we turned seventeen,” Kurenai sniffs. “Too broad. Twunk, maybe, but not a twink.”

“Metaphorically, then. I’m the metaphorical twink,” Kakashi says.

“You can’t… you can’t _metaphorically_ be a twink, oh my _god,”_ Kurenai groans. “Do you want me to get Genma just so he can argue this with you? Because I’m pretty sure he knows the terms better than I do.”

“You’re as gay as I am,” Kakashi says. “I’m sure you know the words.”

“First off, we’re both bi—”

“So we’re just as gay as each other.”

“—and _second,”_ Kurenai stresses, glaring him down, “I’m a woman. Those terms are male-exclusive.”

Kakashi sighs as dramatically as he can get away with. “So clearly, I’m better suited to declaring myself a twink than you are to declaring me not.”

“Why am I _friends_ with you,” Kurenai grouses.

“Hell if I know,” Kakashi admits. “I think I just grew on you. Like a fungus.”

“Isn’t that what you usually say about Gai?”

Kakashi shrugs. “Yeah.”

Kurenai knocks her ankle into the leg of Kakashi’s chair. “Look at me.”

He does not.

She kicks his ankle this time. “Hey, jerk. Look at me.”

“Whaaaaaaaaat?” Kakashi groans, turning just enough to pout at her.

Kurenai starts pointing at him again, just as aggressive as before, but with less actual poking. “You’re a good friend. I’m lucky to have you. I know I talk shit, and so do most of our friends, but you’re a fun guy and we all would trust you at our backs before anyone else, because we know you’d never, ever leave one of us behind.”

Oh.

Oh, ow.

“Are you about to cry?” Kurenai asks, tilting her head. “Dude—”

“Shut up.”

“Aw, Kakashi,” Kurenai says. She pats him on the shoulder. “I didn’t mean to make you start crying.”

“I’m not _crying,_ Yuuhi.”

“Sure,” she says. “Do you want to get out of here? We can take a walk right by the diplomat’s hotel so you can make one of the worst intentional mistakes of your life.”

“Not a _mistake,”_ Kakashi insists. He rubs at his eye. There’s definitely dust in it. Maybe an eyelash. “And I thought you disapproved.”

“Oh, I think it’s going to blow up in your face _bigtime,”_ Kurenai says. “But we’re friends, so it’s unfortunately my job to help you out with your absolute worst decisions. I’ll even put some money down on it.”

“Kurenai, you’re the _best.”_

“Yeah, yeah, now pay your tab so we can get out of here.”

\--

The dinner prep starts like this:

Kakashi is there before anyone else who doesn’t, like, actively _live_ in the building. He’s even there before Sakura is, mostly because she has set shifts at the hospital instead of missions with breaks between. Meanwhile, Kakashi had allowed himself to get bullied into cooking, which he’s actually _pretty good at, Raidō,_ so he gets to show up midday to help Kanna with the food while the kids argue and clean.

Naruto makes ten shadow clones to help.

Kakashi can barely make five.

God, the _reserves_ on that kid.

Kurama turns up to take on chopping things after an hour or two, grumbling and unpleasant as ever. He ditches them for Child Wrangling™ duties every little bit, which is endearing, if a little… concerning.

“He’s a softie,” Kanna dismisses. She neatly dodges the knife that Kurama throws at her, snatching it out of the air and slapping it down on the counter. “Don’t you _dare_ damage my cupboards, Kurama, I swear to the _fucking_ Sage himself I will have your hide if you leave so much as a scratch on the walnut.”

He snarls at her, lips pulled back to bare his teeth in the same concerningly feral grimace as always.

“I will turn you into a _coat,”_ Kanna hisses at him.

“That’s disgusting,” Kakashi informs her, because it doesn’t seem like Kurama’s got any intention of reminding her. “Human skin as a coat is gross. You’re gross. Stop.”

“Get fucked,” Kanna tells him. She pauses. “Preferably by the Kazekage, I’ve got money riding on this.”

“It’s nice to have your support,” Kakashi tells her, shoving as much sincerity as he can into the sentence. “Did Sakura bet?”

“Hell no, she’s not allowed to gamble,” Kanna scoffs. “Tsunade’s luck rubbed off on her. You don’t want her betting on you. Either you lose, because she usually does, or you win and something terrible happens.”

“I’m… pretty sure you can’t inherit your teacher’s luck,” Kakashi says. “Especially not _that_ specific.”

Kanna rolls her eyes. “Whatever, can’t you just trust me that Sakura betting would be a bad idea?”

“She’s telling the truth,” Kurama adds. He dodges a kick from Kanna. “What the hell, woman?!”

“Your approval isn’t helpful,” she sniffs. “Also, I’m still mad about you throwing knives in my kitchen. I _like_ these cupboards.”

“And I like not having a busted knee!” Kurama snaps back.

“Now, now, you’re _both_ pretty and entirely terrifying,” Kakashi says, in the most soothing voice he can. “And Karin’s scarier than either of you, so maybe step it up a notch.”

It gets pretty much the exact response he expected, which is that Kurama starts laughing and Kanna looks like she’s ready for the Shinigami to just come and _take_ her already.

It’s fun.

\--

The dinner arrivals start like this:

Tsume shows up first, loud and brash and bringing a fondue pot with her. Kiba immediately tackles Naruto, and they both get tossed out a window into the backyard. Kurama’s the one that does it, yelling at them that they’re not supposed to be messing up the furniture yet. Tsume shouts out the window that they need to keep themselves clean at _least_ until Hiashi shows up, because he’s a solid five years older than her and _still_ eyes her parenting with concern, for all that she’s been doing it almost six years longer than he has.

“I’m a single mom, yeah, but I had Hana when I was _eighteen,”_ Tsume scoffs. “I’ve been doing this for almost half my life, you know?”

“I honestly haven’t had much chance to interact with the Hyūga,” Kanna tells her. “But any man with that large of a clan at his back that tries to judge a single mom is due for a wake-up call.”

“Ha!” Tsume thumps Kanna on the back. “You’re not half bad, kid!”

“Tsume-san, we’ve known each other a year,” Kanna says, adjusting her glasses. “Why do you sound so surprised?”

“Because you’re an asshole,” Kurama offers.

Kanna glares at him, and Kakashi decides to busy himself with making sure that the kids don’t do something stupid. Hana and Shin are hanging out on the roof and talking quietly, which is refreshingly sensible behavior. Naruto and Kiba are being kept apart by Karin and Sai, thankfully. Neither of them seems all that keen on fighting anymore, but Karin is controlling and conniving and lots of other words in that general spectrum, and she doesn’t seem at all convinced that they’re not going to muss up their clothes if she lets them roam free.

“You can let them go,” Kakashi says. “They should know to follow the rules now that there’s a responsible adult out here.”

“Yeah?” Karin challenges, even as she lets her brother go. “Show me where.”

Kakashi slaps a hand to his chest. “That was _brutal.”_

“Good.”

“Karin, don’t be mean to Kakashi-nii!” Naruto protests. He rapidly taps her shoulder like it’s going to get her to pay closer attention somehow. “Nee-chan said he was _fragile.”_

Wow. That’s simultaneously heartwarming and absolutely crushing.

Sai lets go of Kiba, watches the bickering, and turns to the lone adult. “Kakashi-san, do you consider yourself fragile?”

Uh. Well then.

So, that discussion happens. Sai is eventually distracted by Shikamaru showing up, because Sai is the only one of the Uzumaki kids that both understands board games and actually _enjoys_ them. This isn’t to say that Sai ditches anyone, but rather that Shikamaru takes one look at whatever the hell it is that Kiba and Naruto are cooking up, and then turns to Sai and asks to play something. Chōji follows them up until he runs into Juugo, and they… actually, they get along _really_ well. Kakashi’s not sure they’ve ever met before, but Chōji’s listening to Juugo’s enthusiastic description of the rare bird he came across the other day, so they’re friends _now,_ even if they weren’t already.

Kakashi decides that Juugo and Shin are enough to keep an eye on things out here, and Karin _will_ get shouty if they aren’t, so he wanders back inside to mingle with the _real_ adults.

(Kakashi is not a real adult. Kakashi is a fake adult. Karin was right about that.)

(Kakashi can barely figure out how to work the machines at a new laundromat when he has to switch for whatever reason. He is absolutely not a real adult.)

Shikaku and Chōza are pleasant company, and Sakura’s come home and cleaned up by the time Kakashi gets inside, so she’s hanging out with Kanna and Tsume, eating the little plate of meats and cheeses. Nara Yoshino and Akimichi Natsumi have joined them, thought Kakashi first sees Yoshino from the back and momentarily processes her as Hana, which is… wild.

Further attendees trickle in piecemeal. Sasuke shows up with a small bouquet, muttering something about how he’d asked Iruka-sensei what this sort of event entailed and had been told to bring flowers for the hostesses. Kakashi’s pretty sure Sakura is about five seconds away from squealing over how cute that is until Kanna tells the kid that the rest of the kids are hanging out in the backyard and gives him a chance to ditch. Sakura buries her face in Kanna’s shoulder and makes one of those ‘oh my god I _can’t’_ noises that has Kanna just patting her head and looking amused.

“He brought us _flowers.”_

“Yep. He’s not the only one.”

_“He looked so embarrassed about it.”_

“Yes, dear.”

“Kanna-chan—”

“We’re not adopting another kid, we have _five teens and preteens in the house,”_ Kanna gripes.

Kakashi doesn’t realize that Kurama isn’t there until he spots a flash of deep scarlet outside, lifting Juugo up into a tree to… grab an injured bird.

Damn. Juugo’s a fairytale prince, isn’t he?

TenTen shows up with her dad next, and she also hands Sakura a bouquet and then _immediately_ heads outside to muck around with the other kids. Jingyi is vaguely familiar, and Kakashi eventually places him as a member of Minato’s generation that had retired after a leg injury a few months into chuunin-hood; the fact that he was a blacksmith now was about the only thing that Kakashi had remembered until he saw the man’s face.

“Oh,” Yoshino said, the pitch of her voice just enough to catch Kakashi’s intention. “Is Naruto-kun wearing a skirt?”

Kakashi glances out the window. Yes. Yes, Naruto is indeed wearing a skirt.

“When did that happen?” Natsumi asks. “I could have sworn they were wearing pants when I showed up.”

Kanna shrugs. “We planned two outfits in case Naruto decided to switch it up.”

It’s not quite an answer, but it’s enough for nobody to bother pressing the issue, which isn’t even really an _issue._

When the Hyūga arrive, there’s… almost? An awkward silence?

Except Tsume yells ‘C’mere, you old bastard!’ and completely destroys any sense of formality Hiashi might have tried to bring with him. Neji stares at Tsume like he’s somewhat offended by her general existence, but also grateful at the fact that she shows absolutely zero hesitation in sticking his uncle in a friendly headlock and giving him a noogie.

Tsume and Hiashi weren’t close enough in age to be on the same genin team, but they’d absolutely shared more missions than not back when Hiashi was still active.

 _“Inuzuka-san,”_ Hiashi grits out, finally extracting himself from Tsume’s grip and smoothing himself down. He doesn’t even look flustered. There isn’t a hair out of place. The man just got noogied, how the _hell_ did he manage that? “Some _decorum,_ please.”

Tsume snorts. “As if.”

Hiashi closes his eyes and rubs at his temples. “I suppose I hoped for too much.”

Sakura looks between the two of them, sees no help coming from any other quarter, and crouches down to tell Neji, “If you want to escape, the rest of the kiddos are outside. I think Sai is playing a boardgame with Shikamaru-kun.”

For all that Neji doesn’t seem to appreciate, well, _anything,_ he nods his thanks and exits through the back door.

Last of all: the Kazekage, his children, and—Baki, again. Apparently the kids’ sensei.

“Kazekage-sama!” Sakura greets, bright and warm and fresh in a way nobody can match. She skips the bows and goes straight for shaking Rasa’s hand like she dropped in from up north. “It’s a pleasure to meet you at last! Kanna-chan and Kakashi-kun have told me so much about your hospitality in Suna. Thank you for your village taking care of them during the trip!”

“…indeed,” Rasa says, seemingly overwhelmed. “As we are in a rather informal setting, I would be open to being addressed by name.”

“I’m glad to hear it, Rasa-san!” Sakura says, still smiling in a way that seems just… _impossibly_ genuine. Kakashi has no idea if it is. It might be. “Ah, your children! Temari-chan, Kankuro-kun, and Gaara-kun, right?”

The kids nod. Temari is, again, standing in front of her brothers like they need her to protect them, glaring suspiciously at Sakura despite the woman being as pleasantly inoffensive as a kunoichi could be.

“Hello, Sakura-san,” Gaara says, and the other two mumble it as well. Rasa, to Kakashi’s amusement, looks almost embarrassed by this.

“The rest of the kids are outside,” Sakura tells them. “Let’s see… Temari-chan, my eldest is up on the roof with a friend, I think. Kankuro-kun, you might like to talk to Nara Shikamaru, he’s the one at the board games. And Gaara-kun, _you_ should go find Naruto. Look for the blonde in bright orange. If anything goes wrong, Kurama-san is out there, okay? Ask him if you need help finding something or, I don’t know, lose a kunai up a tree. We’ll call you guys when it’s time to eat.”

The kids troop out, weaving between adults with Temari leading the march like she’s heading into battle.

Sakura pops back up, the blinding smile back on her face, and says, “Baki-san, right? I’ve heard a lot about you, too. Why I don’t I introduce you folks to some of the parents in the room? Come on, I’m sure they’re dying to meet you!”

She seamlessly guides Rasa over towards where Shikaku and Chōza are, and Baki hesitates a moment before following. The hesitation is accompanied by some blinking. He looks like a stunned lemming, actually.

“Is she… always like that?” Baki asks.

Mm, not really.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Kakashi tells him. “If you’re not planning on following her, though, let me introduce you to Inuzuka Tsume.”

Why the _hell_ does nobody send Sakura on diplomatic missions?

\--

Kanna is, like, the best wing-woman ever?

Kakashi’s pretty sure she’s helping him out so she can cash in on the bet, but that doesn’t matter. Kanna sees opportunities and jumps on them, and the fact that their resting dynamic is ‘aggressively friendly pettiness’ means that nobody gets Weird Vibes off of it.

At one point, Rasa compliments the food like any polite guest would. Some of the table agrees. Kanna immediately and cheerfully tells them, “It was all Hatake.”

“Maa, you did a solid portion of it,” Kakashi deflects. “I just helped.”

“You did a good sixty percent of the food,” Kanna argued. “Take the compliment.”

Tsume raps him over the head with her chopsticks, just like she did back when he was fifteen. “Kid, I’ve eaten your food since you started figuring out how to work a kitchen. I recognize your hand on half these dishes. Siddown.”

Kakashi sighs. “Yes, ma’am.”

She elbows him.

“Why _were_ you so involved, if you don’t mind me asking?” Jingyi is the one to posit the question.

“Because he practically lives here,” Sakura mutters. She giggles at the look Kanna shoots her. “I mean, not literally, but Kakashi-kun and I have known each other for a long time, and he’s a good friend of mine. When we first settled in Konoha and were still figuring out our schedules and whatnot, he was a big help with the kids. Since then… I dunno, most of the kids love him. He’s good with them.”

“Number one babysitter,” Kanna confirms, “Even if Karin does bully him.”

Kakashi chokes on a bit of rice. “Really, Kanna?”

“What? It’s true. She undermines your authority at every turn and then I laugh when you call her a terrifying child,” Kanna says.

“That tracks,” Tsume tosses in.

“Being told that I fear her eventual takeover of the universe makes her happy,” Kakashi argues. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

“If only Shikamaru had that kind of ambition,” Yoshino sighs. “Natsumi-chan, any advice?”

“Not in the slightest. Tell me if you find anything, though.”

Things continue in that general vein for a while. Kakashi drifts in and out of the conversation as it passes; a lot of it is about the kids, who are eating in a few small groups over in the living room, visible from the dining table. None of them are alone, so at least nobody’s being left out. Gaara, in particular, is clinging to Naruto in a way that seems to have _multiple_ people sending annoyed, possibly jealous glances.

Neither of the baby Jinchuuriki seem to notice. It’s astoundingly cute.

When it’s time for dessert—something that was actually _not_ Kakashi’s responsibility, but rather brought over by Natsumi and Yoshino—the kids drift outside and the adults spread out. Kakashi ends up with the Uzumaki, the Suna duo, and the two widowers over in the living room. Jingyi and Hiashi are about as opposite on the spectrum of attendees as is possible tonight, but they’re both fairly calm, polite men, and Hiashi seems glad to escape Tsume. The Nara and Akimichi stick by the dining room table, and Tsume is audible in how she keeps the conversation running on that end of the space.

Open floor plans are _weird._

Kurama disappears into another room between one look and the next. Nobody really mentions it except Baki; ‘he needs to get away from people for a bit, you know the type’ and a knowing look from Sakura are enough to end the questions there.

It’s pretty much _exactly_ the kind of night that Kakashi would have expected a grown-up dinner part with parents to be like if someone had asked him. He’s never been to one before, not even as a tagalong kid, but it’s just… surprisingly easy? The prep was a little unnecessarily intense, but the actual evening flows pretty easily. Conversation isn’t stilted, the kids are mostly-behaved, and—

Shin slams open the door from the kitchen to the backyard.

“ANEKI! NARUTO BROKE SPACE-TIME AGAIN!”

Gods _damn_ it.


	13. Oh Heck, There's EMOTIONS Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Um... uh...  
> Kakashi's not having a good week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: this chapter contains several scenes of a character undergoing a panic attack and extended period of dissociation after being triggered, canon deaths and torture, an adoptee temporarily panicking that they're going to get thrown out due to misinterpreting a guardian's worry as anger directed at the adoptee, and idle thoughts on the nature of mortality.

Kakashi is not the first person outside. That’s actually Kuromaru, who was closest to the door, followed pretty quickly by Shikaku, who was right next to him. Even then, Kakashi isn’t outside, because a spike of familiar chakra blankets everything for a hot, stifling moment that… that feels like the night the Kyuubi attacked.

Kakashi hesitates for only a moment, and then follows her outside. He’s behind Sakura and Tsume, and ahead of everyone else that wasn’t already out the door when the chakra hit.

If the Kyuubi—if _Naruto’s seal—_

“—away from the seal, _now.”_

Kanna’s already lecturing.

The kids are in a half-moon, and at least a few of them look like they’re worried they’re going to get in trouble for, uh, whatever the hell happened.

“I didn’t _mean_ to…” Naruto mutters, digging one toe into the dirt.

Kanna glares at him, uncaring of the fact that he’s not looking at her. “Fucking around with fuuinjutsu is dangerous as hell and you know space-time is off-limits for said fuckery. Someone explain to me what the seal is doing, stat.”

Nobody wants to say anything, so Shin steps forward. “Physical diffraction, I think. At least from one side.”

“It was just supposed to be a barrier seal,” Naruto insists. “And Sasuke said I couldn’t make it bounce attacks back instead of getting damaged, and I remembered—”

“Show us,” Sakura says. Her voice is soft. Her expression is empty. Her stance is loose.

It’s just as scary as Kanna’s worried anger.

“Use a clone,” Kanna orders.

“Um…” Naruto makes two clones, one of which steps forward and picks up a stick. Naru-clone One walks up to the seal, which seems relatively harmless, and presses a hand to it. The chakra channels in, and a V-shaped green light emanates from it, fading out a foot and a half up.

Naru-clone One frowns for a moment, and then nods sharply and pokes the stick halfway through the green light.

It splits.

Kakashi lifts up his Sharingan, praying that it’s a genjutsu, but it’s not. The stick splits at the point of contact, and instead of one stick coming out the other side, there are two. Naru-clone One twists the stick in place and wiggles it around a bit to show that the split goes to left and right, parallel to the paper of the seal, and no other direction.

Naru-clone Two gets to the other side of the seal and drops a bunch of dirt on the two prongs.

Both are solid.

“What in the Sage’s name…” Natsumi breathes out. The other parents make similar comments.

Sakura has a hand over her mouth, staring like she has _no_ idea what to do with that.

Naru-clone One passes through an _entire_ second stick, which also prongs and splits and… when Naru-clone Two catches one stick, the other floats, a perfect replica, just angled thirty degrees off.

“And if I cut chakra,” Naru-clone One says, doing so, which leaves one stick in the clone’s hand, which ends at the barrier, and the two prongs crumbling to dust.

The floating stick and the one in Naru-clone Two’s hands also both crumble to dust.

“Did _anyone_ put a body part through this at any point?” Kanna barks.

The kids all rapidly shake their heads no.

“I wouldn’t let Naruto be _that_ dumb,” Karin scoffs.

“Oh, you’re in trouble, too,” Sakura tells her.

“I was on the other side of the yard!”

“The entire time?” Sakura asks.

Karin flushes.

“There’s, um, more?” Naruto says, and everyone’s heads snap to them.

Sakura buries her face in her hands.

“Show us,” Kakashi says, because Kanna looks… not okay. Definitely not okay. Panicky, maybe. “Still clones, we don’t want any risks going up.”

Naruto nods, and then Naru-clone Two picks up a new stick, and activates the seal again. The new stick passes through the ‘split’ side of the barrier… and then pokes right back out, on the same side, ten centimeters down and to the left.

“How the _fuck,”_ Kanna groans. “Why didn’t you come get an adult _before_ you started messing around with seals?”

“I got carried away?” Naruto offers, scratching the back of their hair and not meeting anyone’s eyes. “It, um, pokes out of a different part every time.”

Naru-clone Two demonstrates, pulling the stick in and out a few times to show it just popping back in and out. They pass the stick through entirely, turned the seal off to demonstrate that it didn’t turn into dust, and then turn it on, pass it halfway through, and turn it off. Two cleanly-cleaved halves fall to the ground.

Kakashi looks around, and while half of the parents look horrified, the other half look… resigned. Amused, but resigned.

“Right, okay, I am _confiscating this,”_ Kanna says, striding forward and picking the seal up. “We’ll figure out punishments in the morning. Shin, thank you for coming to get me, write me up a summary of who was doing what when this all started so I know who needs to be _grounded.”_

Naruto flinches, and starts tearing up.

Ah shit.

“Okay!” Kakashi says brightly, turning on the spot and clapping his hands. “Everyone back inside! Show’s over.”

Naruto sniffles, and Kanna swears under her breath and goes to convince the kid that she’s made because she’s _worried,_ and that they’re still family and she’s not going to kick them out just for doing something that was, admittedly, incredibly stupid.

“Uh, seriously, getting personal,” Kakashi insists. “Let’s just get back inside. Please?”

Somehow, he manages it.

\--

The party gets moving again, eventually. It’s subdued, but it’s also late enough that it makes sense. The kids are allowed to keep playing outside, but Kurama comes down from whatever nap he was taking to keep an eye on them. He steals an entire platter of desserts as ‘payment.’

Nobody stops him.

“Is that… normal?” Baki asks, once they’re back inside. There aren’t any actually _inhabitants_ of the house there, but apparently Kakashi is a decent substitute.

“The seals?” Kakashi asks. “Ah… things happen.”

Baki eyes him, but it’s Rasa that speaks, eyes on a sensibly short glass of whiskey, rotating it to watch the ice slide ‘round the bottom.

“I never had the fortune to fight alongside an Uzumaki, nor the misfortune to fight against one,” he says, and Kakashi feels a pinch at his spine, a phantom tension. “But I remember the stories. To come up with something that strange by accident is… but a parlor trick, if I remember them correctly.”

Anything is possible with fuuinjutsu, but it doesn’t mean that it _should_ be.

Suna is an ally, Kakashi reminds himself, but it rings hollow. Allies can turn.

Naruto hasn’t even _graduated_ yet, and Suna knows about their skills. Not all of them, not the Jinchuuriki thing or that the clones Naruto used were Kage Bunshin, not about those secret trainings with Kanna and Karin where they learned the stories of their blood and just what monsters lurked within the Uzumaki Mask Shrines.

But it’s still more information than they should have in their hands.

It’s not Naruto that their eyes follow, though. Not later, when bows are made and hands are shaken and goodbye-for-nows said.

No. The person they watch is Kanna.

\--

Kakashi helps clean up. So do the kids, this time with clones banned as part of the punishment for mucking around with space-time. Juugo and Shin get off scot-free, though they still help clean. Kakashi isn’t sure about the other kids, but it all seems very… anxious.

He waits.

Everyone is on top of each other while they clean, and the kids are eventually sent off to bed, and it’s just three Uzumaki adults and Kakashi in the living room.

They sit in silence for a few minutes. Sakura has her head in her hands, and Kanna glares at a wall. Kurama watches them with half-lidded eyes, and Kakashi… he waits.

Sakura sighs after a while. “It’s not the end of the world. The identity of their Jinchuuriki is known to Konoha, and now they know that one of our kids is good with seals to the point of potential self-destruction. We still have the upper hand, if it comes to that.”

“Sakura—”

“It’s not ideal, but we can _work_ with it,” Sakura says, eyes meeting Kanna’s and holding steady. “We’ve had worse.”

“I don’t know how to tell him that the problem is someone connecting him to his parents,” Kanna says. “Not without _telling_ him…”

Kakashi darts a glare to Kurama, chest tightening because _no one is supposed to know,_ but Kurama looks just as bored as he did five minutes ago.

Maybe Kushina had had a brother she never mentioned, who knew she’d intended to have a child this age.

Maybe Kurama connected the dots.

Maybe someone had just told him.

Whatever the case…

“Kanna,” Kakashi says, just loud enough to draw attention to himself. “Do you… do you know how to check Naruto’s seal for damage?”

“…yes,” Kanna says, eyeing him in concern. “Why do you ask?”

“I…” Kakashi trails off, aware that for the first time since they sat down, Kurama looks awake. “None of you—none of you were here for the Kyuubi attack. When Naruto was born.”

Shaking heads from the girls. Kurama just watches, silent.

Kakashi tears his eyes away from the man. “When Shin told us what happened, there was—it wasn’t immediate, but it felt like the Kyuubi’s chakra. I remember it, _everyone_ does, if they were in the village and able to form memories. I know what other bijuu chakra feels like, I know what _Gaara’s_ feels like, and this wasn’t Shukaku. I just—can you check? Can you look at Naruto’s seal and make sure it was just a fluke of…”

He trails off, because Kanna is frozen and Sakura is horrified.

Kurama is sitting back on the couch, head tipped over the rear cushion, a hand over his eyes.

“Who else… who else felt it?” Sakura whispers.

“I don’t know,” Kakashi admits. “Not as many people as should have, maybe, or someone would have _said_ something.”

“Shit,” Kanna says. She stares at him. “Shit, shit, _shit—”_

Kakashi’s fingers dig into his knees. “Kanna, please tell me Naruto’s not about to lose control of the Kyuubi.”

“He’s not,” Kurama grunts. The hand flops out across the couch, but he doesn’t lift his head, just stares at the ceiling. “The seal is airtight, and even if it wasn’t, the Kyuubi doesn’t need controlling.”

“But… that chakra…” Kakashi says. “I know what I felt, and it—”

“It wasn’t _Naruto’s_ Kyuubi,” Kanna says, and she sounds utterly miserable. “It was _mine.”_

Kakashi’s heart skips a beat.

They all stare at him. Sakura looks away first, but Kanna just looks harried. Kurama is… unreadable.

“Explain,” Kakashi finally manages. “Please.”

Kanna removes her glasses, rubs at her eyes. She seems so tired, so much older than she is, but… that’s true of any of them, isn’t it?

“A newborn can’t handle the full Kyuubi,” Kanna says. “Some of the lesser Bijuu, but not the Kyuubi, not even an Uzumaki can. Minato tore it in half, and sealed the Yang half in Naruto. The Yin half… he fed to the Shinigami, along with himself.”

She sucks in a breath, heavy and harsh in her throat. “But there are people who know how to access that, and at least one of them is an enemy of Konoha. It’s difficult, but… you just get the mask. You go to the shrine, you wear the Shinigami’s mask, and you cut your own belly open.”

“Not many can survive it,” Sakura says. “But Orochimaru…”

She winces.

Enemy of Konoha, indeed. The thought flutters through Kakashi’s head, and he quashes it. His fingers are laced tightly together, knuckles white as paper, and he can’t remember when he moved them to do that.

“So the options were to leave it there, or to take it,” Kanna says. “And I’m an Uzumaki. I have the chakra chains, and I know fuuinjutsu, and I _studied_ the various Jinchuuriki seals for so, so long before I did this. And I can survive a gut wound. It’s easy, even.”

She unbuttons her blouse, and Kakashi watches the ink bleed black across the stomach.

“It looks like Kushina’s,” Kakashi whispers.

It does. There’s an odd little addendum, though, a circle up and to the side connected by a squiggle of ink. The back of his mind likens it to a balloon.

“What is that?” Kakashi asks, eyes fixed on the added piece.

“I don’t fuck with Naruto’s seal, but I do… mess around with mine,” Kanna admits. “Sometimes.”

“What _is_ it?” Kakashi asks, because his mind is racing and bile is building and he doesn’t know what it is, not at all, but there’s a horror in him.

“An externalization seal,” Kanna says, slow and careful. “Manifestation, really.”

Kakashi processes that. He tries to put the pieces together, puzzle pieces flying apart and together, square pegs in round holes, loops of wire that just won’t untangle.

It comes, eventually.

Kanna smiles at him, sad and apologetic, like she can tell what he just realized.

Of course she can.

Kakashi looks to Kurama. “You…”

Kurama quirks a brow. “Me.”

“You killed Minato and Kushina.”

Kurama pulls a face, grimaces, scoffs. “Mind-controlled.”

Kakashi’s on his feet and with lighting around his fist before he thinks, and it’s only the chains around him that stop him.

He twists in the hold, stares in confusion at Kanna because _why._

“Stand down,” she says. “He can’t die, for one thing. The only thing you’re going to achieve is damaging the couch.”

She lets go of the chains, and he drops back into his chair.

He feels empty.

“You just… let the Kyuubi walk around,” Kakashi hears himself say. “Around your _kids._ Around _Naruto.”_

“I’m not a danger to Naruto,” Kurama grumbles, and Kakashi idly notes that Sakura’s glaring at the man. The bijuu. “Or _any_ of the kids. Hell, I’m not even a danger to the assholes who put me under mind-control genjutsu, because one’s dead and the other’s _off-limits.”_

“Because the off-limits one is under a goddamn _slave seal,”_ Sakura hisses, and chakra crackles across the skin of one bare arm.

Kakashi should be more worried about that than he is.

Kurama palms his face, and then turns to Kakashi. Half his face is still covered by one hand, and the other is inhuman. It always _was._ Kurama’s face stole Kushina’s features, but plastered them over with Kyuubi-red hair, with fangs and slit eyes and a disposition that Kakashi had joked was feral so often that it feels like he should have _known._

“I don’t _hate_ humans,” Kurama says. It’s a lie. It has to be. “Not all of them. The part where they try to enslave me, _regularly,_ that pisses me off, but random humans? I used to get worshipped in some areas. Mostly civilians, but… I only started to hate, _truly_ hate, when Uchiha Madara used that damned eye of his to make me attack your Shodai.”

No. No, that can’t be it. It can’t be.

The Kyuubi can’t be a good person because then _Kakashi’s grief is all his own._

Obito was his fault and Rin was his fault and until now he could at least blame the deaths of his teacher and surrogate sister on a mindless, furry ball of hate, but if he can’t even do _that,_ then it’s just him. It’s just coming back to Kakashi being responsible. Somehow. It’s all somehow his fault, he knows it.

“Madara was also behind the attack the night Naruto was born,” Kurama says.

Kakashi’s head snaps up, and he fixes his sole eye on the fox in human form.

“Not directly,” Kurama says, watching Kakashi like _he’s_ a rabid animal. “But on his orders. It was… shit.”

Kurama rubs a hand down his face. “We need the privacy seals.”

“Why?” Kanna asks, thought she’s already getting up out of her seat and going to the wall.

“Because I need to explain the family drama,” Kurama says. Sakura winces, but Kurama turns to Kakashi. He gestures to the girls. “I can’t tell you everything, even if I wanted to, because these monsters still hold the reins. Madara’s pawn is… complicated, but I can tell you about Madara, and before him Zetsu, and before _him,_ Kaguya.”

Kakashi stares at him.

“Right,” Kurama says. He grimaces. “Let’s start with the granny from hell.”

\--

Kakashi needs therapy.

Sakura gives him a hug, and puts a hand to his cheek, and tells him to talk to Inoichi, because Inoichi _knows._

The Hokage, and Inoichi, and Jiraiya. They know. So do a few other people. It’s…

Kakashi can’t think.

He goes to Inoichi.

~~Kurenai would be so proud, if she knew.~~

\--

He hunts down Gai.

It’s not a difficult choice. For all that Kakashi’s made _friends_ in recent years, there are few that he’d really go to for something like this. Gai, maybe Genma. They understand him as a person, for all that others try.

The wind that crosses the top of the Hokage monument is cold. Fresh. Invigorating, maybe, for all that Kakashi feels like an empty vessel.

“What would you do,” Kakashi asks, looking out across the village, “If you found out someone had kept a secret from you, something that changes your very understanding of the world? And it was under the orders of the Hokage, but you still resent them?”

“I take it that it’s best to not approach this as a hypothetical, then,” Gai says. He presses his shoulder to Kakashi’s, and it would be a comfort, would be _grounding,_ if Kakashi actually felt like he fit inside his own skin.

“Mm,” he says, and his eyes won’t focus on the clouds before him. “It’s… ah. Let’s say you had a friend, Waru, and Waru had a friend you didn’t know as well, Kimi. And you talked to Kimi, and they seemed nice and you thought you had something of a friendship building, and then you found out that Kimi had killed someone very close to you a few years ago. And when you got angry about it, Waru told you that Kimi being who they are was an S-rank secret, and that Kimi had been controlled to kill your friend all those years ago, and hadn’t done it of their own free will, but _might have anyway.”_

“And now you resent Kimi, but you feel _betrayed_ by Waru for encouraging you to befriend Kimi despite knowing what they did, because they probably could have guessed that you’d react poorly to Kimi’s real identity,” Kakashi finishes. “So… what do you do?”

Gai is silent, thoughtful in a way few people get to witness. Kakashi lets that silence rest in what space is between them. Sound might even be too much right now. He’s all fuzzy at the edges, with a breath that isn’t his and a weight to every piece of fabric that he’d normally never notice.

It feels like _nothing_ is real right now.

“I would talk to Kimi, I think,” Gai says, finally. “For if they too were a victim, then hate may not be deserved, and if you were already on the path to becoming friends, then maybe they thought that it shouldn’t matter, for they were not in control of their actions. Perhaps you would have been friends had the deaths not happened, and they wanted what would have been without the interference of whatever nefarious entity controlled them.”

Talk to Kurama.

Talk to the Kyuubi.

 _Befriend_ the Kyuubi, even.

Kakashi hasn’t visited the Uzumaki house in three and a half days.

It feels like an eon.

“And Waru?” Kakashi asks.

“Perhaps they thought the same,” Gai muses. “And the Hokage’s decree was a useful way to hide the truth, but they wanted their friend to experience a life without crimes hanging over their head due to actions that were not their own in the first place.”

That Sakura and Kanna had wanted Kurama to experience life as a regular person, without the crimes of Madara and his ilk poisoning the interactions.

Gai takes Kakashi’s hand, rubs a thumb over his knuckles. “If Orochimaru came back tonight and possessed Anko, forced her to kill Kurenai, and then she fought him off and returned to herself, would you tell Asuma whose hands had wielded the blade?”

It’s not the same thing, because Kakashi and Anko and Asuma already know each other, but—

Maybe.

Maybe?

Gai laces his fingers with Kakashi’s, and it’s more grounding than anything else has been. Kakashi faintly remembers one night, age eighteen, stolen kisses that trailed off into sobs and wails that nobody else saw. They’d never tried it again, never felt the need to, but it was a memory Kakashi cherished. Gai had stopped, without question, held Kakashi as a friend and asked for nothing more, no matter what excitement those experiments had held.

Kakashi turns and presses his face to Gai’s shoulder.

Solid. Warm. Dependable.

His oldest friend, these days.

“Have you spoken with anyone else?” Gai asks.

“Yes,” Kakashi says. He doesn’t want to elaborate.

Gai hums, low and deep and it’s quiet but somehow still suffuses Kakashi to the bone.

He is comforting in ways nobody else matches.

“I don’t want to talk to—to ‘Kimi,’” Kakashi admits. “We got along well enough, but the idea terrifies me, now that I know.”

“Fear not, my friend,” Gai says. “Your heart is stronger than anyone I have ever met. Whatever fear you have will be outweighed by your strength of will.”

Kakashi laughs at that.

Gai is the one with willpower. He always has been.

He is not settled back into his skin, but he’s… closer. The edges aren’t quite so fuzzy.

He’s almost a real person again.

\--

It takes another day and a half before Kakashi goes to the Uzumaki house, checks who’s inside (because he might not be as good as Kanna, because _nobody_ is as good as Kanna, but he still has enough chakra sensitivity to scan a house or track a neighborhood), and goes in.

Kurama is there, alone, and… ironing.

Apparently.

“Can we talk?” Kakashi asks.

The man—the _bijuu—_ looks up at him, and then down at the apron he’s taking the wrinkles out of. He pauses, clearly torn, and then sighs. He shuts the iron off and sets it off on another part of the board where it won’t burn or melt anything, and says, “Get you a drink?”

“No thanks,” Kakashi says. His voice is quiet. He hates that.

There are bigger issues at play.

When Kakashi sits, it’s at the edge of the armchair, tense and visibly flighty, and he knows it. The fact that Kurama sits the way he always does, lounging like a predator and with eyes half-lidded, doesn’t help.

“What did you want to know?” Kurama prompts.

Kakashi doesn’t flinch. It’s a near thing. “Kushina always said that you felt angry. Full of hate. But you care about Naruto and the other kids, so that’s obviously… not a given. You said that you were controlled into attacking, but…”

Kurama waits for him to finish the sentence, holding out for an ending that doesn’t come. He sighs, eventually. “Do you know what the inside of that seal looked like?”

No.

No, he doesn’t.

“I spent a good… what, sixty years? Thereabouts. Sixty years in Mito and Kushina’s seals. Those seals were tight, they were well-made, they were _crafty._ Artwork, even. But they were torture. Kushina’s seal didn’t just chain me down, it had stakes all throughout me.”

Kurama blinks, slow and even. “Would you have been happy and kind if you’d spent sixty years being tortured and punished for a crime you didn’t even intend to commit?”

Kakashi looks down at his hands. They’re trembling. He laces his fingers together and presses his hands between his knees. “But you don’t hate them?”

“I do,” Kurama answers. His voice is light. Kakashi doesn’t look to see what his expression holds. “A little. They never asked questions, never tried to understand. Mito thought of me with disgust, and Kushina was scared of me. Mito chose the life of a Jinchuuriki, practically invented it. Kushina was… younger. I don’t hate her as much, really, because she was just a kid. Same age as Karin is right now. She never tried to understand, but she also didn’t really choose it. Someone else chose for her, and she agreed out of duty, and that’s… not something you can hold against a child.”

Nuance. Lots of it.

Kakashi tries to breathe.

He can, but it takes thought.

His mind isn’t safe, but when has it ever been?

“And Naruto?” He asks. It’s barely more than a whisper. “Kanna?”

“Naruto was _literally_ a newborn,” Kurama scoffs. “He had even less choice than Kushina, and he doesn’t know what I am, yet, but he’s a ball of hell-damned sunshine. If he does anything more than bluster for a few minutes and yell at me before trying to befriend me out of _spite,_ I’ll eat my hat.”

“You don’t have a hat.”

“I’ll eat Kanna’s.”

“She will _literally_ murder you.”

It’s so easy to slip back into that dynamic. To see that wry, sardonic grin and poke until he gets a reaction from Naruto’s precious ‘uncle.’

“She can try,” Kurama laughs, and then subsides. He eyes Kakashi for a few moments, weighing him. Measuring. “I don’t like Kanna much, but we work together. It’s a partnership born of need, and we both recognize it. Mito chose the life, Kushina agreed to it, and Naruto was forced into it, but Kanna… she _negotiated._ She freed me from the prison I was in, and told me the situation, and offered a deal. It’s… ah. Mito and Kushina’s seals were torture, but Naruto’s is just a cage. Unpleasant and isolating, but pretty much harmless. Kanna’s isn’t a cage, for all that she used to be a warden. It’s… a safehouse. A place to hide until the danger is past. An ambush position, maybe, for when my bastard of an uncle finally makes his move.”

Negotiating with a Bijuu is a wild, terrifying idea that would get Kakashi laughed out of any bar he brought it up in, but Kurama’s more than proven that he’s a rational creature. The man, the beast, the _Kyuubi_ can bargain, and not just for power. Not maliciously.

Kakashi closes his eyes and breathes. His skin crawls.

Naruto loves his weird, grumpy uncle. Kanna and Sakura tolerate him, at minimum. Karin uses him as a jungle gym, and Juugo and the Root kids just enjoy his presence as the favorite babysitter, tied for first with Kakashi himself.

Kakashi opens his eyes, and looks. It’s still Kushina’s face, still all her features with a tiny twist. More masculine, a few features just _off_ in a way that might have come from Mito, for all Kakashi knows. A ploy, sure, to make it easy to justify his presence in Konoha, in this _house,_ but also… a sign. Maybe.

His expression is so calm. Just… waiting for Kakashi to come to a decision.

Kakashi wants to hate him, but he feels empty.

“You might be more human than I am, at this point,” Kakashi says, and he buries his face in his hands, elbows on his knees, and can’t help but shudder.

“Pretty sure that’s what the therapy’s for,” Kurama remarks, and it’s not even _snide._

Kakashi laughs, and the sound is broken even to his own ears.

He thinks about how he came in to find Kurama _ironing._ How the man is probably more domestic than any other adult in the kids’ lives, if only because he _can’t_ exist away from the manifestation seals Kanna has etched into the walls and her own skin. How the man cooks and cleans and patiently helps Naruto with homework, or Sai with interactions, or Juugo with the chickens, how he does all that when everyone else is on missions or working or just plain busy.

The Kyuubi no Kitsune is a goddamn _househusband._ House-uncle. House-bijuu. A stay-at-home whatever, if only because he’s basically under house arrest.

It’s the world’s worst joke and Kakashi’s the butt of it.

“I keep forgetting,” Kurama says, and Kakashi lifts his head just enough to drop his chin into his hands and stare. “You’re all so _young.”_

“I’ve been a shinobi since I was five,” Kakashi says, but the words are dead in his mouth.

“That’s not a good thing,” Kurama tells him. “You’re all kids. I’m over ten times older than your village. I was old centuries before it was a sparkle in Hashirama’s eye. Even the oldest of you humans… brats.”

“Like unto mayflies,” Kakashi mutters, and Kurama barks a laugh out.

“Yeah, basically,” Kurama sighs. “It’s not that time passes differently for me, but that it all looks so different in perspective. Things you see as unshakable truths are so much newer than any of you humans thinks. Some of the oldest summons, my siblings… that’s all that’s left, of the age. Sage, but you’re all so damned _young.”_

Kakashi wants to argue, because being told he was a child has always been used to hold him back, and while a lot of that was for his own good and _would_ have been good, in hindsight… it rankles to be told he’s young.

But he can’t argue with the chakra beast that’s over forty times his age.

“Come here,” Kurama says.

“What.”

Kurama quirks a brow, and while he doesn’t look _soft,_ Kakashi somehow feels at ease.

“Humans never did figure out that the big ol’ scary Kyuubi could sense _any_ emotion, not just hate,” Kurama says. He slings an arm across the back of the couch, like he does when he’s silently encouraging Naruto to come and cuddle. “So I know exactly what you’re feeling right now, and I’m saying… come here. If it’s not going to cause another freak-out.”

What the _fuck._

“You’re fucking with me.”

Kurama shrugs. “Kitsune _are_ tricksters, but not this time. You’re too important to the brat and all the family. They definitely wouldn’t be happy if I broke you.”

 _Fragile,_ Sai had said.

Kakashi feels like he’s piloting a foreign object when he stands up, because the situation is so weird already that this _might as well happen._

He sits on the couch. He leans to the side. He’s pulled gently into a side hug by the most terrifying monster in living memory, and it’s warm.

Kurama is _warm,_ in heat and in chakra. Naruto may be sunshine, but Kurama is a banked fire in winter, dangerous but comforting.

Kakashi doesn’t know what to do about it, but it doesn’t matter.

The chakra washes away at his anxiety, and he falls asleep.

\--

As quickly as Kakashi is lulled to sleep by Kurama’s chakra, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still a shinobi, and shinobi wake up at loud noises.

The door slams and Kanna strides in, eyes wild. She doesn’t react to the sight in front of her, though Jiraiya— _right behind her_ —does. She slams a paper down on the kitchen island.

“Kurama,” she says, voice tight. “Come look at this.”

The man _checks to see if Kakashi is awake_ before standing up, because apparently the Kyuubi has a Dad Mode. He wanders over to the island, and Kakashi… doesn’t want to be left out, honestly, so he ambles over with his hands in his pockets and a weird feeling in the back of his throat.

It might be an emotion.

The paper is Naruto’s seal from earlier in the week. Kakashi’s getting a closer look now than he did before, and it’s… it makes no sense. If he had a few months and reference book, Kakashi might be able to untangle it in his free time, but it’s not… it’s just not.

It’s just Not.

“Oh,” Kurama says, because apparently this makes _perfect_ sense to him.

“Yeah,” Kanna breathes, eyes shining. “Kid hit the _jackpot.”_

Jiraiya meets Kakashi’s eyes over the island and smiles ruefully. “Uzumakis. Don’t even need _words.”_

“He told me he’s the Kyuubi,” Kakashi deadpans.

Jiraiya blinks for a moment, and then shrugs. “Three out of the four Jinchuuriki he’s had were Uzumaki Seal Mistresses. Gotta pick something up after a while. Besides, Kanna said the body was as biologically Uzumaki as a blood-augmented Kage Bunshin could get.”

“A what now.”

“Oi. Idiots. Time-space seal.” Kanna snapped her fingers. “If you’re not going to talk about how to unravel what Naruto did so we can rework it for the Tobi trap, get out of my sight.”

“Well, I’m useless,” Kakashi mutters.

Kanna looks up, expression hard, and—stops.

She looks at Kurama.

She looks at Kakashi.

“So… y’all figured it out? Where to go from here?”

Kakashi shrugs. He certainly feels better now. “I guess.”

Kanna squints at him, and then nods sharply. “Good. The kids missed you. Now get out of my house so I can break the laws of physics.”

Kakashi pouts at her, and she rolls her eyes.

“Don’t you have a Kazekage to seduce?”

Yes. Yes he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi: I tried making out with Gai once because we were curious but I ended up having a panic attack that turned into a grief-fueled breakdown and I don't want to talk about it but if anyone ever touches a hair on this man's head, I'm pulling out the big jutsu.


	14. A Whirlwind of Prepwork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, the Kazekage situation is somehow MUCH less complicated than things that actually involve love and related emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: sexual references including innuendo, lovers' quarrels, a teenager's perspective on dealing with jealousy about loved ones developing new connections

Kakashi doesn’t lose himself, but he does… somewhat try to.

He’s back on an even keel, more or less, but the waters are still rocky. Gai is helpful, always, and Tenzō offers to stay over for a few nights, though Kakashi doesn’t take him up on the offer. Kakashi can’t afford to run a field mission while the Suna contingent is in town, so he’s not getting any distractions there. Still, Suna contingent.

Kazekage.

Kakashi has a bet to win.

\--

It takes another week, one filled with ‘accidental’ meetings and brushing hands and heavy-lidded gazes, interspersed with avoiding the Hokage and a little blond girl who’s determined to keep her dad from getting any action. _Everyone_ knows what Kakashi is doing, and he’s not being _subtle,_ but the Kazekage is ambiguous about it. He doesn’t reject Kakashi, flirts back just enough that it’s not quite plausible deniability, but doesn’t _do_ anything about it. Like he hasn’t made up his mind yet.

Kakashi can work with that, and so he does, and ends up in Rasa’s room with his flak jacket off and his mouth full of an older man’s tongue.

The whole situation is just… a success. Kakashi’s the one to push towards the bed, because he knows what he wants out of tonight, and that’s just easier if—

Wait.

Informed consent.

“I should mention,” Kakashi says, after breaking the kiss that keeps him hovering above Rasa on his hands and knees. “That while I am genuinely attracted to you and looking forward to this, I wouldn’t have been this determined in my pursuit if not for the intent to win a bet that was made about me.”

“So I heard,” Rasa responds, voice dry. “Shinobi like to gossip.”

“That’s a relief,” Kakashi sighs, and leans down to press his nose into Rasa’s neck. “Wouldn’t want to _cause an international incident_ by offending a Kage when he found out he was part of a bet.”

“I assure you, an international incident wouldn’t stem from a _one-night stand,”_ Rasa grumbles, and his hands come up to start pulling at Kakashi’s shirt. “Off. Now.”

“Demanding,” Kakashi teases, but he does it.

It’s a good night.

\--

“You _bitch,”_ Anko hisses with delight. “I can’t believe you actually _did it!”_

Kakashi raises a glass, and half the bar cheers. The other half boos him, because his success has cost them money.

He drinks through his mask, purely for the way Raidō rolls his eyes.

“Your winnings, good sir,” Asuma says, slapping a wad of bills into Kakashi’s hands. “That’s a couple month’s rent right there.”

Kakashi blinks. “The odds were fifty to one. That’s pretty big, but how much did you _bet?”_

Asuma grins and doesn’t meet his eyes. “I had faith.”

“In me,” Kakashi says drily.

“In your skills as a master ho,” Asuma corrects, and Anko cackles so hard she starts coughing.

“I _am_ a master ho,” Kakashi says, pressing a hand to his chest. “Thank you for noticing.”

Genma’s giving him a stink eye from the other side of the bar, and Kakashi curls his fingers in a sarcastic wave. Genma flips him off.

Kakashi eye-smiles a bit harder.

“Was it even any good?” Anko presses. “Like, was it worth it?”

Kakashi considers this for a moment, and then says, as casually as he can manage, “It was a fun ride.”

It takes her a moment, but the claps a hand to her mouth and falls to the side with gleeful giggles, headfirst into Kurenai’s flak jacket.

“You’re all so stupid,” Kurenai laments.

“Didn’t you make money off of this?” Raidō asks.

“That doesn’t mean I think it was smart,” Kurenai says. “At all.”

Kakashi isn’t actually offended by this, because he agrees with her. The entire bet was stupid as hell, and he’s pretty sure he’s going to have to watch out for a stabby preteen with a fan the size of her entire body soon. Still, some of Kakashi’s friends made good money off of this, and the ones who lost money didn’t lose _that_ much, and also were jerks who didn’t think he could do it.

Like Genma.

Kakashi grins and drinks a bit more.

Today is a good day.

\--

Kurama’s sitting on the porch, playing a game of _go_ with Sai. He looks up when Kakashi’s shunshin lands midway up the path to the house, and shakes his head.

“You might not want to go in there.”

Kakashi blinks. “And why’s that?”

“Ever seen two S-Rank kunoichi get into a screaming match about which of them needs to take on all the risk and go on an incredibly dangerous mission because they’re that worried about the other one?” Kurama asks.

“No,” Kakashi says. He remembers Kushina and Minato, one afternoon, and if there was ever an S-rank kunoichi in his life before these two, she’d be it. “I can imagine, though.”

“Sakura-san doesn’t usually yell,” Sai says quietly. Kakashi can barely hear them. “But Kurama-san said that she used to ‘screech like a banshee.’ They made us all leave the house when they started raising their voices. Karin said that it was because they don’t want to scare us because this is a problem for just the two of them.”

“Do you agree?” Kakashi asks, unable to skip past his curiosity.

Sai shrugs. “I am a child, technically, and I was not told what the mission is, or why it is dangerous. I think I am happy that they made us leave. Sometimes Naruto cries if he hears someone shout, even if it is not at him. Juugo can feel it when people are unhappy, sometimes, and it makes him nervous.”

Kakashi catches Kurama’s eye, and is met with a grimace.

It’s all true, of course. That’s why, on the rare occasions something like this happens, it’s private and sequestered from the kids.

“What are my chances if I go inside?” Kakashi asks, looking directly at Kurama for his answer.

Kurama shrugs. “The hell would I know?”

Ah. Right. Kurama’s kind of a dick.

Kakashi had somehow forgotten that.

He ruffles Sai’s hair on the way to the door, opens it just enough to slip in, and—well, he hesitates.

Because the yelling actually _is_ really loud.

He sidles in and shuts the door behind him so the privacy seals take effect and don’t let the argument outside, and then follows the noise.

Sakura stops yelling before Kakashi gets to the room, before he can really parse any of the words, and he finds the two of them in the living room, red-faced and, in Sakura’s case, with tears streaming. The curtains are closed over the windows.

“Right,” Kakashi says. “Kurama told me the basics.”

“Get out,” Sakura says, and her voice is the kind of hoarse that only comes from screaming one’s heart out.

“Any chance I can actually help?” Kakashi asks. He keeps his tone as even and low as he can. He tucks his hands into his pockets. “You two have done a lot for me, and I don’t want to see my friends dealing with this sort of thing alone, yeah?”

The two women glare at each other for a moment, tension in every line, and then Sakura turns on her heel and stalks to the kitchen. “I’m making some tea.”

Kakashi doesn’t comment on that. She clinks in the background, ceramic and metal and rustling bags, and there is no wall to muffle the wet little hiccup and sniffle.

Kakashi takes a seat on the ottoman. Kanna drops onto the couch, heavy and with a massive, gusting sigh.

“Kurama said something about a mission?” Kakashi prompts.

Kanna looks up, lips twisted into a grimace from a horror novel, and says, “Yeah.”

“Tea,” Sakura says. “Or we don’t talk.”

Sakura’s temper has a longer fuse than Kanna’s, but Kakashi’s pretty sure that when it finally lights up, it’s so much worse.

He’s not sure if this is the temper, but it’s terrifying all the same.

The tea is made in silence, and Kakashi accepts his mug in silence. Sakura sits on the armchair, and her grip on her own mug is deceptively light. For all that Kakashi is mostly calm if he ignores the knot of anxiety hiding behind his lower right ribs, and Kanna is white-knuckled around her own mug, Sakura is… liable to shatter the ceramic if she forgets herself.

“Okay,” Kakashi says. “I want to help. Tell me what the argument is.”

They look at each other again, and it’s one of those wordless conversations that Kakashi always knows are about how much they should tell him, how many secrets to share of the things they hide from all but the select few that Kakashi only sort of knows.

“There’s someone in Ame that has massive reason to hate Konoha,” Sakura says. “And it’s Danzō’s fault. We want to send them Danzō’s head, and along with it, an invitation to pass along to the true ringleader of their operation to meet with us. That’s what the Tobi seal is for, the ringleader. But the person in Ame is… incredibly powerful. Once they get the head, though, they might be mollified, at least enough to listen to us.”

“Okay,” Kakashi says. “When you say powerful…”

“S-rank, on the level where you’d need all three of the Sandaime’s students, and even then it wouldn’t be a sure bet,” Kanna says. “That said, he’s an Uzumaki. I can play the family card. I can go and meet him and say ‘hey, we’re related, did you know?’ and it won’t _absolutely_ work, but it’s a damn sight better than—”

“He is _hunting Jinchuuriki,”_ Sakura snaps, and the air snaps with her. “You are _not_ going to Amegakure with a _Bijuu in you.”_

Ah.

Yes, that would… that would do it.

Kakashi sips his tea.

“I can play the family card,” Kanna argues back. “I’ve got my chains, I’ve got my _seals,_ I am an S-rank in my own right and I am _very, very good at escaping.”_

Sakura clenches her jaw. Kakashi worries for her teeth. “You. Are. A Jinchuuriki. You cannot walk into the lions’ den.”

“And you can?” Kanna asks softly. “With what Zetsu will want of you, to bring Madara back?”

“They have seals to detect Jinchuuriki,” Sakura argues. “Not—not what I have.”

“They could.”

“They _couldn’t,”_ Sakura argues. “They _wouldn’t._ Not when it’s inactive. They don’t even know to look for it, they don’t know that anyone other than Nagato _could_ have it.”

“Have what?” Kakashi asks, and they freeze.

A breath.

Two.

“Have _what?”_ Kakashi asks, and Sakura crumples in on herself, pressing the heels of her palms into her eye sockets, and the backs of her palms to her knees.

Her shoulders shake.

“We should have had this conversation years ago,” Kanna says, bitter and gazing into the space past her tea mug. “We didn’t think it would come to this point this soon, so we put it off, and now we’re dealing with the fallout.”

Delightful.

“Who else is going?” Kakashi asks instead. “Is it a solo mission, or…?”

“We can’t _both_ go,” Kanna says. “There’s just—there’s too much in Konoha. Too many worst-case scenarios. It’s too far to send a clone. We know Jiraiya’s coming, thought about asking you. Not sure who else, yet, but my vote is Maito Gai.”

That’s refreshing.

“I… think Sakura should go,” Kakashi admits, and Kanna turns a betrayed glare on him. Sakura’s head snaps up, staring at him in surprise.

“If what you said is correct, about what they _can_ sense and what they _can’t,_ then I think you’re more likely to get the diplomatic resolution you’re hoping for with Sakura going,” Kakashi says. “You’re both incredibly powerful, but between that and the likelihood that we’ll need at least one skilled healer if it goes sour, with a preference of not having to violate Kanna’s bodily autonomy…”

The full-body flinch makes him feel a bit guilty, but it’s not like he’s talking about something unlikely. Kakashi’s been a ninja for almost twenty years. He knows the worth of a medic, and he knows that Karin and Kanna hate the idea of sharing their bodies for healing.

He’s not going to suggesting putting her through that.

“Did you ask the Hokage?” Kakashi asks carefully.

“He told us he’d let us sort it out,” Kanna says, bitter as hell and twice as obvious about it. “Because we know the situation better.”

Kakashi’s not sure if that’s true or if Hiruzen just didn’t want to get in the middle of this particular fight.

Which… Kakashi has taken the initiative to involve himself in instead, because he makes _great_ decisions.

“Could you make use of the emergency summoning seals?” Kakashi asks.

“We’ve talked about it,” Sakura says, stiff as a board.

“Ah,” Kakashi says, because of course. “Okay, then.”

He’s regretting.

“I still vote on the side of _not_ sending a Jinchuuriki to the people hunting bijuu,” Kakashi says. “Family or not. Besides, Sakura said she’s been missing field work, right?”

She sends him a grateful, pained smile. The stakes are so much higher.

“That said, does it _have_ to be one of you?” Kakashi prods. “Er, could it just be Jiraiya? If Zetsu wants something from Sakura as well, then—”

“It _has_ to be one of us,” Sakura says, shaking her head. “There are… if the meeting goes in certain directions, it has to be. It _might_ not be necessary, but the odds aren’t great, and they have a _grudge_ against Jiraiya, who is unfortunately the only person that can and _would_ go, and actually knows the whole story.”

“Then why is he going at all?” Kakashi asks.

“Because for all that they have a grudge, he was also their teacher,” Kanna says grimly. “He’s the backup plan.”

There’s a whole lot in that statement. Kakashi’s not sure he wants to touch it, as much as he wants to poke fun at one of the Densetsu no Sannin being a _backup plan._

“Do you mind leaving us alone for a bit?” Sakura asks, and for all that she looks tired and sad and _fond,_ there is no room for give this time. “Thanks for trying to help, but this is really something we need to figure out between the two of us.”

He hesitates.

“Aa,” Kakashi finally acquiesces. “Do you mind if I hang out with the kids? I can help Naruto with his Taijutsu again.”

“I’m sure he’d appreciate it,” Sakura says. “Out back, there you go.”

\--

“Treat me to dinner.”

“Senpai, get _off.”_

“Tenzō,” Kakashi whines, dropping even more of his weight onto his precious kohai’s back. “I’m so _hungry_. Would you leave a poor wolf to starve?”

“Yes.”

Kakashi lets himself get heavier, and Tenzō flails while trying to push him off.

“You are _covered in blood,”_ Tenzō groans. “We’ve barely finished debrief!”

“Tenzō,” Kakashi says again, drawing out the ‘o’ as far as he can. “It’s been so long since we hung out.”

“I want to _sleep,”_ Tenzō complains. “And shower. And catch up on that house remodeling show that started coming out of Earth Country last summer.”

“But… dinner,” Kakashi presses. “You are a _growing boy—”_

“I’m twenty,” Tenzō grumbles.

“—and you need all your nutrients!”

Yamato sends a desperate look at Yuugao, who ignores him.

“Kakashi-senpaaaaaaaaai,” Tenzō whines.

Kakashi’s about to badger him a little more, because Tenzō is nothing if not fun to tease, but he gets cut off by the arrival of an unfamiliar face.

“Hatake-san,” the woman says. The look on her face is… distinctive. Former Root. “Hokage-sama requests your presence.”

Debrief had been with ANBU command, but there had been nothing unusual about the mission. Not enough to warrant a meeting with the Hokage. “Just me?”

“Just you,” the woman confirms. She turns around, and Kakashi gets hit by a sudden wave of realization as he see her hair.

“Hinoto?” He asks, and the woman pauses. Tenzō makes a noise of recognition behind him.

“I go by Mariko, now,” the woman says softly. She does not look back at them. “Shall we away?”

“Ah, yes,” Kakashi says. “Tenzō, I’ll cash in on that dinner later.”

“I never _promised—”_

“Bye bye~!” Kakashi teases, hopping off after Mariko. “So, this is where you ended up after… the incident?”

Mariko doesn’t shoot him a look, but it’s a near thing. Maybe. Her face is hard to read. “I have completed my mental reconditioning. Hokage-sama has cleared me for light active duty within the village.”

One step of many, he’s sure. He remembers her skill with the tantō and her staff. It would be a shame to waste that on internal missions if she’s open to running proper ones. “Are you enjoying being back in the ranks?”

She blinks, staring straight ahead as they make their way to the administration building. “I have no positive or negative feelings regarding my duty as a kunoichi, but I am relieved to be given something to do. The rehabilitation process was not very mentally stimulating, and the boredom proved… frustrating.”

Kakashi has no idea if that was intentional or not, but he wouldn’t put it past the Root rehab team to try to use the boredom of forced leave as a way to induce emotions.

“Picked up any hobbies?” he tries.

“No,” Mariko says. “Not as of yet.”

Better than ‘no, and I’m not planning on it,’ which is what Kakashi gets with half of the former Root shinobi.

“Well, I hope you find something that brings you happiness,” he says, going for compassion and mostly hitting the target. “Or fulfillment, at least?”

“Mm,” Mariko responds, and her voice is as flat as it has been the entire conversation. “I thank you for your well wishes.”

Cool, cool, cool.

Kakashi’s not great at this whole smalltalk thing.

He’s trying!

But also, like. His conversation partner is former Root. They’re _both_ terrible at this.

Technically, Kakashi’s former Root too, but he was only there for a short bit, on account of doing things like ‘reporting his incredibly illegal assignment directly to the Hokage’ and ‘having emotions that made him super late to things.’

There aren’t any more words exchanged between them until they stand before the Hokage, and then Mariko bows out and leaves Kakashi alone.

Kakashi waits in silence.

“How much,” the Sandaime says, hesitant, and then shakes his head. “How much have the Uzumaki told you about the trip to Ame?”

“Some,” Kakashi says, which he thinks is a pretty great summary. “Definitely not everything. They still haven’t told me what it is that Sakura’s got that Zetsu would be interested in.”

“No, they wouldn’t…” the Sandaime says, deep in thought. “You are aware of the fact that we planned on attaching you to the team being sent out on that mission?”

“Hai.”

The Sandaime eyes him for another moment, more shrewd than tired, and then sets a mission scroll on the edge of his desk. “You leave the day after tomorrow. Seven in the morning, village gates, do _not_ be late.”

Kakashi picks up the scroll, and there’s an itch at the back of his neck.

“Familiarize yourself with the contents in private, then burn the scroll,” the Sandaime says. “The rest of the team for the Ame mission has already received their information, but yours was delayed for obvious reasons.”

Kakashi nods.

“Dismissed.”

\--

Kakashi doesn’t immediately read the scroll. For all that he’d bugged Tenzō about going out for dinner, Kakashi _does_ want a nap and a shower. Also the dinner, but ultimately that’s just one element of many, when it comes to the process of winding down from a mission. So Kakashi showers, tucks the scroll down his shirt for safekeeping, and collapses into his bed with aplomb. The scrabble of nails on tile warns him of the dogs that crawl into bed with him a few seconds later, and he drifts off surrounded by some of the most constant companions of his life.

Surprisingly, he sleeps until late into the morning, getting his full eight hours and then some. He makes himself breakfast, sets his privacy seals, unrolls the scroll, and gets to reading.

An hour and a half later, as he’s burning the damn thing, he wishes he hadn’t.

The list of possible backup shinobi that ‘Pein’ might send is largely made up of S-Rank criminals, including _Uchiha Itachi_ and a guy running around claiming to be Madara, as well as the infamous-among-this-small-circle Zetsu.

It’s a headache and Kakashi’s starting to regret suggesting that Sakura was a better choice than Kanna, because he’s thinking that it might be a good idea to bring a sensor to this shindig.

But no, it’s going to be Kakashi, Jiraiya, Sakura, and Gai.

A great team. A _really_ great team.

But no sensors.

And Kakashi’s… pretty sure that’s at least partly his fault.

He cleans up the ashes of the scroll as he muses on its contents, and this obviously intense process is interrupted by the noise of a knock on his window.

He looks up.

It’s Shin.

That’s unexpected.

Huh.

Kakashi holds up a hand to request a moment, and finishes clearing the ashes. He disarms the window, and Shin rolls in with skill and smoothness beyond any normal genin.

“Kakashi-san,” Shin says, with a small bow.

Kakashi blinks at him. “Shin. You know you can just call me Kakashi-nii, right? I know I’ve told you this before.”

“And I’ve told you that I am not comfortable with that,” Shin responds.

“You know Kanna-chan cried after she realized you called her Aneki?” Kakashi prompts. “Sakura told me about it. Apparently they were _that happy_ that you were finally letting some walls down.”

Shin looks away, a faint blush appearing above his adorable little mask. “That’s not what I’m here about.”

Kakashi sighs. “Alright, then. I don’t really have a couch or anything, but if you want to grab a chair…”

Shin looks at the spare kitchen chair, and then looks at Kakashi and asks, “Can… can we have dogs for this?”

Kakashi would quirk an eyebrow if that sort of thing was actually visible, but it’s not, so he just whistles lowly for the dogs to come in from the bedroom.

“We’ll sit on the floor,” Kakashi declares, taking a seat against the wall, between the windows. His arms come up to cuddle Pakkun and Bisuke as they both climb into his lap and attempt to lick at him, the others already scrambling to press in as close as they can. Kakashi pats the floor next to him, and Shin slowly takes his own spot.

Kakashi waits. Pakkun climbs over to Shin’s lap instead of Kakashi’s, and Shin carefully runs a hand along the tiny summon’s back.

“Sai made another friend,” Shin finally says. “A girl from Naruto’s class. Yamanaka Ino.”

“Good for them,” Kakashi says. He’s pretty sure Naruto doesn’t like Ino, but Naruto doesn’t seem to have set up any actual friendships with the girls in his class.

Shin nods, oddly careful about the motion. He pauses in petting Pakkun, and pulls the summon to his chest. “Juugo’s friend from Orochimaru’s army, Kimimaro, he was finally released from medical custody. He hates Kanna, so they have him staying with some of the other kids from there, but Juugo’s been really happy to see him, and have him visit.”

“Aa,” Kakashi says. “I know he was having some trouble making friends. It’s good for him to have someone outside of the family.”

“I know,” Shin says, voice quiet. “It’s a _good_ thing. I know it is. So… so why do I feel so _angry_ about it?”

Ah.

Kakashi reaches over and scratches Pakkun’s head. “Angry about which part?”

Shin makes a low noise, something Kakashi would have called a whine if it had come from one of his dogs. “I—it feels like someone is stealing my family from me? And it _shouldn’t._ Sai having friends is a _good_ thing. Juugo having friends is _good._ If I could keep it from showing when Sai befriended Hyūga Neji, then I should be able to keep it from showing _now,_ but I’m home less than I was, and I see them all less often, and I can’t seem to connect with my genin team, and my only friend is Hana but _she’s_ busy training for the Chuunin exams, and I just—why? Why am I _angry_ that my siblings are happy? Why am I upset that they’re making friends when it’s a good thing?”

Oh hell. Kakashi isn’t qualified for this.

“Because your emotions are still messed up by what Danzō put you through, and because you’re still working on forming a support network,” Kakashi says. “And you’re jealous, maybe, because you’re having so much trouble with your genin squad. Have you talked to your Jounin-sensei about it?”

Shin shakes his head. “I brought it up with Murasaki-sensei, though.”

His Root rehab team therapist. Better than expected, all things considered.

“That’s good,” Kakashi says, because praise for healthy initiative is a good thing. “And it’s a hard situation. Sai is managing to make new friends partly because they have Karin, and a wider range of people to interact with. Your social circle just shrank a lot, and you don’t have someone to break the ice for you. So there’s a whole mix of emotions there, some of which stem because of how difficult it is for you to widen your own support network with your team, and some of which stem from how Root forced you to get rid of all your connections except Sai. You…”

“I don’t know _how_ to make friends,” Shin says, wrapping his arms around his knees and burying his face into Pakkun’s back. “Sai is my sibling, and our friendship stemmed from me _protecting_ them, and teaching them. Our siblings, and Kanna and Sakura, and Hana, all of them… they took initiative first. I don’t know… how to do that. I can make friends as an _infiltrator,_ but…”

Kakashi bends to his instincts and wraps an arm around Shin’s shoulders, pulling the kid closer. “Making friends is _hard.”_

“How did _you_ do it?” Shin asks. “You—you were Root, just like me. You have friends, though, Sakura-san and Maito-san and some of the other Jounin.”

Kakashi’s wondered that a fair few times himself. Luck, mostly, and Gai being so outgoing that Kakashi kind of got dragged along in his wake.

“There’s a certain camaraderie,” he finally settles on saying, “That springs up with Konoha shinobi who risk their lives together. A lot of my friends these days are people that I was on teams with in ANBU or during the Third War. With people like that, you form bonds no matter how different your hobbies and interests are. That… might take a bit longer with you, though.”

Shin looks at him, eyes wide.

“Maa, how do I put this…” Kakashi lets his head fall back against the wall, staring at his pebbled ceiling. “You’re easily chuunin-level. For all that you’re the same rank as your teammates, you’re leagues ahead of them in terms of experience. It might mean that they look up to you, or they might resent you for making them look bad by virtue of being better than them.”

“Mostly the latter,” Shin admits, voice quiet.

“Aa,” Kakashi says. “That’s how it was for me.”

Shin presses his head into the little patch of flesh below Kakashi’s shoulder, and plucks at the fabric of his pants. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kakashi says. “It took years for me to really become friends with my teammates, and… one of them died before I managed to get my head out of my own ass long enough to actually pay attention to the _idea_ of making friends. I was kind of a fucked up kid, you know. You’re already doing better than I am, on that front. You actually _want_ to make friends.”

Shin stays quiet for a moment as Guruko wriggles halfway onto the kid’s lap in search of further scritches.

“Why is being a person so much harder than being a ninja?” Shin finally asks, voice so low that even Kakashi can barely hear him.

Kakashi shrugs. “I wish I could answer that.”

\--

It strikes Kakashi, on sight, that he’s never caught so much as a glimpse of Sakura in mission gear before.

He’s seen her in her hospital uniform. He’s seen her in her casual clothes. He’s even seen her dressed up for date nights with Kanna, because he’d been the one tagging in for babysitting duty.

He’s never actually seen her dressed for a mission before, and part of him is _deeply_ confused and maybe a little embarrassingly attracted. There’s a bunch of red, including the non-standard field medic skirt, but it’s all decidedly practical. He isn’t close enough to hear what it is that Jiraiya says for Sakura to smack him on the head hard enough to crater the ground, but… well, it’s Jiraiya. Kakashi loves the man almost as much as he loves the man’s writing, but he’s not going to say Jiraiya _didn’t_ deserve it.

Gai looks so damn excited to be going on this mission, but Gai looks that excited for _every_ mission, so that’s not saying much. Maybe a tad more than usual, but Kakashi’s pretty sure that’s mostly because he’s going on a mission with his Eternal Rival.

They also aren’t alone. There isn’t exactly a whole crowd waiting to see them off, but the one person that _is_ there is…

“Just _promise_ me you’ll use the—”

“I’ll use the seal,” Sakura says, and squeezes Kanna’s hands with a smile that is equal parts fond and annoyed. “I will absolutely summon myself back if we run into trouble.”

“And if Tobi—”

 _“Kanna,”_ Sakura says, almost laughing with the stress of the word. “I’ll be fine. I know what I’m doing. I don’t freak out at you over your missions to Orochimaru’s bases, do I?”

“I know, but—”

Sakura cuts her off with a kiss, and pulls back with that same sad, frustrated, loving smile. “I’m an S-rank. I’m one of the scariest bitches on the continent, and I’ve got three stupidly-powerful idiots as backup. Pein and Konan ain’t got shit on me.”

Kanna bites her lip, bounces on her toes, and throws herself forward to hug Sakura. “Don’t you _dare_ leave me.”

“I won’t,” Sakura promises. “We’re all we’ve got, ne?”

Kanna pulls back, blushing furiously and adjusting her glasses. “Yeah, well, I don’t like the idea of being a single mom or whatever, okay?”

“Okay, babe,” Sakura says, ever indulgent.

Kakashi is, like, eighty percent sure that Gai is about to start crying at how Youthfully Adoring their relationship is.

Jiraiya would probably be taking notes if he were any less respectful of Kanna’s background.

(Yeah, Kakashi had finally gotten the story on the ‘rules’ that Sakura had mentioned last year. Turned out that while Sakura didn’t mind Jiraiya’s flirtations so long as she got to smack him, Kanna was liable to freak out on account of a little thing called Massive Fucking Trauma.)

(Kakashi knew Jiraiya well enough to know he’d have backed off at the first sign of that sort of thing anyway, but the rules were Sakura’s way of protecting her wife, and Kakashi could respect that.)

(Ah, the life of a ninja. Always a minefield, whether emotionally or literally.)

“Right!” Sakura declares. “Let’s head out!”

And so they do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, I feel like there's not enough going on in this chapter? But it's 5k, so...
> 
> Also, I was looking for a Root lady to put in that one scene, and there's only two canon women in Root other than Nonou. Three women total. That's wild. (I picked the one with the pretty hair.)


	15. Rain, Rain, Come and Play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step One: Politics  
> Step Two: Gossip  
> Step Three: Furries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm bumping up the rating to M due to last chapter's sex jokes. Feels disingenuous to keep it T+ at this point.
> 
> Warnings: references to canon deaths and violence, very mild gore

There is a _solid wall_ of rain.

Okay, so not like. Solid.

But it’s very _sudden._

“It’s a technique,” Sakura tells them, eyeing Kakashi’s confusion with bemusement.

“It’s a _wall,”_ Kakashi says, looking at how, since there’s a very slight slope leading down and away from them, the ground is literally _dry_ past the wall of rain. Not the kind of bone dry of Wind, or summer in Earth country, but still significant. The rain reaches this line and _does not encroach further._

“It’s a _sensor technique,”_ Sakura stresses. She looks like she’s about to laugh. “A really impressive one, too.”

“All of the rain is infused with minute amounts of Pein’s chakra,” Jiraiya says. He’s… wistful. “Any living thing the rain touches, he’ll know.”

“Which is why we’re going to make ourselves known and wait,” Sakura asserts. She glances at Jiraiya, “You or me?”

“He’ll know my chakra,” Jiraiya says. “So… they’ll get out here faster, but maybe not in the best of moods.”

“Yeah, that’s why I asked,” Sakura says. She rolls her eyes when Jiraiya pouts at her. “Ugh, fine. I’ll handle it.”

She steps forward into the rain, a light layer of chakra rejecting the rain from her skin and clothes and hair. She moves through a handful of signs, and then blows out an unnecessarily large Gōkakyū. Kakashi can tell even without the Sharingan that it’s thinly dispersed and not particularly powerful. The size doesn’t mean anything for the effect, just the volume. It’s not a fighting technique, not this time. It’s just for show.

Just to burn up enough rain to get someone’s attention.

Sakura steps back, shakes off the bits of rain that are clinging to her chakra, and then sits down on a small boulder. “And now we wait.”

\--

They end up setting camp, with Sakura blowing a new fireball every few hours. She barely uses any chakra for it, so they’re not exactly setting themselves up for failure. Kakashi takes the first watch, but it’s not entirely necessary.

The envoy shows up after they’re all awake again, late in the morning. Eleven-thirty, maybe.

The shape sweeps down from the north, large in the sky and somewhat indistinct. Jiraiya retreats to the tent. The enemy might know that he’s here, but if they don’t, then it’s safer to just keep him out of sight until future notice.

Sakura waits at the border of the chakra-laced rain, Kakashi and Gai flanking her. The scroll—the absolutely precious, incredibly concerning scroll—lies five feet ahead of her, just barely avoiding the deluge.

The woman is… beautiful.

For all that they’d spoken of her techniques and general appearance, Kakashi hadn’t been ready for her to be so _attractive._ Her expression mars it a bit, because even the prettiest of people can look ugly if their expression slants towards ‘derisive and dismissive,’ but it’s not enough to hide that she must be absolutely gorgeous when she’s actually in a good mood.

Blue hair, a lip piercing, orange eyes. The body is hidden behind an amorphous blob of a coat, but her bone structure is _magnificent._

Kakashi’s never had a weakness for pretty people, per se, but he’s… good at noticing things.

“Konan,” Sakura says, once the woman is within earshot. The great white wings fold down and in and become nothing, the flaking sheets of paper pressing into the woman’s skin until the cracks are no longer visible. Her expression betrays nothing.

“You are of Konoha,” she notes.

Sakura inclines her head. “I am.”

“What business do you have with Amegakure?” Konan demands, though the tone is so quiet and empty that Kakashi can almost believe it’s just a normal question.

“We’ve brought a gift for peace,” Sakura says. “Upon learning of… certain incidents, we took action. There were many parties this gift could go to, but we felt it best to mend bridges with Ame.”

Konan blinks at them, slow and assured. She lowers her gaze to the scroll on the ground. “Information?”

“Among other things,” Sakura says. She stays where she is. “There is a storage seal on the first portion of the scroll. If you wish to use a clone to open it, we completely understand.”

Konan looks up at her again, and Kakashi wonders if she’s like Root, someone who’s killed all emotion for the sake of someone else’s ideal.

“You brought Jiraiya-sensei,” Konan says softly. “That was… ill-advised.”

Sakura shrugs, deceptively light in the movement. “He’s thought you all dead for a decade. He wanted to assure himself of your survival after we informed him that two of his students yet survive.”

Konan’s expression doesn’t change. She holds Sakura’s gaze for several hard seconds, then slides her eyes to Kakashi. To Gai. To the tent behind them, where Jiraiya may have finally allowed himself to be seen.

She looks down to the scroll again, and steps back, a clone of paper folding out and about and into existence where she stood. Konan retreats, impassive still, and the clone takes a knee and picks up the scroll.

Kakashi doesn’t flinch when the storage seal is released.

Konan simply stills, eyes wide and showing more emotion than anything he’s seen of her yet.

“You killed him,” Konan says, voice somehow _more_ blank than before.

“What’s done in the dark will be brought to the light,” Sakura says. “We aren’t fond of traitors, especially when they claim to represent us.”

It’s perhaps too much information to share with a potential enemy, but Kakashi can see the furious calculation behind those eyes. “I see.”

“A peace offering,” Sakura states, gesturing to the head. “As I said.”

Konan’s eyes flick to Jiraiya, and then back to Sakura. “This is all you intended?”

“No,” Sakura says, and her careful, airy smile lessens. “The man who calls himself Madara is lying to you, and Zetsu is lying to _him._ To collect the bijuu will not give you a superweapon. It is for the sake of an older plot, one that is centuries in the making. To do so, to fall for Zetsu’s schemes, will kill all life as we know it.”

Konan watches her for a long moment, and then ducks her head in a sharp nod. “You wish to speak with Pein?”

“Jiraiya might want to speak with Nagato,” Sakura says, and Kakashi has been on the field too long to miss that there are at least three layers of communication going into that switch of name. “But I don’t want to end up on Zetsu’s radar before I have to. Please consume the information within the scroll and then destroy it; we absolutely _cannot_ afford any of it to reach him.”

“Why should we believe you?” Konan asks. Her paper clone dismisses itself, the storage scroll, and Danzō’s head, laying prone on the drier ground.

Sakura closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “We don’t have much evidence. It’s our word against his. But ask… ask Tobi, the man who calls himself Madara… ask him if he truly thinks the incident with Kiri, the one that broke him, if the timing could have been anything other than a ploy to give him what his teacher needed of him.”

Konan tilts her head. “A convoluted question.”

“He’ll know what it means,” Sakura says. “He’ll understand that Zetsu could have planned it. _Plotted_ it. Set it up, even; the Mangekyo was involved.”

Kakashi has no idea what they’re even talking about anymore.

Konan frowns minutely. “Am I expected to believe that Zetsu planned similarly for Yahiko’s death?”

Sakura blinks. Hesitates. “We have no confirmation. It’s possible. Likely, though we have no way of knowing how. I don’t _think_ it was via Danzō, but I don’t know if he went through Hanzō instead. I do know that he’d have had reason to do it.”

Konan looks down at the scroll, and reseals Danzō’s head. “Once we confirm the information you have provided, how do you prefer that we contact you?”

“It can’t be through any means that Zetsu has access to,” Sakura warns. “So as much as I’d like to leave a summon with you… no. There are instructions there, for when Tobi can meet with us to discuss the manner in which Zetsu lied to _him,_ so if you can pass those along without Zetsu catching wind…”

Konan hides the scroll away inside her massive sleeves. “You fear Zetsu much more than most would.”

“He’s nearly a thousand years old,” Sakura says, voice almost as flat as Konan’s. “I can’t afford to underestimate him.”

“Almost a thousand…”

Sakura grimaces. “He is… effectively a half-brother of the Sage of the Six Paths.”

Konan stares.

“You expect me to believe that.”

Sakura shrugs. “I can’t give you proof, not when it’s a game of he-said she-said, but I’m hoping you’ll take it under consideration.”

Konan watches. Waits. Finally, she nods.

“I will discuss this with Pein. If he agrees, we shall share your information, and your question, with the man who claims to be Madara. Zetsu will be off on missions when these discussions happen. We will…be in touch.”

Sakura nods. “Thank you for your time.”

Konan steps back, but her eyes flick up to the tent before she can turn.

“Do you… want to speak with him?” Sakura asks, careful with every word.

Konan is still as a statue, and then nods, sharp and jerky. “You brought me Danzō’s head. It is enough, I think, to warrant a conversation with our _dear_ sensei.”

Sakura nods again. She turns her back to Konan, a show of trust if not for Kakashi and Gai, and strides away. Kakashi doesn’t move, and neither does Gai, until Jiraiya brushes past and orders them to join Sakura.

Kakashi isn’t sure he wants to hear that conversation.

\--

They head back to Konoha that afternoon, a long and easy lope of a run. Jiraiya has some papers from Konan, ones that will apparently, _somehow,_ transmit messages for them once Konan and Nagato make their decisions. Sakura seems to take that as a sign of good faith from the Ame shinobi, and is content to just head back to Konoha with an easier air than they headed out. For all the anxiety of the trip, it went _remarkably_ smoothly, which Kakashi hopes isn’t a sign that they’re going to get screwed over on the next big job, but honestly? Who even knows anymore.

The entire situation is weird as hell, and Kakashi can only console himself that Gai seems to know as little as he does.

They break for camp halfway back to Konoha, setting out bedrolls and not even really bothering with tents. It’s warm, even balmy, and this particular valley is more or less free of the usual pests. Kakashi still ends up squeezing over by Gai, because immunosuppressants may do a great job at keeping his body from rejecting Obito’s eye, but they’re also… kind of really full of side effects. Being regularly cold is one of them.

“You two are _adorable,”_ Sakura coos.

“Eh?” Kakashi asks, tilting his head.

“Er… Genma said…” Sakura trails off, head tilted. “He said you got together after the Kazekage thing?”

“Genma’s a fucking liar,” Kakashi says flatly. Gai buries his face in Kakashi’s hair to laugh, which is just rude. “I’m not saying I’ve never thought about it, but we gave it a shot _years_ ago and no. Nope.”

“Oh,” Sakura says, a blush rising in her cheeks. “Sorry.”

“There is no offense taken, Most Beautiful Flower!” Gai proclaims. “You are not the first, and surely you won’t be the last, for the friendship between myself and My Esteemed Rival has turned many a head!”

Sakura giggles behind her hand. “I’m sure it has!”

“You ever had a friendship like that?” Jiraiya asks, and Sakura hums.

“I had a friend that turned into a rival when I was a kid. Love rival, specifically, we were both into the same guy. He ended up being… kind of nuts,” she says, and chuckles in a way that’s more self-deprecating than actually humorous. “We, uh, also tried dating at one point. I think I was seventeen? It only lasted a few months, though, and then I ended up dating Kanna, and then Kanna and I ended up dating the childhood crush that went crazy because by that point he’d circled back around to being kind of stable again.”

And Kakashi knows _exactly_ how that ended, at this point.

“Well, I can’t say I _didn’t_ have any confusingly homoerotic rivalries of my own,” Jiraiya tosses in. “But, uh, that ended up a little worse than either of yours did, I think.”

Yeah.

Yeah, that’s one way of putting it.

“With the books you write, I wouldn’t have thought the homoerotic element played a role,” Sakura says, the kind of probing question that’s ready to snap back and bow out of the other party doesn’t react well.

Jiraiya shrugs. “We’re shinobi. We’ve only got so long to live anyway. No point in beating around the bush with anything as dumb as that unless there’s bloodlines to pass on, and I’m clanless, so that wasn’t ever an issue.”

Huh.

“Well, you learn something every day, I guess,” Kakashi mutters. “Maybe the next Icha Icha can play a little fast and loose with the norms?”

“Nah, those don’t sell as well,” Jiraiya says, not a little rueful. “The girl on girl does alright, but I’ve had stores outright refuse to stock anything that does the opposite unless I kill one off at the end. Maybe I can force the issue once I secure the movie deal the publisher’s been talking about, but there’s just no room for it until I have that kind of leverage.”

Right. Lots of the readers are civilians.

“A most unyouthful circumstance,” Gai mutters, and Kakashi can’t help but laugh. He’s pretty sure that was Gai’s goal, since the man chuckles in a way that has Kakashi’s head thrumming with the reverb from Gai’s chest.

His thoughts drift a bit, and he jumps on the new train in the conversational lull.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had a _crush_ turn out poorly,” he muses, “But I once slept with a target for a mission, and her dad spent six months harassing me through the mail and through _the Hokage_ to try and get a marriage contract out of it.”

Sakura chokes on her laughter. “Oh hell, how did you get out of _that_ one?”

Kakashi grins behind his mask. “I’d love to say that I faked my death or claimed a pre-existing marriage contract or lied about my sexuality, but honestly I think he just got a better offer and decided I wasn’t worth it.”

“Ignore the problem until it goes away?” Sakura asks.

Kakashi shrugs. “I mean, hey, if it works…”

Sakura turns to Gai, who laughs and shakes his head. “Alas, I’ve never had the personality or training for any missions of the sort. While I am proud of my skills as a frontline combatant, I’m well aware that I am sorely lacking as an infiltrator or…”

“Honeypot missions,” Kakashi says. “The kind I ran a few times.”

“Enjoyable ones, at least?” Sakura asks.

Kakashi holds up a hand and wiggles it. “Could have been worse, but I still wouldn’t have done it without the paycheck.”

Sakura smiles at him and takes a bite of the ration bar she’s been nursing for the better part of an hour. “I never ran any honeypot missions. By the time I was old enough, I’d already made my skill as a medic and combatant obvious enough that it was seen as a waste. I had friends that did, but I was just…”

“Better at breaking people and fixing them back up again physically?” Kakashi offers.

Sakura snorts, but nods. “Pretty much. No use losing a high-level medic for a few weeks for an infiltration mission that someone else could run better, you know? There are people that are actually _good_ at that.”

It’s absolutely true.

“When I was a teenager,” Jiraiya says slowly, and Kakashi zeroes in with all the senses telling him this is going to be good. “I tried to give Utatane Koharu flowers on her birthday. Roses, specifically.”

Kakashi can’t help the strangled whine of a laugh that escapes him.

“What did she _do?”_ Gai asks, since Kakashi can’t entirely breathe at the moment.

“Patted me on the head and told me it was very sweet, but I was fifteen and should be looking at someone my own age, and that also she was engaged so even if I was her age it would have never gone anywhere,” Jiraiya cheerfully reports. “Tsunade-hime laughed at me for _weeks.”_

Kakashi buries his face in Gai’s flak jacket in a futile attempt to stifle his laughter.

Sakura just cackles, having no such compunctions about laughing at Jiraiya.

“Don’t you laugh at me, missy,” Jiraiya chides, and Kakashi can _feel_ the oncoming gossip. “Your wife told me _you_ used to be Hot For Teacher.”

Sakura shrieks and throws a piece of firewood at Jiraiya. The Sannin dodges, grinning widely.

“Oh my god, why do you _know_ that?” Sakura groans.

Jiraiya shrugs. “I have a trustworthy face.”

“Bull _shit,”_ Sakura accuses.

Jiraiya just grins, entirely smug. “I mean, I did something similar. I literally _just_ told you about it.”

Sakura groans, loud and melodramatic, and buries her face in her hands. “You’re an _asshole.”_

“Now, now,” Kakashi says, and he knows his eye is bright with teasing. “For all that her appearance is apparently a lie, _nobody_ should be ashamed of interest in Tsunade-sama. She is a beautiful, powerful, terrifying woman, and a lot of people are super into that.”

Sakura splutters, wordless and red-faced, and then manages to shout, “I would _never!”_

Jiraiya’s laughing at her too, and even Gai is hiding a smile when Kakashi looks at him. “Oh?”

“No, I mean—not _Shishou,”_ Sakura says, seeming genuinely horrified. “She’s like—like an _aunt_ or a _mom_ or something, not—not like that!”

“Then who?” Gai asks, prodding just a little, because for all that he’s one of the best people Kakashi knows, he’s just as into the gossip as any shinobi.

“Oh my _god,”_ Sakura groans. “I was fourteen. My teacher was weird, but sometimes cool, and I was emotionally vulnerable enough that I started crushing on him. I never even _confessed,_ okay, I told Shizune about it and she said I should try to get over it because he was twice my age and if I ever so much as hinted at the crush existing, he’d panic and run off for months to get away from the emotions, or just… do what Koharu-sama did to Jiraiya, but ten times more emotionally awkward. Pat me on the head and say ‘that’s nice, Sakura-chan’ and _then_ disappear for months because, again, twice my age and—”

“Emotionally stunted genius?” Jiraiya guesses, voice wry.

Sakura pouts at him.

“Listen, you’ve got a type and you’ve made enough jokes about it that it’s not a secret,” Jiraiya says, and his eyes flick to Kakashi with a grin that seems to be saying ‘you’re on that list, too.’

Kakashi, for the record, is _not_ a homewrecker, no matter how cute he thinks the Uzumaki women are.

“I think that response would have been valid,” Kakashi says, and Sakura _glares_ at him. “What? It’s true! You were _fourteen._ Anyone in twenties that responded positively to a confession from a _fourteen-year-old_ deserves to be locked up in T&I. Panicking and ditching the country is a bit extreme, but, like, better than the alternative?”

“I _know_ that,” Sakura grumbles. Her glare moves to the ground. “I am going to go home to my _wife_ and _cuddle_ and _kiss_ and I’m going to be _so much happier_ than all of you, because I’m a badass that is _married_ and you’re all still single losers, so _ha!”_

Kakashi snickers. “Anko called me a master ho the other day. I stand by it. I wish to _continue_ being a master ho.”

“You’re not a master anything,” Sakura informs him, nose in the air. She sniffs imperiously. “You’re an idiot.”

“I graduated at _five,”_ Kakashi says, a little bemused.

“Yeah, you’re a genius, but you’re _dumb,”_ Sakura insists. “About other stuff.”

Kakashi blinks at her, and then turns to the eldest of them. “Jiraiya-sama, I’m being bullied.”

“I don’t care.”

Kakashi pouts at his idol, and then turns and hugs Gai. “Gai, you are the only one who truly loves me.”

“I am aware, my Eternal Rival,” Gai intones, solemn as the grave. “I shall carry you to the ends of the earth if you so wish it of me.”

“Thank you,” Kakashi sniffs. “You are _so_ much better than the traitors on the other side of the fire.”

Gai pats his back, and the conversation moves on, at length, to theories on how the medical exchange program with Suna is going to play out.

\--

They report to the Hokage, who nods and ‘hm’s in all the right places, and asks to see the papers from Konan. Everything plays out as it should, except Kanna isn’t there.

Sakura is appropriately antsy about it.

“She’s uninjured,” Hiruzen tells them, and there’s _amusement_ in his face. “There was… an incident. Fuuinjutsu accident. Harmless, but damaging to her reputation. She did ask that Jiraiya visit if he had the option, given how she’s been unwilling to leave the house until the effects are reversed.”

Wow. That’s… _technically_ not worrying, but incredibly intriguing.

“Ah,” Sakura says. “Um. Okay, then. Jiraiya-sama, Kakashi-kun, do you have time to come by?”

“Aa,” Kakashi says. He was planning on heading home and cleaning up, but he’s _pretty_ sure he has a spare outfit or two at the Uzumaki house. “If I can borrow your shower.”

“Of course,” Sakura says, with a smile that makes her whole face light up, like she can’t think of anything better than Kakashi racking up her water bill. “Gai-kun, I’d love to invite you as well, but Kanna-chan doesn’t know you as well as Kakashi, and if it’s a fuuinjutsu mistake…”

Gai waves her off with a bright smile. “It is no trouble, Sakura-san! For a situation such as this, it is no surprise that she would only accept specialists like Jiraiya-sama, and her nearest and dearest like yourself and my Eternal Rival.”

Sakura sags with relief, minor but visible. “Thank you, Gai. I’ll see you Thursday for our spar if nothing comes up.”

A quick affirmation, and Gai is gone. Sakura leads the other two out of the building and over the rooftops to her home. Kakashi could absolutely find his way there blindfolded at this point, but he lets her lead anyway.

She knocks first.

“Kanna-chan?” Sakura calls through the door. When there’s no answer, she cracks the door open. “Kanna-chan, the Hokage said you had a fuuinjutsu accident. I brought Jiraiya and Kakashi, can we come in?”

“You first,” Kanna says, sounding like she’s not quite in front of the door. Maybe around the nearest corner inside, so they can’t see her when Sakura slips inside. “And then you can punch them if they laugh at me.”

Curioser and curioser.

“Okay,” Sakura says, and squeezes through the opening between the door and frame. There’s a beat of silence, and then Sakura _squeals._

“No, no—Sakura!”

“Kyaa~!” Sakura squeals again, and it's a noise Kakashi has heard from her before, but not exactly anything approaching _often._ “Oh my gosh. Oh my _gosh._ You are _so cute!”_

“Sakura, you can’t just—Sakura!”

“Oooooooooh my gosh,” Sakura coos. “You did this with fuuinjutsu? You—do the kids know?”

“Yes, they fucking know. So does the Hokage, and Anko. Can you—can you stop?”

“Oh, but Kanna, you’re so—”

 _“Cute, I know,”_ Kanna grumbles. “Oh my—I can feel your curiosity! Get in here, idiots!”

Kakashi goes in first, and then freezes. Jiraiya is only a step behind him.

Kanna glares at him with slit-pupil eyes. Fangs in her mouth. Whisker marks like Naruto’s.

_An extra pair of ears, crimson and perched on top of her head._

_Five actual, literal tails slipping out the back of her kimono top._

“Wh…” Kakashi trails off, because he’s seen Inuzuka transformations, but this… it’s a lot.

“How the _hell_ did you pull this off?” Jiraiya asks, sounding impressed and only slightly like he wants to laugh his ass off.

Kanna readjusts her glasses, and Kakashi sees that her original, human ears are still there to hold the stems of the frames. Four ears, total. Can she hear through them?

She blushes. “I don’t _know.”_

“Did you ask Kurama?” Sakura asks. Kakashi pretends not to see the way she is rubbing her fingers into the patch of hair behind the ears, a look of awe on her face.

“Yes,” Kanna says, voice flat. “He was useless.”

“Didn’t understand the seals?” Jiraiya asks, seemingly aiming for commiserating and sympathetic, and mostly succeeding.

“No, he just laughed at me,” Kanna grouses. “The _asshole.”_

Kakashi kind of wants to laugh too.

“A proper _kitsune-gao,”_ Sakura fawns over Kanna. “Gosh, you’re like all the fancy old tales right now!”

 _“Sakura,”_ Kanna whines. “I can’t _go outside_ like this! I need help fixing it.”

“Ah,” Kakashi says, immediately grasping the problem. “It wouldn’t do much for Naruto’s reputation if his guardian was seen as being a possible subordinate of ‘the evil Kyuubi’ or something to that effect.”

He uses air quotes, absolutely. He does _not_ want anyone to misinterpret the very, very intentional quoting there.

Kanna nods miserably, bonelessly melting into Sakura’s embrace. “I _can’t_ put him through that. I’ve been working from home, mostly, and the kids know not to bring anyone over right now. I can use a henge on my shadow clones, but not on myself for some reason, so I sent one the first day to let him know, and Anko’s been running me my work since then. I… didn’t really trust anyone else to do it.”

“Show me the schematics,” Jiraiya says, following Kanna to the kitchen island. “Does Kurama have any input on why henge is failing?”

Kanna shrugs. “Something about foxfire and leaves. I don’t know. I can’t make heads or tails of it.”

The tails joke is right there. Low-hanging fruit. He does not take it.

He _wants_ to, but he doesn’t.

“You’ve only messed with your seal, right?” Jiraiya asks. “Not Naruto’s?”

“The toads still have the key,” Kanna points out. “I couldn’t, even if I wanted to.”

“Good,” Jiraiya says. “Honestly, I was hoping to work on the Tobi thing when we got in, but—”

“It’s mostly done,” Kanna says, just a touch defensive. “Just have to interlock the coded chakra dampening matrix with the space-time barrier so neither of them fuck up the reverse summoning section. It’s not innovation anymore, just math.”

“Okay,” Jiraiya says. “You work on that, I’ll be another set of eyes on the… furry little problem.”

She hisses at him, except it comes out as a strangled, croaking bark, and she claps both hands over her mouth in horror.

Sakura’s eyes sparkle. She too has her hands over her mouth, and it does _nothing_ to stop the delighted, obsessed squeak of pure joy.

Kanna collapses on the island and makes a noise of irritation, one that Kakashi’s pretty sure sounds different from usual, because… fox.

Fox girl.

His hand inches towards her head, and he tries to rub her ears the way he would his dogs.

She twists her head enough to glare at him with one eye, tails curling around her form like armor.

“Let me guess,” Kakashi says, with a smile and a tone as light as air. “If I don’t remove my hand, you’re going to feed it to me?”

She growls, low and quiet, but she’s always done that. “That actually feels nice, so I’m going to let it slide, but if you make any jokes, I _will_ be biting your hand off.”

“Right,” Kakashi says, and then gives in and joins Sakura in cuddling the woman on the wide wooden stool.

She barks like a fox at it, but doesn’t actually throw them off, and with Kanna, that’s basically permission.

“Cuuuuuuuute,” Sakura whispers, rubbing her cheek against that surprisingly soft fox ear.

Yeah. Yeah, she is.

 _Fuck,_ he’s so gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who hit 75k last night and can officially say she wrote 1.5 NaNos in the span of 1 (unofficial) NaNo
> 
> Kakashi is great at noticing aesthetic beauty but his approach to sex is weirdly disconnected from it? Like, he doesn't actually find Rasa that attractive, but was entirely willing to bang him, but while he finds Konan incredibly pretty (and really, who wouldn't?), he's not actually attracted to her. It's fun!
> 
> I feel like I should apologize for the ending, but like. I can't. I won't. I think it's fun.
> 
> Anyway, yeah! Ame actually went off without a hitch. Bodes... poorly.


	16. Fox Tails and Tall Tales

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anko is a menace and is somehow still the best thing to happen to Kakashi this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: discussions of past trauma, graverobbing, extended scene from the perspective of a character experiencing dissociation and panic, discussions of canon crimes and atrocities

Kakashi isn’t going to pretend he’s not _absolutely fascinated_ by the whole situation.

Kanna has tails. Physical, furry tails. Kakashi’s seen Kushina’s Jinchuuriki tails before, and those were chakra constructs, bubbling and translucent and terror-inducing.

Kanna’s tails are… legitimately just tails. Warm, but not burning. Covered in fur. Seemingly attached to her spine, according to Sakura, with some questionably feasible muscle and bone structures that nonetheless seem to function. She can twitch them about, and there’s no back pain, but her balance is basically shot right now. She has _sensation_ in them, and Sakura keeps trying to figure out how the nerve endings are happening.

Sometimes, when one of the kids says something, the fox ears swivel to face them before Kanna turns.

It’s completely wild. Kakashi says as much.

“Nah,” Sakura says. “Kurama’s wild, half-tamed.”

Fair.

“You’re feral,” she says, pointing at Kakashi.

Wait, what?

“And Kanna-chan is a rescue,” Sakura finishes, nodding sharply and smirking like this is all uncontestably true.

“Seriously?” Kanna demands, looking up and over. “Really, babe?”

Sakura smiles brightly. “In the context of the rest?”

“Kurama’s the rescue!” Kanna protests. “I’m—I don’t know, a show dog?”

Kakashi tries to smother a laugh in his hand.

“I’ll admit you rescued yourself, so to speak, even though I wish there’s been someone to rescue _you._ I love you so much, and I’m never going to put you in a position where you need to rescue yourself if I can help it, because I’m always going to head straight to be the hero you need, when you need me,” Sakura comforts, “ _However_ …”

“Babe.”

“You are still, in this convoluted and incredibly silly metaphor, a rescue.”

Kanna pouts.

The door is, at that moment, kicked open. “What’s up, motherfuckers!”

“Swear jar,” Sakura and Kanna immediately say.

Anko sticks out her tongue as she enters the room, a handful of files in her arms. “You’re both incredibly boring, you know that?”

“The kids aren’t even _here,”_ Kakashi points out. He thinks it’s a reasonable thing to consider.

“Yeah, but Anko _always_ announces herself like that,” Kanna grumbles. “The kids already have enough bad habits from _me,_ okay, I don’t need them learning _more.”_

“Boring,” Anko accuses.

Sakura brightens. “Hey Anko-chan, if Kakashi’s feral, is Kanna a rescue?”

“Yes,” Anko says, so quickly that Kakashi is half-convinced it was planned.

Kanna snarls at her, and then turns to Kakashi. “And you?”

“I have no opinion,” Kakashi lies. “Or rather, my opinion is that I think calling me feral is actually kind of funny since I’ve said it myself before, but also you and your wife both scare me and I don’t want to touch that conversation with a ten foot pole.”

“Smart,” Anko says. “But kind of a coward’s way out. You’re S-rank yourself, dummy.”

“I’m high A-rank, _maybe,”_ Kakashi protests.

“Bitch, please,” Anko dismisses.

Kakashi points at Kanna, but keeps staring at Anko. “You know _what_ she is, right?”

“A rescue,” Anko asserts, and dodges the fork that Kanna throws at her, laughing. “Alright, alright, wariness of a trained, adult Jinchuuriki with that level of grump is healthy, but still. Coward.”

“Sensible,” Kakashi retorts.

“Bitch, you’ve never been sensible in your li—wait, no, that’s the line for Genma,” Anko says, and hesitates. “You were a rule-thumper as a kid. Shit. You haven’t been sensible since…”

“Let’s not go down that road,” Kakashi suggests.

“Yeah, fair,” Anko allows, giving up with a surprising amount of grace.

“Children,” Sakura coos. “You’re being _annoying.”_

“You’re the same age as me,” Kakashi says, bemused.

“Nope! I’m older. Only by a few months, but I am,” Sakura tells him, smile bright.

“You still called me senpai.”

“I am going to _grind your bones to make my bread,”_ Sakura tells him.

She’s… still wearing the smile.

Anko giggles and makes a whipping noise. “No more backbone, Hatake?”

Kakashi blinks at her. “What.”

“You know, whipped? Come on, I know you’re not _that_ repressed.”

Kakashi stares at her. “I’m… what? How does that in any way apply here?”

“He fucked a foreign head of state for a bet,” Kanna says, lifting her head from the paperwork she’s been perusing, like a real adult instead of the parody of one they all are. “How the hell is that repressed?”

“You didn’t know him a few years ago,” Anko says. “It was _bad.”_

“Anko, I’m a friend and a babysitter, not—” he struggles for a few moments. “It’s not like _that.”_

Anko looks at him, and her expression quite clearly states ‘yeah, right, like I’m buying that.’

“Anyway,” he says, “They don’t do emotionally stunted geniuses anymore, and I’ve been told I fit that description.”

“I dunno, you’ve been doing therapy pretty consistently,” Kanna comments idly.

Anko snickers, because of course she does.

“It’s okay, Kakashi-kun,” Sakura says, patting him on the shoulder. “You can be as emotionally stunted as you want.”

“Pretty sure that’s the opposite of what any of us want,” Kanna says. She doesn’t look up from her papers.

“True,” Sakura sighs. “Poor little Kakashi-kun.”

“I don’t like where this is going,” Kakashi says. “Can I opt out? I want to opt out. Where’s Jiraiya-sama, I need an adult.”

“You _are_ an adult,” Kanna sneers.

“No, like, a real adult,” Kakashi insists.

“Since when is _Jiraiya_ a real adult?” Sakura mutters.

“Legally? Since age six,” Kanna says, absentminded. She huffs a breath and shuffles her papers. “What the _hell_ is Daichi doing to these samples? These numbers don’t track.”

“I think he skipped the fume hoods again,” Anko offers.

“I’m going to kill him.”

“How have you not fired him?” Kakashi asks. “I’m genuinely curious, you’ve been complaining about this for over a year now. You’ve gotten everyone else that pulls this kicked out, how—”

“He’s related to the Daimyou,” Kanna cuts him off.

“Ah.”

“So, politics,” she continues.

“Yeah, no, I got that,” Kakashi says. “How… closely?”

“Second cousin once removed. He wanted to be a ninja and his mom was indulgent as hell, and now I’m stuck dealing with him,” Kanna hisses. “I have _tried_ to get rid of him, but the financial impact would be a mess. I can’t even be blunt and say it’s for his own good, even though that bitch is going to get _lung cancer_ at this point, because that’ll be seen as an insult too.”

“Yikes,” Kakashi says, because there’s not much else he _can_ say. He goes to pat Kanna’s shoulder, and then changes his mind and pets her funky, furry ears instead.

“You’re a dick,” she says, but it trails off into a pleased sigh. “Why the _hell_ does that feel so good?”

“I’ve had dogs since before I could walk,” Kakashi tells her. “So, practice.”

She glares at him, but ends up cutting herself off with a yawn.

“Ooh, _teeth!”_ Anko crows. “Lemme see ‘em!”

“No,” Kanna snaps, jerking away. She ends up baring her teeth in a snarl anyway, which is like. Counterproductive if she actually doesn’t want Anko seeing them.

“Oooooh, you should’ve let me see these earlier,” Anko says, eyes wide. She’s leaning in far too close, except Kanna seems irritatedly, fondly resigned. Kakashi thinks Anko’s about half an impulse away from sticking her thumbs in Kanna’s mouth just to pull her cheeks wide for a better look. “I am jealous. Very jealous. I want these.”

“Hell no.”

“But _teeth,”_ Anko croons. “They’re sharp and pointy and _scary._ I want that.”

“So visit a dentist,” Kanna snarks.

“But I want _those_ teeth.”

“Ew,” Kakashi says, since it seems like none of the girls are going to do it. “That’s gross.”

 _“You’re_ gross,” Anko says.

“Yeah, and?” Kakashi asks.

She mugs at him. He smiles as intensely as one eye can convey, and wiggles a wave at her.

“You’re _both_ idiots,” Kanna tells them.

Kakashi can’t help it. Really.

“We’re not the ones that turned ourselves into fox hybrids.”

“Okay, first of all, _go fuck yourself—”_

\--

“You’re kidding me.”

Kakashi blinks.

He shakes his head.

He waits.

“You—oh my _god,_ Hatake,” Asuma groans. “Kurenai, back me up here.”

“Uh, no,” Kurenai says. “I’m not getting involved in this mess.”

“But—”

“Nope.”

Asuma pouts, inasmuch as a man of his age and facial hair can pout, and turns back to Kakashi. “Okay, we’re gonna go over this one more time. You.”

“Me.”

“Don’t want to try to wiggle your way into bed with one of the Uzumakis.”

“Correct.”

“Because you _don’t want to be a homewrecker.”_

“It’s one of my biggest lines,” Kakashi says.

Asuma buries his face in his hands and lets out a small, strangled scream. Kurenai pats him on the back, but mostly just watches the rest of the bar as she chews on the straw of her drink. Genin teammates with Asuma or not, she’s not getting involved in this.

“Kakashi. Kakashi, I can’t— _Kakashi,”_ Asuma says, grabbing Kakashi’s face in between large, warm, calloused hands. “I can’t with you.”

“Please let go of my face.”

Asuma drops back into his seat and turns to look at Anko, even as he gestures extensively and aggressively at Kakashi.

“I _told_ you,” Anko says.

“Kakashi, everyone thinks you’re already sleeping with them,” Raidō says.

“I’m… not,” Kakashi says. “Because they’re married. And I’m not—”

“A homewrecker, yes, we heard,” Genma says. He seems far, far too amused by this.

“Kakashi, they’re—they’re _openly polyamorous,”_ Asuma says, as if Kakashi’s somehow missed this. “They’ve repeatedly mentioned being in a triad before. It’s a whole _thing,_ we’re still taking _bets_ on who it was because they won’t give a name, _and you’re worried about being a homewrecker.”_

“It’s a valid worry,” Kakashi protests. “Especially since neither of them has even _expressed interest.”_

Genma chokes on his drink from how hard he laughs.

“Sage save me,” Asuma mutters, his eyes on the wall behind Kakashi. “This man can’t be real.”

“Have you ever directly flirted with them?” Raidō asks, because he’s the only real friend Kakashi has in this situation, except Kurenai. Gai would probably also be on his side, but Gai is out of town and it’s a gosh darn shame.

“Uh, no,” Kakashi says. He doesn’t repeat the line he’s been saying for going on ten minutes now, because Asuma looks ready to strangle him.

“So maybe they haven’t flirted back because they think _you’re_ not interested,” Raidō points out.

“They really only have eyes for each other,” Kakashi says. “Seriously, you’d think they’d have gone out and found a unicorn at _some point,_ or—well, no, they’re not a diff-sex couple, so a third wouldn’t be a unicorn, but—”

“Kakashi, shut up,” Kurenai says.

He does.

She didn’t even _look_ at him, but he does.

“You’re half-raising their kids,” Anko says. “And you’re not even _getting_ any?”

Kakashi gives her a look of mild disgust. “That’s not the only thing people can get out relationships, Anko. They’re good friends, okay?”

“That’s not—” Anko cuts herself off with a stifled shriek. “Asuma, help me out.”

“I _tried,”_ he moans. “But it’s _Kakashi.”_

Raidō takes pity. “Okay, is there any reason you think they _wouldn’t_ be open to it?”

Kakashi blinks at him. “The last time they were in a triad, their third _died.”_

Oh. There’s all those dropping expression.

“And there you have it,” Kurenai mutters.

“If they wanted someone to join them,” Kakashi explains patiently, “They’d have done the whole—third partner for a night thing. Or brought up dating outside each other, maybe. But they haven’t, so I’m, like… if one of them ever flirted with me, _maybe?_ But as long as it’s in the plausible deniability stage, I’m not going to… to step on their grief or whatever.”

“Aa,” Raidō says. “Makes sense.”

Genma shoots the man a look. “You knew.”

Raidō shrugs. “I guessed.”

“It’s a bit of both,” Kakashi tries to make it make sense to, well, people who aren’t already inside his head. “At first it was the homewrecker thing, and then the grief thing, and now… it’s both. The homewrecker thing puts the onus on me, okay? So I don’t have to go spreading their situation around.”

The air is just. Super uncomfortable now, isn’t it.

“I… still think you’re being too cautious,” Asuma finally says. “Have you asked them if they’ve considered dating around again?”

“Seems like a bad idea,” Kakashi says. “Like… if someone had asked me if I was looking to make new friends in the years following Obito’s death, I would have punched them.”

Asuma winces.

“You were also getting hit with a new trauma every six months,” Anko points out, and Kakashi doesn’t get a chance to attack her for it, because Kurenai reaches out and yanks on a lock of the other woman’s hair.

 _“Behave,”_ Kurenai says, and her tone brooks no argument.

“But he was!”

 _“Anko,”_ Kurenai snaps, and it does the trick.

Nobody says anything for… a couple minutes. Kakashi doesn’t keep track, just sips through his mask and hopes people stop trying to make jokes about this to his face now.

“Someone else could ask them,” Raidō finally says.

Kakashi looks at him. “What?”

A shrug. “There are ways to frame the question without it being as aggressively insensitive, and it’ll be less pressuring from someone who’s not potentially invested in _being_ the person getting dated, and since I’m as gay as they come…”

“Or we could just _not_ pressure them,” Kakashi suggests. “Because, again, I’m really uncomfortable with doing that. Seriously, they don’t even _say his name._ If that’s not a sign that the grieving process isn’t over, then what _is?”_

They seem to respect that.

He _hopes_ they respect that.

They… honestly, they _better_ respect that, because if Kanna asks him who tried to fuck with her grieving process and if he asked them to, he’s going to tell her the truth, and she’s going to believe him because the woman is a _living lie detector._

Kakashi knows his limits, thanks.

\--

Sai could probably be a genin by now, if early graduation were _ever_ allowed anymore. They’re almost old enough, but Kakashi expects they’re going to hang back with little Karin instead of graduating at twelve. Still, it means more time for Kakashi to spend tutoring the Uzumaki brats.

(He’s under no illusions about the Sandaime possibly putting Karin or Sai on his eventual genin team. Everyone, _everyone,_ knows that Kakashi’s going to get Naruto and Sasuke.)

For all that Shikamaru was Naruto’s friend _first,_ he spends almost as much time playing board games with Sai. Sai, for their part, isn’t a huge fan of shogi, but the two of them end up playing _go_ as often as not. It’s cute, except Sai ended up befriending more people, and one of those people is Yamanaka Ino.

And Ino is _loud._

She is _bossy._

She is, somewhat inexplicably, convinced that Karin is a devil she already owes her soul to.

“Do I _want_ to know?” Kakashi asks, the first time Ino’s weird ‘I respect you but I kinda hate your guts but I guess you’re not _that_ bad’ vibe catches his attention.

Karin actually looks uncomfortable for once, instead of weirdly smug. Kakashi has no idea how to feel about that. “Probably not?”

Kakashi looks past her to Sasuke, who just shakes his head with the wide eyes of a mildly panicked almost-ten-year-old, and then past _him_ to where Sai’s _other_ new friend, who is _also_ from Naruto’s class, is trying to explain to the little Yamanaka why wasps are actually an important element of the ecosystem.

For all his time as a shinobi, and for all his time babysitting, Kakashi still isn’t sure he understands kids. Sai’s friendships with people like Shikamaru and Neji and Shino suggest they like smart, calm people who are also a little off the beaten path, psychologically, and are willing to process things via strategy games or theoretical shinobi games.

And then there’s Ino.

Who’s… actually, Kakashi would say she’s same brand of ‘tiny and terrifying tween girl’ as Karin.

Hm. Bad sign, that.

“Don’t burn the house down,” he finally tells Karin.

It’s not his problem and he stands by that.

It’s Kurama’s.

\--

The next time Kakashi sees Kanna, she’s back to normal and accosting him in the middle of the street.

“Looking good,” he offers, because he’s nice like that.

“I’ve been informed by my wife that I’m legally obligated to tell you that I can do it on command now,” Kanna tells him. “There’s a goddamn _toggle_ for it on my seal.”

“…why?”

“Because she thinks it’s cute? And because it offers some weird pros and cons to my chakra usage,” Kanna says. She shakes her head and waves a hand dismissively. “Whatever. Moving on. You need to come with me.”

“O…kay,” Kakashi says, letting her grab his upper arm and drag him towards the center of town. “Where are we going, exactly?”

“Admin building, Hokage’s office,” Kanna supplies. “We’ve got an ETA and I’m done with the graverobbing, so all that’s left now is the living human sacrifices.”

“Literally none of that makes me feel better,” Kakashi tells her. “None of it. What the hell?”

“Sandaime-sama told me to,” Kanna argues.

It is not, in any way, a valid excuse for the shit she’s saying.

“Is it graverobbing if you have permission?” Kakashi asks, because at this point it’s the only question that could qualify as, like, reasonable without encroaching on what he’s fairly certain is going to be an S-rank secret.

“Yes for the clanless grave, no for the clan grave, but we can’t _get_ permission for the clan one for legal reasons in the first place so, you know, graverobbing,” Kanna says. “Still on the Sandaime’s orders, so I can just blame him if anyone ever tries to go for my head about it.”

“So you robbed _two_ graves?”

“One was legally exhumed,” Kanna sniffs. “The other one… was technically robbed. Not for much, though, I just needed a DNA sample.”

“Okay, quick question, does Anko know about you channeling her creepy teacher?”

“Yes. No. Kind of,” Kanna tugs at his arm and moves faster. “I’ll explain at the debrief, let’s _go.”_

Kakashi lets himself get dragged along until they get to the Hokage’s office. They’re let in without any hesitation, and it’s to find Jiraiya and Sakura.

“Sakura-chan, Jiraiya-sama,” Kakashi greets. “Kanna said something about graverobbing?”

The Sandaime holds up a hand, and gestures for the ANBU to leave the room. Seconds later, the five of them are alone, and the room is sealed for the utmost privacy.

Hiruzen nods to Kanna, and in another three-quarters of a second, Kurama is standing there with the rest of them.

“There is an S-rank mission coming,” the Sandaime says. “You will be meeting with, and _treating_ with, Uchiha Itachi and the man who calls himself Madara.”

Well, fuck.

“What we are about to discuss _does not leave this room,”_ he continues. “Kakashi, I’m afraid you’re the only one that was not already aware of the coming information. Jiraiya was aware in his role as spymaster, and the Uzumaki knew prior to my ever meeting them.”

Kanna’s lips twist into a grimace, but she doesn’t comment at all.

“I’m listening,” Kakashi says.

The Sandaime nods, and then says, so very tiredly, “The Uchiha were planning a coup. Itachi’s massacre of the clan was on orders.”

What.

Wh—

“Oh,” Kakashi says, when everyone keeps staring at him. “I guess that makes as much sense as the stress of ANBU breaking him.”

No, actually, it doesn’t.

It actually makes _less_ sense.

“Why did a possible coup necessitate a massacre, again?” Kakashi asks, when it becomes clear that they’re waiting on him to continue.

“It was Danzō’s idea,” Hiruzen admits. “We’d discussed it as a last resort, but he… jumped the jutsu, so to speak.”

Hm. Ah.

Kakashi’s not going to touch that.

“Okay, so we’re going to talk to Itachi because he’s actually _scarily_ loyal to Konoha instead of a traitor,” Kakashi says. “What about the fake Madara?”

Literally everyone cringes.

Kakashi doesn’t know what to do with that.

“Okay,” Sakura mutters. “Okay, okay, okay.”

She’s bouncing on her toes, psyching herself up, and Kakashi’s anxiety ratchets up eighty notches.

“So, um,” she dithers. “Er. How do I put this—”

Kurama cuts her off.

“Obito’s not dead.”

What.

_What._

Kakashi feels his breath come short.

Shorter.

No, shorter than even that.

Heart pounding in his ears.

Range of vision narrowed, tunnel vision.

Must be lying doesn’t smell like lying _the Hokage isn’t correcting him._

Kanna smacks Kurama upside the head.

“What? She was taking too long!” Kurama snaps at her.

“It’s a _delicate fucking subject, asshole!”_ she hisses back.

Obito’s not dead.

Obito’s not dead?

“What the fuck?” he croaks out.

He feels lightheaded.

He should not feel lightheaded.

He’s a professional, has been since age five, _he should not be lightheaded and—_

Sakura pushes him down into a chair. She squeezes his hands.

It doesn’t help him come back to himself, but it’s nice that she’s trying.

“How?” He asks, eventually.

“Because the _actual_ Madara saved him from the incident at Kannabi bridge,” Sakura tells him, and her voice is soft and gentle and delivering horrible, wonderful, terrifying news. “He was manipulated extensively by Madara and Zetsu, and he’s… well, he’s trying to follow through on their plans.”

“He’s the fake Madara.”

“Yes.”

“He… killed sensei?”

She winces. “Effectively, yes.”

Kakashi whines, low and pained and it’s that little noise from the back of his throat that he grew out of when he was six. It’s… lupine, really.

His leg bounces anxiously.

He can’t stop it.

He can’t stop anything, just like he can’t save anything, just like he’s making a fool of himself in front of the Hokage and—

He fixes his eye on Sakura’s forehead seal, and tries to breathe.

“Why.”

“Because he needed the Kyuubi,” Sakura says, still so very soft. “For the Infinite Tsukuyomi plan.”

Kakashi has no idea what that is.

“That doesn’t explain…”

Doesn’t explain anything.

Because Obito was the best of them.

Obito, who tried so hard and was almost as bright as sunshine, Obito who would have given his life for Kakashi’s, who _tried_ to give his life for Kakashi, who _did_ give his eye for Kakashi, Obito who never, ever would have hurt an innocent, even on orders, Obito who helped little old ladies with their bags and toddlers with kites in trees, Obito who was _the best person in Konoha,_ once, Obito who—

“Kakashi,” Sakura says, and Kakashi’s vision narrows to her diamond seal again.

She sounds like she’s been saying his name quite a bit, actually.

Cool, cool, cool, he’s _definitely_ having an episode.

“Walk me through it,” he says. “Walk me through the—the why and the how. The process of him going…”

He trails off, sucks in a deep breath, and asks, “How do you even _know.”_

“It’s… complicated,” Sakura says. “But Kanna confirmed it. We had a brush-in with him a few years ago. The chakra matches your eye.”

He wants Jiraiya or the Hokage to call them out and accuse them of lying, but nobody is saying anything, and Kakashi’s gaze flicks wildly over the room until it lands on Kurama.

Kurama just raises an eyebrow. “Yeah.”

“What?” Kakashi asks, because his brain feels like electrified _mush_ right now, thoughts racing to the middle of nowhere, millions of facts flying around and not a single piece of yarn to connect them.

“Yeah, his Mangekyo was the one that brainwashed me into attacking the village. The second time, I mean, the first was absolutely Madara,” Kurama says.

Kakashi stares at him.

“That’s…” Kurama trails off and rubs a hand down his face. “That’s not why you were looking at me, was it.”

Kakashi turns his head down to just stare at his hands, because at least his own hands are familiar and not trying to turn the world upside-down on him.

“You’ve got about a week to process,” Jiraiya tells him, one overlarge, overwarm hand coming down to squeeze Kakashi’s shoulder. “We all wanted to make sure you… had some time.”

Obito’s alive.

And evil, apparently?

And—and—

Kakashi looks up sharply, eye skirting desperately around the room for _something._ For _someone_ to just _tell him._

“Okay,” Sakura says, dragging a chair around to sit in front of him. Her back is to the Hokage, and that’s all kinds of rude, but Kakashi’s brain barely processes that. She takes Kakashi’s hands and squeezes reassuringly.

“Okay,” she repeats. “We’re going to go through this, bit by bit, so you understand what happened, and why it happened, and why we’re telling you _now,_ okay?”

Kakashi wonders if Sakura’s medical training ever included talking to a Yamanaka, because she sounds _exactly_ like those unlucky few who grew up with a Yamanaka friend glued to their hip and teaching them the right tones of voice for every situation. He’d have actually guessed _that,_ because he’s seen Shikaku and Chōza pull those voices, among the many others, but Sakura didn’t come to Konoha until two years ago, so.

His mind is wandering.

“Okay,” Kakashi says.

Sakura smiles encouragingly, and squeezes his hands, and says, “Great.”

The story she tells is dry, distanced, devoid of personal connection for all that Kakashi _knows_ she must have something tying her to it. She slips a few times, adds a flowery word or a turn of phrase, but the telling is practiced.

Madara did not die at the valley of the end.

Madara was manipulated by Zetsu, and the two of them saved Obito with mad science.

Obito was forced to watch Kakashi kill Rin—no, no, _no—_ which everyone told him had been organized by Madara and Zetsu in the first place.

Obito had broken, and been shaped into a crazed, volatile, _devoted_ follower of Madara’s mad plan to save the world through mass mind control.

Which was actually Zetsu’s plan to bring back his evil mom.

Then came the night of Naruto’s birth.

(And oh, how that burned.)

Then came Akatsuki.

(And oh, how that clicked.)

Then came the Uchiha Massacre.

(And oh, how that _hurt.)_

And now…

Sakura rubs her thumbs over the backs of Kakashi’s knuckles, still smiling like she _understands._

Maybe she does. He still doesn’t know enough about what came _before._

“Why do you need me there?” Kakashi asks, latching on to the first thought that comes to mind.

“Because the fucker’s Mangekyo makes him _intangible,”_ Kurama snips, from somewhere off to Kakashi’s far left. “And since you have the other eye, you’re the only person that might be able to fight him if the seals don’t work.”

Ah.

Makes sense.

“And,” Sakura says, shooting a look at the bijuu. “Because for all that he’s… gone round the bend, I suppose, Obito _does_ still care for you.”

“Somewhere very, _very_ deep down, under layers and layers and layers of compacted trauma,” Kanna snarks. “But we’ve got shovels and we’re ready to dig.”

“Guys, can you not?” Sakura asks them. “Sensitive issues!”

“The next part is all me anyway,” Kanna argued. “So let me explain the plan.”

The two of them look at each other, measuring and just on the edge of a glare, and then Sakura droops. She still rolls her eyes, but the drooping happens. “Fine.”

Kakashi tries to focus on his heart as Kanna takes the chair in front of him. Kakashi’s pulse is in his eardrums still, but it’s slow and normal and very much not the pitter-patter of when they first said those terrifying, magic words.

Kanna does not take his hands.

“Okay, look,” Kanna says. “Remember how, way back, you asked me if I could bring back the dead?”

“Oh no,” Kakashi hears himself say, and his pulse picks right back up again.

“Oh yes,” Kanna says, and there’s a vicious satisfaction in her eyes. “And remember how I mentioned I was graverobbing this morning?”

Kakashi whimpers, and the Sandaime sighs. “You had _written permission_ from your kage. It was entirely legal.”

“Clan laws,” Kanna dismisses. She turns to Kakashi. “Listen. We’ve got two and a half S-ranks and the truth on our side. We’re setting the terrain. It’s gonna be me, you, Sakura, two Uchiha nukenin, and two walking corpses.”

“Jiraiya?” Kakashi asks, voice croaking on its way up his too-rough throat.

“He’s old, but he’s not a walking corpse _yet,”_ Kanna jokes, and then shakes her head. “Nah, we need him for emergency reverse-summoning if things go sour. Which, let me tell you, I’ve spent _years_ on this plan. We can do it. It _will_ work.”

Kakashi scrambles.

He breathes.

“What do you need me to do?”

Kanna grins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna cut down the original comment so I'm not calling anyone out specifically but:  
> There's nothing quite the same shade of annoying as people commenting their opinions on canon instead of their opinions on the fic they're reading. This especially applies to shipping.


	17. Soft? Soft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi would like to remind everyone that he actually DOES have a support system and (some) healthy coping mechanisms, thanks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: discussions of shinobi mental health and canon-typical ethics/morality

The initial warning from the Hokage isn’t quite true. Kakashi _is_ allowed to talk about it to someone from outside that one specific room, as long as that person is Inoichi, and the reason is therapy.

Kakashi hated therapy as a kid. He hated grief counseling after Kannabi and the Sanbi and the Kyuubi attack. He hated a lot of things, but going to therapy was _in the rules,_ and so Kakashi went.

Then he met Tenzō, and thought ‘wow, this kid _really_ needs therapy,’ and Genma had smacked him upside the head and told him to take his own advice.

He’d done so, if grudgingly. He’d gone more frequently, tried to be honest, tried to actually be open enough about his problems to _fix_ something in his head that had broken years ago and never quite got glued back together properly.

The real breakthrough, at least in Kakashi’s opinion, was when Kurenai started her genjutsu specialization in preparation for eventually taking the Jounin exams.

She’d talked the ears off any agemate who would listen about the psychology and neurology courses she was taking at the hospital, the kinds of things that would let her play with the subtlest of changes in the brain, and Kakashi had listened. He’d asked questions. He’d asked if he was taking advantage of her, and she’d looked him straight in the eye and told him that she’d been hoping he’d talk to her about his shit for a _literal decade._

After that, when Kurenai started her stint in the psych department, Kakashi had just… signed up with her. Immediately. A few people had told him that going to a friend, someone he was at least _somewhat_ close to, was a bad idea, but Kakashi ignored them.

Kakashi had needed someone he _already_ trusted with the bag of cats he called a brain.

And Kurenai was it.

These days, Kakashi’s wrapped up in so many secrets that, even if Kurenai _hadn’t_ ended her time with the shrinks, he’d have had to go to Inoichi or someone on his level anyway. They’d all but stated that Inoichi was the _only_ one to know, even in that department, where secrets ran like honeyed wine. Kurenai isn’t on that clearance level. _Kakashi_ is barely on that clearance level, and he’s pretty sure that’s a mistake on someone’s part anyway. There are… _probably_ other people like Inoichi, who are qualified and cleared, but Kakashi hasn’t been pointed at them. He’s a little worried about it, even, because Inoichi wears a million hats and somehow _still_ has time to be a doting father, and Kakashi isn’t sure when or where or how Inoichi sleeps. The man is running half of T&I, head of a clan, S-clearance shrink, occasionally runs field missions, trains for said missions, and owns-slash-manages a flower shop.

As a _single father_ to a _prepubescent kunoichi._

Kakashi fears his power.

(He still doesn’t want to just _talk_ to someone, but he’s also aware that he’s going to break like spun glass if he doesn’t, and Inoichi is among the best.)

(Kakashi wants to process it _alone,_ but there isn’t time for that.)

(Kakashi’s going to have to box it up and shove it away when it’s time for the actual mission, and everyone knows it, but that’s not a permanent solution. It never has been.)

\--

Sitting on the back porch of the Uzumaki house isn’t _calming,_ but it’s definitely _comforting._

Kakashi doesn’t really use the old terms anymore. He uses ‘pack’ for his ninken, not for his family or friends. He calls the children ‘kids,’ instead of pups or even ‘young.’ What instincts have survived the transition to village live and dwindling clan, he keeps rolled up tight and hidden in the back of his mind. The Inuzuka grow and live with their ninken, and still follow the old ways. They have the manpower, the culture, the _respect._ Kakashi is just one man, alone and with _canis familiaris_ instead of…

Well. The last of the Hatake war wolves died in battle decades before Konoha was founded, back when they were still samurai, instead of shinobi.

Kakashi doesn’t know if anyone _told_ Kanna and Sakura just how accurate ‘feral’ really was, in his ANBU days.

He’s not sure how many people can even see it in him.

(Tsume talks him through it, when it gets bad. Hot tea and his pack around him, with Kuromaru as a solid, weighty warmth next to them. They are wild clans, them and the Aburame, and Kakashi isn’t sure anyone else would understand. The bridge between dogs and wolves is close, and that line is muddled with the size of the Inuzuka’s ninken and the distant ends of the Hatake wolves.)

(Tsume _gets it.)_

Watching the Uzumaki’s backyard, large and full of kids, Kakashi finds himself thinking of Karin and Naruto’s hair-tugging brawl as a game of pups.

When all else fails, Kakashi can count on _this_ to make him think the world might not be so bad.

They’re kids. They’re playing. War isn’t currently on their doorstep and they get to _grow up._ The children of Root are free. Juugo is—

Juugo is standing right in front of Kakashi.

“Yo,” Kakashi says, and it sounds normal to his ears.

“Hello, Kakashi-san,” Juugo greets. There’s a rabbit in his arms. It looks like a cloud. “Um. You seem sad.”

“Do I?” Kakashi asks.

He’s not sure if he’s sad.

He mostly feels empty.

“I got some bad news recently,” Kakashi finally decides to say. “And I’m still working on processing it.”

Juugo nods slowly, and then comes and sits down next to Kakashi on the porch swing. He keeps holding the rabbit.

“I thought your main thing was the chickens,” Kakashi says after a moment.

“Kanna-san and Sakura-nee-san said that I could branch out if I promised to do the care for them myself,” Juugo says. He seems very proud. “Do you want to pet her?”

“Small animals tend to be scared of me,” Kakashi warns. “I smell like dogs on a good day.”

“Her name is Hitomi,” Juugo says. “She’s an angora rabbit,[1] and she doesn’t think you’re scary.”

Kakashi looks down at the rabbit. She certainly doesn’t _smell_ nervous. Mostly, she looks content to just stay in Juugo’s arms.

Kakashi reaches out and tries to pet her back, and his hands sink in.

“Wow,” he says. “That’s… a lot of fur. Why do they need that much fur?”

“They’re bred for it,” Juugo explains. “You shave them when it starts getting too hot for the full coat, and it’s a specialty fiber.”

“They don’t mind?” Kakashi asks.

“Hitomi doesn’t. Sayako likes me to shave her more often, though,” Juugo says. “She overheats. It means I can’t really use the fur for anything, but it makes her happy.”

“I have no idea how to tell if a rabbit is upset unless they run away from me,” Kakashi admits. “I can use my nose, but most people don’t have that option.”

Juugo looks down at Hitomi and smiles, clutching her closer. “I understand animals better than I understand humans. When they talk, I listen. Even with the bracelets, I can hear them.”

Hm. Mildly terrifying, that, but which of the Uzumaki kids _aren’t?_

“I’m glad you got to keep that,” Kakashi says, and rubs a thumb into Hitomi’s brow. The rabbit doesn’t budge. “How’s the veterinary classes?”

“Ah, well—” Juugo blushes. “I’m not very good at the chakra bits yet, because of—of everything, but I’m doing well in the other classes, with the anatomy and symptoms things, and they completely waived any need for animal-handling classes since I can just… talk to them, and ask.”

“That’s good,” Kakashi says. “And… Tenzō’s been visiting, right?”

“Aa.”

“…do you have any friends your own age?” Kakashi asks. “Other than your siblings?”

“I have Kimimaro,” Juugo says. He frowns. “He’s… still very upset about being taken from Orochimaru, but I think he’s thankful for the medical treatments, and for how you’ve all helped me.”

Better than some of the kids. At least one freaked out so hard they nearly killed a guard, which… well.

Nobody _wants_ to keep kids in prison, but they’re at a loss of what else to do with some of them. Unlike Danzō and Root, the Oto kids can still dream of going back to Orochimaru, because Orochimaru is actually _alive._

And pissed.

(Orochimaru’s village, more than any other, is a cult.)

(The kids don’t even realize that what they underwent was abuse.)

(Some were happy to be free, but some are just so damn _loyal,_ and it would break his heart if he had any heart left to spare.)

“Sai finally figured out that Shin was having trouble making friends with his genin team,” Juugo says, jolting Kakashi out of his thoughts.

“And?”

“Sai is friends with Yamanaka Ino and Aburame Shino,” Juugo says, and smiles down at Hitomi, not quite seeing her. “So they bullied their cousins into bringing _their_ team to train with Shin’s.”

Kakashi remembers Shino and Ino mentioning their Root cousins back during the flowers incident with Kanna.

In hindsight, maybe _that’s_ why Sai ended up befriending them instead of more people in Karin’s class.

“Did it work?”

“I think they all understand each other better now,” Juugo says, carding slowly through Hitomi’s fur with his fingers. “Because Shin’s teammates just thought _he_ was odd, but Torune and Fu still act like Root, and so does Shin, a little, so they’re all… um… I think Ino said that their actions inform the behavior of each other in the eyes of observers.”

Seriously, how does Inoichi _manage?_

“I think their teachers said they’d be training their teams together more often now,” Juugo offers. “Since Shin and Torune and Fu are all good for each other, and they can demonstrate tactics that their teammates are still learning, since they’re all more advanced than they should be.”

“That sounds promising,” Kakashi tells him. “I’ve been worried about Shin.”

“Me too,” Juugo admits.

\--

He stays in the guest room that night, unable to sleep calmly for the anxiety of what they’re doing in a few days, knowing that he’ll ultimately be of less use if he’s sleep-deprived running up to it. He’ll be seeing Obito for the first time in a decade, and Kakashi doesn’t know if that’s why his Sharingan itches and weeps as he lays in bed. Maybe Obito knows that Kakashi will be there, and rages at him for what he’s done. Maybe it’s psychosomatic.

Maybe Kakashi just needs to get a glass of water and calm down.

He pads through the house on silent feet, down a flight of stairs and into the kitchen, but pauses at the doorway.

He’d gone to sleep early.

Kanna and Sakura hadn’t.

There’s a song playing, so low that he couldn’t even hear it from upstairs, and the two women are dancing together. Even at the low amplitude, the song is sweet and soft and _bouncy,_ and they smile as the hold hands loosely and step about the floor. Swing, he’s heard it called, something common in the Land of Lightning, less so in Earth, and downright unpopular in Fire and the rest.

He’s not sure where they learned it, or why, but it’s nice. Calming, in its own way, like watching the kids.

Sakura catches his eye over Kanna’s shoulder at one pass, and smiles at him. There’s a twirl and a dip, and they’re so in sync that Kakashi’s mind flashes to Minato and Kushina.

They’re so in love that Kakashi’s heart is going to melt out of his chest.

They’re so _perfect_ that Kakashi’s lungs seize for a frantic moment.

Sakura spins out of Kanna’s arms and takes Kakashi’s hands. She pulls him to the center of the room, and while Kakashi doesn’t _know_ these dances, his body moves to match her. A beat is easy enough to follow, even if the steps elude him.

“Couldn’t sleep?” She asks, and the light in her eyes is so very kind.

Not pity, he thinks.

“Came to get some water,” he admits. “And my eye keeps itching.”

“Mm,” she hums, and spins him. She frowns minutely at his closed eye, head tilted. “I can take a look, if you’d like. It _does_ look irritated.”

“I’d appreciate it,” Kakashi says, and then the song changes. Slower. Warmer. Kanna is standing over by the player, an old-fashioned thing for vinyl discs through a flaring horn.

She smirks at him, and he feels Sakura tugs him into a more familiar position.

These steps, he knows. Still northern, more Earth than Lightning, this time. Land of Birds, too, if he remembers correctly. “A waltz?”

She smiles at him and flutters her lashes like a schoolgirl, teasing and innocent. “You know it?”

Kakashi turns her across the room, steps far more sure than a minute ago. “I needed it, once. A mission. I’m surprised I even remember how it goes.”

Sakura laughs, bright but quiet in the midnight of the house.

He doesn’t know why she’s awake, though he’s certain Kanna, at least, just needs less sleep than most people. He doesn’t question it. Sakura’s schedule is even more erratic than most shinobi, shifting with the needs of the injured. She’ll be ready for the mission at hand regardless.

She tucks her head to his chest and leans in as the song changes again, slower still, and they lose the practiced steps of the named dances. They sway from side to side, and Kakashi spots Kanna on the couch, watching them with an expression he can only label as indulgent. He closes his eye, lets his chin rest on Sakura’s hair, and lets himself breathe. She smells like strawberry shampoo and a sharp, near-hidden undertone of antiseptic.

He doesn’t think he’s in love, not yet, but he thinks he does _love_ these women. There’s potential there, for romance, but he’s not going to take that step. No matter what everyone seems to think of him, of _them,_ he’s actually content right now. If he just keeps being a friend, that’s honestly fine.

He thinks he’s made it to being part of the family anyway, and that’s all he needs. Wanting more, perhaps, but all he _needs_ is… pack.

They’re pack.

Family.

“Get over here and sit down so we can take a look at that eye,” Kanna calls over, quiet as everything so far has been. They don’t want to wake the kids.

Kakashi clutches a little closer at the woman in his embrace, unwilling to leave the warmth and safety of the moment. The late hour has a magic over it, wrapped in soft edges and quiet song, the half-sleeping energy of the night. Dancing in pajamas and sleeping yukata.

Still, when Sakura pulls back, he lets her. She smiles up at him, gets up on tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek, and then sweeps into the kind of curtsy that comes with these northern styles. “Thank you for the dance, good sir.”

Kakashi’s sure he’s blushing under the mask, but he sweeps into a northern bow of his own. “But of course, my good lady.”

She giggles, hand to her mouth, and pulls him over to the couch for an impromptu medical session. “Now, let’s see that eye.”

\--

“Do you hate him?”

Kakashi waits for Kurama to look up from whatever he was reading—a treatise on Wind Country polytheism in isolated communities—before he offers up a smile that only reaches his eyes.

Kurama closes the book, sets it to the side, and rolls his eyes. “Come again?”

“Do you hate him?”

Kurama eyes him for a moment, then leans back in the couch to smack a fist against the wall and engage the privacy seals. “This about Obito?”

Who else?

“Yeah.”

Kurama pinches the bridge of his nose, shallow as it is, and then gets to his feet. “We’re not doing this without tea.”

“Wouldn’t have taken a bijuu for—”

“Ha—Sakura’s fault,” Kurama grunts. “And I thought we were past that.”

“We’re past _nothing,”_ Kakashi tells him, cheer in every word. “I’m a miserable little pile of anxiety and guilt right now. Have been for years, obviously, but everything’s a goddamn mess right now, and my brain is a game of whack-a-mole on which exact trauma is popping up in my nightmares.”

Kurama eyes him again.

Kakashi smiles harder.

“Okay,” Kurama says. “You’ve been talking to that Yamanaka?”

“Aa,” Kakashi says. “Every day. I don’t know where he gets the time, but I’m sure they don’t want me breaking before the big day.”

Kurama shakes his head. “Right. Okay. Just… stay there until we have something hot to drink.”

“Not sake?”

“I’m not pairing _booze_ with _feelings,”_ Kurama says, abject disgust in every word. “I’ve seen what that shit does to people, and for all that this body is a chakra construct, it’s still Uzumaki.”

“I don’t recall Kushina having any issues with alcohol,” Kakashi says.

“She was a _Jinchuuriki,”_ Kurama stresses. “Her never getting properly drunk was _my_ doing, and it wasn’t in every branch anyway. But enough of them have that addiction risk that I’m not any readier to play with it than Kanna is.”

Ironic, Kakashi thinks. Every country on the continent has a stereotype that Uzumaki have wildly high tolerances. It might even be true, but the addiction risk is…

“That what happened to Tsunade?” Kakashi asks idly.

“Not my place to say,” Kurama says. “Even if I knew, which I _don’t._ There are way more complicating factors than just genetic risk, and she’s only a quarter Uzumaki anyway.”

“Did Mito—”

Kurama shoves a mug of hot water at him. “What tea do you want?”

“You didn’t answer—”

“Hatake. Shut up. You had an actual question that didn’t have to do with addiction in bloodlines. Pick a tea.”

Kakashi picks a tea.

They sit in the living room, privacy seals a-thrumming, and Kakashi cradles his tea.

“Why do you want to know?” Kurama asks.

Kakashi shrugs. “You were more directly impacted than almost anyone, right?”

“Arguably,” Kurama says. “But why do _you_ want to know?”

Kakashi doesn’t have an answer for that.

“Okay,” Kurama says. “You want to know if I hate Obito. I’m guessing this is because you want to believe there’s still something redeemable about him, even after everything he’s done, and for some reason you think the giant fox monster’s opinion counts here.”

Rude.

“Don’t give me that look, I can say it about myself,” Kurama chides. “I’m guessing you’re also expecting me to sugarcoat less than Sakura does. And Kanna’s busy playing god so she can raise the dead.”

Well, yes.

“You sure you shouldn’t have been stuck with a Yamanaka?” Kakashi asks.

Kurama snorts. “I’m _old,_ that’s all there is to it.”

“Mm.”

“And the empathic sensing.”

Right. That.

Kurama waits, and Kakashi feels the eyes on him.

“I don’t hate him,” Kurama finally says. “I don’t _like_ him, but I don’t hate him. I was a raging asshole after my sealing, and I’ve had centuries to build up a personality _before_ that. Obito got mixed up with _Madara_ and _Zetsu,_ has a partial control seal on his _heart,_ and was, what, fourteen when that happened?”

Kakashi feels the tension in his shoulders loosen a little.

“I still think he’s a shitty person,” Kurama cautions. “He’s caused atrocities, even if the plans stem back to someone else. I don’t think I’ll ever be _friends_ with him, but judging him for going crazy under manipulations and a bad seal, then killing thousands without forgiving him would be like judging Shukaku for the same thing, which…”

Kakashi can feel his face doing something odd.

“Yeah,” Kurama says. “I’m not necessarily the best person to talk to about this. My tolerance for murder is probably a lot higher than the average person’s. Bit of a ‘your approval fills me with shame’ situation, isn’t it?”

Well.

Well, _no,_ but—

“I don’t know what to think,” Kakashi says. “Everything is… on a scale these things usually aren’t.”

It’s a kind way to say that Obito’s technically behind the biggest tragedy in recent Konoha history.

Kurama shrugs. “Too late to change that, isn’t it?”

“Probably.”

Kurama grins, fangs on display, and Kakashi’s tempted to pull down his mask _just_ to show his own off. “Yeah, so don’t beat yourself up for anything he does. You didn’t know shit. The only people who did are Obito, my steaming pile of rotted dicks of an uncle, and… Kisame, probably.”

“Kisame? Hoshigaki Kisame?” Kakashi questions.

“They’re a bit… chummy,” Kurama says carefully.

Kakashi ignores the pun. “And how do you—”

“You don’t want to know.”

He kind of does, actually? But also, that’s usually code for ‘if you keep pressing, I’m going to get upset’ in this house, so he leaves it alone.

He’s starting to get uncomfortable, actually. For all that Kakashi had been content to let sleeping dogs lie as far as the Uzumaki house’s secrets went, so long as the Hokage was aware and signing off on it, this stuff is starting to affect him _way_ more directly than anticipated.

His skin itches with it.

“Think of it this way,” Kurama says, and Kakashi’s attention snaps back in. “How many lives could he save if you convince him to fuck over Zetsu?”

Obito was powerful enough to fight Minato-sensei and _win_ at, what, fifteen? Sixteen, maybe? How much has he improved since then?

“Not much of a thing to say when he’s already killed so many, is it?” Kakashi asks. “When your inaction saves that many lives, then—”

“You’re a _ninja,”_ Kurama scoffs.

Kakashi stills.

“When in your _entire life_ has saving all lives been the goal?” Kurama presses. “How many assassination missions, Hatake?”

Kakashi flinches.

“If inaction saving lives means a person is bad, then congrats, you’re throwing every ANBU friend you have under the bus. You _kill people._ That is your _job._ If you stopped doing your job, and became inactive, would that save lives?”

“Someone else would take the mission,” Kakashi points out.

Kurama’s glare drips with disdain. “Don’t give me that. This entire system is broken and you _know_ it. You—gah. _Humans.”_

He spits the word, and Kakashi shifts uncomfortably.

“Inaction saving lives is basically the entire shinobi system. The schools create soldiers and monsters, and old men in their ivory towers send children to die, and the children do it because they’re convinced it’s the only way. You think if every shinobi in the major countries went on strike as a war started, if they chose to be inactive, collectively, how many lives would that save?”

Kakashi shifts again. He doesn’t meet Kurama’s eyes.

“Did more people die when I broke free of Kushina’s seal, or in the Third War?”

The Third War. By a factor of ten, at least.

“But that was an entire system—”

“An entire system that made Obito what he _is,”_ Kurama stresses. “Humans don’t turn into monsters out of nowhere. Some do it because they enjoy the pain of others, sure. There are civilians that engage in crimes beyond most shinobi just because it nets them some cash. But with shinobi, half the time you’re all just _broken._ And then whoever picks up the pieces and starts welding gets to do it in whatever shape they want.”

“You’re a pacifist,” Kakashi realizes. “The Kyuubi no Kitsune is a _pacifist.”_

Kurama raises an eyebrow. “No shit. Ya _think?”_

What the _fuck._

“My father was the Sage of the Six Paths,” Kurama reminds him. “I don’t know why you people keep _forgetting_ that. I might enjoy some violence, but wars tend to just be… human stupidity.”

There’s a lot that Kakashi could say there.

How Kurama doesn’t need to eat, so he’s never dealt with Sunagakure’s need to start a war just because resources are that scarce.

(Except Kurama’s already said he supports collective action; he’d just say that the Daimyo should be doing his job and funneling money and food to his army.)

How Kurama’s so big and powerful that he doesn’t have to deal with needing to grow as strong as possible to project what matters most.

(Except Kurama’s been sealed three or four times now, and knows exactly what it is to feel powerless.)

How Kurama’s never dealt with the knowledge that even if one’s own ‘old man in the ivory tower’ isn’t keen on war, he has to be ready for it because the one on the other end of the continent might launch an attack that they can’t afford to just ignore.

(Except Kurama’s already said that the solution there is to refuse to fight.)

“We can’t just ignore a kage,” Kakashi finally says. “If the head of state pushes for a war, we can’t ignore that. They’re usually the most powerful person in the village. You could try to argue that a full rebellion would be able to prevent a theoretical war, but when the person in charge is the person that can kill the most people, you don’t always have the option of just _not_ doing what they tell you. That works for civilians, maybe, but shinobi are ruled by strength.”

“Yeah. The system’s fucked. I already told you that.”

Kakashi leans back, throws an arm over his eyes, and groans. “The Kyuubi is a pacifist that supports collective action and dislikes military dictatorships.”

“I mean, I’m not exactly advertising for communes, I just think human wars are stupid as hell.”

“Some things suddenly make _so_ much more sense,” Kakashi says. “And some not at all. Why do we have records going back at least six hundred years calling you a chaos entity?”

Kurama snorts, and Kakashi lifts his arm enough to look at the man. “Because I don’t follow human standards of chaos vs. order. Entropy is a thing. Like I said, I don’t oppose violence in and of itself. I’ve _been_ a natural disaster and killed plenty in that role. But wars aren’t chaos. They have a point, but the point is _dumb as shit.”_

“So…”

“Humans can kill each other all they want, I just don’t like it when something _forces_ something else to do the killing,” Kurama says. “If nothing else, because I’ve been in the position of ‘controlled by someone I hate into doing something I don’t want to do,’ on more than one occasion.”

Obito, Madara, and… what, probably something with the whole Juubi thing he talked about?

Kakashi lets his arm drop back down. “I can’t believe the Kyuubi is a _pacifist.”_

“Only technically,” Kurama reminds him. “I will absolutely still bite, cut, and occasionally incinerate people who piss me off.”

“The _Kyuubi_ is a _pacifist.”_

“You can stop saying it now,” Kurama says flatly. “It’s literally just ‘wars are dumb and pointless and get kids killed,’ that is _not_ a complicated or radical stance.”

Kakashi whines plaintively. “You’re _breaking_ my _worldview.”_

“I could break your kneecaps instead, if that suits you better,” Kurama offers.

Kakashi lifts his head enough to pout.

“Listen, did you get what you wanted out of this conversation?” Kurama demands. “I’ve got to go to the Academy to pick up the brats.”

“I don’t even _know_ anymore,” Kakashi whines harder. “I think you just broke my brain.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Kurama grumbles. “I think I preferred it when you were being a _depressed_ drama queen. This is just annoying.”

“You found the depression annoying, too.”

“I find everything annoying. You’re not special.”

Kakashi pouts a little more, and Kurama throws a pillow at his face.

It’s not exactly what he came for, but at least he’s gotten a bit of a distraction. That’s good, right?

* * *

* * *

[1] [If Texas can exist in canon](https://phoenixyfriend.tumblr.com/post/141212337045/namikazeminaato-pyrooster-hi-can-we-talk), then so can Ankara. Or you can call it translation convention. Either way, fluffy as heck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to write the midnight dancing scene... because... soft...
> 
> Yes I absolutely went and commissioned Kanna as a foxgirl from THE best chibi artist I know, foxyjoy. It makes me so happy? They're all so adorable?  
> Find and reblog here:  
> https://phoenixyfriend.tumblr.com/post/630260043577737216/


	18. Three Cheers for Necromancy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo!  
> This is TOTALLY A GOOD IDEA, GUYS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: necromancy, various traumas, implicit mind control/manipulation, temporary possession, more swearing than usual, excessive use of revivification techniques, not all of which were intentional

There are backup plans in place, dozens of them. Kakashi’s aware of the majority of them, most specifically ‘Jiraiya is in charge of reverse-summoning us on Kanna’s signal if things go way south’ and ‘here’s the roster of people who are going to take care of the kids if we all get severely injured,” which is… not-so-coincidentally also mostly Jiraiya.

And if Jiraiya’s busy with some horrifying fuuinjutsu accident coming out of this mess, which is unfortunately _not_ out of the question, Kakashi has volunteered Gai and Tenzō to help. One of them is much more enthusiastic about being named backup babysitter than the other.

“You _voluntold_ me,” Tenzō complains.

Kakashi shrugs. He did. “I just need a sensible adult around if the kids need looking after.”

“You already have Gai,” Tenzō points out.

“There’s four kids and one teenager, and three of them regularly break the laws of physics,” Kakashi points out. “I love and trust Gai, but he’s just one person.”

Tenzō groans. “Senpai, I’m not good with kids.”

“So? I’m not asking you to teach them forever, I’m asking you to be backup on the off chance that something goes so horribly wrong that Jiraiya and I can’t do it. I mean, the Uzumaki have friends too, but we don’t want Anko and Karin egging each other on, and Shizune’s out of town.”

Tenzō pouts.

“Tenzō,” Kakashi says, drawing out the last vowel as long as he can, “I promise this isn’t a permanent thing. They’re mostly self-sufficient and you’d just be making sure they don’t take over a small country or storm the hospital or… whatever it is that they decide needs to be done.”

Tenzō looks at him for a long moment.

Kakashi offers him a grin. It’s not much of one, given the mask, but it’s still on offer.

“You’re actually concerned about whatever this mission is,” Tenzō says, words slow and measured, like he was only just realizing something. “This isn’t just you teasing me or trying to offload a random chore, you’re _actually_ worried.”

“Well,” Kakashi says, wincing, “I’m not sure how it’s going to end. It might be like Ame, where everything actually goes smoothly, but…”

He can’t explain the details. Tenzō gets it.

“Things are heating up,” Kakashi finally says. “And I just need a hell of a lot of backup plans. I’m pretty sure the others are doing the same thing.”

“They didn’t _ask_ you to do this?” Tenzō questions.

Kakashi flinches, and looks away, rubbing the back of his neck. “Kind of? They said that if something happens to one of them permanently, I’m next up on guardianship since Jiraiya’s out of town so often. But I need a backup plan if something happens to _me,_ at least short-term.”

“Hokage-sama could handle it,” Tenzō points out, but the faith isn’t in his words.

Kakashi takes Tenzō’s hand and laces their fingers together. He presses the back of one rough, tanned hand to the cloth on his cheek. “Please?”

 _“Ugh,”_ Tenzō says. “You’re disgusting, senpai.”

Kakashi blinks and forces a tear into his eye, making it just wet and glossy enough to really sell the puppy eyes. He whines piteously.

“Impossible,” Tenzō huffs. “Alright, I’ll be backup if Gai gets overwhelmed and you really need it. But _only_ if it’s a real emergency, okay? I’ve got other stuff to do.”

Great.

\--

The initial meeting place is down in southern Fire, well past the edge of the Hashirama forest. It’s an old Uchiha compound, actually, one that’s mostly stone and now in ruins. Kakashi thinks he remembers it as being one that was occasionally visited on pilgrimages by the Uchiha clan, before.

He wonders if Sasuke’s ever going to take those same trips to visit the places his ancestors once lived.

“You good?” Kanna asks.

“Feels like ghosts,” Kakashi says. “Lots of them.”

Not as thick as the compound back in Konoha, but still. Something. Kanna eyes him for a moment, judging, and then nods.

“Old places always do.”

Aa.

That they do.

“So, how long?” Kakashi asks, leaning back against a stone pillar with hairline fractures all throughout.

“Half an hour until the arrival window is over,” Sakura says.

She knows his internal clock is good enough that he didn’t need to ask. She doesn’t call him on it.

“If there isn’t an old lady that needs her bags carried,” Kakashi mutters, and Sakura hides a giggle behind her palm. He’s grateful that she can find the humor in it. His own attempts to do so are some of the only things keeping him afloat in the situation.

“Or a very angry cactus,” Kanna mutters. She’s got her eyes on the distance, unseeing of the world around her. The frown is grim and ever-present, and Kakashi tries to remember that she _is,_ in fact, just _like this._

Sakura takes her hand, and Kanna grimaces.

Kakashi’s been briefed on this, obviously. Zetsu’s got some kind of technique that can hide from even Kanna’s sensing, unless she taps into Kurama and does some weird empathy check. If Obito’s let slip what’s going on, let Zetsu _know_ that he’s meeting with someone to poison him against the Moon’s Eye plan, then the monster-in-chief might have wised up enough to send a clone.

Kanna can keep track of the main one, as long as he doesn’t _know_ he’s being tracked. As long as he’s letting down his guard. As long as he thinks he’s safe.

Her head snaps to the side, just a few degrees, and she says, “On their way.”

“Disappeared? Both?”

Kanna nods sharply. Kamui, then.

“Zetsu?”

“Stationary,” Kanna says. “Can’t figure out emotions this far. I don’t… _think_ he sent a clone.”

That’s good.

Kakashi forces himself to untense, muscle by muscle. He’s still ready to spring into action, but it won’t do him any good to be wound tight as a spring.

They wait.

The wind winds its way through the ruins, and does little to herald the arrival of two very, very dangerous rogue Uchiha.

The air simply rips open ahead of the trio, and then there are five.

Kakashi doesn’t react. Obito’s wearing a mask, and Itachi is—

Itachi is so _small._

Kakashi’s heart catches in his throat, because he knows exactly how old Itachi is, fought by his side in ANBU, and he _still_ can’t… he can’t. He knows what the boy did under orders, and Itachi is so much smaller and frailer than even Kakashi was at his age.

He’s fifteen and Kakashi can see the weight of the world on his shoulders, even past the too-blank eyes.

“Konoha,” Obito greets, voice deep and gravely and unfamiliar as hell.

“Not bothering with the Tobi act, then,” Kanna says, deceptively light. “Hello, Akatsuki. Or, well, Uchiha. Both of you.”

Obito tilts his head, body language unbothered past the amorphous cloak, and face hidden more completely than Kakashi’s own. “Hm. You know things. Do they?”

“The only person here that _doesn’t_ is the teenager,” Kanna says, flat as hell.

Obito turns his head just enough to look Itachi, who… doesn’t react.

“I don’t suppose you let slip to Zetsu what’s happening?” Sakura asks, light and nowhere near as pointed as the question _should_ be.

“He is unaware,” Obito says.

Kakashi has his hands in his pockets. His wrists are tight with how tightly he’s clenching his fists, and his borrowed eye is itching fiercely.

“Truth,” Kanna declares. “Thanks for keeping things… discreet.”

Obito turns his head just enough to stare pointedly at her.

Kakashi struggles to control his breathing.

“Um,” Sakura says, the knuckles of one hand pressed to her teeth. “Er.”

Obito looks at her, and even with the mask, even with the cloak, even with no words, he manages to convey ‘Well? Get on with it.’

“I just…” Sakura trails off, and the world around them fuzzes and _snaps_ and fills with smoke.

A moment later, they’re underground, and the walls are covered in seals.

“…stalling,” Sakura finishes. “I just… was stalling.”

Both of the Uchiha are in ready positions, kunai in hand. Tension is in every limb, and Kakashi would guess they’re starting to notice how sluggish their chakra suddenly is.

“Should have known you would—”

“Oh, get wound,” Kanna interrupts. “You have killed _way_ too many people with tricks for us to _not_ try to set up a preventative measure.”

The look on her face is astoundingly disgusted.

“You are weakened as well,” Itachi says quietly. “A chakra-reducing measure like you must be using can only be targeted so much.”

“Mostly targets Uchiha,” Kanna says. “Primarily using Sharingan-specific chakra markers. Makes it really hard to externalize any jutsu. So.”

Obito snarls and the air _rips_ around him, and him alone, and he disa—

Nope.

The air spits him back out, a meter and a half to the left. He stumbles. He pulls up the mask just enough to retch and spit out something that _might_ be saliva and _might_ be bile.

“Ouch,” Kakashi mutters.

His eye throbs.

“Oh, just take it off,” Kanna snaps. “Literally everyone in this room knows who you are.”

“It’s not a room,” Itachi intones quietly. “It’s a cave.”

“It’s an enclosed space,” Kanna hisses. “Counts as a room if I—”

“Kanna,” Sakura says, and the woman stops.

“What do you _want?”_ Obito demands. “I’m not even going to ask how you managed to do this, but what do you _fucking_ want?”

“Ceasefire,” Sakura says, stepping forward. “At least. Zetsu lied to Madara, and Madara lied to you.”

Itachi doesn’t shift his weight or act perturbed, but Kakashi can still see it.

“You can’t make claims without evidence,” Obito counters. “The world is _rotten—”_

“And Zetsu aims to _kill everything,”_ Kanna snarls. “Get your head out of your ass and—”

“And _you,”_ Obito growls, mask turned towards Kakashi. “You _dare_ show up here, when you claim to know who I am, after what you _did,_ you fri—”

“That is _enough!”_ Sakura says, and the ground cracks below her. “You are acting like _children.”_

Kakashi meets Itachi’s eyes. He tries to ignore Obito, and offers the kid a little wave, because Kakashi hasn’t said a word to either Uchiha, and Itachi’s more lost than a single other person right now.

Itachi stares at him.

“Kakashi is here for reasons that _will_ be clear,” Sakura continues. “But we are going to discuss this like calm, _rational_ adults, and you are going to _listen_ before you start _flinging insults,_ or I swear I will be _putting people in hospital beds.”_

Kakashi takes a step away from her.

“Not you, Kakashi, you’ve been a dear,” Sakura tells him, voice sweet as sugar, smile bright as sunshine. “And Itachi, honey, I am _so_ sorry about all of this, you deserve better.”

Obito’s still glaring at Kakashi. It’s not great. He finally says something.

“I’m about eight panic attacks in a trench coat right now. There is a _fuckton_ of repression happening and I am going to have _nightmares_ for weeks after this.”

Obito scoffs.

“It’s okay,” Sakura says, patting his shoulder. “We’re just happy you’re here.”

“I’m not,” Obito says.

“You’re not happy about _anything,”_ Kanna dismisses. “Because you’re under a motherfucking _slave seal,_ dumbass.”

Kakashi steps back and away and—though he’s a little embarrassed to admit it—pulls out his battered copy of Icha Icha to hide behind.

“Are you _seriously_ reading porn right now, Bakashi?” Obito asks, and wow, he can rival Kanna for disdain-per-word quotient.

“No,” Kakashi says. It’s even true. He’s not reading. He’s staring unseeingly at the little bits of thread that bind the book together, and trying to get his heart to stop breaking.

“We can discuss Kakashi’s terrible coping methods later,” Sakura says. “That’s not what we’re here about.”

“It’s a little bit what we’re here about,” Kanna says.

“Babe. Please. The track. Stay on it.”

Obito makes a gruff noise of such impatient _bitching_ that Kakashi raises his book a few millimeters. “Yes, I’d _love_ to know why we’re here.”

“The basic answer? What we already said about Zetsu lying to you,” Kanna says. “The less basic answer… well, that, but with examples, and proof, and telling you _how_ his plans are going to end.”

“Get on with it.”

Kanna and Sakura share a look, and then Kanna summons two coffins.

They stand straight in the middle of the room, and Kakashi idly imagines that he can see the irritation in the Uchiha over the fact that _Kanna_ can do things here.

Kakashi, for his part, is well aware of the fact that Kanna prepared for these coffins extensively, and even if she hadn’t… well. This is _her_ trap.

“What,” Obito breathes, so quiet that Kakashi can barely hear him. “What have you _done?”_

“What we had to,” Sakura says, grim as death.

The coffins fall open, and Obito stays frozen.

As Itachi’s face turns paler than it is, Obito whirls and screeches and throws a kunai at Kanna. He lunges forward at Sakura, and Kakashi goes to meet him.

It’s unnecessary, because Kanna’s chakra is soaked into the bones of every seal here, and her chains snap out to grab Obito.

Obito, who can’t go intangible while in this space.

“Stand. _Down.”_ She hisses.

 _“YOU DUG UP HER GRAVE!”_ Obito screams.

“Exhumed, technically,” Kanna says. “I just needed a DNA sample, and I got all the paperwork done.”

“Not the time,” Sakura chides in a whisper. She steps forward. “Listen. I know this seems twisted to you, but—”

“I’m going to _kill you,”_ Obito growls, and Kakashi catches a flash of Sharingan behind the mask, what little chakra Obito can call up as he writhes in place within Kanna’s binding. “I am going to—”

 _“Edo Tensei,”_ Kanna snarls back, and the two corpses wake.

Kakashi closes his eye, and waits, and doesn’t want to hear something that’s going to break him.

“Obito… Obito, _please_ stop.”

The sound of struggling disappears, but Obito’s breathing is harsh and beleaguered, and Kakashi still can’t open his eye.

“Rin-chan…” Obito says, and it’s a grief-shattered whine of a noise, halfway to a sob. “They—they shouldn’t have—”

“Obito, _listen to me,”_ Rin says, and Kakashi can’t take it anymore. He peels his eye open, sees paper-flaking Rin, still as small as she was the day she died, with her hands on a demasked Obito.

Obito looks at her through tears, as though she is his salvation.

(Behind them, the other corpse approaches Itachi, who looks about ready to collapse.)

(Kakashi isn’t proud of this tactic, but the fate of the world rests on it.)

“I’ve been watching,” she says softly, “and I _know._ I know what you’re doing, and why, and you have to _stop.”_

He shakes his head minutely, “No, no, you’re not real, you’re not—”

“Obito,” Rin says again, like saying his name enough times will make him finally sit down and listen. “Obito, the Kiri shinobi that put a bijuu in me were controlled by the Sharingan.”

Kakashi’s breath catches, but not as loudly or as sharply or as _brokenly_ as Obito’s does.

“No,” Obito whispers.

Rin brushes thumbs over his face, and her smile is full of pity. She looks at Sakura and Kanna. “What else were you planning on telling him?”

Kanna shrugs, and Kakashi almost doesn’t catch the worried flick of her eyes to Sakura. “There’s a lot. We needed you to… break down some barriers first.”

(Sakura’s wearing her migraine face.)

(Bad sign.)

(Very, very bad sign.)

Rin nods, and turns back to Obito. “I died, and it was… bad. I’m dead, and I _still_ feel guilty for making Kakashi do it.”

Obito chokes and there’s that rough sob again, and Kakashi doesn’t want to watch, but—but it feels _wrong_ to turn away.

“They put a slave seal on my heart,” Rin tells him. “And an unstable seal for the Sanbi. They planned to drive me to Konoha and release the Sanbi, and I made the choice to avoid killing everyone I loved the only way I could think of.”

Kanna loosens her chains, and while Kakashi tenses, ready to move… it isn’t necessary.

Obito falls to his knees, hands in his lap, and stares at Rin from the visage of a man ruined in soul and mind by the people around him.

Kakashi kind of wants to vomit.

“Zetsu isn’t Madara’s will,” Kanna says, voice low. “He’s Kaguya’s, and Madara was old enough to fall for it. When the Geddou Mazou is filled with the nine bijuu, it will become the Juubi, and once the Juubi awakes, it is only a matter of time until Kaguya returns from her prison.”

Obito turns to look at her, and his gaze is dead.

“Kaguya wants to take back all the chakra in the world,” Kanna says. “And yes, there will be a perfect world via genjutsu, but _not for long._ The white Zetsu clones aren’t made of Hashirama’s cells. They’re her previous victims, sucked clean of all life and love and spirit, transformed body and mind into _servants_ of Kaguya and her thrice-damned tree.”

“How many—” Sakura cuts off with a sharp gasp, wincing, and then tries again. She blinks hard, one hand to her temple. “Sorry, bad timing. How many of the children that Orochimaru gave the Mokuton to survived?”

“One,” Obito says. “Out of, what, sixty?”

Sakura smiles, and it isn’t kind. It isn’t nice. It isn’t happy. “How many young Uchiha, presumed dead on missions, do you think he went through before one of them _survived?”_

Obito shudders. His face twists into a grimace of pain, and one hand comes up to clutch at his chest.

Rin finally turns away from him, just enough to look at Kakashi and mouth, ‘I’m sorry.’

His heart breaks again.

A different piece fixes itself.

(Fuck.)

“I’m not going to say he organized for the Kannabi mission to go that poorly,” Sakura says, “Because I don’t know that. But the timing for your arrival to Rin’s death, the choice to use _her_ of any Konoha shinobi, everything about that incident points to Madara and Zetsu having a vested interest in forcing you to develop a Mangekyo.”

“And breaking you enough to make you emotionally malleable,” Kanna says. “You wanted to go back to Konoha before that, didn’t you?”

Obito sucks in a ragged gasp, and clutches harder at his chest. “You’re lying, you have to be, I would have _noticed.”_

“Not with a slave seal,” Kanna says, and while there’s sympathy in her voice, there’s also… a grudge. “Those things twist you.”

“I do _not_ have a—”

“You do,” Rin interrupts him. “They put it on—after. I watched.”

She watched.

She…

Kakashi’s going to be sick, maybe.

He checks on Itachi and _his_ favorite corpse-slash-temporary-zombie.

They seem to be doing fine.

Probably.

There’s a whole lot _less_ of the drama over on their little corner of the cave, at least. Mostly, they’re staring into each other’s eyes, which probably means some Sharingan-based nonsense is going on. There isn’t any ocular bleeding yet, so… success, as far as Kakashi’s concerned.

“I can remove it,” Kanna says. “You’ve got a healing factor now. Won’t be too complicated, with less of a worry of, you know, sudden heart failure.”

“Your wife is one of the best medic nin _alive,”_ Kakashi says. “You are _not_ letting Obito die.”

“I literally _just_ said that, but thanks,” Kanna snips.

“Children,” Sakura says.

“They’re not going to kill you,” Rin reassures Obito, a soft and loving smile on her too-young face. Obito’s always been the silly little brother to her, and even now, with Obito so much older, the dynamic holds. Silly little brother that needs a bit of reassurance. “They’re good people.”

“I’m not a good person,” Kanna says, immediately.

“Sakura keeps you on a leash,” Kakashi says, and then hurries to add, “Metaphorically, I mean. For, like, morals and stuff.”

She shoots him a dirty glare, but steps forward to Obito.

Kakashi takes the moment to sidle over to Sakura and press his shoulder to hers until she leans into him.

“Migraine?” He asks lowly.

“The worst yet,” she mutters.

Wow.

 _Really_ bad timing.

Kanna’s doing something with a senbon and a scroll that’s been opened to reveal an overlarge slave seal removal fuuinjutsu, and basically _everyone_ is watching.

Kakashi’s just… relieved, maybe? That they’d hedged their bets correctly. That Rin had been _enough._

That Obito had just needed her word to… not to trust, maybe, but to be off-kilter enough to let things happen instead of trying to kill them all.

“Yeah,” Sakura laughs, rubbing at her eyes. “It’s almost like— ** _Rinnegan.”_**

What the _absolute fuck._

Kakashi takes all his attention off of Obito and Kanna and Rin—poor, sweet, _dead Rin—_ and turns to look at holy fuck that’s a Mangekyo in one eye and a Rinnegan in the other.

Sakura’s head falls to the side, expression blank, and she stares at Itachi and his taller shadow.

Her gaze shifts to Rin.

She blinks, and raises a hand.

“Sakura?” Kanna asks, standing up slowly and drawing out her chains from her back.

(The migraine was a Sharingan.)

(It was always a Sharingan.)

(A Rinnegan.)

(The seals were always going to have an effect on anyone with Uchiha DNA, even as little as Kakashi had in his borrowed eye, and they’d known that going in.)

She blinks again, and there is heartbreak on her face as she looks at Itachi, and a Kakashi’s subconscious notices Kanna’s chains have had to restrain Obito again.

Sakura speaks in a voice that isn’t hers, deeper and darker and the words a faintly different shape.

**_“A final gift, from a future that won’t come.”_ **

What the fuck what the fuck what the fu—

**_“RINNE TENSEI.”_ **

Power.

Overwhelming, terrifying, unearthly chakra.

The Shinigami rises.

_No._

It is not the Shinigami.

It’s—something close. The same family, in a sense.

The power is the same.

The mouth opens and there is _light_ and _power_ and it is dizzying in the cave’s dim lights and the fuuinjutsu going haywire across the walls.

The creature disappears.

Sakura’s eyes fade back to black, and Kakashi shoves this into the back of his mind until he can process it, until he can _understand it in safety,_ because this isn’t normal.

Rin is alive. Properly alive.

Sakura’s arm drops and she sways on her feet and _Rin is alive._

“Oh,” Rin says quietly, looking down at her hands and checking her own pulse. “I… didn’t expect that.”

“I didn’t _plan_ that,” Sakura says faintly, a hand to her head. “I—Sa—what?”

Kanna looks at her, mouth open. “You didn’t _mean_ to do that?”

Sakura looks at her, and grimaces in a way that reeks faintly of embarrassment. “No?”

“You—you brought back the dead. _Fully.”_

“Apparently?”

Kanna’s fuming. “That would have _killed you!”_

Sakura cringes. “I didn’t _mean_ to, it was… him.”

Oh, great, ambiguous sentences that Kakashi doesn’t want to tear apart because _what the fuck_ and also _how the fuck_ and maybe a dash of _hey maybe let’s get back to Obito._

“You’re _shitting_ me,” Kanna says, and the confusion would be sweet if not for how every fiber of Kakashi’s being is screaming for this to be _over._ “You—he—you basically performed a full resurrection _by accident!”_

“I’m sorry!” Sakura protests. “I didn’t mean to! I’m pretty sure that was possession!”

Kanna gestures expressively but ineloquently, makes a wordless noise, and walks over to the nearest doton-formed wall to slam her head against it.

Sakura cringes again.

“What the _fuck,”_ Obito croaks, and Kakashi thanks him for saying the thought on all their minds.

“There’s a lot I can’t talk about,” Sakura says, apologetic to the end. “It’s, uh, really complicated.”

“He left a chakra imprint?” Rin asks, eyes on Sakura. “I—how did it survive the trip?”

“I didn’t even know it was there,” Sakura admits, black eyes, _secretly Sharingan eyes_ , ticking across the cave. Suddenly, she focuses on Rin. “Wait, how did you know about—”

She doesn’t get to finish her sentence.

The reason is that the _actual_ Shinigami shows up this time, and Kakashi _recognizes it._

Obito scrambles back, apparently recognizing it even more.

Sakura sways, and falls to her knees.

“Sakura?” Kanna asks, stepping closer to her, and glancing up at the Shinigami. “Babe, please answer me."

Sakura’s head tips back, eyes unseeing.

Mouth open.

Barely breathing.

The Shinigami looks down upon them, and judges.

The Shinigami looks at Sakura. It looks at Kanna. It looks at Obito and Itachi. It looks at Rin and Shisui.

It barely glances at Kakashi, and for that, he is grateful.

There is a gash in the fabric on its torso, but there are further layers of fabric behind.

(Kanna only has eyes for her wife, and Kakashi doesn’t know what’s about to happen, but he _does_ know that she wasn’t done with the Slave Seal removal.)

(Kakashi makes the call that he’s always had to make. He can’t do anything about the Shinigami that Kanna can’t do, so he’ll pick up what she’s not focused on anymore.)

(He turns on his Sharingan, uses a shunshin to get to Obito and Rin, and picks up the fuuinjutsu he’d spent hours poring over just in case something made _him_ responsible for it instead of Kanna.)

At length, the Shinigami nods.

It disappears.

And then Sakura screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D
> 
> :D :D :D
> 
> **:D**


	19. Exposition Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter was "I granted requests for Obito to show up and for Sakura to reveal her eyes, but kind of in like a Monkey's Paw way."
> 
>  _This_ chapter is "I granted requests for the time-travel reveal and explanations, but kind of in like a Monkey's Paw way."
> 
> Seriously. Way too much exposition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE CAN ONLY GO UP FROM HERE. I promise this is the last of the 'fic breaks Kakashi and puts him back together again' moments.
> 
> WARNINGS: Extended dissociation, discussions of canon bad mental health (namely Sasuke and Obito), near-death experiences, way more exposition than is healthy

Kakashi lets Rin handle the whole ‘keeping Obito under control’ angle, and focuses in on the fuuinjutsu. The back of his mind categorizes things as he runs through the countersealing process almost mechanically. There’s a lot of screaming. He does his best to ignore it.

“Where the _hell_ did she get those eyes?” Obito demands, and the mix of feelings in his voice isn’t exactly comforting. Mostly, there’s anger. Less so, there’s fear.

Doesn’t matter.

“No idea,” Kakashi says. “Stop talking.”

The scream cuts off, but Kakashi doesn’t look back. There isn’t time. He has a job. Kanna can take care of it.

“She’s having a seizure,” Rin whispers, and Kakashi doesn’t flinch. He can’t afford to.

“Kanna has it covered,” he says instead.

Obito hisses at him, catlike, and Kakashi has to put a hand on his shoulder and _push_ him down.

“Sensei would be disappointed,” Rin murmurs, and her voice is so low that Kakashi is sure she didn’t mean for either of them to hear.

Obito flinches anyway.

Behind them, something changes, and Kanna screams. It’s just one word.

**_“SAKURA!”_ **

Kanna’s voice is—

It’s excruciating.

It’s panic and pain and horror and desperation.

It’s everything Kakashi can’t take a moment to indulge in.

Kakashi finishes the counterseal, and he knows it took twice as long as it would have taken a master like Jiraiya or Kanna, but he _finishes._ He stays just long enough for Obito to screech and roll over and start swearing up a storm. Kakashi stands and turns away, because if Obito is swearing, then he’s going to live, and he’s not Kakashi’s problem anymore.

(Part of him balks at that, but of all the teammates he has in this room, current and former, only one seems to be at risk of dying at the moment.)

(Priorities.)

Sakura’s still jerking in place—not good—and Kakashi doesn’t think putting _anything_ in her mouth would normally be a good thing. But Kanna isn’t normal. She knows human bodies better than Kakashi does, and…

Well, biting has a special place in Kanna’s arsenal, so Sakura’s mouth being forcibly closed over Kanna’s _collarbone_ is uncomfortable but not particularly startling.

He can see the chakra drain from Uzumaki to wife even without the Sharingan.

Kanna sobs, eyes wide and terrified.

“She’s dying?” Kanna manages, confused and tremulous. In denial, almost. “She—she can’t, she’s all—she _can’t, I can’t just—”_

Her eyes drop to her free arm and the seal inked onto it just this morning, and Kakashi immediately knows what she’s going to do.

He gets to his feet, already running for her, wondering if it’s too late, if she’s going to summon herself and Sakura and just come back for him later, because they _both_ know the list of priorities going on here, and Kanna would probably kill Kakashi herself if it was the only way to save Sakura. Leaving him behind is _easy,_ with as many allies as there are.

Something catches him by the arm, fast and dark, and he collides with Kanna before he can blink.

_Fwoosh._

In a tangle of limbs, the team shows up on the emergency reverse-summoning seal.

They’re in the Hokage’s office. Jiraiya’s right there.

Too many people came. He tries to count. He can’t. His own eye blurs as he tries to figure out who came and who didn’t.

Obito’s eye burns, and Kakashi’s balance struggles to make itself known. He feels like vomiting. The smell of chakra smoke hits him like a sledgehammer and then fills his head like cotton.

“Hospital,” Kanna orders, and Kakashi looks up to find her staring at Jiraiya. “We—we need the hospital, we need Tsunade or—”

Jiraiya rolls up his sleeves, ignoring the _mess_ that is Kakashi and—there are too many limbs here, who the _hell_ —he picks up Sakura with ease and not a single bawdy joke. “What else?”

“Anko—get Anko,” Kanna says, and she clambers to her feet in a manner that’s more ungainly than it should be. Even _she_ shouldn’t be this thrown off, despite the chaos of a seemingly botched reverse summoning. She turns to look at Kakashi. Her eyes are wild. Her demeanor is worse. “The cells, for Sakura, tell her to get the _cells.”_

Kakashi has no idea what she’s talking about, but Anko probably will.

“Do you know where she is?” Kakashi asks, and pushes the nausea down as he stands. He ignores the Hokage, because right now is a situation where it is better to ask forgiveness than permission, because the emergency means _everything_ is in the status to be dealt with _later._ He ignores the Hokage, he ignores the dead, and he ignores everything except What Needs Doing.

“Tenzō’s.”

Kakashi nods and disappears.

\--

Kakashi bursts into Tenzō’s apartment and ignores the screech of someone offended by him walking in on them mid-coitus.

“What the _hell—”_

“Emergency,” Kakashi says, voice clipped. “Anko. Cells for Sakura. Kanna sent me.”

Anko only hesitates long enough to process the words, and then grabs her underwear. “What’s the situation?”

“Seizure. Something about her eyes. The Shinigami showed up. I have no idea what’s going on, but I’m assuming you do.”

Anko finishes pulling on enough of her clothes to not get arrested or cut open her foot on a roof tile. “R&D, let’s go.”

Kakashi notes absently that Tenzō is also getting dressed, if not quite as quickly as Anko. “We’ll be at the hospital. _Don’t_ tell the kids.”

It’s the only time Kakashi can spare before he follows Anko, and by the time he catches up to her, she’s already yanking open the door to Kanna’s private lab and ignoring everyone who tries to stop her.

“Kanna’s orders,” Kakashi snaps, and the lab techs flinch back. “Hokage-approved.”

They can’t argue with that, and if they try, he’ll remind everyone of just how dangerous he is.

“Let’s go,” Anko barks, and there’s a handful of vials in a plastic back, still steaming wisps of cold air from the temperature-controlled storage.

Kakashi follows her, and they get directed without hesitation to the right room.

Tenzō’s already waiting outside the door.

Anko slams to door open, gets to Kanna, and shoves the bag in her face.

“Wait!” Tenzō yells. “Those are—”

“I know!” Kanna yells, and she’s already pulling a syringe and transferring whatever is going on. “Get out!”

There are too many people in this room.

Jiraiya, the Uzumaki, Anko and Tenzō, the _dead—_

There’s too much going on, and Kakashi doesn’t have enough pieces.

Anko’s breathing is shallow and angry and contained, and Tenzō looks to be on the edge of a panic of his own.

“What are they?” Kakashi asks, the dread already pooling.

Kanna plunges a syringe into Sakura’s heart.

“Hashirama cells,” Anko says.

Shit.

_Shit._

Sakura screams again. Her back arches, and the wave of chakra that somehow leaves her body is enough to rattle the windows.

The lights flicker.

For a single moment, everything is still.

Sakura falls back to the bed, boneless.

Kanna breathes heavily, the loudest sound left in the room, and then throws herself across Sakura’s chest.

Jiraiya steps forward. “Is she—”

“For now,” Kanna hiccups. “But we’re going to need Tsunade, I think.”

Tsunade wouldn’t come back to the village for anything, Kakashi thinks, except this is her _apprentice_ that’s dying.

It might be enough.

“I’ll send a toad,” Jiraiya says, and steps to the door. “Unless you need…”

“No. Yes. I mean,” Kanna trails off, and then hesitantly says, “I think… I think we abandoned some people on the way back.”

“I’ll check on the detection seals,” Jiraiya promises, and slips out.

Kakashi stays where he is.

The emergency is—it’s not over.

But it’s on hold, maybe.

There’s nothing else he can contribute.

“Anyone feel like explaining?” Anko demands, quiet and controlled and very much keeping her eyes on the Uzumaki.

“I’m lost,” Kakashi admits.

“Yeah, uh-huh, mind explaining why I’m seeing two dead people,” Anko asks, eyes sliding over to him. “Perfectly healthy, living dead people?”

Kakashi cringes.

“I’d like to know the same thing.”

Ah. The Sandaime.

Right in the doorway.

Probably just arrived.

Shit.

Kakashi turns and bows. “Hokage-sama.”

“I’m not leaving her,” Kanna says, voice rough, and shoots a glare over her shoulder. “I’m not—you can’t _make_ me.”

‘Feral,’ Kakashi had joked.

‘A rescue,’ Sakura had corrected.

He’s not sure which is right, anymore.

“A shadow clone, perhaps?” Hiruzen suggests, and Kanna hesitates.

“No,” she finally says. “But Kurama knows everything I do.”

A twist of chakra later, and the Kyuubi stands before them, looking as almost human as Kakashi’s gotten used to.

His eyes skip to Rin, then land on Shisui. “Keep your eyes in check and I won’t eat you.”

Shisui blanches. “I haven’t even _done anything!”_

Kurama bares his teeth in a parody of a grin. “Yeah, well, I’m not a fan of your pinwheel.”

Shisui tries to hide behind Rin.

He’s almost forty centimeters taller than her, so it… does not work. It would be funny, except _nothing_ is, right now.

Kurama rolls his eyes. “Alright, everybody out. I’ll handle… _exposition,_ I _guess.”_

A thought occurs.

 _“Can_ you leave?” Kakashi asks, sidling over just enough to ask.

Kurama blinks at him, then goes over to Kanna and reaches into one of her pockets.

He comes back to Kakashi and presses a scroll into his hands. “I can now.”

Right.

Okay.

Cool.

Kakashi glances at the Hokage, just enough to get approval, and then the entire menagerie troops out.

He startles when a small form comes to his side and takes his hand.

He looks down.

Rin smile back up at him.

His hand spasms.

“I really am sorry,” she says, and squeezes his hand. She drops her head enough to keep an eye on where they’re going, and clings to him like a genin.

The walk to the Hokage’s office isn’t as quick as it could be, because Kurama can’t shunshin. Shisui ends up weaving a genjutsu around himself and Rin so nobody starts asking uncomfortable questions, and by the time they get to the office, Jiraiya is waiting for them.

“A few hours,” Jiraiya says. “Nobody expected Sakura to get hurt in a way she couldn’t heal herself, so we didn’t anticipate needing Tsunade-hime as more than backup on a longer surgery.”

Because if _anyone_ else had been hurt, Sakura would have been about as good as Tsunade. Better, even, because Tsunade still flinches at blood, and Sakura doesn’t.

The privacy seals activate, and the Hokage takes a seat.

He eyes them all for a moment, and then gestures. “Kakashi, take a seat.”

Kakashi blinks at him. He points at his own face.

“Yes, you look like you’re about to keel over,” the Hokage says.

Kakashi lets Rin guide him to a chair.

Jiraiya takes the other.

Hiruzen eyes them all, and then sets his eyes on Kakashi again. “Report.”

Kakashi stares at him. He looks at Tenzō, and Anko, and then back at Hiruzen. “Even the S-rank secrets?”

“Elude what you can,” Hiruzen says, with half a nod at Shisui in particular.

Okay.

Kakashi can do that.

So… he does that. He’s pretty sure he dissociates for most of it, because his voice stays even and he’s only vaguely aware of how Rin won’t leave his side, and how Tenzō gravitates over to the other, but he can report.

Giving the Hokage a sitrep is _easy,_ until he gets to the Rinnegan.

He pauses, and looks at Jiraiya, and then… explains.

The whole thing with the… proper resurrection.

The Shinigami.

Everything that went suddenly, impossibly wrong.

Hiruzen keeps cool through the whole thing.

He nods when Kakashi finishes, and then turns. “Jiraiya?”

“Yeah, Sensei?”

“I believe you were checking on what happened to Itachi and Obito.”

Jiraiya shakes his head. “Gone by the time I checked. I think the reverse summoning being as different from intended ended up breaking the barriers.”

Hiruzen nods. Anko’s next. “The Hashirama cells?”

Anko grimaces. “I reported that last year, Hokage-sama.”

“I wasn’t aware you knew where to find them.”

She shrugs. “All I knew was that you approved it and that Kanna kept saying it wasn’t undergoing human testing at any point, and that it was intended for Sakura.”

“But you knew they were cloned cells of Hashirama’s.”

Anko nods. “I… offered some thoughts on telomere maintenance and the like. Things I remembered from…”

She purses her lips, but nobody has to _guess_ what she meant.

“The reports,” she finally says, shooting a look towards Tenzō.

Hiruzen nods, unreadable.

“Kurama,” he says. “I believe you are the best suited to explain the… circumstances.”

“Wasn’t planning on telling any of these people,” Kurama says gruffly. “Hatake, soon, but not the rest.”

“We, um, kind of know?” Shisui offers.

He tries to hide behind _Tenzō_ this time, which works marginally better than hiding behind Rin.

Kurama blinks at him. “Oh _shit.”_

“Only those who died before the reset point,” Rin says quietly. “Not everyone, and not everything, but I’d kept an eye on Obito, and Shisui still had active eyes out in the world, so…”

With a groan, Kurama leans back against the wall and runs a hand down his face. “Fuck.”

Kakashi’s brain refuses to put the pieces together. He can see how they’re supposed to go, but he’s dealt with so much bullshit today that he just wants to cling to his denial a little longer.

“So if someone decides to bring back Madara—”

“Aa, he’d remember.”

“Shit,” Kurama repeats, and Kakashi sees the sentiment echoed on Jiraiya’s rapidly-paling face. _“Shit.”_

“So I suppose that leaves Mitarashi-san and Tenzō-san,” Hiruzen says, rather than letting them keep on the path of ‘oh hey, Madara’s going to get resurrected too, and not by us.’

Kakashi wants to sleep for a week.

“Okay,” Kurama says, rubbing at his forehead with the heel of his palm, like it’s going to _help_ somehow. “Give me—give me a minute. I need to check with the head bitch in charge.”

He closes his eyes, and Kakashi doesn’t even pretend to have any answers for Tenzō’s searching look.

“Should we call Inoichi?” Jiraiya asks.

“I already sent for him and Shikaku,” Hiruzen dismisses. “They’re already on their way.”

“Ah, yeah, for the intel, but…” Jiraiya trails off, and Kakashi feels eyes on him.

It’s not surprising.

“A few minutes, then,” Hiruzen says, and then when Kurama opens his eyes and confirms he’s got permission, Hiruzen raises a hand and asks him to wait.

Kakashi doesn’t react when Inoichi and Shikaku _do_ finally arrive, nor when the Hokage gives them an abridged summary of what happened in the thrice-damned cave.

Shikaku sighs. “Right then. So this is going to bring the number from seven to, what, twelve?”

“Big jump,” Inoichi says.

“I told Itachi,” Shisui mutters, and is immediately pinned with a glare from half the room.

He cringes again.

“I’m assuming you had a _reason?”_ Shikaku says.

Shisui nods rapidly.

“Thirteen, then,” Inoichi says. “I’d ask why you need us here, since we’ve already heard it, but with the _new leaks,_ I can imagine that you’ll need some adjustment to the plans.”

Anko shifts her weight next to Kakashi, and he dimly catches a whiff of tension, a mix of stress and coiled rage and fear.

Hiruzen nods. “Kurama, if you will.”

The bijuu huffs. “Right. Okay. First thing’s first, I’m the Kyuubi.”

Silence.

“Half of you already knew this,” he continues. “I don’t know about you dead kids. I don’t particularly care. Mitarashi, tree boy, you probably guessed.”

Neither of them meet his eyes.

“Right,” Kurama says. “So, I’m the half that sealed into Kanna, externalized with a bunch of sealing nonsense that nobody except Jiraiya actually cares about. Got that out of the way? Great.”’

He takes a breath.

“Kanna and Sakura are time-travelers.”

Kakashi hates that his stomach twists and turns but not in surprise.

He’s been putting it together for the past, what, hour? Maybe?

It makes sense.

He doesn’t want it to.

“Who all knows?” Tenzō asks.

Jiraiya takes up the answer. “Myself, Tsunade-hime, Shizune-chan, sensei, the Intel boys over here, and Karin. Technically all of the bijuu, but only because they actually _remember_ the future, being… not exactly physical creatures.”

“You entrusted a _ten-year-old_ with that information?” Tenzō demands.

“She’s eleven, and it’s hard to _not_ tell a chakra sensor that the person claiming to be her older sister is actually her,” Kurama parries.

And yeah.

That makes sense.

Of course they’re _the same fucking person._

“Karin only knows because we _literally_ couldn’t hide it from her,” Kurama explains. “They grabbed her before they grabbed me, which means Kanna’s chakra was… well, different with age, but not enough for Karin to not put the pieces together.”

Right.

Kakashi feels like there’s a tremor in his cheekbone right now.

Is that normal?

“So… Sakura…” Anko trails off. “She’s Haruno?”

Kurama shrugs. He nods.

“And the eyes are Sasuke’s,” Shisui says.

Kurama curls a lip in distaste, but nods again.

Kakashi tries to picture shy little Haruno becoming the woman that can punch mountains down.

Does anyone that age really resemble what they’ll become?

He doesn’t know.

He did. Gai did.

Obito didn’t.

Rin never even got a _chance_ to grow up.

“Perhaps it would be best to explain the original timeline,” Hiruzen suggests, and it’s that exact kind, grandfatherly tone that _grates._

Kakashi almost wakes up from the dissociation hell.

Kurama does explain. It’s a story told in broad strokes, starting when the girls were originally in their late teens. The Fourth War, Madara, Obito, Zetsu, Kaguya. A seeming win, followed by the return of the crazy grandma a few months later, leading to a war that suddenly turned into one of attrition.

Hundreds of thousands dead.

Turns out _Sasuke_ was the third in that polyamorous triad, dead on a mission that took him too far for Sakura or Kanna to reach in time to save, for all their prowess as healers.

And Sakura…

“Her chakra control is _perfect,”_ Kurama says. “Her medical techniques are _flawless._ It’s terrifying and, you need to understand, literally _nobody_ would be able to do what she did without being an Uchiha.”

Because Sasuke had made them promise to take his eyes, a weapon far too powerful against one like Kaguya, and give them to someone who could control them without, well, dying. Or going blind.

Sakura was one of the only people who could handle the chakra strain.

She was the _only_ one who could take the eyes into her body and then _shut them off._

Perfect chakra control, Kurama insisted.

To a terrifying degree.

“The Hashirama cells were a long-term ploy,” Kurama says. “A backup plan. They can mitigate the damage of the Mangekyo, but it’s a dangerous game, and while Sakura was getting migraines from having those things in her head, it wasn’t anything she couldn’t handle.”

Of course not.

Until the Shinigami happened.

“Anyway,” Kurama says, oddly slow. “Time travel eventually came up. Mostly Naruto and Kanna. Picking the people to go back wasn’t _simple_ , but… anyway. I wasn’t involved in the process. I just know the basic rationale.”

Hiruzen gestures for him to share with the class.

“Optimal would have been Naruto and Sasuke because of the whole… transmigration thing, but that wasn’t an option, because one was dead and the other was the main battery. Barring that, one Senju and one Uchiha, direct lines from Indra and Ashura,” Kurama says.

“But there weren’t any Uchiha _left,_ except then-Obito,” he explains, “and we needed him loaning Kamui for the fuuinjutsu, so he had to help _fuel_ it. So the next best option was someone with a fraction of Uchiha blood, which at that point meant _eyes,_ so it was either Kakashi or Sakura. The Senju line was down to either Tsunade or an Uzumaki, which meant Kanna, since Naruto wasn’t an option. Tenzō would have worked, but, uh, sorry. You were dead by then. They weighed the pros and cons, decided that Kanna and Sakura were the best option, and sent them off.”

All makes sense.

Technically.

“They picked up Karin first thing, because Kusa was…” he trails off, snarls, and shakes his head. “Bad for her. They grabbed her first, then went to Tsunade. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know how exactly it went down, but they shared the truth and some proof, and Tsunade and Shizune agreed to provide a cover story when it was needed. They made contact through Tsunade to Jiraiya, used him to get into the village, got cleared with T&I, and went and… _retrieved_ me from the Shinigami’s stomach.”

There’s a whole story there.

Kakashi… wants to say that he doesn’t want to hear it.

But he does.

He’s tired of _not_ knowing.

It can wait, though.

“Everything from there is… what you already know,” Kurama says. “They adopted the kids, worked on fixing some _issues,_ like Shukaku’s seal, the whole Danzō thing… and eventually Obito, but that plan’s gone more ‘round the bend than _he_ has, so.”

Kakashi stares at the floor, and concentrates on his breathing.

“Kanna worked for Orochimaru, didn’t she.”

Anko is… not asking.

“For a time,” Kurama allows. “She couldn’t say that here, where he’d never met her, but everything she told you about the ‘someone similar’ was pretty true to life.”

Anko’s probably grimacing. Kakashi doesn’t look.

“So… what happened back in the cave?” Shisui asks.

Kurama shrugs. “Best guess, Sasuke left a chakra imprint in the eyes that didn’t activate until literally then, in order to bring you back to life. Probably for Itachi’s sake.”

Hm.

Concerning.

“That was… sweet of him?” Shisui hesitantly offers. “Um. Did he… _know_ that Sakura would react like that?”

“Fuck no,” Kurama says, and rather emphatically at that. “Not a single part of _that_ was planned, and I’ve never heard of Hamura-ji showing up to fuck over a Rinne Tensei caster after the fact. It might’ve been because her body couldn’t handle the strain, or some kind of metaphysical backlash, or Hamura getting revenge for the whole… stomach thing. Might’ve been the anti-Sharingan barriers having a delayed reaction. We don’t know.”

“Hamura?” Tenzō asks.

“Er… twin brother to the Sage of the Six Paths,” Kurama says. He doesn’t meet anyone’s eyes. “Since the Sage was my father, that means Hamura is my uncle, and since he _eventually_ took the role of the Shinigami…”

The bijuu trails off.

Kakashi stares at him.

(When had he stopped looking at the ground?)

“Your family tree is bullshit,” Anko says.

“Yeah, and?” Kurama demands. “The fuck do you want _me_ to do about it?”

Anko makes a noise that does not in any way mean a thing other than ‘I have no answer so I’m going to be immature about it,’ and Kakashi… _almost_ laughs?

“Why did you come back when you did?” Tenzō asks. Kakashi tilts his head, just a tiny bit, because it’s a _good_ question. “I mean, um, the stuff you said earlier… only people who died before the ‘reset point’ would remember, so that means you showed up after Shisui died, at least, but you joined the village only a few months after the Massacre, so… why not backdate a bit further? If Sakura and Kanna cared so much for the Sasuke of the timeline you come from, then why not try to stop that from happening?”

Kakashi is not the only one to note that Tenzō avoids so much as mentioning Itachi.

He’s guessed, then. The ambiguity from earlier must have suggested _something_ hinky.

“They tried,” Kurama admits. “Best we can tell, they hit a metaphorical wall in the space-time continuum and landed at the exact moment Sasuke’s Sharingan woke up, right at the tail end of the massacre. Probably something to do with Sakura having his eyes, but… no way to confirm one way or the other.”

That’s concerningly ambiguous, but if the _literal chakra being,_ a person who’s older than _everyone else in the room put together and then some,_ says that they can’t be sure, then… they can’t be sure.

“Any other questions?” the Sandaime requests, and… well, there are probably people shaking their heads. Kakashi’s not really feeling it.

“What happens now?” Tenzō asks. “With, um…”

“The dead people,” Anko clarifies.

“Yes, that,” Hiruzen says. He’s silent for a moment, and then, “Kakashi?”

Hokage’s saying his name.

Hm.

Kakashi raises his head and looks into Hiruzen’s eyes. Kakashi is incredibly tired right now. “Yes, sir?”

Hiruzen looks at him, and then shakes his head. “Never mind. Everyone take a few minutes. Rin and Shisui, do not leave the room, everyone else just please stay in the building and come back in fifteen minutes. Inoichi, could you take a moment and help Kakashi?”

“Aa,” Inoichi agrees. “I imagine it’s been… a rough day.”

No _shit._

“There’s a miniature conference room a few doors over,” Inoichi suggests, and he takes Kakashi by the elbow. “Unless—Kakashi, would you feel better if Rin was there?”

Kakashi’s head snaps up and over and _Rin Rin Rin—_

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Inoichi mutters, and Rin lunges to take Kakashi’s arm and peer up at him. “Hokage-sama, maybe your adjunct office instead?”

Hiruzen nods, and Inoichi leads the other two into the tiny, tiny office that opens directly to the Hokage’s.

“Do you want your dogs?” Inoichi asks. “It might help.”

Kakashi stands for a moment, hands at his sides, and feels… empty.

Help with _what,_ even?

“Summon a dog, Kakashi-kun,” Rin urges, voice soft, and he does.

Pakkun poofs into existence, and blanches at the sight of Rin. “Wh…”

“An unfortunate confluence of events with a fortunate outcome,” Inoichi says. “She’s here to stay, as far as any of us can tell.”

Pakkun hesitates, and turns to Kakashi. “Boss?”

Kakashi blinks at him.

He tries to think.

“I don’t…” he pauses. “I don’t feel like a person right now.”

Inoichi is too professional to wince, but Rin isn’t, and Pakkun just launches himself into Kakashi’s arms and clings. Kakashi’s reaction, reaching up to hold Pakkun there in a tiny hug, is automatic.

Kakashi belatedly notices someone invading his space. Slim arms come around his waist, and a head presses against his ribcage.

Rin is so _small._

“Okay,” Inoichi says. “Take a seat. You haven’t really had time to process any of this, and it’s all hitting you… rather a lot more personally than anyone else in that room.”

Kakashi takes a seat in a plush armchair, and there’s enough room on the cushion that Rin squirms in next to him.

Pakkun cuddles closer.

“Walk me through it,” Inoichi says. “Do you mind if I talk the way I normally would, or do you prefer I censor since Rin is here?”

Kakashi stares at him.

“We know you dissociate when things go wrong,” Inoichi continues. “The danger is over, so right now, your mind is struggling to catch up. Let’s categorize the good things. Rin is alive again, that’s a good thing. Say it.”

Kakashi takes two tries before he can say, “Rin is alive again, and that’s a good thing.”

“Great,” Inoichi says encouragingly. “Shisui is alive. He was a friend, too, so that’s a good thing.”

Kakashi repeats it dutifully.

“The Slave Seal on Obito,” Inoichi presses, “You managed to neutralize it when the first point of contact failed. That’s a good thing, and you should be proud.”

This one takes three tries, and Rin squeezes his hand.

Kakashi closes his eyes.

Rin is alive. Shisui is alive. Obito’s free of Zetsu’s most direct manipulation. These are good things.

His fingers play with the wrinkles at Pakkun’s scruff. Good things. They’re good things.

“Kakashi,” Inoichi calls.

Kakashi looks up. “Yes?”

“What’s the biggest roadblock right now?”

Everything.

“I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Inoichi says. “Let’s break down what we can, then. Tsunade is on her way to help with Sakura’s condition, and Kanna is accomplished in her own right. If you’re worried about Sakura, does Tsunade’s coming here help mitigate that?”

A little.

Kakashi nods, just a bit.

“Those girls have been through a lot,” Inoichi says. “I’ve been told that Kanna would have still been flipping tables if Sakura was in immediate danger, so she’s stable. We can put that to the side, because you can trust that she’s going to get the best care, right?”

Maybe.

“For now?” Kakashi tries.

Inoichi nods. “We can work with that. Not everything can be processed immediately. We just want you to get to a point where you _can_ process instead of being numb.”

That makes sense.

Kakashi nods.

“So that’s a few new and scary things that we can classify as good, and one bad thing that we can trust someone else is handling well,” Inoichi says. “Which leaves…”

Kakashi’s mouth unsticks. “The time-travel.”

Inoichi nods.

He doesn’t ask ‘and how does that make you feel?’ because nobody’s that cliché in a shinobi village, but the vibe is there.

“They were my friends,” Kakashi says. “Close friends. Possibly with other feelings? And now it turns out they have—they have an entire history _with me,_ a version of me that doesn’t exist anymore, and I can’t…”

His gaze drops to the floor. “Finding out something shocking about their past was inevitable, but the fact that the something shocking _involves_ me feels like… betrayal? Which is dumb. I mean, a bunch of people knew, but each person had a reason, right?”

“Two of the Sannin, and the Hokage, that’s obvious. Jounin commander and head of intel, _also_ obvious. Karin couldn’t be avoided. Shizune, they needed for the backstory to work, and they could have just had Tsunade convince her to lie, but I’m guessing it probably was more convenient to just tell her the truth, or—well, probably they knew that it would work better to just _tell_ her, especially since she’s Tsunade’s assistant. Apprentice. And anyway, they met Tsunade and Shizune before they met Hokage, here, so they could say whatever they wanted.”

He looks at his hands. Flexes his fingers. Tries to focus on the feeling of the leather coating his palms or the sight of ink under his fingernails.

“I wasn’t enough,” he says. “And I understand that there was a _logic_ to who they picked, but it hurts to know that they didn’t trust me, or couldn’t trust me, and the reason it hurts is because I trusted them. And it’s terrifying to know that I’ll never find out what that other Kakashi said and did with them, how he treated them and what those relationships were like, what secrets he told them, what experiences they shared, or…”

He slouches a bit, and Pakkun attempts to wriggle impossibly closer. “I don’t know how to feel, and I can’t even _talk_ to them about it or feel angry, because Sakura’s dying, and I think Kanna might break as badly as Obito did if Sakura actually dies.”

Rin’s breath hitches, and Kakashi’s brain twists because _she’s not dead, she’s not, but Sakura might be and—_

“Do you feel guilty?” Inoichi asks.

“Should I?” Kakashi asks. He mostly still feels empty. A bit angry and hurt and he feels guilty about _that,_ but he doesn’t think that’s what Inoichi is asking.

“No,” Inoichi says. “All of your emotions right now are entirely valid, but I don’t think the guilt would be earned or deserved. The situation is exceedingly complex, and just _knowing_ that it was declared an S-rank secret before they met you doesn’t actually make it any easier to work through feeling like they befriended you on false pretenses.”

Kakashi takes a moment, and then nods.

“I would go talk to them,” Inoichi says, “once it’s an option. I’m sure they’ll want to talk to you.”

Inoichi’s probably been _their_ therapist for S-rank stuff too, which is definitely a conflict of interest, but…

Well, Kakashi’s already declared that ‘not his problem’ before.

“Sounds like a plan,” Kakashi says.

Rin squeezes his wrist, and that’s still so strange to think. “You should eat something.”

He looks down at her. “What?”

“You should eat something. And drink. While we still have time.”

Right. Tiny medic.

“I think a few calories will do you some good,” Inoichi agrees. He stands up. “The time that Hokage-sama gave us is almost over, at any rate. We can come back to this on Tuesday.”

Yeah.

Kakashi’s not _skipping therapy._

Not after one friend got brought back from the dead, permanently, in a way that might kill another friend, who’s been lying to him for two years, and that’s before he hits on the mess with Obito _again._

“Tuesday,” Kakashi confirms. He lets Rin lead him back into the Hokage’s office, but she stays behind with Shisui as Inoichi grabs Kakashi in pursuit of a vending machine.

“Pick something,” Inoichi urges, and Kakashi just looks at the machine until he sees something that doesn’t make his stomach turn. It’s a basic bag of trail mix, but it’s got enough sugars and proteins and salt to be a decent pick-me-up.

“Good choice,” Inoichi says, and Kakashi almost wants to protest being mother-henned like this, except he was just dissociating to hell and back, and Kakashi sure as hell wouldn’t have left one of his ANBU alone if they had an episode like his. Inoichi points at the other machine. “Pick a drink. Sugar good, caffeine bad.”

Kakashi doesn’t actually like sugar very much.

Juice should be fine, though.

He picks mango-berry.

Inoichi seems to approve, and then shoos him back to the Hokage’s office.

Rin immediately latches on to him again, and gets him back to the earlier chair. She sets Pakkun on his lap.

This is good.

Inoichi says something to Anko about joint sessions.

Kakashi wonders if she’s feeling as weird about the Uzumaki time travel nonsense as he is.

It would make sense.

Especially with the Orochimaru angle.

“Alright,” the Hokage says, once the privacy seals are back in place. “Kakashi, are you feeling better?”

“Yes, sir,” Kakashi says, and tries not to cringe at the fact that the question even needs to be asked.

Inoichi squeezes his shoulder, and then steps away.

Right. No blaming himself for reacting like a human being instead of a machine.

Hiruzen nods. “Good, because this is important.”

He sets forward a paper. “Nohara Rin has been legally dead for ten years. Her family home was destroyed in the Kyuubi attack. Her mother died on a mission just a few months later, and with no direct heirs, all sentimental assets were distributed to her genin teammates, and financial assets folded into village coffers. As such, Nohara Rin has no finances available, and the paperwork to get her turned back into a living citizen of the village will take some weeks. Less than it may have, once, but we’ve had practice after Root. We will try to recover what we can of the Nohara savings, but that will also take time to process. As she’s currently not a living citizen, her status is effectively that of an undocumented minor, which means all legal decisions will be handled by next of kin or the state. As the sole _legal_ surviving member of her genin team, you are her next of kin, and hold the power of attorney until such a time as her citizenship and legal adulthood are reinstated.”

Kakashi doesn’t think he should be _anyone’s_ power of attorney, but sure.

“Okay,” he says. “So… she stays with me?”

“I’d like that,” Rin says, and smiles at him. “If you’re okay with it.”

“If you agree to it, then yes,” Hiruzen confirms. “If not, we likely have room in the ANBU barracks.”

“No, no, I’ll do it,” Kakashi immediately stutters. “I have a spare futon. And an air mattress. Whichever works better. What are we telling people? All of our generation is going to recognize her.”

“In a moment,” Hiruzen says, and shuffles through some papers. “Shisui is… also going to take some time to reinstate as a citizen, but _his_ savings were folded into clan coffers instead of the village, so access will likely just be asking Uchiha Sasuke to sign a piece of paper and talking to a bank.”

Oh shit, Sasuke.

Kakashi takes a moment to process, and then decides it really must be said aloud. “Oh shit, _Sasuke.”_

Shisui cringes.

The Sandaime nods. “Agreed. As much as I wish that we could simply say they are shinobi returning from long-term missions abroad, _both_ are very recognizable, and I fear that Sasuke’s mental state is…”

He trails off.

“Fragile,” Inoichi says flatly. “Very, _very_ fragile, and lying to him about a family member coming back somehow, either by hiding said family as a non-Uchiha or by claiming he was just on a long-term infiltration, will be _very bad,_ and I’m sure Kurama can confirm that.”

“Does Sasuke do something questionable in the future?” Tenzō asks.

Kurama growls, but it’s Shisui’s full-body flinch that catches Kakashi’s attention.

“That bad?” He asks.

“Nobody was doing him any favors,” Kurama says flatly. “And pretty much every few months after he turned twelve, some new S-rank criminal showed up to fuck with his head. It’s a miracle Naruto dragged him _back_ from it, eventually, and that took intervention from the _Sage of the Six Paths.”_

Literally none of that is comforting.

“I hate everything about what you just told me,” Kakashi says.

“Get fucked,” Kurama snips back.

Well, at least _that’s_ normal.

“So, yeah, I’m going to move in with Sasuke if we can get away with it,” Shisui says brightly. “And nobody is going to stop me.”

“Which means we are going to be telling a variation on the truth,” the Sandaime says. “Which is that, in the process of attempting to neutralize a hostile S-rank, an irreplicable series of events led to the return of two of our shinobi from the dead. _No_ details will be shared.”

Right. Nobody wants to bring up the idea that the dead _can_ be safely brought back. With Sasuke alone, that would cause mental illness flare-ups out the wazoo.

“What are you going to do when Orochimaru comes sniffing around?” Anko asks. It’s a good question.

“Point him to Ame and tell him he missed his chance,” Jiraiya says drily. “He already knows Edo Tensei. He knows the Rinnegan is rumored to bring back the dead. If he hears about us bringing back the dead at all, he’ll put two and two together. We don’t need to worry about him, because he’s more interested in immortality than revivification.”

“And if that doesn’t _work?”_ Anko demands.

“Then we sic Kanna on ‘em,” Kurama says, and he smirks when they look over at him. “What? She’s got ten years of _Orochimaru’s_ tricks up her sleeves. They’re not likely to pull anything she’s not expecting, and if they do…”

He grins, fangs ever sharp. “We can handle it.”

Anko narrows her eyes at him.

Hiruzen shakes his head. “Right. Kakashi, take Rin to your apartment. Kurama, Shikaku, Inoichi, and Jiraiya, you all stay here. Anko and Tenzō, I would dismiss you, but I need someone to fetch Sasuke for meeting with Shisui, and someone else to wait for Tsunade at the gates.”

The two look at each other. A quick game of jan-ken-pon later, Anko’s calling dibs on grabbing Sasuke.

“This does mean you’ll also be responsible for collecting the rest of the Uzumaki children,” Hiruzen says. “And letting them know one of their guardians is in the hospital until further notice. The Academy doesn’t let out for another hour.”

“I can handle it,” Anko says.

Kakashi hesitates at the door.

“Is,” he says, and coughs on thin air. He tries again. “Is there any chance I could wait at the hospital?”

He doesn’t, usually. Even when other friends have been grievously injured, he’s usually gone out to find weird gifts to cheer them up or tried to distract himself training.

He doesn’t do bedside vigils.

Unfortunately, this week has been _anything_ but usual.

“I’d allow it,” Inoichi says, and Kakashi belatedly realizes that his thoughts have caused him to miss that the Hokage was looking Inoichi to provide the approval of a Psych nin. “So long as he keeps Pakkun and Rin with him.”

Rin clings to Kakashi as if he’s going to run away if she doesn’t hold on to him.

Pakkun isn’t even in question.

Hiruzen nods. “But _do_ get some sleep tonight.”

Kakashi pulls Rin and Pakkun close, enters a shunshin, and gets out of there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some terms in Konoha's world might not function quite the same as they do in ours, like the connotations for 'undocumented minor' and the like. (I do have opinions on that realm of politics but nobody wants to hear me yelling about taking down ICE.)
> 
> Anyway. No more breaking of our POV character. This was the last time, promise.


	20. Dead Teens Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pakkun is the only emotionally-stable adult here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS FOR: discussions of canon child/teen death (Rin and Shisui), navel-gazing philosophy about the nature of relationships you don't remember, references to inappropriate minor/adult relationships (as a result of misunderstandings, not actual intent), and people bullying their friends into self-care

Kakashi gets them to the hospital courtyard, and then hesitates. It’s not entirely empty, but the only people there are civilians, and Kakashi doesn’t expect them to recognize Rin.

“Do you need to sit down again?” Rin asks.

Yeah.

He does.

He collapses on a bench, and puts his face in his hands. Rin’s tiny form hops up next to him, and wraps her arms around him as best she can.

Rin is alive. Shisui is alive. Obito is probably going to make better choices.

Itachi was given highly-sensitive information that he’s _hopefully_ going to use for good.

He lets his leg bounce, taking weight off it before he jostles his own head with the motion. “This entire situation is a mess.”

“Yeah,” Rin sighs. She kicks her legs, sandals just barely brushing the cement below. “It is.”

Kakashi looks over at her, and something in his chest finally, _finally_ untwists without him having to force it.

She’s alive.

She’s _alive._

He wraps her in a hug, so sudden that she squeaks, and pulls her close.

Rin is alive.

She’s in his arms, and she’s tiny, and she’s alive.

It’s absolutely terrifying and the best news he’s gotten _in his life._

“I missed you,” he says, and tries to put as much feeling as he can into the words, to the sister-that-wasn’t.

“I’m sorry you had to go through so much alone,” Rin says. “That part wasn’t my fault, we can blame all that on Zetsu, but…”

She seems to drop all pretense of normality and just crawls onto his lap like a child to hug him better.

She’s smaller than Juugo and Shin. About the same size as Sai.

Damn it, she’s still just a _kid._

“We’ll talk about it later,” he promises. He thinks he’s supposed to be the adult in this situation.

Is she a child still? In body, perhaps, but in mind? Legally, definitely. Would she be upset if he told her that she shouldn’t have to take care of him, because he’s got ten years on her now, and she shouldn’t have to worry about his mental health?

She shouldn’t have to no matter what, because as traumatizing as all this is for Kakashi, ‘died and got brought back to life in a way that may have incidentally killed the genuinely good person that did it’ is probably on the same level for Rin.

“Are _you_ okay?” he asks.

“I’ve spent the past twenty years coming to terms with my death,” she tells him. “I wasn’t necessarily aware of _all_ of it, just patches, because death is… complicated. I don’t remember much of the between place, really, so it doesn’t really add more than a year or two, mentally, but… Kakashi-kun, the only thing I regretted was that I made you kill me. Everything else was out of my control, beyond my skills or reach or—or was being manipulated by this Zetsu person, but that, _that,_ was all on me, and I haven’t forgiven myself for that night any more than you have.”

“Mm,” Kakashi says, and Rin presses the top of her head into his neck, just like an _actual_ kid. He rubs a hand across her upper arm, and his mind spins off into some half-hearted attempt at poetry about how the summer air can’t hope to warm a body chilled by death for this long. He’s not very good at poetry, so he goes on a different angle instead. “Team Minato just ended up a messed-up bunch, didn’t we?”

“Yeah,” Rin says, soft and finally letting herself sound as broken as they both had, back when Obito was dead to the world, and Sensei had just gotten promoted while his wife was newly pregnant, and it was nothing but the two of them against the rising tide of grief. “But we can fix it. There’s time, now.”

They sit like that for a while, and then Rin asks, “So, should I be calling you Kakashi-nii now?”

He blanches. “No.”

“Senpai?”

_“No.”_

“Kakashi-ji.”

_“Rin, no.”_

She giggles behind her hands, the very picture of an innocent teenager, and he swears to himself that for all he couldn’t protect her before, he’ll do it now. He’ll do _whatever it takes,_ because the universe—or, well, dead, crazy Sasuke from the future, apparently—saw fit to give him back a member of the family he’d thought lost forever, and he’s _never_ going to let her go again.

“Come on,” Rin says, hopping off of Kakashi and letting Pakkun jump to the ground. She takes Kakashi’s hand and smiles up at him. “Let’s go see Sakura-chan.”

\--

Kakashi lets himself into the room, Rin just behind him. Nobody really stops him, because for all that the hospital is Sakura’s territory, Kanna’s got just enough of the right credentials to run her wife’s treatment until Tsunade shows up. That means she’s got authority over the room, and nobody’s going to override it. If Kanna doesn’t object to Kakashi coming in, he’s clear.

There’s an empty chair on the other side of the bed. Just one.

He takes it, right across from Kanna, and Rin retakes her position from earlier.

Kanna has Sakura’s hand in her own, eyes sightlessly fixed on some point beyond the wrist. She doesn’t acknowledge them at all.

He waits.

“Boss?” Pakkun asks.

Kakashi shakes his head.

They wait.

Kanna finally stirs, looking up from whatever she’s doing. There are bags under her eyes, far deeper than there should be just an hour or two after the incident in the cave. She’s pale, too, and Kakashi’s willing to bet that the loss of chakra and blood has stripped a few pounds from her frame.

“You look like shit,” he offers.

Kanna rolls her eyes. With a smirk, she says, “Pot, meet kettle.”

Rin laughs softly, and Kanna’s eyes drift down to her. She grimaces. “I’ll call for another chair.”

“You don’t have to,” Kakashi protests.

“Yeah, no,” Kanna says. She shakes her head. “Listen, if you were the same age, or she was way younger than she is, nobody would blink twice. But a mid-teens girl sitting on the lap of a grown-ass man that regularly reads porn in public is probably going to get people calling for an investigation, no matter _how_ platonic it actually is.”

Fair.

He hates to admit it, but fair.

“You can puppy pile with the kids later,” Kanna offers. “Hana and Shin are about your outward age, Rin, and with that many people, it’s not going to actually turn heads to know that us grown-ups get involved.”

“I’m not a real grown-up,” Kakashi immediately says. “Your mini-me told me.”

Kanna gives him a stink-eye.

Rin slides off and sits on the floor. There’s an empty bed to their sides, but Rin’s too much of a medic to sit on there in her dirty clothes.

Kanna eyes them all for a moment, and then sighs. “I can’t talk about the details here. Too much risk.”

Kakashi nods. That’s expected.

“For what it’s worth,” she says carefully, “I _am_ sorry that lying to you was necessary. I only got to know you since we moved to Konoha—”

Since the time travel.

“—but you’ve been very important to Sakura for a long time,” Kanna says. “And she fretted about building some sort of connection with you.”

Kakashi looks down at the woman in the bed. She looks serene.

“I’m not…” he trails off, unable to word it in a way that will get the idea across without sharing too-risky information. “I don’t know how to be what she wants me to be.”

“You mean yourself?” Kanna asks.

Kakashi looks at her.

“We knew what we were getting into,” Kanna says, leaning forward and fixing him with an even stare. “We never planned on _anyone_ having the relationship we wanted with them, except each other, and Kurama. Every damn step was a risk, okay? We left behind everything _knowing_ that. We never expected anything from you but a chance, and maybe help with protecting Naruto. We hid things about our backgrounds, yes, but believe me when I say that Sakura was _ecstatic_ with building a real friendship with you.”

“And you?” Kakashi asks, because this is a whole lot of emotion that he does _not_ feel equipped to handle.

“Eh, I could take you or leave you,” Kanna says, utterly dismissive. “You’re kind of annoying.”

It is, technically, _easier_ with Kanna. She’s just admitted that they were never close, in the alternate future. Friends of friends, given her relationship with Sakura. He’s also interacted enough with Kanna and Karin that, even with the new info, they feel like separate people, still.

“Were you like her?” Kakashi asks, unable to help himself. “Karin, I mean. When you were her age.”

She blinks slowly at him, like she knows exactly what he’s trying to say. “No. Not at all. Kusa was… I already told you what they did. I didn’t get out of that situation until I was almost fourteen. I had a bit of a temper, but most of it was tamped down just to survive. I was… meek. Shy, for my own protection. I stayed out of trouble, and then I got dumped headfirst into a village that rivaled Kiri for unnecessary bloodshed in the pursuit of bullshit, and I had to toughen up or die trying.”

“And Karin saw you and went ‘oh, I can _be_ that’ and just went for it?” Kakashi summarizes.

“Less than a week after we got to Konoha, she’d basically done a full 180,” Kanna confirms. She laughs at that, a little. “I keep telling her I’m not actually someone to emulate, but she points out that I got to marry Sakura and can fight a bijuu bare-handed if I want to, so clearly I did okay.”

“It’s true,” Kakashi says. He feels a slight pressure against his thigh, and finds that Rin has decided he makes for a good pillow. Maybe being brought back to life tires a person out. He puts a hand on her head, and brushes his thumb down the way he would with one of his dogs, or maybe even the kids. He looks up again and meets Kanna’s eyes. “So, for the most part, you and I are basically where we were before today happened.”

Kanna shrugs. “I mean, there’s a handful of things to talk about, but yeah. There isn’t some deep and meaningful history that you miraculously don’t remember, any more than you with, I dunno, Iruka?”

Kakashi barely knows Iruka beyond ‘that one teacher that Naruto is inordinately fond of’ and a handful of random facts to do with his field skills. They’ve taken one, maybe two missions together. Kakashi can comfortably say that he knows Umino Iruka about as well as he knows any Konoha shinobi in passing.

“I can work with that,” he says. “Whereas Sakura…”

 _“Her,_ you’re going to have to talk to,” Kanna says. Severity sharpens her tone. “I’m not going to lie to you. There’s a history you don’t know about here, and it’s impacted how and why and _when_ she’s let herself get close to you. She was a lot more cut up about the secrets than I was, and while I can’t _force_ you to do anything, I’d like to ask you to keep in mind that she cares about you more than anyone in Konoha short of me and the kids.”

Kakashi almost asks about Tsunade, about Haruno-chan’s parents, about Shizune.

He doesn’t.

“I’ll talk to her,” he promises instead. “Because… I don’t want to lose this friendship either. I care a lot about both of you, but I don’t… I don’t know. It’s a lot to process.”

Kanna nods.

None of this surprises her.

“Kurama-sama said that the issue might be fuuinjutsu backlash,” Rin says quietly. “What do _you_ think?”

Kanna grimaces. “I know more about taking people apart and _changing_ them than about actually fixing them. If you tell me a person needs a lower magnesium concentration in their blood and the usual medication is setting off MCAS, I can break down a solution. If you tell me a person lost an arm, well, I’ve got a brute force solution to that too, if I like them enough. Taking a look at the cells and figuring out _what’s_ wrong is… harder.”

Rin’s brow furrowed. “But you’re listed as…”

“I’m not a medic, kid,” Kanna sighed. “Not the ways Sakura is. Diagnoses are beyond me for more complicated stuff, or I can figure out _what’s_ happening, but not why, or I don’t have the right education to recognize how it links to past instances of the same thing. I’m a field medic, sure, and a damn good medical researcher, but I’m not actually a _doctor._ I can tell you that her chakra is too low, that her coils are sore, that there’s a weird feeling to her eyes, but I’m not about to go in and poke her nerves or spinal column with my chakra. I know where the problem is, but actually figuring out what the problem is in a context that _means_ something? Yeah, no. Waiting on Tsunade for that.”

“You don’t want to mess things up more than they already are,” Kakashi surmises.

“Would _you_ risk it?” Kanna asks. She doesn’t wait for an answer. “If Tsunade gives the all-clear, then we’re going to move on and get Inoichi involved. I want to rule out primarily medical causes first, then get a look at mental plane, since… well, Sharingan.”

Kakashi considers that for a moment. “Is there a chance that a Hyūga could help?”

“Not much they can see that I can’t sense,” Kanna says. “But I’m going to defer to Tsunade on that one.”

“Fair,” Kakashi says. They sit in silence for a bit, and Kakashi lets his mind wander.

He should eat something. The trail mix was a good stopgap, but he still needed something more, right? And Rin hadn’t eaten more than the handful of bites that Tenzō had passed her of his ration bar.

“Have you eaten?” Kakashi asks.

Kanna blinks at him. “Oh. Shit.”

That answered that.

“Right,” Kakashi says, getting to his feet. “What works best for you? After something like this?”

“Protein and carbs,” Kanna immediately says. “And iron. Right now I need to regain fat, muscle, and blood.”

“Anko’s probably going to be here with the kids soon,” Kakashi says. “Should I just… get ramen for everyone? That’s filling. It’s got plenty of meat and carbohydrates. I know their tastes.”

“They’re not going to be allowed in here for long,” Kanna points out. “But sure. Oh, get Shio for Anko.”

“Right,” Kakashi says. He looks down at Rin, and hesitates.

She shrugs. “I probably shouldn’t go out into town yet. Can you get me one of the Kushina specials, if he still does them?”

Kakashi swallows. “Right. Yeah, of course.”

“Give it a second,” Kanna says. She digs a notebook out of her pocket, and starts scribbling. “Just so we have a record. The three of us, five Uzumaki kids, Sasuke, Anko. I can _feel_ Shisui getting herded this way by Jiraiya, so let’s add them since I’m pretty sure, now that I think about it, that Tsunade’s going to insist on full physicals for Rin and Shisui. Tsunade and Shizune are still… two hours out? Yeah. Two hours, give or take. So we can worry about them and Tenzō later.”

“Kurama,” Rin adds. “Unless he doesn’t eat?”

“He does,” Kanna says. She tilts her head. “And he’s… interested. Okay. I’ll add him to the list. Kakashi, I’m going to spot you the cash because this is a ludicrous amount of people to feed and half of them are mine, at least by quantity of ramen. I think the Hokage might be coming directly here to handle the Sasuke situation, so… should we get some for him, too?”

Kakashi blinks.

“Sure?”

Kanna finishes the list with a flourish, digs out a wad of notes, and passes them to Kakashi. “Here you go.”

It’s a long list, with favorites written down for anyone Kanna knows well enough, and quantities. Most have one bowl listed. Jiraiya, at his size, has three, and Kanna’s recovery necessitates the same. Naruto has six, plus appetizers.

Kakashi isn’t actually surprised, but this does in fact justify Kanna’s point about half the food being her people.

“I’ll be back… well, not soon, but when I get all of this,” Kakashi promises.

He goes out the window, and it’s only mostly habit.

\--

Kakashi gets back faster than anticipated. Apparently, Teuchi has a sixth sense for when huge ramen orders are coming up, and he barely blinks when Kakashi hands over a list. He’s scribbled out some of the names, but the Uzumaki are still bright and clear on there.

“Naruto got to pick dinner?” Teuchi asks wryly.

Kakashi sighs. “I wish it were that simple.”

Teuchi doesn’t ask him to elaborate, taking the vagueness for the evasion it is.

So the ramen is made, packaged, and handed over in record time, and Kakashi leaves a hefty tip of his own money for the man. It’s deserved. Getting back to the Hospital with over twenty bowls of ramen is not an easy task, either, but Kakashi has summons that are more than willing to help out, and he’s good at balancing.

It would be an interesting challenge with Gai, maybe. He’ll consider it another time.

He makes it back before the kids show up.

“Here we go,” Kakashi says, handing Kanna a small stack of bowls, and Rin her own, single bowl. Shisui and Jiraiya are already in the room, and Kurama’s re-manifested at some point since Kakashi left.

Actually, hadn’t Kakashi had the externalization anchor scroll in his pocket when he left the tower? Kurama must have disappeared pretty soon after that.

Well, Kanna’s here, so it doesn’t matter. Kakashi hands out more ramen to the bijuu, the sage, and the dead man.

His life is so damn weird these days.

“Watch out, you’re eating as fast as the brat,” Jiraiya mutters.

Kanna flips him off.

“Please don’t choke,” Jiraiya says. “I don’t want to explain to your wife why you died in the middle of a hospital.”

Kanna flips him off, but with emphasis this time.

Jiraiya looks at the sky with an expression best described as ‘pleading.’

Kanna swallows, and immediately says, “I’m not going to die of a _ramen_ overdose.”

The very idea seems to disgust her.

“Jiraiya’s just a grumpy old man who doesn’t want to admit he cares about you,” Kakashi says. “As like… a cousin-in-law? Maybe? Minato was his heir originally, so Kushina was functionally like a daughter-in-law, and you’re some undefined degree of cousin to her. So. Cousin-in-law?”

“You’d best stop talking,” Kurama advises.

Kakashi shrugs and goes back to hunting down opportunities to eat without showing his face.

“We should get T-shirts that say ‘dead teens club,’” Shisui suddenly says, eyes on Rin.

She blinks at him. “Teen zombies is better.”

Kakashi has no idea why he thought she’d be sensible about this.

“We’ll workshop,” Shisui promises.

“I feel like ‘dead teens club’ would be potentially triggering to, like, a fuckton of people,” Kanna comments.

“Yeah, that’s why ‘teen zombies’ is better,” Rin says.

Well. Well, _yes,_ but.

“You’re probably going to be doing therapy together,” Kanna points out. “Isn’t that kind of the same thing?”

Shisui blinks at her. “I don’t need therapy.”

Kakashi doubles over laughing. It’s probably not healthy. He can’t help it.

“Kid,” he says, standing up and wiping away a tear. “You just came back from the dead. I already heard what went down to make you dead in the first place. You need therapy as much as I do.”

“And that’s saying something,” Kurama mutters. Several people look at him, and he raises an eyebrow. “If any of you suggest that human psychology applies to a millennium-old chakra beast, I’m going to throw you out the window.”

Shisui pouts. “I don’t _need_ therapy. I just did what I did because there was no other option.”

“If Kakashi thinks you need therapy,” Jiraiya says, “Then _you need therapy._ You’re former ANBU, how can you even think that you don’t? You _know_ you need, at minimum, a full psych eval.”

“I was dead, not tortured!”

“Sage save me,” Kakashi mutters. He draws himself up straight. “Shisui, as your former ANBU captain—”

“Oh, you are not pulling this shit.”

 _“As your former ANBU captain,”_ Kakashi repeats, “I am saying that you _should_ have been receiving more frequent therapy than you did prior to your death. If you plan to reenter ANBU, I will _personally ensure_ that you go to therapy at least once a month.”

“But—but taichou, you can’t!”

Kakashi considers his reticence for a moment. “Were your psych evals with Root before?”

“I think so, but—”

“Yeah, no, let’s make that twice a month, whether you join ANBU or not,” Kakashi says. “Danzō’s dead, we don’t have to worry about Root, and you are _getting therapy._ Do you understand?”

“I don—”

 _“Do you understand, agent?”_ Kakashi snaps, and Shisui stiffens into as close an approximation of ANBU-attention as he can while holding a bowl of ramen.

He’s silent for a moment, and then relaxes. He slumps against Jiraiya, “Taichou, you _know_ I hate it when you use captain voice.”

“And you know I hate it when subordinates hide injuries that need tending. Mental counts.”

Rin makes a small noise. “Did you stop hiding _your_ injuries, Kakashi?”

Kanna chokes on her ramen, and then collapses into snickers.

Kakashi stares at her, nonplussed. He answers Rin. “I’m definitely better at it than I used to be.”

Taking pity on the assembled unknowing, Kurama says, “Kakashi has _repeatedly_ broken into the house to get medical attention directly from Sakura.”

“In my defense,” Kakashi says, over Shisui’s sudden laughter. _“In my defense,_ I was dealing with some _severe_ poisoning that caused too much paranoia for the hospital on one occasion, and had used an emergency reverse-summoning on the other. I did not control where the reverse summoning took me.”

“We had to replace the cupboards,” Kanna bemoans. “Because he bled all over them and we couldn’t get the stains out.”

Kakashi pouts.

Shisui laughs harder.

“Oi,” Jiraiya says, poking at him. “Kid. We literally just got you back, you can’t go and die on us because you _laughed too hard._ That would be more pathetic than Uzumaki dying on ramen.”

“Get fucked,” Kanna drawls.

“I’d lo—no, nope, not around you,” Jiraiya cuts himself off and turns back to Shisui, who is now on his knees and clutching his stomach. “Kid. _Kid._ Come on.”

“Was he… _always_ like this?” Rin asks.

“No,” Kakashi says. He tilts his head and watches as Jiraiya scruffs Shisui like a cat. The kid _keeps laughing,_ possibly harder, and Jiraiya doesn’t seem to know what to do with that. He looks at Kanna, which nets precisely zero results, and then turns and shoves one gangly, hysteric teenager at Kurama.

“The hell?” Kurama demands, but catches Shisui mid-stumble and pulls him into a hug that seems less about affection and more about pressure. Kurama glares at Jiraiya over Shisui’s shoulder—barely, because Shisui’s tall for his age of death, and Kurama is decidedly average in height—and says, “Focus, kid.”

Shisui’s laughter turns to sobs, and then hiccups, and finally just shuddering, shaky breaths.

It’s _incredibly_ awkward to watch.

“So,” Kurama says. “That was not a funny enough joke for that response.”

“Yep,” Shisui stutters. “I, uh, I might. Be wrong.”

“About needing therapy?” Kurama asks. “Because yeah. Dead wrong. Quite literally. We’re shoving you at whatever bastard in the psych department is unlucky enough to deal with S-rank secrets.”

Shisui flinches. “Wouldn’t have taken the Kyuubi for a dad type.”

“I’m almost a thousand years old. Humans are basically all weird, hairless babies, as far as I’m concerned,” Kurama grunts. “You, you’re still _adolescent,_ that’s basically still a fetus.”

“Rude,” Shisui says. “Hey, hey taichou, I think dying made me a bit broken.”

“Yeah,” Kakashi says, because he can’t think of a better response. “That happens sometimes.”

Shisui whines, like he kind of wants to laugh again, and then collapses bonelessly against Kurama. This is a feat, considering he hadn’t exactly been _not_ collapsed in the first place. “You’re good at this, Kyuubi-sama. Am I being spiritually adopted? Is that what’s happening. I vibe with that. It’s confusing, because I’ve legally been an adult since I was like eight, but I can work with it.”

Kurama rolls his eyes. Tetchy bastard. He pats Shisui on the back. “Do I look like an Uchiha to you? Fuck no. I picked my idiots and they don’t have magic eyes, just chakra reserves and voices bigger than one of Shukaku’s belches. I’m doing this because, for some _fucking_ reason, I’m the closest thing this room has to an emotionally-stable adult that knows how to calm you down.”

“I’ve already told you all that I’m not a real adult,” Kakashi points out.

“I’m not good with crying people unless I know them personally or it’s about a breakup,” Jiraiya says. “Or, like, grief on the battlefield. This was out of my wheelhouse.”

“I’m just an asshole,” Kanna adds.

Shisui squirms, and turns to eye Kakashi. “Taichouuuuu.”

“No.”

“Save me.”

“Nope.”

Kakashi pulls out his porn.

“The kids are going to be here in like two minutes,” Kanna snaps. “Put that away.”

“No, I need help ignoring Shisui.”

Kanna makes a noise of disgust.

Rin giggles, and then holds up Pakkun. “I’ve got an emotionally-stable adult right here.”

Pakkun blinks, entirely comfortable with this appellation. “Yo.”

Shisui ditches Kurama to shunshin across the room—entirely unnecessary, but hey, he hasn’t exactly been doing much these past two years, so Kakashi cuts him some slack—and gently takes one of Pakkun’s paws in each hand. “Oh my god? You are the cutest thing? Taichou, why didn’t you ever get him out when we worked together.”

Kakashi looks at the ceiling. “Because we were ANBU and generally _not_ looking to share our identities.”

“It would have been worth it,” Shisui croons, taking Pakkun from Rin and dropping to the floor to cuddle the dog. Kakashi is pretty sure Pakkun didn’t mind. He looks comfortable enough.

“So,” Kurama says. “Mood swings.”

“Definitely worse than before,” Kakashi confirms. He nudges Shisui with a foot. “Hey, the kids are going to be here soon. You wanna get set up to say hi to your little cousin, or…?”

Shisui looks up at him. “But… puppy.”

“Pakkun’s a big boy,” Kakashi reminds him. “He can handle it.”

“Kakashi, absolutely nothing about your dog is big. He is _precious.”_

Kakashi looks at the ceiling and wonders how he ended up talking to a zombified teenager about his talking dog.

Like, he’s dealt with weirder.

But he’d like a _map_ to avoid this in the future.

A flowchart would be acceptable.

“Pakkun,” Kakashi says slowly, “Is an adult. And while he does a _very_ good job at being an emotional support dog when I need him to be, and has in fact performed that exact function today and multiple times in the past week, I need you to understand that there is a soon-to-be-ten-year-old en route to this room to find out that you are _no longer dead_ as the best possible birthday present we could have given him, and if you prioritize an emotionally stable dog over an emotionally compromised Academy student, I will be petitioning to get custody of Sasuke _myself_ since you’re clearly not ready.”

Shisui stares at him.

“Taichou?”

“What.”

“You’re still scary.”

“I’ve always been scary. Get up and get ready to make a little kid’s year.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favorite line in this chapter is absolutely **“I’m just an asshole,” Kanna adds.**
> 
> Anyway, I wrote most of this while without internet and couldn't check to see if Shisui ever actually WAS on Kakashi's team. It's not impossible that he was at some point, and just got shuffled out later, so I'm going to say Yes and ignore canon if I'm wrong, because it gives me an opportunity to have fun with their friendship.


	21. Family Reunion...ish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not every day a member of your family comes back from the dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: references to canon traumas, general PTSD exploration, guilt complexes

Kanna pulls the curtains closed around Sakura’s bed, a minute before the kids arrive. Kakashi stays in that little imitation of privacy with Rin. One coma patient, two exhausted adults, an undead teenage girl, and a pug. The demon has decided to take a nap in a plane of reality that may not technically exist.

It’s the setup to a very strange joke, Kakashi’s sure, but he has no idea what that joke would look like.

They’re eavesdropping, of course. It’s not like anyone would expect this kind of meeting to go without some heavy surveillance. Jiraiya’s even staying out in the open, standing to the side and scribbling something into a notebook. Shisui just sits on the hospital bed, legs kicking, and hums a little ditty.

He’s a sweet kid.

Kakashi cocks his head to the side and closes his eye when voices reach the door. He probably doesn’t need to try this hard, but he doesn’t want to miss a moment. He can practically _hear_ Shisui’s nervous energy, though.

“—need to understand that the situation is entirely unprecedented. We cannot even begin to replicate it, and it nearly killed one of our shinobi. The fact that we ended up with the result we did is nothing short of a miracle, and I need you to understand that before we go in.”

“Hai, Hokage-sama.”

Sasuke manages to sound so very, very grumpy. Nominally polite, of course, because that’s _the Sandaime,_ but still. Grumpy little brat.

“Very well, then.”

The door opens, and not a single person misses the sharp, slightly horrified gasp.

“Heya, kid,” Shisui says. “I, uh… guess I’m the miracle?”

“Sh… Shisui?” Sasuke whispers.

Kakashi wants to see what’s going on so damn bad.

“Aa, Uchiha-kun,” the Hokage says. “It’s really him. We’ve had a Yamanaka confirm that he’s most likely not an enemy plant, and we’re waiting on a specialist for the physical exam, but to the best of our knowledge: Uchiha Shisui has returned to life, hale and healthy.”

A hesitant step. Another. A few rapid-fire and then a wail and a thump.

Kakashi doesn’t need to be a prodigy to put together that Sasuke just flung himself into Shisui’s arms, sobbing his eyes out.

“Oh,” Rin whispers, her head falling sideways into Kakashi’s ribcage.

Yeah.

Kakashi can relate.

It’s not every day part of your family comes back from the dead.

“H- _how_ did…”

“Ah, well, that’s a whole bunch of S-rank stuff,” Shisui says nervously. “Hokage-sama and Jiraiya-sama were both pretty adamant about that bit. If anyone asks you, though, just tell them I was _really super annoying_ so the Shinigami kicked me out, okay? Just, like, I bothered him _so much_ that he had to get rid of me.”

“Nobody’s going to b-b-believe that,” Sasuke says, and yeah, the crying definitely isn’t doing his diction any favors.

“I mean, what are they going to do? Demand S-rank secrets about zombies from the Hokage? Pfft. Yeah, right.”

Sasuke makes a low, hiccupping whine of a noise, and then it’s just crying and snuffling and fabric rustling.

“This is awkward,” Rin whispers.

“Yeah,” Kakashi mutters back. “I’m regretting it.”

Kanna raises an eyebrow, unimpressed, and flashes into Konoha Sign Language. ‘None of us were planning to leave this room anyway. If they wanted to [???] that we didn’t hear, they’d have told those guys to move.’

Kakashi’s pretty sure at least some of that was from Kusa, but the gist is there. Rin looks confused, and is mouthing words to herself as she tries to parse the sentence. Kakashi can’t actually remember if Rin ever learned actual KSL or just field signs.

Actually. He turns to Kanna and starts signing back. ‘I didn’t know you knew sign.’

She shrugs. She doesn’t actually _answer._

She also rolls her eyes when he pouts at her, which is pretty much par for the course.

Kakashi can still hear Sasuke asking questions and crying on the other side of the curtain, at least one of which is, “Why _you?”_ in a way that sounds guilty and desperate, and rather a lot like Sasuke doesn’t want to _admit_ he’d have preferred someone else, because anyone at _all_ is a miracle, but is fully aware that if he’d have been _asked_ who to bring back, he’d have probably picked, say, his mother.

“Just got lucky, I guess,” Shisui says. “Well, me and Nohara Rin-san. She’s one of Kakashi’s old teammates.”

“Eh? It wasn’t just you?”

Fucking _hell,_ Shisui.

“Just the two of us. She died a few months before you were born, so the world changed way more for her than it did for me.”

“O-oh… they… did they tell you a-about—”

“They did. Yeah. Um… didn’t have to. Tell me, I mean. I kind of saw it from, you know, the afterlife. Didn’t quite make it to—you know what? Let’s just go back to hugs. Hugs are good. Depressing shit can wait.”

Kanna whirls around, rips the curtain open, and snaps, “Language!”

Shisui, for his part, screams like a child and manages to make Sasuke fall off his lap as he jumps to get his back to a wall.

Good news: he brought Sasuke to the wall with him.

Bad news: Uh, everything else.

“That was _so totally not cool,”_ Shisui squeaks. “I’m going to have a heart attack! Holy shit! I just came back from the dead, man, don’t send me _back.”_

“Language,” Kanna hisses.

Kakashi kind of wishes Sasuke wasn’t here, because he’s pretty sure Kanna would gut him if he pulled the porn out right now. Admittedly, Sasuke is why this situation is even _happening,_ so. Like. Logic?

Sasuke is staring at Kanna in what Kakashi hopes isn’t fear.

“Yo,” Kakashi says. Rin waves a bit at Sasuke.

Sasuke keeps staring. His eyes drift down and to the side. “Is—is that Uzumaki Sakura?”

Kanna winces. “Um. Yeah. It is.”

Sasuke stares for a second, and then his eyes widen in horror. “Hokage-sama said that s-someone almost died to b-bring Shisui back.”

Kanna shudders. “Yeah.”

A series of emotions fly across Sasuke’s tiny face, and Kakashi can see the impending guilt complex.

“We’ve got a specialist coming,” Kanna says, apparently noticing the exact same thing. She… definitely does know him better. Both this tiny version and what he would—could?—become. “Sakura is going to be fine. You can introduce her to your cousin once she wakes up.”

And Sasuke is trembling.

Cool, cool, cool.

“There’s ramen,” Rin says. She’s trying to be helpful. “Kanna decided we’d all need a whole bunch of food because of the stress.”

“No,” Kanna says. “Pretty sure that was Kakashi.”

It _was_ Kakashi.

“Right,” Rin soldiers on. “And there’s a ramen under a stasis seal with your name on it. I think they wanted you to finish your reunion before they had Anko-chan—or, um, Anko-san? She’s older than me now… anyway! The other kids are going to be coming to see Uzumaki Sakura. So everyone’s going to have ramen, because it’s _crazy_ right now and Kakashi-kun said that ramen is popular with the Uzumaki family, which makes sense since Ku—mmph.”

Rin stops talking. She goes cross-eyed as she tries to see Kakashi’s hand, which is over her mouth, and then looks up at him.

“We’re gonna stop there,” Kakashi says. He eye-smiles.

He can feel Hiruzen’s eyes on him from across the room.

He is _not_ going to let Rin accidentally spill an S-rank secret just because she’s not used to it _being_ a secret.

“There’s ramen for you too, Hokage-sama,” Kakashi says, pulling his hand away from Rin’s mouth. “If you’re interested?”

“I’m afraid I would likely have Naruto gunning for my head if I wasn’t,” Hiruzen jokes, and the tension flees Kakashi’s spine. “You’ve already eaten, I assume?”

“Aa.” Kakashi slouches. “Kanna needed to get her energy back up, you know.”

Kanna rolls her eyes. Again.

“You know, if you keep doing that, your eyes are going to get stuck that way,” Kakashi tells her.

“Good, then I won’t have to deal with your ugly face.”

“You’ve seen his _face?”_ Sasuke demands. Shisui seems just as interested in the answer. He actually looks almost aggressively bug-eyed about it.

Kanna smirks. “On the _day I met him,_ even.”

Shisui’s mouth drops open in horrified offense. “You _never_ let me see your face! Not once!”

“You didn’t earn it,” Kakashi tells him.

Jiraiya snorts. When Shisui turns to look at him, the man shrugs. “What? I’ve seen his face too. Besides, Kanna’s only seen it for medical reasons. Hokage-sama _ordered_ him to take his mask off for that.”

“Oh,” Shisui says, seemingly thinking it over. “That’s alright then.”

“Yeah, because I totally needed a dead teenager’s permission to see a guy’s face,” Kanna snarks.

“I mean, if you feel that—”

“Ahem!” Jiraiya interrupts. He smiles brightly. “Kanna, your brats are five seconds down the hallway.”

“Yeah? And?”

Jiraiya shakes his head. “Just thought you ought to know.”

“Bi—”

“Yes! I remember you’re a sensor!” Jiraiya immediately interrupts. “But you were also _incredibly_ distracted.”

She glares at him.

“NEE-CHAN!”

Naruto barrels into the room, and is only barely prevented from bodily flinging herself onto the bed by Kanna grabbing the back of her shirt.

“Do _not_ throw yourself onto the unconscious person,” Kanna immediately says.

“But—but—”

Kanna gives Kakashi a tired look. “Can you…”

Kakashi holds out his hands, and she throws the blonde into his arms. He rearranges the kid, who is once again wearing a skirt and even a hair ribbon, and lets the hugging happen.

“Sakura is going to be _fine,”_ Kanna says, and Kakashi almost believes that she’s as sure as she sounds. She turns to address the kids that have all crowded the doorway, and Anko behind them. “Shizune and Tsunade are going to be here soon. I know for a _fact_ that you all know how good they are. Sakura is going to be in the hands of the _best medic on the continent.”_

“Barring herself?” Kakashi asked.

Kanna turned to look at him over her shoulder. “Do you really want to ask Tsunade and Sakura which of them is the better medic? You want to pose that question?”

“Not really.”

Kanna shakes her head. “There is ramen. We can hang out here for a bit, especially since Hokage-sama is here, but I’m only giving it an hour, okay? After that, everybody without a forehead protector goes home.”

Shin perks up, and Kanna glares at him. “You know what, everyone under the age of fifteen.”

Shin droops.

“Um,” Kakashi says, and then gestures at Sasuke, who looks like he’s about to have a breakdown about being separated from Shisui.

“…he ain’t my kid,” Kanna dismisses. “He can stay until Tsunade kicks him out.”

“Aneki?” Sai grabs attention. “What _happened?”_

“A god got annoyed at us for messing around and did a thing. Brought back two dead people. Nearly killed Sakura. We’re still not sure about the details. Definitely can’t recreate everything to do it again even if we wanted to. The short girl behind me is Nohara Rin. Tall, pale, and gangly over there is Uchiha Shisui. Any more questions?”

“Is Tsunade-baa-chan _really_ coming to Konoha?” Karin asks.

“Girl, do you _remember_ what happened the last time you called her that to her face?” Kanna demands.

“Yeah, but this time I have Naruto.”

Kanna tips her head back, just enough that Kakashi is sure she's looking at the ceiling. “Sage help me deal with the _utter bull_ that is my little sister.”

“The Sage can’t help you now,” Karin intones, and then walks over to the bed. She looks Kanna up and down, and then takes her chair.

“Wh—brat!”

“You stood up. Free real estate.”

Kanna glares at her.

Kanna proceeds to pick Karin up by the armpits and take her chair back.

Kanna plops Karin down on her lap, crosses her arms, and traps the girl there.

Kakashi isn’t sure what Karin was expecting.

“Y’all done?” Anko asks.

“Help yourself to some ramen,” Kanna says, gesturing at the pile of preserved takeout. “Names should be on the lids, if Kakashi did his job right.”

“Not exactly a job,” Kakashi points out.

“You wanna go?”

Kakashi doesn’t break eye contact, but he doesn’t _have_ to, because he can hear the Hokage’s disappointed, weary sigh without a single problem.

“You know, there’s a lot of children in this room,” Rin says. “But somehow, the two of you are the most immature.”

Kanna bares her teeth and hisses at Rin. The ears and tails pop out.

It would be intimidating if it wasn’t so cute. Rin seems to agree. She’s got her mouth covered to hide the smile, eyes wide with fear and shoulders shaking with laughter.

“What the _fuck?”_ Shisui demands.

“SWEAR JAR!” Naruto yells, directly into Kakashi’s ear.

_Ow._

“There are,” Anko says, already eating her own ramen, and watching Naruto hop down from Kakashi’s hip with aplomb, “Way too many people in this room.”

“You’re one of the extras,” Kakashi tells her. He rubs at an ear. Naruto doesn’t even seem to realize what she’s done. They’ll have a conversation or something about it later.

“Bite me,” Anko hisses at him.

He’s like. Ninety percent sure she’s flirting.

“No, I’d have to show you my face,” he says, because he did _not,_ in fact, ever grow out of his ‘little shit’ phase.

“Y’all, there is an _unconscious body,”_ Kanna says. “This is not a party.”

“You’re the one that isn’t kicking people out,” Kakashi points out.

“Fine,” Kanna says. “You and Rin and Shisui and Jiraiya have all been here for a hot second. Get out.”

Karin cranes her head to look at her sister-slash-older-self. “Can Pakkun stay?”

“Sure.”

“I’m offended,” Kakashi says, but he makes for the door anyway. She’s not _wrong,_ after all, and so long as Kakashi can keep Rin in his sights or general area, he thinks he’ll be fine.

Unsurprisingly, Sasuke follows Shisui out, and the Hokage bows out as well. Ostensibly, it’s to speak with Jiraiya, but nobody’s fooled. They’re absolutely leaving the room for family, and maybe Anko. Kanna just can’t really _order the Hokage_ to leave.

Tsunade probably can, but she isn’t here yet.

“I’m going to run to the bathroom,” Rin says, and _wow_ Kakashi should not be panicking at the idea of her leaving his sight.

Especially not for a _bathroom_ trip.

He ignores that and lets her go. He definitely hopes she didn’t notice that sudden spike of anxiety.

“Oi, dumbass,” Anko calls as she exits Sakura’s room. “You’ve got some chakra sensing, right? Just keep an eye on her like that.”

“That’s stalking,” Kakashi says. “Or at least creepy.”

Anko raises an eyebrow. “That so.”

 _“Yes,_ Anko.”

She shrugs, and then… smirks. Oh no. “I could provide you with a distraction.”

“If it’s a venomous snake, the answer is no.”

“No snakes.”

“No kunai either. I need all my blood to stay in my body, where it’s supposed to be.”

Anko snorts. “I was going to suggest we go find an empty closet, Hatake.”

“I kind of figured,” he admits. “But I don’t think my brain is anywhere near in the right state for, uh, anything like that right now.”

“Mm.”

“Besides, I thought you and Tenzō had shifted from benefits to actual…”

Anko makes a face. “I have… no idea. We’re still talking it over. _You_ are an explicit exception, though.”

Kakashi considers that. There are lots of jokes he could make here. There are lots of jokes he _wants_ to make here.

There’s also an Academy student clinging to a dead teenage boy like two meters away, and Jiraiya another meter past that, and Kakashi’s not stupid.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he says instead. “For when I’m not a mess.”

“Ah, that good old shinobi therapy,” Anko says, kicking her legs up in the most unnecessarily dramatic way she can get around to crossing them _“Fuck_ am I not looking forward to explaining this shit to Ibiki.”

“I mean. You can’t.”

She elbows him in the arm. “Dick. I meant he’s going to get all _concerned_ and ask me why I’m with the S-rank shrinks again. And he’s going to be all _understanding_ about me not being able to talk about it, and then it’s just going to be _super awkward,_ because none of us can do emotions that aren’t scary.”

“Yeah. That’s what the therapy is for.”

“We’re seven stories up, Hatake,” she reminds him. “I _will_ use this fact against you.”

“Only if you can catch me.”

She smirks at him, and Kakashi decides that letting her catch him will _not_ be a bad thing. Not today, obviously, but maybe in a week or two. He’s got at _least_ two heated, teenage ANBU make-out sessions with Tenzō burning a hole in his memory, and he’s not opposed to a rerun on that. He doesn’t have any of that kind of history with Anko, but he’s flexible.

“I’m back,” Rin calls, and jogs over to wriggle her way under Kakashi’s arm. There isn’t really enough room on the hospital bench for a third person, but nobody’s going to call them out on it.

He can _feel_ Anko’s gaze on them. It’s heavy. He’s not sure he likes it.

“Hey. Chibi.”

Rin leans around Kakashi to glare. “Don’t call me that.”

“Fine, Rin-chan, whatever,” Anko dismisses. She pokes her chopsticks at Rin, which is _hella_ rude, and says, “You need some help getting new threads?”

“I mean, I’ve been dead for ten years. I’m pretty sure I don’t own anything other than whatever I was regenerated with, which is _literally_ the clothes on my back. Are you… offering to take me shopping once I have spending money, or just hand-me downs?”

“We’re going shopping,” Anko clarifies. “Mostly because I don’t trust Kakashi there to give you anything resembling accurate advice on how fashion for us ladies has changed in the past decade.”

Rin hesitates. “I don’t… really think that fashion is, um… I mean, I like wearing cute things, but I’m sure there’s more important stuff to focus on.”

“Kid,” Anko says, leaning in across Kakashi’s lap to get closer to Rin’s face. “You’re alive. So live a little.”

Rin blinks. It’s owlish.

Anko sits back up with a smirk. “Besides, Kakashi will _absolutely_ spot you.”

“I can’t just _ask_ him to cover for unnecessary—”

“Because I’ll insist,” Kakashi interrupts. He looks down at her, eyebrows furrowed. “Rin, I have _plenty_ of savings. Don’t worry about it.”

She pouts up at him, and something in him suggests he either pat her head or pinch her cheeks. Possibly a noogie.

These are not productive thoughts.

“Listen, I—”

“You are _family,”_ Kakashi says, trying to go for the same kind of stern he’s seen Kanna use with Naruto. “Technically legally, and also because I said so. So I’m going to treat you like it.”

“But—”

“Ah! Nope! I’m your older brother now.” Kakashi pulls her into his side and goes for that noogie. “Too late!”

She squeals and tries to squirm out. “Anko-chan! Help!”

Anko does not help, the glorious woman that she is. She just laughs at them.

\--

The kids get shuffled off after Kanna’s stated hour is up. Anko decides stick around the hospital, and lets Shin herd his siblings home instead. Kakashi catches his eye on the way out, and nods a quiet promise to send word when Sakura wakes up. The only real delay is that Karin drags Juugo over to introduce himself to Rin, and refuses to leave until they say ‘hello.’

Kakashi raises an eyebrow at her.

She stares back, entirely unfazed.

“Oi, Hatake, are you letting the ten-year-old bully you again?”

“No.”

“Liar.”

“She’s eleven.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, are you letting the _eleven-year-old_ bully you again?”

“I dunno. Maybe. If I feel like it.”

Juugo looks like he’s embarrassed to be associated with any of them.

Rin looks between them. “What do you mean _again?”_

The tiny, evil redhead smiles.

Kakashi looks pleadingly at Juugo, who is an absolute _darling._ He picks Karin up, swings her around to cling to his back like a spider monkey, and just… walks off. Oh, he gives a polite farewell, of course, but Karin’s annoyed whining doesn’t even give him pause. Juugo’s _great._

“Should we go back in, do you think?” Anko asks.

“Don’t know,” Kakashi says. “How far out do you think Tsunade and Shizune are?”

Anko shrugs, and pushes herself to her feet. “I’ll go ask Kanna.”

“Should you really—”

“Yeah,” Anko says, waving a hand to brush him off. “Besides, I gotta yell at her to go to the bathroom or something. I’m pretty sure Shin’s gonna come back with clothes and stuff, but the ramen was like an hour ago. She had _three bowls._ A vixen’s gotta pee at some point, right?”

Wow, Kakashi isn’t even going to _touch_ that one.

“She’s… changed,” Rin says quietly. “But not much, I think.”

“She grew up. Went through some shit. Grew up a bit more.” Kakashi shrugs. “Happened to all of us.”

“Yeah,” Rin sighs. “It’s going to be pretty weird.”

Yep. There’s not much he can do to fix that.

“Are you… _sure_ you want me staying with you?” Rin asks, voice so low that Kakashi barely hears her.

He doesn’t entirely _believe_ he heard her.

“What?”

“I mean,” she says, and looks up at him with wet eyes. Her hands are clutching at the front of her shirt, and she looks away with a shudder. “I-I made you ki- _kill_ me.”

Ice seeps through his core.

He checks to see who’s close enough to listen in, but Shisui and Sasuke have drifted farther down the hall since he last saw, and Jiraiya is scribbling away in a notebook. The Hokage has long-since disappeared, doing an impromptu hospital inspection to while away the time until Tsunade appears. Kakashi expects he’s planning defenses against whatever Tsunade decides to yell about. It’s a solid plot, but probably not as solid as a larger budget during the first financial quarter would have been.

“Okay,” Kakashi says, looking down at Rin again. “What the _hell?”_

Rin twitches. “Just… promise me you aren’t doing this because you feel obligated.”

Kakashi gapes at her.

She fidgets.

He takes her hands in his. “Look at me. No, no, just— _look at me,_ Rin, please.”

She does.

“You’re family. You and Obito and Minato-sensei and Kushina-nee, you were _what I had_ after my father died. I was a dumbass who didn’t see it before it started falling apart on me, but me telling you to live with me isn’t any different from Sasuke and Shisui. Okay? If you _want_ to live somewhere else, I’m absolutely fine with it, because I _did in fact kill you,”_ he stresses. “But if you’re okay with living with me, then I want you there. It’s going to be weird, and we’re both probably going to have nightmares from the depths of hell for a while, but if you’re good with me being a weird older brother instead of a slightly younger teammate, I am _more_ than happy to take that role.”

He pauses. “Also, I’ve been ANBU for a decade and do actually have an inheritance. _Don’t_ worry about the money, seriously.”

She sniffles, which is honestly panic-inducing, and then throws herself into a hug, burying her face into his chest and crying.

There is so, so much crying going on today.

What the fuck.

Anko exits the hospital room, looks at them, and then gestures. “I left for _five minutes.”_

“I feel like we need electrolytes,” Kakashi says, with a calm he doesn’t feel. “This can’t be good for our salt levels or whatever.”

“I’m not buying you food,” Anko says immediately.

“I’ll pay you back,” Kakashi wheedles.

“Like you do Tenzō?” Anko challenges.

Kakashi actually hides the money around Tenzō’s apartment for him to find as a surprise whenever Tenzō treats him to lunch, but that’s a whole _thing_ that he doesn’t feel like explaining.

“Yes,” he says instead, entirely straight-faced.

Anko rolls her eyes. “Hey jackasses, I’m doing a snack run to the vending machines. Anyone want in?”

By the time Anko comes back, including a handful of electrolyte-heavy drinks she chucks at the undead teens and their limpets, Rin is no longer crying. This is a good thing. Kakashi thinks he’s gotten a lot better at dealing with crying people in the past few years, but it’s still not a comfortable situation to be in.

“Did you have to throw it at my head?” he asks.

Anko rolls her eyes. “Obviously.”

Kakashi cracks open the drink instead of responding, because he is _totally_ capable of being a mature adult.

It takes a few more minutes of quiet waiting before there’s a bit of a scuffle from the hospital room, and then Kurama exits, with Kanna flung over his shoulder like a ragdoll.

He jabs a finger over his shoulder. “One a’ you go look after sleeping beauty.”

Kakashi blinks slowly, and tries to get a look at Kanna’s face.

She glares at him, glasses askew.

“Are you bullying her into self-care?” he asks.

“Yes,” Kurama says. “Because she’s a moron.”

“She’s got an entire wing of the R&D department.”

“Yeah? So? Did we already forget the ‘weird, hairless babies’ conversation? I think the entire _species_ is idiots.”

Kakashi eye-smiles at him. “Does that make Jiraiya and Hokage-sama toddlers?”

“I mean, basically.” Kurama keeps going down the hall. “Seriously, though, someone be on guard in there. It’s the only way I got her to agree to _leave the room.”_

“I’m _right here,”_ Kanna snaps.

“Yeah, I know, I’m the one _carrying_ you.”

Anko rolls to her feet and strolls into the room. Kakashi follows, Rin at his heels. There’s even a low huff and rustling fabric that heralds Jiraiya following them.

Shisui and Sasuke stay in the hallway, ostensibly for privacy. Kakashi anticipates they’ll be joining the rest of the group in the hospital room soon enough. With Kakashi and Jiraiya gone, there’s going to be a few more ‘coincidental’ passes by curious doctors and nurses, and neither Uchiha is going to be all that happy about it.

He’s right, of course. He’s always right.

\--

Senju Tsunade bursts into the room with a wave of irritation to herald her. The Hokage follows behind, almost indulgent in his fondness, and Kakashi waves hello to Shizune and Tenzō. His precious little kohai looks more than a little overwhelmed.

“I thought you said you had it handled,” Tsunade snaps by way of greeting.

“Yeah, well, we didn’t account for a dead boyfriend to take command,” Kanna snarls back.

Tsunade strides right up to Sakura and puts a hand on her forehead, already glowing green. “Give me a rundown.”

“Not with the kid in the room,” Kanna says, eyes darting over to where Sasuke is clinging to Shisui, as he has been for the last… what, two hours? Three? Kakashi isn’t sure.

“I’m not leaving Shisui-nii,” Sasuke insists.

Kanna looks ready to argue, because Shisui is their best source of info on the Sharingan if it comes up, but closes her mouth. She takes a deep breath. “Okay. Fine. We’ll call you back in if we need you. Stay close.”

They leave, and the second the door clicks, Kanna is slamming a privacy seal on the wall. “Okay. Basic rundown: reverse-summoned the team and the targets to a pre-warded location. Edo Tensei went off as intended. Began negotiations. Sakura had a migraine going in, and partway through conversation with the targets, Rinnegan activated without intention and performed a full resurrection on our Edo Tensei constructs. We heard the voice of the Sasuke from our timeline when she spoke and resurrected them. Best guess is that he left a chakra imprint in his eyes for some reason, and it only activated then because… Itachi was there, probably.”

She bites her lip, and then says, “Everything seemed fine for a minute or two, and then the Shinigami showed up, Sakura started screaming, and then there was a seizure. I forced a bite because she was fading, extreme chakra drain and something twisting with what was left. Emergency reverse-summons by Jiraiya, brought her here, used the Hashirama cells to stabilize her. Unconscious since then, minimal flickers in chakra signature. No genjutsu, not a full coma. Possibly conversing with the chakra imprint, but I can’t be clear on that.”

“Complicating factors?” Tsunade asks.

“The warding scheme we used had both Sharingan-dampening elements and space-time barriers,” Kanna says. “Which, if the Sasuke chakra imprint only woke upon seeing Itachi, he wouldn’t have known to be careful of, so they might have had an impact on what would have otherwise just been a normal chakra-draining technique instead of…”

She trails off and looks at Sakura.

“Too many factors,” Tsunade grumbles. She finishes whatever she was doing to Sakura’s head, and then purses her lips. “Okay, I’ve got somewhere to start. We’ll work on the ocular nerve first, then the brain stem, then the amygdala. Her chakra pathways are fried, but I don’t want to drag any more people into this, so no Hyūga. Sensei, what are the chances of getting a Yamanaka to do a mind walk if the physiological doesn’t turn anything up?”

“Inoichi has already agreed to do it if necessary,” the Hokage assures.

“Right,” Tsunade says. She nods sharply. “Everybody out.”

Kakashi stiffens. Just a bit. Might even be a smidgen.

“Kanna stays. Everyone else? Out. Shizune, I don’t need an extra pair of hands yet. Run a full physical on the dead kids.”

“Hai, Tsunade-sama.”

“What are the chances you’ll need a Sharingan?” Jiraiya asks, just as Tenzō’s hand lands on the door handle. Kakashi tenses.

“High enough that I don’t want you going more than a room away,” Tsunade says. “Hatake, you’re on point if it comes to that. We can readjust plans once Shizune’s done checking him over.”

“Are you sure?” Kakashi asks, and she looks at him with something that might be disdain. “I mean, mine is—”

“It’s literally either you or the dead kid,” Tsunade says. “Yes. I’m sure. Now leave.”

He leaves.

\--

Sakura doesn't wake up that before visiting hours end, and they get shooed home before they have any kind of confirmation. Kakashi turns to head for his apartment, hyperaware of Rin next to him, and stops. He looks down at the hand that’s on his shoulder, and then follows it to Shisui’s face. Shisui flushes.

Sasuke’s on his hip, knackered from the excitement of the day and lightly snoozing. It’s kind of adorable.

“Yeah?” Kakashi prompts.

“Any chance I could stay with you and Nohara-san tonight?” Shisui asks, with a tight smile. “Because _apparently_ my little cousin here has been staying in the literal ghost town that is the Uchiha District. For some reason.”

Kakashi had nothing to do with that decision. He was probably off hunting Itachi at the time. He thinks whoever _did_ make the decision was full of shit.

“I have a couch,” he says, “But you’ll have to let me ditch for a bit to grab enough toothbrushes and some pajamas. You’ll fit into mine, but Rin and Sasuke would be swimming in them.”

Shisui nods. “Yeah, definitely.”

Kakashi’s apartment is… not very far from the hospital, which is itself not very far from the ANBU headquarters. It’s given him a bit of leeway to wheedle his way into an early release for some of his previous stays. It usually doesn’t work for, say, infected stab wounds, but he can get out for chakra exhaustion if he points out that he’s halfway better and hey, his apartment is just a few blocks away!

Granted, he usually has to confirm that someone will stay with him when he tries to pull that, but ‘spends a week with Gai’ is infinitely better than ‘spends a week at the hospital.’

“This is very dusty, taichou.”

Kakashi gives Shisui a dead-eyed glare. “I’ve spent the past week at the Uzumaki house dealing with the revelation that Obito is alive. Cut me some slack.”

“I’m just sa—oof!”

Kakashi turns in the middle of his ‘check the cupboards to see if there’s even any human food’ process to see that Rin has driven an elbow into Shisui’s ribs. Given how much taller he is, this is something of an accomplishment.

She smiles innocently at him.

Kakashi points to the couch. “Everybody sit.”

“But tai—”

“Sit.”

Shisui sits.

How old even _was_ he when he died? Sixteen? Seventeen?

Kakashi doesn’t remember.

“Anyone want tea?” he asks, instead of dwelling on the truly appalling amount of trauma in this room.

Two affirmatives, and one tired snuffle. Sasuke’s still asleep. It’s probably for the best.

Kakashi gets them set up, arms basically every trap and seal on the house, and does the quickest supplies run he can. The cashier doesn’t even blink at him, just drones out the total and takes his money. Kakashi almost asks if the man is okay, but… well. He’s a late shift cashier at a conbini. The answer is usually ‘no.’

Kakashi’s apartment isn’t on fire when he gets back. This is a good thing.

He distributes the sleeping yukata, which are made of a thin cotton that is more for modesty than actual warmth, and other such goodies. Everything for tonight is temporary. Real shopping can happen tomorrow.

“I have an air mattress, a couch, and a spare futon,” Kakashi says. “Who wants what?”

“How big is the mattress?” Shisui asks.

“Bit bigger than a twin?” Kakashi estimates.

Shisui nods slowly, and then looks down at a rather drowsy Sasuke. The kid is eating a dinner of plain rice and seaweed, which isn’t _optimal,_ but is easier to force down while half asleep. Shisui seems to consider something, and then says, “Sasuke, are you going to be okay if I take the couch and put the air mattress right up against it for you?”

Sasuke tenses. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“In case you wanted more privacy?” Shisui tries. “Or if you’re going to freak out like taichou did when Rin went to the bathroom, and would rather share the air mattress or something.”

Kakashi can’t say he likes being used as an example, but it’s probably better to remind Sasuke that even grown adults are dealing poorly with the return of dead loved ones smacking into their PTSD.

Sasuke hesitates, and then nods. “That works for me.”

He’s trying to be professional. It’s cute. Probably one of the many signs that he needs more therapy, but cute.

“Go brush your teeth,” Kakashi sighs. “I think the Academy will be fine if you miss tomorrow, given the circumstances, so don’t worry about getting up on time. Rin, you’re okay with the futon? Or do you want the bed while I take the futon?”

“Futon’s good,” Rin says.

Kakashi gets everyone settled in and down, which mostly just amounts to answering questions about where things like blankets are, because Rin and Shisui are war-blooded shinobi and are absolutely capable of taking care of themselves. Sasuke’s also been living alone for two years, and has Shisui besides. Kakashi doesn’t need to hover.

He hovers anyway, but that’s because he’s had basically every single one of his traumas ground into his face in the last week.

“Rin?” He asks. “What are you doing?”

She pauses in his doorway and just looks at him. “…setting up the futon?”

“In my room?” Kakashi asks. “Um, I mean, what Kanna said about ages and how sharing space is weirder now and—”

“I’m sleeping on the futon and I’m going to do it on the floor of your room,” Rin says. “That’s final.”

Kakashi feels like he’s… technically supposed to object, probably. He doesn’t want to. If he can hear Rin’s breathing through the night, it’s going to be a balm on his anxiety. “Okay, then.”

He can make it through this.

They can all make it through this.

\--

Sakura wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plates. They're spinning.


	22. Old Stories, New Clothes, and Awkward Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen, coming back to life two to ten years after you died leaves you in a weird place. Sometimes that place is the laundry aisle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: discussions of canon traumas, some disparaging references to Sasuke's mental state during Shippuden, and a scene with mild sexual content.  
> The sexual content is not explicit, and would be acceptable in an R-rated movie or TV-MA. If you wish to skip it, it begins with "Tenzō’s kissing him" and fades to black with the scene ending, so you can just skip down to "As it turns out"

Pretty much everyone involved in the big mission is on medical leave, except Jiraiya. Sakura and the dead kids are going to be on medical leave the _longest_ , but nobody’s really escaping it. Doctor’s orders.

Possibly Hokage’s orders?

Kakashi’s not sure, but there are _rumors_ floating around, and Kurama _had_ mentioned that Tsunade was the Godaime.

Sakura looks… fine. Tired, but alive. She’s sitting up, even, and waves when Kakashi shows up with his motley crew.

“Hello, Kakashi-kun, Sasuke-kun,” Sakura greets with a soft smile that somehow actually does reach her eyes. “Rin, Shisui, I’m sure none of us intended to meet the way we have, but I’m glad to get to know you all the same.”

She’s still smiling, and she seems _genuine_ about it. Not a drop of irritation. All warmth. The woman’s either an amazing actor or a total saint. Not that Kakashi’s entirely sure what a saint _is,_ but he’s definitely heard the phrase from Lightning folk. Far as he can tell, it’s, like… a sage who martyrs themselves for the good of the world? But specifically in that weird monotheistic religion that’s common in Lightning and Earth.

Wait. A sage who martyrs themselves. So… if Minato-sensei had been part of that religion… which he _wasn’t,_ obviously, but like. The schema is there?

Kakashi’s still not even sure what a saint is.

Sasuke shuffles over to Sakura’s bed and thrusts out a small bouquet of flowers that they’d gotten that morning. Kakashi had taken them to the Yamanaka flower shop, and Sasuke had asked little Ino-chan to make a bouquet that said ‘thank you’ as strongly as possible. Ino had looked at Shisui, at how Sasuke clung to his cousin, and then nodded sharply and proceeded to put in 110% to make the best bouquet possible.

“Thank you for bringing Shisui back,” Sasuke mutters, cheeks red and looking anywhere but Sakura’s face. “I know it was an accident, and nobody’s giving me details but they’re saying it’s impossible to recreate, but… you almost died because Shisui came back, so, um, thanks.”

Sakura smiles, indulgent and soft, and takes the bouquet. “They’re lovely. And I’m glad I could give you part of your family back. I’m sure Shisui’s happy to be there for you, too, and—oh, honey, don’t cry. C’mere, let me hug you.”

Sasuke lets himself get pulled into an awkward hug, half in Sakura’s lap with the whole ‘stuck in a hospital bed’ situation. Sakura pats his back and coos assurances that she’s _fine_ and it’s just chakra exhaustion now, because Tsunade is a gem of a woman and Kanna is amazing and Shizune is a talented healer in her own right, so everything is going to be alright and nobody needs to cry.

She’s such a _mom,_ really, for all that none of her kids are really young enough to be children instead of siblings.

Also… this is a younger version of the dead boyfriend. Which must make things weird.

“Any idea what caused it?” Kakashi asks, taking a seat next to Sakura and passing over his much smaller bouquet, as well as a small box of anmitsu.

“Thanks,” she says, with fond eyes in her—older Sasuke’s—eyes. “And, well, I’m sure Kanna explained the theories the other night. I had a lovely, extended conversation with the party at fault.”

“Dead ex?” Kakashi prompts, and Sakura laughs.

“Oh, well, he wasn’t an ex when he died,” she muses. Sasuke finally pulls away, rubbing at his eyes, and Sakura wipes a smudge off of his cheek. She smirks at Kakashi. “But he did apologize for almost killing me this time, so that’s nice.”

Kakashi tries to process that. Rin asks first.

“Did he _not_ apologize for other almost-murders?” She seems rather horrified.

“Not in the _slightest,”_ Sakura says. “I mean, a few times, but there was a period where he was _completely nuts_ and didn’t really know how to be a functional human being and just kind of… ran around trying to kill people. Including half a dozen heads of state.”

“Seventeen was a bad age for all of us,” Kanna says, which is not at all comforting.

“Wasn’t this the same dead boyfriend that, like…” Kakashi gestures vaguely at his own chest.

“Yeah, he stabbed me when I was being held hostage by an evil old guy,” Kanna says. “But it’s whatever, he was basically killing everyone that wasn’t him at the time.”

Sasuke is literally the only person in the room that doesn’t know that the crazy dead boyfriend is an older him.

Kakashi is sure that he’s not the only one that finds this awkward.

“Well, at least he apologized _this_ time,” he finally says. “And it was an actual accident instead of deliberate?”

“It _was,”_ Sakura enthuses. “I mean, the chakra imprint is gone, so now I’m _really_ never going to see him again, but it was nice to get to say goodbye.”

Hm. That sounds like a whole lot of Not Kakashi’s Business.

Sasuke makes a face. “Why did you date him if he tried to kill you?”

Oh wow, kid. No.

“Eh, he calmed down eventually,” Sakura dismisses. “Besides! Ninjas. A little death is par for the course.”

“Please do not listen to Sakura,” Kakashi immediately says. “Your loved ones trying to kill you should _not_ be brushed off unless they’re being _literally_ mind-controlled or something like that.”

“And you really, _really_ shouldn’t expect people to forgive you easily if _you_ try to kill _them,”_ Kanna says.

Sakura shrugs and smiles. “Yeah, probably. I should warn you that I’m on a whole bunch of painkillers right now, so I’m not the best judge of anything.”

Oh, everything suddenly makes _so_ much more sense. Sakura’s not a saint, whatever that is, she’s just high.

“I thought you said it was mostly just chakra exhaustion,” Rin frets.

“Mostly,” Sakura agrees, nodding sagely. “But, you know, there’s some… neurological stuff.”

Rin stifles a shriek. It comes out as more of a squeak.

“I’m fine! I’m fine. Shishou took care of the damage and all, it’s just, like, normal pain now. More like pathway strain than anything. I’ll be fine!”

Kanna puts a hand to her forehead, staring at the wall across the room, and says, “Babe. Please stop worrying the kids.”

“I’m not a kid,” Rin immediately says.

Kanna looks at her. “Fine. Sakura, stop worrying the legally underage folks.”

“I’ll try my best!” Sakura promises. She cracks open the anmitsu dango, humming happily to herself.

Kakashi has a lot of questions. He can’t ask most of them until Sasuke’s gone, and Sakura’s no longer high as a kite. Kakashi’s knowledge of neurological damage mostly relates to raiton chakra misuse, and none of it is making him feel better. Kanna doesn’t seem worried, which is probably the best indication of this not being a serious issue.

“Go on, get outta here,” Kanna sighs. “We can’t really… plan anything. Go shopping or something.”

“But—”

“Out.”

\--

Kakashi takes point, because Rin seems convinced that she shouldn’t be using up his money, and Shisui is entirely occupied with keeping Sasuke from attacking anyone that looks at them for more than half a second.

“Clothing first,” Kakashi says, ushering everyone into a shinobi supply store. “Basics for now, you can drag Anko around for fashion later.”

Shisui eyes him. “You don’t wear anything other than your Jounin blues, do you?”

“I wear my ANBU uniform,” Kakashi says. “But yes, I’m rather short on style advice. Get a few changes of basic whatevers and you can do a full wardrobe later.”

“And how are we paying for this?” Shisui asks, gesturing to herself and Sasuke.

Kakashi holds up a card. “I had Pakkun lift this from Sasuke’s house while we were at the hospital.”

Sasuke gapes at him.

“You need better home security,” Kakashi tells him, passing the card to Shisui. “Seriously, imagine what could have happened if the person invading your house _wasn’t_ a dog you know and love.”

Sasuke’s face burns, and he… clings to Shisui’s leg to glare at Kakashi a little harder.

Kakashi looks at Shisui, who just shrugs helplessly. Nobody knows what direction Sasuke’s trauma is going to unfurl with this whole situation. Kakashi’s fairly certain that ‘acting younger than they are’ is a common response to some things? It wasn’t _his_ response, but Kakashi’s always been a weird kid, even before the whole thing with his dad. At least Sasuke’s clinginess is pretty expected.

Kakashi gestures at the various racks again, all ‘have at it’ and ‘seriously, just get some clothes that don’t look like they came out of a grave and/or my closet,’ and the kids disperse.

“Hatake-san?” the clerk calls over, and Kakashi looks at him. “Er… was that Uchiha Shisui?”

“Aa.”

“…should I ask?”

“Mission gone weird,” Kakashi says, and the clerk leaves it at that.

It’s a pattern that repeats over the rest of the day. Kakashi drags the group to a store that covers some essentials, lets them loose, and then fields questions from the employees and other shoppers in as quick a shutdown as he can manage. Most of them take his answer as the ‘classified, so stop poking, yes it’s really them and that’s all you need to know’ that it’s meant to be. The few that don’t are decidedly civilian, and that’s where Kakashi gets to pull ‘you could ask the Hokage if you’d like.’ It’s not exactly subtle, but there’s nothing about the situation that _is._

“Rin?”

Ah, shit.

“Hi, Kurenai-chan,” Rin says, eyes doing a quick up-and-down of Kurenai’s figure before fixing themselves on a point somewhere to the left.

They’re in the _laundry_ aisle.

Kurenai stares, detergent still in one hand instead of in her basket, and then turns to Kakashi.

“Wh-what?”

“Mission gone weird,” Kakashi repeats for the nth time that day. “Uh, her and Uchiha Shisui. It’s really them. Confirmed by T&I and everything.”

Kurenai’s fingers loosen, and she drops her detergent.

Kakashi winces.

“I… okay,” Kurenai says. “Right. Nohara Rin and Uchiha Shisui are back to life, for classified reasons, but the whole ‘no longer dead’ bit is public?”

Kakashi gestures vaguely. “I mean, we’re at a convenience store buying laundry supplies. That’s pretty public.”

Kurenai steels herself, closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath. It comes out with a whoosh. “Okay. Is there going to be a ‘glad you’re not dead’ party?”

Kakashi blinks. “Uh. Should there be?”

“Yes.”

Kakashi looks down at Rin.

Rin looks up at Kakashi.

They both tilt their heads to hear Shisui arguing with Sasuke about the validity of fondant as its own food group, which… Shisui, _why._

“Sure,” Kakashi says. “We’ll do it tomorrow night, maybe?”

Rin shakes her head. “Sakura won’t be out of the hospital for three days, at least.”

“Ah,” Kakashi says. “Uh… Saturday night, then?”

Kurenai nods slowly. “Right. I’ll… spread the word?”

“Let’s figure out who we’re inviting and where, first,” Kakashi says immediately. “And, well, how much we’re allowed to actually _say_ about… things.”

“Fair,” Kurenai says. “Er… who knows, already?”

“Hokage-sama, Jiraiya, Tsunade, all the Uzumaki, Inoichi, Shikaku, Anko, Tenzō, and whoever saw us walking around today,” Kakashi says.

Kurenai’s face twitches. “Anko knows already?”

“She was there,” Kakashi explains. “And, well, we didn’t want news spreading before…”

“Before I was ready,” Rin says. “Same goes for Shisui, and he’s got to worry about, you know…”

A heavily traumatized almost-ten-year-old.

Kurenai sighs. “Right. Well, send word once you have plans.”

She hesitates, looking down at Rin, and says, “You know, a lot of people were really fond of you. I’m glad you’re okay, if only because of whatever happened on this mission gone weird, and…”

She runs a hand down her face. “I don’t even know how to say this without being weird about it.”

“You want a hug?” Rin guesses, and then giggles when Kurenai makes a face and nods. Rin spreads her arms. “I am _absolutely_ okay with hugs.”

Kurenai has to go down to one knee for that hug, because Rin is _so fucking small,_ but she whispers something that has Rin giggling, which is… worrying? Maybe?

“I’ll try my best,” Rin promises as seriously as she can. “Bye, Kurenai-chan!”

“Bye,” Kurenai says, and they… part ways as best they can, in the laundry aisle.

\--

Kakashi has therapy. Rin has therapy. They do not, for various reasons, have therapy at the same time.

Rin is also raring to go with rejoining the hospital despite her medical leave, and Inoichi is rather strongly suggesting that they spent some time apart to prevent the kind of codependent paranoia this situation can lead to.

_“I know it’s rare for people to come back from the dead, but presumed-KIA shinobi escape captivity and return home to their loved ones on a regular basis. Trust me. You need to spend some time apart.”_

So they do that. Rin spends time with Shisui, because he Gets It, and with Shin and Hana, because they’re more or less her age—which is _goddamn weird,_ but whatever—and starts following Shizune around the hospital for advice and information on updates to the system, and a variety of other things that _should_ probably wait until medical leave is over.

Kakashi talks to Gai, which goes fine, and talks to Genma, which goes okay, and then just gives in and goes to Anko’s place.

He finds Tenzō there, because… well, because he was hoping to, mostly, and picked a time he figured would work for that.

“We’ve got cheap lo mein,” Anko offers, and Kakashi takes the offer for what it is, slipping into the room with jittering breath and a too-fast heart.

“Thanks,” he mutters, when Tenzō passes him a box. He eats a few bites before Anko starts talking.

“We invited Kanna to a stitch-and-bitch night,” she says, and Kakashi raises an eyebrow. His mouth is full. He can’t actually respond.

“Well, Anko and I have been getting together to talk shit about Orochimaru and cope for years, and usually it’s sex or booze,” Tenzō explains, “but obviously, neither of those are on the table here. That said, we do sometimes just fix up our gear and uniforms and complain while we work, so…”

“We’re inviting Kanna to join the ‘talk shit about the Snake Sannin’ club,” Anko says. “We know the truth now, and she deserves to be in on it.”

“Is she… interested?” Kakashi asks.

Anko shrugs. “She said she’d think about it and asked if we were sure about it, since she’d actually worked for him while _knowing_ he was a piece of shit, instead of being there under false pretenses or forced, but we told her it’d be fine.”

“Test run,” Tenzō says. “Yukimi’s come by a few times, so it’s not the first time we’ve invited someone else.”

It takes Kakashi maybe a bit longer than it should to place the not-legally-but-still-kind-of adopted sister that Tenzō had picked up a few years back.[1]

“I wasn’t aware she’d come by Konoha again,” he admits.

Tenzō waves it off. “It’s not often, and I think you were off on a mission while I was on leave. Though, if you want to talk to her…?”

Kakashi shrugs. “Let her know I said hi? I can write a letter or something, but I don’t really know what I’d say. We can all go out for drinks or something if we’re in town at the same time?”

Tenzō smiles and shakes his head. “Sure, senpai.”

Kakashi relaxes and lets the conversation go in other directions, from the state of the Academy curriculum—substandard, in all their opinions—to plans for upcoming birthdays—Anko’s insisting on a trip to Yugakure, and Tenzō’s probably going to take her—and so on.

It’s nice. It would be great, even, except Kakashi’s mind wanders easily, and he gets to thinking about Rin, about Shisui, about Obito, about the whole _time-travel_ thing, and he just… panics.

Quietly, obviously. It would be very hard to notice, if not for the fact that his friends are Very Dangerous People.

Tenzō takes his hand and squeezes. “Hey, senpai? You still there?”

“Kind of,” Kakashi says. “I’m not dissociating, but I _am_ spiraling.”

“Need a better distraction?” Anko asks, and she nods in a way that makes it _very_ clear what she means.

Kakashi’s been thinking about it since he arrived.

Tenzō shoots Anko a look. “No _pressuring,_ Anko.”

“Not pressuring,” Kakashi manages. “I mean, if you’re okay with it? She said you’re a package deal and both interested, but if you’re not actually okay with it, I can definitely go, like, challenge Gai to climbing the Hokage mountain one-handed or—mmph.”

Ah.

Tenzō’s kissing him.

Kakashi closes his eyes and relaxes into it. This is good. This is fine.

“Nice,” Anko chuckles. “Hey, take the faceguard off. He’s so pretty and you can barely see half of it.”

She’s right, obviously. Kakashi reaches up and tugs Tenzō’s faceguard off, lets Tenzō pull Kakashi’s headband off, and _oof_ gets pushed backwards onto the couch. Tenzō doesn’t even break the kiss, just settles his weight onto Kakashi and slips a hand under Kakashi’s shirt to rake blunt nails down his chest. Doing this with Tenzō is comfortable in ways that it isn’t with most people. Kakashi’s put his life in Tenzō’s hands often enough that there’s no _doubt_ or paranoia in sharing the night.

“You know, there’s a perfectly good bed right down the hall,” Anko says, and Kakashi pulls away from the kiss to twist his head and stare at her through one hazy eye. Tenzō kisses his way down Kakashi’s throat, which doesn’t really help Kakashi’s brain with anything approaching logical processing, but _does_ feel nice.

Anko sighs loudly, “Boys, boys, _boys._ To the bed with you. The couch isn’t big enough for all three of us.”

This is sensible. Kakashi twists just enough to shunshin across the room and hall and manages to topple himself and Tenzō into Anko’s bed. It’s queen size. Nice.

“That was entirely unnecessary, senpai,” Tenzō tells him. He’s pulling Kakashi’s shirt off, though, so he can’t be that upset.

“You like it,” Kakashi teases, and goes for Tenzō’s pants. It’s easier said than done. “Anko are you…”

She’s already taking her shirt off. “I’ve been waiting on this for _months,_ Hatake, of course I’m getting in.”

Kakashi chuckles, and then groans as Tenzō pulls at his hair. “Ah, I forgot you knew about— _ah.”_

Tenzō smirks. “I’ve got a good memory, senpai.”

Anko cackles and comes up behind Tenzō on the bed. “Hey, Hatake, have you seen Tenzō shirtless since he got top surgery?”

Tenzō flushes, smiling, and Kakashi lets his grin show with all the teeth. “I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure.”

Anko smirks. “Good. Tenzō, be a dear and tie him up, will you?”

Kakashi’s wrists are pulled against the headboard, soft wood tightening until he’s stuck, but comfortable.

Yeah.

This is a good distraction.

\--

As it turns out, Tenzō’s tendency to cover all the skin possible is as useful as Kakashi’s, because not a single one of the three of them is free of bruises and bites the next morning. Anko’s usual outfits don’t hide her evidence of the night before, but Anko also wears the mottling on her skin like a trophy. She also has _really_ good taste in tea, and Kakashi can cook better than most anyone expects, which means that breakfast makes Tenzō cry.

“You guys are good friends,” Kakashi says, eventually. “Thanks for helping me not freak out last night.”

Neither of them points out that most ‘friends’ don’t have sex as a distraction.

“No problem,” Anko says.

“Anytime, senpai,” Tenzō says, and then smiles as innocently as possible when Kakashi shoots him a look.

“So,” Kakashi says, instead of addressing Tenzō’s fairly explicit statement that Kakashi’s always going to be welcome in their bed, should he want it, “You two figured out what you are, yet?”

Anko makes a noise of frustration. “Why does _everyone_ want to know that?”

“Because ninjas gossip,” Kakashi says. “And in my case, because I literally just slept with you, and if I run into anyone with a good nose, they’re going to ask questions, and I’m going to have to come up with a defense for why I’m sleeping with taken people.”

Anko rolls her eyes. “We both consented, isn’t that enough?”

“It’s enough for _me,”_ Kakashi says. “But also, I care about my _darling kohai_ and want to make sure you’re not going to break his delicate heart.”

Tenzō groans and drops his head onto his arms. “Senpai, I’m not a teenager.”

“Barely.”

_“Senpai.”_

“We’re dating,” Anko says. “Maybe. I don’t know, it’s a bit beyond friends with benefits, and it’s not really open beyond a list of pre-approved exceptions and threesomes. We’re not seeing anyone else without consulting each other, isn’t that enough?”

“Sounds like dating to me,” Kakashi says.

“But we don’t do _dates,”_ Anko protests. “Like, we just hang out, bitch about our respective traumas, maybe watch a movie…”

“Movies are dates,” Kakashi points out.

Anko throws a pillow at him from the couch. “Shut up.”

“If people ask, just tell them we seduced you,” Tenzō says. “Together. Don’t give them more than that.”

“Keep it vague,” Anko agrees. “Our business ain’t nobody else’s business.”

“I mean, it’s a little bit Kakashi’s business,” Tenzō says. “On account of how he _did,_ in fact, sleep with us.”

“Did a bit more than sleeping,” Kakashi says, and smiles as brightly as he can when Tenzō gives him a look that is best described as Tired Of Your Shit, Senpai.

Anko rolls her eyes. “Oi, get dressed and all that. I’m taking your little ward—”

“I don’t know if she’s really—”

 _“—out shopping,_ goddamn Hatake, do you really want to argue this? She is _legally_ your ward until the paperwork goes through. That is the _least loaded_ word I could use, come on.”

“You could just call her my teammate.”

Anko shares a disgusted look with Tenzō. Kakashi is gratified to see that Tenzō is somewhat less annoyed by Kakashi’s shit than Anko is.

“Go shower,” Anko orders. “You smell like sex.”

“That’s not a bad—”

_“Hatake!”_

\--

The welcome-back-from-the-dead party goes off more or less without a hitch. Kakashi’s almost proud of it, except it wasn’t even mostly his job. There’s a significant amount of crying, mostly from Gai but also a fair bit from _Raidō_ of all people, and Kakashi finds out that Rin had apparently been one of the people to talk him through his own ‘figuring out I don’t like girls’ process way back when they were all teenagers. There’s a lot Kakashi doesn’t know about his friends, both then and now, but he can at least say he’s trying these days. He’s taken aside by no less than four different people to ask how he’s handling it, and he just keeps telling them that he’s doing therapy about it, and doing his best to not be clingy.

It passes, though. People go home, more or less all sober since both of the guests of honor are technically under the age of twenty, still, and the Uzumaki kids and Sasuke are all in attendance. Sasuke sticks around for a sleepover with the kiddos, and Kakashi joins the Uzumaki adults and the dead teens club with cleanup.

They end up where they often do, lounging across the living room with tea.

Kanna slams a privacy seal into the wall, cuddles into her wife’s side, and yawns. “Holy _fuck_ , these things are tiring.”

“That’s what you get for owning a house instead of getting an apartment,” Kakashi says. He’s on the loveseat with Shisui and Rin, and it wouldn’t normally be enough room, but Rin’s basically glued to his side at the moment. She’s drowsy, too, because for all that she was a teenager in the middle of a war, she’s still a _teenager,_ and that means her body is still growing and she’s going to get tired more easily than the adults.

“I have _five kids,”_ Kanna snaps.

Kakashi smiles at her.

“Now, now, you’re both pretty,” Sakura says, patting Kanna’s head with that self-same indulgence. _“Beautiful,_ even. No need to fight.”

Gah. Adorable. Cloyingly sweet, even.

“When did you get married?” Rin asks. “Before or after the, um, reset?”

“Before,” Sakura says. “But not by much. It was… we wanted to do it with all our loved ones in attendance. We’d have waited longer, but when you’re at the end of the world and about to lose everything…”

She frowns into her tea, and then shakes her head. She looks up and offers a smile. “We couldn’t bring much back in time with us, since our bodies had to be cleared of any seals that could interfere with the time-travel, so anything we brought back had to fit into our packs. No abusing storage scrolls, you know? We’ve got a few photo albums and the like hidden away. The things that meant most.”

It’s kind of a depressing answer, so Kakashi offers his own commentary. “It sounds a lot like pre-war marriages. Shinobi that were about to get sent out to the frontlines would get a courthouse wedding, sometimes just to have the paperwork to argue a will, or just to know they’d made something official and real before it was too late.”

Kanna shrugs. She lifts her hand, fingers laced with Sakura’s, and wiggles it as if to say ‘see what I’ve got here?’ It’s cute. “Whatever you want to call it, it was worth it.”

Sakura flushes and turns to press a kiss to Kanna’s head. “I love you, too.”

“Ugh, emotions.”

Sakura giggles and puts her cheek to Kanna’s head. “You loooooove me.”

_“Ugh.”_

Kakashi doesn’t even try to hide his smile. “You two are adorable.”

“I know,” Sakura says, smug as the cat that got the cream. “I have the most gorgeous wife on the planet, _and_ she’s a badass.”

Kanna pouts.

“You should’ve seen them when they first met,” Kurama says, and everyone latches on.

“Oh?” Shisui prompts.

Kurama grins, deliberately ignoring the protesting kunoichi. “Yeah, it was _right_ after the big important stabbing. Sakura saved Kanna’s life, except Kanna was still kinda screwy in the head—”

“Oh _fuck_ you.”

“—and in love with the guy that stabbed her, a bit, but also like…” Kurama seesaws a hand in the air. “Vaguely aware that he was a piece of shit? So she was bouncing back and forth between loving and hating him while in jail.”

“It was an _act,”_ Kanna protests. “So I could _break out.”_

Kurama ignores her. “Meanwhile, Sakura’s out on the frontlines, no thought in her head for the girl whose life she saved from the guy they were both _inexplicably_ in love with, when Kanna shows up _with the idiot in question_ on a _fucking Susanoo—”_

Shisui whistles. “Impressive.”

“Annoying, more like. Anyway, there’s a whole lot of yelling, I don’t remember the exact order things happened in and, honestly? Nobody did, shit was wild and Madara showed up to get his ass kicked by Maito Gai because the revived Hashirama was dealing with a different problem—”

“What,” Kakashi says.

Because _what._

“—and Sakura just up and broke Sasuke’s jaw,” Kurama finishes.

Shisui chokes on his tea.

“Oh no,” Rin whispers.

“In my defense,” Sakura says, blushing something fierce, “He was being a moron, and we were both seventeen, and it was an _incredibly_ stressful situation.”

“Oh, he _absolutely_ deserved it,” Kurama dismisses. “He didn’t deserve you healing it five seconds later, but he absolutely deserved the broken jaw.”

Shisui puts a hand over his eyes. “I’m not hearing this.”

“Sorry, Shisui,” Kanna says. “Your baby cousin was the _worst_ for a while.”

“Am—am I supposed to stop that?” Shisui asks. “Is that why you brought me back from the dead? So I could stop Sasuke from going bugnuts? Because, like, I was aware he went _kinda_ nuts but I didn’t know he was stabbing his teammates for shits and giggles.”

“He was stabbing to get to Danzō,” Kanna clarifies.

“Fucking _Danzō,”_ Sakura groans. “I am _so_ glad we got rid of him early.”

“You were the one complaining about upping the timeline.”

“Oh,” Sakura coos, pinching Kanna’s cheek and getting her hand slapped for her troubles. “I’ll never doubt you again, hun.”

Kakashi snorts.

“Wait, no, really,” Shisui presses. “I held off on asking because I _cannot_ get Sasuke to leave me alone half the time, so there hasn’t been a chance, but why _did_ you bring me back? Rin’s obvious, but why me?”

“Honestly? You were the only person we could think of that Itachi would _listen_ to,” Sakura admits. “We were hoping you could at least convince him that his plan of traumatizing Sasuke into becoming stronger was a bad idea, and that we could adjust from there depending on who got how far with Obito. Optimally, I’d have been able to use my own Mangekyo to draw both of you into a Tsukuyomi conversation without Obito interfering, and get some semblance of a plan going. We had ideas, just not enough info on where Akatsuki’s at with their own stuff. We even had a nullification array to combat the anti-Sharingan properties of the wards on me, but… obviously, we didn’t turn that on in time since our favorite dumbass got involved.”

“So… you were using me to get to Itachi,” Shisui summarizes. “Because he loves and trusts me and my judgement.”

“I mean, again, the first and foremost goal was to convince him that traumatizing his little brother into being stronger is a terrible idea,” Sakura says. “I’d love for Itachi to have the option to _come home,_ because he’s been through way more shit than he deserves, and is still a teenager fighting a war that should be fought by adults, but for as long as he’s in Akatsuki, I want him to fuck over Zetsu, because…”

She trails off and just gestures emphatically.

It’s a decent summary of the giant steaming pile of nonsense that is Kaguya’s will.

“Sasuke _did_ eventually get better,” Kanna tries to reassure Shisui. “Still a master of absolutely _terrible_ decisions, always, but better. We wouldn’t have ended up dating him if he hadn’t wised up.”

“How did _you_ two get together, though?” Rin asks. “You mentioned breaking Sasuke’s jaw, but…”

“Eh, it took a few months,” Kanna admits. “But I saw her do that and caught the yelling and realized that he’d put the two of us through pretty similar shit, and we got to talking. Just spiraled out from there.”

“She found me crying one night,” Sakura says, and brings their hands up to press a kiss to Kanna’s knuckles. Her eyes are unbelievably warm. “Asked what was wrong and helped me through it. She told me my chakra was too kind to ever feel that sad.”

“You make me sound like such a _sap.”_

“You _are_ a sap.”

“Am not.”

Sakura purses her lips, eyes dancing with mirth. She leans over Kanna, an affectionate, looming hug. “You said that nobody who saves as many lives as I do should have to feel bad about not doing enough. You held my hands and told me that you thought you’d never felt any chakra as comforting as mine when I was healing, and you volunteered to play radar with our camp specifically because it meant you got to sense me fixing people up, and it made you feel like there was hope in the world, because the medic camp was filled with people who only wanted to help, people who were _desperate_ to help, and you’d spent years surrounded by Otogakure’s indifference.”

Kanna’s face is _burning._ She stuffs it down into a pillow and wails, “Shut _uuuuuuuup.”_

Sakura giggles. “You just kept complimenting me and looking so _upset_ that I was sad, though! It was really cute!”

“Did you kiss?” Rin asks.

With a grin, Sakura says, “I asked her if I could kiss her, and she looked _so confused,_ it was the sweetest thing. She got all bright red, like she is now, and wouldn’t look me in the eye. Just kinda stuttered and finally said ‘well, if you’re, like, _sure_ that you want to or whatever’ and just had this _total_ tsundere moment.”

“I’m not a tsundere,” Kanna protests. “I’m just an asshole!”

Sakura pats her head, “Sure, babe.”

“So you kissed,” Rin says, with a sharp little nod.

“We did,” Sakura confirms, and presses her lips to Kanna’s cheek. “And we’ve been together since.”

“What the shit,” Shisui says. “That’s _adorable,_ oh my god? That’s so sweet? What the hell, that’s like something out of a romance novel.”

Sakura giggles. “It _was._ I’m glad I can share that story now, even if Kanna-chan only even noticed me at first because I broke Sasuke’s jaw.”

“Jealousy knows no bounds,” Kanna sighs. “Also, I first noticed you because you _saved my life_ after he _stabbed me._ Additionally, that story is embarrassing.”

“It’s cute,” Sakura corrects.

Kanna rolls her eyes. “Ugh.”

“Did you ever consider, uh, dating? Or going poly again, I guess?” Rin asks.

Sakura makes a face. “Kind of, but it’s a little hard to make genuine connections when you’re hiding this many secrets. Most of the shinobi our age are people we knew before as the teacher generation, and in a lot of cases we know more of _their_ secrets than anyone would be comfortable with, so it’s just… it’s awkward. Like, I helped deliver Kurenai’s _baby_ in our timeline. My friends were her students. One of Gai’s students had a crush on me. One of Asuma’s students was my childhood best friend. Anko, Genma, Ibiki, Hayate? They were our Chuunin Exams proctors. Tenzō went by _Yamato_ when I met him. Like? It’s. It’s a lot.”

Kakashi can’t really _ignore_ the super, super obvious omission. In his defense, he’s been trying _very_ hard to not draw the conclusion for a week now. Like, it’s been right in front of his face, but he’s been ignoring it! Because it’s going to be awkward!

He knows this, and yet.

“Sakura?” He asks.

“Hm?”

“Was my older self your Jounin sensei?” He asks, as carefully and evenly as he can.

Sakura freezes.

She grimaces.

“Ah. Yeah. You were.”

Kakashi nods.

He keeps his face blank.

“So. When Jiraiya mentioned that Kanna had joked about you being ‘hot for teacher,’ and you protested that it wasn’t about Tsunade, but about a male teacher twice your age….”

Sakura flinches.

“That was… that was about me, wasn’t it?”

“Mm-hm.”

Kakashi looks down at his tea. He considers it for a moment.

“I, uh. I need some fresh air.”

He goes for a walk.

* * *

[1] I legit only found out about Yukimi the day before writing this, but??? I love the concept of her???? So.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sakura didn't punch Sasuke in canon but she deserved to.


	23. Speak of the Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making its first and maybe last appearance: The Memorial Stone.
> 
> Also, I multiship like hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: canon-typical discussion of war traumas, implied (canon?) stalking

Kakashi’s feet take him to the memorial stone.

He realizes what he’s doing about halfway there, and then just doesn’t… stop. He considers it, thinks about people he could ask for advice, but… he can’t. Gai would be optimal, but he doesn’t have the clearance. Neither does Kurenai. Tenzō and Anko were both a bit tipsy when they left the party, and Kakashi’s not sure he’d be welcome tonight. Tomorrow, maybe, but not tonight. The rest of the list is similar, either people too close to the issue, people too far from the truth, or people he’s just not in a place to bother at this hour.

So… memorial stone.

It’s a chill night, and humid. It’s not actually cold, but there’s a slight breeze that ruffles his hair as he approaches the rock, eye turning unerringly to the names he’s long since memorized the locations of.

He wonders if they’re going to fill in Rin, and Obito. If it’s going to be a Doton to press in stone like it was never there, or clay that dries in and bakes in the flames of a Katon. Maybe the names will be chiseled off, to be added again once they’re truly dead again, or maybe just left as-is, since nobody lives forever.

Shisui’s name isn’t there. It never was. For all that he died for the village, it was a secret death, known as a senseless suicide, or murder at Itachi’s hands. Those don’t end up on the stone.

(Sakumo was the same.)

“Hello, Minato-sensei,” Kakashi finally says. “Kushina-nee. I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a mess.”

The stone doesn’t answer. It never does. It never will.

He wonders if they’re watching over him, or if they spend every moment of their afterlives watching Naruto.

Kakashi talks quietly enough that nobody will hear him over the wind, none but the dead. The mask muffles him, and nobody will read his lips. It’s a solid way to vent publicly without sharing secrets, unless there’s a Hyūga around.

“I seem to have fallen for someone that’s digging up a whole lot of inner conflict,” Kakashi says. It’s probably the best way to put it, right? Maybe. He’ll have to ask Inoichi, when the next session happens. “Well, two someones, but only one of them is really… I was her Jounin sensei. In a future that hasn’t happened. She’s a few months older than me, but she grew up seeing me as an authority figure. I didn’t meet her until she already had kids. She was born the same year as your son. She’s basically adopted him. It’s…”

He tries to gather his thoughts. “I respect her. She’s a good friend. If her secrets were unrelated to me, or covered less time, I’d… probably have an easier time of it. But she’s known me for a decade longer than I’ve known her, and that… scares me. I think.”

He wonders what Minato would say, if he were here.

He can’t even start to guess.

The situation isn’t exactly normal.

(It starts raining, just a light drizzle. He ignores it.)

(He vaguely remembers the forecast implying there’d be rain, but he wasn’t exactly in sound mind when he left the Uzumaki house.)

“It’s not just that she knows me,” Kakashi tries to explain. Maybe if he explains it to the stone, he can explain it to himself. “It’s that I don’t know how much of the older me she sees in… well, me? I can differentiate Kanna and Karin, because I’ve had two years of seeing them as sisters, and I’ve never had more than a passing connection in mind with Haruno, because as far as I knew, the only connection was a possible relation implied by the hair but never confirmed, but they’ve both been seeing me as… a younger version of someone they already knew. And I don’t know what future me did or said, or what I dynamic I had—would have had?—with her, and I know I don’t want to replicate that dynamic, because I was her _teacher,_ and…”

He trails off, eye fixed at a point above and beyond.

There’s an umbrella coming up the path to the memorial stone.

He watches, hands in his pockets and already damp with the rain, and something in him loosens when he recognizes the figure in the long skirt.

“Kakashi-san?”

He raises a hand. “Yo.”

Shizune blinks at him, and then takes long strides over to make sure he can benefit from the umbrella. “What are you doing out here at this time of night? I thought there was a party on?”

“There was,” he says. “It ended. We were just… hanging out, I guess.”

“And?”

Kakashi shrugs. He grimaces, though there’s no way she can see. “I found out about Sakura’s Jounin sensei.”

“Ah,” Shizune says. “I, uh, I know. Who it was, I mean. I can see why it might have been uncomfortable.”

“Yeah,” Kakashi says. “Um, I figured the dead wouldn’t share, or at least, they’d already _know,_ so on the off-chance someone plays the same trick twice…”

She nods. “I get it. I’m… well, I can’t say I do the same thing often, but I’ve been trying since we came back last week.”

Kakashi doesn’t know what else to say, so he nods back.

They stand in silence for a few minutes, surrounded by the rustling of leaves and the sharp noise of water on taut plastic above them. It’s soothing, in its own way, a little wall of sound and nylon to keep them safe from the world.

“Who?” Kakashi asks, eventually.

Shizune doesn’t look at him. “My uncle Dan. I have friends that died in the Third War, same as any of us, but… my uncle was closest to me, and with Tsunade’s stories, his memory is closest to my heart.”

Kakashi knocks his shoulder into hers.

She lets the words linger for a bit, and then asks, “What about you? Given… recent developments, I mean.”

His eyes dart to those same names. “Well, it used to be Obito, but that’s not…”

“Yeah.”

“And Rin’s back, but I still come to talk to Minato and Kushina,” Kakashi says. “They practically raised me, after my father’s death. I didn’t really acknowledge it, but I was a bit of a bastard back then.”

Shizune giggles. “I remember. Not well, but bits and pieces.”

He offers her a wan smile.

The rain-spatter silence comes back. It’s comfortable.

The questions sit under his tongue like bubbles of air, thick and oddly shaped. He does not know how to ask them. He’s not even sure if he wants to.

“I wonder, sometimes,” Shizune says, and it’s a sudden thing, “If people blame me at all, for not bringing Tsunade-sama home. If they blame me for not being _enough_ to convince her. I don’t think my uncle would have blamed me, but Konoha…”

“From what I hear, you kept her alive,” Kakashi says. “I’d think that’s more than anyone could have, _should_ have, expected from you, with how young you were.”

“Mm,” Shizune hums the noise, low and contemplative. “I’d like to think that, but that doesn’t change everyone _else’s_ opinions. I was fourteen when we left. That’s more than old enough to have taken responsibility, in some people’s opinions.”

Right. They’d left two years before the Kyuubi attack.[1]

“Are you back for good?” He asks instead.

“I hope so,” Shizune says. “If we can convince Tsunade-sama to take the hat, even better, but…”

It’s a hard sell. Kakashi’s only a few years out from being in line for the hat himself, and if he can push that a few years further in any way, it’s a good thing. He hasn’t even managed to hold a genin team, despite his ANBU track record, and…

And…

“How do you do it?” he asks.

Shizune looks at him. “Hm?”

“Sakura. She… she knows you so much better than you know her,” he says, trying to find the words to convey what he means without saying it outright. If he talks loud enough for Shizune, he talks loud enough for eavesdroppers. “And just… you’ve known about all of that the whole time. How do you manage it?”

Shizune is silent for a moment, and then says. “Honestly? I was jealous.”

Not what he was expecting, but okay. “How so?”

She chews the thought over for a minute. “Sakura… got to learn things I couldn’t. It wasn’t that Tsunade was unwilling to teach me, or that I was unwilling to learn, but just things I _couldn’t_ learn. Her fighting style, the Byakugou seal… these things are beyond me. They always will be. I’m second only to Tsunade herself as a medic, and even with the ages evened out, I’m better than Sakura. I’m great at poisons, the one field where I actually _am_ arguably as good as Tsunade is. But… Sakura got to learn the things that made Tsunade famous. The parts that are her legacy from master to apprentice. The parts that I, as good as I am, didn’t have the chakra control to learn. Second-best medic on the continent, and I couldn’t learn, and this _stranger_ comes out of nowhere and just… has it. Learned it, in a future that hasn’t happened. She got to learn these things, and just… for a bit there, I was so jealous that I hated her.”

She doesn’t continue immediately, so Kakashi asks, “And now?”

“She’s a friend,” Shizune says. She shrugs. “A good friend, even. We traveled together for months, between them finding us and settling in Konoha. We talked, and the way she looked at me was like a sister. She brought me my favorite teas, knew how I like the papers filed, helped me wrangle Tsunade-sama when she had one of her moods. She knew me, but she never tried to… _force_ the relationship, I suppose. I imagine it’s a lot like what we would have had, but more equal, since she’s nearer my age than…”

She trails off, looking at him.

“This isn’t helping you, is it?” she asks, thought the resignation makes it obvious that she’s not even expecting a real answer. “Because you don’t want what could have been.”

Kakashi ducks his head and casts his eyes away. “No, I didn’t.”

The past tense hangs heavy between them.

“Talk to me about it?” she suggests.

He tries.

“I’ve liked them for a while now,” Kakashi says slowly. “Both of them, and enough that most of my friends have been trying to convince me to make my way into bed with them. They never showed any interest, so I figured they weren’t interested in a third again after what happened with Sa—the last one. They also joked about having sworn off of emotionally-stunted geniuses enough that I figured it was possibly their way of letting me down easy. I never bothered to make the first move, and with recent revelations…”

“Kanna’s a lot simpler, yeah,” Shizune mutters. She presses closer to him, bicep to bicep, and waits.

There’s another element, of course, but it’s not one that’s… applicable to most people.

Maybe Shizune would get it, and maybe she wouldn’t, and he’s not sure if he wants to put pressure on it by bringing it up. He tries not to think about it, tries to find another way to frame it.

Kakashi tries, he really does, but the thought weighs on him.

“Minato-sensei was like a father to me,” he finally manages. “After—after my father committed suicide, I relied on Minato a lot. More than most genin rely on their sensei, I think. It didn’t help that I’d known him since the age of five, and that I kind of just kept… losing people…”

“Mm,” Shizune acknowledges him with a low noise, just enough to show she’s listening.

Kakashi closes his eyes. “I know it’s not the normal relationship, but I saw my Jounin sensei as a father figure. I’d have been raised with Naruto as a little brother. So…”

He can’t put it into words without speaking truths that shouldn’t be said in public.

Shizune eyes him, and then says, “She had parents.”

Kakashi turns to her. “Eh?”

“She had parents, for a while longer than you did,” Shizune says. “I think they stayed alive until she was… almost twenty? You’d have to ask her, but… her teammates might’ve seen their sensei differently, but she just saw him as another mentor. I mean, did you have anywhere near that intense of a relationship with your Academy sensei?”

“…no, no, I didn’t.”

Shizune smiles encouragingly. “Yeah. It’s not quite as distant as that, but it’s not as intense as the dynamic you had with Yondaime-sama. I imagine, given what you said, your time with him wasn’t too different from the dynamic I have with Tsunade.”

She’s right.

“So her type encompassing both me and her Jounin sensei…” Kakashi says, just a smidge hesitant in how he says it, “isn’t some uncomfortable father-complex style thing that would normally have me running for the hills, it’s just… normal?”

“She wouldn’t be the first girl to date someone that reminded her of an old teacher,” Shizune says, almost laughing at him. She doesn’t, of course, politely pulling that back. “I mean, still think on it, but also… just talk to her. Ask her if it’s a thing on _her_ end. I do think she’s at least interested, even if she’s been reticent, for… obvious reasons. It’s a complicated situation, and it makes sense that you need time to process, but I think talking to her would help.”

Shizune is good at this.

He tells her as much.

“Thanks,” she says, and the humor in her voice is more than evident. “Been doing this too long, I think. Might be good to shift over into doing things a little more on the admin side…”

“Oh?”

“If Tsunade-sama becomes the Godaime, then someone has to be her assistant,” Shizune reminds him. “And… well, who _else_ would it be?”

There’s a solid point in there somewhere. Few other people would be as ready to deal with Tsunade’s mood swings, alcoholism, or stubbornness. Shizune’s been working with her for over a decade.

“Fair point,” Kakashi says. “Good luck.”

“Thank you, Rokudaime-sama.”

What.

_What._

Kakashi stares at her in horror. “No.”

Shizune smiles. “It’s surprisingly likely.”

_“No.”_

She just laughs at him.

\--

Kakashi almost makes it back to the Uzumaki house. Rin is still there, and he’s going to be walking her back to the apartment. He can talk to Sakura later, because it’s late and he’s technically supposed to be keeping a solid sleep schedule. It’s not like they don’t see each other all the time anyway.

But all that is by the wayside, because Kakashi only _mostly_ makes it back.

It’s in a little park a few blocks from the house, empty at this time of night. Kakashi’s got his hands in his pockets, enjoying the cool breeze and wondering if he should maybe lift his headband. He’s not planning on opening his Sharingan, but the light wind would be… nice. The rain is gone, even.

“Kakashi.”

He stills.

The air doesn’t. It keeps blowing about, soft as it may be, and changes direction just enough for him to confirm the smell.

Kakashi turns, hands still in his pockets, body as lax as he can make it. “Obito.”

The orange spiral mask is on.

The Akatsuki cloak isn’t.

He’s standing right in front of the jungle gym.

“Where’s Rin?”

“Safe.”

Obito tilts his head.

Kakashi waits.

Obito rocks back on his heels, leaning into the metal web of the gym. “How safe?”

“Enough,” Kakashi says. “But you already knew that.”

“Ha.”

They’re silent for a few more moments, and then, “Is she happy?”

Kakashi shrugs. “We’re doing therapy. It helps. None of this is easy to recover from.”

Obito’s head tilts the other way. “You never leave her unsupervised.”

“I’ve been told it’s a problem.”

“Are you scared for her? Of me?”

“Among other things,” Kakashi says. “Have you handled your… infestation?”

“Not yet,” Obito says. “I don’t know the right… pesticide.”

“Wouldn’t it be—”

“Shut up, Bakashi.”

He does.

“The woman with the pink hair, did she survive?”

“Aa. She won’t be doing that again, though.”

“She shouldn’t have been able to in the first place.” There’s a question and an accusation in those words.

“You’re not the only Uchiha to have passed their eyes on as a dying gift.”

“That Rinnegan shouldn’t _exist,”_ Obito hisses.

“And yet.”

Obito huffs in frustration. “You’re as annoying as ever, I see.”

Kakashi hums under his breath. “Thanks.”

“Dick,” Obito mutters. He pushes himself up and back, taking a proper seat on the jungle gym. “Well? You gonna keep standing over there?”

Kakashi blinks, more than a little surprised. “Oh?”

Kakashi can’t see past the mask, but he’s sure that Obito is rolling his eyes. “I don’t want to keep almost-shouting to be heard. Get over here, asshole.”

A moment’s hesitation, and then Kakashi ambles over. He flares his chakra, just in case Kanna hasn’t noticed Obito in the area—unlikely—and takes a seat on another bar of the jungle gym.

“This would be more comfortable on the swings,” he points out.

“I swear, Hatake, I am _this close—”_

Kakashi elbows him, and Obito cuts off with a groan.

Silence again.

Seems like there are a lot of those tonight. It’s not awkward, at least.

“I can’t hate you anymore,” Obito says, and his head drops back to rest against the metal bar. “I’ve spent ten years hating you for what you did, hating Konoha and my clan and the entire shinobi system, and now it’s just…”

“Gone?” Kakashi prompts.

“Not all of it,” Obito says. He kicks a leg out like a child. “But a lot. I don’t know which part of what you did is responsible, but… it’s definitely been fucking with my head.”

“Mm-hm,” Kakashi says. Hesitantly, he offers, “if it’s any consolation, I’ve been a wreck for the past two weeks. Finding out you were alive and, uh, not _evil,_ necessarily, but…”

“Completely out of my gourd?” Obito says drily. “And a little evil. I’ve definitely been a little evil. Still am.”

“Evil is the spice of life,” Kakashi says gamely. “But yeah. That wasn’t great for my head.”

Obito snorts. He doesn’t apologize.

“How’s the kid?” Kakashi asks, after a few moments.

“Panicking, probably,” Obito mutters. “I’ve explained things to Ki-to a _friend_ , and he’s… well, he’s _pissed,_ but mostly at the source of our problems, and a bit at me. Doesn’t blame the kid much, at least, because…”

“He’s barely sixteen?” Kakashi asks. “And was thirteen when he got pulled into this whole mess?”

Obito shrugs. “I mean, _yeah.”_

“A valid reason,” Kakashi says. “I mean, look what being thirteen did to _us.”_

Obito smacks the back of his head. “Dick.”

“Rude,” Kakashi complains.

The conversation doesn’t feel real.

It’s comfortable.

It’s terrifying.

He reaches out, telegraphing his movements, and puts his hand on Obito’s. His fingers wrap around a gloved wrist, turning it over, and he laces their fingers together. He looks at their hands for a moment, and then up at Obito.

“Why are you always so fucking _weird?”_ Obito grouses.

“Pretty sure it’s the trauma,” Kakashi offers.

“Ha ha,” Obito deadpans. He looks pointedly down at their hands, except maybe it’s not _pointed_ so much as ‘very limited field of vision due to mask,’ which… Kakashi has the same problem with ANBU sometimes. “I killed them.”

No need to ask who ‘them’ is. “Yeah. You did.”

“And yet you’re trying to _help_ me.”

Kakashi shrugs. “I’d like to say that I’m a kind and forgiving soul.”

“Cut the crap.”

“But that would be a lie, yes.” Kakashi nods. “That said, I already knew about the slave seal, and… it’s kind of hard to change ten years of habit.”

“Tch,” Obito scoffs. “Alright. I’ll take that. Now what’s this I hear about Tsunade being back?”

Kakashi stills. “Why?”

“Because Madara may have known how to infuse Hashirama cells in my body and give me prostheses, but he wasn’t the kind of man that knew his way around _brain damage,”_ Obito hisses. “And now that I’m thinking at least _somewhat_ more clearly, I’m pretty sure there’s still some things from the rockfall that hasn’t been fixed. Probably some that _can’t_ be fixed, because brains, but…”

He makes a harsh noise of frustration, not quite the snarl Kakashi’s gotten used to from Kanna and Kurama, but close. “It’s not something that keeps me from being an S-rank killer, but it’s _messing_ with me.”

Kakashi wants to ask how, but… “I can talk to someone. If you’re really switching sides and helping us, then it’s definitely something I can lay out on the table. If not Tsunade, there are… other options.”

Mostly Sakura, because she seems the most dedicated to _helping_ Obito, but there’s also Shizune.

“…thanks, Bakashi,” Obito mutters. He knocks their ankles together. “I still think you’re a jackass, though.”

“Oh, one hundred percent,” Kakashi immediately agrees. “And I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you.”

“Glad we’re on the same page.”

\--

He sends off Akino with a message and short summary of the encounter to the Administration building, and goes back to the Uzumaki house. He enters the living room to a blur of movement, and Rin collides with his midsection.

“Rin, I _told_ you they were calm, he’s _fine,”_ Kanna sighs. “Hey. I’m guessing things went well?”

Kakashi shrugs. “We’ve got… a line of communication, I guess.”

“Kamui?” Kurama prompts.

“Yeah,” Kakashi says. He looks down, hesitates, but picks up Rin under the arms and swings her over to the loveseat. She curls up against him, shuddering, and he rests an arm on her shoulder. “Um… what did you guys _think_ was happening?”

“I kept an ear out,” Kanna dismisses. “We knew you were just talking. I think this is just… panic.”

Rin isn’t crying, at least. Kakashi rubs her arm, hoping the pressure will get her to calm down.

“Had to keep her from running out there to get involved,” Sakura mutters. “Um, do you guys want to stay the night? I know Shisui’s taking the guest room, but we can find an extra futon somewhere, probably.”

“I think we’re good to go home,” Kakashi says. “Rin?”

She nods against his jumper.

He stands, and goes to the door. Sakura follows him there, and he turns just outside the entryway. “Er… can we talk? Tomorrow?”

She bites her lip, not biting her eyes. “I think they’re planning to call us in to talk about the plans tomorrow, especially given what happened a few minutes ago. And the hospital wants me to come in and do paperwork, even if I’m technically on medical leave. Day after, maybe? We can do lunch.”

It’ll give him more time to process. He’s even seeing Inoichi that morning. “Sure. Works for me. I should probably give an in-person report to Hokage-sama tomorrow.”

She smiles softly, and ducks her head. “I know it’s been a lot to take in. We’ve put a lot on your shoulders, so… thanks for being such a good sport about it all.”

Kakashi’s face twitches. “Ah, ah, I don’t think it’s really that impressive. I’ve mostly just been… oh!”

She blinks. “Is something wrong?”

“Do you have any experience with brain injuries?” he asks. “The cave-in… he said there’s probably lingering damage. He asked for Tsunade-sama, and I said I’d ask for her or someone else that was on that level.”

Rin makes a soft noise and clutches at his hand.

Hell, Inoichi _was_ right about the whole codependency thing.

“Yeah, I’ve done that kind of work before,” Sakura confirms. “I’ll talk with Shishou and Shizune to see if either of them is willing to assist, too. Brain injuries can be tricky.”

A bit of tension leaves him. Not much, because he had faith she’d agree, but some.

“Thanks,” he says. “See you soon.”

“You too, Kakashi-kun. Bye, Rin-chan.”

The door closes.

* * *

[1] So… according to the databooks, Shizune is one-two years older than Kakashi, and she became a chuunin at age thirteen. She… probably couldn’t have gotten a promotion while out of the village, so she had to leave at thirteen/fourteen, which would have been, at the earliest, a year or two before the Kyuubi attack. And that’s just… Kishimoto. Dude. _Timelines._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can see my multishipper popping out. Am I planning on KakaObi? No. Would that scene have been a great place for a bittersweet kiss if I was? Well, yeah.


	24. Wasting Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kakashi tries to fill up time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit subpar this time. I lost motivation for about two weeks there, but I think I'm getting back in the swing of things!
> 
> WARNINGS: general canon traumas, references to sex pollen in conversation

Rin was never clingy before. Kakashi doesn’t let it bother him.

 _He_ was never _late_ before. _Obito_ wasn’t _kind of evil_ before.

Rin had died, and while she’s supposedly had time in death to get past that…

Trauma is rarely so easy to deal with.

“You want to talk about it?” he asks, once they’re in the apartment.

Rin looks at the ground, flushing. “It’s not… I mean…”

He drops on the couch and pats the seat next to him. “Sit.”

She does, her back stiffly straight until Kakashi puts a hand on her shoulder, arm wrapped around her, and gently tips her over. She lets him do it, collapsing against him.

They’ve cuddled more in the last week than they every did when he was a teenager.

“Dogs?” he offers.

“No thanks,” she says, fingers digging into the fabric of her shirt, eyes fixed on a point not here. “It’s… no.”

“Okay,” Kakashi says. He pets her hair, and though she stiffens at first, it works. She relaxes minutely, in stages, and slumps further against him. Boneless.

“It’s… complicated,” she finally says. “I love Obito, we were _best friends_ before, even if I didn’t feel the same way about him as he did about me, but I know… what he’s done. What he _would_ do, and… when I heard you were with him, even though things were calm…”

She twists the hem of her shirt, breath catching. “He… he ripped your eye out mid-battle, once.”

Kakashi does _not_ flinch.

It’s a near thing, but he doesn’t.

“Well,” he tries, “It’s rather rude to take back a gift, but it _was_ his eye first?”

She glares at him.

It’s… unfortunately, it’s too cute to be intimidating. He grimaces anyway. “Sorry, I’m just… gallows humor. Coping.”

“I know,” Rin says. “But I’ve _seen_ him at his worst. Not as much as Sakura-san and Kanna-san, but enough. The big moments. And I love him, I do, but… he was in a bad place. He might still be. And a lot of his anger was aimed at you, for _years,_ and leaving you two alone…”

“You were worried he’d pull that sort of thing again,” Kakashi summarizes.

“You can’t reliably use Kamui yet,” Rin insists. “And until you can, he has the advantage, and if he decided he _wanted_ to hurt you—”

“Kanna would have noticed,” Kakashi says, and he squeezes Rin into his side. “I can hold my own long enough. They were only a few blocks away.”

“I _know_ that!” Rin protested. “I just—it got to me anyway.”

“Yeah,” Kakashi sighs. “That sort of thing always does.”

\--

The next day goes pretty much as predicted. Most of the people ‘in the know’ end up in the Hokage’s office, discussing Obito’s visit and what that might mean for their plans. Shizune, Yamato, and Anko aren’t there, but they’re the only ones really missing. Kurama asserts that the ‘friend’ looking after Itachi is probably Hoshigaki Kisame. Kakashi is the only one surprised by this.

“They’re Akatsuki partners,” Shisui tells him, voice low. “Itachi and Kisame, I mean. And I think Obito trusts him?”

“More than anyone else in Akatsuki,” Rin confirms.

Huh.

Obito’s best friend right now is Hoshigaki Kisame.

Maybe they don’t define it that way, but it sure is what he’s hearing.

Wild.

Out of the corner of his eye, he notes that Shisui is standing behind Rin and has his head resting on top of hers. His arms are even wrapped around waist, and Kakashi wonders if there’s something burgeoning there for a moment. They’re about the same age, even with adjustments for time spent dead. They’ve got similar life experiences. They’re both sweet kids.

He abruptly remembers that, as of the last time they discussed such things, Shisui had been emphatically gay, and death likely hasn’t changed that.

So. Friendship it is.

(Or Shisui’s just making fun of her for being short, but one does not preclude the other.)

By the time the meeting lets out, they haven’t actually made much progress. Still, Kakashi’s done his part and nobody’s having a breakdown. This feels like something of a miracle. It’s an admittedly low bar, but hey. They’ve passed it.

Sakura holds true to what she said and ends up going to the hospital to do paperwork. Kakashi gets pulled away by Inoichi and lets that just… happen. It’s conveniently timed. It works out well enough for everyone.

It’s the ‘after’ that Kakashi isn’t sure what to do with.

He’s technically still on medical leave. Most of his friends are busy. Going to the memorial stone would be… weird, just like this entire week. Chores and errands have been run. Training is only going to hold his attention for so long…

Well.

It’s still something.

He can figure something out while he trains.

\--

Kakashi still has more than a few hours left after he’s done training, so he cleans up and ambles through the town. Part of him says ‘there’s a future where this was all destroyed,’ and forces him to pay attention. The smell of the spices from the curry shop lay heavy in the air. The sound of merchants from the stalls in the farmer’s market assaults his ears in a familiar, almost calming way. Children, mostly civilians, trip underfoot as they play some game he doesn’t try to untangle.

It could all go away in a moment, supposedly.

“HEY!”

Kakashi lifts his head and doesn’t let himself stumble as a teenage girl slams skull-first into his ribs. He doesn’t even push away the hug for a few seconds.

“Hello, Hana-chan.” He pats her on the head until she lets go.

“Kakashi, Mom’s been telling me to drag your ass to the compound if I have to,” she informs him. “You should go visit her. She’s going to bite your face off.”

“Sounds fake.”

Hana slugs him in the shoulder. It doesn’t really hurt, but he flinches exaggeratedly anyway. There’s a proud glint in her eye, so he thinks he did okay.

“You smell angsty,” Hana informs him.

“I’m a pit of terror,” Kakashi says. “Also, ‘angsty?’ Really? I’m not fifteen.”

“Coulda fooled me.”

“I’m going to throw you in the river.”

She sticks her tongue out at him. “Boring, you’ve used that like _eight times.”_

“And how many times have I followed through?”

“Like half of them, but that’s not the point,” Hana dismisses. “You smell _angsty._ Stop it.”

“Uh-huh. And how do you suggest I do that?” Kakashi asks. Well, he drawls. He’s been doing that more, lately. It gets a lot of people looking like they want to strangle him, which is always fun.

“Come train with me and Shin,” Hana demands, grabbing his hand and walking backwards. He lets himself be dragged along. “You haven’t taught me any cool tricks in _forever.”_

“I have a life, you know,” Kakashi says as drily as he can. “And grown-up friends. And missions.”

“And you also have a pair of annoying teenagers who will bother you for hours in pursuit of cool ninjutsu,” Hana asserts. “Let’s _go,_ man.”

“You’re fifteen, don’t you have a teacher to bother for this?” Kakashi asks plaintively. “I’m _sure_ I’ve met your team.”

“I don’t know how to tell you this, bud,” Hana says, continuing to drag him towards a training field, “But my teammates have somehow managed to come under the impression that you’re ‘cool,’ so if I bring you to training, I can either ruin _your_ reputation, or bolster mine. Either way, I win.”

“That’s a terrible reason to bring me to training.”

“Well you weren’t exactly listening to the basic logic of ‘you’re a badass and I wanna learn something cool,’ so I had to go with a backup reason.”

“And where’s Shin in all this?” Kakashi asks.

“Trying to show Minami-chan how to use a sword,” Hana tells him. “It’s not going well.”

“What kind of—”

“She almost stabbed Ryūga a few hours ago,” Hana says. She shakes her head in mock-sadness. “But she didn’t, so I didn’t even get a chance to practice my medic skills.”

Kakashi rolls his eyes. She’s trying _so hard._

“You should be more worried about your teammates getting stabbed,” he says. “But sure. I’ll show you something. I have some free time anyway.”

“Great, because Shin said you’ve been moping and I believe him,” Hana says.

“Snitch.”

Hana grins brightly at him. “Sakura said that snitches get dango.”

Kakashi struggles to not roll his eyes again. It takes some effort. “Does this mean you’ll be getting dango for Shin?”

“Nah, because I’m doing him a favor by kidnapping you.”

“I’m twice your age—”

“Not really.”

“—and agreed to come because I was bored, that is the _polar opposite_ of kidnapping,” Kakashi points out.

“It was a kidnapping,” Hana affirms.

Kakashi gives up.

\--

Kakashi accompanies Shin back to the Uzumaki house, and they open the door to Yelling.

Capital letters and everything. Yeah. _Romaji._ That’s how much Yelling it is.

“—COULDN’T KEEP THEIR OWN FUCKING BROTHER FROM PULLING THIS SHIT, SO DON’T TELL ME ABOUT THE ‘GREAT AND MIGHTY’ SAGE!”

“We’re home~!” Kakashi calls out in the fraction of a second of silence, and there’s a choking noise as Kurama cuts off whatever he was about to say.

Kanna pops halfway around a hallway corner, blinks, and says, “Please tell me you didn’t hear most of that.”

“Something about a brother,” Kakashi says. “And then the Sage.”

Kanna’s mouth presses into a thin line. “Right. That’s… I’m sorry you guys had to hear that.”

“Is there a problem?” Shin asks carefully.

“I… nothing you need to worry about,” Kanna says. Her voice is too tight. “Tensions are running high. Kurama and I were blowing off some steam by yelling.”

Shin doesn’t look convinced. Kakashi’s still not the best with kids, but he’s gotten enough practice now. He puts a hand on Shin’s shoulder and squeezes just enough to get the kid to look up at him. Kakashi doesn’t smile, because that won’t help here, but he does meet Shin’s stare with his eye. “It’s official work. Above your paygrade. I’m in on it, and trust me when I say the source of stress in this case is being worked on by a whole lot of people, and you _really_ don’t need to worry about it.”

Shin blinks at him, and then darts a glance at Kanna.

She looks like she’s swallowing glass.

“Hey,” Kakashi says, and squeezes Shin’s shoulders. “Different people have different ways of coping with things. Kanna and Kurama get loud and angry at each other, but that’s because they know they’ll move past it after they’re done. It’s not the healthiest outlet, but those two have a system set up.”

Probably.

They’re in each other’s _heads,_ so it’s inevitable, right?

“It’s like verbal sparring,” Kakashi says. He’s grasping for straws at this point. “It’s a way to handle stress that only works if both parties agree to it beforehand and know their limits, right?”

That works.

Thank fuck.

Shin nods slowly, looks back at Kanna and Kurama, and then says, “I’m going to go take a shower, Aneki. Sorry for not knocking. I hope your… S-rank conundrum is handled soon.”

He disappears up the stairs, and Kakashi ambles forward until he’s crossed the invisible barrier he knows is there, and Kanna’s hit the right privacy seal.

“So,” Kakashi says, dropping into an armchair. “How much did I just lie to this kid?”

“Not much,” Kanna says. She grimaces and runs a hand down her face. “You pretty much hit the nail on the head, but I _hate_ when the kids catch me blowing up like that.”

“I can imagine why,” Kakashi says mildly. “Can I ask what sparked this off and if I should _actually_ be worried?”

“Fucking _Zetsu,”_ Kurama grumbles. “What else?”

Kanna waves a hand at the bijuu. “What he said. We’ve figured out _something_ about tracking, we think, but it’s not easy, and for all that we’ve had years to work on sealing to deal with him, it’s… still not a sure thing. No way to run tests.”

Hm. That sucks.

“And you two are… good?” Kakashi hazards, motioning awkwardly at the vague space between Kanna and Kurama.

Kurama snorts. “Yeah, we’re good.”

Kanna makes an odd, half-hearted grunting noise. “We’re _something_ alright.”

“Have you ever considered _not_ being a cynical bitch?” Kurama asks, casual as anything.

“Have you ever considered _not_ being a massive piece of shit?” Kanna asks back, just as innocent.

“Have either of you ever considered therapy?” Kakashi adds brightly. “You need it.”

“I want to say ‘you’re one to talk,’ but you’ve apparently actually been _going_ to therapy,” Kurama says. “That said, so has Kanna. Point’s moot.”

 _“You_ haven’t,” Kakashi points out.

“I’m an immortal being of chakra, my mind doesn’t _work_ like yours,” Kurama near growls.

Kakashi wonders if he should press the point.

Probably not.

“Anything I can help with on the stress front?” Kakashi offers in Kanna’s direction. “Sparring partner, maybe? I may not be an S-rank, but I can hold my own if you don’t go Jinchuuriki-mode or use your chains.”

“Two limitations for me and none for you?” Kanna asks. She’s taunting him. He’s not opposed. “Didn’t know you were that scared of me, pretty boy.”

Kakashi shrugs. “I’ll hold back my Sharingan, because that’s my only way to combat anything involving a bijuu, and I have ideas about the chains but…”

“None of them are fit for a spar against a comrade in arms?” Kanna guesses.

“Well, yeah. I don’t want one of us to accidentally kill the other. Sakura would be _pissed.”_

Kanna laughs at that. “Maybe some other time. I’m actually drained from the _mess_ in the labs earlier. We had to evacuate half the floor.”

“What happened?” Kakashi asks. “If it’s not classified.”

“Some idiot released the sex pollen.”

Wh—

What.

Ah.

That.

“What?” Kakashi finally manages to squeak. It’s not a very manly noise. He’s a little embarrassed about it.

“Fuckwad in one of the other labs released the sex pollen,” Kanna says flatly. She flops onto Kurama’s shoulder and is miraculously not dislodged. “It hit the _vents_ and infected three rooms before someone realized it was spreading, because some _jackass_ forgot to reactivate the filtration seals after the last cleaning.”

“You have _sex pollen?”_ Kakashi asks, not a little bewildered.

“I mean, not _me,”_ Kanna dismisses. “That’s Miyako’s division, so her people are the ones that got hit, but it means she’s losing half her team for however long it takes to get out of their systems.”

“Is someone getting fired over this?” Kakashi asks carefully.

Kanna makes a face. “Unclear. It’s being investigated. For all we know, the pollen got out because of a faulty lid or something. We’re _definitely_ checking on the seals, though, because that’s just as likely to have been sabotage.”

Fun.

Kakashi doesn’t want to think about what R&D is doing. This is very much out of his comfort zone. Subject change imminent.

Why do they even _have_ sex pollen?

“I didn’t know you were already back at work,” Kakashi says. “I thought you were still on medical leave like the rest of us.”

Kanna shrugs. “I didn’t end up with a new dependent.”

“For once,” Kurama says, low and under his breath and still not enough to avoid Kanna hearing.

He does avoid the absentminded flinging of a chakra chain, though.

“You have _five kids_ and picked up three of them on missions,” Kurama snaps at her. “There’s a point!”

“That you didn’t have to make!”

“Eat shit!”

Kakashi coughs pointedly, and the Uzumaki settle.

(Does Kurama even count as an Uzumaki? He’s taken the name, so… maybe.)

“Anyway, since I wasn’t the one that almost died or put into a position of having to suddenly restructure my life around a new person, and have an _office_ job instead of field missions, my leave ended earlier than the rest of you,” Kanna explains. “Honestly, it’s… mostly paperwork.”

“Good for recovery,” Kakashi agrees. “I’m surprised they’re not tagging me back in yet.”

Kanna gives him a look that is probably best described as ‘pitying.’

“Hatake,” Kurama sighs, shaking his head, “You stupid motherfucker.”

“Rude.”

“Your leave is _threefold_ and you know it,” Kanna says. “New dependent, psychological instability, and your job doesn’t keep you in the village, which is relevant since we _absolutely_ need you at the drop of a hat for Moon’s Eye bullshit.”

“Okay but, hear me out… that can’t last forever,” Kakashi says. “What if it’s _months_ before we can make a move?”

“Reverse summoning,” Kanna says. She points at herself, “I’m good at this, remember?”

He does.

“And maybe this time it won’t lead to blood in the cupboards!” Kurama enthuses. Sarcasm suits him, and Kakashi resents. He resents _so much._

Kanna rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Kiri’s still a fucking mess, but I felt Tobi pop over this morning so with any luck, he’s thinking about ending the genjutsu at the center of said mess.”

“You can sense that far?” Kakashi asks. “I mean, the genjutsu part. I believe you on the part about sensing him visit.”

Kanna blinks at him, and then points at Kurama. It’s a little awkward from their current position, but most things are. “Bijuu-based status checks.”

Convenient.

Kurama reaches up and pulls Kanna’s head down to his lap. He pulls her glasses off, digs his fingers into her hair, and runs his nails against her scalp like they really _are_ cousins who’ve managed to build up something of a relationship. Kakashi wonders how long that element’s been around. Maybe it’s new, but there’s also a solid chance he just… missed it.

It’s cute, though. He smiles behind the mask.

“And the kid?” Kurama asks, so low that Kakashi isn’t sure he was meant to hear.

Kanna closes her eyes, hands coming up in a loose sign at her chest, and tenses for a moment. Kurama brushes her hair back as she does her thing, and smirks when she relaxes.

“Happy, in his own way.”

“What kid?” Kakashi asks.

Kanna opens her eyes to look at him, squinting a little. Myopic as hell, that one. “I didn’t tell you about Suigetsu?”

The name is vaguely familiar. “Probably not since you opened up about the time-space situation.”

“Mm.” She considers it for a moment, closing her eyes again. “I was on a team, as a teenager, with three dudes. Sasuke, Juugo, and Hozuki Suigetsu. We did the whole ‘travel the continent, almost die for each other thing’ for a while. I can keep an eye on Sasuke and Juugo here, but Suigetsu is… he doesn’t know me, and as long as his brother is alive, he’s happier in Kiri. If things go well with your personal megalomaniac, then I don’t have to worry about Mangetsu getting murdered, and Suigetsu doesn’t need my help.”

He processes for a moment.

“A Hozuki,” he says, slow and careful. “That was the one you punched _through_ the head when he pissed you off, right?”

“Right.”

Huh.

“Do you miss him?” Kakashi asks.

Kanna opens her mouth to answer. Closes it. Furrows her brow in a frown. “As much as I miss anyone else from then, I guess. I wouldn’t get anything out of a friendship with this version, though, and he doesn’t need me. He’s not the same person, so it doesn’t really matter.”

Fair.

Kakashi catches a flash of orange out the window, and cranes his head to see. Naruto’s holding a big bag of birdseed, and Juugo is carefully opening the chicken coop to let Naruto in without letting any chickens out. It’s not a particularly harrowing process, but Naruto’s expression shows that the kid is taking this chore _very_ seriously. Knowing the kids as he does, Kakashi’s pretty sure that it’s less about the chickens or doing a good job, and more about the fact that the first time Juugo smiled at Naruto, it had been so soft and small that Naruto had run off to cry about it.

Kakashi still wasn’t sure what that was about, but Naruto’s dedication to making sure Juugo’s pets were all as well cared for as possible was endearing as hell.

“Juugo’s teaching ‘em about how to brush out the rabbits, too,” Kurama offers. “Naruto ends up petting them for hours, sometimes. It’s… damn, what’s the term?”

“Sensory stimulation for the ADHD,” Kanna says. “Kid gets halfway to meditating sometimes.”

Kakashi watches them out the window, watches as Juugo talks to one of the chickens and carefully deposits the hen into Naruto’s arms, watches the kids talk to each other with fond smiles and pinched-brow concentration, watches and marvels at the fact that, because of the utter miracle Sakura and Kanna pulled off, Naruto gets a family.

\--

Kakashi takes the rest of the day to check in on the kids. He’s entrenched in their lives now, and he’s been so focused on Rin and Obito and that entire _mess_ these last few weeks that he’s a little out of the loop. He doesn’t stalk them, but that’s mostly because he doesn’t need to. They just tell him things.

Naruto’s still hanging out with Kiba as often as not, and the friendship with Shikamaru and Chōji has only grown stronger. They have a tendency to merge with Karin and Sai’s little group when Shikamaru is there, because Sai is friends with Ino, and the ShikaInoCho kids are raised as close as cousins, and it’s not like Shikamaru shies away from playing board games with whoever asks. Given that Sai, Karin, and Shino are all liable to sit down and play a round of whatever comes to mind, this means that Shikamaru gets bounced back and forth between the two groups.

He doesn’t seem to mind, so long as they don’t make him actually _move_ between groups.

Kakashi only barely pays attention to Whatever The Fuck is going on between Karin and Ino; he’s still not sure he wants to know, but the vibe he gets is ‘stalemate,’ so he lets it go. Karin’s attention is more embroiled in talking seals with TenTen, or harassing Neji.

(The Hyūga are vaguely on Kakashi’s periphery, always, but with Neji he actually gets an idea of what’s going on in real time. Not the details, necessarily, but emotions are easier to read on an Academy student then on his fellow Jounin or ANBU members.)

Juugo spends time with the Oto brats, some of which are finally coming around on the whole ‘therapy to understand that Orochimaru’s cult was actually high-key abuse’ front, and he apparently gets along well with Rin, which makes Kakashi’s heart twist in ways he doesn’t entirely want to process. Shin’s got Hana and his team and Torune and Fuu, and it’s… it’s good.

A bunch of broken kids, raised by some less-broken kunoichi and a bijuu and sometimes Kakashi himself… and it’s good.

It’s just _good._

He doesn’t want to lose this balance.

\--

The next day, he has to take a deep breath before he knocks on the door.

It opens.

“Hey,” Sakura says, with a smile that looks so kind he almost misses how nervous she smells. “We’ve got the house to ourselves for a few hours. No eavesdroppers.”

“Aa,” he says. “Let’s… yeah. Let’s talk.”

This shouldn’t be this terrifying.

(It is. Sage help him, it is.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's hope the next one is a little less forced, eh? This chapter is Slow.


	25. Those Hard Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just take the damn tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: discussion of the ethical ramifications of time-traveling romances, references to past unhealthy coping mechanisms, being attacked inside the home

There’s tea.

There’s always tea.

They sit apart from each other. He’s in an armchair. She’s on the couch. They drink in silence for a bit. The tea is hot and bitter, and it settles him a little.

His mask is down. It’s symbolic, maybe.

“Where do you want to start?” Sakura asks, at length.

He has no idea.

“How about the beginning?” he suggests.

She gives him another smile, weak as anything, like she knows exactly what he’s thinking. “Well, you’ve seen the mini-me. She—well, _I._ I ended up on a team with Sasuke and Naruto. You were the sensei. You can imagine how they would have ended up without support systems.”

He can.

He nods.

“I wasn’t much,” she admits. “Chakra control and book smarts, but that’s not really enough, with those two. You didn’t have an easy time of it, because those two fought incessantly, and I only made things worse.”

He feels his brow furrow, which isn’t optimal—the second he relaxes his forehead, his eyebrow is going to be rubbing weirdly against the fabric of his headband on the Sharingan side—but it prompts her to elaborate.

“Mini-me has something of a massive crush on Sasuke,” Sakura explains. “So… taking sides was a thing. Very, very much a thing.”

Yeah, okay. He can understand that.

“So, we did the whole… ‘fight together, attempt sacrifices for each other, bicker but still work as a team’ thing. I fell behind a bit, but that wasn’t really anyone’s fault; our Chuunin exams were a mess and you had to focus entirely on Sasuke since he was fighting Gaara, and _that_ Gaara was…”

She looks down at her hands. He doesn’t say anything, and she finally says, “Unwell. He was unwell. Homicidal and… well, you met him before Kanna fixed the seal.”

He did. He remembers.

“So, Sasuke had to go up against Gaara in our Chuunin exam finals, which, along with _everything else_ in those exams, meant you had to focus on him for that entire month. You passed Naruto off to Jiraiya, and I… trained alone.”

Oh, _ouch._

“Hey, none of that,” she scolds. “There was _every_ chance of him dying if you didn’t focus on him alone that month. Yeah, it sucked for me, and you could have put in a bit more effort to find me a tutor or whatever, but the core argument was still ‘this one student will not die if I put off her training for a month,’ which is annoying but, like, valid. And _then_ , Konoha was dealing with the aftereffects of an invasion, so you weren’t even in the village half the time since they needed all Jounin on deck, so to speak, and _then_ you were in a coma.”

Comas are generally a good excuse for not doing the job properly.

“And then I got apprenticed to Tsunade,” Sakura finishes. “So overall, there’s _spots_ where your future self could have done better, but as a general rule, the you that I knew did the best he could, given the ridiculous circumstances.”

“I wasn’t your teacher for very long, then,” Kakashi surmises.

Sakura shrugs. “Depends on what you mean by _my_ teacher. Not officially, no; that was less than a year. Unofficially… kind of? I still came to you for advice and all that, but you had high-level missions while I was still apprenticed, and then it was the Fourth War.”

It’s… better than it could have been. Not _as_ uncomfortable.

He still needs to untangle what he’s been feeling.

“You never confessed or anything, right?” Kakashi asks. “I mean—”

 _“Sage,_ no,” Sakura says, sounding just a little horrified. “Twice my age at first, and it faded by the time I was, you know, an actual adult, and in a relationship and all that. Besides, I… honestly, you’re a very private person with students. I thought you preferred men for years, because, um… anyway. That was also a factor. Never did figure out your relationship with Gai, either…”

That’s fair. Kakashi _also_ isn’t entirely sure what his relationship with Gai is. He’s heard the term ‘queerplatonic’ a few times, and it might be closest.

Sakura looks down at the mug in her hands, lip pinched between her teeth. Kakashi doesn’t press.

“Anko…” she trails off, and then sighs. “This Anko, in this time, I mean. She mentioned, a few times, that you had some degree of interest in Kanna and I, but were worried about being a homewrecker. She stopped hinting at it a month or two back, and I never really asked why. Kanna had, um… well, she can sense emotions through chakra. Even passively, without activating the technique, she can sense certain things if you’re in the same room as her…”

Hm! Awkward. Probably not polite to bring it up, on Kanna’s part.

“I was,” Kakashi says, and then scrambles to clarify. “Attracted to you, I mean.”

He hesitates, but he can’t just _not_ say it, “But I’ve been trying not to think about it since the whole reveal situation, and even before that… you hadn’t shown any interest in dating again at all. I assumed it was a matter of grief, given what happened to… to _your_ Sasuke.”

Her lips press together, and her gaze is fuzzy and distant.

“That was part of it,” she says quietly. “It’s not something you just get over.”

“I know,” Kakashi says, because for all that he hasn’t lost a _romantic_ partner, he’s lost enough. He knows. He gives her time to gather her thoughts.

“But beyond that, I can’t… I can’t, in good faith, enter a romantic relationship with someone _without_ telling them about the time-travel,” Sakura says. She grimaces. “There are exceptions, obviously, but as far as our situation is concerned, it would be unethical beyond the shinobi usual to not come clean about it, which…”

“Coming clean isn’t a great plan when that information needs to be carefully controlled at risk of ending the world,” Kakashi finishes for her. “At least you’re already married?”

She giggles at that, and Kakashi feels something loosen in his chest. She smiles at him. “Yes, there’s that. I’d certainly be having a much harder time of it without Kanna.”

He tries to offer her a smile, since she’s been so free with giving out her own. He’s not very practiced at it, but she gets the gist, he thinks. She leans forward and puts a hand on his knee. “Nothing needs to change, you know. We’re still friends. If you want to never bring up, um, attraction or whatever again, that’s fine. We can put it behind us. If you want to just… take some time to process and revisit later, that’s fine too. It’s not like we’re the last people on earth.”

Kakashi presses his lips together. He shouldn’t say it.

Sakura rolls her eyes. “Oh, come on, even _we_ didn’t get that far. Bottlenecked pretty severely, sure, but not ‘you can count the remaining humans on one hand’ bad.”

He shrugs. “You can’t blame me for the connection.”

She kicks him. It’s not an easy kick, because the table is in the way, and neither of them wants to damage it or, kami forbid, _get up,_ but she slides down in her seat and twists to lightly smack her instep against his calf. “I most certainly _can.”_

“Maa, that doesn’t mean you _should,”_ Kakashi retorts.

“You’re an annoyance,” she informs him. “I believe I shall throw you into the river.”

“You can try,” Kakashi says with a shrug, and then advises, “I’m hard to catch.”

Sakura smiles at him. Her eyes flash to the wrong colors for a moment. “Not for me.”

“I’m still faster.”

“Rinnegan allows for gravity manipulation.”

“How in the _fuck_ is that fair?”

She laughs in his face.

Rude.

_Rude._

Sakura smiles into her tea, and while her mouth is hidden, Kakashi can see that her cheeks are rounded, and her eyes shine with mirth.

He glares at her. This potent attack achieves nothing. She smiles even _more_ brightly. She’s _taunting_ him. It is absolutely not fair.

(It’s not enough to keep his mind away from the problem at hand forever.)

“Do you see him?” Kakashi asks abruptly.

She blinks. “Eh?”

“You…” Kakashi trails off, grimacing and cringing and all those ugly little motions that show discomfort. It’s fine. He’s among allies. Showing emotion around allies is supposed to be a good thing, right? Right. “When you look at me, do you see him? The other me, the older me, that you knew first?”

“Really know how to kill a mood, don’t you?” Sakura asks. She doesn’t meet his eyes, looking away and focusing on something in the kitchen. “You… it’s complicated. I wish I had a simple answer, like ‘oh, no, I see you as a younger brother to the version I knew’ or something. I don’t.

“I know things about you, things about your past and your personality and your habits that are the same, from then to now. The shape of the relationship dynamic is different, but you’re not an inherently different _person._ Naruto is still Naruto, and with him, I’ve gone from a teammate on equal footing to basically a parent. Karin and Kanna may function as two separate people, but there’s still a part of them that is fundamentally the same, and if I interacted with my younger self, I’d see echoes of myself.

“But just because part of us is the same person… I mean, I’m not going to send mini-me out drinking with Anko. She can’t run my shifts at the hospital. Despite that, she’s best friends with Ino, and so was I, for two decades. She likes anmitsu and strawberries. She’s still self-conscious about her forehead sometimes, and a bookworm to the extreme. She’s still me, but _not.”_

Kakashi looks down at the lukewarm tea.

“It’s always going to be that complicated,” he says, and it’s not a question, not really.

“Only if we let it be?” Sakura offers, but it’s hesitant. For all that it’s a sentence, her voice tilts up and her tone is as unsure as he feels.

“It’s going to take time,” Kakashi says. “I knew that going in, that whatever I end up feeling about all this, it’s going to take time to untangle. I can’t just… expect everything to fall into place in my head.”

“I’m sorry about that.” She sounds too soft.

“For _what?”_ Kakashi asks. He knows where she’s coming from, but… “You brought back one— _two_ of my friends from the dead. You put me in a position where I might be able to regain a friend that spent the past decade hating me. You’ve destroyed Root in a way that’s given another friend a chance to stop looking for Danzō over his shoulder. I joke about not having friends pretty often, but almost all the ones I do have are better off because of you. I… yes, my head’s still not on straight about it all, but objectively, you have nothing to apologize for.”

He pauses, feels himself make a face, and grudgingly adds, “Also, it’s _odd_ to hear you be apologetic that way. You sounded _meek,_ and I’ve seen you punch craters the size of houses in a _warmup spar.”_

She smiles at him.

(Again.)

“I can punch down mountains,” she says.

“I know,” Kakashi responds. “You’re terrifying.”

“I’m pretty sure Madara managed to call down flaming meteors with his Rinnegan, too.”

“Literally _why.”_

\--

“I think I’m getting apprenticed to Shizune?”

Kakashi puts his book down.

He looks at Rin.

“You… _think?”_ he asks.

She looks as confused as he does. “I… yeah. I think so? I have no idea, the whole conversation was really confusing.”

Kakashi nods slowly. “I… wasn’t aware she could _take_ an apprentice yet. I thought she was still apprenticed to Tsunade herself.”

“No, that ended a few years ago,” Rin says. “Um… apparently they want me trained by someone in that, uh, trio? But Sakura’s got kids and is so involved in the world-saving situation that she probably won’t have time. So it’s either Shizune-chan or Tsunade-sama, except there’s all that stuff about the Hokage position, and I know Tsunade trained Sakura in that alternate future, but apparently that was a whole… new coming of the Sannin thing and the circumstances were completely different, so… I don’t know. Maybe? I don’t know if Shizune’s ready to take an apprentice, she seemed pretty concerned about it all, but at minimum she’ll be my senpai, I think.”

Kakashi processes that. It’s been nearly a week since his talk with Sakura, but that’s fresh enough that he has most of her information on the dynamic with Shizune and Tsunade in mind. They hadn’t touched on it much, but with everything he’d gotten from Shizune a few days before _that,_ he’d had the context to build a picture of it all.

“That’s good,” he says. “At least you’ve definitely got an in with the hospital once you’re ready to start working. I don’t know about apprenticeship ages, but Minato-sensei was still a teenager when I became his student. That wasn’t really an apprenticeship, but…”

“True,” she allows. She comes closer, shoes already shucked off in favor of house slippers, and Kakashi leverages himself up into a sitting position so she can join him on the couch. The book goes on the coffee table. “It’s weird. I remember being the same age as her, but now she’s like a decade older than me, and I might be getting apprenticed to her. It’s just… it’s weird.”

“Ironic?” Kakashi suggests. “Apprenticing to Sakura would have been weirder, though. If you’d survived originally, you might have ended up with the original Sakura apprenticed to _you.”_

Rin slugs him in the arm. It doesn’t hurt. “Don’t tease, Kakashi.”

“But how _else_ am I supposed to show my affection?” he asks. “I could drown you in dogs? Would you prefer I drown you in dogs?”

“I’m going to eviscerate you,” she promises. “There will be mayonnaise.”

There will—

What?

“That sounds inconvenient,” Kakashi muses, keeping his tone as mild as possible. “And expensive.”

The look she shoots him could strip paint.

He gives her his most innocent eye smile.

“You’re a _jerk,”_ she huffs. “I don’t know what I ever saw in you.”

“My stunning good looks?”

“You were twelve and hid half your face. Now you hide even _more.”_

“Aa. There is that.”

He ruffles her hair and pulls her into his side, and she goes with it easily. She’s chilly, or at least her hair is, and she smells like antiseptic and stale paper and ink. When Kakashi pets her head like he does the Uzumaki kids, she relaxes against him.

He fumbles at the coffee table for a moment, and manages to grab the book he’d been paging through. It’s a cheesy romance novel he picked up a few weeks ago and is only now getting around to reading. There’s going to be smut in it later, for sure, but he’s still in the ‘hilariously inaccurate political machinations of wayward nobles’ section, which is its own brand of entertaining. It’s also something he has no compunctions about reading where Rin might look over to read with him, so it’s fine to prop open on his knee and read while she’s huddled up under his arm.

“You have really bad taste in literature,” she comments. Definitely reading along, then.

“By what metric?” he questions. “Sure, the writing is a little flowery, but I just think that makes it funny.”

“Is it _supposed_ to be funny?”

“Probably not,” Kakashi admits. “But, well, it’s what I enjoy reading. Does it matter if it’s objectively good?”

“No, but that attitude makes it hard to tease you,” she tells him. “And _that’s_ disappointing.”

“Death made you sassy.”

“It makes everyone sassy.”

“I’ll have to ask Kanna to corroborate that,” Kakashi says. “Apparently she’s done the whole ‘raise the undead’ thing before.”

“No, that was… mostly not her,” Rin says. “She was around for it, though.”

“So she’d know.”

“Unfortunately.”

Kakashi smiles and turns the page. “Good.”

Rin huffs, but stays quiet. It takes a few more minutes—at least five pages—for her to talk again. “I missed you, you know.”

“As in… while I was gone yesterday?” Kakashi asks. “Or…”

“While I was dead,” Rin says quietly. “I mean… I don’t remember everything, and I spent a lot of time worrying about and keeping tabs on Obito, and Minato-sensei was in the Shinigami’s stomach until two years ago, but… I did miss you. Between the guilt and everything.”

“I missed you too,” Kakashi says. He hesitates a bit, but it’s on his mind a lot, and now is as good a time as any to say it. “I wasn’t very good to you, Rin. Before, I mean. You’re… a very kind person, and I didn’t deserve your—”

“Shut up,” she tells him. “We both know that was the trauma.”

“That doesn’t excuse how I treated you.”

“And you made up for it after Obito died by doing your best,” she counters. “I’m a teenager, Kakashi, I shouldn’t be better at emotional interpretation than you.”

“Everyone’s better at emotional interpretation than me,” Kakashi tries.

Rin rolls her eyes, entirely ready to argue—which is valid, but only sort of—but a knock at the window interrupts her.

Pale face. Black hair. Black eyes.

“Sai?” Rin asks, sounding… much more confused than Kakashi is, really. This isn’t really that unusual.

He gets up and wanders over to the window, disables a trap or two, and opens it up. “Hey. Do you need to come in, or…?”

Sai stares at him, and then slips into the room without a word.

Kakashi watches them for a moment, decides this is probably a bigger situation than it looks like, and then carefully asks, “Is it an emotions problem?”

Sai looks up at him, and then down at their hands. Those hands go into their pockets, and then they say, slow and delicate, like they’re not quite sure themself, “I kissed Shikamaru.”

Ah.

“So it’s a people problem,” Kakashi says, because it’s better to get the categorizing done first. “Do you need to talk about it?”

Sai’s eyes meet his, and it takes a solid twenty seconds before the kid nods.

“Do you want to join Rin on the couch? I can make tea. I know Sakura usually makes tea for conversations like this.”

“Yes, Kakashi-nii.”

“Okay, then.” Kakashi pats them on the shoulder. “Go sit down. The tea won’t take too long. We can talk while the water boils, if you want, or we can wait. What works better for you?”

“Waiting.”

Kakashi nods and focuses on the tea.

Rin doesn’t press Sai. She doesn’t know them that well, for all that she’s been spending time with Juugo and Shin, but there’s enough familiarity to not make it awkward. Kakashi keeps an eye on both of them from his tiny little half-kitchen, and they’re… quiet. Neither of them says anything, beyond Rin’s quiet request that Sai go swap shoes for something house-appropriate, and then to wash their hands.

“Tea,” Kakashi says, setting it a cup down in front of each of them. “Sai?”

“Yes?” They don’t meet his eyes.

“Did you come for advice, to untangle what you’re feeling, or something else?”

Sai stares at him again, and then looks down at their tea. “I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Kakashi says. He forcibly does _not_ let himself get irritated. “Why don’t you tell me what happened? You and Shikamaru are already friends, right?”

“Yes.”

“Did you _want_ to kiss him?”

“I think so.”

“Did _he_ want to kiss _you?”_

Sai frowns. “I… I _thought_ so.”

Kakashi meets Rin’s eyes, and she grimaces.

“Walk me through it,” Kakashi suggests.

“Shikamaru was complaining about how the girls in his class all like Sasuke,” Sai explains slowly. “And that they get very loud about it, to the point where sometimes he can’t sleep during lunch. He complained about how he doesn’t understand why any of them even like Sasuke, because they don’t really know Sasuke on a personal level, and he’s always rude to them because he wants them to leave him alone. I think he was trying to be nice about Sasuke, more than he usually would be, because he knows that I am somewhat friends with Sasuke.”

“Somewhat?” Rin prompts.

Sai shrugs. “He is Karin’s minion, and she is… my sister. We interact.”

Kakashi shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it, Rin. It’s just… a thing they have going on.”

Rin does not seem ready to let it go, but she subsides.

“Okay, so Shikamaru-kun was complaining about Sasuke,” Kakashi recaps. “Or rather, about how many girls like Sasuke. How did it go from there?”

“I asked if he liked any of the girls in his class, and he said no. I asked if he liked _anyone,_ like the boys, or a girl from outside of class, and he frowned and said no.” Sai frowns a little at that. “He said that he hadn’t really thought about anyone in particular, just that he wanted to have a mediocre life where he got married and had two kids while staying a Chuunin all his life.”

Kakashi does not anticipate this ‘ambition’ coming true.

He gets it, kind of, but it’s not going to happen.

(Shikamaru really just wants to be as lazy as possible, huh.)

“He said that we were a little young for dating anyone, but since I’m a little older than him, I could probably start thinking about it. I said that I don’t know anyone very well outside of school, and half of the people that I know well enough to even _think_ about kissing are my siblings,” Sai explains. “And of the rest… Ino likes Sasuke, and Neji is… I think Karin said that he is nowhere near a healthy enough emotional state to think about dating anyone.”

That’s.

That’s fair.

Harsh, but not wrong.

“I have not asked anyone about dating or things like that before,” Sai says quietly. They don’t meet Kakashi’s eyes, looking down at the tea. “I told Shikamaru this; he knows about… about Root, so he knew what I meant. He asked if there was anyone I would date or kiss if I knew they’d say yes, and I told him that of the people I know, the people who… who _deal_ with me, who know how my brain works and are okay with that, I don’t… I think about kissing and it’s strange, but I think it’s less strange to think about kissing Shikamaru than anyone else. He looked confused, and then said that it didn’t sound so bad, and that I was more tolerable than most of the girls anyway.”

Sai doesn’t keep talking, so Kakashi prompts them again, trying to keep his tone gentle. It’s hard, because Kakashi’s default tone is best described as trolling. He thinks he manages it. “Is this when you kissed him?”

Sai nods.

“Okay,” Kakashi says. “Did you… move slow enough that he could stop you? Telegraph movements?”

Rin shoots him a look, but Sai seems relieved to have Kakashi breaking down everything like this.

(Kakashi knows Root.)

(Rin may know people, but the reason Sai came _here_ is because they and Shin know that Kakashi will always understand them better than anyone else in their lives.)

(Well, except Tenzō, but they don’t know where Tenzō’s apartment is, or know Tenzō as well as they know Kakashi, so it’s a moot point.)

“I thought I did,” Sai says. “I put a hand on his jaw. I leaned in slow, or at least slower than I could. He didn’t pull away from me. He waited for me to pull away first. But then he went red and told me he had to go, and ran away.”

“And you panicked and came here?” Kakashi asks. When Sai nods, Kakashi relaxes. “Okay. That’s good. You got more info for me, or do you want me to help you understand what happened?”

“Explanation, please.”

Kakashi nods and thinks and says, “You’re kids.”

Sai frowns at him. “I’m a shinobi. Even though I am at the Academy still, I’m a shinobi, and—”

“And you’re not even twelve,” Kakashi says. He waits for Sai to close their mouth, and then continues. “Sai, you’re still a kid when it comes to these things. You may be almost an adult in the eyes of the law, but while that means you’re going to have a license to kill, it does _not_ mean you know what you’re doing, especially when it comes to things like romance. Coming to an adult you trust is still a good thing. You’re young and that means the adults in your life are there to help you out.”

“Was there anyone for you?” Sai asks.

Ow.

“My sensei,” Kakashi says. “I… my father died when I was young. I would prefer to not talk about it. Back to your situation: you’re not even twelve yet. Shikamaru is _almost_ ten. It’s a normal age to have your first kiss at—” Kakashi glances at Rin and sees her nod, and thanks his lucky stars that he guessed that correctly, “—but it’s also normal to do things like _panic_ about that kiss, especially if it happened on short notice. With our culture the way it is, people also expect you to be dating the person you have your first kiss with, and you two… aren’t.”

Sai frowns. “So it is cultural?”

Kakashi wiggles a hand. “It’s a lot of things. People attach a lot of importance to first kisses, and while I don’t think Shikamaru would place the same emphasis on it as Ino would, I can imagine that it left him a little flustered. I don’t think he’ll be angry with you, but he might be feeling confused or embarrassed. Do you _like_ Shikamaru enough to date him? Again, you’re young enough that it would be mostly hand-holding and cheek kisses, realistically, but is that something you want?”

Sai blinks at him. Their brow furrows. “I think so.”

“Think on it,” Kakashi says. He puts a hand on Sai’s shoulder. “Romance and dating can mess up a friendship, so talk it out with him. Find out how he feels about the kiss, and if you decide to date, take it _very slow._ Set boundaries, so you don’t ruin something because you tried to have a relationship you weren’t ready for. This isn’t something either of you has experience with, and a lot of people have more than one relationship before they find their forever person. You don’t want a messy breakup down the line.”

Sai nods. Then they ask, “Did you do that?”

“I was an emotionally-stunted mess,” Kakashi says. “I did _not_ do that, but I was also neck-deep in ANBU and dealing with about seventy million different psychological issues. This is very much me, having learned from my mistakes, giving you advice so you don’t make the _same_ mistakes. Ask Sakura and Kanna for advice on healthy relationships, because theirs is a good one.”

Sai nods again. They glance at the window. “Should I go find Shikamaru?”

“No,” Kakashi says immediately. “I mean… not yet. Give him some time to process. Talk to your sisters, and then let him come to you. Ask Naruto to pass along a message, if you’re worried, saying that you don’t want to pressure him but are ready to talk when he is. You’ve got a good friendship with this kid, okay? I don’t want you to lose that just because you tried to grow up too fast.”

Sai considers that, and then turns to Rin. “Do you agree?”

“What, you don’t trust Kakashi-kun?” Rin asks, almost teasing. It falls flat, but the effort is nice.

“Kakashi-nii has previously stated that you are more emotionally competent than himself,” Sai states. “I wish for a second opinion prior to going to my sisters for further advice.”

Rin giggles, hiding her mouth behind her hand. “I think Kakashi’s right, for the most part. Talk to your older sisters first, and then talk to Shikamaru. I’m sure you guys will be fine.”

Sai stands and bows to both of them, and then goes to swap out their shoes.

“Use the door this time!” Rin calls, and Kakashi walks Sai out. He awkwardly pats Sai on the shoulder again, and then starts re-arming the traps and seals as soon as the kid is out. He wanders over to the window to do the rest.

“You’re good with him.”

Kakashi looks over at Rin, who’s got her arms pillowed under her head, watching him from where she’s plastered herself to the back of the couch.

“I understand things most people don’t,” Kakashi says. “That’s all.”

She watches him finish up, and then… he wonders if he should go back to what they were doing.

It might be time to start dinner?

He turns to ask Rin, see if she’s got anything she’s craving, except…

Well.

Things _happen,_ sometimes.

A dark shape swirls into existence out of nowhere, and slams him against a wall with a hand around his throat.

Orange mask.

Glowing, familiar Mangekyo Sharingan.

“Obito,” Kakashi chokes out.

“Who did you tell?” Obito snarls.

“Put him _down!”_ Rin orders, already at their side and tugging ineffectually at Obito’s arm.

(She’s so very young, compared to them.)

“No,” Obito manages to snap. “I can’t just—”

He cuts off the sentence and hisses, the noise filled with frustration and that poorly-hidden, endless well of rage. “I waited until the kid was gone, but I am _getting answers.”_

“And you’ll get them faster if you stop _choking him!”_ Rin shouts. “He’s not even fighting back, Obito, what’s _wrong_ with you?”

Obito drops him like a hot coal.

(Rin knows exactly what’s wrong, but it worked.)

(It worked.)

(Kakashi knows this and it’s all that matters, in the moment.)

Kakashi sucks in a deep breath. That’s going to bruise, for all that Rin’s already fallen to her knees and gotten her glowing hands pressed to his neck. Kakashi looks up and fixes Obito with a one-eyed stare. “Got an actual _question?”_

Obito glares back. “Who did you tell?”

“About _what?”_ Kakashi demands. “Context, we need it.”

The noise he gets in response is closer to a growl than anything. Kakashi remains unimpressed. Obito tries to keep glaring for a moment, but Rin stands up and crosses her arms.

She is his weakness. Always has been.

“Someone found out about the perfect resurrection,” Obito bites out. “They figured out about the Rinnegan part, at least. I need to know _who you told.”_

“Only the people that were already in on the plan to treat with you,” Kakashi says. “All thoroughly vetted before and after. Everyone knows about the perfect resurrection, but everything’s been labeled an S-rank secret for a _reason.”_

Obito stares at him like he can get a different answer through force of will, and then turns away to start pacing the apartment. “Fuck!”

“Do we get to know _why_ you’re worried about a leak?” Rin asks. “Who found out?”

He keeps pacing.

Kakashi knows this isn’t the boy he once knew, but he thinks he’s got some pull. Maybe. He hopes so, at least.

Walking over takes a fraction of a second, and taking Obito’s elbow is only a moment. The artificial arm, hidden under layers of cloth, stiffens under Kakashi’s touch. Obito turns to him.

“Let’s sit down,” Kakashi suggests quietly. “And you can take off that mask.”

“I’ll take off mine when you take off yours,” Obito snips.

Kakashi blinks at him, slow and even, and then reaches up and pulls his mask down.

His face is bare. It’s not as uncommon as it might have been, once.

It’s a small price to pay, really.

Obito doesn’t move, beyond the turning of his Sharingan and the rise of his chest.

“Your turn,” Kakashi suggests.

Rin comes up on Obito’s other side, starts tugging him over to the couch. He goes easily, and Kakashi only diverts to grab a new cup. They still have tea, cooled enough to drink without hesitation, and warm enough to not be gross.

He places it meaningfully in front of Obito, and then sits down on the remaining empty cushion. They aren’t quite touching, but it’s close.

Team Minato.

What a mess.

(He got them _back,_ though…)

Obito takes off the mask.

Kakashi isn’t on the side with the scars, but he knows where they are. He keeps his eyes low, on the turtleneck, instead of on the socket that… well, it’s not _empty_ , because that’s medically inadvisable, but the eye in there is probably glass.

“I’m worried that Zetsu found out about Rin,” Obito says, keeping his eyes on the door across the room, like he’s ready to run away, for all that he doesn’t need the door to do so. “If he _has,_ then he’ll know I’m compromised, and there’s a solid chance he’ll come after her.”

Definitely not good.

“Why are you worried?” Rin asks. “I mean, what changed?”

Obito doesn’t meet her eyes.

“He doesn’t know I’m here,” Obito whispers. “He doesn’t. He can’t.”

He’s talking to himself, then. It’s not a great sign, but it wasn’t like anyone was suffering from illusions about his sanity or stability, so Kakashi tries not to worry about it.

“Obito,” Rin says, putting her hand on his. It’s gloved, and artificial, but he seems to still feel it, twisting his hand around to grab hers and hold on. “Obito, what happened?”

“Someone broke in,” Obito finally manages to say. “They took—they took Nagato’s _eye.”_


	26. Alas, Poor [Checks Notes] [Drops Notes] [Panics] To Be Determined!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the mystery is solved... mostly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I call Kakashi "a wee bit of a slut," I say it with all the love I have. I hope the framing makes that clear, but just in case: no slut-shaming in this house. Just slut-celebrating.
> 
> WARNINGS FOR: casual threats of violence, references to offscreen sexual activity, references to non-graphic injuries and past usage of painkillers (as prescribed), more necromancy, Kakashi bullying a small child in a way that is loving but... tbh basically canon

It takes Kakashi a few moments to place the name as ‘Jiraiya’s Uzumaki student from Amegakure, the one with a Rinnegan,’ and then his stomach turns as he recognizes the panic.

“You mean the eye that can summon meteors?” Kakashi asks.

Obito turns to him. “What.”

“Sakura said the Rinnegan can summon flaming meteors,” Kakashi says. He feels a little defensive. “That’s what got stolen, right?”

“Wh… _meteors?”_ Obito demands. “Madara didn’t tell me _that!”_

“I’m just telling you what I heard,” Kakashi defends. “I mean, the rest is also terrifying, that Dōjutsu is more of a hack than Mangekyo, but the meteors stuck out in my memory.”

Obito looks… ready to throttle him.

It’s not optimal.

“Okay,” Kakashi says. “You said eye. Just one?”

“Just one,” Obito confirms, looking _slightly_ less throttle-prone.

“That’s odd, right?” Rin asks. “I mean…”

“Not really,” Obito says, grimacing. “Konan got in there quick enough to scare whoever it was off. Nagato was drugged, had no idea who it’d been.”

“Is Zetsu the only suspect?” Kakashi asks.

“Who knows?” Obito grumbles. “He’s definitely the _main_ suspect. If he thinks I’ve turned sides or notices the slave seal is gone, he needs to cover his bases, and that means taking back Madara’s Rinnegan and finding someone to use it that’s either loyal or manipulable enough to do it the way Zetsu needs it done.”

Kakashi doesn’t say it.

He _doesn’t._

“Shut up, Bakashi.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“I can _hear you thinking it.”_

“Boys,” Rin says, tone light and effortless. “Focus.”

The silence is so, so awkward.

“Anyone else have access?” Kakashi asks.

Obito glares at him, which is just… par for the course, really. “Of the people who _would?_ The question is who even knows to attack the real body and not the Paths. Konan could manage it, but wouldn’t. Kisame and Itachi are both on the other side of the continent and know what’s at stake; they wouldn’t risk it. Sasori is a maybe, but… I doubt it. He’d want the full package, not just an eye, and the last time I checked, he was in Lightning. Anyone else, including Zetsu, isn’t going to make that move unless they hear about Rin and Shisui.”

“Or they already knew a Rinnegan exists,” Rin says quietly. “They’d only need to know we were resurrected, not how. There are rumors out there. Legends. If someone believed them…”

“One of Danzō’s, maybe,” Kakashi says. “If he were still alive, I’d suspect him, but as it stands… Root is an option. The loyalty ran deep, in the older members.”

“Orochimaru, too,” Rin tosses in. “I wouldn’t put it past him to figure it out.”

Obito grimaces and drops his head into his hands with a groan. “Fuck.”

“Language,” Kakashi admonishes, so lost in thought that he absentmindedly says the word before the company he’s keeping catches up with him.

Obito lifts his head to give him the ugliest look Kakashi’s gotten in… a week, maybe?

“Are you shitting me right now?”

Kakashi shrugs. He refuses to feel ashamed about this. “I spend a lot of time around kids. If it were Naruto, you’d have a tiny blonde clinging to your head and shouting about the swear jar right now.”

Obito immediately, without an ounce of hesitation, pulls out a kunai and tries to stab Kakashi.

Kakashi dodges, of course, and even manages to redirect the blade. Obito wasn’t really trying that hard. It passes harmlessly into empty air, and Kakashi balances on the back of the couch, fingers casually wrapped around the leather of Obito’s glove.

“Please don’t stab my couch.”

“It’s an ugly couch.”

“Yes, but it’s mine, so… please?”

He can see Rin pinching the bridge of her nose behind Obito. He feels a little bad for her, but like. Not that bad.

“I hate you,” Obito tells him.

“I’m aware,” Kakashi says, and lets go of Obito’s wrist. He drops back into his seat. “Fine, so. Zetsu, Orochimaru, Sasori, high-level Root looking to bring back Danzō, possibly any S-Rank who’s got an idea that a Rinnegan exists _and_ heard about a full resurrection happening in Konoha.”

“Unlikely,” Rin sighs.

“Hence the suspicion of a leak,” Kakashi summarizes. “Right. I am… not the most qualified person in this. If I were actually _in_ Amegakure to investigate the—”

“Not a chance.”

“—situation, then I could do something, but that’s not happening, obviously. In which case, we need someone who knows the playing field and has a further-reaching sensory skill than I do.”

“One of those impossible Uzumaki girls?” Obito asks.

Is that a sneer? Kakashi’s pretty sure that’s a sneer.

“Don’t be rude,” Rin scolds, smacking Obito’s arm.

He looks down at it, and then up at her pout. He doesn’t seem to have any words on hand.

“Listen to the medic,” Kakashi says. He has to block another kunai, but he regrets nothing.

“What does being a medic have to do with being _polite?”_ Obito questions archly.

“Well,” Kakashi explains, as patient as he can be, which is somewhere on the order of ‘very.’ “If you _aren’t_ polite to Kanna and Sakura, they will break your bones, and since _they’re_ medics, you can be sure it won’t be an easy fix. Rin might be the one patching you up. So listen to the medic that will have to fix you if you’re rude to the scary ladies.”

“How mature,” Rin says. It would be a drawl, if she were that kind of person, but even like this the sarcasm is evident.

“I try,” Kakashi says, preening. It gets Obito to look a little more murder-y, which is a plus.

“Kakashi,” Obito says instead, and Kakashi straightens his spine and feigns paying attention at a briefing. “Has anyone ever told you not to antagonize the international terrorist capable of fighting and winning against multiple S-ranks with a variety of kinjutsu at their disposal?”

“No, I’m afraid they haven’t.”

“Okay, well, here’s me telling you: stop antagonizing me, the international terrorist capable of fighting and _winning_ against multiple S-ranks with a variety of kinjutsu at their disposal.”

“Ah, but where else am I supposed to get my jollies?”

“Literally anywhere else,” Rin moans. “We aren’t _twelve_ anymore, oh my _god._ Why are you bickering like teenagers? Why is this somehow _worse?”_

“He started it,” Obito mutters.

“Excessive emotional trauma leads to some _incredibly_ interesting coping mechanisms,” Kakashi offers with a smile that shows off his too-sharp teeth. If Obito wants him to spend a meeting with his mask down, then Kakashi’s going to take advantage and flash his fangs.

“Oh please, like you’re the only one in this room with excessive trauma.”

“Yeah, but I feel like a bad sense of humor and being kind of a dick is better than trying to take over the world,” Kakashi points out.

 _“Boys,”_ Rin stresses. “There are _eyes being stolen._ Is this really the time?”

“Yes,” Kakashi says.

This time, Rin is the one that throws a kunai at him.

He probably deserves it.

\--

“Not allowed in your house?” Obito asks, before anyone can stop him.

Kanna slams the door closed. “Hi. No. Shut up.”

There is a book in front of Kakashi’s face. It is staying there.

“Hello, Kanna-san,” Rin greets. “I hope we didn’t pull you away from anything too important.”

“We’re talking _stolen Rinnegan,”_ Kanna snaps. “It takes precedence.”

“Is it something you can track?” Kakashi asks.

“At this distance? When it’s not in use or even in someone’s head?” Kanna asks, looking peeved as hell. “No. I gave it a shot just in case, but _nothing_ is popping up except Nagato and his paths. The situation is shit.”

“Tell us how you really feel,” Obito drawls.

“Shut up or I am _going to de-spine you.”_

Oh, that one’s… sort of new.

Still the same basic shape of a normal Kanna threat, though.

“Is Sakura not coming?” Rin asks, trying to pull the conversation back somewhere normal.

“She’s got three hours left on an eight-hour surgery,” Kanna dismisses. “So. Stolen Rinnegan. Nothing to indicate a specific suspect. Did you get an analysis done on what drug was used?”

“Not yet.”

“You’re fucking useless.”

Obito snarls and makes to get to his feet, but Kakashi and Rin each grab an arm and yank him back down into his seat.

“Why do you all _insist_ on antagonizing an S-rank nukenin that you know is an international terrorist?” Obito demands.

“If you keep saying that, we’ll start thinking you’re proud of it,” Kakashi points out.

Rin hisses his name to make him shut up.

Kanna just… looks at him.

Wow, she’s got ‘unimpressed and tired of your shit’ down _pat._

“I’m not wrong,” Kakashi insists.

“I do not care,” Kanna informs him. “Sit down and shut up if you don’t have anything useful to say. Obito, your main suspect is Zetsu?”

“Best access and motive,” Obito confirms. “After that, it’s a bit muddy. Timing implies it was someone reacting to the recent full resurrections, but it’s possible, if not particularly plausible, that it was just someone knowing about the Rinnegan and going after it now as a coincidence.”

Kanna’s mouth twists. “Unfortunate.”

She stares past them for a moment, chewing her lip in thought. “Why here?”

“Kakashi’s the point of contact,” Obito grunts. “And I needed to know if anyone had leaked info on the Rinnegan being behind all this.”

“Unlikely,” Kanna says. “If Danzō were still alive… but he’s not, so it’s going to be someone going on assumptions. Did you tell anyone except Itachi and Kisame?”

“I’ve shared minimal information with Nagato and Konan,” Obito says. “But all of that was via Sharingan-based genjutsu. It’s the only secure way to transfer intel without going into Kamui, and that carries a higher risk of Zetsu noticing.”

“Sensible,” Kanna says. Her mouth twists the other way, and then she sighs. “Right. I need to run this past the higher-ups. You got anything else you need to tell us, or is all the info we can do anything with? You told Rin or Kakashi everything already?”

Kakashi watches Obito’s face twitch a bit, and then he just… disappears.

Spirals into his own eye and into nonexistence.

Kanna snorts. “Classy. Alright, kids—”

“You’re only a year older than me.”

“I said _alright kids,”_ Kanna stresses, clapping her hands to emphasize. “Time for a field trip to the Hokage’s office, now that the most dangerous numbskull on the continent is gone.”

Op sec.

Yay.

\--

Ultimately, there’s not much Kakashi can actually _do_ about eye theft. He’s not allowed in Amegakure to investigate, and everything is speculation. He slips back into ANBU missions with Yamato, handling short, high-priority cases that need… not necessarily Kakashi himself, but definitely someone at his level. He’s got the emergency reverse summoning seals that Kanna whipped up, in case the situation in Ame goes pear-shaped, or Obito shows up and refuses to talk without Kakashi there.

It’s… it’s not that Kakashi’s _expecting_ that to happen, really, but Rin insisted it could happen.

Kakashi’s pretty sure Obito will always prefer to talk to her, but sure.

Of course, _between_ missions, Kakashi finds himself trying to sneak a nap with paper to block out the light.

“Kaka-nii?”

He lifts his book from his face and looks into Naruto’s confused eyes. “Hm?”

“Nee-chan said you got stabbed.”

“I did.”

“Can I see?”

“…no,” Kakashi says. He has no idea if Sakura or Kanna would be okay with their youngest seeing a stab wound. The Root kids, sure, and Karin would probably be disturbingly detached about it, but not Naruto and _probably_ not Juugo.

(For all that Juugo’s been the cause of plenty of death and destruction, he doesn’t want to see it or interact with such a thing ever again, and Kakashi can respect that.)

Naruto pouts and climbs up to stand on the couch, which is definitely against the rules, and tugs at Kakashi’s sleeve. “Hey, hey, come train with me.”

Kakashi looks down at his shoulder, then up at Naruto’s face. “Can you make a regular Bunshin yet?”

Naruto wrinkles his nose. “I changed my mind. Let’s do something else.”

“Oh no,” Kakashi says, slipping his book away with a smile in his eye. He stands up and grabs Naruto by the collar, scruffed like a pup. “We’re doing this. Chakra control exercises!”

“Kakashi-niiiiiiiiii,” Naruto whines. “I thought we could spar or something! Control exercises are _boring!”_

“And yet a core part of becoming a shinobi,” Kakashi reminds him. It’s mostly true. “We can spar later. You have more chakra than most shinobi would know what to do with, so you need to learn how to point it where you want it to go.”

“But later I promised I’d meet up with Iruka-sensei at Ichiraku Ramen!” Naruto protests. “I can’t just _ditch Iruka-sensei!”_

“Ah, quite right. Can’t just ditch Iruka-sensei,” Kakashi drawls. “Tell you what: you can do one of the easier chakra control exercises… _while_ we spar!”

Naruto looks devastated.

“But—but—”

“Put your shoes on.”

Naruto does.

Kakashi tosses him out into the backyard, and nods approvingly when Naruto executes a textbook roll to recover and pop to his feet. Pouting is an unfortunately adorable look on this specific child, to the point where Kakashi _almost_ feels bad about what he’s about to do. It’ll be good for Naruto, though, so Kakashi ignores the ‘must not hurt a cute small child’ instinct in favor of ‘if I teach this cute small child to fight, they will survive longer,’ which he’s pretty sure is something most shinobi families feel about their smaller humans.

Kakashi’s father had certainly held that philosophy.

Naruto continues to pout and grumble as he follows Kakashi’s directions, to the point where he starts to look more ‘constipated’ than ‘cute,’ but by the time thirty seconds have passed, he’s ready. A leaf stuck to his forehead and one to the back of each hand, ready to spar.

“You’re _mean,”_ Naruto accuses.

“I know,” Kakashi says. He leaps forward in a pathetically telegraphed attack, a quarter of his average sparring speed, and lets Naruto block him. They both know he’s holding back, but someone had managed to drill that it wasn’t an insult through Naruto’s skull a year or so ago.

Kakashi got to reap the benefits of that, in that Naruto no longer complained about someone going easy on a ‘totally awesome badass future Hokage’ or however he’d phrased it.

The spar stops every time Naruto drops a leaf. Naruto drops a leaf every two minutes or so, which is honestly better than the first time Kakashi ran this exercise. Naruto is muttering tiny, adorable death threats against Kakashi’s person, most of which sound like he’s just parroting something he heard Kanna say.

At least one involves the phrase ‘replace your bone marrow with blueberry jelly’ which. Sure, kid. Sure.

Kakashi ends up sitting on Naruto’s back after about an hour, and is not too mature to skip the taunting. It makes Naruto get _angry,_ which sometimes makes him fight better, and sometimes doesn’t, and Kakashi loves the chance to drill some ‘if your opponent is a dick, turn it against them’ into the kid’s head. Naruto’s emotionally volatile as hell, which is a lot like Kushina and not really that surprising, but not that great in a fight if he keeps losing his head to it.

Also, taunting small children is surprisingly fun, and Kakashi knows himself well enough to be aware of the fact that he’s kind of a dick. He’ll stop if Naruto gets legitimately upset or hurt and not just aggressively loud and prone to flailing, but until that point, taunting the small child is good for the small child in question.

Probably.

Kakashi had a kill count in the double digits by the time he was Naruto’s age, so he’s not the best judge.

“What time were you supposed to meet up with Iruka-sensei?” Kakashi asks idly.

“Four o’clock,” Naruto grumbles. “Get _off,_ nii-san.”

Kakashi pats him on the head. “It’s three-thirty.”

“Eh?! I’m gonna be late! Get off, get off, I need to—”

“Take a shower, of course!” Kakashi cheerfully says. “You’re covered in dirt, and we don’t want to disappoint Iruka-sensei, right?”

 _“Then get off!”_ Naruto screeches.

Kakashi stands up and, for just a moment, sees a yellow flash.

Adorable.

\--

“Naruto, you’re late!”

“It’s Kakashi-nii’s fault!” Naruto blurts out, pointing at the offending party.

Kakashi waves with a smile. “Yo!”

Iruka looks at Kakashi for a moment, and then sighs. “You know, I actually believe that.”

“He _sat_ on me, sensei!” Naruto continues to insist, waving his hands dramatically as if to emphasize the point. “And then he told me to take a shower before we came here for ramen because you’d be disappointed if I was all dirty and gross.”

“Why did he sit on you?” Iruka asks. “I’m not sure I want to know, but…”

“Sparring,” Kakashi answers, taking a seat on Naruto’s other side. “He insisted.”

“I didn’t ask you to _sit on me!”_ Naruto yells.

“Indoor voice,” Iruka says, pulling Naruto back into his seat. He doesn’t seem to even think about it; it’s automatic.

“I said we should do chakra exercises,” Kakashi reminds Naruto. “But our favorite little Hokage-to-be said that wasn’t cool enough, and that he’d wanted to spar.”

Naruto turns red. Actually, he looks a little like he’s about to explode with how much he wants to yell, but he keeps a lid on it.

“You _do_ need more chakra control practice,” Iruka says, patting Naruto on the head. “Maybe hold off on the sparring when you have plans.”

Naruto pouts—adorable—and turns to the counter to order.

Kakashi glances at Iruka out the corner of his eye and tries to figure out if they’ve ever, like, spoken.

He’s pretty sure the answer is no?

“Have we ever actually met?” Kakashi asks, because there’s really no good way around the issue.

Iruka snorts and rolls his eyes. “Once. There was a parent-teacher meeting and both Kanna and Sakura were busy, so you came instead.”

Kakashi does not remember this.

“You had a broken collarbone and were on a concerning number of pain meds.”

Kakashi does, in fact, remember this.

Vaguely.

“Why did they send me, then?” Kakashi asks.

“I think they were discussing the scheduling in the next room and you overheard them and just… came,” Iruka says. “Three days early.”

Hm.

That sounds… disturbingly likely.

“Well, I’m entirely coherent now,” Kakashi tells him. “So you don’t have to worry about that.”

“Kakashi-nii got stabbed,” Naruto says, apropos of nothing. Well, probably apropos of the earlier mention of a broken collarbone, but still. “He’s not on any painkillers, though, and he won’t let me see it.”

“You can’t just ask people to see their stab wounds,” Iruka scolds.

“I mean, physically, he can,” Kakashi points out. “He did, in fact. It’s just not polite.”

Iruka’s expression is functionally ‘dead inside.’ It rather clearly says ‘please stop undermining my attempts to turn this kid into a functioning member of society.’

Poor Iruka. That’s Kanna and Sakura’s job. Kakashi’s job is to be a bad influence.

“I don’t have to be polite to family,” Naruto argues. “Like, I gotta be _nice,_ but I don’t gotta be _polite.”_

“And Kakashi is family?” Iruka asks.

 _“Duh,”_ Naruto scoffs.

Kakashi ruffles his hair. “That’s very flattering. Heartwarming, you could stay. But if I’m family, that means I’m allowed to tell you to clean your room.”

 _“Kakashi-nii,”_ Naruto whines again.

“Nope, I’m adult in your family, ergo I get to harass you about your chores,” Kakashi tells him. “My logic is impeccable.”

“Is not!”

Iruka’s gotten to the point of putting his face in his hands in response to their nonsense. Part of Kakashi says ‘see how far you can push him, it’ll be funny if he snaps and tries to strangle you.’ The rest of him, the _sensible_ part, says ‘this is one of Naruto’s precious people, the only one who was actually around for him until the Uzumaki showed up in a literal miracle, so be nice.’

Kakashi decides to be nice.

“Eat your ramen, Naruto,” he says. The ramen arrives at just that moment, distracting Naruto for long enough that Kakashi grabs a few bites of his own dish.

He scalds his tongue.

Kakashi glares at the ramen. _Rude._

(It’s admittedly his own fault.)

(But nobody said he _had_ to admit it, so he’s not.)

(So there.)

Kakashi entertains himself by letting Iruka and Naruto _almost_ catch glimpses of his face. Iruka is only a little younger, but Kakashi’s gotten people twice his age to lose their shit trying to see his face, so it’s really not that surprising that the teacher is trying to see under the mask. Naruto is on the list of ‘has been trying for years’ and will continue to be there for… quite some time.

“How many years have you spent perfecting that technique?” Iruka asks.

Kakashi eye-smiles at him. “What technique?”

Iruka’s face, which had settled into something in the realm of ‘polite and positive,’ falls into an unimpressed frown. “You’re a terrible influence, aren’t you?”

Kakashi smiles harder and shrugs. “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

\--

Kakashi is many things. ‘A wee bit of a slut’ is on that list.

Everyone has ways to destress. Kakashi can easily see a world where he never got into any kind of sexual activity, but as it stands, his introduction to this form of stress relief was smooth enough that he’s come back to it when the opportunity presents itself. He’s not addicted or… well, he sometimes forgets his body will _do_ things, and mornings can be annoying. Kakashi forgets his libido exists sometimes.

And other times, he thinks that it’s kind of funny that his face is considered such a mystery when he’s shown it to half the people he’s slept with.

(The other half… well, some people like the mask.)

(A lot of people do, really.)

“Well, that was fun,” Genma muses. Kakashi doesn’t open his eyes as the bed shifts, suddenly down to one occupant. “Get you a drink?”

“Water, please,” Kakashi mutters into the bed. He leverages himself up to lean against the headboard, grimacing. He still doesn’t open his eyes. “Sorry for making you do all the work.”

Genma snorts, and the sound of the tap reaches Kakashi’s ears. “There are worse things to be sorry for, Hatake.”

This is true.

Kakashi cracks an eye open when footsteps reenter the room, and takes the cool glass that Genma passes him. The man’s already half-dressed again. “Remind me to never do Southern River again.”

“That bad?” Genma asks.

Kakashi shrugs. “I mean, I’ve had worse, but the _mosquitoes.”_

Genma laughs at him.

The water is gone quickly, and Kakashi lets his head fall back against the headboard again. “Fuck. I’m so tired, man.”

“Don’t you have babysitting today?” Genma asks.

Kakashi groans and throws an arm over his eyes. “Don’t remind me.”

“Wait, no, isn’t it officially co-parenting at this point?”

“See if I come to you for this again,” Kakashi grumbles. He lifts his arm just enough to glare. “Didn’t you half-raise your genin or something?”

“I’m a mother hen of a teacher, and I freely admit that,” Genma says. He cranes his head, a loud crack snapping through the room. “But I’d say the circumstances are pretty different, Hatake.”

Kakashi kicks his shin. It’s not a very hard kick, and Genma yanks his leg out of the way almost in time, so it’s little more than a poke.

“What did you say to make Anko lay off about dating the Uzumaki, anyway?” Genma asks.

“Don’t,” Kakashi groans. “Shit’s way more complicated than we thought.”

“You already thought it was complicated.”

“There’s another layer shaped like an annoying number of classified documents,” Kakashi says. “So please don’t press.”

“Yeesh,” Genma says. He’s even wincing. “Didn’t expect that.”

“With my life? You probably should have,” Kakashi says. He sits up more fully, and his spine crackles. “Ugh. I’m getting old.”

“I’m three years older than you, Hatake, don’t even start.”

Kakashi bares fangs in his direction, and gets a raised eyebrow for his efforts.

“Put some pants on and go do… whatever it is you need to do before babysitting,” Genma dismisses him. “I don’t know. The Academy lets out in like an hour, you’ve got time.”

“Three hours,” Kakashi says.

“…no, I’m pretty sure they still let out at four.”

“No, I mean I have three hours,” Kakashi corrects. “The kids have one hour. I have three.”

“Dude,” Genma says. “They’re kids.”

“They know to expect it,” Kakashi dismisses. “They’re old enough to walk home alone, and they’re not exactly going to have trouble with afternoon snacks.”

Genma still looks disappointed in him.

Kakashi sticks out his tongue, but gets to his feet and stretches. “Ugh. Borrow your shower?”

“Don’t use the blue shampoo,” Genma says. “Otherwise, knock yourself out.”

Ten minutes later, Kakashi’s out the door, looking and feeling fresh as a daisy, nose in his book and ears picking up whatever gossip he can glean from the civilian market. The answer is ‘not much,’ except for what is apparently a long-term affair between a young baker and the daughter of a high-ranking bank official. Kakashi files that away for possible future blackmail and turns a corner.

Something slams into him.

It takes him a moment to process, to note that it only happened because the person attacking him was both skilled _and_ trusted, and incidentally taking advantage of how goddamn tired he is.

He still almost stabs them and dodges all but the clipping of his shoulder. It’s sloppy, but he can fix that. Probably later.

 _“You!”_ Kanna snarls.

Kakashi steps back, eye wide. “What did I do?”

The kids don’t even get out for another, what, three quarters of an hour? She can’t be mad about him being late.

“Nothing. Fuck. I need you to come with me,” Kanna says, and there’s something _burning_ about her.

Kyuubi chakra, maybe. Her eyes aren’t turning any redder, but it’s not like his color vision is good enough to see that kind of change in the first place. “What’s going on?”

“Let’s _go!”_ she snaps, hopping onto a roof and yanking on his sleeve. She lets go in time for it to not rip, but it’s a close thing. “Fuck. _Fuck!”_

“Is anyone else—”

“Shut up. I don’t know. I’m freaking out.” She hisses between her teeth in clear anxiety, and Kakashi feels his exhaustion disappear into the ether as adrenaline flows through him. “There’s a chakra signature coming our way that _should not_ exist right now.”

“Dead or not yet born?”

“Dead. Very, very dead,” she growls. “Doesn’t seem aggressive, but dead things always have weird chakra.”

“And you’re dragging me to…”

“Meet it at the gates,” she says. “Intercept if possible, but it’s probably not.”

“Because…”

“One of the fastest ninjas in Konoha’s histo—it’s _not_ Minato,” she blurts out. “Fuck. Sorry. It’s not Namikaze.”

Kakashi’s heart untwists, but the extra burst of adrenaline is… well, it’s not _un_ welcome, exactly… “So who?”

“Senju Tobirama.”

Ah. ‘Fuck’ is right.

“And Orochimaru’s with him.”

Kakashi’s starting to wonder why how she’s not freaking out _more,_ at this point.

“I’m guessing you sent shadow clones for other people?” Kakashi asks.

She nods, sharp as a knife. “Hokage, Tsunade, Sakura, Anko and Tenzō. I’d have sent for Jiraiya, but he’s out of town and I don’t want to pull an emergency summons on him until we know for sure it’s needed.”

“Understood,” Kakashi says.

He drops back by half a stride, a silent acknowledgement that she has the lead in this emergency situation.

She disappears after a second.

Okay then. Clone.

He speeds up and heads for the gates.

\--

Kakashi meets the others at the gate. It’s everyone Kanna listed, along with a handful of ANBU—he recognizes most of them—Tobirama’s surviving students, and a handful of Jounin that probably just got grabbed on the Sandaime’s way out of the tower. He’s more or less the last one here, but he’s pretty sure he had the farthest to travel, and that Kanna had the furthest to go to reach him.

Nobody here is under Tokubetsu Jounin. In fact, Kakashi’s pretty sure the _only_ Tokubetsu is Anko, and that’s only because of Orochimaru. Nobody is under any illusions as to how dangerous this _could_ be.

Wait, no. He was wrong.

Kotetsu and Izumo are still in the guard house. Izumo looks worried, but Kotetsu is… honestly, Kotetsu looks like he just got his hands on some _really_ choice gossip.

Not much of a sense of self-preservation on that one.

“Hokage-sama,” Kakashi greets. “Your orders?”

“Uzumaki is on point,” the Sandaime says. He ignores the whispering of those who don’t know the truth of the matter. “From what I understand, she has encountered both individuals more recently than I have.”

Koharu and Homura’s heads both snap around to look at the Hokage with disbelief.

He ignores them, too.

Kakashi follows his lead. “Of course. Do we move to intercept?”

The Sandaime heaves out a slow breath. “It was decided to be… inadvisable.”

Vague enough that Kakashi’s not supposed to pursue the line of questioning. He hesitates, wondering if he should join the ANBU or the small group of Jounin. He does not have to make this choice.

“Hatake!” Kanna calls, and he ambles over to her and Sakura. “Good, you’re here.”

“I thought we didn’t have enough time to intercept,” he says. “But I’ve had an entire conversation, and I’m the last one here.”

“He slowed down,” Kanna tells him. She’s digging through a bag at her side. “Doesn’t matter. Take one of these. If he looks like a zombie, try to slap one on him. You’re one of the fastest we have right now.”

“Gai?” Kakashi asks, taking the proffered seal.

“Not in the village,” Kanna says. “You’re right, he’d have been better, but he’s not here. Shisui’s got one, though, and —shit.”

She snaps around and settles into a ready stance. Her teeth are bared, for all that they’re dull and human. The air around her burns, still, and it’s more comforting than it should be.

Kakashi doesn’t see anything. He lifts his Sharingan and only barely catches the edges of a flash of blue deep in the trees. The approach is from an angle that does not match the road.

Tobirama barrels out of the trees and lands some ten meters in front of them. He’s in full armor, looking fresh as a daisy, with a boneless lump of something over his shoulder.

They stare.

Kakashi feels every muscle he has tense up, and hears a creak of leather as Sakura’s fists clench at his side.

“Uzumaki,” the Nidaime greets. His voice is flat. Inflectionless.

There’s a hiss of surprise and mild offense behind them.

“You remember,” Kanna says. “I thought you would.”

He ducks his head, just slightly. “It’s been some time.”

“Aa,” she says. Kakashi hears tension in her voice, but it’s not… quite as nervous as he expects. He can smell something _smug_ from her. “Well, now we know what happened to… hm.”

She pauses, and then says. “You’re alive. Properly so.”

“I am.”

“An experiment?”

“Not one of mine, I assure you.”

Kanna makes a considering noise, and then says, “Hatake. Sakura. Keep an eye on him.”

A clap of her hands, a whisper of words, and Kakashi knows she has activated Mind’s Eye of the Kagura.

Tobirama looks amused, but stays where he is.

Shuffling happens behind them. Nobody lacks enough sense to whisper, but Kakashi is sure that there are knowing glances and confused glares where he can’t see them. The assembled shinobi don’t know, by and large, the backstory to the dynamic before them. Kakashi isn’t even sure they were warned of _who_ it was that was coming to their gates.

“He’s clean,” Kanna announces, and the tension does not leave, but it does loosen a tad. “No detectable control fuuinjutsu or foreign chakra in his system.”

“Welcome back, Nidaime-sama!” Sakura calls, cheerful beyond reason.

The undead Hokage snorts in something between amusement and derision, and strides forward. His eyes flick beyond and about the shinobi behind them, and then he stops just two meters away.

“I hope you don’t mind,” he says, and finally lays down the body over his shoulder. He’s gentle, but the face turns to the audience on the way, and the professional silence breaks. Gasps and growls hit the air with aplomb. The face is familiar to all of them.

Tobirama smiles grimly over Orochimaru’s unconscious body. “I brought a gift.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "But why didn't--" I promise you that either the answer will be in the next chapter, or it just straight up doesn't matter.
> 
> Also, this is the post I made like. The day I came up with this particular nonsense: https://phoenixyfriend.tumblr.com/post/632337169429807104/there-are-plot-twists-that-are-there-to-confuse


	27. Just Another Manic Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobirama is the spiritual equivalent of 'Entry of the Gladiators.'
> 
> (Don't worry, the characters are JUST as frustrated, confused, and at their wits' end as you are.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: casual violence, casual threats of torture, a distinct air of mania, Anko's stress levels, casual necromancy

Tobirama is alive.

‘Properly alive,’ as Kanna had put it.

He seems bemused by just about everything that goes on, which Sakura confides is odd, ‘because he’s usually as grumpy as Kanna-chan!’

Kakashi can see how that would make a Tobirama that just seems pleasantly befuddled and entertained by everything a little unnerving. If Kanna stopped being the most irritable person in Kakashi’s life for a minute, he’d be concerned about possession or something.

“Tobi-ji,” Tsunade mutters quietly once the man is further in. Kakashi thinks they’d probably planned on leaving her at the hospital, until Kanna said just _who_ was coming.

“Tsunade-hime,” the dead man says, and Kakashi watches in idle fascination as he draws Tsunade into a hug. “It’s been some time.”

Tsunade scoffs. “Decades, you old fart.”

Tobirama stiffens.

Kakashi barely tracks how quickly Tsunade goes down, back, up, and jumps away from the lightning-fast attempt to give her the kind of slap upside the head she’s usually giving Jiraiya.

“Brat,” Tobirama accuses. It’s fond, but still irritated. “First time we see each other in—”

“Thirty-seven years.”

Tobirama makes a face.

“You’ve been dead,” Kanna jeers. “For thirty-seven sl—”

He knifehands her. She barely dodges, so he’s probably not trying that hard, and she’s barking out a laugh. “Oh, come on, I thought we were _friends,_ after—”

“Zombies don’t count,” he snaps.

Kanna smirks, teeth bared. “Tell that to Sakura-chan.”

Tobirama glances at the woman in question, who smiles so pleasantly that Kakashi wonders if Tobirama’s about to get punched.

“Fine,” Tobirama says. He jabs a thumb at Sakura, and glares at Kanna. “She’s a friend. You’re not.”

“Are you seriously having this conversation?” Tsunade demands.

Homura and Koharu are furiously arguing with the Sandaime in hushed whispers, and Kakashi stops trying to eavesdrop after realizing that most of what’s being said involves Tobirama acting out of character—a valid concern, probably—and how they can’t just _trust Uzumaki_ about whether or not Tobirama is actually clean of Orochimaru’s influence.

“Yes,” Hiruzen says, and he sounds so very tired and long-suffering. Kakashi pities him. “That’s why we are going to T&I with a solid guard detail.”

“And Orochimaru?” one of the elders demands. Kakashi’s too distracted by the snippy Senju in front of him to care which.

“I’m half considering letting Anko decide what to do with him at this point,” Hiruzen mutters, and Kakashi can see the glance he sends to the woman that is sticking very, very immediately to the side of the ANBU carrying her old teacher. He shakes his head. “We restrain him for now. I want Jiraiya’s opinion before we move forward. We may yet be able to use this.”

“Shouldn’t someone go make sure the Oto kids don’t freak?” Anko asks, loud enough for her voice to carry to the old people. She does give them a pointed look.

Hiruzen doesn’t stumble, but his face twitches. “That… would be sensible, yes. Tenzō, grab a team and take care of it.”

“Of course, Ho… I mean, uh, Sandaime-sama?” Tenzō’s voice climbs an octave at the end, glancing nervously towards Tobirama. “I… I’ll be going.”

He seems relieved, and for far more than exiting the scene of his possible faux pas. Kakashi can’t imagine Tenzō is happy to be in Orochimaru’s presence. Even Anko is…

Well, she’s oscillating between worried and furious, but not _scared_ or triggered. Tenzō hadn’t been doing quite so well.

“I don’t suppose there was a more subtle way to transfer me,” Tobirama questions, voice low and not really a _drawl,_ but something close to it.

“Eh,” Kanna dismisses. “More eyes on you in case you go ballistic for whatever reason.”

“A charming way to describe the risks.” His voice is dry as dust.

“I try,” Kanna says. Hers is… just as dry.

(Tsunade shoves between them and tells Kanna to stop hogging her great-uncle.)

Kakashi leans over to Sakura, because he really just… he has to ask. “Are they flirting or just like this?”

Sakura giggles behind one hand. There’s a bounce in her step. “Just like this, believe it or not. I think if you suggested it was flirting to their faces, you’d get punched.”

Kakashi’s nose wrinkles. “That bad?”

“Well,” Sakura says, drawing the word out and tapping her jaw theatrically. “The thing is, they’re not really… each other’s type? They’re basically the same person, just a few decades apart and different genders.”

Kakashi blinks. He looks at them again. “Really?”

“Sexy sensor scientist with a temper and the grumpiest demeanor this side of Kusagakure,” Sakura confirms. She’s grinning far more brightly than Kakashi thinks is warranted. “I think having him alive will be good for her. A friend that gets the science-y bits. I’m a medic, a damn good one, so understand the actual facts and skills and all, but the few times he was Edo Tensei-ed before—”

How many times had that _happened?_

“—they just clicked, y’know? He gets the soul of it, understands whatever mad passion the science ninjas all get. Orochimaru does too, but he’s… you know. He doesn’t really have a morality chain? But yeah, if they get into a conversation about a fuuinjutsu experiment or something, they both get _ridiculously_ excited, it’s adorable. I can’t wait to see it happen again. It’s been a while since Kanna-chan had someone on her level!”

Sakura is absolutely _dripping_ with adoration for her wife and her passions.

Kakashi would love to join in, except every word of this is just worrying him.

“Also,” she says, leaning closer and not quite dropping her voice. “They’re _incredibly_ entertaining to watch, aren’t they?”

“You clever little _shit,”_ Kanna hisses in front of him, and Kakashi looks, and sees, and beholds the absolutely _vicious_ smirk she’s aiming up at Tobirama.

“It was nowhere near as complicated as you’re making it out to be,” Tobirama tells her.

“Uh-huh, let’s hear it when you can chart it out, motherfucker.”

Sakura coos.

\--

Tobirama keeps up a running commentary, once they reach T&I. He has thoughts on the security seals. He has thoughts on the locks. He has thoughts on the food.

Inoichi looks very annoyed by this, but says nothing. He just takes the Hokage and his council off into a side room to figure out what it is they want him to do, and gestures for Ibiki and Anko to get them set up in some high-security, positive-comforts rooms. Medical exams are coming first, he calls after them, and they’ve got enough top-tier medics to figure out who’s doing what for themselves.

“We had to rebuild from scratch after the Kyuubi attack,” Ibiki says, after one pointed comment. “By that point, our only seal master was Jiraiya, and he was unavailable. Our only Uzumaki was a _literal_ newborn. We’ve gotten _this_ one since then—” and he ignores Kanna’s jeering with zero trouble “but she’s had other things to focus on, apparently.”

It’s a much better defense than anyone else has made.

It doesn’t really address the other issues, like the physical security and the food, but at least Tobirama only rolls his eyes instead of talking shit about the chakra-detecting seals again.

“Are you planning on redoing all the security in the building yourself?” Kakashi asks, because he really can’t help himself. “Seems like a waste of talent for a miraculously undead Nidaime.”

“If needs must,” Tobirama says. He glares at Kanna. “And as it seems, they must.”

“Oh please,” Kanna scoffs. “You can guess exactly what I was working on.”

“Enlighten me.”

Tsunade forces them apart. “Are you always like this? You’re acting like _children.”_

“And?” Kanna challenges.

Tsunade looks down at her for a moment, disbelieving, and then turns to Tobirama. “Ji-san, I expected better of you, at least.”

“Sudden full reanimation can lead to interesting hormonal balances and surges in unnatural chakra, adrenaline, and similar energy-enhancing bodily adjustments prior to reachieving homeostasis,” he says. He is entirely straight-faced.

“Bitch, you’re just bitter I figured out the Shinigami reversal limiter before you did.” Kanna sounds… completely serious.

“I’m not that petty.”

The surprise is enough to send Kanna into a bout of choking laughter.

Tobirama eyes her.

He turns to Tsunade. “Right. I’m assuming you’ll be handling the medical exam?”

“You’re seriously trying to brush away that entire mess?”

Tobirama shrugs. “I’ve been dead a long time, and previous bouts with Edo Tensei have left me with some… interesting perspectives.”

“I’ll do the exam on Orochimaru,” Sakura says, heading off down the hallway with a wave. She grabs Kakashi by the wrist and tugs him after her. “Look after my wife! Don’t let her die of laughter, or of pissing off your uncle!”

Tsunade looks to be done with the lot of them. Kakashi doesn’t blame her.

“Hello, Anko dear!” Sakura says, striding into the room with that same delighted, genuine, slightly creepy smile. “Seems we’re all having a _bit_ of a day, ne?”

“How much time have you spent working with the Nidaime?” Anko asks with not a second’s hesitation. She’s busy strapping Orochimaru down to the exam table, and doesn’t look at them. It’s very likely she doesn’t want to.

Sakura pouts, but obligingly looks to the ceiling and taps her chin. “Oh, a few years, I’d say. Sometimes the builds got destabilized when the princess pulled her bones out, and then we had to wait to capture one of the empty clones to make it happen again.”

“Empty clones?” Anko demands.

“The walls have ears, y’know,” Sakura says. She pats Anko on the shoulder. “I’ll explain later, m’kay?”

“Do I need to be here?” Kakashi asks. “I feel superfluous.”

“We need you for stabbings,” Sakura tells him. “Chirpy, sparky stabbings.”

Orochimaru looks deeply unconscious.

That said, it’s Orochimaru.

“He could wake up at any moment, couldn’t he?” Kakashi sighs. “You know, I’m pretty sure Sakura could take him.”

“Maybe,” Sakura says. “Probably. I’d rather not do it without at least a bit more backup, though. You two are good, and the ANBU outside are solid help for my nerves, but I don’t underestimate _this_ particular ninja if I can help it.”

She checks under his eyelids before anything, tutting in disappointment when both are yellow and slit. “I’m sure Kanna-chan will ask Tobirama if he knows where it went, but still. A little irritating I can’t just fix it right out.”

Kakashi goes to stand in a corner, arms crossed. He doesn’t pull out the book.

That slight shift of Orochimaru’s chest is the only thing that’s moving about him, and it’s… terrifying.

He’s not sure if that’s the right word.

Kakashi’s played it cool since the arrival of their errant S-ranks, but the knowledge that Tobirama took out Orochimaru with enough ease to make the trip here says less than it should. Orochimaru could have _let_ it happen, out of curiosity, as a play, or… something. They’ve done a lot of damage, taking his child armies. Kakashi’s not sure what it is that Orochimaru’s planning to get out, but he’s not going to pretend that ‘is actually here as a personal plot’ isn’t on the table.

He lifts his headband. He doesn’t open Obito’s eye.

He toys with a kunai.

“Get a message to your boytoy?” Anko prompts.

“Need to wait for Tobirama,” Kakashi mutters. “There are options, but… I’d rather not bleed for it if I don’t have to.”

Anko makes a face, and turns back to where Sakura is pressing at Orochimaru’s lymph nodes with a frown.

“Something wrong?”

“Might be,” she says, but doesn’t elaborate. “It’s not his original body, I can tell you that much. It’s not rejecting him either, but that’s just a matter of time. Best case scenario, we get him out of this, into an empty clone— _yes,_ I promise I’ll explain later—and basically put him on parole. I don’t think anyone anticipated him being taken alive, so nobody knows what to do with him now. Can’t just pardon him, obviously, but he’s likely going to be declared too useful to just kill or keep prisoner forever.”

“You have ideas,” Kakashi says.

“Mm,” Sakura confirms. Her hands float lower on Orochimaru’s body, pausing on a particular spot low on his hip. “Oh, _bother.”_

“What?” Anko demands.

Sakura steps back, crossing her arms and glaring. She’s more than a little put out, Kakashi would wager. “Well, that’s enough of _that,_ Orochimaru. It’s an impressive piece of sealwork, but it only lasted so long.”

Gold eyes peel open and roll over to her. Kakashi tenses, and Anko pulls a blade with a snarl.

“It took you long enough, little girl,” Orochimaru says, voice soft. “I hadn’t thought it would.”

“Tobirama’s work, clearly,” she sniffs. “And _don’t_ call me a little girl. I may not be as old as you, but I’m well into being an adult.”

Orochimaru laughs, soft and rasping. Kakashi thinks Anko’s going to jump him and go for the jugular at any moment. “I was told you’d be more aggressive.”

“I’ve had my reasons to adjust,” she tells him. “Now, why did you let that whole charade go through? Clearly, you wanted to be _in_ Konoha, but that doesn’t tell me much.”

The laugh is louder this time. “It was your precious Nidaime-sama that convinced me.”

“How?” Anko asks through grit teeth.

She shouldn’t be here, Kakashi bemoans, but it wasn’t like anyone had expected Orochimaru to wake this soon.

“Heh,” Orochimaru breathes. “Rather simple, really. He told me that I was an idiot, and that there are bigger things are at play. He asked me to stop trying to control him, if only because it wasn’t working anyway, and to help him prevent the world from ending because… well, I’m not going to be able to live forever if there's no world to live in, am I?”

Ah. The ‘I’m one of the idiots who lives in it’ defense.

Solid.

“And you _went along with that?”_ Anko demanded.

Orochimaru shrugs as well as he’s able to, strapped to the table as he is. “Why not? I’ve lost my army, and my laboratories are not in the best repair, with all the havoc your Uzumaki tracker has wreaked. I’ve little left to lose, and Tobirama clearly knows more than he should, and certainly more than anyone else I’ve spoken with. It was a simple choice.”

“One with a little hint of persuasion in the form of a blade?” Kakashi presses. He tries to keep his tone light. He mostly succeeds.

Orochimaru smiles, too wide and too sharp for his face, and says, “far more enticing things, I promise you that.”

Anko squints at him. “Did you fu—”

“No!” Orochimaru snaps, and Anko steps back from the sudden flare of temper. _“Research!_ I meant _research!”_

“Great,” Sakura sighs. “So you came here on a deal made with a dead head of state. Fuck. That’s going to be a _mess_ to untangle.”

Kakashi lets her mutter to herself, pulling at her hair in frustration, and steps forward. “So, one of the good guys again?”

The look he gets in return is filled with disgust. “We are _shinobi.”_

“Fair,” Kakashi says. “Marginally less of a douchebag and planning to help us save the world, then.”

“Helping the Nidaime,” Orochimaru corrects. “Not you.”

“Oh, you’re going to be a _treat,_ ” Sakura grumbles. “I can already tell.”

“Can you?”

“Get wrecked,” she tells him, sweet as spun sugar. “I can go get Tsunade-sama, if you’d like. She’d be much less gentle than I am.”

“Charming,” he drawls.

The door opens, and it’s Tobirama himself. He doesn’t look happy. “I thought I told you to play nice.”

“No,” Orochimaru says, smiling in a way that shows off all his teeth. “I believe what you said is, and I quote directly, ‘What's the point of being immortal and doing experiments forever if there aren't any humans to experiment on? Checkmate, motherfucker, time to save the planet.’”

Tobirama quirks an eyebrow. “You’ve embellished.”

“I really haven’t.”

“Move, asshole,” Kanna hisses from out of sight, and then Tobirama rolls his eyes and steps aside. Kanna isn’t directly behind him, but rather helping Tsunade escort—

“Sandaime-sama,” Kakashi and Anko chorus with the kind of slight nods that take place of bows in what can politely be described as a tense situation.

“Sensei,” Orochimaru greets. “Ready to toss me in the oubliette and toss away the key?”

“Oubliette’s don’t—mmph!”

Tobirama does not remove his hand from Kanna’s mouth.

Kakashi is reluctantly fascinated by _whatever_ the friendship there actually entails. He feels like he’d be better off not knowing, and yet. The mystery attracts him.

“I’d have thought a terrarium would be better,” Tobirama says. His voice isn’t as dangerously soft as Orochimaru’s, but it holds the same hard edge.

“How many people are we stuffing into this room?” Sakura demands. “You do realize I’m not actually done with the check-up, right? His body is weird, okay, I need more time than usual.”

Orochimaru smirks.

“Stop,” Sakura orders.

“This is just my face.”

“I’m going to rip that look _off_ your face,” Kanna promises him.

“Unimaginative,” he hums.

“You are _all_ going to give me another decade of headaches,” Hiruzen grumbles. “I’ve spent too long in the seat.”

Kakashi doesn’t miss how many people turn to look at Tsunade.

Nobody misses that.

“There’s already two people with more experience in the role in this room,” she says.

“I’m not taking the hat back,” Tobirama says, not a hint of hesitation. “My time has passed, and old men holding positions of power for decades longer than they should have is what led to situations like Root… or so I’ve been told.”

“You’re still not a very good liar, sensei,” Hiruzen sighs.

Tobirama looks over, weighing something, and shrugs. “There’s a comment to be made about losing pet snakes, but I’ve been advised that we should avoid dehumanizing trains of thought.”

“How polite,” Orochimaru says. He’s pouting. Kakashi isn’t sure what emotion the pout is meant to convey.

Tobirama glares down at Orochimaru, and it’s… dispassionate. Cold. Distant.

(Kakashi feels a little manic, but he’s pretty sure the same thing goes for almost everyone else.)

(This is a very odd situation they’ve found themselves in.)

(He wonders if it’s going to sink in, like, ever.)

The Sandaime just rubs at the bridge of his nose and mutters something about being too old for this shit. Kakashi can see where he’s coming from. That said, Kakashi’s felt like he’s ‘too old for this shit’ since he was thirteen. That was a very odd time in his life, because everyone else was telling him that he was nowhere near old enough for the shit in question.

The shit was murder, mostly.

“I suppose it’s a little late to offer to take it myself,” Orochimaru muses.

“You are just _begging_ to be set on fire,” Kanna says. It’s idle. Friendly, even. “Seriously.”

“Have we met?” Orochimaru asks, just as calm and just as amicable. “You seem to have a rather personal grudge, but I can’t recall meeting an Uzumaki with glasses.”

“Or something,” Kanna says. “Don’t worry about it.”

“As if I would do something so plebian.”

“You’re _ly-ing,”_ Kanna sing-songs.

“As fascinating as this is,” Tsunade interrupts, “I believe there was a _point_ to be gotten to?”

“Oh right!” Kanna says, still uncomfortably cheerful about the chance to heckle Orochimaru. “What the _fuck_ did you think you were doing?”

“You mean Nidaime-sama hasn’t told you? My, dropping the _ball_ there, aren’t we?”

“Nuh-uh, I wanna hear it in _your_ words, bitchcakes,” Kanna says. “Come on.”

Nothing about this makes sense, but really, Kakashi isn’t sure _anything_ has in the last… two hours.

It’s been less than two hours.

“Did someone get the kids?” he asks, suddenly remembering that, oh yeah, that was a thing he was supposed to do.

“I sent a clone,” Kanna dismisses. “Back to snake-boy.”

“Do not call me that.”

“Then tell me what you were doing, dickwaffle,” Kanna mocks.

Kakashi leans away from the wall, snags Anko’s shoulder, and pulls her back to him. She’s shaking, just tiny little shudders all along her form, and she twitches in his arms when he wraps them around her. They subside as he tightens his hold, the kind of pressure he’d known would help, if only because of…

Well, his friendship with Tenzō extends to Anko these days. He’s had more than a few chances to learn. Waking up in the middle of the night to someone else’s nightmares is usually a good way of picking up that ‘solid hug from a trusted source results in a grounding sensation for the panicking person’ and similar.

“I heard of Konoha’s own miracles of late,” Orochimaru says, sounding for all the world like he’s indulging a small child. “So I took it upon myself to see if I could do the same. As is clear, I succeeded.”

“And, being yourself, you at no point considered that eye theft from _Nagato of Amegakure_ was a bad idea,” Kanna pokes.

“Well, what else was I supposed to do?”

“Not that,” Kanna says, and she’s not the only one. Tsunade is the loudest, and the most aggrieved.

“Literally _not that,”_ Tsunade says, as though repeating it will somehow emphasize the point in a way that won’t be immediately dismissed.

“I don’t see why not,” Orochimaru sniffs. “I didn’t die, and it’s not like the supposed taboo on bloodline theft has ever stopped me before.”

“It should have.”

“But it didn’t.”

“But it _should have.”_

“This is going nowhere,” Tobirama points out.

“I don’t know why you expected anything different,” Sakura tells him. “You know exactly what you’re dealing with. You _brought_ him here.”

Kakashi dips his head enough to press the bridge of his nose against Anko’s skull. “Why is this happening.”

Her fingers flex against his wrists, and she says, “because they’re all terrible.”

That’s true.

“Where _is_ the eye?” Hiruzen asks. “Among our many, _many_ questions, that is near the top. Where is the stolen Rinnegan?”

“Ask your precious Nidaime.”

“I swear, I am going to steal your vocal cords,” Kanna hisses at him.

“Do not,” Sakura says, putting a hand on her wife’s shoulders and pulling her away. “Seriously, why are you always _like_ this?”

“You know why.”

Kakashi whines low in his throat. The absurdism is really getting to him, he thinks. “Anko-san, I’m going to cry.”

“You do that,” Anko says.

“Into your _hair.”_

“Your point?”

Kakashi lifts his head just enough to drop it back onto Anko’s. “Today is not going how I wanted it to go.”

“No shit, Hatake. My evil teacher is back in town. _Nobody’s_ day is going how they planned.”

Kakashi has to concede that.

He repositions himself so it’s his chin that’s digging into Anko’s head—she pinches his arm until he stops—and lifts his hitai-ate. There’s a trick to this, the twist to his chakra that means Obito knows to _pay attention,_ but it still takes more effort than it would if this were… like… _actually_ his eye.

He thinks he feels the thread of connection as the Mangekyo whirls into existence.

(“Why the fuck _can’t_ you just toss it into Kamui?”)

(“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Obito, but this isn’t actually my eye, which means everything I do with it takes more chakra than it should. I will almost definitely pass out.”)

(“That’s not my problem.”)

(“And probably bleed, because it’s a Mangekyo.”)

(“That’s still not my problem.”)

(“Okay, but if I end up in the hospital, I’m telling Sakura who put me there.”)

(“…and you just made it my problem.”)

The action gets people’s attention, whether because they’re looking at him and see the Sharingan, or because they feel the chakra pulse as he peels back his eyelid and stares at the tableau before him.

“What are you doing?” Orochimaru asks, craning his head in a way that leads to some unpleasant cracking noises. He _has_ been turned towards the door on the other side of the room for some time, but Kakashi was rather under the impression that the man didn’t have bones.

He’s pretty sure someone told him Orochimaru didn’t have bones.

“I thought you didn’t have bones,” Kakashi says, because he wants an answer on that.

“I… do have bones,” Orochimaru says. “Who told you I don’t have bones?”

“Probably Kanna,” Kakashi says. It might have been Sakura. Or Tsunade? Or Kurama, even.

“Does my supposed lack of bones have to do with you unveiling your Sharingan?”

“Oh, no,” Kakashi says. “I’m just taking a picture.”

“With your Sharingan.”

“Yes.”

“Is this picture going in a photo album, perchance?”

“Yes, it’s titled ‘times my life made me cry because it was stupid instead of tragic.’”

“I hate,” Anko says, before Orochimaru can respond, “all of you.”

“You barely know me,” Tobirama points out.

“You brought Orochimaru back to Konoha, I hate you second-most out of the entire room.”

That’s fair, Kakashi thinks. Tobirama doesn’t even seem inclined to argue.

“Close that damn eye before you hurt yourself,” Kanna snaps at him.

“Why are you angry at _me?”_ Kakashi asks, even as he pulls his hitai-ate back down. If Obito hasn’t seen this nonsense, it’s his own fault.

“Because fuck you, that’s why.”

“You really have no imagination.”

 _“Alright,”_ Hiruzen says, before the situation can somehow magically devolve further. “Mitarashi, Hatake, you’re dismissed. Uzumaki Sakura, you are dismissed as well; Tsunade will be handling any medical care from here on out. Uzumaki Kanna, you… will speak with me in the hall for your duties in this regard going forward. Now, everyone out.”

“Including me?” Orochimaru asks, presumably just to be a bit of a bastard.

Kanna hisses at him again, garnering herself a look of shock and offense and a short accusation of _having learned the snake language_ , which is really just… just about what Kakashi could have expected out of a day like this.

He needs to sleep for a week just to get rid of the headache, and this once, it has nothing to do with chakra exhaustion.

\--

“You’re shitting me.”

“I wish.”

Obito takes the fat glass vial out of Kakashi’s hand and makes a face. It’s definitely the Rinnegan. “Wh—I mean, I guess it’s better than Zetsu, but _really?”_

Kakashi shrugs. “I don’t know what to tell you. Apparently, it’s a science ninja thing.”

“I’ve done surgeries and experimentation of my own, Kakashi, and this is—”

“Okay, but you’re not a _science ninja,”_ Kakashi insists. “You are a ninja who occasionally does science. It’s different.”

“How?” Obito demands, throwing his hands up in the air. “How in the fuck—”

“Obito!” Rin calls over from the couch. “Did you ever test something on yourself just to see what it would do? Do you spend hours poking at data sets because you actually like the numbers? Do you ever get so excited about an obscure chemical reaction that you shake someone? Would you do the science if you didn’t have to?”

He stares at her.

“Science ninjas are like Orochimaru, like Kanna, like… a decent number of the medics, honestly. Like Sasori, too. They’re a _different_ kind of crazy, Obito. Don’t try to understand them, just stay far away.”

“Fuuinjutsu counts,” Kakashi realizes. “Right, okay, _Kushina and Minato_ were science ninjas.”

Obito’s face twists up. “I don’t like any of this.”

“How do you think _I_ feel?” Kakashi runs a hand through his hair. “I had to deal with it in _person.”_

“Yes, but your casual emotional pain brings me joy,” Obito says. “Not the deep traumas, but this bullshit? You deserve _this_ bu—Rin!”

Rin holds up another shuriken. “Stop being mean.”

“But he—”

“I _will_ throw another one.”

“Could you not?” Kakashi asks, wandering over to the wall to pull out the first one. “You guys are going to make me lose my deposit.”

“I don’t care, Bakashi.”

“I’ll throw a pillow next time,” Rin promises. “Obito, stop being a jerk.”

“You throw things at Kakashi, too.”

“Yes, but you were the inciting incident this time, and also it’s _his apartment,_ so unless you’re planning to pay for repairs—”

“Kakuzu would kill me.”

“—then _be. Nice.”_ Rin holds up her book, hefting it to show it is indeed her next projectile. “Be nice anyway, but also for the sake of Kakashi’s apartment.”

“Or you could just stop throwing things,” Kakashi points out.

“Hush, I’m trying to make Obito back into a functional member of society.”

_“Rin!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent a long time debating if this chapter was too absurd to actually post. But, well, I've already written it, so...


	28. Haircuts Lead to Playground Evisceration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh, well, Sasuke fucked up. That's normal, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: casual minor violence, not-so-casual (but empty) threats of extreme violence, accidental invasion of privacy via chakra sensing, anxiety attacks/thought spirals for a non-POV character.
> 
> REFERENCES TO/MENTIONS OF: child/teen death, pregnancy (in the context of family planning), offscreen kink safety, (as a thing that is not on the table) daddy kink and related kinks, past child abuse (Karin/Kanna in Kusa and Oto).

“We’re going to need a new slogan,” Shisui whines.

Rin snorts. “That is nowhere near our biggest problem.”

“Okay but we can’t just be the dead teens club anymore. Tobirama’s, like, _old.”_

“Shisui.”

“Old as _balls.”_

“We don’t have to invite him,” Rin points out.

Kakashi does not look up from where he’s reading some trashy romance set in Ancient Wind Country. There are lots of wispy fabrics and incense. He’s pretty sure there is no historical accuracy to be found in this text, but there _is_ a threesome, according to the dust jacket. He’s looking forward to it.

Mostly, though, he’s enjoying the hammock that is currently strung up between a tree and the porch roof in the Uzumaki’s backyard. Kakashi does not have a hammock in his apartment. It’s a luxury. He’s enjoying it right now, because that early-autumn breeze is just… really nice.

Also, it’s woven. Like a net. Great way for the breeze to reach him at all angles instead of being blocked off where his body meets the fabric. He wants to steal it, but his landlord would probably threaten the security deposit again, and Kanna would gut him like a fish. Metaphorically, mostly, but possibly not.

“I’m just saying—” Shisui insists, from his position some ten feet over Kakashi’s head, sharing a branch with Rin.

“Don’t _say_ things,” Rin tells him. “The things that come out of your mouth give me headaches.”

“That’s rude,” Shisui says. “Rin, you’re _rude.”_

“Play nice,” Kakashi calls up at them. “You need to set a good example for the tiny humans.”

There’s an exaggerated scream from the backyard at that very moment, as Karin, Sasuke, and Sai burst a Naruto clone and take the real thing prisoner. Kakashi thinks that, last he checked, Ino and Chōji were on Naruto’s team, so there’s probably backup coming from that end in a minute or two. Shikamaru is asleep on the other hammock, with the kind of pinched look of someone who might not even want to _be_ asleep, but is too exhausted to stay up without a good reason.

“Can someone see if Shikamaru’s breathing?” Kakashi asks.

“He is.”

“Shisui, you didn’t even move.”

“You asked me to see. I have Sharingan. I saw. I can see him breathe and his veins moving. I see all, Hatake. My eyes are—ow, quit it!”

There’s a solid chance Rin is rolling her eyes right now. Death has made her sarcastic. Kakashi approves. “Why am I _friends_ with you?”

“Necromancy,” Shisui immediately answers. “Also, you have a soft spot for Cheery Uchiha Boys.”

Kakashi turns a page and pretends not to hear Karin screeching about betrayal as Sai throws her into the vegetable patch. Naruto’s laughing far, far too loudly. It’s in ‘crow of victory’ territory, which is just a _very_ worrying sign from an Uzumaki. The treachery is unintentional, he thinks.

“Did anyone set rules about Ino using her clan techniques?” Rin asks.

“No, I don’t think so.” Shisui’s more amused than anything. Kakashi decides that means he can deal with the consequences once they arise.

A glance up from the book reveals Sasuke tackling Sai with a yell about damaging the tomatoes. This is objectively hilarious, in Kakashi’s opinion, because the Sasuke of two years ago wouldn’t have dared show an extreme emotion over something that petty. He’d get violent, maybe, but not shouty.

“We should probably stop them before Karin murders Ino,” Shisui comments idly.

“You do it,” Kakashi says.

“But taichou—”

Rin pushes her fellow dead teen out of the tree.

The screech as Shisui falls is delightfully affected. There is no doubt in Kakashi’s mind that he could have caught himself, but Shisui is exactly the type of ninja to fall to the ground and bemoan his fate instead of just landing on his feet. Kakashi lets the complaints wash over him like hot water in an onsen. It’s just as calming.

“Chop chop,” he says. “There’s children attempting assassination of their fellows to apprehend.”

His sentence is punctured by the scream of one of said children. It’s more outraged than scared or pained, so he lets it slide. He’s… pretty sure that’s Ino.

“Oh damn, Sasuke’s about to cut all her hair off.”

Kakashi drops his book.

“He’s _what?”_

\--

So, it goes like this:

Kakashi panics.

It’s not that he thinks _any_ kunoichi would react poorly to having someone cut her hair in a fight. He’s heard people make that claim before, and it’s a bad one. _Most_ people are annoyed by the idea of their hair being damaged in a spar, and the people that react worst are, in general, just the people that care most about their appearance. There’s a _very_ slight tilt towards kunoichi, but it’s 60-40 at best.

Ino, however, cares about her appearance.

She cares a _lot._

And even her crush on Sasuke isn’t going to save the boy if he actually cuts her hair.

He gets there in time to stop the kunai before it goes through more than… well, okay, it actually goes through quite a few strands, but it’s a small enough section that it’s not really noticeable, and it’s in the middle of the part Ino usually pulls into a ponytail, so… it could have been worse.

“I am going to _kill you,”_ Ino hisses.

Sasuke stares at her. “It was a fight.”

“You cut my _hair!”_

Kakashi grabs her before she can actually gut her crush.

Sasuke is at least smart enough to take a few steps back and hide behind Sai.

Sai, meanwhile, is smart enough to step aside and shove Sasuke forward.

“Okay,” Kakashi says. “Let’s all calm down a bit. Ino, it wasn’t that much of your hair, can we downgrade the punishment from imminent slaughter to, say, being your assistant on a shopping expedition or something?”

“Excuse me?” Ino demands. “He _cut my hair!_ And I don’t shop _that_ much! What did you take me for, a _civilian?”_

A spoiled tween, mostly, but fair enough.

“Shopping expedition to a weapons shop?” He tries. “And he has to help you pick something?”

Ino turns to glare at Sasuke, who appears to be processing what kind of mess he’s dodged. He’d already _realized,_ but it’s probably sinking in now. “Maybe. Someone get me a mirror.”

Naruto goes to get a mirror.

“Does this mean you don’t have a crush on me anymore?” Sasuke asks, because he is, in fact, kind of a dumbass.

Shisui’s groan from somewhere out of Kakashi’s field of view only punctuates the question.

“Oh,” Ino says, low and dangerous. “I’m gonna crush _something_ alright.”

The funny part, Kakashi thinks, is that Chōji is right there, two steps away, and looking more _embarrassed_ than tense. The rest of the reactions are nervous or, in Karin’s case, unbearably smug—girl, _why—_ but Chōji looks like Ino’s making a scene in the middle of a dinner party with the Daimyou or something.

Well, they did grow up together.

Naruto arrives with a small hand mirror and shoves it into Ino’s hands. He stands back, fidgeting, as Ino pulls out her hair tie and starts twisting her head from side to side, examining the damage.

“Sasuke, you _moron,”_ Shisui hisses, having arrived at some point to ruffle Sasuke’s hair and, apparently, harass him for making bad decisions. “What made you think that was a good idea?”

“It’s just _hair!”_ Sasuke protests. He keeps it quiet, but not quiet enough.

“Oh, it’s just hair?” Ino demands, throwing the mirror for Naruto to catch and advancing on Sasuke. “Just? _Hair?”_

Sasuke steps back again, eyes wide. “What’s the big deal?”

Ino pulls out a kunai.

“Nope,” Kakashi says immediately, pulling it out of her hands. “Do not do this thing.”

She pulls out a shuriken.

 _“No,”_ Kakashi repeats, confiscating that as well.

Ino reaches for her weapons pouch again, and Kakashi just takes the entire thing off of her.

“We’re not eviscerating comrades for hair damage,” Kakashi tells her, though there’s a solid chance she was just planning on cutting _Sasuke’s_ hair. He pauses, considers, and then says, “or minorly insensitive comments.”

“Minorly?” Ino demands.

The lack of correction for ‘eviscerating’ should worry him.

“I mean, better he underestimate how much you value your hair than say something misogynistic,” Kakashi tells her. “If he ever tells you to, like, stay in the kitchen or something, you can gut him.”

Ino considers that. “Fair.”

Kakashi relaxes.

“I’m still going to _kick his ass,”_ she snarls, and throws herself into a full-body tackle that takes Sasuke down with a scream.

Kakashi groans.

\--

“How the _hell_ do you manage five kids all the time?” Kakashi asks. “I just _babysit_ for a few hours. There were six kids—well, seven, but Shikamaru fell asleep after an hour—and I had Shisui _and_ Rin with me, and I still only barely managed to keep Ino from slitting Sasuke’s throat.”

Sakura laughs at him.

“Karin suggested she go repair her friendship with Haruno-chan if she’s actually over Sasuke,” Kakashi says. What exits his body is not a moan of exhaustion, but it’s close. “Ino looked conflicted. Shikamaru woke up just in time to ask if this meant she’d stop being painfully gay about Haruno.”

Sakura laughs again, harder. It’s not at him this time. He takes the win for what it is.

“I don’t claim to understand what’s going on between Ino and Karin, but I think that entire interaction put Karin in the lead,” Kakashi concludes. “I asked Sai and they just stared at me and then left.”

“I’m sorry, I just…” Sakura trails off into breathless cackles. “Oh my _fuck,_ that’s hilarious.”

“I am _languishing,”_ Kakashi tells her. “I am _forsaken by the gods.”_

“Because you got pulled into some playground drama?” Sakura asks. She giggles again, and her pounding hand lands dangerously close to her drink. “Holy _shit,_ please tell me Sasuke’s not going to get murdered in class tomorrow.”

“At this point, that might be the _least_ terrible result,” Kakashi admits. “Ino knows a lot of poisons for an Academy student.”

“Oh, he’ll be fine,” Sakura dismisses, completely counter to the question she just asked. “Ino’s got a temper on her, but she’s smart enough not to hurt him, _especially_ if she’s planning on fixing her friendship with chibi-Saku. Nah, that girl’s just going to hold it over his head and scare him into compliance.”

“Charming.”

“Isn’t it just?” Sakura says, giving him a cheery smile. “Kids are hilarious. I can’t wait to have more.”

Kakashi chokes on his drink.

Sakura waits politely for him to recover, instead of pounding his back to ‘help’ and accidentally breaking his spine in the process. It’s never actually happened, but he confessed to the worry of it once. She’s held off since then. He’s grateful.

“You _what?”_ Kakashi croaks.

“I want more kids,” Sakura says, with a bemused smile. “I mean, we’ll give it a few more years, until all the kids have graduated from the Academy, and the whole world-is-ending thing is handled, but I do want to have a baby. Modern medicine means Kanna and I _can_ have a baby together, you know.”

“I… okay,” Kakashi says. “I mean, if anyone could do it, it would be the two of you, but… you already have _five kids._ You want _more?”_

Sakura shrugs. “I like kids. I can’t say I’ve dreamed about a huge family since I was a kid, and neither can Kanna, but… we like what we’ve got right now, and we’re young enough that nobody would look twice at us trying for another in a few years. Not exactly empty nest syndrome, you know? All the kids are legally youngers siblings anyway. I don’t have _children_ of my own, and I… want some. You know. Eventually.”

Kakashi tries to process that.

It’s not an entirely unfamiliar concept, but it’s not one he’s seen in people his age yet. Minato and Kushina, sure, but they were _adults._ Like, real, proper adults. Kakashi’s still not sure he’s an adult. He’s expecting _some_ people in his age group to give parenthood a go in a few years, but he hasn’t heard anyone planning this solidly.

Then again, maybe raising older kids makes it easier to know what a person is getting into.

(Minato had implied as much, once. He and Kushina had half-raised Kakashi after his father’s death, and that meant they’d planned for Naruto in a way that people hadn’t expected. Most of their friends had been Clan, and had been confused by the fact that Minato and Kushina had just… chosen to have children. No pressure to carry the line and have an heir, just… a choice.)

(Just a choice made of love, trust, and devotion to the idea of a family.)

“Which of you…” he tries to ask, not quite entirely sure what he’s asking.

“Oh, me, definitely,” Sakura says immediately. “Pregnancy is a complicated thing and I understand why a lot of people don’t want to go through it, and I’m much more comfortable with the idea than Kanna-chan is.”

Huh.

It’s something to thi—

“Y’all talking about the bio-babies plan?”

Kakashi cranes his head around until he sees Kanna herself walking into the kitchen behind them, arms laden down with grocery bags. He gives her a wave.

“Mm-hm!” Sakura gets up to give her wife a kiss hello. There’s a twist of chakra, and then Kurama is there.

“Here,” Kanna says, shoving the bags at the bijuu. “Sort these.”

“The hell do I look like, your maid?”

“Like someone that’s in the room, and previously spent the day sleeping,” Kanna tells him. “Go on, get.”

Kakashi snickers as Kanna goes to wash her hands in the kitchen sink, and Sakura drifts over to the stove to make another batch of tea. It’s quiet conversation for a minute, questions about where something is supposed to go or whether to leave out some meat to defrost floating between the redheads. Sakura makes her way back to the table with Kanna before Kurama is done, and slides into the seat next to Kakashi with a cheery smile.

He feels her ankle knock into his, and smiles back.

Kanna takes a place across the table, and says, “So I hear my little sister orchestrated a gay revolution.”

“You heard… what?” Kakashi asks. He tries to fit the pieces together. “Wait, you’re telling me Karin _planned_ all of that? Just so Ino would go back to being friends with Haruno?”

“I mean, I’ve only heard bits and piece, but it’s the vibe I’m getting,” she tells him. She follows it up with a shrug. “I want to say it’s not my business, but my kids have their handprints all over the damn mess, and it happened in my backyard, so I’m like… legally obligated to take interest.”

Sakura laughs so hard that her head crashes into Kakashi’s shoulder. He doesn’t push her away. Kanna just watches them, smirking even when Kurama lands in the chair next to her and grabs a tea of his own.

At length, Kakashi groans in defeat.

“Why the hell is that rivalry so _weird?”_ he asks. “Kanna, please tell me you were like this at her age and did the whole ‘subtle social manipulation war’ thing.”

“Not in the slightest,” Kanna says immediately. “That’s all on her.”

“Mm, Ino-chan’s rivalry with chibi-Saku wasn’t much like this either,” Sakura muses. “No, this is something new and special, just for them.”

“I hate,” Kakashi says.

“Hate what?” Sakura prompts.

 _“Everything,”_ Kakashi moans. “I don’t understand kids.”

“You do pretty well with them,” Sakura points out. “And they like you well enough.”

“Most of the kids I interact with are emotionally abused to the point where they drift towards anyone who gets what they’ve been through,” he mumbles. “Sai and Shin don’t have positive role models that get their background except me and Tenzō.”

“I think you missed the part where most of Naruto and Sai and Karin’s classmates are convinced you’re the coolest thing ever,” Sakura tells him. “Them calling you nii-san has bought them concerning amounts of social clout. The kids think you’re, and I quote, ‘a total badass.’”

“Karin’s been calling me a fake adult since the day she met me.”

“Karin’s a special case,” Sakura corrects. “Kanna?”

“Yeah, mini-me is kind of a nightmare,” Kanna says, once again with minimal hesitation. “Can’t wait for her to get old enough that I can stick her with ‘sterilize the bio-sample vials’ duty when she gets too snarky.”

“That’s… a punishment,” Kakashi says slowly. “Not one I’d pick, but I can see it. How does it relate to—”

“She’s snippy,” Sakura cuts him off. “And, well, you can imagine what it’s like, to meet your future self and realize ‘oh, I can _be_ that’ and all. So she picks up her cues from Kanna-chan, especially back at the beginning. Just sort of… picking up how to be confident and aggressive and acerbic despite being knocked down all those years? She leans into it whenever she can, and you? You’re _safe._ She can practice ways to be rude and bitchy towards grownups on you without having to worry about you going too hard with the punishments the way she would with, say, an Academy teacher or her friends’ parents. You’ll toss her in a river or make her run laps, but you won’t pick a fight with her guardians or make her do something that leaves her in tears.”

The sound of grinding teeth draws his attention from the other side of the table.

“She cussed out this one guy when we passed through Northern Wind, before we came to Konoha, and he put her in a goddamn _hell-viewing_ genjutsu,” Kanna snarls, fingers pale and tight around her tea. “So yeah. When her memories of the dangerous adults reacting to her learning how to stand up for herself includes shit like that…”

Kakashi doesn’t ask what kind of resistance Kanna met when she’d first started pushing boundaries.

She was Oto. He can guess.

“This is what they mean about you being someone the kids trust,” Kurama points out. “I know we’ve already said that, but apparently you need small words, and examples, and shit like that.”

Kanna elbows him in the shoulder, hard enough that he swears about it.

“Drink your damn tea,” she orders the bijuu.

“Bitch,” he hisses.

“Vixen,” she corrects, “as you _damn well know.”_

Sakura rolls her eyes and nudges Kakashi. “You’re good, right? That wasn’t too much?”

“I’m good,” he promises. “You?”

She ducks her head and looks up at him with raised brows. It’s an odd position, but he sort of gets the emotion she’s trying to convey. “Not sure I’m the one that needs that question.”

“You’re getting it anyway.”

She giggles. “I’m fine, of course. Life is going well, Kakashi-kun, and nothing about this conversation is really triggering for me. I’m a big girl, senpai, you don’t need to worry about me.”

Kakashi feels his face twist.

Sakura stops laughing. “Oh, no. What did I say?”

Kakashi tries to sort out the feelings in his brain. He doesn’t react that way to _Tenzō_ calling him senpai, but in this case…

Ah. Yeah. That would do it.

“Okay, so the whole… senpai thing with us,” he tries to explain, “I recently figured out that you were actually almost calling me ‘sensei’ on instinct way back when that started? I just misinterpreted, because I didn’t have context. And now it’s hitting a weird note because I just get… reminded. Of the whole… situation. Especially when you pair it with something like ‘I’m a big girl’ because that just…”

He can’t finish.

“I’m guessing,” Kanna says, when he trails off, “that you’ve never been the kind for daddy kink.”

Kakashi _feels_ his face twist up enough to show through the mask. “No, thank you.”

“And obviously, sensei/student and senpai/kohai roleplay isn’t—no, wait. Your chakra twitched. The first is a solid no, the second… I’m guessing fine with _other_ people?”

“Please stop reading my kinks like that,” Kakashi says. “It’s a little… creepy. And invasive.”

She grimaces. “Sorry. Instinct. It’s how Sakura and I…”

Kanna gestures vaguely with one hand, blushing.

“Instead of safewords?” Kakashi asks, not _entirely_ sure he wants to know. “Or…”

“More like in addition,” Sakura admits. “Sometimes there’s, um… well, chakra can be used to communicate if there are… ah… gags.”

“Convenient,” Kakashi says. He tries not to think about it in too much detail. He’s not in a relationship with either woman, so it’s a little rude to imagine anything. “I… genuinely do not know how many questions here are appropriate, so I’m just going to drink some more tea.”

Kurama snorts. “You and me both, pal.”

“Oh, shut up,” Kanna says, and there’s a soft thud below the table. “You just sleep through the whole thing.”

“Yeah, except when you get those tails out,” Kurama snaps.

Kakashi feels his face go redder.

“Anyway,” Sakura says brightly, “Kakashi and I were talking about plans for after Naruto graduates and we know the kids can more or less take care of themselves. Shin and Juugo might actually move out by then; I know Shin’s been talking about getting an apartment if he joins ANBU, and Juugo’s been looking into eventually moving out near the Zeroth training ground since a lot of the veterinary training happens there with all the biodiversity. Sai might move out with Shin, we’re not actually sure, and Karin and Naruto are sticking around for a bit after they graduate. Not sure for how long, of course, but two take up a lot less room than five.”

“At which point…” Kakashi tips his head at her stomach, and she beams.

“Means the kids won’t have whiskers,” Kurama comments.

Kakashi blinks at him. “What?”

“If a Jinchuuriki carries a kid to term, the kid ends up absorbing some features,” Kurama explains. “Mito’s kids ended up with red eyes, but everyone blamed that on whatever it was that Senju Tobirama had. Naruto got whiskers. Best I can tell by the amount of chakra Kanna lets through, she’d end up with whisker kids too.”

“Huh,” Kakashi says. Part of him thinks it’s a lost opportunity, because the whiskers are actually pretty cute.

“Naruto’s kids might end up with whiskers regardless,” Sakura says. “You know, when he gets that far. Apparently demonic interference can affect genetics, and as the child of a Jinchuuriki who then _became_ a Jinchuuriki, Naruto’s pretty primed for that to actually become a genetic element instead of an aesthetic congenital effect.”

Huh.

Kakashi’s not going to pretend to understand how genetics work, but, “That sounds suspiciously like an interesting way to develop new Kekkei Genkai.”

Sakura shrugs and smiles at him, eyes curving much like his own. “It does, doesn’t it?”

“Don’t be ominous,” Kanna says. “It’s doesn’t work for you.”

“Screw you, I can _totally_ be ominous if I want.”

Kanna’s look is doubt and pity and amusement all in one, and Sakura has no recourse but to pout.

Kurama catches Kakashi’s eye across the table. “Sickening, aren’t they?”

“Yeah.” Kakashi shrugs, and brings his tea up to his mouth. “In a good way, though.”

\--

A snake comes for him, small and dark, on his way back to his apartment. He takes a moment to confirm it’s Anko’s by scent, and then listens to the request.

It doesn’t take long to reach Tenzō’s apartment. The door isn’t locked, and Kakashi silently lets himself in.

They’re on the couch, not quite curled up together. Anko’s head is in Tenzō’s lap. Kakashi takes a moment to note the single half-empty bottle of beer in front of Anko, and the glass of sparkling cider that Tenzō’s got. The scent of alcohol is faint enough that they haven’t been drinking more than that. Good.

“How bad?” Kakashi asks. “And what do you need?”

Anko doesn’t open her eyes. “Grounding. I know you were busy today, but Kurenai’s out of town and you’re…”

“We both trust you,” Tenzō says. He presses his fingers into Anko’s scalp, a she makes a small noise and folds closer into him. His eyes are more hollow than usual. “Most of the people we know are a bit more… one or the other.”

“Okay,” Kakashi says. Grounding. He can do that. “Dogs?”

Anko shudders. “No.”

He won’t ask. He comes closer, moving slowly. “Want me to sit down?”

Anko abruptly levers herself up, looks blearily at Kakashi, and pats the spot between them. Kakashi shucks off his vest and drops into the seat, letting both of them press into him. Anko sprawls across his lap, and Tenzō burrows under his arm, and it would all be very cute if he didn’t know _why_ they needed this. He lets Anko grab his hand and dig her nails in hard enough that, if he wasn’t wearing gloves and long sleeves, she’d be drawing blood. Tenzō’s got a hand fisted in his shirt, the side of his face pressing so hard against Kakashi’s shoulder that there might be a bruise tomorrow.

Kakashi digs fingers into Tenzō’s hair and lets Anko keep squeezing his wrist. She’s trembling, and Tenzō’s breathing is too heavy to be anything other than deliberate.

“Do you want me to talk?” Kakashi asks.

“Please,” Tenzō says, and there’s a crack in his voice that Kakashi thinks he’s maybe been holding back for hours. Holding it _together_ for Anko’s sake. Neither of them are taking this well. “So—someone. Someone suggested that I take up a position as one of Orochimaru’s guards if he goes on parole, and someone else brought up Anko, and—Sandaime-sama shot them down. But. Not fast enough. He considered it.”

“Okay,” Kakashi says. He can do that. He can talk. “I have an update on Academy student melodrama. Ino might be contemplating murder in regards to one Uchiha Sasuke. He cut her hair during a backyard battle and she’s going to war about it, probably.”

He goes on for a while, lets himself be someone else’s rock, and tries to make sure he doesn’t get swept away in the current.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No joke, I have THOUGHTS for a KakaYamaAnko piece unrelated to this fic. Like. There are Dynamics To Explore here.


	29. In Which Tobirama Steals a Teenager or Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I hate every part of that. Why do all the fucked-up kids think I’m cool? I’m not cool. Gai is the only person who gets to think I’m cool. Everyone else should think I’m weird. I read porn in public. I’m late everywhere. Yesterday I forgot to eat until Rin told me I was legally obligated to eat a vegetable, or she was stealing my kidney for research.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: references to sexual activity, references to trauma and coping mechanisms, therapy, references to ANBU missions, yet more canonically traumatized teens, discussions of Orochimaru's relationships with his various students and experiments*, casual threats of violence, casual actual violence.
> 
> * pedagogical = relating to teachers or education  
> Please, please do not misread this word.

Kakashi stays the night. He doesn’t have any sex, but he does share their bed until morning. Apparently, he’s big and warm enough to be a grounding presence, the kind that Kakashi usually associates with Gai. He doesn’t get much sleep, just light naps in snatches of time, but it’s not like he minds. He doesn’t have to report for a mission until late tomorrow afternoon. He’ll have time to sleep after they’ve finished with the night terrors and are back on an even keel.

By morning, both of them are sleeping calmly enough that Kakashi thinks there’s minimal risk involved in climbing out of bed. He picks his way out between limbs, with a perhaps unnecessary use of chakra to keep his balance, and then takes care of ‘the morning ablutions,’ or whatever it is that fancy rich people call it. The other two are still asleep by the time he’s done, so he gets started on breakfast. Hopefully, the smell will wake them more kindly than anything else will.

A knock on the front door grabs his attention, and it takes a few moments to make sure nothing’s going to burn while he answers it.

“Hey,” Kurenai says quietly, letting him dash back to the stovetop. “Are they…”

“Bedroom,” Kakashi tells her. “You want some food? They said you were on a mission.”

She’s taken the time to freshen up, smelling like citrus shampoo and something vaguely minty, but he can’t smell any food on her.

“Sure,” she says. “How…”

Kakashi shrugs. “As well as they can be, with the situation. It’s hitting them hard, but… well, they have each other.”

“Substance use?”

“Minimal,” he says. “You wanna cut up some tomatoes? I’m doing a Northern breakfast. Lots of protein and fats.”

Kurenai gets up and rinses her hands, asks a few questions about where he found the cutting boards, and joins him.

“We need to talk,” she says, and Kakashi’s heart jumps in automatic response before he reminds himself that, hey, actually, _they’re not dating._

“What about?” Kakashi asks.

“I’ve been read into the time-travel thing.”

Oh.

Oh wow.

“Yeah,” Kurenai sighs. “It was a few days ago. I… actually need to talk to all three of you. It’s not really procedure to do it like this, but with everything being as tangled as it is, I’d like to make sure you know as a group since you’re all supporting each other already.”

“You’re taking over for Inoichi,” Kakashi guesses.

“For you three and a few others, yes,” Kurenai admits. She focuses on the food she’s cutting. “Part-time, but they figured a number of people would be more comfortable with me, personally, and it’s nice to have a constant in-village source of salary other than guard duty. I wasn’t planning on going back to the psych department, but I don’t hate it, and I care about you guys enough to adjust my plans. It’s not going to slow down my path to Jounin, so I’m not really taking any hits.”

“I honestly didn’t think they’d bring anyone else into it,” Kakashi admits. “But I guess it makes sense. There are enough people involved now that it’s going to require a… wider support system.”

Kurenai shrugs. “Seems like the main justification. I didn’t ask too much about the details. They did, uh… they did mention that Rin wasn’t the only dead member of your team to be… miraculously returned.”

“Ah. Yeah. Obito is…” he gestures vaguely. “Around.”

“And something about Uchiha Itachi.”

“Aa.”

“So, what are my chances of ending up with those two in my orbit, so to speak?”

“Higher than they publicly should be,” Kakashi says. “Pass me a plate?”

She does. “Do you want me to go wake up our idiots?”

“Yeah,” Kakashi says, trying to pass the eggs from pan to plate with minimal spillage. “I’ll set the table.”

It takes a few minutes for Anko and Tenzō to get out of bed and cleaned up enough to not taste their own breath with every bite. Kurenai made the coffee when Kakashi wasn’t looking, and she explains with a little more detail while the other two eat.

“You don’t have to answer now,” she assures them. “I’m not going to pressure you, obviously, and I ask that you not pressure any of the others, but the option is on the table. You can switch from Inoichi to me as your main point of psychological treatment, and just go to him for some of the regular assessments. Group or… well, couples therapy, for you two, is something we can do if it would make you feel better. There’s a whole lot going on, and obviously a lot of it is… heavy.”

“Fucked up,” Anko says. “It’s fucked up.”

Kurenai shrugs, just a little helplessly. “I’m not going to argue that.”

“Can I have a bit longer to think about it?” Tenzō asks. “I… don’t know you quite as well as Kakashi and Anko do. Um. That is—”

“We can do a test session,” Kurenai says. “And you can decide afterwards.”

“That sounds good,” Yamato says, visibly relaxing. He picks at his eggs, not quite meeting her eyes. “I’ll… yeah. I can schedule through ANBU still, right?”

“You can.”

“I’ll take care of it later, then,” he says. “Anko?”

“I’d rather talk to my best friend than to Inoichi,” she says. “Not that I don’t trust him, but he’s my boss. Both options are, uh… what’s the phrase, ethically questionable? Not recommended for the potential tangling of professional and personal relationships? Whatever. Point is, both options are kinda messy, but one of them makes me a lot more comfortable than the other.”

“Glad to hear it,” Kurenai says. “Kakashi, you… don’t have to—”

“Oh, I’m going to,” he says. “And you can’t stop me.”

Kurenai palms her face. “I don’t—what? Why would I _stop_ you?”

“Reasons.”

“That’s not an _answer,_ Kakashi.”

\--

Kakashi tries to drift through life.

It’s not _technically_ what he usually does, except it kind of is. He’d spent almost eight years in ANBU, taking mission after mission after mission, and he’d hated it in some ways, and been grateful for it in others. Mostly, though, it had been comfortable and easy, and so he’d let things happen as they would. It took his mind off of things he’d rather not think about, and exhausted him enough that sometimes he could even get a full nights’ sleep. Kurenai had started breaking him of that, enough to occasionally spend time with friends beyond training, if only for Tenzō’s sake. Then the Uzumaki had shown up and dragged him into the twisted whirlpool of nonsense and pre-adolescents that made up _their_ lives, and Kakashi just… well.

Kakashi is _still_ drifting through life, in some ways, but now the things battering him around are a little less ‘ethically questionable missions for the sake of Konoha,’ and a little more ‘absurd bullshit coming out of nowhere and completely upending any understanding he has of the nature of reality.’

The latter is a lot more entertaining, and ultimately better for his mental health. It comes as a package deal with unambiguously good things like ‘spend time with Naruto’ and ‘get Obito back,’ so he’d have taken it no matter what, but he knows it’s also a massive pain in the ass in many ways.

At the end of the day, though, it’s nice to do things that are familiar.

“MY ETERNAL RIVAL!”

“Hm? Oh, hey. Didn’t see you there.”

“YOU ARE SO HIP! SO COOL! BUT MY YOUTH SHALL PREVAIL!”

He’s really laying it on thick today. Kakashi smiles behind his mask and turns a page. “That’s nice.”

“My rival!” Gai lets his voice drop to a more normal decibel as he draws near. Kakashi appreciates it. “I challenge you to a battle of bukijutsu!”

Ooh. That could be interesting.

“Any specifics?” Kakashi asks, tucking his book away and flexing his hands. “I haven’t done bō staff in a while.”

Gai grins, blinding and bright, and gives Kakashi a thumbs up. “Yosh! I agree to your terms!”

“They weren’t really terms.”

“Do you have your weapon at hand, or shall we acquire one from the quartermaster?”

Kakashi shrugs and checks his scroll. There’s a possible… oh! The slot’s not empty.

He puts the scroll back in place and turns the staff around in his hands a few times. It’s a solid weight, and not wholly unfamiliar. He slides into position easily, and tilts his head with an eye smile when he notices that Gai has his own weapon out and held almost deceptively loosely at his side. “Ready when you are.”

The initial clash is quick, but neither of them really wants it to end. Kakashi’s marginally faster if Gai keeps his weights on, but Gai is just _better at this._ He keeps Kakashi on the defense, for the most part, and he… well, he goes easy, once it becomes clear that Kakashi’s spent so long away from this weapon that he forgot some things. They spar for a few hours, and by the time they’re done, Kakashi thinks he can confidently say that he’s brushed up on his skills with a bō staff. Not enough to win in a fight with a high-level specialist unless he actually does, like, _other_ things, but good. Solid.

It ends with Kakashi on his back, Gai straddling his chest with a knee on each of Kakashi’s palms, and a staff pressing into his neck. Kakashi’s own staff is somewhere… away. Gai disarmed him a few minutes ago, and the unspoken rules meant Kakashi could only dodge until he relocated it. He had not relocated it.

“The win goes to me!” Gai proclaims, teeth sparkling in the sunlight. There’s a heavy sheen of sweat across his body, though he’s likely much less tired than Kakashi is. Kakashi’s got a little thing called ‘chronically low body temperature’ to deal with, and doesn’t sweat quite as much as he should. It’s still exertion, so sweat _happens,_ but it’s… not as much as people would expect, given how heavily he dresses, and how long they just fought.

“Treat you to dinner?” Kakashi offers, coughing when Gai pulls him to his feet. He rubs at his throat, grimacing, and only barely notices the thrown staff in time to catch it. He blinks, processes that Gai must have gone and found it while Kakashi was trying to handle the ‘it feels like my trachea is in the wrong position’ issue, and shrugs. He seals it away and starts in on cooldown stretches before he forgets and, like, fucks up his body entirely.

“Udon?” Gai suggests. “Ah, the Harumi Udon-ya has a new flavor of curry udon I’ve been meaning to try!”

“Sure,” Kakashi agrees easily. “I’m down. My apartment is on the way, if you want to grab a shower. I know I need one.”

(Minimal sweat or not, they _did_ just spend over three hours sparring.)

“Ah,” Gai says, and lifts up a lock of hair that is utterly soaked, and also somewhat covered in dirt from one of the few moments Kakashi managed to get a hit hard enough for Gai to roll on the ground for a moment. “Perhaps that would be… wise.”

“Mm-hm.”

“I don’t think we’d be allowed into the Harumi restaurant as we are,” Gai admits.

“This is true.”

It’s a few more minutes of stretching and ‘hope my body doesn’t hate me in a few hours’ before Kakashi starts walking towards his apartment. He trusts Gai to fall into step. It doesn’t take long, and Kakashi lets himself relax.

There are actually a number of comrades he trusts to have his back, but Gai is among the ones that he trusts to be _able_ to back that up as a shinobi, and also has absolutely no reservations about as a person. He has no worries about conflicting loyalties or unexpected triggers or an inability to work with the ninken. Kakashi trusts Gai implicitly, and walking through Konoha at his side is among the most freeing sensations in the world.

They shower quickly, and Kakashi isn’t afraid to admit to having spare green jumpsuits in his apartment. They’re cleaned up and ready to go in about ten minutes, because Kakashi only has the one cramped shower, and they don’t feel like sharing that small of a space. Then it’s back on the streets, on the way to the restaurant, hair still dripping.

“You look like a drowned cat, Kakashi.”

There is no guilt in driving an elbow into Gai’s ribs. None.

“It’s not a bad thing!”

Kakashi shakes his head like a dog, _just_ in the right way to get Gai wet, and nobody else.

“Now that’s just rude.”

Turning a page, Kakashi says nothing.

“Kakashi.”

He looks up, blinks and then casually plants a hand on Gai’s shoulder.

It takes about a second and a half to hop up and twist around into sitting on Gai’s shoulders.

“Onward, my noble steed.”

“Kakashi,” Gai says, long-suffering. “I appreciate your sense of humor, but now you need to change your pants.”

Kakashi looks down.

Ah.

Yes, Gai’s hair _is_ still wet enough to make it look like Kakashi had an unfortunate accident.

“Back to the apartment, then,” Kakashi sighs, knocking his heels against Gai’s vest. “Chop chop.”

Gai hesitates, and then starts sprinting. It’s not pleasant.

Well, Kakashi did technically ask for it.

\--

Ostensibly, Kakashi does not know the future. For one thing, he’s not _from_ the future, and for another thing, the people who _are_ from the future have no idea what’s going on anymore. Nonetheless, Kakashi’s ANBU teams sometimes seem to be under the impression that he knows everything, future included.

He does not.

That said, he _is_ pretty good at meeting Various Bullshit head on without showing how tired he is of it, or even _being_ surprised. It’s not actually hard to hide one’s astonishment when the internal emotion is more along the lines of “shinobi life is already so sage-damn weird, this might as well happen.” These days, of the people he regularly runs missions with, only Tenzō and Genma have that.

Basically, Kakashi’s just a tired old man, in his heart, and this means his baby ANBU are still in awe of him.

“Okay,” Kakashi says. He’s emotionally exhausted already. “Run me through your logic.”

A smile. Glinting glasses. A silvery ponytail lightly waving in the wind. “I am loyal to Orochimaru-sama. Akasuna no Sasori has realized this and is attempting to kill me as an information leak. I wish to defect back to Konoha.”

“Terrible,” Kakashi declares. He wants nothing to do with this. He’s going to have to deal with it anyway. It’s absolutely not fair. “Why did you defect in the first place? What drew you to Orochimaru?”

“We were in ROOT concurrently. He was supposed to kill me. He did not.”

“Fucking delightful,” Kakashi says. Of course it goes back to Danzō. What _doesn’t?_ “I hate every word you’ve told me today.”

“That’s fair.”

“You’re like. Twelve.”

“I’m sixteen, sir.”

“That’s basically twelve.”

“It’s really not.”

Kakashi grimaces behind his masks. This is not how ANBU missions usually go. They’d already _finished_ the mission, they weren’t supposed to pick up a snakey tagalong on the way back. “What are you even _doing_ in this part of the country?”

“Hiding.”

Valid. Annoyingly so.

“Disgusting,” he says instead. “I don’t like this, but also, you’re a child or something—”

“I’m sixteen.”

“—so I’m not supposed to just kill you and move on,” Kakashi says. One of his baby ANBU makes a noise that he can’t quite read. It might be ‘but I wanted to stab something!’ as easily as ‘oh thank fuck, I didn’t want to kill a teenager’ or even, and he’s placing his bets on this option, ‘why the fuck is this kid so creepy get him _away from me.’_

“Alright,” Kakashi says, waving a hand in the vague direction of the teenager that is giving him the headache of the week. “Quail, you… deal with him.”

“Sir?”

Kakashi looks over at the ANBU in the bird mask. It’s their first mission with Kakashi and he’s… not very impressed. “Chakra suppression and heavy-duty cuffs, let’s go.”

“But…” Quail trails off, looking at the kid. “Heavy-duty?”

“I’ve been warned about him,” Kakashi says. He has. Extensively. “And, I’ll be honest, I have no faith in Orochimaru _not_ having done something to take away his bones.”

“What is it with you and Orochimaru’s bones?” Badger asks.

“He shouldn’t have any.”

“That’s not…” Badger trails off and shakes his head. “Never mind. I don’t want to know. The kid looks like he has bones, but even if he didn’t—”

“I do,” the kid volunteers.

“I don’t believe you,” Kakashi tells him.

 _“Even if he didn’t,”_ Badger stresses, “What would the heavy-duty cuffs even do?”

Kakashi stares at him, silent as the grave, until Quail hesitantly announces that they’ve finished up with the whole ‘trussing up a captive’ thing.

“You know,” Sturgeon says, dropping out of the tree she’d been keeping watch from, “I’d say you’re picking up that ‘collecting wayward children’ habit from your friends.”

“Please never suggest such a thing again,” Kakashi tells her.

They head out.

\--

“Oh,” Kanna says, the second she enters the room. “It’s _this_ motherfucker.”

Kabuto blinks at her and tilts his head. “Do I know you?”

She smiles. It is, as per usual, not a very nice smile. “No, but I know you. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.”

“He’s here for Orochimaru,” the Sandaime says. “Which I assume you’re not surprised about.”

Kanna shrugs. “Shit happens.”

“That’s not an answer.”

Kanna dips her head just enough to look at him over her glasses. Kakashi knows it’s for effect, because this woman is _myopic as hell,_ and looking at someone over her glasses just makes them blurry. Reading glasses, they are not.

“You are very irreverent,” Kabuto notes.

“Eat shit,” Kanna tells him. She turns to the Sandaime. “So, what’s up? I ain’t got anything you can’t learn from Danzō’s records.”

“He’ll be working for you.”

_“Why?”_

“Ah,” Kabuto says, entirely genial. “I see it will take some time to build up trust.”

“Now would be a great time to stop talking,” Kakashi tells him. “Five minutes ago would have been better.”

“She wasn’t even here five minutes ago.”

“And yet,” Kakashi says. He tries to make it pointed. He’s not sure it works. He’s got two masks on his face, and at least one of them is doing its job.

He shifts his attention enough to focus in on Kanna and the Sandaime for a bit, watching as they stare each other down, and then Kanna breaks.

“I can’t promise that I can stop Anko from trying to kill him on sight,” Kanna says.

“Mm,” the Sandaime says, eyes on Kabuto. “I don’t expect it to be a problem.”

Kabuto tilts his head, pleasant and polite. It would even look real, if not for the whole… situation. “I beg your pardon?”

“I do recall the events of two years ago,” the Sandaime says. “You’re very good at dodging.”

Kakashi blinks. Well, that does say something. He’s not sure if it _explains_ anything, but it certainly says something.

“He came here for Orochimaru,” Kanna reminds him, “so what’s the play on _that?_ I’m not playing the game until I have all the rules.”

The Sandaime looks so very tired. Kakashi only sort of pities him. Half of the problems that Hiruzen has to deal with wouldn’t exist if he’d just… not let Danzō do things.

Kakashi doesn’t slouch, but he really, really wants to.

“Supervised visits,” Hiruzen says. He makes a face. “I would not call the dynamic _parental,_ precisely, but…”

“Yeah, no, I know,” Kanna dismisses. “Weird pedagogical piety, I got it.”

Kabuto’s face doesn’t twitch at _all,_ but Kakashi thinks he’s a little annoyed at Kanna boiling the… _whatever_ it is down to something so short and simple.

“Fine,” Kanna says. “I’ll take him for now, _I guess._ He staying with ANBU or what?”

“Tobirama offered to house him.”

“…you know what? I don’t care,” Kanna decides. “I deeply, truly cannot care. Yakushi, you’re in at 9 AM. Lab 4C. If you skip the fume hoods, I’m kicking you out on your ass.”

“Ah. Understood…” the way he trails off is significant. Fishing for a name—

“Don’t pretend you don’t know.”

—kind of.

“Uzumaki-san,” Kabuto says, still as pleasant as five seconds ago. “I look forward to working with you.”

“Ugh, you _mean_ it,” she says. Kakashi wonders if it would be a good idea to tell her that her face is going to stick like that if she keeps making that expression. Probably not. “Whatever. Hokage-sama?”

“Please leave.”

She rolls her eyes, bows in a way that isn’t _actually_ mocking in any way, but sure feels like it is, and then whirls around and leaves.

Kakashi turns to Kabuto, smiles even though the boy can’t see it, and says, “you’re fucked, kid.”

He gets a blink in return. “I rather think it’s going to be entertaining.”

Oh good.

Konoha’s going to burn to the ground, isn’t it?

\--

Kakashi has acquired a stalker.

Well, no. Not really. It’s complicated.

Okay so. It’s like this:

Kabuto is a creepy little shit on the best of days. Kakashi, like most people who have to deal with him, is aware of this. It’s hard not to be. Apparently, the kid _used_ to be good at Faking Normal and Being Friendly, but he doesn’t care enough to try anymore. Everyone _knows_ the kid is loyal to Orochimaru. Since nobody’s going to trust him anyway, he just has his fun freaking them out instead.

The kid is also _staying with Tobirama_ for some Sage-forsaken reason, and Tobirama is… uh…

Kakashi doesn’t want to talk shit about a Hokage. But. Like.

Of all the Hokage, past, present, and future, Tobirama is undoubtedly the creepiest one.

So that’s… happening.

None of that would be a problem, necessarily, except Shisui exists. And is alive. And doing things.

Shisui is really, _really_ invested in learning Fancy Fast Fuckery from Tobirama.

Tobirama is, in turn, pretty open to teaching Kagami’s descendant how to be extra terrifying.

Ostensibly, these are good things. Konoha will objectively benefit. If Shisui gets faster, he’ll be more effective on missions. If Tobirama gets more time with the current generation, he’ll be more mentally healthy in the long run. If they practice publicly, they get people used to them being alive again, and boost the village’s reputation.

 _However,_ Shisui is Kakashi’s friend.

Also, with the whole ‘dead for two years’ situation, Shisui and Kabuto are more or less the same age now.

Also also, Kabuto is living with Tobirama, who’s personally training Shisui.

All this to say, Kakashi ends up spending a lot of time keeping an eye on Kabuto when Tobirama’s out teaching Shisui how to be Scary Fast, and Kabuto _already_ has a minor interest in Kakashi after the whole ‘wow, I cannot care less but also you irritate the hell out of me’ nonsense that was their first interaction.

“Please stop following me.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Hatake-san.”

Hell. This kid.

“Do you not have anything better to do?”

Kabuto tilts his head. His glasses flash. It’s irritating. “Uzumaki-sama gave me the day off.”

When the fuck did Kanna—no. He’s not going to ask. Her putting the fear of unnamed deities into Kabuto is outside of Kakashi’s purview. The kid upgraded her to ‘-sama’ and it is _emphatically_ not Kakashi’s problem. It’s not.

“And there’s no one else—”

“Anko-senpai said she was going to drag me to therapy if she saw me again,” Kabuto says. “I’ve been told to avoid her.”

“By who?”

“Orochimaru-sama.”

Of course.

“I’d have thought she’d try to gut you,” Kakashi notes.

“She did,” Kabuto admits. “And then someone mentioned I was former Root. She thinks she has to refurbish me. I don’t know why.”

Outside of his purview. _So_ not his problem. Nope.

“Refurbish?” He asks anyway, more or less despite himself. He doesn’t want to know, but like. What.

Kabuto shrugs. “That was the word she used, yes.”

Kabuto’s parole is not Kakashi’s problem. It is the _furthest thing_ from his responsibility. It’s all being handled by Tobirama, for some unfathomable reason. Probably a science ninja thing. Kakashi _hopes_ it’s a science ninja thing. If it’s a science ninja thing, then nobody’s going to ask him to poke his head in.

…Anko isn’t a science ninja, but she’s a whole lot closer to that entire frame of bullshit than he is. She’s definitely more willing to spend time helping Kabuto be a person again. Kakashi isn’t qualified for this, or willing.

And yet.

He’s stuck with babysitting duty.

(He understands why Kabuto’s not allowed anywhere near Kanna’s kids, but he’s allowed to mope about Kanna and Sakura not doing this, and Kakashi not getting to hang out with his army of brats as often as he’d like.)

“Your entire existence is a confounding, concerning, and condolence-inducing mess,” Kakashi tells the kid. “I want nothing to do with it.”

“That’s unfortunate,” Kabuto says. He’s smiling. “It appears that I am regularly being put in your care.”

“I know,” Kakashi says, keeping his tone even. “I hate everything about it.”

“Do you find me creepy?”

“Very.”

“Ah.”

“You’re both creepy, get over it.”

Kakashi looks up just in time to catch a package being lobbed at his head. It’s dango, the savory kind. He quirks a brow and looks at the person who threw it. “Went shopping?”

“I just finished a twelve-hour shift,” Rin tells him, voice dry. She turns. “Yakushi, I didn’t know what you like, so I got you some Pocky.”

Kabuto catches the box, blinking. “Thank you.”

Rin squints at him. “Shisui was right. You _are_ a creepy little thing.”

“I think I’m older than you,” Kabuto says. He smiles. “Technically.”

“Death is weird, ergo you’re wrong,” Rin says. She takes a vicious bite out of her… seaweed-flavored bacon crisps? What?

Rin, why.

“I’m _definitely_ taller,” Kabuto says, and Rin stares at him.

She steps forward, passes her snack bag to Kakashi, and then lunges for Kabuto.

Kakashi isn’t sure if the second-in-snake-command holds back or is just that surprised, but the end result is the same. Rin gets Kabuto in a headlock under her arm and digs her knuckles into his head. Kakashi doesn’t interfere. This is even less his problem then Kabuto’s parole. If he tells himself it’s out of his jurisdiction enough times, he might start to believe it. Even if he doesn’t, though, this falls under the ‘teenage roughhousing’ that’s typical of shinobi, so he doesn’t have to get involved.

“What are they doing?”

Kakashi looks over at Shisui and Tobirama, shrugs, and then looks back at where Rin has found herself in a full nelson. The situation escalates into a full spar.

“Having fun, probably,” Kakashi says. “There’s no blades or chakra involved yet, so I’m not worried.”

“Have they met before?” Tobirama asks.

“Almost definitely not,” Kakashi says. “Kabuto’s been out of T&I, what, a week?”

There’s a strangled yelp as Rin shoves Kabuto’s face in the dirt and tells him to beg for mercy.

“So she just… hm.” Tobirama considers it. “The dragon, probably.”[1]

“Dragon?” Shisui asks. Kakashi tilts his head and looks at Tobirama with that same question in his eyes.

“You weren’t there,” Tobirama says, vague enough to mean absolutely nothing unless one knew about the details of just what these souls had been through. “I was awake enough.”

“Disturbing?” Kakashi asks.

“Very,” Tobirama confirms. “I know he’s a better fighter than this, so he must find it entertaining.”

“Right,” Kakashi says. “About that. Shisui, did you really tell Rin that Kabuto was, and I quote, ‘a creepy little thing’ or something to that effect?”

“He did!” Rin calls over.

“Did not,” Shisui protests. “I told her Kabuto was a terrifying creature from my nightmares that only sought to scare the living daylights out of me and anyone else who ran into him without warning.”

Kakashi stares at him.

Tobirama stares at him.

Kabuto stares at him.

Rin does not stare at him, because Rin is busy grabbing a glob of mud to shove down Kabuto’s shirt.

“Okay, no,” Shisui says, and in a fraction of a second, he’s got Rin under his arm and away from the other medic. “What the hell? You’re, like, an old lady compared to him. I know you’re as short as a five-year-old, but that doesn’t mean you have _act_ like one.”

“Your kneecaps are mine,” Rin promises.

“Horrifying, thank you,” Shisui tells her. “Seriously, though, that wasn’t even a spar, you just… wait.”

“I’m waiting.”

“When’s the last time you slept?”

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to, Shisui-kun.”

Kakashi takes a bite of his dango and wonders how long it’s going to be before things get anything close to normal again.

“I heard something interesting yesterday,” Tobirama says, sitting down next to Kakashi to keep an eye on the wailing, bickering group of teenagers. “Not from Kabuto directly, but he more or less confirmed it, afterwards."

“I feel like I’m going to hate whatever the next words out of your mouth are,” Kakashi says.

“Apparently,” Tobirama says, and there isn’t a _hint_ in his voice or face or body language to suggest he’s laughing at Kakashi’s misfortune, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t. “He thinks you’re ‘cool’ and are his preferred oversight for when I’m busy and he isn’t at the labs.”

“I was right,” Kakashi says. “I hate every part of that. Why do all the fucked-up kids think I’m cool? I’m not cool. Gai is the only person who gets to think I’m cool. Everyone else should think I’m weird. I read porn in public. I’m late everywhere. Yesterday I forgot to eat until Rin told me I was legally obligated to eat a vegetable, or she was stealing my kidney for research.”

“What kind of research?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t ask. She just said I wouldn’t notice since I have a spare,” Kakashi complains. “She didn’t mean it. She’s a good medic, but she’s not the right shade of crazy for a science ninja. Yet. Probably. I don’t know, she’s a zombie, things are weird. Still, I’m not cool.”

“Science ninja?” Tobirama questions.

“You know, you and Kabuto and Kanna and Orochimaru,” Kakashi dismisses. “Science ninjas.”

“I see.” He obviously doesn’t. “Regardless, my… new ward, I suppose, does happen to hold a high opinion of you.”

“You might have to fight Orochimaru for him,” Kakashi says.

“Joint custody,” Tobirama says. He makes no indication that it is a joke. Kakashi’s not sure if it is.

“You’ll still have to fight Orochimaru for him.”

Tobirama looks at Kakashi. “That’s a fight I can win, Hatake-san.”

“Kabuto will also probably object.”

“You’d think so.”

There’s a childish shriek from the teenagers, and Kakashi cranes his head for a moment to confirm what’s going on. Kabuto is menacing Shisui with some snakes while Rin laughs at the both of them. Shisui’s decided to hide behind her as he bemoans his fate, and Kabuto… is smiling.

Pleasantly.

Like always.

“Why does Shisui keep thinking that hiding behind Rin will work?” Kakashi mutters. “It never works.”

“Because she’s only a chuunin?” Tobirama asks mildly.

“Because she’s five feet tall and would sell him to a bijuu for a single corn chip,” Kakashi corrects.

“Only because she knows they’d send him back.”

Kakashi looks over at the former Hokage. There’s an amused smile on the undead man’s face. “Aren’t you supposed to be nicer to your students?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be more high-strung?”

Kakashi tilts his head. “You know, you’re _much_ more sarcastic than I expected.”

“I’m not fighting a war _or_ a head of state anymore,” Tobirama points out. “I don’t have to ride herd on Hiruzen or Tsunade the way I did with Hashirama. Do you have any idea what the last time I had so few responsibilities was?”

“…infancy?”

“As good as,” Tobirama grunts. “I am _old._ I am _tired._ I have _been dead._ I am going to retire.”

“I _literally_ heard you contemplating taking on a team because you were bored of staying in Konoha the other day,” Kakashi says. “You’re also back in your prime, right?”

“No one asked you, Hatake,” Tobirama sniffs. “And I can’t retire entirely, I’d go _mad,_ but I refuse to go back to the level of political responsibility I had before. Occasional advisor, a teacher, perhaps a managing role in the research and development department, but there are younger people more suited to this world and this government than myself. I will fight as needed, but I already helped build the foundations of this village. I refuse to _keep running it.”_

“Then you can’t really call it retirement,” Kakashi says, in what he thinks is a reasonable tone.

Tobirama eyes him for a few seconds. Kakashi wonders if he needs glasses.

“I now understand why Uzumaki keeps threatening to eviscerate you.”

“Rude.”

Kakashi never finds out what Tobirama’s response is, because Shisui is shrieking again.

_“Oh my god don’t swallow the snake that’s so disturbing, what the fuck what the fuck what the f—”_

Kakashi sighs and gets to his feet.

Time to interfere, apparently.

* * *

[1] Upon rereading, I realized that this reference isn’t 100% clear. When Tobirama mentions a ‘dragon,’ he’s talking about how Kabuto upgraded to Freaky Snake Monster With A Serpent Sprouting From His Abs. Kabuto had declared this transformation a metaphorical transition from ‘snake’ to ‘dragon’ due to elements of Japanese folklore and wordplay. The wiki page for Kabuto has more information. Tobirama underwent Edo Tensei shortly afterwards, and worked with Kabuto intermittently in the fic’s ambiguous half-decade of Fourth War.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What I write: science ninja  
> What I think: Spark. That ninja is a Spark.
> 
> Anyway, Shisui is very 'gotta go fast' and Tobirama basically invented Modern Fast Fuckery and since Shisui is the descendant of Tobirama's Favorite Uchiha, I had to do a thing.
> 
> (I keep putting off Gai... I love him so much but he's so hard to write...)


	30. This Party is Just an Excuse to Break Asuma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which many things happen, but mostly we just break Asuma's brain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is about twice as long as usual, so please know that these warnings are scattered across two chapter's worth of content. The majority of the sexual references happen during a party scene like the one in Chapter Ten, with the same general air. But don't worry, there's plot.
> 
> WARNINGS: minor dissociation (first scene), discussion of Orochimaru's bones, references to past sexual activity, discussion of Orochimaru's past crimes, non-graphic minor injury, Very Bad Lab Safety, alcohol use, references to ongoing sexual activity, off-screen poisoning, implied sexual acts, minor body modification (I don't consider it body horror?), references to past medical procedures to treat a cancerous growth, references to genitalia and fantasy-style genital differences, aaaaaaand THEN we get to Breaking Asuma's Brain (which is not sexual in nature, just 'yeah, shit's wild.')

“How’s he doing?”

“Well, Hana thinks he’s great, and the puppies love him. The favor paid off.”

Tsume tosses Kakashi a scroll, and a quick pass shows… nothing useful to him. Into the donation pile it goes.

“And here I am, incurring another,” Kakashi sighs.

“Does it count as a favor if I’m the one that bullied you into it?” Tsume asks. She makes a curious noise. “Sword.”

“Quality?”

“Bit chipped in two places, no rust.”

“Maybe.”

She lays it down into the appropriate section of the room.

“Any interesting specifics?” Kakashi asks, pulling out a decorative shoji screen covered in tiny seals in every slightly-hidden surface. It’s probably older than his grandfather. It’s probably an heirloom from generations back, if he’s identifying these seals correctly. It’s in perfect condition.

Dammit. That means he has to keep it.

He doesn’t even _like_ cranes.

“He’s one of the only male students we’ve ever had that _didn’t_ show signs of disgust at being taught how to handle pregnant or birthing animals,” Tsume says, voice full of nothing but raw amusement. “I’ve seen the vets kick dozens of asses for thinking ob/gyn for animals is somehow more gross than other medical stuff, including half the girls that come through, but your brat was just worried about the poor mare being uncomfortable from the filly that was kicking around inside.”

“Was it actually kicking around?”

“I wasn’t there, but apparently. Book on smithing?”

“Keep.”

“Book on Land of Iron history?”

“…that one’s a maybe,” Kakashi decides. “Pass me the box of—yeah, those. Thanks.”

“At least the walls are solid,” Tsume mutters. She knocks on a few shelves; they’re dusty, but sturdy, and Kakashi feels a little twinge of pride he doesn’t deserve at the fact that the house has held up so well. “I’m going to start on the next room.”

“Don’t,” Kakashi says, and the look she sends him is… well. Not _annoyed,_ exactly, but challenging. “It’s my father’s study. There are a lot of traps that will go off if I don’t go through first. Clan things.”

She nods. “Bedroom’s clean?”

“Yeah. Those were externally warded, easy enough to take down by a Hatake,” Kakashi assures her. “Should be fine.”

Tsume leaves then, goes to dig around the next room for things that can be more easily sorted before Kakashi goes through them himself. There’s little she’ll actually make decisions on, because clan heirlooms can be disguised, or things can have sentimental value, but there’s time to save by getting everything out, by opening every door and window and shooing out the ghosts and dust.

It takes some of the weight off of Kakashi’s shoulders. Not much, but some. She’s the one that decided the make him do this in the first place. It’s only right that she helps him, if she refuses to let him keep getting away with _not_ doing it.

He finishes up in the living room, sorting through books and scrolls from the little house library. He wonders if any of it would be appreciated by the Academy, or maybe the orphanage. It’s out of date, but…

He stands for a moment, feeling not-quite-there, and then clenches his jaw and goes into his father’s bedroom.

“Hey, how do you—woah.”

“Dissociating,” Kakashi grunts into her shoulder. His hands are tucked into his pockets, for all that he’s just thrown himself into a hug. Her arms barely hesitate as they come up around him, and she gives him a few seconds of _pressure_ before pushing him to sit down on the bed.

“How bad?” she asks, taking the spot next to him and rubbing at his back with one hand.

“Functional,” Kakashi says. It’s true. “It’s… a liminal space? I guess? Empty. Conceptually. Nobody’s lived here in so long, and now here we are, and I just feel… fake?”

“Okay,” Tsume says. “That’s fair. It’s not a normal house, that’s for sure. Dogs?”

“No,” Kakashi says. “I think it’s just… the vibe. Set me off. Brain’s gone weird. I can fight it.”

“Get Pakkun.”

“But—”

“Pakkun,” Tsume repeats. It’s not a question. It’s not a request. It’s not even just an order. It’s a command. Tsume knows best.

Tsume’s always known best, for all that people don’t take her seriously.

Kakashi does as he’s told.

Pakkun looks between the two of them, and around the room. He sighs. “Boss.”

“Hey, Pakkun.”

“You should have summoned us _before_ you came here,” Pakkun grumbles. He hops up onto Kakashi’s lap. “The hell did I take those psych courses for if you never get me when you need me?”

“Sorry, Pakkun.”

“Into the vest,” Tsume instructs, and tuts when Kakashi looks at her. “It’s either that or on your head, kid, and you don’t have a hood to keep him from falling off. Into the vest the pup goes.”

Kakashi follows orders.

The annoying thing, of course, is that Tsume’s _right._ Having Pakkun pressed uncomfortably tight to his chest, ready to nip at his jaw or press a cold nose into his neck, it grounds him. It pulls him back.

He still dissociates, but not… not as badly.

He doesn’t float off and away.

By the time the sun starts setting, they’ve gotten through most of the main house, and Kuromaru’s waiting outside with a memorized report of the grounds. That’ll be a D-rank for some genin, once Kakashi writes it up, but he’s had an annual cleaning happening on the outside for years. It won’t take much more than usual to spruce up the place.

“Come on,” Tsume says, knocking her shoulder into his. “I’ll treat you. How’s the seafood place over by the Aburame district sound?”[1]

“Works for me,” Kakashi says. He tries not to think about the fact that there’s still more work to do. He just lets Tsume put a hand on his shoulder and steer him through the streets, aiming for a place that probably has a decent meal to be made. The fuzzy feeling at the edge of his senses fades as they get further away from the compound, and back to the world of the living. Pakkun wriggles his way onto Kakashi’s other shoulder and keeps a running commentary whenever Tsume isn’t regaling him with a story or calling him names.

“You are the mean older sister I never had,” Kakashi tells her, once they’ve finally wound their way to the restaurant and taken their seats. Nobody tries to get rid of the dogs, beyond asking Kakashi to keep Pakkun less than four feet off the ground. It’s a reasonable enough request, so Kakashi holds him to his hip until they get to the table, and then Kakashi has a lap dog.

“Damn right I am,” Tsume says, kicking him under the table. It _probably_ won’t leave a bruise. “Except the ‘never had’ bit. I’m mean _because_ you had me, brat.”

“I was a very lonely child, _Tsume-nee.”_

“You were a little shit,” Tsume corrects. She doesn’t address the honorific he’s never used before. He’ll have to try harder. “I had to babysit you for D-ranks. You made half your sitters cry.”

“They should have been more mature.”

“You had _fangs,_ Hatake,” Tsume reminds him. She’d probably be poking chopsticks at him for emphasis if it weren’t so deadly rude. “They weren’t expecting a teething toddler to draw blood.”

“They should have done their research. Inuzuka do the same.”

“I have two kids. Trust me, I know.”

“The sitters should have known, too. Tou-san left _lists.”_

Tsume rolls her eyes. “Right. Also, what do you mean by ‘lonely,’ you had _Maito Gai.”_

“Gai is a force of nature,” Kakashi informs her. “Not just a friend.”

“Hatake, you make me want to dunk your head in a toilet.”

“You can try.”

If Tsume rolls her eyes any harder, they’re going to fall out of her head. Kakashi tells her as much.

“Eat your damn fish,” she tells him.

“Yes, Nee-chan.”

Oh, this woman is going to _strangle_ him.

\--

Orochimaru’s cell is filled with creature comforts.

There’s a couch. There are pillows. There are blankets aplenty. The cot has a mattress. There are candles, even.

Yes, coming more or less willingly has done a _lot_ to ensure Orochimaru’s stay is not a painful one.

“Orochimaru.”

“If you’re here to ask about my bones, I still have them.”

Kakashi waves that off. “It’s not about your bones.”

“Thank goodness,” Orochimaru says. “I was starting to worry that you had a fixation.”

“Mostly I just want to know where I even heard that,” Kakashi says. “But you wouldn’t have that answer, so it doesn’t matter. Your bones are immaterial. Literally.”

“Oh, for pity’s sake…”

“No,” Kakashi says. “This is about Kabuto.”

Orochimaru perks up. It’s unnerving. Those eyes definitely aren’t blinking, and the way Orochimaru does head tilts is… unnerving? Yes. Unnerving. “Oh? You have a question about Kabuto-kun?”

“Yeah, what the _fuck_ is his damage?”

Orochimaru freezes for a moment, and then collapses into the nest of blankets. “I’m sure there were better ways to phrase such a question.”

“You don’t look like you have bones right now,” Kakashi points out. It’s only mostly because he feels vindicated by how Orochimaru hisses like a cat when he says it. “You’re more like an octopus than a snake. Maybe you’re just entirely cartilage instead of bone.”

“I will _pay you_ to shut up about my bones.”

“You can’t buy my silence,” Kakashi says. “Anyway. That’s not the point.”

“You keep making it a point. A very _tiresome_ point.”

“Shh, no bones. We’re talking about Kabuto.”

Orochimaru looks ready to eat Kakashi’s heart. “Your father was _much_ less irritating than you.”

“Oh, yeah, probably,” Kakashi says. “You knew him? That’s nice.”

“I slept with him.”

Hm.

“It was only once, but it was a grand time.”

No, thank you.

“I didn’t even know he liked men,” Kakashi says, because he can’t just _let Orochimaru win,_ but also he doesn’t want to talk about this.

“I’m not a man.”

Ah.

“Not completely, at least.”

Okay. Kakashi can work with this. “You’re nonbinary?”

Orochimaru shrugs. “The shoe may not fit, but it certainly doesn’t pinch.”

“What an odd way to phrase things,” Kakashi tells them.[2] “But good to know, I guess.”

Orochimaru smirks, but there’s a strange relief emanating from them. “Yes, it usually is, isn’t it?”

Kakashi has no idea what they’re trying to imply here. “Anyway, what the fuck is Kabuto’s problem, and why is he deciding I’m somehow worthy as a role model?”

The smirk is gone. Orochimaru’s face is twisting in horror. “He _what?”_

Kakashi blinks. “You didn’t know.”

“You are _not_ an acceptable role model,” Orochimaru stresses, disgust in every line of their face.

“…like, on the one hand, your approval would disgust me,” Kakashi notes aloud. “But on the other hand, I feel a little offended? I think?”

“Have you changed your behavioral patterns at _all_ in the last three years?” Orochimaru demands, striding up to the bars. Kakashi doesn’t step back. “I am not going to let my most promising apprentice destroy themselves the way _you_ were the last time I stopped by Konoha.”

“You… snuck into Konoha,” Kakashi says, a little blankly. “Three years ago.”

“Immaterial,” Orochimaru dismisses. “You—”

“No, wait, shut up,” Kakashi says. “You snuck into Konoha. Three years ago. And not a single person noticed?”

“I helped _design_ modern ANBU protocols,” Orochimaru says. Oh, there’s that disgust again. “You think I couldn’t get around them? Please.”

Kakashi wants to panic. “Excuse me a moment. I need to go talk to Shikaku.”

“He already knows!” Orochimaru calls after him. “Or you could just ignore me, of course. I can’t imagine why Konoha would ever do _that.”_

Nope, Orochimaru’s bitterness is _not_ Kakashi’s focus right now.

\--

Kakashi gets back to Orochimaru’s cell about half an hour later.

Kakashi has ramen.

Kakashi is not entirely sure _how_ he got ramen, but he suspects it involved Naruto.

“Welcome back,” Orochimaru drawls. They’re lounging in the weird nest they’ve built up in the cot. Kakashi thinks the best word here would be ‘indolent.’

“Yo,” Kakashi says. He drags over a chair, sits down, and starts eating. He eats the way he always does, of course, between someone else’s blinks, and there’s a _very_ nice moment where Orochimaru does a doubletake at Suddenly Missing Food. Kakashi feels gratified. Even Sannin can’t see him eat.

He’s still got it. It’s enough to make the person on the other side of the bars huff and try a new tactic.

“Not going to offer anything to the poor, maltreated prisoner?” Orochimaru asks with a pout.

Kakashi looks over the creature comforts that Orochimaru has been allowed.

He raises an eyebrow. He’d slurp the noodles loudly, if he was willing to show his face. Alas.

“The food is still shit,” Orochimaru says.

“Then you shouldn’t have gone and become an S-rank criminal,” Kakashi says. “You acted like shit, so now your food tastes like it. Perfect logic. Cause and effect.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“I’m pretty sure it is.”

“I’m a scientist,” Orochimaru says. “I know better than you.”

“You have no access to science right now,” Kakashi tells them. “Your crimes are limited in this prison.”

Orochimaru stares at him.

Kakashi doesn’t elaborate.

He’s like… thirty percent sure that nobody told Orochimaru about the whole ‘science ninjas’ joke. Most likely, they kept this secret because Orochimaru would take it as a compliment _and_ a challenge, and then everyone would be dead or in tubes or something.

And that would be bad.

Orochimaru folds their arms and leans back in their seat, back to the wall. “You confuse me, Hatake-kun.”

“I confuse a lot of people.”

“Hm,” Orochimaru intones, tilting their head. “No, I’m sure you do, but that’s not _quite_ what I meant.”

“Yeah?”

“You are _very_ good at hiding your hate for me,” Orochimaru says. They smile, placid. “I’d almost say you don’t, but I imagine it’s very difficult for you to keep yourself from breaking these bars and trying to rip me open like the feral mutt you are.”

“Haven’t heard that one before.”

“Sarcasm. How quaint.”

They stare at him through the bars, head to one side and completely at ease. “You’ve taken to the survivor. Danzō told me as much, before his… untimely demise. Nurturing a little sapling after you’d lost everything else, no? As if helping something already more broken than yourself would redeem your failures.”

_Tenzō is not a **thing.**_

“And of course,” Orochimaru continues, “Dearest Anko. She’s forgotten how good my own sense of smell is, I think. Didn’t even realize I could _smell_ the two of you on her when she came here after… well. Rutting, perhaps?”

Kakashi blinks slowly at them. “Dog jokes, really?”

The smile goes from placid to sharp in a second, and Orochimaru’s fangs are not at all like Kakashi’s own. Longer. Sleeker. _Venomous._ “Snake got your tongue?”

“Not as easily as the crow got yours,” Kakashi manages. “Beaten by a thirteen-year-old, was it? Not much of a showing, for one of the Densetsu no Sannin.”

Orochimaru’s lips close, but the humor is still in their eyes. “You’re trying too hard.”

They are very good at this.

“Maybe,” Kakashi allows. “Mostly, though, I’d like to know what it is that you _want_ with all this. Pissing me off must have a point, right?”

“Oh, I’m sure you have your guesses.” Orochimaru purrs the words, almost. They look satisfied with something. “You’re not as good as you think you are, little one. Do get the splinters looked at on your way out, hm?”

Kakashi blinks. He looks down at his right hand.

He crushed the chopsticks.

He hadn’t even noticed.

(His gloves protected much, but they are fingerless, so it is not _quite_ everything. There is still damage.)

(There are still splinters.)

(Orochimaru really is very, very good at this.)

“Have a nice day~!”

\--

“You’re a goddamn _moron,”_ Kanna hisses, digging the splinters out with a pair of tweezers. She’s the closest of the medics he knows, and the one who knows Orochimaru best, save for Tsunade. The solution to the splinters had been obvious. “You just went there and let them talk you into this shit?”

“It’s not like I was _planning_ on this,” Kakashi complains.

“No shit, asshat!” Kanna snaps. “Hold still!”

“I am!”

Kanna’s rage is almost palpable, and Kakashi’s vaguely convinced he can see her pupils changing shape. It might be Kurama’s influence, but it also might just be that her glasses make everything on the other side look weird from this oblique angle.

“Any idea why they were trying to piss me off?” Kakashi asks.

“I dunno, _boredom?”_ Kanna asks, snippy to the last. “I wasn’t there, and I wasn’t paying attention. Best guess, they were testing you to see how much you care for Anko and Tenzō. If they still have any affection for either of those two, they might have wanted to know that one of Konoha’s strongest was actually invested in their safety.”

“That’s not how they reacted when I talked about Kabuto,” Kakashi says, frowning. “They were rather more emotive, but I guess they didn’t have reason to _pretend_ to not care on that front.”

“Also, you _barely know_ Kabuto,” Kanna points out. “They don’t have to _test you_ on that one.”

“I still don’t buy it,” Kakashi says. “There are other potential reasons, right?”

“I’m not doing your homework for you,” Kanna mutters. “Figure it out yourself.”

“Okay, but didn't you… _you know.”_

She looks up at him, eyes exhausted. “Dude.”

“I can’t _say_ it.” He gestures at one of the nearby lab techs, who’s fiddling with a chemical Kakashi can smell from all the way over here. “He’s li—aren’t you supposed to be using a fume hood?”

The lab tech freezes.

Kanna turns slowly, smoothly, _silently,_ like something out of a horror movie.

“Daichi.”

The lab tech twitches, and whispers, _“fuck.”_

Huh. The infamous fucker himself.

Daichi sprints for the exit, Kanna stalking after him with an aura of murder. Her hair isn’t floating the way Kushina’s used to, but the vibe is there. It’s a very threatening aura. Very distinctive.

Kind of hot.

“She was, like… two meters away,” Kakashi says slowly. “Did he think she wouldn’t notice?”

“Daichi’s not very bright,” one of the remaining techs says. “Kami love him, he’s enthusiastic, but he’s not _bright.”_

“Poor guy can’t even smell anything, anymore,” the other tech says. Her name is… probably Fuyumi. Probably. “He’s nice, but…”

“Was that a mistake with the fume hood?” Kakashi asks. “Kanna’s mentioned a risk of going blind before, but…”

“Oh, absolutely,” the first tech says. Kakashi thinks his name is Hiroshi. “She refused to let him come back for two weeks after _that_ fuckup.”

Fuyumi sighs and goes to clean up the abandoned open chemical. “New guy’s going to be back from lunch soon, so we can put him on Daichi-sitting duty instead of having to do it ourselves.”

Nobody here seems to have a very high opinion of the kid. Well, teenager. Daichi’s the exact kind of gangly that comes from being not-quite-twenty. Still, there’s a general aura of ‘we’d be better off without him’ that would be depressing and kind of mean if the kid hadn’t _just_ demonstrated why he wasn’t suited to a lab environment.

“FUCK YEAH!” Hiroshi yells out of nowhere, and Fuyumi throws an empty glass flask at him on reflex. Kakashi moves to catch it before the distracted scientist gets smacked in the head.

“What the _heck?”_ Fuyumi demands.

“No, shit, come here,” Hiroshi enthuses, waving her over. “The third batch of the 67-40 mix worked! It’s only attacking the foreign cells!”

Fuyumi frowns for a moment, and then zips on over. “That doesn’t make _sense.”_

“Take a look,” Hiroshi tells her, moving over to give her a look through the microscope.

Kakashi wants to leave. There are still splinters in his hand. He’s… well, he’s not _very_ good with his left, but he can get some of the bigger splinters out until Kanna gets ba—

Oh, nope, there she is. She’s got a hand on Daichi’s shoulder, and uses it to guide him over to one of the stools.

“Sit,” she snarls. “And _don’t. Move.”_

“Yes, Uzumaki-sama,” Daichi mumbles. He doesn’t look defiant or sarcastic or resentful at all. Mostly, he looks mopey. Morose. He even jumps a little when she slaps a folder in front of him.

“Datasets. Chart them. We’ve got computers, you know how to use them, do some data entry,” Kanna orders. She whirls around and goes over to the other techs. “Oi! What are you two crowding at?”

“Can’t explain it, but the 67-40 mix is working, ma’am,” Fuyumi says. “Hiroshi said it was the third batch.”

“Bullshit,” Kanna says, rounding the table and pushing over towards the microscope.

Kakashi wonders where the rest of her team is. He doesn’t think _all_ of them are at lunch. Maybe it’s just a slow day? He’s not sure if science has slow days. He hopes so.

“Uh, the splinters?” Kakashi calls over.

Kanna makes a shadow clone.

Right.

\--

 _“Fuck,”_ Anko groans, stretching out across the carpet. “I can’t _tell_ you how much I love that you have your own house, Uzumaki.”

“You’ve said it like eight times,” Kanna corrects her. “That’s _plenty.”_

“But Kannaaaaa,” Anko whines, reaching out for one of Kanna’s pantlegs and getting pulled back by Tenzō and Kurenai. “Hey!”

“You’re not drunk,” Kurenai says. “We’ve barely been here five minutes, calm _down.”_

Tenzō just sighs. “Please don’t antagonize one of the scariest women we know.”

“One of?” Kanna challenges.

“We are in a room with your _wife,”_ Tenzō points out. “Tsunade-sama is almost Hokage. I’m dating Anko, and Kurenai can fuck with my head as well as T&I without drawing a drop of blood. Yes. One of.”

Anko rolls her eyes and collapses in Tenzō’s lap.

“Anyway,” Kanna says, with the kind of eyeroll that makes lesser men cry, and turns to Kakashi. “You were one of the chilled beers, right?”

“Yep,” Kakashi says, leaning forward in the couch. “Gimme Asuma’s, too.”

She does, passing out the rest of the drinks relatively quickly. By the time she sits down in her preferred armchair, Sakura’s entering with the snacks, Shizune behind her.

“Hey, ‘zune-chan!” Anko cheers. “I didn’t hear you come in!”

“Ah, yeah, I was actually asleep in the guest room,” Shizune admits. “Sakura and I had a _really_ long shift today, and she offered to let me nap before the party.”

“Bad?” Kurenai asks.

“We didn’t lose anyone, but some surgeries are… _very_ draining,” Shizune says. She takes a seat on the floor next to Tenzō, and holds up a bottle. “So it’s something strong for me tonight.”

“So long as you don’t start taking after Shishou,” Sakura mutters, taking a sip of her own and looking over the room. “Are we missing anyone except Gai?”

“Your old bastard of a ‘cousin,’” Anko says. She even does the air quotes, and drags up Kurenai’s arm as she does so, because apparently she hooked their elbows together when nobody was looking. Kurenai’s drink doesn’t spill, but only just.

Kakashi feels for Kurenai, really, he does… but she’s also over sitting next to Asuma, who is _extraordinarily_ sensible, for a Jounin. She could have just scooted closer to him.

The door opens. There is shouting. Kakashi grins behind his mask.

“— _A MOST VIBRANT AND YOUTHFUL SHADE OF RED, MY FRIEND!”_

“Please, _please_ shut up,” Kurama grouses from out of sight. “My ears are sensitive.”

Kakashi would believe that. He’s not sure he _does,_ without evidence, but he _would._ Foxes and all.

Gai comes into the room, beams at them, and throws his arms wide in greeting like he can hug them all in spirit if he just tries hard enough. “My friends!”

“Over here,” Kakashi says, patting the seat next to him. Gai vaults over the coffee table and lands lightly on the floor, something that is ruined by the heavy flop onto the floor next to Kakashi. “Oof.”

“You’re all boring,” Anko declares. “Let’s play a game.”

“Have you _slept_ recently?” Kurenai asks in a stage whisper.

“Eh, kind of,” Anko says. “Don’t worry about it.”

Tenzō is shaking his head behind her. She definitely hasn’t been sleeping, then.

“Joining us for once?” Kakashi asks, tipping his head towards Kurama.

“Ain’t got anything better to do,” Kurama says, shrugging. “Kids are busy and have responsible caretakers or whatever—”

“I wouldn’t call Shisui responsible,” Tenzō interrupts.

“—and I’m not exactly the type to go out and _make friends,_ so what else am I going pack my time with?”

“Didn’t Tobirama try to flirt with you?” Sakura asks.

“That never happened.”

“I’m pretty sure it did, Kurama-kun.”

Kurama bares his teeth and snarls at her.

Kanna, tucked up into Sakura’s side, does the same right back.

“And here I thought the feral one was me,” Kakashi mumbles. Both of them shoot him Looks, and he rolls his eyes. “I mean, at least with me, it’s a clan thing. You two are just _like_ that.”

“Get fucked,” Kanna tells him. He can smell her drink from here. It’s a virgin strawberry daiquiri.

He thinks she made it from scratch, even.

“It wasn’t flirting,” Kurama insists. “Not the way you think. He wants information on things I know, and I think he wanted to fuck with my head. No romance in the cards or whatever it is you humans like to make of it.”

“Us humans?” Asuma questions, sounding amused. “What does that make you?”

“Last I checked, I’ve been legally classified as a natural disaster,” Kurama says, with not a single note of inflection to suggest it’s a joke.

“Ugh, get _over_ yourself,” Kanna gripes. “Last I checked, you’re legally classified as a _pain in my ass.”_

“Sometimes I wonder how you two share a house without killing each other,” Asuma says.

“There’s a time-out corner,” Kanna tells him. “Kurama gets sent there. Frequently.”

What an interesting way to describe a Jinchuuriki seal.

There’s an uncomfortable silence for a few moments, where most of the room _knows_ what that means and two people just _don’t,_ and then Anko says, “I almost killed Tenzō the other day!”

“Oh boy,” Kakashi drawls, as Tenzō rolls his eyes. “Let’s hear it.”

“In my defense,” Anko says, “I did warn him.”

“What, did he try to tickle you or something?” Kanna asks.

Kakashi sees Shizune wince. Oh. She _knows_ what happened. Fascinating.

“Anko’s poisonous,” Tenzō explains.

“…you mean venomous,” Kurenai corrects.

“That too,” Tenzō allows. “But no, we were messing around, and then… I bit her a little too hard, drew blood, and landed myself in the hospital.”

Anko just preens.

“Okay, no, I have to hear more about this,” Kakashi declares. “Is it a summons thing? I’m guessing it’s a summons thing.”

“Oh man,” Anko says, wriggling in place, chock-full of glee. “Okay, okay, okay, _watch my teeth.”_

She opens her mouth, tenses a muscle they can only sort of see, and then a pair of fangs sprout, so long that she definitely can’t close her m—oh, no, they fold back into her mouth like an actual snake’s. A second later, she’s got them in attack position again, and her jaw unhinges to make biting not only possible, but a valid way to attack. She retracts them in a way that is very much _not_ normal, not for snakes or anything else, and closes her mouth again. She’s left looking wholly human, but extraordinarily smug.

“You’re going to be in my nightmares,” Asuma tells her.

Anko grins, bright and bloodthirsty. “Anyway, I’ve gotten bit by my summons a _lot,_ sometimes as mithridatism and sometimes just because they were angry at me since I caused a jurisdictional conflict for the snakes, and sometimes just because, and _since I’m their summoner,_ the whole thing kind of wrapped around into my blood now being permanently poisonous.”

“That’s not how _anything_ works,” Sakura protests.

“And yet,” Anko says, smug as the cat that got the cream.

“I was the one that treated him,” Shizune says morosely. “I don’t know how, but Anko’s telling the truth. She is _very_ much poisonous. Not enough to kill in minutes, but Tenzō was… not particularly coherent.”

“ _I’m_ a _hallucinogen,”_ Anko announces. She’s still preening.

“You’re a menace is what you are,” Kanna grumbles, sipping on her drink. “Fuck it, someone else talk. Y’all are boring.”

There's a moment of silence, mostly, peppered with the sound of people sipping drinks or shifting in place.

“Even though my primary nature is wind, enough Sarutobi have been fire-nature that my lungs are still resistant to ash and smoke damage,” Asuma offers. “I think the Uchiha were similar.”

It’s not exactly a secret, but it’s a solid move to make.

“I can grow and control extra limbs out of Mokuton,” Tenzō says. “Like, the sensation is there? It’s weird.”

Anko leers. Kakashi isn’t surprised. He’s… been there.

“Y’all know my weird body shit,” Kanna dismisses. “Magic blood, yada yada. Sakura?”

Sakura tilts her head, considering, and then shares a look with Shizune. She turns to the rest of them. “Promise not to freak out.”

“We are _shinobi,”_ Gai stresses, more than a little amused. “We don’t freak out easily.”

“Okay, it’s not _automatic,_ but…” Sakura traps her wrist between her knees, puts a palm to her forearm, and presses until the… the bone bends.

Her _bones bend._

She relaxes the pressure and shakes her hand out with a wince. “Shizune’s got the same thing going on. Mostly it just makes us more resistant to blunt-force trauma, but…”

“Means we have to reinforce our limbs a little extra to keep them straight when fighting.” Shizune shrugs. “Also prone to dislocating joints, but we’re all medics, so that’s less of an issue.”

Kanna pokes Kurama.

“I’m not a person,” he says, and sips at his drink. “My body isn’t real.”

Valid.

Asuma and Gai look _concerned_ now, but like. Still. valid.

“I don’t summon my turtles often enough to gain the kinds of modifications the rest of you have,” Gai admits. “But I’ve found that my skin is… rougher. More resilient, at least to blades. Not simply callous, but rather more like… I’ve taken on some traits of a turtle shell.”

“Show them your back,” Kakashi stage-whispers, and then doesn’t meet Gai’s look. “What? It’s badass.”

It’s cool. Gai’s back is _cool._ Kakashi refuses to feel shame for making his friend show off something cool.

“Everyone here has seen it,” Gai points out.

“I haven’t,” Shizune says. “I mean… yeah, no, I haven’t been in the village much for the past… decade and change. Whatever is on your back, Maito-san, I have not seen it.”

Gai doesn’t roll his eyes, because Gai is too Youthful for such a thing, but Kakashi knows he’s thinking it. Instead, Gai grins and gives her a thumbs up, and says, “well, in that case, let me allow you into the secret!”

“Not a secret!” Kakashi calls, but Gai ignores him, just turns around and unzips the back of his jumpsuit to a few inches above the waist of his underpants, and shrugs it forward to reveal the faint hexagons on his back. It looks like a long-faded tattoo, or a deliberate series of tan lines, but Kakashi knows the truth. The pattern was burned in by the summons, immediately healed but still there. A permanent sign.

There are kanji, in the empty spaces. Kakashi knows them by heart.

Gai is, for all his reticence to show it, _very proud_ of his shell markings. He scoots around the coffee table a bit to get closer to Shizune and Kurama and Kanna, none of whom have seen this.

“Kakashi was right,” Anko tells him. “Badass.”

Shizune laughs, light enough that it’s almost a giggle. “Impressive!”

Kakashi meets Gai’s eyes when his friend turns back around, jumpsuit once more in place, and lifts his drink. Gai smiles, just a little, and shakes his head. He’s on the other side of the table now, and plops down next to Asuma on the couch.

“Hey, hey,” Anko says, elbowing at the woman that she has, publicly and _very_ drunkenly, as well as entirely soberly, declared her own best friend on multiple overly loud occasions. “Hey, ‘nai-chan, it’s your turn.”

Kurenai purses her lips, looks around for a moment, and then sighs. “I’m tetrachromatic.”

A few looks of confusion, and a few of delight. Kurama in particular asks, “you’re what?”

“It’s, uh, a mutation that shows up sometimes in the Yuuhi-clan,” Kurenai explains. “Not really useful in battle, so we don’t bother to hide it, but it’s good for tracking and things, sometimes. Most humans are trichromatic, which means there are three types of cone cells in the eye to detect color; red, blue, and green. But I have an infrared cone cell, which marginally adjusts my color perception. It’s honestly not much, but it makes me a little better at seeing through camouflage and the like.”

Huh. Kakashi actually has a relevant fact in response to that.

“My father was dichromatic,” Kakashi offers. “Sort of a clan thing, popped up here and there. Red-green colorblind, I think. Basically, the opposite.”

“Because you have dog summons?” Kurenai guesses.

“That, and we kept war wolves, before Konoha,” Kakashi explains. “But that was a long time ago. Both contributed. Long-term summons use can have interesting effects.”

“Okay, but that’s about _your dad,_ not you,” Kanna says. “Come on, we all shared something weird, what about you?”

“I could talk about my fangs, because that’s about as much info as you shared, with what you said about your blood,” Kakashi points out.

Kanna squints at him, and then says, “My healing factor is so aggressive that it once had to be put in stasis, with weeks-long chakra suppressors, so we could successfully remove a cluster of malignant cells from my breast. The healing factor kept bringing them back as quickly as we removed them.”

She crosses her arms, leans back, and smirks. “Your turn.”

There are lots of things Kakashi could say, really. He can sense storms more accurately than meteorologists, or even other lightning types. He could talk about his sense of smell. He could talk about having two different types of hair follicles, leading to the gravity-defying mess that is his hair.[3]

Instead, he goes for the most awkward thing he can think of.

“I have a knot.”

Kurenai chokes on her drink.

More specifically, she does an entire spit-take all over the coffee table.

Kakashi takes a drink to avoid the looks he’s getting.

“Okay, I’m… just… clarify, please,” Shizune requests.

“You know how dog phalluses inflate immediately after an orgasm?” Kakashi asks. “Yeah. That’s… that’s what knotting is. I have no control and it happens, like… twenty or thirty percent of the time.”

Kurenai is still hacking up a lung.

Shizune’s face is pinched, like she’s trying to figure out the biomedical perspective.

“So… you have to renegotiate consent, but _only_ if you’re the one sticking it in,” Asuma tries to confirm.

Kakashi shrugs. “I mean… pretty much. It’s painful for the other person if it… you know. Goes off. Best to warn people and figure out the best option.”

“Oh my god, this conversation…” Kurenai moans. She looks over at Anko and Tenzō, and then shakes her head. “No. I don’t want to know more.”

“I’m pretty sure half the room already knew,” Kakashi points out. “I mean, these two, obviously, and then I know I vented about it to Gai a bunch when I was a teenager and figuring out the whole sex and sexuality thing.”

“You’re acting like you’re the only person here with that problem,” Kurama says.

Kakashi—

Kakashi considers that for a moment.

“Well,” he says gamely, because apparently _nobody_ knew about Kurama’s angle, “I suppose that makes sense.”

Foxes are closely related to dogs and wolves.

Kakashi is suddenly as uncomfortable with this conversation as Kurenai looks.

Sakura knocks back her entire drink, springs to her feet, and turns towards the kitchen. “I’m going to get another bottle of sake. Anyone else?”

Her face is _very_ red. She is not drunk.

“We should probably stop talking about dicks,” Asuma says.

“Yeah, no shit,” Kanna snorts. She rounds on Kurama. _“That said…”_

“Oi, don’t give me that ‘medical professional’ shit, I’m not even _real,”_ Kurama protests. “I don’t have to tell you _jackshit_ about how this body works.”

“When you phrase it like that, it sounds like you stole it,” Anko points out. “Like sensei. Nobody wants to be like sensei.”

“Kabuto does,” Kakashi says.

“Kabuto needs therapy,” Anko dismisses. “Doesn’t count.”

“How did the conversation go from dicks to Orochimaru?” Tenzō asks. “Is there any way we can go _back_ to the dicks?”

“Maybe once Sakura gets past her little ‘someone pushed a button I forgot about’ stint,” Kanna mutters. She shakes her head and waves a hand before anyone can ask. “It’s not a bad trigger, y’all just reminded her about something _really_ embarrassing.”

“Shut up, Kanna-chan!”

“Then get back here!” Kanna calls to the kitchen.

“Wait, sorry, I have one more question,” Asuma says, and smiles apologetically at Kurenai when she groans. “Just one, for Kurama.”

“Perhaps we should refrain,” Gai starts, putting a hand on Asuma’s shoulder.

“No, no, let’s hear it,” Kurama says, leaning forward in a way far more intimidating than it necessarily should be. He smiles, baring too-sharp teeth. “What do you wanna know?”

“If Kakashi got his dealio due to the whole dog summons and war wolves thing, where did you get yours?”

It’s not a bad question, objectively.

 _Sub_ jectively, knowing what he does, Kakashi is aware that Kurama opened up a bag of worms called ‘all our S-rank secrets.’

Kurama swirls his drink around, head tilted and eyes half-lidded. He leans back, suddenly loose of all tension, and eyes Asuma and Gai.

They’re the only ones that don’t know.

Kurama tilts his head the other way.

“The Uzumaki have a longer history with foxes than just Mito with the Kyuubi,” Kurama says. His eyes dart to Kanna, and he smirks. “Isn’t that right, little cousin?”

She stares back, eyes wide and brows pinched but high, the kind of look that says, ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing?’

“It’s not fair to them,” Sakura says quietly, settling in by Kanna again. Late, but here. “Is it?”

“I’m already on thin ice,” Kanna huffs. “I’m _always_ on thin ice. You know what I come from.”

“The role changes soon,” Sakura reminds her. “And so will all that holds us back.”

“And all we know.”

Asuma leans over to Kurenai and asks, in a whisper that carries through the room, “do you know what they’re talking about?”

“Unfortunately,” Kurenai says. She grimaces and takes a swig of her drink. “Kakashi knows more.”

“I don’t _want_ to know more,” Kakashi protests. “I was very happy knowing less!”

“I know, Kakashi,” Kurenai says, voice low and dead. “I’m your therapist. Trust me, I _know.”_

“Okay, does anyone _other than me_ not know what they’re talking about?” Asuma asks. The answer is clear. “Gai… my brother in this bullshit.”

Gai wraps an arm around Asuma’s shoulders and pulls him into a side hug that Kakashi knows is bone-breaking from experience.

“Okay, but we _will get in trouble.”_ Sakura insists, having clearly ignored that entire exchange.

“Not if she—”

“You’re both annoying,” Kurama says. He turns to Asuma and Gai, measures them by some inscrutable mental weight even as Sakura and Kanna bicker to his side, and then says, “I’m the Kyuubi no Kitsune given human form.”

Asuma and Gai stare at him.

“Dude!” Kanna snaps.

“Tsunade’s taking the hat in like _two days,”_ Kurama argues. “And even if she didn’t, what, the old man’s going to say his _son_ and _Maito Gai_ aren’t trustworthy enough?”

“Opsec, dude!”

“Since when have I given a _single flying fuck about opsec?”_

Asuma turns to Kurenai. “Please tell me they’re lying.”

Kurenai grimaces. “They’re not.”

“She fucked with the kid’s seal?” Asuma demands.

“No,” Kakashi says, because Kurenai looks _just_ confused enough to not actually know the answer. “When Minato-sensei summoned the Shinigami ten years ago, he sealed half of the Kyuubi into Naruto, and half into himself and thus into the Shinigami. There are very few people that know how to access the Shinigami’s stomach, but…”

He gestures at Kanna.

“Right,” Asuma says. “I… need a moment.”

He looks down at his drink, sets it to the side, and heads to the kitchen. He gets—yeah, that’s the vodka.

Kurama cups a hand around his mouth, even though it’s not really necessary, and calls over, “that’s not even the most fucked-up part!”

Asuma pauses, looks up, sees the various grimaces and pitying looks, and then heads for the back door. “I need a smoke.”

“Well,” Sakura says, as the door falls shut. “At least he’s considerate enough to do it outside.”

“I’m so tired of your shit,” Kanna tells Kurama.

“What are they gonna do? Put me on house arrest?” Kurama jeers. “Oh no, ‘you need to spend _another_ ten years asleep in a cage.’ Whatever will I do?”

“Suffer,” she says.

Kurama rolls his eyes.

Kakashi lets this all happen as it will, because it’s not like either of them is going to commit a murder, and instead looks to the remaining ‘wasn’t told shit’ person in the room.

Gai’s looking at Kurama. Considering him. Contemplating something.

“Gai, your expression scares me,” Kakashi announces. This seems to startle Gai back into action. This is not actually a good thing.

“I wish to test my strength against that of a bijuu!” Gai declares, jumping to his feet and striking a Most Youthful Pose. He points to Kurama. “Kurama! Would you do me the hon—”

 _“Fuck_ no,” Kurama cuts him off.

“…eh?” Gai asks, head tilted. “But as a bijuu—”

“No, I ain’t putting myself through that,” Kurama insists. “I’m—you know what, fuck it, I’m not explaining ‘til Sarutobi gets back.”

“Coward,” Anko accuses.

He bares those fangs and snarls.

She bares _her_ fangs and hisses.

Kakashi wonders if it would be a good time to take a nap, because he feels like he’s seen this interaction literally a billion times. Sure, Anko’s fangs haven’t made an appearance before, but maybe that whole development actually _is_ new. With Orochimaru back in town, the snakes might have decided Anko deserves an extra gift. She can get a little venom, as a treat.

“You people are _exhausting,”_ Kurenai bemoans. Tenzō pats her on the shoulder, which does little to help. Kakashi thinks she probably appreciates it, though. Tenzō’s one of the few people in the room to _not_ go seeking out additional bullshit when he has the option of just keeping his nose out of it… dating Anko notwithstanding.

Kakashi’s pretty sure Kurenai can’t begrudge Tenzō that, though. Probably. _She’s_ Anko’s best friend, and Kakashi knows for a fact that those two used to have a friends-with-benefits situation going on. Judging Tenzō for ‘dating Anko when I have the option of not doing so’ would be incredibly hypocritical.

Anko is making weird clicking noises, and Kakashi is only barely surprised to find out that it’s because she’s repeatedly dislocating her jaw and popping it back into place. He’s pretty sure this isn’t how it works in actual snakes,[4] but she seems to be having fun.

The backdoor opens and closes, and Asuma trudges back to his seat. He doesn’t smell like cigarette smoke, but Kakashi knows that’s just some wild trickery with Fuuton that nobody else can manage.

“Alright,” Asuma says. “Okay. Kurama is actually the Kyuubi. Half the Kyuubi is in Kanna. He can manifest in a human-ish form outside, because fuuinjutsu is a nightmare. Do I have it so far?”

Kanna blinked at him, and brought out the ears and tails.

“Oh, fuck this,” Asuma says. He smiles. “All of this, actually.”

“I think it’s cute,” Sakura says, leaning into Kanna’s side and ruffling said ears. “Look. She’s fluffy.”

Kanna bares her teeth in something that is not, in fact, a smile, but might be in the same general ecosystem as one.

“Great, the science ninja is a Jinchuuriki,” Asuma mutters. “Okay. Okay, _sure,_ great, explains why Kurama wasn’t drafted into being a ninja despite me _seeing_ him throw down with a Jounin multiple times. Sure. Whatever. You said it gets worse.”

“It really does,” Kakashi tosses in. “So much worse. Are we starting with the undead teammate, O Assembled Uzumaki?”

“Fuck it, why not,” Kanna says. “But only if you say it.”

“Ah,” Kakashi says, sure that his fixed grin can be seen past the fabric. “Great.”

“Please tell me we’re talking about Rin,” Asuma begs.

Kakashi says nothing.

Asuma drops back in his seat, throwing an arm over his eyes. “What the _fuck.”_

“Obito never actually died, apparently,” Kakashi says, and sees the way Gai’s eyes widen and hope. Hope for _Kakashi’s sake,_ probably. “Um, he… kind of got kidnapped by an evil plant and a senile, geriatric Uchiha Madara, and was brainwashed and slave-sealed by them into trying to take over the world.”

There is silence for a moment.

“What the _fuck,”_ Asuma croaks. “Dude.”

“I know.”

_“Dude.”_

“Trust me, _I know,”_ Kakashi says. “We all _fucking_ know. As soon as we can drag him back—”

Kanna snorts, earning herself a light slap to the arm from her wife and an order to Be Nice.

“—he’s going to therapy.” Kakashi considers this for a moment, and then adds, “Court-ordered, probably, though it’s not like a whole lot of people will be able to enforce it.”

“Bruh, he’s not staying in this village,” Kanna says. “Visit, sure, but if he’s willing to stay, I’ll eat my hat.”

“You don’t have a hat.”

“Fuck off.”

“Make me.”

“He will need all our support should he choose to return,” Gai says, a shade more quietly than Kakashi might have expected. “Though given that he has not… I expect there is more to this story?”

“Well, Madara’s dead, but the evil plant monster isn’t,” Sakura discloses. She says it gently, like she’s letting someone down as kindly as she can. “And it’s…”

“Technically my evil uncle,” Kurama says. “Sort of.”

Asuma holds up a hand, knocks back a shot, and says, “Okay. Explain.”

“Short version: the Sage of the Six Paths created the bijuu, so we consider him our father. His mom was a megalomaniacal demonic princess goddess _thing,_ and when the Sage and his twin brother sealed her into the moon, she left behind this primordial black goo infused with her will that can possess people and has been behind half the wars on the continent, but most particularly has been kicking the Senju and Uchiha back into gear every little bit to get ahold of a Rinnegan through the transmigration cycle of the Sage’s sons.”

Asuma looks longingly at the vodka bottle in the kitchen. He lets himself fall sideways into Gai and covers his eyes. “What the _fuck.”_

“So we have to stop the evil plant monster before it can bring my evil grandmother back from the dead,” Kurama explains.

“There’s more to this shit, isn’t there,” Asuma says. It’s not even a question. “I can feel it. The nonsense isn’t over.”

“Are you sure you’re ready for more?” Sakura asks, both pitying and far too amused.

“No, but tell me anyway.”

Kakashi does not say a word, because this particular bullshit isn’t his.

Sakura and Kanna have a silent argument about who gets to break the news, with Kurama getting visibly more irritated, and then the impasse is broken.

“Oh,” Gai says, looking at the Uzumaki like he’s just realized something and already come to terms with it. “You’re time-travelers, aren’t you?”

They stare at him.

 _Everyone_ stares at him.

Asuma drops his hand, looking around. “Please tell me he’s wrong.”

“We’d be lying if we did,” Kurenai says, patting his knee. “I’m sorry. It’s all a huge mess, isn’t it?”

Asuma whines, low and pained, and covers his eyes again. “I hate all of you.”

“Not a single person here was happy to learn, like, any of this,” Tenzō tells him. “None of it.”

“Is Karin just a younger Kanna?” Asuma asks.

“Well, yeah,” Kanna says. “I even call her my mini-me.”

The whine is now a whimper. They’ve broken one of the most sensible men Kakashi knows. He’s not proud of this, except for how he kind of is. It takes a lot to break Asuma.

“So,” Kurama says, ignoring the part where Asuma blindly throws a pillow at him. “Do you want me to explain why I’m not willing to fight _Maito Gai_ now?”

“Oh, I’d love to hear this,” Anko says. “Let’s hear it.”

“Fuckin’ watched him go toe-to-toe with Madara,” Kurama says.

Silence.

Kakashi sits up a little straighter.

“What.” It’s Asuma again.

Kurama shrugs. “Listen, I watched this man bodily attack Madara when not a single other thing, not a single Kage or Jinchuuriki or overpowered dead guy, could make a _scratch.”_ He takes an angry swig of his drink. “Literally the only thing that worked was taijutsu, and I _saw_ what happened, and _I ain't dealing with that shit.”_

Gai looks torn between elated to know this, and disappointed that he has not actually done this.

Asuma looks ready to cry.

Sakura does a weird, arching lean over the arm of the overlarge chair, and reaches over to pat Gai’s shoulder. “It was _very_ youthful. You opened all eight gates and survived. Madara respected your physical prowess.” She smiles, eyes closed and teeth sparkling, kind and lovely. “If you _ever_ pull that shit again, I'll kill you myself.”

Gai’s smile freezes. “Aa. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good!” She chirps, slipping back into her spot. “Shizune will do so in my stead if I am, for whatever reason, indisposed.”

“Understood,” Gai says, and then follows it up with, “but I still wish to spar with Kurama-san.”

Kurama wrinkles his lip. “Fuck. I don’t… shit. Fine, whatever, but if you open any gates, I’m _out,_ this body is barely more resilient than a shadow clone. Hit it too hard and it just goes _poof._ Opsec isn’t the only reason I don’t get missions.”

Asuma drags his hands down his face. “Great. Is there anything _else_ I should know?”

“Sakura has a Rinnegan.”

“Fucking _what.”_

* * *

[1] In the case of this fic, the ‘Aburame district’ is a closed clan compound.

**Closed vs. open clan compounds:**

Closed compounds: exclusively one family, has walls, basically a gated community.

Open compounds: “well, almost everyone from this clan lives in this neighborhood, but it’s not really official, so you can probably buy a house there if you really want to.” Really more of a neighborhood than a gated community.

Canonically, the Uchiha had their own compound, and the Hyūga have one as well. I think it was legal but inadvisable for Hyūga to live outside of it, at least prior to marriage. The Nara have a closed compound because their lands include a forest, and there’s the whole thing with the deer, and I imagine the Aburame and Inuzuka had closed compounds for animal-related safety/care reasons. The Hatake also had a closed compound.

Conversely, I don’t think the Yamanaka or Akimichi or Senju had clan compounds, as such; more likely, they had the loose-collection-of-houses situation where there’s not really an official wall or boundary, and there’s probably a few non-relatives speckled throughout.

Exceptions to ‘all clan members live inside the closed compound’ for such clans exist, especially in cases of clan members who are in ANBU or perform diplomatic duties. By necessity, they have housing outside of the main compound. There are also some non-family inside the compound, though that is much rarer. Generally, non-members who live in a closed compound were either adopted in after performing a major service to the clan, or they currently perform an essential service such as being a live-in nurse for an elderly or disabled clan member that requires specialty, professional caregiving that a clan member is not qualified or able to perform.

[2] As discussed in a previous chapter, pronouns in Japanese don’t function the way they do in English. Kakashi does not ask for Orochimaru’s pronouns, because only first-person pronouns are gendered, and Orochimaru uses the decidedly neutral, slightly fem-leaning _watashi_ ; Kakashi’s primary change in speech would be to refer to Orochimaru as a person (hito) instead of a man (otoko). Honorifics can be gendered, but for Orochimaru, people will continue to use -san or -sama, dependent on the level of respect they have for them. The dialogue and narration from here on out will change to reflect the information that Kakashi has learned, as the story is written from his perspective, though few of those changes would be present in the actual words being spoken.

[3] Much like a dog, Kakashi has both an undercoat and guard hairs. He sheds.

[4] It’s not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gai is a Smart Cookie.
> 
> The one bit originally said "Stage Two cancer" but that felt... weird, tonally.
> 
> (SakuOro was just a one-time thing. I wanted to nod in the direction of that part of the fandom but it's probably not going to come up again.)


	31. Of Kids and Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the author tries for Soft but gets temporarily sidelined by The PTSD.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: ninja-standard child endangerment, minor emotional breakdown due to PTSD (not a full-blown panic attack) from a non-POV character, lab safety bitching
> 
> Read the end note because I have realized something _incredibly_ annoying and feel very dumb about it.

Technically speaking, hanging out on top of the wall around Konoha isn’t… allowed. They’re supposed to leave it open for ANBU patrols, guard rotations, high-priority returns that can’t be slowed down by the gates, and so on.

Technically.

Unfortunately for Konoha, people do it all the time anyway.

Kakashi initially came up here to eat his lunch while keeping an eye on Kabuto, who was Grounded until Tobirama finished a no-ninjutsu race around Konoha with Gai. Shisui was with them, but allowed to use shunshin to not get left behind.

They were on lap eighteen.

Something tickled at the edge of Kakashi’s senses. He focused, considered, and then leaned back far enough to look over the edge.

“Naruto.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re going to get yourself killed.”

“Haven’t yet.”

“Okay, but you _will.”_

“Okay, but I _haven’t.”_ Naruto takes Kakashi’s hand and lets herself get hauled up onto the flat top of the wall. “Besides, foxes.”

“That’s not…” Kakashi sighs and shakes his head. “Please don’t try to climb the wall again until you can stick to things with chakra.”

“But this is more fun.”

“No.”

“But it’s a _challenge.”_

Kakashi considers this for a moment, and then drags Naruto into his lap and wraps his arms around the kid. “Cool, so, I’m not letting you go until we’re back on the ground.”

“But you’re supposed to be babysitting the mini-snake.”

Kabuto snorts, and Kakashi shoots him a Look. He refocuses on the Academy student, though. “Who told you to call him that?”

“Anko-nee.”

There is… nothing surprising about that.

“Don’t call him a mini-snake,” Kakashi says.

“Why not?”

“It makes him sad.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Kabuto interrupts.

Naruto giggles. It’s a very cute giggle, except for how it makes Kakashi wonder what kind of prank she’s got planned now. It is, in fact, very similar to Kushina’s ‘evil cackle.’

“You worry me,” Kakashi tells the child in his lap. “Also, who wears skirts for climbing walls?”

“I saw Anko-nee do it.”

“Anko is a _terrible_ role model,” Kakashi says. “Also, she’s been training for years, and can _walk_ up walls, and her skirts are short enough that she won’t step on them anyway.”

“I could wear shorter skirts?”

“Not without leggings, you’re not.”

Naruto squirms and cranes her head around to squint suspiciously at him. Mostly she just looks constipated. “Is this one of those ‘age appropriation’ things?”

“Age appropriate,” Kakashi corrects, “and yes. Kind of. Leggings are also a safety thing, since they’ll keep you warmer than bare legs, and if you get good ones then they can protect you if you, say, trip and would otherwise skin a knee. If you get _ninja_ leggings, then they come with ninja mesh woven in and can deflect some projectiles.”

“So… which part is the age thing?”

“You’re ten and that means you shouldn’t be wearing anything shorter than your knees without leggings or shorts underneath,” Kakashi says. He’s not sure if that’s the _exact_ measurement, or if there’s really a length that people agree on, but it sounds about right. He probably seems like an adult. “Unless it’s summer and you’re going swimming, I guess? Then sometimes you can just wear a swimsuit and a sundress and skip the shorts? I don’t… you know what, ask Sakura-chan. She’d know better.”

“Sakura-nee, right?” Naruto asks. Ah, clarifying questions. Good. “Not the girl in my class?”

“I mean… both would know, probably, but ask your sister,” Kakashi says. “She’s a real grown-up. She’s got a medical degree and everything.”

“Does this mean you consider yourself a fake adult, Hatake-san?” Kabuto asks. He smiles so pleasantly. It’s very easy to believe that he’s just a normal teenage genin.

Kakashi wants to punt him off this wall.

“These kids are never going to believe I’m a real adult,” Kakashi says instead. “I’m a scarecrow.”

Naruto leans towards Kabuto, as far as she can with Kakashi holding her in place, and stage-whispers, “He’s the _dog man.”_

Kabuto meets Kakashi’s eyes. There is not a single twitch to suggest that he’s internally laughing at Kakashi.

But he _definitely_ is.

“I think the Inuzuka clan might be a little offended,” Kakashi says mildly, pulling Naruto back before she gets closer to one of the most dangerous teenagers Kakashi knows. He squishes her hands between his, folded into a snake sign, and she whines at him. Mostly, he ignores her. “Besides, what if I called your sister the ‘slug woman’ or something? People would think I was talking about Tsunade-sama.”

“Or Shizune-san,” Naruto argues.

“That just proves my point,” Kakashi drawls. “I am not _the_ dog man. Just _a_ dog man.”

“That’s a very minute di… di-stinc-tion,” Naruto says, tripping over the last word. It doesn’t bother her at all. She laughs when Kakashi groans.

“Who taught you to say that?”

“Karin.”

Yeah, no, he should have guessed.

“Karin is a terrible influence.”

“You said the same thing about Anko-nee.”

Kakashi sighs. “That’s because most of the girls in your life are terrifying.”

“Not _all_ of them are scary!” Naruto protests. “Like, uh, TenTen’s nice! And Ino can be mean, but she’s not _scary.”_

“Ino is a budding master of grand scale social manipulation,” Kakashi says.

Kabuto smirks, adjusts his glasses, and says, “even I’ve heard that much, and I’m under guard 24/7.”

Naruto considers this.

“So…” she drags the word out.

Kakashi digs his chin into the top of her head until she reaches up and tries to yank his mask off. “Mm-hm?”

“So,” Naruto huffs, “You’re talking about, like, how Ino made someone drop out last week?”[1]

What the _hell_ has been going on at the Academy?

\--

“I’m not a personal medic, you know.”

“I cannot emphasize how much I hate the hospital,” Kakashi says.

She meets his eyes, quirks a brow, and then shakes her head with a laugh. “I know, Kakashi-kun. I’m just teasing.”

Kakashi pulls his arm back as she finishes, examining the newly-repaired skin with an eye that’s more appreciative than critical. He takes the post-healing cream that Sakura passes him and does that part himself. It’s still going to need a day or two, but damn if the risk of infection isn’t lower like this.

“You look tense as hell,” she says, sliding into the kitchen chair next to him and resting her head on the heel of one palm. “ANBU?”

Kakashi shrugs. “Mostly, yeah. The whole… Obito thing, too.”

“Mm, makes sense,” she says. Her eyes lose focus, tracing over the wall behind him, and she says, “they’re going to announce Tsunade becoming Hokage tomorrow.”

He can’t parse her tone. He’s _can_ guess that he’s probably not the only one in the room that’s ‘tense.’ He tries to keep his response as neutral as he can. “Seems about time.”

She looks at him, and one side of her mouth quirks up. There are bags under her eyes. “Yeah. Seems it.”

They sit there for a few long moments, silent save for the ticking of the clock a few walls over, and the rustle of fabric as Kakashi wraps up the new scar.

When he pulls his sleeve back down, and looks at her, he worries. She’s looking past him again, through an unadorned wall and into a memory. He doesn’t know what to do, not really, but he reaches out and puts a hand on hers anyway. It works to draw her attention, at least. Maybe it’s enough.

“I don’t know if I can say anything that would help,” he says, heart pulsing in a way that throbs in his throat, uncomfortable and demanding attention. “But if you need to talk, I can listen.”

She hesitates.

“We can even do that tea you’re so fond of?”

She huffs out a shadow of a laugh. “Sure.”

A handful of minutes later, they’re on the couch, twisted to face each other, each with a leg up on the cushions. She seems even more wan, in the natural light from the windows. The kitchen casts a warm light, from the paint on the walls and the slightly old-fashioned bulbs, but here, it’s not so easy to hide.

Kakashi waits.

“When Tsunade-sama became Godaime… the first time, I mean…” Sakura grimaces, looks down and away, hair shuddering in the wake of such a sharp movement. “It was in the wake of tragedy. It was… _fuck.”_

Sakura’s not the one that usually curses.

“Where do you want to start?” Kakashi asks. He’s trying to be gentle. He’s _trying._ “Or should I ask questions?”

Sakura closes her eyes and licks her lips, seeming almost ready to cry, for some reason Kakashi can’t even begin to guess at. She takes a shuddering breath, and starts.

“Naruto and Sasuke had no one, the first time around,” she starts. “With Naruto, that just made him even more desperate to prove himself to the world around him, but with Sasuke… hell, you know what he was like before Kanna talked to him. Before Karin blackmailed him into going to grief counseling. You can imagine how he would have gotten.”

…blackmailed?

Never mind. He can look into it later. Or just pretend he didn’t hear it.

“I, um… shit, this is so much harder than it should be,” Sakura mutters, rubbing at her eyes with one hand. The other, shaking, puts her tea on the table before she can drop it. “I shouldn’t be this freaked out.”

Kakashi hesitates, but it’s probably the right thing to do. He puts his tea to the side, and reaches out to tap Sakura’s knee.

When she looks up, he raises his hands and gestures.

She takes a moment, and then doesn’t throw herself into his arms so much as just tip and collapse. He pulls her nearer, helping her get close enough to gain some measure of comfort without having to deal with her hip digging into his thigh or some such nonsense. He ends up with her head on his shoulder, and the position is… not unlike some that he’s seen Anko and Tenzō engage in, on the rare occasions that they are soft and caring without being utter wrecks.

“Walk me through it,” Kakashi says, running his fingers through her hair and against her scalp. She takes a long time to gather the words, and Kakashi _knows_ that it’s because she’s the kind of person to overthink everything, but the pause is still worrying. “Sakura?”

“Sorry,” she says, so fast it’s maybe instinct. Habit. A trained reaction for a girl that was raised to be both deadly kunoichi and proper lady. “It’s… okay. Team Seven. We were fucked up. I was more normal than them, bullied by kids my own age instead of actively traumatized. Still left marks, but something that could be… polished away, with time. Naruto and Sasuke… it’s more complicated.”

“Okay,” Kakashi says. He knows those parts. He waits.

“We, um… we had a C-rank. Land of Waves. Turned into an A-rank halfway through, you fought Momochi Zabuza. Twice. He died the second time, and so did his apprentice, which… Haku was a sweetheart. Deserves better. Er, anyway, Sasuke kind of… tried to jump in the way of a deadly attack on Naruto. Naruto lost Kyuubi control for a bit, and this was before Kurama got his shit together, so it was… not great. Only a tiny crack, really, but still not great. We thought Sasuke had died until the senbon melted and he woke up. And, like, that’s the sort of thing you can’t come out of _not_ being friends, right?”

“Right,” Kakashi says. Kannabi had been similarly formative for him, in the ways that mattered.

“Right,” Sakura repeats. “It’s… we might have been able to pull together and be _healthy_ as a team, maybe, but then there were the Chuunin Exams? And Orochimaru? And… honestly a _whole_ lot of stuff that doesn’t really matter anymore, it _definitely_ won’t happen, since Konoha’s been doing ambassador work and all, but…”

She trails off, and shudders as she breathes. He laces his fingers through hers and lets her squeeze some of the stress out. His bones grind.

“Orochimaru attacked your Chuunin Exams?” Kakashi prompts.

Sakura nods against his shoulder. “Yeah. Attacked Sasuke, in particular. Cursed Seal, like Anko’s, right here.”

She taps her neck, even though she doesn’t need to. Kakashi’s seen Anko’s often enough to _know._

“And… there was a lot going on, during the finals, I mean, Gaara was there and still completely broken, we all almost died at least once, Naruto got a summoning contract, you taught Sasuke Chidori—”

_Why?_

“—since you thought it would be the only way he could survive against Gaara—”

Oh. Right. She’d told him that already.

“—and then Orochimaru killed the Sandaime, a-and…” she sucks in a breath, words breaking. “A-anyway. Naruto went and got Tsunade with Jiraiya. Itachi and Kisame attacked, and you and Sasuke ended up in a coma that Tsunade had to fix. A lot of stuff happened, but, um, then Orochimaru sent some people to invite Sasuke to leave Konoha and join Otogakure? And Sa… Sasuke left. He left. He almost killed Naruto, Chidori through the chest, and _left.”_

His hand hurts, and he flexes just enough for her to notice she’s possibly breaking bones and relax her grip. When the familiar glow starts up, he’s not sure she even realizes she’s healing him, but he appreciates it anyway. He tilts his head enough to sort of rub his cheek against the crown of her head, an approximation of affection that he’s pretty sure she’ll understand anyway.

“So I know that… Tsunade becoming Hokage was an effect, a _symptom,_ of a bigger series of events. Objectively, I _know_ that, but part of me is still convinced that something is going to go horribly wrong as soon as she takes office.”

He gives her a few moments, and then says, “I’m pretty sure you already know that’s the PTSD talking.”

She laughs wetly and twists closer. “Believe it or not, I’m very aware of that.”

“Have you talked to Inoichi about it?” he asks. “Or… well, whoever you’ve got assigned to your case.”

“I’ve known him since I was four,” Sakura confesses. “So yeah, it’s Inoichi.”

Kakashi wonders absently what that’s like; to the best of his knowledge, Inoichi is the only individual privy to The Big Secret to have _known_ the younger Sakura before meeting the adult version. Inoichi’s probably had to… to work through all the shit that Kakashi gets to treat like a hypothetical, really.

“And?” Kakashi asks, not particularly interested in following that train of thought.

“I told him, but it’s not like there’s anything I can do for it that I’m not already doing for like… everything else,” Sakura admits. “It’s centered around the one event, at least, so the anxiety should fade once some time has passed. I think.”

“That’s good,” Kakashi says. He’s not sure where to take that. “Maybe a distraction?”

“Can we just stay like this for a bit?” Sakura asks.

“Yeah,” Kakashi says, because even if his leg is starting to go a little numb from the weight of her, some things are more important. “Sure. Take a nap, if you can.”

“Thanks, ‘Kashi-kun.”

\--

Sakura does fall asleep, and while Kakashi doesn’t want to wake her, he _does_ kind of have to go to the bathroom after a while.

He’s ANBU. He can slip out from under one napping woman.

It might require a Kawarimi with one of the decorative pillows, but he can do it.

He comes back to find that she’s still asleep, looking exhausted but calm, and decides that accidentally waking her by trying to replace the pillow she’s hugging is probably not the right move. He doesn’t want to just leave, but… hm.

Snacks? He can do snacks. He’s a _great_ cook and a decent baker.

Most of Sakura’s favorite foods involve pickling or agar jelly, and he doesn’t want to make something savory, so…

Cookies? Cookies. He’ll even make enough for the kids and whoever they bring home.

Kakashi takes a moment to activate one of the numerous privacy seals soaked into the walls, just so the blasted ‘open floor plan’ doesn’t result in Sakura waking up when he starts banging around with bowls and baking sheets. He gets to work on something relatively simple—he’s feeling snickerdoodle, but they don’t have any cream of tartar, so he switches tracks to make thumbprint cookies with jam instead—and hums a little as he measures and mixes and tries to make someone’s day a little better.

Sakura shifts a few times, but at no point does she wake. Kakashi gets the cookies in the oven, starts cleaning up, and realizes that he has no idea what to do with himself.

He’s never really been one for stress-baking, and he’s not even the person that’s _stressed_ here, but more food probably can’t go amiss, right? Five kids. Two adults. A bijuu. Plenty of visitors.

(All the things Naruto should have had anyway, and Kakashi’s heart twists in his chest as he thinks it.)

Right. More cookies? Bread? Everyone can always use more bread. Kakashi knows all the allergies in this house, none of them preclude bread. He doesn’t want to do anything that can’t be eaten cool, or anything too involved in case he has to leave quickly, so he doesn’t want to start on dinner until later. That said, bread.

Kakashi starts on some bread. Sakura’s still asleep, and after he sets the bread to rise, he wanders over just long enough to check that she’s breathing and doesn’t smell distressed. She’s fine. He goes back to the kitchen. The first round of cookies is done, and by that point, Kakashi’s started on some tiny cinnamon roll cookies he remembers memorizing from a cookbook with his Sharingan. He may or may not enter something of a haze of activity.

Someone enters the house, and he hears the inquisitive noises before the footsteps reach him.

“What the hell have you done to my kitchen?”

“Sakura was having a bad day,” Kakashi answers. He turns and smiles at Kanna, who’s looking over him and the various supplies like she’s not sure where they came from. “Tobirama-sama. Shisui-kun. Where are your…charges?”

“Sasuke’s at school,” Shisui explains, darting forward to grab a cookie before Kakashi can bat him away and make him go wash his hands. “Kabuto is, uh…”

“Mitarashi has absconded with him,” Tobirama explains, voice dry. “She seems to think he requires bonding time.”[2]

Anko, why.

“Okay, then,” Kakashi says. “I’m just… making food. I was going to surprise Sakura with the thumbprint cookies, but she still hasn’t woken up, and then I just… kept making things.”

“They’re really good, taichou.”

“Thanks, Shisui. Go wash your hands.”

“You’re not the boss of me.”

“Shisui,” Tobirama says. “I think that request was a reasonable one for _all_ of us.”

“…okay, you _are_ the boss of me, so… whatever.”

Kakashi snorts as Shisui edges out of the room, and barely shifts to let Tobirama and Kanna at the kitchen sink to wash up as well. They’re all quick about it, but Shisui’s the fastest. The other two prefer lab work above all else, and that means there’s a high likelihood of them having gotten a biohazard on them at some point in the course of the day. He’s not sure _which_ biohazard, but he’s pretty sure most of Kanna’s research deals with medical development and _probably_ something about cells.

“Are you going to round out that little team you’re building?” Kakashi asks, once the water’s off and people can hear him again. “I mean, you’ve like… quasi-adopted Kabuto, and more or less apprenticed Shisui to yourself, gonna find a third?”

Tobirama shrugs. The famous ruff wavers through the air. “I’m considering it.”

“Take the fur off while I’m baking,” Kakashi says, even though it’s a bit late for that. “I… no loose hair or fur in the kitchen.”

The Nidaime Hokage looks at Kakashi like he’s a yappy but amusing puppy, and takes off the ruff, slinging it over a chair on the other side of the counter. “It’s held without shedding for over seventy years, Hatake.”

“Did Orochimaru, like… take your clothes from your grave?” Kakashi asks. “How did they get the original ruff?”

“They didn’t.”

“Dude,” Kanna says, amused as all get-out. “Did you rob your own grave?”

“Is it really robbing if I’m reclaiming what’s already mine?”

“I feel like there’s probably paperwork that needs to be done first,” she points out. “I _definitely_ had to do paperwork to dig up Rin.”

“Wait,” Shisui interrupts. “What about me?”

“Oh, fuck no, getting _you_ was illegal so I didn’t even bother,” Kanna dismisses. “Clan laws dictated that we needed the Head’s permission, but that’s Sasuke, and we weren’t going to fuck him over like that. Discretion is the better part of valor and all that.”

“I feel like I should be more upset about that than I am,” Shisui says. He looks over at Tobirama. “What about you, didn’t you write most of those laws?”

“I did.”

“Okay… are you not, like, upset…?”

Tobirama lifts an eyebrow. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but Hiruzen, for all his questionable decisions regarding policy, is actually capable of administration, and Tsunade is much the same. Unlike with my brother, I do not feel a need to micromanage from the shadows. Hiruzen waiving procedure for the sake of not further traumatizing a child? It’s a good excuse, as far as I’m concerned, and also very much not my problem anymore.”

Kanna snorts. “Except the OSHA regs.”

“Lab safety is unfortunately much more important than he seems to realize,” Tobirama allows. “And quite frankly, there needs to be a review board to prevent another incident like Orochimaru.”

“Or your bullshit with Edo Tensei?”

“…or that, yes,” Tobirama says stiffly. “Though, given your own work—”

She kicks him in the shin, except he dodges and rolls his eyes.

“And if we could get the dumb noble kid who doesn’t remember to use the fume hoods out of my lab and into analytics or something?” Kanna asks hopefully. “Because, seriously, he already killed all his scent receptors. He’s going to die. He’s good with numbers but his common sense is lacking to the point where he’s going to kill himself.”

“Talk to Tsunade-chan about it,” Tobirama advises, stealing a cookie and allowing his expression to shade to something just a touch smug. “I’m retired.”

“Uh-huh,” Kanna says doubtfully. “You’re going to get antsy and _begging_ to be put in charge of city planning or something soon. We both know you want to rewrite the housing and development codes.”

“Oh, do we now?”

“Bitch, you once gave me a two-hour lecture on _zoning laws,”_ she hisses at him.

Tobirama remains unimpressed. “It was not that long, you had asked, and I’m not exactly _passionate_ about these things, just… aware.”

Kanna barks out a laugh. “Yeah. Right. Remind me what exactly it was that you were bitching about in Iron a few years ago? At the Mountain’s Graveyard?”

“I already said I’d help you with the OSHA rehaul,” Tobirama points out.

“You had an emergency clipboard.”

“It was warranted.”

“It was a goddamn cave in the middle of nowhere. There _was_ no regulation, asshole.”

Kakashi leans over to Shisui. “What are they talking about?”

“Madara’s weird cave lab, I think,” Shisui whispers back.

“—wasn’t even there to hear you! Or alive!” Kanna’s voice overrides any response Kakashi might have had.

“But Obito was there,” Tobirama points out. “Cave surgery. On a teenager. Who ran off before the bandages were ready to come off.”

“Okay, no, at least half of that was just Sasuke being a goddamn moron,” Kanna dismisses. “But also, hey, Kakashi. Tell me the next time your boytoy shows up, I want to yell at him.”

“First off, he’s not my boytoy, and you’re the _second_ person to call him that,” Kakashi complains. “Second, you’ll know when he does? You _always_ know where people are?”

“Not if I’m _asleep,”_ Kanna says. “Or unconscious. Or distracted. Or in a chakra-neutral warded room.”

“On average, though.”

“On average, just send a dog, or a clone, or Rin, or whoever’s in the area. Flag down a passing genin. I don’t care. Just get me.”

Tobirama looks far too satisfied about this. Kakashi resents him. He decides to be annoying about it.

“What are you even going to be yelling at him about? Isn’t it a security risk for you to come over while he’s there?” Kakashi whines. He looks down at the bowl in his hands and absently notes that he should probably add some cinnamon soon.

“He was the one using Madara’s stupid cave lab,” Kanna says. “I’m sure Tobirama here memorized the criticisms—”

“You know, you should probably refer to me at least a _little_ more respectfully, Uzumaki.”

“—and, hold on, fuck you, Senju, I’ll call you by your title when you admit I was right about the Kiri paradox, _anyway,_ I need to yell at him about the poor ventilation and faulty thermometers and lack of emergency showers or eye wash stations.”

“And the lack of proper sterilization systems,” Tobirama offers helpfully.

“Oh, _absolutely_ the lack of a proper sterilization; bastard _barely_ had hot water,” Kanna grumbles.

Kakashi wants to shove this into ‘not his problem’ land. That is not an option, apparently.

“Y’all are weird,” Shisui says. “Just pointing it out.”

“We’re _responsible,”_ Kanna says, properly offended. “These are valid things to be upset about!”

Kakashi feels the presence before Shisui does, but he doesn’t beat out the other two. He tries not to feel upset about it, because Kanna and Tobirama are in the realm of ‘terrifying’ in many respects, and sensing is one of the ones they share in common.

(They have a lot in common. It’s a little concerning, actually.)

“Mm, ‘Kashi-kun?” Sakura mumbles, stumbling into his back and pressing her face to his spine. Her arms are curled to her chest, but one of her hands grips at his shirt. “Why are people here?”

“Your wife brought home some friends,” Kakashi says, craning his head back in an attempt to see her. It doesn’t work. His blind spot is too big. “One of them is Nidaime-sama. He seems rather upset at her lack of respect.”

“I’m not upset,” Tobirama says. He’s calm enough about it that it’s probably even true.

“Bitch deserves it,” Kanna adds, earning herself a scoff from said Nidaime. “What? You _do._ I was right about the paradox, and _you won’t admit it.”_

“Because you weren’t actually right. We were both wrong.”

“I will _cut_ you, I swear to fucking—”

A wet towel, puffing slightly with flour, slaps lightly against her face and falls limply to her shoulder.

“You’re being loud,” Sakura mumbles into Kakashi’s back. She shifts enough that he can see her peering around him. “Stop being loud.”

“You… threw a wet towel at me,” Kanna says, blinking behind badly-smudged glasses.

“You were _loud,”_ Sakura repeats, as if that’s reason enough. “Kakashi’s my favorite right now.”

“I’m your _wife.”_

“Yeah, but ‘Kashi made cookies,” Sakura says, finally separating herself from his back to slip around and eat one. “Really, really good cookies.”

“They _are_ good,” Shisui agrees, popping out of nowhere next to Kakashi and getting an egg smashed into his nose before Kakashi’s brain catches up to his instincts.

The silence reigns for longer than it reasonably should. Then Sakura starts laughing.

“You surprised me,” Kakashi defends.

“I compliment you, and _this_ is what I get?” Shisui bemoans. “Hey, hey, Nidaime-sama—”

“No,” Tobirama says. “Whatever the question is, I say no.”

“Wait, what? Why?! You don’t even know my question!”

“You’re supposed to be fast. You just got an egg to the face.” Tobirama crosses his arms, eyeing the egg that Shisui has not wiped off, for some reason. “Clearly, you need more training.”

“…okay, not actually going to complain about that,” Shisui says, “because training with you is, like, a dream come true, but you still don’t know what my question even was!”

“And yet. No.” 

* * *

[1] Despite Kakashi’s internal worries, Ino did not bully a child out of the Academy. She paid attention to her surroundings, noted that one particular student was scoring well enough to stay in class but showing extreme aversion to killing even small animals, and that the teachers had managed to miss such a thing due to recent education department restructuring having thrown the budget into disarray.

So Ino talked to the girl, got her help rejected, and then just shrugged and talked to the girl’s civilian parents.

(Kakashi worries too much. Ino’s good, but she’s only ten. Sometimes the solution really is to just go from A to B without making a detour to H.)

[2] I have never read Homestuck, and do not wish to have people assume that I’m using the word in connection to the comic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so PLEASE don't make this the only thing you comment on, but:  
> Had an Interesting Realization last night.  
> Namely.  
> Part of the reason I've been having trouble developing the KakaSaku and KakaKanna romance? I forgot sexual attraction exists.  
> I. I forgot. That it was a thing.  
> I accidentally wrote Kakashi as a sex-positive ace and NOT A SINGLE ACE READER noticed while my demi and allo readers are just telling me they thought it was intentional.  
> I've been writing this fic for like three months? I've been trying to figure out why the romance was feeling weird for weeks? THIS FIC IS OVER THIRTY CHAPTERS LONG. OVER A HUNDRED AND SIXTY THOUSAND WRODS LONG.  
> And I just. I forgot. I forgot that sexual attraction exists.  
>  _It's that bad._
> 
> https://phoenixyfriend.tumblr.com/post/635994363093221376/
> 
> And you know what? I only figured it out because of a TikTok:  
> https://lgbt-tiktoks.tumblr.com/post/634329383506673664


	32. Kiss Me For Science

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something's being fanned, but it sure isn't flames. Probably. What even IS that attack...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:  
> Inconvenient boners*, minor panic, threat-flirting, sex jokes, and a make-out session.  
> * The boner is in reaction to a slightly older peer (both parties adults), but accidentally happens in the presence (though not in the sight of) a minor. The minor does not notice, and is not involved beyond being in the area.

Karin and Kanna are _both_ learning how to use the stabby kind of fan. Not tessen, since those are unwieldy for anyone who isn’t built of muscle, and neither of them is wind natured— _duh—_ but the kind that look like mai ogi until they push in a bit of chakra and snap out the blades. Kakashi thinks they’re both terrifying enough already, but Kanna’s got an eye for finery, and Karin seems to like the opportunity for subterfuge. The kunoichi they’re learning from isn’t one Kakashi’s had a lot of interaction with, but she’s both competent _and_ eager to teach. She has no ugly sentiments against ‘the demon brat,’ according to Kanna, which was admittedly the biggest fear any of the Uzumaki had had when Anko had first recommended the kunoichi.

Well, the biggest fear after ‘Karin tries to practice at home without an adult who knows the weapon, manages to hurt herself, and scares us all half to death,’ but that’s why Kanna’s learning with her.

Kakashi doesn’t actually know the teacher’s name, but he vaguely recalls that she’s named after some kind of flower.

Jiraiya seems to be happy that his gift is being appreciated. He’s slightly less happy when Kanna shoots him a fanged grin, swipes the fan in a particular movement, and causes the spikes on the ends to release crescents of pure chakra.[1]

Karin can’t do that, but she isn’t the one hosting half of a Kyuubi. She just uses her fans to more directly slice through training posts in a way that looks very much like dancing, and is surprisingly different from Kanna’s more solid, vicious movements. Karin enjoys hiding her blades, learning the moves to get the blades out and in someone’s jugular before they realize she’s doing anything more than approaching with a smile. She’s quick and fluid and leaning on the element of surprise as often as not.

Kanna learns like she’s getting ready to fight a prolonged battle. Her movements are _powerful._ They are meant not for assassinations or single targets in ballrooms. They are meant for wiping out platoons in a war.

“Scary, aren’t they?” Jiraiya asks him, arms crossed and smirking. It’s a proud smirk, a little amused, but mostly good things. He’s only leered once, and that wasn’t at an Uzumaki. Neither of the redheads have even bothered to do more than glance their way yet.

The kunoichi teaching them has asked Jiraiya to politely keep his eyes to himself until after the lesson.

Kakashi tries not to think about what that means for her plans once the Uzumaki and Kakashi are gone.

The end of one of Kanna’s katas brings her around to face them, and she smirks at Kakashi. “Looking for a spar, Hatake?”

“Maybe later,” Kakashi calls back. “Jiraiya-sama wanted to talk to you about something.”

Jiraiya raises a hand. “Sorry, just got back in town this morning.”

Kanna looks at him, purses her lips, and sighs. “Right. Kanon-san, is now a good time for a break?”

The instructor looks to Jiraiya, then back to Kanna. “I could keep training with your sister while you speak?”

Kanna shrugs. “Works for me. Oi, toad man, what’s up?”

Jiraiya pulls Kanna aside, voices low. It’s about Orochimaru, apparently, and only the surface-level of the situation gets discussed where anyone can hear. It’s enough for Kakashi to catch that the two of them _really_ need to talk in private later, at least, which he guesses was the main reason for Jiraiya seeking Kanna out first thing. There’s going to be sealing, sure, but for all that the students of Orochimaru’s little cult know them better _recently…_ Kanna is actually cooperative, and knows the would-could-should of the snake, and how to neutralize the threat they pose without ridding Konoha of the potential for aid.

He gives them a few minutes, and watches Karin and Kanon—jeez, Jiraiya’s the only person in this training field that _doesn’t_ have a name that starts with Ka—go through a kata that looks like it probably doubles as a classical dance in the Daimyou’s court. That’s almost definitely intentional, and Karin seems to find it exciting. Kakashi doesn’t bother to copy the movements with his Sharingan, because learning entire new weapon styles isn’t exactly the same thing as learning a specific new technique.

No, he’s content to watch a master at work as she teaches a child, and… actually, Kanon seems really good at teaching. He wonders if she’s done any stints at the Academy. Maybe he can ask later.

“Hey, Hatake.”

Kakashi cranes his head around and meets Kanna’s smirk. “Hm?”

“Wanna see something cool?”

“Your tone scares me… but I am intrigued,” Kakashi admits. He pushes away from the tree and follows her out into the field. Jiraiya trails after them. “What’s up?”

“Hey, Kanon-san! I’m gonna show Kakashi the thing!”

“What thing?”

“The tails thing.”

Kanon’s eyebrows jump up towards her hairline, but then she just snorts and shakes her head. “Alright. Hey kid, we need to move.”

“Aneki, no _fair,”_ Karin complains, but lets herself get shepherded towards the trees. Kanna ignores her, and Kakashi does the same.

“Okay,” Kanna says. “So, basic movement of the crescent waves.”

She takes a stance, channels chakra, and swipes one fan across her front. The blood red crescents from before spin out and away, damaging a handful of trees at the other end of the training field.

“Nice,” Kakashi says.

“It is, isn’t it?” Kanna smirks as she speaks, and snaps one fan closed to drop a hand to her abdomen, she twists, and with a flare of chakra, her form changes. Five tails. Fox ears. Whisker marks. If he were to edge around to see her more clearly, the slit pupils would probably be there, too.

Jiraiya hisses behind them, but when Kakashi darts a glance to Kanon, the woman looks unsurprised by the shift. She knows.

“Now, watch _this.”_ Kanna takes the same stance, a fan in each hand, and whips one around exactly as before.

The increase in effect is… concerning.

“How—how the _hell?”_ Jiraiya sputters. “I thought you said the solid chakra manifestations didn’t actually affect your output levels!”

“They don’t!” Kanna cheerily reports. _“Usually._ We’re still not sure what’s going on to make _this,_ specifically, react so much more strongly. I mean, there’s usually a small increase, but it’s negligible. For some reason, the fans and claws are different.”

“Hold on, claws?” Jiraiya demands.

“Oh yeah, that’s new,” Kanna says. She smirks, and holds up a hand, fingers curled. “Wanna find out?”

Jiraiya pauses, and then takes a sliding step sideways, right to the spot behind Kakashi.

“Are you using me as a human shield?”

“Yes.”

“You’re treating me to lunch, then.”

Jiraiya sputters. “I didn’t agree to that!”

“I require payment for use as a human shield, Jiraiya-sama.” Kakashi steps to the side and wonders if he should pull out a book to increase the ‘I care not for your fate’ vibe. It would probably backfire, since the book is _by_ Jiraiya, but he considers it anyway.

He doesn’t pull it out, mostly because Karin is snickering, and getting laughed at by an eleven-year-old girl is certainly embarrassing enough.

“What, lunch is all you need?” Kanna asks, head tilted and fox ears flicking once. “I’d thought I was dangerous enough to warrant a little extra in protection money, Jounin-san.”

Kakashi shrugs. “Your kids like me too much. You wouldn’t cause lasting damage.”

“Confident,” Kanna says, stepping closer and letting a smile curl across her face. “Still, no word for how much _I_ like you? I thought we were _friends,_ Kakashi.”

He feels distinctly hunted, but he thinks it’s probably in the fun way, so he lets her encroach, backing him up against a tree. His vest hits wood, and he lifts a hand in surrender. He smiles with his lone eye. “Sometimes I question it. You scare me, after all.”

Her smile curls darkly, and then a closed fan is under his chin, tipping his head up. It’s an easy position to get out of, and he’s taller than her; there’s not much about it to worry about, even with the blades pushing lightly into the mesh fabric of his mask. The twist of her lips and half-lidded eyes, however…

Kurama’s chakra comes off of her in wisps, turned to the barest hint of killing intent. It’s feral, ferocious, and fucking terrifying.

He trusts her, but when she steps closer, licks her lips to show off those fangs and tilts her head like she’s trying to dissect him with her eyes… his breath catches.

“I scare you, do I?”

Her voice is a low purr, less fox and more big cat, but pleased and predatory all the same. The dark light in her eyes is still there, tails twitching faintly behind her. The fan pushes his head up, just the slightest bit more.

His stomach twists.

“You’re a very powerful woman, Kanna,” he finally says, and that blunted kunai of a smile sharpens right up.

She leans in, and Kakashi feels the tip of the fan trail down his throat, light and not even damaging the fabric, just… a casual show of power on her part, and trust on his.

“I’m glad to hear it,” she whispers, and bites her lip. She looks down a moment, considering, and Kakashi finds that he doesn’t mind the assessing look she casts up and down his body. It’s not the ‘I’m going to dissect you’ look, for one thing, and one of the tails comes around to brush at his hip. She taps her fan against the collar of his flak jacket, and her eyes flick back up to his. It’s like she’s got him pinned with that gaze, though he’s not sure if it’s the bijuu chakra wrapping its fingers around his throat or just the knowledge of what this woman can do. “Keep this on, will you? I’d hate for us to lose you this late in the game.”

What?

“I always do,” he breathes out before his brain catches up with him, because Kakashi’s been a smartass for too long to _not_ have a track in his brain dedicated to automatic responses that make people want to shove his head in a toilet.

Kakashi’s not sure if he should call her smile foxy or catlike. Mostly, he thinks he should call it dangerous. She pulls away, laughter in her eyes, and—

“Aneki! Are you two done flirting yet?” Karin whines, and Kakashi’s brain catches up with him as Jiraiya’s quiet swears reach his ears.

He turns his head, single eye wide as he processes what just happened, and in front of whom.

“That wasn’t…” Kakashi starts to say, and then trails off, because it… was? Maybe?

Kakashi looks at the woman who was recently holding a bladed fan to his throat and asking if he was scared of her, and her expression is blankly expectant.

Jiraiya coughs pointedly, and Kakashi’s eye skims over Kanon—irritated—and Karin—glaring at her sister—and lands on the sage.

Jiraiya nods down at Kakashi, and then widens an eye and tilts his head towards little Karin.

Paired with a hand sign, the look says ‘check yourself, because you’re sharing information in the wrong company.’

Kakashi looks down.

_Wrong company indeed._

He triggers a shunshin and gets the hell out of there.

\--

Kakashi feels her follow him. He slows down, because while he’s definitely _faster,_ she’s got better stamina and can track his chakra to the ends of the earth. He’s not getting away without convincing her he’s entered such a state of panic that she’d be detrimental to his mental health, so he aims for somewhere secluded and lands on a large boulder. He picks Training Ground Twenty-Seven, because it isn’t used much, and has a waterfall that can hide their conversation from prying ears.

There’s a scuffing noise as Kanna lands next to him, and sits down a few feet away.

“I’m sorry,” he says. He doesn’t look at her, just tracks flashes of movement from the corner of his eye.

“It was as much my fault,” she immediately dismisses. “More, probably.”

“Still, Karin was there—”

“Kakashi, your pants are baggy as hell and you were at a weird angle to me and the tree, _and_ there was a tail in the way. Jiraiya’s probably the only one that noticed, and even if he wasn’t, Karin was distracted. Popping a boner in front of my little sister isn’t _optimal,_ but given that I was messing with your adrenaline by _threat-flirting,_ and she didn’t even _notice,_ I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s not the end of the world.” She looks at him, though he still hasn’t turned enough to see the details. “Hatake. Look at me.”

He does.

She’s balanced on that edge of exasperated and fond, and maybe a lot tired. “Did you only panic because of my sister? Or…”

“I don’t…” he tries, and then shakes his head. He gestures at his crotch, which is already almost back to normal. “This doesn’t happen often.”

“Uncontrolled boners?” she prompts.

Kakashi tries not to grimace. “You could say that.”

She waits, and one of the tails flicks over Kakashi’s hand on the boulder.

“I didn’t know sexual attraction was a real thing until I was twenty-one,” he says. “Or at least, I thought everyone was exaggerating, or maybe that it was just a civilian thing. I didn’t think about it a lot.”

She makes an acknowledging noise.

“I knew thinking about sex could cause… _reactions,”_ he says, trying to find the right way to put the words together. “But I rarely… I don’t know. I like sex. I know what I find attractive, objectively. I just don’t… feel things that people seem to think are universal.”

“Demi,” Kanna says.

Kakashi shrugs. “It’s the closest, yeah. I’m not sure if it’s the right box, but it’s… a decent summary.”

She looks away for long minute, the silence only broken by the rushing of the waterfall.

“Me too,” she says. “Not the same way, but…”

Kakashi finally chances a look over. “Same way?”

Kanna grimaces and scratches behind one fox ear. “Usually, sexuality is a result of just… being. Genetics, maybe, we’re still not sure, but… it’s just a thing that happens. Natural. Every species in the world capable of sexual differentiation has a noticeable rate of homosexual activity, and most have a rate of asexuality as well, and so on. But… there are exceptions.”

He thinks he can guess where this is going, when he looks at how she’s tucked her knees to her chest and won’t meet his eyes.

“Trauma?” he guesses, voice low and quiet and as far from judgmental as he can make it, because she’s not the first to have told him this sort of thing, and he doubts she’ll be the last.

She meets his eyes, and the look in her eyes is… wry, maybe. Not amused, except in a very dark, very resigned way. “Never sexual, but the way someone _uses_ your body doesn’t have to… it’s not…”

“You don’t have to explain it,” he says, when she trails off, face turning pink with frustration. “I know what you went through. I can connect the dots.”

“It’s the vulnerability and trust issues and a million other things all combining,” she says. “And… yeah. Demi. _Artificially_ so, but—”[2]

“But if the label fits, you use it,” Kakashi interrupts. “And you don’t have to justify it to anyone except _maybe_ yourself, and even that’s not really necessary.”

She huffs out a laugh and smiles at him sidelong. “Therapy, huh?”

“I mean, if I have to go anyway, I might as well learn some self-affirmation and whatnot,” he says.

Kanna dips her head in an imitation of a nod, but instead tucks her chin against her shoulder. “Guess so.”

She’s quiet for a moment, and then quietly asks, “did I make you uncomfortable?”

“Hm?”

“With the flirting,” she clarifies. “You’re still working through where we go from here, right? It wasn’t fair for me to pull that.”

He looks away and over at the waterfall, turns the question over in his mind and just… thinks.

“I don’t know,” he finally says. “I enjoyed the flirtation in the moment, and I don’t have the same hang-ups about you as I do Sakura. It was… easier to process.”

“We figured,” she says. “Do you mind if I ask? Where you’re at with that whole thing?”

Kakashi shrugs. “I’m… getting closer, I think. I’m working on it.”

He doesn’t meet her eyes, doesn’t tell her that he still can’t make the decision, for all that he knows it should be an easy one. He’s never _really_ met the Sakura-that-was. He’s only encountered the little one in Naruto’s class a handful of times, and doesn’t really know her any more than he does Hyūga Hinata or Rock Lee. Kakashi knows, objectively, that very few people were basically raised by their Jounin-sensei the way Minato raised him, after Sakumo’s death. He knows this.

He knows that, objectively, he’s been interested in these women for well over a year. Romantically and…

He’s working on it.

“Would it help if you kissed me?” Kanna asks.

He freezes, eyes on the ground, and the only parts of her that he can see are two of the tails and the sides of her boots. One of the tails flicks, and he feels the air rush out of him. He shivers.

“What do you mean?”

The tails both flick this time. “Sakura and I made a decision, a while back. If it helps you figure out how you feel about _both_ of us, then you can kiss me. Make out, even, but only the once.”

He looks up at her face. She adjusts her glasses and tilts her head, and continues, “if you were only interested in Sakura, we’d have been fine doing a V-shaped thing, with you dating her, and me just being a friend, but since you’re interested in _me,_ we’re a package deal. To be completely transparent, we also agreed that it’s the other way around with Anko; she’d have gotten either me, or both of us, but if she were only interested in Sakura, then we’d have turned her down.”

It makes sense, objectively. If one of them were more attached to someone, it would be painful for that person to date the other wife. Completely sensible.

“And you want to kiss me,” he says, because he’s still stuck on that part.

She shrugs. “If it helps you figure out what to do about _us,_ then yeah. You’re cute and I trust you, and I’ve been told you’re good at it.”

Dammit, Genma.

“But,” she reiterates. “Only the once. Unless you decide to date _both_ of us, nothing else happens between you and me.”

“Makes sense,” he says. He feels his palms itch under his gloves, just slightly sweaty. Nervous, he knows. “Do you, um, tell Sakura? Afterwards?”

She blinks slowly at him, and nods. “I can give you two weeks before I tell her I kissed you, if you’d like.”

Kakashi wonders if it would be easier to make this decision if he just jumped into the pool at the bottom of the waterfall and cooled off. The answer is ‘probably not,’ and if it did, he’d just be causing himself more problems. His eyes land on Kanna’s whisker marks, trace down to her lips, and…

He looks her over, and she’s _terribly_ patient about it. It’s concerning, because he knows it’s not common, and he appreciates it.

“Have you ever made out with the fangs before?” he asks quietly.

Her head tilts the other way, fox ears flicking once. She smirks, showing the fangs in question off. “Sakura and I have had some fun, yeah.”

Kakashi feels his heart enter his throat, and takes a moment to push it back down. Right.

He reminds himself quickly that this isn’t _just_ for Sakura’s sake, on Kanna’s side. She’s definitely shown interest before. They were flirting plenty just a few minutes ago.

“Now?” he asks.

She shrugs. “If you want.”

“And the others? We did leave pretty abruptly.”

She smirks and forms a shadow clone.

The clone drapes herself over her creator’s shoulders and smiles in a way that is… _definitely_ meant to be seductive.

Teasing, but seductive.

“You don’t have to decide right now,” she tells him. “The offer’s single-use but open indefinitely.”

“You make it sound so _weird,”_ he whines.

She raises an eyebrow, and then straightens like she’s just been hit by an absolutely amazing idea.

This is not at all comforting.

“Come on, Hatake,” she says, leaning forward and grinning. “Fuck me _For Science.”_

The strangled noise Kakashi releases is not flattering. This assessment of his own voice is immediately confirmed by Kanna’s unashamed cackling.

 _“Uzumaki-san,”_ he manages. “You can’t just _say that.”_

“Can. Did.” She smirks, foxlike. “Watcha gonna do about it?”

His response is to lean forward and kiss her.

Kakashi blames the situation, later. He only has to defend himself _to_ himself, but he likes being able to say ‘she messed with my head until I started acting on instinct’ about it. That _this_ should not be instinct is irrelevant.

It lasts a scant moment before she pulls back with a question.

“Did you seriously forget to take off your mask?”

“Shut up,” he says, ever eloquent, and then yanks his mask down and tries again.

Distantly, he notes that her clone has run off back to the others. He dismisses this information in favor of pressing the slightest bit closer and twisting his head to slot their lips more naturally. It works, and he maybe huffs a laugh at the fact that his own lips are softer than hers; hers are dry and chapped, while Kakashi keeps his mouth safe behind a mask.

She lifts a hand to trace fingertips across his cheek, and Kakashi lets the movement pull him in closer, shuffling along the rock until she can press their thighs together, torso twisting just enough to—oh.

She’s in his lap.

Kanna settles her weight onto Kakashi’s legs like she belongs there, and he spares a thought for how those thigh-highs she’s so fond of are probably all that’s protecting her from destroying her knees on the boulder beneath them. Then she bites his lip, just hard enough for him to jolt back with a stifled whine.

“Your mind is wandering,” she chides, lifting herself up with her hands on his shoulders, and resettling on his legs just a hair closer. One of her tails brushes against the hand he’s gotten fisted in the side of her shirt. It tickles.

Kakashi realizes she took her glasses off. He’s not entirely sure when. He’s also not entirely sure where they are now.

Kanna leans forward again, but bypasses his mouth. She lets her face just barely skim against his, and pauses with her mouth against his ear. He tries to catalogue all the limbs—she has five extra, after all—but he’s mostly aware of how her hand pulls at his hair, drawing a gasp from his lips. Her fox ear flicks when she laughs, fine hairs prickling along his cheek, and then she takes his earlobe in her mouth and tugs.

When he whimpers, she lets go and laughs and licks the shell of his ear. “Sensitive, are you?”

“Maybe just a bit,” he says, and ducks his head to press open-mouthed kisses along her neck. He almost goes to bite, because it’s something he does with _all_ his partners, except… well. It’s _Kanna._

If he bit her, he’d land in the hospital _at best,_ and he’d deserve every moment of it.

“Fuck,” she whispers, and then uses her grip on Kakashi’s hair to pull his mouth back to hers. “Kiss _me,_ not my _neck,_ you assh—mm.”

She doesn’t quite melt against him, but she lets him put a hand to the small of her back, lets him pull her flush against him while she presses her tongue into his mouth and coaxes him into returning the favor. Her hips arch into his abdomen, because it seems like Kanna is anything but slow or shy, and he’s not surprised when she snaps and demands he take his vest off. She only takes a moment to make sure it’s laid out so his head doesn’t smack against the rock when she pushes him down, and Kakashi lets her put her weight against him, sinking back and then squirming until he doesn’t have to use chakra or weird flexibility to keep them from sliding off the boulder.

Kanna manages to keep her shirt on, barely.

Kakashi doesn’t.

\--

When Kakashi runs into Jiraiya later that night, hours after Kakashi’s already trained with Tenzō and showered, when Kakashi’s already progressed to wandering through the market to find a quick, cheap meal that still tastes good… well, let it not be said that Jiraiya’s bad at recognizing when someone’s been getting frisky.

 _“How?”_ Kakashi grouses, as Jiraiya treats him to some yakitori as an apology for laughing at him in the middle of the street. “You can’t _see_ the marks, and I know you didn’t follow us. There’s no smell, and I washed after sparring, so it can’t even be the hair.”

“It was in how you walked,” Jiraiya told him. “You were doing the half-swagger of someone who got lucky, but not _that_ lucky, but also probably wasn’t hoping to get that lucky in the first place.”

“Bullshit,” Kakashi accuses. “You sent a toad after us, didn’t you?”

“Kid, you know what _both_ of my jobs are,” Jiraiya reminds him. That damnable laugh is still in his voice, the old bastard. “You seriously think I can’t tell these things based on a walk?”

“I’m _ANBU.”_

“I ran an entire division of ANBU while you were in the _Academy,”_ Jiraiya says, voice so dry that Kakashi knows it won’t carry to anyone but him. It’s a no-bullshit tone so strong that it’s got to be paired with an anti-eavesdropping technique, if not exactly one that Kakashi knows.

“I don’t believe you,” Kakashi says, just to be contrary.

Jiraiya rolls his eyes. “Uh-huh. How’s that denial treating you?”

“Phenomenally, o sensei of my sensei.”

Jiraiya ruffles his hair. Kakashi doesn’t duck away. “You’ve grown up to be _incredibly_ annoying, kid.”

“I know.”

Kakashi _does_ duck the smack upside the head that Jiraiya tries to give him.

“You’re slowing down, old man.”

“Yeah? Dodge _this.”_

The ensuing chase may or may not end with them getting dragged in front of a very, very displeased Godaime.

* * *

[1] Just think Inuyasha’s bloody claw attack, but out of a fan. We good? Good.

[2] “Artificially” is a very loaded word when it comes to asexuality, and I wouldn’t use it when speaking of most people in the community. However, Kanna’s background, day job, and traumas all involve medical and lab work, and her own views on her experiences aren’t always the healthiest. Between her terminology erring towards ‘detached and scientific’ and her self-esteem erring towards ‘there’s something a little wrong with me,’ the language she uses to talk about her own lived experiences is objectively concerning, but accurate to her worldview and way of thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stalled out on the make-out scene for over a month, and in that time, I went and wrote an 8.7k one-shot where Karin is a fox goddess, half the fic is me playing with Fairy Tale Language, and also there's nonsense worldbuilding. It's called "Lifeblood Hunter" and I'm fairly proud of it, for how impulsively I wrote it.
> 
> If you want to see other things I've been brainstorming recently, [you can visit this post](https://phoenixyfriend.tumblr.com/post/632199760344973312/), or go through the tags "Phoenix Posts" (full fic concepts) and "Phoenix Talks" (shorter shitposts, mostly).  
> 


	33. Dangerous Hobbies and Cheese Dip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promise there's no product placement, Anko just hates talking about her feelings (and apparently likes cheese dip, who knew).
> 
> Also... they're not trying to slutshame but they _might_ be trying to draw up a slutrubric.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for:  
> Children engaging in dangerous hobbies (while scheming to distract adults)  
> Minor crack content  
> Disregard of someone's personal boundaries (by a child to an adult)  
> Joking references to cannibalism  
> Heavy Emotional Conversations  
> Affectionately calling one another a slut (IDK if this requires a content warning but [shrug emoji] it happens)  
> Mild sexual content (dirty talk followed by a fade to black)

“Okay,” Kakashi says. “So what have we learned?”

“That reversing the energy bleed-off in an explosive seal _could_ result in a higher candela count for the flash, but only if you don’t adjust the timer,” Karin says promptly.

“Wait, is _that_ what you were trying to do?” Naruto asks. “I thought we were—oof!”

Karin removes her pointy elbow from Naruto’s ribs and beams up at Kakashi.

“Karin.”

“Mm-hm?”

“You created a dimensional vortex.”

“Not really.”

Sai chooses this moment to butt in. “That is exactly what happened, Karin.”

“Okay, sure,” Karin admits, “But it was just a small one _and_ we managed to shut it down!”

“Only because Kurama-ji _jumped into it,”_ Naruto mutters, scuffing their sandals against the ground.

Kakashi has a headache. “Children. Focus. Now. What are you _not going to do?”_

Karin does not answer this question. She seems to be trying very hard to find an answer that’s as frustrating as possible, but coming up short.

Naruto picks up the slack. “We’re not gonna test limits that should only be tested by adults with fuuinjutsu mastery?”

Sai nods. “We’re not going to fuck around and find out.”

“Sai!” Naruto immediately protests. “Swear jar!”

Goddamn. Kakashi wishes he wasn’t the only adult here, but Kurama got sucked into some _seal-based Kamui knock-off,_ so he’s up a creek without a paddle, really.

Kakashi’s still trying to figure out how to convince Karin and Naruto to stop messing around with forces beyond their ken, because they _really_ need to stop before they summon a horrifying extradimensional demigod or something, when space tears open again.

At least this time, it’s a familiar kind of tear.

“What the _hell?”_ Obito demands, shoving Kurama at them. Obito’s in full uniform, swirl mask and all. He’s glaring at Kakashi and ignoring the children. That’s a good sign for the kids’ safety, but deeply unfair to Kakashi.

Kurama stumbles into Kakashi, which is surprising for all of a moment. Even a bijuu isn’t going to be completely safe going through wildly experimental fuuinjutsu concocted by a bunch of Academy students.

“I wasn’t expecting you to fall for me, Kurama-sama,” Kakashi says, while he tries to get his brain to catch up.

Kurama snarls into his ear, but doesn’t stand under his own power. “Fuck off, Hatake.”

“Who are _you?”_ Karin demands from somewhere behind Kakashi.

“Your worst nightmare,” Obito tells her, flat as sin.

“Nah, my worst nightmare is three countries away,” Karin dismisses. Sai makes a small, upset noise at this. “You’re just some weirdo in an ugly coat.”

“It’s not ugly!” Obito protests.

Kurama groans. He still doesn’t stand up. “I hate kids.”

“You love the brats,” Kakashi says, patting his back. “Do you want to go, uh, home?”

“Not while your personal jackass is here,” Kurama grunts. “Also, fuck you, ‘Tobi.’ That coat is _absolutely_ ugly.”

Sai claps a hand over Naruto’s mouth before more shouting about swear jars happens. They smile at Kakashi. “Ignore us.”

“Absolutely not,” Karin says. “Do not ignore me, under any circumstances.”

Obito points at her, and then looks at Kakashi. “I’m blaming this on you.”

“How the hell do you pick _Karin_ to blame on me?” Kakashi demands. “Naruto, maybe, Sai, sure, but _Karin?_ That’s _all_ on Kanna.”

“I scare him,” Karin pipes up. “He calls me a tiny terror who’s taking over the Academy social environment in a truly horrifying manner.”

“Are you?” Obito asks.

“Not as such.”

Obito stares at her for a moment, and then turns to Kakashi again. “What.”

“Don’t ask me,” Kakashi says. “Kurama knows more.”

“Kurama,” the bijuu in question says, “just got punted into somebody’s eyeball via fuuinjutsu experiments by pre-Genin, and isn’t explaining shit about the kids until _somebody_ gets over here to dole out punishments.”

There’s some more staring as Kakashi pats Kurama’s back. “There there.”

“Academy students _actually_ did this,” Obito says, after a few long moments. “This wasn’t you practicing your—”

“No,” Kakashi says, just a bit too hasty. “It wasn’t me. It was the kids. They do this a lot.”

“Last week Naruto made the toaster talk,” Sai offers.

Kakashi really wishes he could see Obito’s face right now.

“Why?” Obito asks.

“It seemed lonely,” Naruto pipes up.

“Liar,” Karin whispers.

Naruto pouts. “And I wanted to try something weird, and the toaster was closer than the mixer.”

Kakashi gets the distinct vibe that Obito has more questions than he’s willing to actually ask.

“Was it… sentient?” Obito asks, a tad too careful for a discussion with children. “Or sapient?”

“No,” Naruto says. “It just supposed to yell when the toast was done or charring or on fire.”

“Pre-programmed voice, then,” Obito decides. “That’s less wor—”

“It was a ghost,” Naruto says, morose.

Kurama groans into Kakashi’s collar. “Not this again.”

“A ghost,” Obito repeats.

Kakashi pats Kurama’s back. Sai lets out a soft breath, like they too are tired of Naruto’s weird bullshit.

“Yeah, I trapped a ghost in the toaster,” Naruto tells Obito. “I think it was mad at me.”

“For trapping it in the toaster.”

“Yeah.”

Obito turns to Kakashi, and then gestures at Naruto in a way that most likely means ‘hey Bakashi, what the fuck is going on?’

“It wasn’t a ghost,” Kurama grumbles. “It was… fuck, we’re not doing this again. Kanna can handle it.”

“Are you sure?” Karin challenges.

“Keep talking and you’re even more grounded than you are for the _dimensional rift,”_ Kurama snarls.

Karin pouts.

“Okay,” Obito says. “So, I don’t want to be involved with this, like, at all, but you kids managed to invade a very private space that you should _not_ have managed to get access to, and I need to make sure you don’t do that again. Ever.”

“Tall order,” Karin comments.

“I will set you on fire myself, Karin-nee,” Sai says. “Please stop antagonizing the adults.”

“Fire is easy to solve,” Karin dismisses. “Besides, I—”

“Ahem.”

Kakashi looks in the direction of the voice. It’s Tobirama, and he’s got Rin and Sakura in tow. Tobirama steps back after a moment, and Sakura takes his place with a smile.

“So,” she says brightly, tilting her head and clapping her hands. Her shoulders scrunch up and her eyes close, and she looks for all the world like she’s absolutely _delighted_ to be here. “Who wants to explain?”

“I can vouch that, for once, this was not…” Kakashi trails off, because he can’t just _say the name_ around the kids, and saying ‘Tobi’ would make it weird, because the Nidaime is here. He settled for gesturing. “Well, it’s not _his_ fault.”

“Your kids broke space-time,” Obito says.

“Again,” Kurama adds. “Where the _fuck_ is Kanna?”

“At work,” Sakura says. She’s still smiling. “Or she’d have come herself. Someone explain what happened. Now.”

“Kids opened an interdimensional portal to Kamui,” Kakashi says. “And Kurama jumped into it to keep it from eating any of the kids. Then our friend in the orange mask showed up to give him back and demand his own explanation.”

“I’ve gotten a quarter of an explanation,” Obito says. “Mostly, I have questions about the talking toaster.”

“You’re not getting those answers,” Sakura tells him. “Actually, I’d really appreciate it if you left.”

“It was _my dimension.”_

“I recognize that. We can discuss it later. Get away from my kids.”

Obito takes a large, dramatic step away.

“We _really_ cannot risk you staying,” Tobirama points out.

Obito’s mask turns his way, with the general implication of a dirty look nobody can see, and then he disappears.

Sai is the first to ask. “Who—”

“Classified,” Sakura cuts them off. “Seriously, don’t ask. Anyway, Kurama, I thought you were watching them?”

“Hatake was showing Sai some kenjutsu forms,” Kurama says. “Naruto managed to explode something while I was looking over something of Karin’s, and then _she_ set off a dimensional rift while I was making sure Naruto hadn’t broken their wrist.”

Naruto waves their hands in front of them with a panicked expression, “It was an accident!”

“The explosion was an accident,” Kurama confirms. “The rift… yeah, I’m pegging that one down as her waiting for a chance to fuck around while I wasn’t paying attention.”

Karin pouts, mulish. “I was just cleaning up some lines on something Naruto had written up so we had a legible prototype before we—”

“Nobody’s buying what you’re selling,” Kurama tells her. “Oi, Senju, back me up.”

Tobirama blinks at Kurama, but inclines his head in Karin’s direction. “You and your sister are not the only sensors who know when someone’s lying.”

Karin pouts harder.

“Okay,” Sakura says, rubbing a hand down her face. “Karin, you’re grounded for a month. We’ll discuss specifics later. Naruto, a week. Sai, it sounds like you didn’t have anything to do with this mess, so you’re all clear. Thank you for trying to keep your sister from trying to antagonize S-rank jerks.”

Sai grimaces. That’s fair.

“Kurama…” Sakura trails off, and then comes closer and puts a hand on the man’s shoulder. “Are you alright?”

“No,” Kurama grunts. “Please tell me you can handle it from here, I _really_ need to go back to the seal.”

“Yeah, you can ditch,” Sakura assures him. “Kanna can get a look at you, that’s more up her—Ope! He’s gone.”

“Ope?” Kakashi questions. He ignores the fact that none of the kids seem even the slightest bit surprised about Kurama disappearing.

Sakura blushes. “Don’t. Anyway! Kids! We’re going back to the house.”

Sai raises a hand. “I had nothing to do with this. May I keep practicing with Kakashi-san?”

Sakura flicks her eyes to Kakashi, who shrugs. He doesn’t mind. Sakura nods and turns back to Sai.

“Sure, hun,” Sakura tells them. “Be back for dinner, though; Kanna’s making some pasta dish from Iwa.”

“Am I invited?” Kakashi asks.

“Always,” Sakura assures him. “Er, Tobirama, Rin, are either of you…?”

“As much as I’d love to, I imagine that you’d rather not have Kabuto in your house,” Tobirama says. “Rin can do whatever she wants.”

“I’m _older than Kakashi,”_ Rin gripes. “Why does everyone forget that?”

“Because you have only mentally aged a year or two from the time of your death, by your own admission, due to an inconsistent sense of awareness of the world around you?” Sai offers.

Karin facepalms, giggling.

“You’re fired,” Rin tells Sai, straightfaced. “I mean it.”

“Sure.”

“Why are all of my kids so sarcastic?” Sakura bemoans, even as she pulls Naruto into her side, ruffling their hair. Naruto looks _delighted_ by the treatment. “Rude. Mean. Utter brats.”

“You have Juugo,” Kakashi points out. “And Shin’s okay.”

“Juugo deliberately misunderstands sarcasm to give us lectures on bovine cancers,” Sakura says. “And rabbit social structures.”

“I didn’t know rabbits _had_ social structures,” Tobirama muses. “Or at least not—"

Sakura gestures in exasperation. “Apparently!”

“Anyway,” Rin pipes up, “I’d love to come to dinner, Sakura-chan.”

And so it’s set.

\--

“Are you going to date my sisters?”

How the _hell_ did Kakashi manage to let himself get cornered by an eleven-year-old? He hates this. He has better ways to spend his time then getting ambushed in the Uzumaki kitchen by a tween.

“Karin,” he acknowledges. She glares up at him with all the innocence of a civilian toddler. To her credit, she quickly realizes that it’s not going to work on him, and goes for ‘shifty science kid’ instead, which involves quite a lot of playing with her glasses to get them to shine ominously in the light. “You need practice, Kabuto’s a lot better at the ‘scary shiny glasses’ thing.”

“I’m going to eat your liver,” Karin tells him.

“No, that’s cannibalism.”

“So?”

“So, cannibalism is bad,” Kakashi says, and then clarifies, “The kind of bad that you’ll get arrested for.”

“What if I grow it back?”

“Then you’re just wasting everyone’s time,” Kakashi says.

“What if you agreed to it?”

“I would not.”

“Bummer.”

Kakashi rolls his eyes. “Why are you like this?”

“Do you really want an answer to that?” Karin asks. She tilts her head, pasting on an incredibly disingenuous look of empty, guiltless curiosity. “I can give you one, if you want. It starts with severe long-term trauma, and makes a detour through grief and time-travel, and there’s even a pit stop with ‘babysitting by Anko,’ if you’re interested.”

“I feel like you should be writing newspaper headlines,” Kakashi tells her. “You’ve got a way with words.”

“A creepy one?”

“Absolutely.”

She preens at that. Scary little brat. He approves, mostly.

He turns back to the spice cabinet. “Why are you here, kid?”

“To ask you if you’re going to date my sisters,” she says. “Duh.”

Kakashi tries not to bang his head against the cupboard. He succeeds. “I’m not sure how that’s any of your business.”

“Bullshit,” she says. “You like them, and they like you. I know there’s, like, weird time stuff going on—”

This kid.

“—but it’s really frustrating to watch you guys circling around without making a decision, you know?”

“You are _eleven,”_ Kakashi reminds her. “Worrying about the romantic lives of people over twice your age isn’t exactly your job.”

“Okay, but I’m a meddling kid,” Karin points out. “It’s my _hobby.”_

“Your hobby is doing chores to make up for tearing holes in space-time and endangering yourself and your friends,” Kakashi says. “Did you finish with cleaning the chicken coop?”

She makes a face. “Yeah.”

“Great. I’m sure I heard something about scrubbing down the bathroom,” Kakashi says. “Go on, get.”

“You can’t just make me do chores to get out of uncomfortable conversations,” Karin says.

“You’re a child that I’m partially responsible for, and also the status of my friendship and potential relationship with Sakura and Kanna is _none of your business,”_ Kakashi stresses. “I have a therapist, and friends my own age, and I’d agree that I was obligated to have the conversation with your sisters if _they_ came to me about it, but not you, because you are a child, and poking your nose into the personal business of people who very much don’t appreciate it.”

“But your chakra is _really_ annoying about liking them.”

“And your voice is _really_ annoying about me liking them,” Kakashi says. “Bathroom. Scrubbing. Go.”

She pouts and leaves the kitchen.

_Kids._

\--

Kakashi relates this entire series of events later that day, after Sakura rushes home from the hospital with a ‘thank you so much for covering, oh my god, that surgery was _not_ supposed to take that long.’ Kakashi admittedly thinks this is a bit much. He’s basically half-raising the kids anyway, right?

“You mean it wasn’t even a shovel talk?” Anko asks. “Damn, I thought I taught that girl better.”

“Please don’t teach her anything,” Tenzō says. “Also, what kind of a shovel talk would she even _give_ Kakashi?”

“Eh, Karin’s a smart cookie,” Anko dismisses with a wave of her hands. “She’d threaten ‘Kashi-kun here with strychnine or something.”

Tenzō rolls his eyes and reaches over her to grab a pretzel stick from the bucket Kakashi’s got between his legs. “Yeah, right. Easier to just set Kurama on him.”

“Not personal enough,” Anko argues.

“Please do not give the child ideas,” Kakashi protests. “She already scares me.”

“We both know that’s just you being dramatic,” Anko tells him. “Tenzō, hey, stop hogging the cheese dip.”

“But I like the cheese dip.”

“Okay but I want the cheese dip _too,”_ Anko whines, contorting herself to reach the little cup that Tenzō’s holding as far away from her as he can. “What am I supposed to do, _not_ have cheese dip with the pretzel?”

“If you keep saying cheese dip, it’s going to stop being a phrase,” Kakashi says. He plucks the container out of Tenzō’s hand and passes it to Anko. “Don’t give me the scary eyes, Tenzō, I’m senpai. You don’t give scary eyes to senpai.”

Tenzō rolls his eyes. “You’re annoying is what you are.”

“That’s not what you were saying last night,” Kakashi simpers.

Tenzō attempts to knee him in the groin. They’re too tangled up for him to succeed, but it’s a valiant effort nonetheless. Kakashi manages to get him in a hold that results in Tenzō’s face dunked onto Anko’s lap.

“I’m still _eating,”_ Anko complains. “Wrestle on the _floor,_ you jerks!”

Tenzō manages to elbow Anko in the chest on his way up.

She shoves him off her lap and onto the floor. He yelps on the way down.

“Motherfucker!” Anko bites out, grimacing and rubbing at her chest. “Dude, my tits are _already_ sore from PMS!”

Kakashi pretends to be absorbed in his soft pretzel.

“You know,” Tenzō says, staring up at the ceiling from his place on the floor. “I feel like maybe life just wasn’t meant to be simple.”

“It’s fucking cheese dip, asshole,” Anko says, poking him in the ribs with her toes. “Get up and stop being a drama queen.”

“I feel like I’m really more of a drama earl.”

“Keep talking and I’m bumping you down to drama baron,” Anko snips.

Kakashi offers Tenzō a hand, hauling him back up onto the couch. “You’re both ridiculous.”

“Says _you,”_ Anko huffs. “You’re just—”

“Older than you!” Kakashi says, full of cheer. “And also I outrank you. Clearly, I have more life experience, and knowledge of what qualifies as ridiculous.”

“You halfway moved into the Uzumaki house,” Anko says. “And they’re the definition of ridiculous, so sure. You know what counts. Also what are you talking about, ‘older than us?’ It’s by like _two years,_ you—”

“And Tenzō’s halfway moved into your apartment,” Kakashi points out, interrupting her without a shred of shame. “Which, _hello,_ would you maybe like to tell me something?”

Anko and Tenzō look at each other. Their expressions go in a few different directions, a silent conversation that Kakashi could probably understand if he tried, though he can only see Anko’s face from this angle.

“I don’t know,” Anko finally says. “We… _might_ be looking into getting a bigger apartment to share.”

“Making it official?” Kakashi probes.

Anko’s nose wrinkles up. “Maybe. It’s cheaper, at least, and… convenient.”

Kakashi notes how, just barely in his view, Tenzō laces his fingers into Anko’s. It’s the kind of quiet support that Kakashi’s been seeing more and more out of them.

“I really don’t want to declare anything while Sensei is in town,” Anko says, voice low. There’s a hitch of breath where her voice doesn’t quite crack. “I don’t… they _know,_ but I don’t… I don’t want…”

Tenzō pulls her to his chest.

“I think basically anyone paying attention knows we’re in a relationship by now,” Tenzō says quietly. “I don’t know what counts as dating, but… some kind of relationship. We have been for a while. But the words are…”

“You don’t want to put a label on it,” Kakashi summarizes. He feels like they’ve had this conversation before. “I know.”

He hesitates, and then adds, “You don’t have to keep talking about it. I just wanted to know if you’re moving in together.”

“Yes,” Tenzō says. “Probably.”

“Probably,” Anko confirms.

Kakashi lets that sit for a moment, and then nods. “Alright, then.”

He leans forward and hooks his chin over Tenzō’s shoulder. “Hey Anko… are you going to finish the—”

“You don’t get my cheese dip,” Anko says.

“It’s good cheese dip.”

“Is it even cheese?” Tenzō asks, before Anko can snap off her own comment. “I mean… do we know that it’s actually cheese, and not just something meant to mimic cheese?”

“I…” Anko trails off, looking down at the container. “I _think_ it’s real cheese?”

“Maybe it’s part cheese,” Kakashi suggests. “We’d have to go back to the stand to ask.”

“Unless they import the cheese sauce from Land of Rivers,” Tenzō says. “Even though they make the pretzels fresh.”

“I don’t think you can make soft pretzels _not_ fresh,” Anko argues.

“Have you ever had soft pretzels before?” Tenzō asks. “I haven’t.”

“I’ve been to the Land of Rivers before!” Anko protests. “Oi, Hatake, back me up.”

“This is my first time trying a soft pretzel,” Kakashi tells her.

“You’re useless to me.”

Tenzō laughs and lets his head drop back onto Kakashi’s shoulder, leaning into him until Kakashi’s the one holding their weight. “I’m going to miss this.”

“…miss this?” Kakashi asks. “Miss… miss what?”

“Um,” Tenzō says. “I mean… when… or, well, it’s really more of an _if,_ but… I kind of figured you’d stop coming around this way if you get with the Uzumaki.”

Tenzō keeps his head turned away, but Kakashi can see Anko, and she’s… not meeting his eyes.

Oh.

“It’s one of the things that’s kept me from deciding,” he admits. It’s an offer, as much as anything could be. “I don’t… I don’t know how to describe what we’ve been doing, but I like it. I obviously want to keep you as friends no matter what, but I’m not… I’m not sure if anyone would be okay with…”

“Sharing?” Tenzō suggests, tilting his head enough to look Kakashi in the eye. Anko pulls him up and away, so they can both look at him without Tenzō craning his neck like that, and Kakashi feels off-kilter with the loss of his… friend’s… weight on him.

“I didn’t exactly expect any of this,” Kakashi says. “I mean… definitely not when I was a teenager, and after that I just kinda… became a slut?”

“You’re not a slut,” Anko says. “Like, behaviorally.”

“Promiscuous, yes, but… how are we defining a slut?” Tenzō asks. “Obviously, I’m not trying to say being a slut is a bad thing, I just don’t think the word applies here.”

“I don’t think that’s the point,” Kakashi says. “I mostly meant that I’ve been doing the whole ‘enjoying sex, often with friends, without having any long-term romantic relationships’ thing. Like lots of one-night stands and stuff.”

“Okay but—”

 _“The point,”_ Kakashi stresses, “is that I did not expect to land myself in a position where I want to have an actual romantic or romance-adjacent relationship with _two separate couples,_ or even expected more than one or two people to put up with my trauma enough to _consider_ a romantic relationship over the course of my entire life. And now there’s four. I never _planned_ for this.”

There’s silence for a few moments, and then Tenzō breaks it. “I think it’s a little late to say this, but you deserve fulfilling romantic relationships if you want them. ‘Putting up’ with your trauma is bullshit, and if anyone ever phrases it like that, I’ll grow a rosebush in their lungs for you.”

“…that sounds like a great way to get marked down as a nukenin,” Kakashi says. “Or—”

 _“Aesthetically!”_ Anko suddenly crows. “That’s the word!”

Kakashi stares at her, eyes wide. So does Tenzō.

“What?” Kakashi asks, after Anko doesn’t immediately explain herself.

“Aesthetically!” Anko repeats. “Not behaviorally. I mean, both, but aesthetically is the word I was thinking of. Like, you sleep around, but you’re not _tits out,_ you know?”

“So he’s the opposite of you?” Tenzō asks.

Anko pinches his ear. “Don’t be _mean…_ but yes, basically.”

“Neither of us hits on anything that moves, though,” Kakashi points out. “That’s… honestly, Genma.”

“Genma’s the slut we all aspire to be,” Anko agrees.

Tenzō buries his face in his hands. “How am I _attracted_ to you people?”

“I’ve got a nice ass,” Kakashi says immediately.

“My rack is amazing,” Anko adds, just as quick.

“You’re both _assholes,”_ Tenzō whines, falling sideways into the aforementioned rack.

“But we’re _yours,”_ Anko coos down at him. She slips her hands under the collar of his shirt. “You _lo—”_

“COLD!” Tenzō yelps. “Anko, what the hell?!”

She falls off the couch, cackling.

“Revenge, bitch!” she yells.

“Is this because I elbowed you in the—”

“It’s because you elbowed me in the tit.”

 _“Anko…”_ Tenzō whines. “What did we say about being mean?”

“I’m hot when I’m mean.”

“No!”

Kakashi steals the cheese dip and finishes up his pretzel.

“Dude, did you just steal the—”

“You weren’t using it,” Kakashi points out. “Also I thought we were trying to have the Grown-Up Conversation about where our relationship is headed if I enter something with the Uzumaki.”

“I just assumed you’d break up with us,” Anko admits, climbing back onto the couch. “Um… I know you were more… our friend with benefits, not really dating us, but…”

“It’s definitely something I’d bring up, when… or if, I suppose, I talk to the Uzumaki or…” Kakashi says. “I don’t… I don’t want this to end, whatever we’re calling it. It’s fun. I want to keep it going, if it’s an option.”

“Because you like us?” Anko demands, leaning towards him and pushing Tenzō with her. “That’s why.”

“Y-yeah?” Kakashi stutters despite himself, leaning away. “I thought that much was obvious. Tenzō’s been important to me for years, and you’re a bit crazy, but I like you well enough anyway.”

“Bitch,” Anko accuses. “But thank you.”

“Please get off,” Tenzō grits out. “This is putting a _really_ weird stretch on my hamstring.”

“In a second,” Anko promises, and dips her head to whisper in Tenzō’s ear, hidden behind her hand.

It’s too mumbled for Kakashi to make out, but the spark that enters Tenzō’s eyes is familiar.

“Oh,” Tenzō mutters. “Yes, I like that idea.”

Kakashi pulls himself back towards the couch arm, but Tenzō lunges forward and brackets him in, one hand on each side of Kakashi’s head.

“Ah,” Kakashi says. “I’m caught.”

Tenzō grins down at him. “Yeah. And you just gave Anko _feelings,_ which is apparently not allowed.”

Kakashi can feel Anko working at his pants, and lifts his hips a bit to help her out. “What a shame.”

“Gotta punish you,” Tenzō confirms. “It’s the rules.”

Kakashi sighs as dramatically as he can. “I don’t suppose we can have more conversations about feelings and how I’m very attached to you both, and would very much like to enter into a polyamorous relationship with both yourselves and the Uzumaki ladies?”

Anko makes a soft noise, and Tenzō blushes a bit. “I think we’ve had enough of that.”

“Pity,” Kakashi says. “You make the most wonderful—Ah!”

It takes a moment before Anko pulls away from his thigh, and Kakashi’s only _mostly_ sure that she didn’t draw blood with that bite.

She generally doesn’t. It’s too high a risk of a hospital visit, with everything her summons have done to her.

“Clever, _naughty_ Jounin,” Anko says, and her voice is rough like a cotton dishtowel. She’s trying to coo, trying to be sweetly mocking, but the emotion is there. “We’re going to _wreck_ you for that.”

Tenzō dips down and bites at Kakashi’s earlobe. “Gonna _rail_ you…”

“A fitting punishment,” Kakashi hisses, as something wooden wraps around his arms. “I don’t suppose we could take this to the bed?”

 _“Punishment,_ Senpai,” Tenzō reminds him.

“Right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like the "clearly consenting while only barely pretending to be reluctant or forced" vibe.
> 
> ANYWAY I kind of wrote myself into a corner. I developed KYA too much and now I'm going to have to keep it, apparently.
> 
> If you've never had a soft pretzel, look up Auntie Anne's, they're the most common brand with decent ones here.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr under phoenixyfriend.


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